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All the Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Vows: Difference between revisions
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* If I am facing down a [[Religious Bruiser|Heroic Priest or Monk]] I will never, ever, pause just before killing him and tempt fate with such words as "Let your God smite me if you cannot," or "Where is your God now, hero?" In the best case scenario this will only serve to infuriate religious peasants and start an uprising. In the case of [[Acceptable Religious Targets]] I may make an exception.
** Likewise, that's just [[Tempting Fate]].If there's ''any'' point where said deity will intervene, it's right after I said it.
* If the Hero mowing down my [[We Have Reserves|Legions]] of [[Redshirt Army|Terror]] wouldn't last five minutes against my own [[Authority Equals Asskicking|unholy]] [[Sorcerous Overlord|might]], [[Orcus
* I will not use [[We Will Use Manual Labor in
** Also, I will not [[Turned Against Their Masters|make the machines smart enought to rebel]].
** However, in an urban or industrial setting, I should be cautious so as not to over-mechanize my society, particularly if this would render a large population of citizens unemployed. Keeping plebs downtrodden and impoverished is fine, but if there are no jobs or no ways to make ends meet then heroes are always more likely to emerge or find sympathy. People in these slums or towns are far less likely to revolt if they're too busy working all day.
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* I will know that the best defence is the [[Status Quo Is God|status quo]] so i will use it against the hero and do everything in my power to maintain it.
* If I have, indeed, taken over the world and wish to secure my presence, I will supplement my Machiavelli with some Foucault.
* I will not name my [[Right-Hand-Cat|feline companion animal]] something frilly, feminine, starting with 'Mr.' or even something remotely good and TOTALLY NOT EVIL, like Sir Fluffernutter. No. Instead, I will name it something dangerous, menacing, and most definitely evil, like [[Warrior Cats|Hawkfrost]]. Better yet, [[Everything's Worse
* On my secret computer, there will be a link to All The Tropes that says "My [[Evil Plan|Evil Plans]]". That way, if the heroes find it, [[Tropes Will Ruin Your Life|it will distract them]] while [[Just Shoot Him|I load my pistol]]. There is a possibility he (or she) will stumble across the [[Evil Overlord List]] (heroes are always very lucky) so instead we'll hyperlink it to [[Brown Note|4chan]]. Alternatively, I would make the index page of the folder accessible, but all the links branch out over [[Shock Site|Shock Sites]], the Encyclopedia Dramatica, and [[Guro]][[Image Board|chan]]. A handy memory wiper will be provided after they finished trying all the links, for the hero to [[Brain Bleach|bleach their brain]] of the horrors within, as well as [[Laser-Guided Amnesia|all those other troublesome memories]] about trying to stop me. Did I mention that the wiper will not work on myself or my most trusted?
** Nah. Even my most trusted can still [[Heel Face Turn|be turned]]. Just me.
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* My plans will not involve animals when it is not really necessary. I will not drop the hero into a snake pit when a pit of poison-coated spikes will be just as effective, and a lot cheaper.
* I will not bother wasting resources to create [[Biological Mashup|weird hybrid animals]]. A flying bear army [[Awesome but Impractical|might be really cool, but it would cost millions of dollars to create just bear]], and it would probably have a multitude of genetic defects. An entire army would drain my budget. The awesome hybrids can wait until I've conquered the world and have unlimited resources. If I ''do'' make these creatures, they will fight condemned criminals in the arena. The public needs its [[Bread and Circuses|entertainment]].
* If I am in a fantastic setting, troops riding on winged bears would practically be a [[Game Breaker]], because the result could be achieved through magic instead of science and would be much cheaper and more reliable. The flying bears are the air force, the land force would be gorilla-wolves, and the navy would be [[Everything's Squishier
* If I do use animals in my schemes, I will have all their backgrounds checked. Nothing is worse than finding out that [[The Hero]] [[Androcles' Lion|once saved the monsters from a rockslide]] and now they owe their lives to him.
