Things We Have Learnt From Media

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TV, film, video games etc. are very educational. Even if they're inaccurate.

Things we've learnt:

• The German Wehrmacht was capable of taking over most of Europe despite being rubbish shots.
• Adopting a fake British accent does not win you a reality show (Pirate Master, Survivor: Gabon).
• Children's card games are Serious Business.
• Animals secretly understand everything we say.
• NEVER leave it to the professionals.
  • Also, all scientists are terminally insane, sick, arrogant, evil, and psychopathic liars.
• The Government is evil, without fail.
  • So is God.
  • But definitely Television... wait, no, Television says it's the Internet that's evil.
  • So are corporations. Actually, let's just say it outright, everyone is evil.
• Bras and miniskirts make for excellent battle armor.
  • And make for great storage space.
• Everything you know about history is an utter lie.
  • Those Fairy Tales you believed in when you were 6, on the other hand...
• Blue is a natural hair color in Japan. And in space. Europeans get red and brown hair, and all Americans without fail are blond.
  • Inversely, any American ladies with Red Hair become Miss Americas or Hollywood Eye Candy.
• In the right universes, strong emotion can be used as a power source. A Tsundere with PMS has a higher power output than a small star.
• No matter when and where you are, a sword is the best weapon.
  • Especially really big ones, or katanas. Or both for even more power.
• In a high speed car chase, the cars will barrel through an open air market, be forced to stop by an old lady crossing the street, pass a crazy guy on a bicycle, hit a Fruit Cart.
• The Butler Did It.
• Even if you're astonishingly stupid and incompetent, following your dreams will make them come true. Always.
  • Unless those dreams involve you being not stupid and incompetent. Then you're screwed.
• The best possible medicine for anything and everything is love.
  • Unless the condition is evil, and love will redeem you. Then it's probably terminal.
  • Side-effects may vary, your goodness may go down as well as up. Please consult your physician.
• It can always get worse, and there's always something that could possibly go wrong.
• No matter what you might think, you are never unstoppable. Particularly if you proclaim yourself to be so. And you don't even want to know what happens if you try to claim invincibility.
• If somebody is pointing a gun at your head, it is easy to toss off a long, cutting, powerful remark that makes them reconsider their life and drop the weapon.
• It's always his fault.
• NEVER sign up for any mission described as "routine".
  • Especially if you're wearing a Red Shirt.
• There's no such thing as too big when it comes to robots. So what if it takes the equivalent of two Earths to fuel it? No, seriously.
• Video games are training turning children into skilled gunmen who shoot up schools. Because, you know, operating a gun is just like operating a mouse.
• One single tear will, without fail, bring back the dead.
• Every video game ever has random Pac-Man bleeps and NES-style music playing in the background. Even if they're for the PS2. Furthermore, every video game ever can be played - well, mind you - by mashing the buttons, or, in the case of the Wii, slinging the Wiimote around like an angry chimp.
• When driving through any city with famous landmarks like London or Paris, you will pass them all and not necessarily in a logical order. Also, if walking through a city, you won't necessarily go from one road to another connected to it, or even one anywhere near it.
  • • Cars have short-range warp drives so they can be in Salford one second and Ashton-under-Lyne the next or negotiate L.A. traffic in a matter of minutes.
• If you love somebody, blow them up. Courtesy of Nanoha Takamachi.
• When a supervillain frames a superhero for an evil act, everyone will immediately and inexplicably forget about all the good things the hero has done and think he/she really has become evil, except for a super-fan, who will work diligently to prove that his/her idol is innocent.
• Bob was there, too.
• Crucifixion is a minor inconvenience unless it happens to Jesus.
  • It turned out to be a pretty minor thing for him too...
• Children, robots and animals are really annoying but never die.
• All video game designers and comic book creators are insane.
• God exists and takes all the good Christians in Hollywood to Heaven; everyone else burns in Hell.
• Random beeps, pixels, and black bars prevent anyone from being even slightly offended.
• Physics is a myth perpetuated by idiot scientists.
• Blacks are mean, violent rapists who deal crack.
  • Only until they get old. Then they become calm, humble, benevolent sources of good advice, Aesops, and folksy wisdom who are generally played by Morgan Freeman.
• Gay people are weak, effeminate perverts...especially if they're the bad guys.
• "Reality show," is not an oxymoron and no matter how shitty something is, it will have viewers.
• Poor men are dirty, stupid hicks.
