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{{quote| ''So there I was...''}}
 
This series is not written by [[Brandon Sanderson]]. I know, that's what it says on the cover, but [[Covers Always Lie]]. I'm Alcatraz Smedry, and I'm the real author of this series. I always tell the truth. Except when I lie. The reason it says "Brandon Sanderson" on the cover is because otherwise the Librarians would never allow it to be published. Brandon Sanderson has agreed to use his name as a cover for these series. He also writes a lot of his own books, but they are mostly a bunch of made-up fantasy stories about [[Mistborn|mist]], [[The Stormlight Archive|storms]], [[The Wheel of Time (Literature)|wheels]] and other such [[Elantris|silly]] [[Warbreaker|stuff]]. I've taken a look at some of his books, and most of them are really long, really big, and would make for a good [[Doorstopper]], or maybe a blunt weapon.
 
The books I write are not overly long, and they are not fantasy, though we have to hide them in the fantasy section of bookstores and libraries. Neither are they, despite what others may have told you, light-hearted comedic fantasy books for children and young adults that can also be enjoyed by adults with a good sense of humor. Instead, they are serious, completely true books about politics, economics, history and my adventures fighting the Evil Librarian Cult that rules most of the world (The Hushlands) and is trying to take over the rest of the world (The Free Kingdoms).
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# ''Alcatraz Versus the Shattered Lens'' (2010)
 