* Citizens will ''not'' be heavily guarded, nor will they be incredibly poor. People will be allowed to have wealth, as wealth leads to donations. Taxes will be spent wisely on important social programmes. People will learn about the horror outside the walls. Public places will be within walking distance to eliminate the need for polluting cars, and all public places must have a master chef who will be there by his own free will. They will also have high def, plasma screen TVs that do ''not'' just broadcast me.
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* If I have the power to hypnotize or otherwise alter someone's mind, either by looking at the person or by talking in a strange voice, I will keep my weapon ready just in case.
** If am successful, I will not then order the victim to kill themselves unless I have a good reason. Why waste resources for temporary thrills?
** Nor will I place too much trust in so recently-brainwashed a follower. There's such a thing as [[Psychic Static]], and a good chance they're hiding that, like Topol did in ''[[Flash Gordon (
* I will not disregard any potential threat simply because it's [[Just a Kid]]. Instead, I will keep tabs on any kids who might turn out to be a [[Kid Hero]], ''especially'' skinny spiky-haired preteen boys and those who wear [[Rollerblade Good|rollerblades]] and speak in [[Totally Radical|antiquated '80s slang]].
* Any who pose a threat to me (given a particularly liberal definition of 'threat') will be quietly [[Unperson|unpersoned]], and their disappearance attributed to those kidnappers over at [[La Résistance]]. I don't have to worry about their death motivating a relative to bring me down, either, because that only applies to killing [[Dead Little Sister|exaggeratedly-innocent girls who have heroic-looking older brothers]].
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* I will have the retinal scanner disguised as a finger-print scanner. If anyone puts, say, the severed hand of my head of security up against it, it will spectacularly explode.
* I will also have it set up so that, in case my top roboticist turns good or my head of security suddenly dies and I don't have time to change the locks, I can reprogram them on my own. Naturally, I will have some basic programs (servant, soldier, whatever) on disc and already ready to use, and learn to do the more complicated ones myself.
* My scientists will put in the extra time to proof any mind control devices against the [[Power of Love
* All targets will have any and all parts of the brain important to feeling emotions removed.
* Never, under any circumstances, will I take on a name like "Vincent the Invincible", or anything involving [[A God Am I|godhood]]. Even if it's deserved. ''Especially'' if it's deserved. [[Tempting Fate|Do I really]] [[Karmic Death|want to find out]] [[Not So Invincible After All|how invincible I am]] [[The Worf Effect|the hard way]]?
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** In fact, if my research indicates that I am a boss in a video game, I will carefully study the list of [[Classic Video Game Screw Yous]] and will endeavor to include as many of them in my base as possible. If the Hero never gets to fight me because the player controlling him or her gave up in frustration, then I win by default.
* I will also have my Army of Terror clearing [[Random Encounter|weaker foes]] from the fields once a week. The Hero will abandon his quest if the only ways for grinding are those little cute critters that lower their karmic point (and don't provide much XP), my [[Mook|mooks]] (whose weekly level-grind has made them stronger, and have better equipment) and the [[Wake Up Call Boss]].
** Removing said monsters and bandits will also [[Villain
* I will store the [[Plot Coupon|Plot Coupons]] in a single place. The door that needs the coupons to open will be between the hero's starting location and myself. Ha.
** Alternatively, I will send my minions to guard the location of these [[Plot Coupon|Plot Coupons]], who will be told to guard them at any cost because behind the door they unlock (or a replica thereof) is my vast treasury/my one weakness/the source of my power. This door will be located as far from my main base as feasible. When the hero attempts to open the door, it will instead activate the lockdown procedures and warm up the nuke. If I have the spare resources, a [[Kill Sat]] will also be activated.
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* I will never [[No One Could Survive That|assume the hero is dead]] without making a reasonable effort to find the corpse and ensure he really is dead. Even if he is dead, there will probably be more. Every hero needs to succeed where others have failed, after all, and the one I just killed may only be a precursor for the ''real'' hero.
