Additional Evil Overlord List Cellblock A: Difference between revisions

****** CARPETING MAN, USE CARPETS!!

****** Free socks for all employees.

** I will hire [[Johnny Depp]] to to do that, only he can pull it off.

** In this vein, I will carefully observe the workings of the world and determine its position on the [[Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism]]. That way, I will know how far I can go with my evil plots before losing the sympathy of the [[Fan Girl|fanbase]].

** If it is necessary to deal with an enemy, PR be damned, I can see the horizon over there!

** I will always keep in mind, however, that [[Conservation of Ninjitsu]] frequently applies to machines too, and that it is ''really'' embarrassing for your large fleet of tanks to be destroyed by a sixteen-year-old in a mecha. It makes you look weak ''and'' unimaginative.

*** I'll build one, ginormous, efficient tank. While the hero designs a complicated robot hand to hold his gun, I shall simply build the gun right into the tank, and make a killing on savings. Which I can use to build a better gun. That sort of thing.

** Wait a minute. I'm both well aware of what is [[Cool but Inefficient]] ''and'' am [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]. To that end, I'll go both ways, and construct a force of fairly smaller mecha than what the hero will be trotting around in, probably quadrupedal or even more leggy, to avoid dangers to their mobility. These smaller mecha will thus have all the advantages of the [[Rule of Cool]] inherent to mecha while at the same time avoiding many of the weaknesses of single large mechas.

*** I will also ensure that ''all'' of these mecha are individually customized, with unique paintjobs and affectations, and have (attractive female or bishounen) pilots whose names (and nicknames like "Maniac" and "Iceman") are constantly mentioned and have deep, colorful backgrounds. Also, these mecha will only operate in small groups, thus utilizing both [[Nominal Importance]] ''and'' dodging [[Conservation of Ninjitsu]]. Plus, there's the possibility one or more of my many unique mecha-pilot minions will become the target of a [[Misaimed Fandom]], making them [[Contractual Immortality|unable to die]]. I'm [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]; I might as well take advantage of it.

**** What [[Moral Event Horizon]]? I'm evil!

**** Never justify your actions with "I'm f***ing evil!" There's no point in reading these lists if that's your train of thought. The idea is to convince people you're NOT evil, so they won't want to kill you in the first place.

**** So like the original list said, I will never tell the hero my plan. Ever.

* If I ever attack my enemy's main base, my operational plan will specifically de-target the pilots' barracks to a distance no less than three times the lethal radius of my most powerful weapons, thus insuring his mecha are commanded by their regular pilots rather than sixteen year-old replacements who will invariably be more formidable.

***** Instead of sending no girls, I shall send a group of attractive female pilots between the ages of fifteen and thirty. They shall all be fanatically loyal to me and shall all carry [[Crazy Prepared|a disassembled submachine gun]] concealed on their person. Their orders will be to eject from their craft at the slightest hint of danger, allow themselves to be rescued by the hero, pretend to fall in love at first sight, then [[Just Shoot Him|shoot him]] [[In the Back]] as soon as he turns away.

** Should my enemy use some powerful war machines usable by any child, I'll covertly recruit teen fans of relevant simulators in appropriate numbers, promising them a chance to pilot the real thing. My Black Ops will smuggle these volunteers into the enemy hangars in order to hijack aforementioned machines, so the enemy will face a crowd of unpredictable trigger-happy [[Munchkin|munchkins]] amidst their base. Also, it will give the enemy bad PR for poor security, destruction of their base and killing innocent kids who just wanted to play. This will reduce the possibility that some inane genius would ''ever'' join the enemy ranks, due to both bad PR and because I just got rid of most candidates (by proxy). Any survivor of this operation mad enough to wish for more will be enlisted immediately (shock troops for free!).

* Should it ever be absolutely unavoidable that I build an army of [[Humongous Mecha]], they will all be [[Super Prototype|experimental prototypes]]. If a refinement of a design is necessary, I will instead build a new prototype.

** Note: That mecha I had the mooks build for me should be able to wipe out the whole base with one shot.

** Alternatively, the drinks are free but laced with slow-acting poison to which [[Find the Cure|only I (supposedly) have the cure]]. I will use this as leverage to force the heroes to get me a [[MacGuffin]], at which point I will break tradition and actually give the hero the cure I promised. However, the 'cure' I give will actually be a ''fast''-acting poison that kills him in half an hour.

