Additional Evil Overlord List Cellblock A: Difference between revisions

* Instead of attempting to take over the world starting with highly developed countries, I will start my world conquest in Southern Asia and Africa (or whatever Universe I happen to be stuck in's equivalent to an area that is poor, badly defended, and has little importance on the global market.) The plan goes as follows:

** Buy lots of weapons. Key elements include RPGs, tanks, and a healthy amount of bulletproof vests and cheap, but effective rifles. The AK-47 should be good enough. All of these will allow my soldiers to have complete dominance over anything but a strike from the air, and that is unlikely in developing countries.

** Attack. First village, everybody dies except the women and children, soldiers get second pick of the women. The children are raised fairly, so that I will have a new generation of loyal troops once I create my empire. Alternatively, kill the children if you believe your universe is the type where an orphaned child will wind up becoming an absurdly kickass teenager who has the skills to kill your entire army.

** Third village, you should have most people just begging to join. Let them.

** Continue to preform attacks on more villages, and expand your empire. Attempt to take all areas that are good for farming, so that you don't have to worry as much about food for your army. If you feel like starting a war and conquering a nation, now is probably the time to do so. Just make sure that you are not attempting to conquer somebody strongly allied with whoever is giving you funding, or strongly allied with somebody who could hurt you.

** Alternatively, kick back and relax. You now control a sizable portion of land that is useless, have first pick of all the women you conquered (you are evil, after all. Just have them reeducated in the dungeons for a week, and they will be begging to service you), and have enough money to afford all modern conveniences (hell, be nice and give those conveniences to your troops.) If you want to go with this route and still conquer, you can do so. Just try not to make too many enemies, and try to only attack targets you can defeat with the sheer presence of your army, instead of actually having to lose men (if somebody resists, morale could drop, and in an empire like this you do NOT want your soldiers thinking "maybe this guy isn't so good of a leader after all.")

** Sounds more like generic African warlord then evil overlord to me. Yes, your chances of survival are higher, but it's not the real deal is it?

*** A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step!

* I will consider all rules and vows carefully, but will treat them only as guidelines, not absolute laws. [[Subverted Trope|If fiction has taught me anything]], an inflexible evil overlord is a dead evil overlord.

** Addendum: I will also realize that certain Evil Overlord rules will change with the times. For example, Evil Overlord rule 84 ("I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.") should, in our (somewhat) more accepting times should read "I will not have captives of one sex guarded by any henchmen attracted to that sex." As technology, tolerance, and other factors of society advance, I should keep my personal Evil Overlord list updated. Villains who can't change with the times become the crazy old hobos who keep going on about "them newfangled automobiles" well into the 21st century.

*** [[Rule of Cool|And it must be sufficiently cool.]]

*** As long as it does not make me a ripoff of [[Star Wars|Darth Vader]].

** If for some reason I must wear a mask, I will try to make it something that is not sinister in some manner. Things such as skulls, demons, etc. tend to unsettle subordinates, lower moral and [[Color Coded for Your Convenience|make myself a more obvious target for assassination attempts]].

*** If I must wear such a mask for whatever reason I will require all my minions to wear the same mask to confuse said possible assassin.

* And no [[Stripperiffic|leather dress/catsuit]] with an insane amount of cleavage. It will confuse the hero if the villainess is demurely dressed. If she really ''wants'' to dress like that, fine, but I'll advise against it.

** Keeping in mind the [[Most Common Superpower|usually positive cleavage-to-skill correlation]] in most femme fatale outfits, I will design the most [[Stripperiffic]] costume possible, and give it to my lowest ranked minions. Increases in rank will bring attendant changes in uniform to something less revealing and more practical. In addition to screwing with the hero's expectations, this will give the minions something to work for, and it's good to have ambitious minions.

****** CARPETING MAN, USE CARPETS!!

****** Free socks for all employees.

** I will hire [[Johnny Depp]] to to do that, only he can pull it off.

** In this vein, I will carefully observe the workings of the world and determine its position on the [[Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism]]. That way, I will know how far I can go with my evil plots before losing the sympathy of the [[Fan Girl|fanbase]].

** If it is necessary to deal with an enemy, PR be damned, I can see the horizon over there!

** I will always keep in mind, however, that [[Conservation of Ninjitsu]] frequently applies to machines too, and that it is ''really'' embarrassing for your large fleet of tanks to be destroyed by a sixteen-year-old in a mecha. It makes you look weak ''and'' unimaginative.

*** I'll build one, ginormous, efficient tank. While the hero designs a complicated robot hand to hold his gun, I shall simply build the gun right into the tank, and make a killing on savings. Which I can use to build a better gun. That sort of thing.