* Should I ever find the corpse of a hero, I will only check for life signs ''after'' subjecting it to [[Deader Than Dead|a destructive test to ensure that they are truly dead]], involving immolation, freeze-drying, and exposure to corrosives, among other things. I will also take tissue samples and cranial x-rays to make sure it's really the hero.
** After the destructive test, the body will not be buried. Once thoroughly tested, anything left over will be [[Stuff Blowing Up|blown up]], [[Kill It
* I will not, under any circumstances, trust some upstart new villain that I've never met; especially when they suggest a plan to take down the heroes that I've never thought of or that requires finding some new weapon that they guarantee will help defeat the heroes. This plan will inevitably [[Sorting Algorithm of Evil|elevate the new guy at my expense.]]
* I will avoid any plan that involves releasing the [[Sealed Evil in
* [[Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism|I will take careful notes on the world in which I live and intend to conquer]]. If I live in a [[Crapsack World|crapsack]], [[World Half Empty|half-empty]] world where pillaging and [[Moral Event Horizon|various other atrocities are committed every other day]] ''and'' [[Karma Houdini|people get away with it]], [[Anyone Can Die]] (and ''does'' and ''[[Killed Off for Real|stays dead]]'') and the world essentially hates mankind, I can allow some leeway on the "Evil" parts. However, I must do careful evaluation if God is proven to exist and [[God Is Evil|he hates the world]]. No matter how powerful I am, a God-like entity is far beyond my powers and I'm best becoming [[Enemy Mine|allies]] with the local [[Anti-Hero]] to remove said entity. I can rule as a Overlord afterwards, as removing said entity is likely not to reverse the condition of the world and it will stay crapsack, thus allowing me some leeway for my more evil tendencies while still keeping me from crossing the [[Moral Event Horizon]]. At least, I must be the least evil leader in the lands. No one is going to complain if I still retain some evil tendencies because [[Black and Gray Morality|I'm still better than the others]]. Additionally, a story like this will almost always have a [[Bittersweet Ending]] for the hero, perhaps him making a [[Heroic Sacrifice]] to rid everyone of the cause of the world's suffering. This will prevent a [[Retired Badass]] from coming out of retirement to kick my ass if I accidentally cross a line I shouldn't have on carelessness ([[Anti-Hero]]-types are very difficult to negotiate with).
** If no one dies or, alternatively, [[Death Is Cheap|comes back more times than a cat]], [[Karmic Death]] is commonplace and the world is full of sunshine and [[Sickeningly Sweet|Teletubbies]], I should go somewhere else as an "Evil Overlord" is against all odds. [[Like a Badass Out of Hell|Conquering Hell]] is not an option as the afterlife is usually governed by beings far too powerful for me to beat to ensure a Karmic Hell.
** If possible, though, I will become a [[Knight of Cerebus]], reveal the world to be a [[Crap Saccharine World]], or find some other way of bringing about a [[Genre Shift]] to something that likes [[Evil Overlords]] more.
** Additionally, I shall pay attention if I live a world that seems to subvert/avert or outright deconstruct as many tropes as it can (especially ones that favor the good guys). If the [[Conservation of Ninjutsu]] is among these, I shall make no hesitation in exploiting this. If [[Too Dumb to Live]] is lampshaded often, this will prove extremely handy as the comic relief would probably end up killing themselves and ridding themselves for me, though I should be careful that I myself don't fall in this.
* This goes without saying, but all [[Omnicidal Maniac]] tendencies are right out. The goal is to conquer the world, not destroy it. As such, I will not ally myself nor employ people/entities with long-standing and great hate for all living things and mankind, as they will eventually becoming significant obstacles in ruling if they don't outright betray me. I will rid myself all these people if at all possible and, if necessary, I will ally myself with the resident hero and aid him in ridding of the menace. If I'm called out on my evil tendencies, I will try to convince him that [[Even Evil Has Standards|my goal is simply to conquer while the other guy's is outright mass murder]] (This will most likely work as a conqueror is definitely lower on the scale of evil than an [[Omnicidal Maniac]], provided I haven't crossed too many lines) I will also ''not'' [[You Have Outlived Your Usefulness|try to remove the hero once the job is done]], as they're aid may be needed again in ridding other threats like this and [[Villain
* I will use heroes by informing and directing them to my enemies that are more (overtly) evil than I am. Heroes tend to ignore lesser evils when a much larger one looms over them.