• Rich men, like everyone in Hollywood, are ingenious and beautiful, but sometimes prone to make evil plans to bulldoze friendly neighbourhoods, pave over all of nature (or just dump toxic vileness in it), and generally act nasty. They can learn to mend their ways from people who are pure and beautiful and untainted by money.
• Fatal gun wounds are instant... unless it hits an important character.
• Absolutely anything can be made to look cool, or at least as though it's supposed to be cool, with judicious use of Camera Tricks, stirring speeches and a suitably rousing classical or rock soundtrack.
• Large weapons and giant robots are automatically cool.
  • In regard to Giant Robots, Bigger Is Better. You always need more size. No exceptions. Certified by Simon, Kamina & Co.
• If you catch the bad guy, and you're surrounded by cops, you can still empty your gun into him and face no criminal charges provided you're only a couple of minutes from the credits.
• America is either a super-patriotic country full of happiness and family values, or a corrupt, arrogant, xenophobic hellhole full of the trash that (the "far-superior") England threw away.
• Sex will kill you and there is no such thing as effective contraception. Guys still need to have sex, but the girls they do it with are filthy sluts.
• If you have not met the love of your life by the age of ten you will die alone.
• All men are unfulfilled unless they are drinking the right beer, have huge penises, and have hair that both exists and is not grey. Unless they are Scottish or British pretending to be French. Then, having grey hair or being bald just makes them sexier.
• All women are unfulfilled unless they are wearing the right clothes, have no wrinkles, and are being bought off with mountains and mountains of jewelry and presents by the sensitive, young, handsome man who may or may not be riding on a horse.
• All castles are glorified art galleries. The wealthy were beyond bathrooms, bedrooms, kitchens.
• If it's cool, it will work, unless it'll be funnier if it doesn't.
• The most popular girl at school is paradoxically the least liked, or is only liked by her circle of friends.
• The most hated characters are almost always the least likely to die.
• When someone wants to help, they'll always pick the worst possible time.
• The Nazis were sufficiently advanced enough to create an army of vampires and an effeminate catboy who exists everywhere and nowhere at once due to a quantum singularity dividing his existence by zero. And math is the only way to kill Dracula. (Hellsing)
  • Nope, not even math can kill Dracula.
• John Munch. That is all.
• At least one percent of Americans, and one percent of British citizens, are serial killers.
  • If male, the serial killer is often either asexual or obsessed with his mother. If female, she's usually a Psycho Lesbian.
• Scotland and Ireland are totally the same place.
• Hitting someone's head (it helps to have an implement, but your fist will do) very very hard is a safe, easy, and effective way of knocking him out for anywhere from several minutes to a few hours. He may say "Oooh, my head hurts" when he awakes, or hold an icepack to his forehead (regardless of where you hit him), but he'll be just fine.
  • It is also the perfect way to cause or cure retrograde amnesia.
• If you walk down a street singing, everyone you pass will not only know the words but will join in with a snazzy dance routine.
  • And if you're alone on the beach with your significant other who's just burst into song, backup dancers will come out of the ocean. Because you can't have a musical movie without a dancing chorus.
• If your girlfriend suggests that the two of you dress as Raggedy Anne & Raggedy Andy for Halloween, do not agree to it. She almost never keeps her end of the deal.
• A Nerd can't be good at sports.
• Wrestling Doesn't Pay.
• Senior citizens, especially old men, almost always talk about how they're going to "take back this country" from us young whippersnappers, but don't usually put much effort into it. Or indeed, any at all. (We're looking at you, Martin Crane)
• Cartoon characters can tell time with wristwatches that come out of nowhere, and once the time is told, said watch disappears as suddenly as it appeared.
• Talk like you're in a TV show. People will think you're crazy, but fans will appreciate it.
• If a troubled child takes an extreme interest in anything, it must be discouraged, because they will invariably grow up to commit acts of super villainy themed around that thing.
• It's perfectly okay to take random objects from strangers.
• Band-aids heal everything.
• If you run off a cliff you'll only fall once you realise you've run off the edge. Until then you can keep going forwards.
• No matter what happens to you, as long as you have one hit point, your body will be in perfect condition.
• Bullying is wrong. Crushing people's minds, however, is A-OK!
• The Jerkass wil always find a way to avoid elimination, and will always avoid retribution until the finals or semi-finals, when they get an appropriatly karmic comeupance from the Ensemble Darkhorse.
• Oranges are annoying, even to each other.
• There's no reason to use the Internet because any information you may need is on TV right now in the form of a special news report.
• Swearing and causing violence is considered mature behavior.
• Turtles' shells are removable.