** Wait a minute. I'm both well aware of what is [[Cool but Inefficient]] ''and'' am [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]. To that end, I'll go both ways, and construct a force of fairly smaller mecha than what the hero will be trotting around in, probably quadrupedal or even more leggy, to avoid dangers to their mobility. These smaller mecha will thus have all the advantages of the [[Rule of Cool]] inherent to mecha while at the same time avoiding many of the weaknesses of single large mechas.

*** I will also ensure that ''all'' of these mecha are individually customized, with unique paintjobs and affectations, and have (attractive female or bishounen) pilots whose names (and nicknames like "Maniac" and "Iceman") are constantly mentioned and have deep, colorful backgrounds. Also, these mecha will only operate in small groups, thus utilizing both [[Nominal Importance]] ''and'' dodging [[Conservation of Ninjitsu]]. Plus, there's the possibility one or more of my many unique mecha-pilot minions will become the target of a [[Misaimed Fandom]], making them [[Contractual Immortality|unable to die]]. I'm [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]; I might as well take advantage of it.

**** I will at least train a phalanx of spearmen, in case the heroes' mecha reach my lair.

** I will also consider sending out infantry in light body armour with anti-tank weaponry. Surely the young boy who just [[Falling Into the Cockpit|Fell Into The Cockpit]] of the enemy's latest super robot will be reluctant to kill without the buffer a giant robot or power armour provides?

*** Best strategy. Even if you're up against an Anti Hero, as long as he's responsible for most of the collateral damage plus the murders of your lightly armed human soldiers he's sure to have his piloting license revoked. Avoid inflicting civilian casualties. If nothing else, all the bad publicity his behavior generates will result in you becoming the hero and him the villain. Never, under any circumstances, cross the [[Godzilla Threshold]]. Let him do it first, then unleash your unstoppable fleets of war machines when public outcry demands it. Be quick with the relief efforts after each confrontation.

** I will, instead of going to all the trouble of making an elaborate counter, have a mock-up shell made with a giant sword, and leave it in a field. Of mines.

**** What [[Moral Event Horizon]]? I'm evil!

**** Never justify your actions with "I'm f***ing evil!" There's no point in reading these lists if that's your train of thought. The idea is to convince people you're NOT evil, so they won't want to kill you in the first place.

**** So like the original list said, I will never tell the hero my plan. Ever.

* If I ever attack my enemy's main base, my operational plan will specifically de-target the pilots' barracks to a distance no less than three times the lethal radius of my most powerful weapons, thus insuring his mecha are commanded by their regular pilots rather than sixteen year-old replacements who will invariably be more formidable.

**** I will also be sure to include a few well-trained teenagers as an advanced theft force. No mentally unstable girls (Wait. Scratch that. No girls. Period.), because they will always fall in love with the Hero/Anti-Hero/Lancer. I will send a bunch of well-trained teenage eunuchs. That should take care of any pesky [[Foe Yay]] instances.

***** Instead of sending no girls, I shall send a group of attractive female pilots between the ages of fifteen and thirty. They shall all be fanatically loyal to me and shall all carry [[Crazy Prepared|a disassembled submachine gun]] concealed on their person. Their orders will be to eject from their craft at the slightest hint of danger, allow themselves to be rescued by the hero, pretend to fall in love at first sight, then [[Just Shoot Him|shoot him]] [[In the Back]] as soon as he turns away.

* Should it ever be absolutely unavoidable that I build an army of [[Humongous Mecha]], they will all be [[Super Prototype|experimental prototypes]]. If a refinement of a design is necessary, I will instead build a new prototype.

** Note: That mecha I had the mooks build for me should be able to wipe out the whole base with one shot.

*** Then, I will send the footage to one of those home-video television shows, whereupon I will undoubtedly win the grand-prize at the end of the season. If this fails in America, I will send it [[South of the Border]]. They love the [[Groin Attack]] there.

** Alternatively, the drinks are free but laced with slow-acting poison to which [[Find the Cure|only I (supposedly) have the cure]]. I will use this as leverage to force the heroes to get me a [[MacGuffin]], at which point I will break tradition and actually give the hero the cure I promised. However, the 'cure' I give will actually be a ''fast''-acting poison that kills him in half an hour.

*** Not to mention making me [[Affably Evil|look better]] to the kids.

** Wait, why would I want to ''build'' an amusement park? I'll just buy [[Disney Theme Parks|Disneyland]]!

*** Just buy Disney altogether. It probably rules, like, half of the world already. And then put subliminal messaging in the movies/television shows/music.

**** Except Pixar movies. We shan't be ruining those.

** Instead of making an amusement park of doom, let's make everything funnier and far more overpriced than Disney! Ah, and it'll have anime. Heroes love anime.