Also, I would really like it if you don't confuse this with [[The Alcatraz]]. Or ''[[Alcatraz (TV series)|Alcatraz]]'', for that matter
{{tropelist}}
* [[Absent-Minded Professor]]: A lot of the Smedries are this.
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* [[Blatant Lies]]: Just about everything Librarians tell you. Physics, for example. And Napoleon. And, well... okay. Some of my narration isn't entirely accurate. Admit it, though. You totally thought I was a fish.
* [[Black Magic]]: Dark Oculary
* [[Blessed Withwith Suck]] or [[Cursed Withwith Awesome]]: All the Smedry Talents contain elements of both, to one degree or another.
* [[Brick Joke]]
* [[Cats Are Mean]]: [[Cute Kitten|Kittens are cute]] so that they can draw you in, then pounce on you for the kill. Seriously. Stay away from kittens.
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* [[Cool Airship]], or maybe [[Cool Plane]]: The Dragonaut isn't technically an airplane that uses jet engines or an airship that uses oversize balloons to fly, but it is cool and it flies, and there isn't a trope for "Cool Silimatic Flying Glass Dragon" so I had to put this somewhere.
* [[Contractual Immortality]] or perhaps [[Foregone Conclusion]]: Will Alcatraz Smedry be sacrificed by Evil Librarians? Will he be killed by a Dark Oculator? Will he die when he breaks his own flying dragon ship? Will he be killed in the deadly pit filled with sharks who are wielding chainsaws with killer kittens stapled to them? Of course not, because I'm still alive to tell the story. The suspense comes from finding out out I overcome obstacles and whether or not anyone else dies. {{spoiler|Of course, Bastille totally dies at the end of book 2.}}
* [[Death Byby Newbery Medal]]: This trope isn't used, so much as it's repeatedly mocked. I always go on about how authors must hate mothers and dogs because they are always trying to write meaningful books that kill off one or the other, or sometimes even both.
* [[Department of Child Disservices]]: My child services worker was always telling me how useless I was. {{spoiler|Turns out she was my mother. I know, great parents I have, right.}}
* [[Destructive Saviour]] plus [[Nice Job Breaking It, Hero]] plus [[Person of Mass Destruction]]: Hey, I did say I was good at breaking things. {{spoiler|This comes into sharp focus at the end of the fourth book, when my defeat of an invading army also manages to do a lot of damage to the city I'm defending, as well as breaking the Smedry Talents.}}
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* [[Dungeon Crawling]]: Every time we infiltrate a library, ranging from a typical American local library to the Library of Alexandria. Complete with traps, monsters and villains.
* [[Eccentric Mentor]]: Grandpa Smedry is about as eccentric as they get.
* [[Elegant Weapon for Aa More Civilized Age]]: The [[Cool Sword|crystal swords]] used by the Knights of Crystallia.
* [[Everybody Hates Mathematics]]: More like being bad at math is Aydee Smedry's Talent.
* [[Everything's Better Withwith Dinosaurs]]: Er, actually, dinosaurs are a bit annoying. They ''can'' be useful if you want to cause a distraction in a library, though.
* [[Everything's Even Worse Withwith Sharks]]: Especially chain-saw wielding sharks.
* [[Eye Beams]]: Any Oculatory lens with "-bringer's" in the name (e.g. [[Frickin' Laser Beams|Firebringer's Lenses]], [[An Ice Person|Frostbringer's Lenses]], etc).
* [[Kid Hero]]: Alcatraz Smedry, though I'm not nearly as heroic as people think I am.
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* [[Instant Awesome, Just Add Dragons]]: Of course, [[Our Dragons Are Different]]. For example, the Dragonaut is a dragon shaped flying ship, with six wings, and six legs. Oh, and it's made of glass, of course.
* [[It Runs in The Family]]: "A family full of eccentric, weird and sometimes insane relatives..." Yeah, that sounds like mine. We're especially noted for our recklessness, which annoys Bastille no end.
* [[Leaning Onon the Fourth Wall]]: Because I do all my narration in first person, and I'm the main character in the book, there's no fourth wall for me. Sometimes, even within the dialogue, I'll makes a reference to how the events of the story would appear if I wrote them as my memoirs.
* [[Lemony Narrator]]: though I really prefer macaroni and cheese.
* [[Lethal Joke Character]]: Literally ''everyone'' with a Smedry Talent. For instance, Grandpa Leavenworth has a Talent for being late, and makes himself virtually invincible by doing things like arriving late to a spot where bullets are going to be, and my cousin Australia can be a [[Master of Disguise]] using her Talent for waking up ugly.
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* [[Scary Librarian]]: Not all librarians are evil cultists. Some librarians are instead vengeful undead who want to suck your soul.
* [[Shout-Out]]
** "I hadn't forgotten how {{spoiler|my mother}}'d given Himalaya up to be executed, nor how she'd sold me {{spoiler|her own son}} to Blackburn, the one-eyed Oculator. [[The Wheel of Time (Literature)|Or how she killed Asmodean"]].
** Quentin's nonsense phrases include [[Mistborn|"Wasing not of wasing is"]] and [[Monty Python and The Holy Grail|"Churches, lead, very small rocks, and ducks."]]
** [[To Kill a Mockingbird|"At this rate, it won’t be long before this story departs speaking of evil Librarians, and instead turns into a terribly boring tale about a lawyer who defends unjustly accused field hands. What do mockingbirds have to do with that, anyway?"]]
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** I quote a dinosaur saying "Honestly, claiming that [[Jurassic Park|velociraptors were the smartest dinosaurs]]. I knew a velociraptor in college, and he failed chemistry!"
** [[The Princess Bride|"Never get involved in a land war in Asia."]]
** I also reference ''[[The Count of Monte Cristo (Literaturenovel)|The Count of Monte Cristo]]'', ''[[Hamlet (Theatre)|Hamlet]]'', and countless others. You could say that this is a [[Reference Overdosed]] series.
* [[Speak of the Devil]]: Subverted with She Who Cannot Be Named. She isn't called that because it summons her or because her name has become a curse upon the world, but because [[The Unpronounceable|few people can pronounce her real name]].
* [[Stock Yuck]]: Fish sticks are the most disgusting thing in the world. I had to [[Neologism|invent a word]] (crapaflapnasti) to describe something that disgusting. This, of course, means that crapaflapnasti can only be used to describe fish sticks.
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