* On top of never gloating, I shall never so much as talk in battle. It's a distraction and any moment I could spend thinking of something to say, I could instead be using to predict my opponent's next move and a respective counter. Cold silence is intimidating as well. Additionally, it prevents me from triggering a [[Shut UP, Hannibal]]/[[World of Cardboard Speech]] that will inevitably result in an [[Eleventh-Hour Superpower]]. A [[Hannibal Lecture]] never works against the hero.
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* I will strive to avoid healing techniques that drain life from one person to heal another. It will only be considered if I have condemned criminals for execution; let their wasted lives be spent to save others.
* I will encourage my soldiers to bring their children to work. The children will learn from common mistakes that are made, and be more likely to work as soldiers. Also, the hero will be less likely to attack my soldiers, in fear that they might hit a child, or leave a child without a father or mother. Also, children could make good back-up soldiers, due to their [[Infant Immortality|surprising resistance to bullets and cuts.]]
* I will make the first Friday of every month "Funny Hat Day". Not only will it raise morale of my Legions of Evil but the hero will think twice about [[Dressing
** I will also grant rewards for the funniest hats. Forcing my minions to humiliate themselves is not good for morale.
* If I receive word that [[The Hero|a hero]] or heroes have appeared, I will immediately begin observing them in all things. Should any form of [[Will They or Won't They?]], [[Belligerent Sexual Tension]], or [[UST]] symptoms be present, I will immediately being plans to vilify the Hero to his (or her) love interest. These tactics will be subtle so that they don't find out and become a couple with the [[Power of Love]].
* I will consider the pros of being a [[Twofer Token Minority|black, gay, Jewish woman]]. Such as being able to paint [[The Hero]] and his companions as [[Stay in
* I will not hire a busty bombshell as my second in command. It may seem nice, but my minions would be pissed that I chose someone based solely on appearance rather than merit.
** However, if I have the option of hiring a busty bombshell who is ''competent'' as my second in command, I will do so. This will encourage loyalty among troops and [[Male Gaze|distract the hero]]. She will ''not'', however, dress like a [[The Baroness|Russian]] [[Torture Technician]], as this allows my enemies visual verification that she is evil. Instead, I will encourage her to [[Dumb Blonde|die her hair blonde]], if it isn't already, and [[Obfuscating Stupidity|act stupid]]. The heroes will [[Dumb Is Good|never]] [[Beauty Equals Goodness|suspect]] that she's really on my side if they encounter her, allowing her to trick them into capture, or just knock them out with a surprise attack.
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* As ''another'' alternative to [[Evil Overlord List|Rule 2]], I will keep the insides of my air vents at lethal temperature extremes. This function will only be disabled when they must be repaired <ref> and I ''will'' check the identity of the repairman</ref>.
* A third alternative to [[Evil Overlord List|Rule 2]], I will, if at all possible, avoid having ventilation ducts in my evil fortress. I will instead make sure that all areas are well ventilated by other means. The only air ducts will be in the prison, and those will be dead ends after two turns and about 20 feet. They will also be trapped to seal anyone inside them, and then fill with a non-lethal paralytic toxin. My guards will immediately inform me by radio of their attempt, and I will enjoy a brief yet hearty chuckle. While they are moved to another cell, they will be kept under heavy guard, and they will be shackled, bound, gagged, and any other means I have of keeping them immobile will be applied.