** On a related note, I will not set up arbitrary puzzles to slow progress through my castle. If I really think that simply using a key/ password/ fingerprint scanner is not enough then the only way to open the door will be to follow some obscure sequence of moves that is not hinted at anywhere - anyone who is authorized to pass will know what this is.

** Plus anybody who [[Guide Dang It|has a guide]]. Note to self: kill guide publishers.

** [[The Password Is Always Swordfish|The password will not be "Swordfish".]] It will be a random series of letters, numbers, and even punctuation. Nobody ever thinks of punctuation.

** I will set up long puzzles that are literally impossible and hope the heroes try to solve it and get distracted long enough for some minions to kill them, but not before they find the joke that makes fun of them that I put in the puzzle, just for laughs.

** The password will always be something referencing pop culture. Let's see how the hero born in the same year as me is surprised when he can't figure out that the password is 8675309!

*** If the password will be referencing pop culture, why not make pop culture decades before the hero is born? If the hero was born the same year as me, he may get 8675309, but not what Puttin' on the Ritz MEANS!

* I will always keep in mind that nothing slows down the hero's progress quite like being dead, and remind myself not to settle for second best.

** Make this top priority. Heroes and deadness don't go together well.

**** If he does, be prepared. Rearrange his corpse with explosives, so the minute he comes back you can just blow him up.

***** Why not just blow him up the instant his body is found? If his friends don't need the body to bring him back, it's not like wiring his corpse is going to do much good anyway.

*** Good show! And while we're at it, i really hate that Uranus pun... let's go ahead and blow that up too.

*** I also never liked Venus being both the Morning and Evening Star. That just pisses me off.

*** Don't bother destroying Saturn, it will just [[Sailor Moon|be reborn]], and that will be just plain frustrating.

** And it's still not a good idea unless I happen to be ''both''.

** I will follow the example of the original literary [[Fu Manchu]] and wear a ''false'' moustache or other obvious identifying feature while in public, thus making both anonymity and disguise easier.

** Note: this does not work well with non-Asians.

** The punishment for failure in my minions shall be demotion or dismissal, not execution. As said before, people make mistakes, and killing does not inspire loyalty or encourage new recruits to join.

*** [[Career-Building Blunder|Possibly even a warning not to let it happen again.]] I will be judicious with that one, but it does inspire loyalty.

** A better idea is to not be involved with family issues at all. Or just kill his whole family. And him. Sucker.

* If I form a cult, it will be entirely made up just to rob people of money, rather like Scientology. Unlike Scientology, there will be no supernatural elements, as that would just mean the spirit/god/demon/mystic phlebotinum/etc. would backfire on me eventually. Also, it just makes you sound silly.

** But either way, I will sacrifice Tom Cruise.

* If I have created several boss monsters that have lost to the hero already but are in my final dungeon, which the hero has penetrated, the hero will not have to [[Boss Rush|fight all of them in a sequence]]. Rather, they, along with myself, will all attack the hero simultaneously.

** UNLESS [[The Ditz|there is a happy go lucky twit]] running around [[Cloudcuckoolander|barely paying attention to everything]]. [[Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass|Those tend to be trouble.]]

* If I ''really'' want to ''guarantee'' my success in all my diabolical endeavours, I will take three steps to guarantee that the Forces Of Good will [[Villain Protagonist|cheer me on]]:

** I will either uphold ''[[Well-Intentioned Extremist|somewhat]]'' [[Well-Intentioned Extremist|idealistic enough tendencies]] to be considered the hero of the situation, or be [[Rule of Funny|extremely funny]] and [[Draco in Leather Pants|sexy]].

** I shall select only sympathetic, funny, and genuinely likable individuals for my lieutenants and trusted underlings.

*** On the other hand, being Vetinari-like (with a larger budget for jetpacks and mechs) and alive beats being Blofeld and dead.

*** I'm talking to myself because two heads are better than one and many personalities is as close as we'll get.

*** [[The Blofeld Ploy|Because I killed those who were]]?

**** [[Madness Mantra|Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!]]

***** [[Tempting Fate|Make Me.]]

** Alternatively, I will be [[Genre Blind]] and [[Genre Savvy]] ''at the same time'' to throw off my enemies. For example, I'll allow my [[Load-Bearing Boss|fortress to turn to rubble]] only to evacuate to a bigger, sturdier fortress than won't fall down the next time I'm defeated.

* There is no such thing as a fair fight. If I come across my nemesis while he is disarmed, then that is his problem, not mine.

** It is always polite to bow to your opponent. It is also very stupid as it leaves you open for attack. I will exploit this flaw as much as possible.

*** Should I feel the need to bow to my opponent in return, I will bow at the waist to a minimal degree, ensuring that my eyes remain trained upon my opponent. The slightest movement while I am doing so will result in an automatic, preemptive attack on my part.