** [http://www.adventurers-comic.com/d/0016.html There should be no cotton candy.]

** Why am I building a [[Circus of Fear]] again? Screw this -- I will hire a competent psychiatrist to remove the compulsion that led me to do this in the first place and then go and do something ''useful''. To assuage my needs, I will build a ''regular'' [[Amusement Park]] with an [[Of Doom]] theme. That oughta scratch my itch and provide some much-needed funding for the real plans.

*** Not to mention making me [[Affably Evil|look better]] to the kids.

** [[The Password Is Always Swordfish|The password will not be "Swordfish".]] It will be a random series of letters, numbers, and even punctuation. Nobody ever thinks of punctuation.

** I will set up long puzzles that are literally impossible and hope the heroes try to solve it and get distracted long enough for some minions to kill them, but not before they find the joke that makes fun of them that I put in the puzzle, just for laughs.

** The password will always be something referencing pop culture. Let's see how the hero born in the same year as me is surprised when he can't figure out that the password is 8675309!

*** If the password will be referencing pop culture, why not make pop culture decades before the hero is born? If the hero was born the same year as me, he may get 8675309, but not what Puttin' on the Ritz MEANS!

*** Good show! And while we're at it, i really hate that Uranus pun... let's go ahead and blow that up too.

*** I also never liked Venus being both the Morning and Evening Star. That just pisses me off.

*** Don't bother destroying Saturn, it will just [[Sailor Moon|be reborn]], and that will be just plain frustrating.

* I may have a Fu Manchu mustache, but only if I am either a: [[Genre Savvy]] or b: extremely [[Camp|campy]].

** A better idea is to not be involved with family issues at all. Or just kill his whole family. And him. Sucker.

* If I form a cult, it will be entirely made up just to rob people of money, rather like Scientology. Unlike Scientology, there will be no supernatural elements, as that would just mean the spirit/god/demon/mystic phlebotinum/etc. would backfire on me eventually. Also, it just makes you sound silly.

** But either way, I will sacrifice Tom Cruise.

* If I have created several boss monsters that have lost to the hero already but are in my final dungeon, which the hero has penetrated, the hero will not have to [[Boss Rush|fight all of them in a sequence]]. Rather, they, along with myself, will all attack the hero simultaneously.

*** On the other hand, being Vetinari-like (with a larger budget for jetpacks and mechs) and alive beats being Blofeld and dead.

*** I'm talking to myself because two heads are better than one and many personalities is as close as we'll get.

*** [[The Blofeld Ploy|Because I killed those who were]]?

**** [[Madness Mantra|Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!]]

***** [[Tempting Fate|Make Me.]]

** Alternatively, I will be [[Genre Blind]] and [[Genre Savvy]] ''at the same time'' to throw off my enemies. For example, I'll allow my [[Load-Bearing Boss|fortress to turn to rubble]] only to evacuate to a bigger, sturdier fortress than won't fall down the next time I'm defeated.

* There is no such thing as a fair fight. If I come across my nemesis while he is disarmed, then that is his problem, not mine.

** It is always polite to bow to your opponent. It is also very stupid as it leaves you open for attack. I will exploit this flaw as much as possible.

**** I will keep in mind that if they are in [[Doomed Hometown|a town]] the [[Kill Sat]] can bypass [[Infant Immortality]] so if they are a threat I will do this with increased range and power, [[Karmic Death]] "what dead kids" not to mention nothing says "FEAR ME" like blatantly and totally overdoing, [[There Is No Kill Like Overkill|and destroying a nation to get rid of a few kids is definitely overdoing it.]]

** All children will be brought into my raising at my special orphanages. If you can't kill them, convert them.

* I will not [[Evolutionary Levels|mess with evolution]]. It's really not worth the problems, and it never helps.

** [[Iron Man|Is it too much to ask for both?]]

*** Wasn't it God's plan all along?

** I will remember that philosophers such as Machiavelli offered very context-sensitive advice, and will endeavor to study these contexts thoroughly. I will NOT [[Quote Mine]] them for convenience.

* If I want to kill some character who the hero likes without him trying to avenge his/her/their death, I will do the following: "accidentally" create an evil clone of the sidekick, let the evil clone infiltrate the hero's hideout and let him take the place of the sidekick; when the hero has finally found out who is the sidekick and has offed the clone, I will kill the sidekick and explain it by wanting to kill the evil clone, and voila: a hero without a sidekick and without a grudge. Me: 2, hero: 0.