* I will not wear my badass sunglasses at night, unless I'm working on something brightly lit for my [[Evil Plan|EvilPlans]], I have [[Resident Evil|demonic glowing cat eyes]] that allow me to see in such darkness, [[Artemis Fowl
** I will suspend this rule if it is ever necessary to keep track of the visions in my eyes. If someone is deceiving me, it will definitely cut my security.
* My motives will always appear to be sympathetic. The reason is simple. If [[The Hero]] thinks that I'm just misguided, they'll try to talk me out of whatever I'm doing, instead of constantly trying to kill me.
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*** When using time travel, I WILL make absolutely sure that what I am doing will not cause unforeseen consequences or a [[Time Paradox]]. If I cannot be absolutely sure of that, no matter how tempting it may be, I will NOT use time traveling at all.
* When it comes to people who fall under [[Heel Face Revolving Door]], as long as they get results I'm looking for, they will be safe. When they go to another side, I will deal with them ''if needed.'' (They did give me good results, after all, and they ''will'' switch sides again, assuming I don't send them to assassinate their boyfriend/girlfriend/family or something.) When they switch back (as they probably will), the same cycle will continue.
* My secret password will not be [[Spaceballs
** As a corollary, nobody in my organization will make their password their lover's name. It is too easily broken. Should I hear that such a thing happened, I will suspend them immediately without pay. If [[The Hero]] cracked security because of the password in question, because of it's simplicity, the moron that chose the password will be anywhere from long-term suspension to death based on how badly [[The Hero]] screwed up my plans.
*** As another corollary, nor will I.
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* If the hero has a One-Winged Angel form and attempts to use it on me, during the stage in which he goes "HRAAAAARGH" with a deep red glow i will immediately smash him to the floor with a swift haymaker punch.
** I will wait until either I'm on the ropes or the hero's starting his contractually required [[World of Cardboard Speech]] before activating my own [[One-Winged Angel]] stunt. Then I can just blast the hero at full power while he's transforming.
* [[Grenadier|The ultimate strategy is to eliminate the opponent's will to fight]]. This makes the ultimate weapon [[Fan Service|Seduction]]. This, in turn, makes creating [[Super Soldiers]] no more difficult than recruiting a [[Hooker
** I will, however, make sure to have actual supersoldiers on hand in case I get a [[Chaste Hero]] or he's good enough in bed to turn the hooker. Just to keep all my bases covered.
* If the hero gives you a box that he claims contains an object you really want, make sure the box isn't empty before you let him go.
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** On second thought, scrap ''explode if touched too heavily'' part. My [[Mook|mooks]] are people, people will get excited in heat of battle and they tend to grip thing too hard when excite.
*** What do you mean "my [[Mook|mooks]] won't get excite"? If I deploy [[Mecha Mook]], [[Starfish Alien]] or have ability to remove annoying thing call ''emotion'' from human, surely there will be protection method far better than fingerprint scan.
** While one can always dream, refitting every mook's equipment with such devices probably costs more than what the whole soldier is worth to me. Therefore, I will apply this solution for my personal elite units, AND for a number of random soldiers - about 1 in 20 sounds enough. I will ensure that equipment with recognition hardware is indistinguishable from regular gear. People will learn to be vary about stealing my men's stuff either way. (If this solution is still too expensive, I will simply make mooks with fixed weapons that cannot be separated from them. This will also help to prevent those annoying [[Dressing
* If a certain personality keep suggesting an idea while holding the [[Idiot Ball]], <s>I</s> we will consider removing it from the [[I Am Legion|legion mind]] or at least let it handle non-overlord functions only.
* Even the most "moral" societies have groups they idiotically discriminate against. As such, I shall study my the enemy culture's social hierarchy for peoples disenfranchised and discriminated due to race, creed, religion, gender or sexual orientation (see the corollary regarding Equal Opportunity Employment). I will offer sanctuary to these repressed groups within my empire and collect the super-scientists and magical powerhouses who were discriminated against in their home country. I scoop up a fresh collection of untapped human resources while painting the "good guys" as narrow minded bigots.