** If they ''really'' just want to be friends, I will, with the utmost caution, take them up on their offer. Heroic cute little girls are much less likely to beat their bestest best friend to a bloody pulp than they are the big meanie who tried to [[Kill Sat]] them from orbit. Really, [[Kill Sat]] from orbit against a little girl? [[Infant Immortality|What the hell was I thinking?]]

*** There's also the ''other'' problem. Dead Japanese schoolgirls tend to become obscenely powerful and angry ghosts who ''will'' mess you up.

**** I will keep in mind that if they are in [[Doomed Hometown|a town]] the [[Kill Sat]] can bypass [[Infant Immortality]] so if they are a threat I will do this with increased range and power, [[Karmic Death]] "what dead kids" not to mention nothing says "FEAR ME" like blatantly and totally overdoing, [[There Is No Kill Like Overkill|and destroying a nation to get rid of a few kids is definitely overdoing it.]]

** All children will be brought into my raising at my special orphanages. If you can't kill them, convert them.

* I will not [[Evolutionary Levels|mess with evolution]]. It's really not worth the problems, and it never helps.

** [[Iron Man|Is it too much to ask for both?]]

*** Wasn't it God's plan all along?

** I will remember that philosophers such as Machiavelli offered very context-sensitive advice, and will endeavor to study these contexts thoroughly. I will NOT [[Quote Mine]] them for convenience.

* If I want to kill some character who the hero likes without him trying to avenge his/her/their death, I will do the following: "accidentally" create an evil clone of the sidekick, let the evil clone infiltrate the hero's hideout and let him take the place of the sidekick; when the hero has finally found out who is the sidekick and has offed the clone, I will kill the sidekick and explain it by wanting to kill the evil clone, and voila: a hero without a sidekick and without a grudge. Me: 2, hero: 0.

** As we went over at the clone entry, said evil clone will be under my direct control, it will not be designed to include the original's characteristics.

*** We're playing at their expectations to lure them into a false sense of security.

*** Anyone who uses the phrase "false sense of security" will be shot. If he's smart, the hero won't buy it anyway. [[Idiot Hero|If he's not]], there are much more effective ways to kill him.

** I will remember that [[Dangerously Genre Savvy|very competent]] opponents will [[I Know You Know I Know|likely be doing the same thing in reverse]].

** I will, however, note that not everyone goes into fiction that well and just hope they are [[Genre Blind]] idiots.

*** If virginity is really that important, I will select a homely child and carefully screen the minions responsible for the abduction so as to eliminate any with a known attraction to the child's gender or age.

** And I will also keep in mind that [[Infant Immortality|it will fail anyway]].

** I will always check the bare requirements for a Virgin Sacrifice, if possible I will use a eunuch cult member volunteer from my own cult or similar.

** Since I plan to have orphans, I'll just one of my own.

**** If I do go the route of sacrificing adopted orphans, I will ensure that not ''all'' of the children I adopt die in "tragic accidents," and that I'm not the only one whose foster children have a tendency to die in such 'unforeseen' accidents. The point here is to cover up that I'm sacrificing children, after all, and if my foster children always die, people are at least going to start wondering why I'm still allowed to adopt. I will also change up my cover stories a bit and have at least ''some'' of them "run away" and turn up dead some time later.

**** Alternatively, forget the orphans. Any deity or demon wanting those would be [[Eviler Than Thou|more evil than me]], and therefore be untrustworthy and/or stiff competition.

**** Also alternatively, if the requirements do not specifically say Human Virgin Sacrifice, I will get either the ugliest animal I can find, or use an animal destined for food. And hold a luau after the ceremony.

***** "[[Alpha Bitch]]" and "virgin" should never go in the same sentence.

**** No, I'll sacrifice a [[Self-Made Orphan|Self-Made]] [[Evil Orphan]]. ''Guaranteed'' nobody will miss the brat, and it eliminates a potential competitor.

* Slavery is mayhem waiting to happen. Slavery does not loyal citizens make. However, if I offer a small wage and basic heath care plus care for the injured and elderly it will not cost much more but will buy loyalty.

*** Hang on...

** My slavery will be more like a regular job. The worker slaves will get food, water, respect, and rest. But no breaks. And no vacations. Except holidays. Harem slaves will be given the most elegant (and sexy) clothes and jewels and beautiful rooms to sleep in.

* No matter what its detrimental effects may be on my war machine, I will be eco-friendly. [[Omnicidal Maniac|Killing the planet]] never ends well. I may awaken ancient nature spirits who give the hero power, or set all the animals in the forest after my blood, or simply [[Gaia's Vengeance|have Mother Earth all up in my grille faster than you can say "gas-guzzling SUV"]], and no-one wants that. Instead, not only will I be environmentally friendly, I will actively seek out and befriend said nature spirits and animals, and send them after the hero.