** As we went over at the clone entry, said evil clone will be under my direct control, it will not be designed to include the original's characteristics.

*** If virginity is really that important, I will select a homely child and carefully screen the minions responsible for the abduction so as to eliminate any with a known attraction to the child's gender or age.

** And I will also keep in mind that [[Infant Immortality|it will fail anyway]].

** I will always check the bare requirements for a Virgin Sacrifice, if possible I will use a eunuch cult member volunteer from my own cult or similar.

** Since I plan to have orphans, I'll just one of my own.

**** If I do go the route of sacrificing adopted orphans, I will ensure that not ''all'' of the children I adopt die in "tragic accidents," and that I'm not the only one whose foster children have a tendency to die in such 'unforeseen' accidents. The point here is to cover up that I'm sacrificing children, after all, and if my foster children always die, people are at least going to start wondering why I'm still allowed to adopt. I will also change up my cover stories a bit and have at least ''some'' of them "run away" and turn up dead some time later.

**** Alternatively, forget the orphans. Any deity or demon wanting those would be [[Eviler Than Thou|more evil than me]], and therefore be untrustworthy and/or stiff competition.

**** Also alternatively, if the requirements do not specifically say Human Virgin Sacrifice, I will get either the ugliest animal I can find, or use an animal destined for food. And hold a luau after the ceremony.

***** "[[Alpha Bitch]]" and "virgin" should never go in the same sentence.

**** No, I'll sacrifice a [[Self-Made Orphan|Self-Made]] [[Evil Orphan]]. ''Guaranteed'' nobody will miss the brat, and it eliminates a potential competitor.

* Slavery is mayhem waiting to happen. Slavery does not loyal citizens make. However, if I offer a small wage and basic heath care plus care for the injured and elderly it will not cost much more but will buy loyalty.

*** Hang on...

** My slavery will be more like a regular job. The worker slaves will get food, water, respect, and rest. But no breaks. And no vacations. Except holidays. Harem slaves will be given the most elegant (and sexy) clothes and jewels and beautiful rooms to sleep in.

** This is another reason to NOT have big mirrors, as well as the whole vanity thing.

* As 116 above demonstrates, any extremely competent [[Evil Overlord]] is indistinguishable from an extremely competent [[Benevolent Ruler]]. This also applies in reverse.

** Wait, then why am I reading this and contributing to it? This is online, isn't it?

** Forget that. A [[Genre Savvy|Genre Savviness]] arms race could be dangerous, but being [[Genre Blind]] when my opponents aren't would be deadly. Instead, I will study any such list I come across (plus all "Vows for Heroes" lists) and if my enemies study the same lists, all the better for me. If that happens, [[I Know You Know I Know|I'll be able to predict their responses and confound them by doing something they'd never expect]]. [[Batman Gambit|Or doing exactly what they'd expect]].

* If a trained monkey can do it, I will let said trained monkey do it so that my minions can do something more important.

** I will make darn sure not to overestimate the strength, reliability, skill, or competency of a monkey. Training human minions is probably more efficient than training comparatively short-lived and unreliable primates, so monkey use is likely to be limited.

* I will assume that all of my enemies are [[I Am Not Left-Handed|not left handed]], and plan accordingly.

** I will not rule out the possibility that some of them ''are'' left-handed after all. Holding back when someone else isn't? That's just ''asking'' for trouble.

** I will avoid purchasing technology from Doctor Doom, as he ''always'' puts an override that he alone can access into ''everything'' he makes-- or holds for more than five minutes. I will avoid taking his advice on what to purchase, either, simply because his devices are inevitably destroyed or captured by the heroes.

*** Remembering I have an advanced team of gizmo-working mooks, they can outdo Doom's tricks.

** Because I can never be too sure, I will first make my most incompetent minion absorb the super being's power. If it doesn't take over his body, kill him, or drive him any more insane, then I'll kill the minion and take the power for myself. If it does, I'll just kill the minion.

** But first I will make sure that any minion who gets said power is, first and foremost, fanatically LOYAL to me personally, to the point of being cheerfully willing to die for me. Even then I will take no chances and have a small explosive discreetly implanted in their brain during a "routine" medical procedure, after first making sure that the power in question will not in any way interfere with the activation mechanism.