** I will first, though, make sure that the author doesn't agree with the society on this point. I don't want to have an army full of gays in a conservative [[Author Tract]], and I sure as hell don't want any all-black divisions in anything by [[
* If I decide to create a massive army of clones, I will not make them clones of Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, or any other sort of superpowered male badass. [[Amazon Brigade|My clone army will instead consist of attractive women.]] They will receive all the training and exercise they need in order to become an effective army in addition to skills to help them develop possible lucrative careers outside of the military after I've taken over. This should make it much harder for the Heroes or the rebels to gun down my soldiers and once the war is over the clone army should be able to successfully raise families and help rebuild and repopulate the Empire. I will not have them genetically engineered for accelerated growth or any number of weird things that could potentially cause resentment to the generations of children born from my clone army. I want their children to enjoy happy childhoods and possibly consider joining the military when they themselves grow up.
* If I hear a Leitmotif I will implement a device to silence it. I do not care how much of a badass they claim they are or by their "Fanbase" Only because it is distracting and will give the heroes morale.
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** Or, I will make my costume so ''fabulous'' that any self-respecting hero has an epileptic fit just by looking, and heroines are incapacitated by jealousy.
* I will not give away my backstory or plans for world domination to the heroes. They can either figure them out on their own or die trying. I have a country/megacorp to run, I have no time to play [[Exposition Fairy]].
* If any of my tech is [[Powered
** Or if it is confirmably powered on Agony, I will employ Masochists and Sadists to run it. After all, there are fetish clubs for this sort of thing, and they can always use the extra employment, as well as it being 'evidence' that I am in fact a non-discriminatory overlord.
*** Fetish clubbies may not be interested in ''that'' level of agony. Probably the safest bet is, if I ''must'' use such a technology or magic, to have it re-engineered so that I can power it, and put my [[The Determinator|Determinator]] cap on. There are very few Heroes who will fault me for inflicting terrible pain on myself, and those that do might not be threatening to my plans at all.
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** If the universe I happen to live in [[Fight Woosh|shunts fights into an alternate timestream that does exactly this]], I will make equipment that allows multiple attacks (or more attacks than usual) per "turn", as well as allowing the first hit in combat, standard issue. Said equipment will melt down when the user's lifesigns terminate. I will also make it illegal for civilians to obtain or sell this item. The [[Arbitrary Headcount Limit|Arbitrary Army Size Barrier]] will be studied exhaustively until I find a way to get around it. This includes the [[Lazy Backup]] Effect.
* If the hero falls over, Minions will shank the SOB. He'd get them if they fell down, so why be so fucking nice?
* [[Mecha
** Once the heroes have worked that out, the external battery pack will have the spikes removed, and be repurposed to be easily removable so it can be used to power defibrilators, fire and rescue equipment, ice cream makers and automatic lollipop dispensers. Power to operate the [[Mecha Mook]] will be supplied by beaming it from a secure location.
** And a solar panel on the head
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* If my evil plan requires sucking life energy from people, harvesting organs, making soylent green, or extracting bodily fluids from corpses, then I will make sure to do the grisly work in a clean environment out of sight of the general population. While it may be useful to occasionally publicly execute my enemies or to have corpses laying around to instill an environment of dread and fear... I should at least be able to keep things neat and tidy when necessary.
* My guards will, at all times, carry a list with names and descriptions of people who are allowed entrance. They will also be informed that allowing in anyone who's not on the list, for any reason, will result in execution. Anyone who refuses to believe that their names aren't on the list, and insists that "there must be some kind of mistake", will be sent to the interrogation chamber.
** Said interrogation chamber will be used to hold suspects while the guards check if it's ''really'' a documentary mistake (like [[Spell My Name
* If I have a choice between getting a new toy just because the overlord down the street got one, and upgrading my organization's equipment, I will get the equipment upgrade. Having a private battleship/space station/KillSat/etc./etc. is all well and good, but when the hero comes knocking, would you rather be shooting [[Guns Are Worthless|JHP ammo from a six-shooter]] or [[One-Hit Kill|explosive bullets]] from a [[BFG|Tacticool?]]