** In fact I will cultivate rumors that specific actions designed to antagonize said spirits will weaken me, or otherwise interfere with my plans. This will prevent the spirits from giving [[The Hero]] power, and may turn them towards me to stop him.

** I'll offer them the ability to clone their race to rebuild their kind. That'll bring loyalty.

* If I am [[Nigh Invulnerability|immune to the hero's attacks]], I will make sure that I am also immune to my own. If I cannot ensure this, I will avoid using any attack that could possibly be [[Playing Tennis With the Boss|redirected to hit me]].

** This is another reason to NOT have big mirrors, as well as the whole vanity thing.

* As 116 above demonstrates, any extremely competent [[Evil Overlord]] is indistinguishable from an extremely competent [[Benevolent Ruler]]. This also applies in reverse.

** Wait, then why am I reading this and contributing to it? This is online, isn't it?

** Forget that. A [[Genre Savvy|Genre Savviness]] arms race could be dangerous, but being [[Genre Blind]] when my opponents aren't would be deadly. Instead, I will study any such list I come across (plus all "Vows for Heroes" lists) and if my enemies study the same lists, all the better for me. If that happens, [[I Know You Know I Know|I'll be able to predict their responses and confound them by doing something they'd never expect]]. [[Batman Gambit|Or doing exactly what they'd expect]].

*** I will also [[Mind Screw|randomly switch between these, so as to further confuse my adversary]].

** Even if my enemies know everything that I do, I'll still come out on top because of [[Evil Is Cool|one simple reason]].

**** The decision stands. I will post this argument in the towns and watch the hero go mad.

* If a trained monkey can do it, I will let said trained monkey do it so that my minions can do something more important.

** I will make darn sure not to overestimate the strength, reliability, skill, or competency of a monkey. Training human minions is probably more efficient than training comparatively short-lived and unreliable primates, so monkey use is likely to be limited.

* I will assume that all of my enemies are [[I Am Not Left-Handed|not left handed]], and plan accordingly.

** I will not rule out the possibility that some of them ''are'' left-handed after all. Holding back when someone else isn't? That's just ''asking'' for trouble.

*** Wow. [[Even Evil Has Standards|I really AM evil.]]

** In fact, I'll find out about this flaw ''before'' purchasing and thus avoid having funds tied up in a useless venture. I will instead use the money to have fanatically loyal followers [[Magic Plastic Surgery|surgically altered]] to resemble me.

*** Remembering I have an advanced team of gizmo-working mooks, they can outdo Doom's tricks.

** Because I can never be too sure, I will first make my most incompetent minion absorb the super being's power. If it doesn't take over his body, kill him, or drive him any more insane, then I'll kill the minion and take the power for myself. If it does, I'll just kill the minion.

** But first I will make sure that any minion who gets said power is, first and foremost, fanatically LOYAL to me personally, to the point of being cheerfully willing to die for me. Even then I will take no chances and have a small explosive discreetly implanted in their brain during a "routine" medical procedure, after first making sure that the power in question will not in any way interfere with the activation mechanism.

** If something is stronger than me, I will just ignore and it will go away.

** Additionally, ten guards will be appointed to the largest, most important-looking door in my fortress. That door will lead to the incinerator.

*** And I will have one new recruit guarding a shoddy, rusting door. That door will be the hallway leading to my office/throne room. The hallway will be guarded by my best troops and monsters, who know how to operate as a group, and will mob any hero that comes in.

* I will hire an advisor whose sole job will be to criticize my plans and point out their flaws. I will listen to him.

** If said advisor claims that my plan is flawless, I will execute him, solely so that the person who gets the job after him can be forced to watch the execution, eyelids held open with duct tape.

** I will ''always'' include one very obvious flaw in plans I make myself. Should the advisor not catch it, even if he is useful in finding out not-so-obvious flaws in my grand plan, he is to be executed on the spot, as one has to look at the big picture, not just small details that might slip through the cracks. The flaw should be easy to catch and occasionally very hard to catch every few times a specific advisor is used, so that I can accurately gauge their effectiveness in finding them.

** Wasn't this already covered in the original list?

*** And they won't just join up with the hero when you fire them why...?

**** Because by then, a new plan will have been drafted and sent through the advisory process. Therefore, any "tactics" and "information" they bring to the hero will be null. And even then, the advisors are fitted with a small explosive inside their chest cavity that is just powerful enough to destroy the heart, but not so much as to destroy anything else. Of course, the detonators will be on my person and only my person at all times. That way, if they do get any smart ideas, the heroes will initially think he died of a heart attack, or some other ailment, and won't be related back to me until they perform an autopsy, IF they perform one. I'm supposed to be [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]], so why not make damn sure that you can kill your advisors without it being known that you killed them.