*** And they won't just join up with the hero when you fire them why...?

**** Because by then, a new plan will have been drafted and sent through the advisory process. Therefore, any "tactics" and "information" they bring to the hero will be null. And even then, the advisors are fitted with a small explosive inside their chest cavity that is just powerful enough to destroy the heart, but not so much as to destroy anything else. Of course, the detonators will be on my person and only my person at all times. That way, if they do get any smart ideas, the heroes will initially think he died of a heart attack, or some other ailment, and won't be related back to me until they perform an autopsy, IF they perform one. I'm supposed to be [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]], so why not make damn sure that you can kill your advisors without it being known that you killed them.

* Before [[Villain Team-Up|teaming up with a fellow villain to defeat our common enemy]], I will first perform a background check. If said villain's ends are [[Even Evil Has Standards|morally repugnant]], or his means are [[Villain Ball|idiotic]], then I'll just sic the good guys on him.

** Screw that. I'll just let him kill the heroes by himself, then kill him and [[Fake Ultimate Hero|claim the credit]].

** As a third option, perhaps I should consider small, nonvenomous snakes. Good for evil cred, actually kinda cute, far less likely to hold a grudge than a pit bull, and the average [[Friend to All Living Things]] won't touch 'em.

*** However, I will still look into having a pet cat or dog, just in case that crafty hero's pet is a mongoose.

** With so many things that can go wrong, better to avoid pets entirely. Mooks will respond better to cash bonuses than kitties anyway.

* I will do the whole "'''[[This Cannot Be!]]!'''" after the heroes have defeated my ''penultimate'' boss form. That way, when I [[One-Winged Angel|sprout a wing]] or [[Bishonen Line|grow really long hair]], they will be completely unprepared for my next attack.

* If the heroes have the ability to "[[Save Point|save]]" their progress at specific points, I will assign a special force to find these points and destroy them.

** Alternatively, I'll use these points to save ''my'' progress repeatedly. Won't the heroes be surprised when I predict all of their moves? I'll also be prepared for this to take a ''long time'' but for some reason, most heroes have the attention spans of teenagers.

* I will drive a car of the [[Everybody Owns a Ford|same make]] as the heroes. I will avoid traveling in any vehicle between two and thirty years old. In fact, I'll just consult with major Hollywood stuntmen about which type of car they LEAST like to work with, and get one of those.

** On second thoughts, maybe I'll spare 5 minutes to ask ''why'' said stuntmen dislike said type of car. The answer might be important.

*** If, in this case, I am required to have a turn-off method in the rare case that the thing is activated ''within'' my inner sanctum/fortress/other vulnerable area but unlaunched, it should consist of ten keys, with copies sent to various subordinates, such as lieutenants, with at least two keys in secured locations only I can access, with no other copies of them. These two in particular should contain self-detonation devices implanted in the teeth of the keys, triggered through both the presence of oxygen (or the local abundant gas) and a detonator in my possession, with its own kill-switch in the case it is removed from my possession. Voice commands are optional, but I shall use variations of my normal voice, unused in any other case - 'tis folly to be unable to defuse my own bomb because my lieutenant got himself killed, or the heroes have somebody who can imitate my voice.

*** In the same vein, all my ramparts of my primary fortress should be equipped with Aegis missile launchers or equivalent to take down the missile in the rare case the heroes circumvent its protections and send it at my fortress.

** If I "own" the police, I will also make sure I "own" their forensic scientists and cleanup crew, not only for the above, but also to ensure the properly wrong people are prosecuted for my misdeeds.

** And I'm gonna make ''damn sure'' I own the fire department, and possibly poison control as well.

** However, I will maintain plausible deniability at all times, both for me and my lieutenants, and begin training a replacement if it looks like a meddling hero will soon come to "remove" him from my service. I may even punish him first if I am looking to gain the hero's good graces for later.

** Also, such people make perfect scapegoats, when they are in charge of some task too unpopular to be considered as something their master or even valuable lieutenants would do with their own hands. It's not too hard to suggest that it was an abuse of power [[Complete Monster]] was offed for, as opposed to execution of orders too eagerly. And most people will believe - save those who are allowed to think their intrigues did the trick. After all, [[Josef Stalin|it's almost tradition]].

** Alternatively, if I really do have [[Even Evil Has Standards|standards]] then this is what I tell them in order to gather all the scum in one place. And if I can't think of [[Blood Sport|anything]] [[Human Resources|to]] [[Mad Scientist|do]] [[Mad Artist|with]] a whole bunch of people that [[Acceptable Targets|no one will actually miss]], then I need to learn how to do my job better.