** While I'm at it, I will allow my henchmen/legion of doom troops to submit suggestions for possible upgrades. Being on the field, they'll know what we need, and there's no sense letting the heroes exploit the same weakness over and over again.
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* Only I will have the control to the magnetized chambers of my lair, I can't let anyone of my organization have such a device in their hands on the off chance they join my enemy; and possibly that they will muck around with it to make some damned faux hockey rink out of something I spent a lot of money on.
** Also: All of my minions will have implanted microchips used to repel the magnetization, which will destruct after their death to prevent usage.
* Minions will have their weapons intergrated into their armor, such as helmet-mounted pistols and [[Arm Cannon|Arm Cannons]]. Armor will also be equipped with a toxin injector, the venom of which will be tailored not to hurt that minion (or their identical twin). Therefore, if a hero attempts to pull the old "[[Dressing
** Alternatively, minions will wear suits with individually unique built-in computer system that is required to open locks, operate their weapons, etc. Each minion will have a unique microchip put either under their skin or under a flesh-colored patch, the absence of which will lock down the suit, trigger an alarm, and issuing a paralyzing electric shock if used on a lock, weapon, etc.
** If possible, I will also look into instead making a performance booster/healing serum for the suits that is toxic/caustic/acid/venom/poison/against the hero's personal code to use. If it one of the deadly options I will have all mooks either implanted/bio-engineered for resistance or develop and immunity. This way resources in the suit are still helpful, but also serve as a method from keeping it from being worn.
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** Corollary: I will never believe my own propaganda. It's one thing for my army to think they can beat [[Eagle Land]], but I must never imagine that I can if I can't.
* If I ever go a-conquering—you know, just me and the guys, as a [[But for Me It Was Tuesday|mid-Sunday hunting trip]]—I will make sure to put someone competent, but not too ambitious on the throne in my abscence. I will make it clear that I'm coming home, and the kingdom is on loan, not a gift. And if he fucks it up, I'll fuck ''him'' up.
** Also, if I find an abandoned baby, I will make sure to adopt him/her before it ends up getting [[Raised
* If I am dying and want to continue my plot by [[Brain Uploading]], the supercomputer better have access to the internet or another area so I will not be bored in my confinement to a machine and I can create a copy or escape elsewhere.
* If there are any hostages important to the hero I will execute them immediately instead of stowing them somewhere they could be found, If confronted by the hero. I will lie and say that they are alive somewhere dangerous, luring the sod into a deathtrap or ambush. On the off chance that [[Berserk Button|rage empowers or motivates the hero and he escapes to confront me]], I will be well prepared with an escape route which will be destroyed upon my escape.
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*** [[Cybernetics Eat Your Soul|I will not make them part machine]], even though it may seem easier to clean up after them, and are more durable than most, it is lengthy and expensive, and their machinery could be fried if the hero uses some type of electrical weaponry which would cause them to go amok or just short them out in general.
*** However, if that "I created you so you can't touch me" thing is going on, I will use them.
* I will make sure to find the fine line between [[Awesome but Impractical]] and [[Awesome but Practical]], and never cross it. A [[Base
* I will not use a door-lock system that de-activates when the hero kills everyone in the room. Instead, when s/he kills the last person, the room will collapse.
* I will make all my minions pass psych eval and IQ tests. Idiot minions generally forget orders, and respond to such orders as "Kill her" or "Strap him down" with "But datz mean, boss..." Insane minions will only be allowed if they're of the [[Cloudcuckoolander|amusingly mad]] type, and [[What Does This Button Do?|kept the fick away from anyone or anything important.]]
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* I call them "mooks", but really, they will all be highly-trained badasses.
* Access to any area of the base that could be remotely important will require a full palm scan, retinal scan, key card, voice recognition, and a password of at least 9 random digits. The scanners will be programmed to tell if someone is dead, in case the hero tries to carry somebody's dead body to the scanner.