* Before [[Villain Team-Up|teaming up with a fellow villain to defeat our common enemy]], I will first perform a background check. If said villain's ends are [[Even Evil Has Standards|morally repugnant]], or his means are [[Villain Ball|idiotic]], then I'll just sic the good guys on him.

** Screw that. I'll just let him kill the heroes by himself, then kill him and [[Fake Ultimate Hero|claim the credit]].

** As a third option, perhaps I should consider small, nonvenomous snakes. Good for evil cred, actually kinda cute, far less likely to hold a grudge than a pit bull, and the average [[Friend to All Living Things]] won't touch 'em.

*** However, I will still look into having a pet cat or dog, just in case that crafty hero's pet is a mongoose.

** With so many things that can go wrong, better to avoid pets entirely. Mooks will respond better to cash bonuses than kitties anyway.

* I will do the whole "'''[[This Cannot Be!]]!'''" after the heroes have defeated my ''penultimate'' boss form. That way, when I [[One-Winged Angel|sprout a wing]] or [[Bishonen Line|grow really long hair]], they will be completely unprepared for my next attack.

* If the heroes have the ability to "[[Save Point|save]]" their progress at specific points, I will assign a special force to find these points and destroy them.

** Alternatively, I'll use these points to save ''my'' progress repeatedly. Won't the heroes be surprised when I predict all of their moves? I'll also be prepared for this to take a ''long time'' but for some reason, most heroes have the attention spans of teenagers.

* I will drive a car of the [[Everybody Owns a Ford|same make]] as the heroes. I will avoid traveling in any vehicle between two and thirty years old. In fact, I'll just consult with major Hollywood stuntmen about which type of car they LEAST like to work with, and get one of those.

** On second thoughts, maybe I'll spare 5 minutes to ask ''why'' said stuntmen dislike said type of car. The answer might be important.

** If the resident [[Mad Artist]] also composes music when he's not busy splattering entrails across a canvas, then I'll ask him to create [[Leitmotif|something original designed especially for me]].

** If I dislike what he composes, I'll either learn to live with it or shoot him immediately.

*** And if it's country, I will waste no time torturing him by making him listen to his own song for however long I decide.

* Instead of [[You Have Outlived Your Usefulness|killing minions when they're so successful I don't have anything left for them to do]], I will either give them some vacation time or come up with some busy work for them, and call on them again later. After all, I know these guys can get results, so why not keep 'em around a bit?

** In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Double Jump. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. Think about it.

** Better yet, to insure against [[Sequence Breaking]] - In order to get the Grappling Hook, the hero will need the Grappling Hook. In order to get the Double Jump, the hero will need the Double Jump.

*** Why use such an entry method at all? If getting into a lair requires such methods, I will ''find another lair''.

*** On second thought superheating the ''ventilation'' ducts ''might'' interfere with the airconditioning. Oh and the ventilation.

** All of the dinosaurs will have their histories checked. Nothing is worse than finding out that your dinosaurs [[Gladiator Games|refuse to eat the hero]] because [[Androcles' Lion|he once removed a thorn from their foot]]. Except maybe finding out that the cool spiky ones [[Somewhere a Palaeontologist Is Crying|are actually herbivores]].

** If I am forced into a position where such a thing becomes necessary, I will ensure that I first take a Masters course in robotics and computer programming, as well as full A+ and C++ certification; being a digital god means nothing if you don't have the proper firewalls, anti-viral programs and encryptions, after all.

** I will also make a backup copy if possible. I will also take many steps to make sure that the backup only exists on a locked network, and will not be transferred out of it unless the original is deleted. I don't want a [[Cloning Blues|digital clone]] trying to kill me or anything.

*** No, no, no! No clones! Full stop. [[Back To The Drawing Board]].

* If and when I finally become lord of my desired domain, and I wish to expand my empire, I will ''not'' randomly pick out a country and attack it blindly; instead, I will study each of my options carefully, learning everything about them as I can, then pick out the ones that would most benefit me in its subjugation and open up diplomatic and trade negotiations with them. Once I have used those negotiations to undermine their economy and political standing, and make them dependent on my exports to live, I will quietly annex them into the empire.

** I will also keep in mind the power of propaganda, and have the state-run media smear my intended target for as long as it takes until the people are ''begging'' me to conquer them.

* I will invest in natural, renewable resources to power my evil factories and machines. Smoke-billowing industrial wastelands may be thematically appropriate, but even I'm not immune to the health hazards their pollution causes, and it's far easier to just build another set of solar batteries or wind generators than to find another source of plutonium or coal.

** In that case, I'll set up several "meat farms" to regulate the fleshies we'll need for those purposes; no telling what kind of techniques other societies outside my circle have to take out the undead.