** These things make great presents for a trustworthy-but-inept mook, though.

** No. Not even then. When [[With Great Power Comes Great Insanity]], all bets are off.

*** [[Seen It a Million Times]]. The power upgrade ''always'' allows said Mook-That-Was to neutralize the [[Restraining Bolt|headbomb]]. ''Always''.

* I will ''not'' be a [[Slave to PR]]; how I will act and appear before the public eye will be based solely on how such action would be the most beneficial to my plans at the time. Not only will this leave me open to myriad more options to achieve my goals than usual, it'll also confuse the hell out of my PR-shackled enemies and rivals, preventing them from predicting my next course of action and rallying a revolt against me among the (most likely equally confuddled) masses.

** I'll also keep in mind that my enemies and rivals will still most likely be bound by PR, and will use that to my advantage whenever possible, unless such exploitation will disrupt my schemes or undermine any PR benefits I might get.

** I will, however, keep in mind that the average [[Anti-Hero]] doesn't care about PR.

* If any of my underlings proposes their own plan to destroy the heroes/conquer the planet/etc., they will be instructed to take their proposal to a crack R&D team; that team in turn will be instructed only to outright reject proposals that, after all reasonable fine-tuning to them has been exhausted, are simply too costly or unreliable compared to the possible advantage gained. I will of course have the final say on which proposals will be accepted or not, but creativity and refinement will be emphasized with all plans submitted. At the very least, the illusion given that I actually care about my minions' little pet projects will keep them from turning against me in an attempt to prove "it'll really work, honest".

** If one of these schemes is good enough to implement, the minion behind it will be right there by my side while it's carried out, and receive full credit for their idea. Not only will it encourage further innovation among the ranks, but it'll paint ''him'' as the target instead of me when someone comes to thwart the scheme and keep me from looking like a [[General Failure]] if the plan goes to hell in a hand-basket.

* Rather than [[Enemy Civil War|fostering dissension in the ranks]] to distract a minion who might try to dispose of me, I will encourage a strong sense of camaraderie amongst my legions of terror, especially my [[Quirky Miniboss Squad]]. Won't the heroes be surprised when a posse ten thousand strong puts [[The Power of Friendship]] on ''my'' side?

** Similarly, I will encourage [[Minion Shipping]], and even be open to advances from my subordinates. Not only will it bring us [[The Power of Love]], but it'll also keep me from even being ''tempted'' to [[I Have You Now, My Pretty|try seducing the hero's significant other]]. After all, the [[Dark Action Girl]] has [[Evil Is Sexy|more to offer me]], and trying to keep up with her is [[Hot Amazon|more fun anyhow]].

** Alternatively, I'll use obstacles that are bafflingly un-obstacle-like when possible. They'll thwart the hero's progress longer if he can't ''tell'' they're thwarting his progress.

* If I am [[President Evil|the ruler]] of my own country, planet or solar system, then I will make sure that my military is loyal to me and competent enough to avoid [[2-D Space|certain]] [[Hollywood Tactics|mistakes]] common in fiction.

* I will remember that [[New Media Are Evil|new media is not (inherently) evil.]]

** [[Shock Site|If I need to, I can make new media evil.]]

** That'll happen on its own.

** Unless I'm deliberately going to a [[Zero-Percent Approval Rating]], I should get a blog anyway. You ''cannot'' understate its value.

** Note to self: vilify (or at least discredit) those without blogs for being "behind the times."

** I will ''never'' promise to uphold my end of the deal before the other party upholds theirs. Just because I want repeat customers doesn't mean I can trust everyone else. (I will ensure this at the promise-''making'' point of the deal.)

** I will also remember that I am doing this out of pragmatism as opposed to a sense of honour, and will not consider this rule binding. If breaking the contract would result in the instantaneous death of the hero and my ascent to godhood, my word will most certainly not be my bond.

* When adding to an [[Evil Overlord List]], I will make simple flaws in my suggestions. Those [[Genre Savvy]] enough to spot the mistake and edit it will either be chosen for addition to my forces or killed immediately. See rule 4.4 near the top of this list for an example of this.

** [[Completely Missing the Point|There is no rule 4.4]]

** Step 4: The room will flood with Novichok nerve gas.

** Step 5: The ship will flood with Novichok nerve gas.

** Step 7: The napalm will ignite.

** Step 8: [[There Is No Kill Like Overkill|A two-hundred-megaton thermonuclear bomb will detonate in the ship's engine room.]]

** There will be no countdown between the button being pressed and the device activating.

 

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