** That said, I will make sure the farms limit the number of meat-bags alive at any given time, are properly supervised, and are divided into small groups (in as much as possible). This is just asking for a noble hero to rise up and start a rebellion among the oppressed. Perhaps I'll just develop some kind of cloning/rapid maturation process instead. No rule says that a human in a vegetative state can't be sacrificed.

*** If, in this case, I am required to have a turn-off method in the rare case that the thing is activated ''within'' my inner sanctum/fortress/other vulnerable area but unlaunched, it should consist of ten keys, with copies sent to various subordinates, such as lieutenants, with at least two keys in secured locations only I can access, with no other copies of them. These two in particular should contain self-detonation devices implanted in the teeth of the keys, triggered through both the presence of oxygen (or the local abundant gas) and a detonator in my possession, with its own kill-switch in the case it is removed from my possession. Voice commands are optional, but I shall use variations of my normal voice, unused in any other case - 'tis folly to be unable to defuse my own bomb because my lieutenant got himself killed, or the heroes have somebody who can imitate my voice.

*** In the same vein, all my ramparts of my primary fortress should be equipped with Aegis missile launchers or equivalent to take down the missile in the rare case the heroes circumvent its protections and send it at my fortress.

** If I "own" the police, I will also make sure I "own" their forensic scientists and cleanup crew, not only for the above, but also to ensure the properly wrong people are prosecuted for my misdeeds.

** And I'm gonna make ''damn sure'' I own the fire department, and possibly poison control as well.

** However, I will maintain plausible deniability at all times, both for me and my lieutenants, and begin training a replacement if it looks like a meddling hero will soon come to "remove" him from my service. I may even punish him first if I am looking to gain the hero's good graces for later.

** Also, such people make perfect scapegoats, when they are in charge of some task too unpopular to be considered as something their master or even valuable lieutenants would do with their own hands. It's not too hard to suggest that it was an abuse of power [[Complete Monster]] was offed for, as opposed to execution of orders too eagerly. And most people will believe - save those who are allowed to think their intrigues did the trick. After all, [[Josef Stalin|it's almost tradition]].

** Alternatively, if I really do have [[Even Evil Has Standards|standards]] then this is what I tell them in order to gather all the scum in one place. And if I can't think of [[Blood Sport|anything]] [[Human Resources|to]] [[Mad Scientist|do]] [[Mad Artist|with]] a whole bunch of people that [[Acceptable Targets|no one will actually miss]], then I need to learn how to do my job better.

** These things make great presents for a trustworthy-but-inept mook, though.

** No. Not even then. When [[With Great Power Comes Great Insanity]], all bets are off.

*** [[Seen It a Million Times]]. The power upgrade ''always'' allows said Mook-That-Was to neutralize the [[Restraining Bolt|headbomb]]. ''Always''.

* I will ''not'' be a [[Slave to PR]]; how I will act and appear before the public eye will be based solely on how such action would be the most beneficial to my plans at the time. Not only will this leave me open to myriad more options to achieve my goals than usual, it'll also confuse the hell out of my PR-shackled enemies and rivals, preventing them from predicting my next course of action and rallying a revolt against me among the (most likely equally confuddled) masses.

** I'll also keep in mind that my enemies and rivals will still most likely be bound by PR, and will use that to my advantage whenever possible, unless such exploitation will disrupt my schemes or undermine any PR benefits I might get.

** I will, however, keep in mind that the average [[Anti-Hero]] doesn't care about PR.

*** On second thought, I will have it teleport the intruder into the Dungeon. That way, if [[The Hero]] DOES hack it, I won't die a painful death, my loyal mooks will get me out of there and reboot the entire surveillance system. [[Mook Face Turn|If they don't]], I'll free myself using the cell key that I carry with me at all time and have them executed.

* I will never try to steal the power of a god.

** Leasing, renting or bartering for the power of a God, on the other hand, are all viable options, assuming I can find a trustworthy God amenable to the idea.

** I will remember than any God amenable to the idea of giving ''me'' power is probably about as far away from trustworthy as you can get. I will instead devote my resources to figuring out how to [[A God Am I|ascend on my own merits]].

** On the off chance I find a ''good'' genie, I will free him. That way he won't be available for the heroes.

** Before I free him, I will wish for him to never directly or indirectly help anyone harm or defeat me, ever. Only with that in place (in writing, I think) will I then free him.

** In any situation where a number of wishes are granted for me, I will use all the wishes immediately, so as to avoid making accidental wishes with negative consequences. In the event that I have fewer wishes prepared than the number offered, I will make my wishes and then say "I wish for this statement to be a wish" repeatedly until my wishes are expended.

** My first wish will be "I wish I knew what to wish for", thus neatly solving any and all problems that could arise in the wishing.

* If any of my underlings proposes their own plan to destroy the heroes/conquer the planet/etc., they will be instructed to take their proposal to a crack R&D team; that team in turn will be instructed only to outright reject proposals that, after all reasonable fine-tuning to them has been exhausted, are simply too costly or unreliable compared to the possible advantage gained. I will of course have the final say on which proposals will be accepted or not, but creativity and refinement will be emphasized with all plans submitted. At the very least, the illusion given that I actually care about my minions' little pet projects will keep them from turning against me in an attempt to prove "it'll really work, honest".

** If one of these schemes is good enough to implement, the minion behind it will be right there by my side while it's carried out, and receive full credit for their idea. Not only will it encourage further innovation among the ranks, but it'll paint ''him'' as the target instead of me when someone comes to thwart the scheme and keep me from looking like a [[General Failure]] if the plan goes to hell in a hand-basket.

* Rather than [[Enemy Civil War|fostering dissension in the ranks]] to distract a minion who might try to dispose of me, I will encourage a strong sense of camaraderie amongst my legions of terror, especially my [[Quirky Miniboss Squad]]. Won't the heroes be surprised when a posse ten thousand strong puts [[The Power of Friendship]] on ''my'' side?

** Similarly, I will encourage [[Minion Shipping]], and even be open to advances from my subordinates. Not only will it bring us [[The Power of Love]], but it'll also keep me from even being ''tempted'' to [[I Have You Now, My Pretty|try seducing the hero's significant other]]. After all, the [[Dark Action Girl]] has [[Evil Is Sexy|more to offer me]], and trying to keep up with her is [[Hot Amazon|more fun anyhow]].

** Alternatively, I'll use obstacles that are bafflingly un-obstacle-like when possible. They'll thwart the hero's progress longer if he can't ''tell'' they're thwarting his progress.

* If I am [[President Evil|the ruler]] of my own country, planet or solar system, then I will make sure that my military is loyal to me and competent enough to avoid [[2-D Space|certain]] [[Hollywood Tactics|mistakes]] common in fiction.

* I will remember that [[New Media Are Evil|new media is not (inherently) evil.]]

** [[Shock Site|If I need to, I can make new media evil.]]

** That'll happen on its own.

** Note to self: vilify (or at least discredit) those without blogs for being "behind the times."

* I will periodically send my assassins to kill random conspiracy nuts in suspicious-looking ways. There is little danger that they will find out about my plans and no one would have believed them anyway, but the heroes will be [[Revealing Coverup|convinced that they were killed for what they knew]] and will get so wrapped up in trying to foil my diabolical plan to give all trees epilepsy that my real plans will go unchallenged. Plus it gives my assassins something to do.

** I will ''never'' promise to uphold my end of the deal before the other party upholds theirs. Just because I want repeat customers doesn't mean I can trust everyone else. (I will ensure this at the promise-''making'' point of the deal.)

** I will also remember that I am doing this out of pragmatism as opposed to a sense of honour, and will not consider this rule binding. If breaking the contract would result in the instantaneous death of the hero and my ascent to godhood, my word will most certainly not be my bond.

* When adding to an [[Evil Overlord List]], I will make simple flaws in my suggestions. Those [[Genre Savvy]] enough to spot the mistake and edit it will either be chosen for addition to my forces or killed immediately. See rule 4.4 near the top of this list for an example of this.

** [[Completely Missing the Point|There is no rule 4.4]]

** Also, if my significant other insists on [[Theme Naming]], I'll make sure [[Odd Name Out|they're all included]].

* If I have a lieutenant who is completely loyal to me, believing me to be on the good side despite the heroes' assurances that I am actually evil, I will ''not'' decide it is a good idea to notify them of the fact that I have secretly hated them for as long as I've known them.

* I will not attempt to "steal Christmas". Or Easter, Thanksgiving, Hannukkah, Boxing Day, Setsubun or any other holiday widely observed by the people. There is no way it can end well. I will instead make myself well known for [[Bread and Circuses|doing highly generous, festive and visible acts]] in addition to paying proper respect to all socio-religious celebrations.

** Likewise, I will encourage people to celebrate pseudo-holidays such as Valentine's Day, Flag Day, Hero Appreciation Day... okay, well, maybe not that last one, but having the populace bicker over which holidays are better than which other holidays is more helpful to me than seeing them organize themselves over complete repression of said holidays.

** Step 4: The room will flood with Novichok nerve gas.

** Step 5: The ship will flood with Novichok nerve gas.

** Step 7: The napalm will ignite.

** Step 8: [[There Is No Kill Like Overkill|A two-hundred-megaton thermonuclear bomb will detonate in the ship's engine room.]]

** There will be no countdown between the button being pressed and the device activating.

 

{{reflist}}

[[Category:Evil Tropes]]