* In the event that I am ever [[Sealed Evil in
* I will make sure that any mercenaries or bounty hunters I hire do not have [[Bunny Ears Lawyer|any odd quirks to get in the way of their objectives]]. Noting is more dissapointing than learning that they didn't do their job because there was a [[Beet The Vandal Buster|wounded animal nearby and he "had to nurse the poor thing back to health"]].
* Upon further consideration, I WILL offer a bounty to any henchman who captures the Hero. The bounty will be offered to all who assist in this capture. I will, however, pay in goods other than cold hard cash, to prevent inflation.
* If I offer to pay someone, I will keep the vow, and NOT kill them once they are no longer useful. It worked for [[X-Wing Series|Warlord Zsinj.]]
* If my R&D team invents a bomb that can't be defused, I will get them to develop an ICBM that can't be retargeted.
* My fortress will not have bad muzak (like there's such a thing as ''good'' muzak). I will also make sure to get suggestions for the background music, and not have it all pop or [[Three Chords and
* I will keep all new weapons top secret until I develop armor that protects against it.
* If I know where the [[Sword of Plot Advancement]] and [[Forged
** If, by any chances, they are stored underground / in deep caves / some elaborate structures (which seems to be a lot), I'll just collapse the whole place and bury all those artifacts, dump a whole lot of concrete over the area, and set some people to watch over the area in case of heroes coming in to investigate the area.
*** Also, if possible and won't end up in a large disaster, such as the monsters in area dig up the cement, even if nobody blames me for it or it won't lower my public PR, I will use my resources to build a prosperous city on top of the cement filled area after I make sure there are no barracks that have accidentally formed somehow. On top of the most likely area that the item will be and dug down to, I will build a very good hospital that takes care of all diseases or issues, magical or biological, and have it that the basement will be needed for the proper running of the hospital. This way, the hero cannot/will not/doesn't think of digging down in that area to get the item. This hospital, payed for by me and my technology/magic, will not only be good for my PR, but a person will indeed get it into his head to dig down into basement and I will have guards in the hospital. If it's the hero then they will have to waste time trying to explain to everybody why in hell they were doing something that could possibly take down a very effective hospital that is, in fact, run by the very person they are getting the weapon to take that person down.
* If I am accountable to a superior, and [[You Have Failed Me|I have failed him]], I will not blame my failure on my minions or colleages, nor will I ask for a paycheck or a raise. This [[Tempting Fate|often leads]] to [[You Have Failed Me|you being executed]], as a common trait of [[The Starscream|Starscreams]] is that they care more about themselves than their employer. I will instead take full responsibility for my failure.
* [[Kill All Humans|Destroy humanity]]. They're [[Humans Are Bastards|just not]] [[Puny Earthlings|worth the]] [[Put Them All Out of My Misery|effort of enslaving]], [[Where I Was Born and Razed|really]].
** But make sure to [[Genocide Backfire|absolutely destroy them, or else]] [[Titan
*** It [[Shaped Like Itself|pretty much answers itself.]]
* If [[Ignored Expert|one lone scientist]] warns me that my latest plan will unleash horrifying forces upon me, I will put him on my top advisory committee instead of trying to discredit him.
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* Unless I am SURE that this universe has a [[Lost Aesop]], I will refrain from [[Not So Different|pointing out any contradictions]], [[What Is Evil?|grey areas]], [[Hannibal Lecture|or other weaknesses in the hero's moral code]]. [[The War On Straw|Odds are that the author put more thought into rebutting my complaints than the complaints themselves.]]
* If I'm aware that my death will triggers whatever nonsensible force to [[Collapsing Lair|collapse]] my [[Supervillain Lair]], I will make sure this also applies with all [[The Empire]] public structures such as aqueduct and mine shaft (just like my lair, I built most of them anyway). And I will remind the heroes that killing me mean years of drought and mineral shortage to millions people.
** That, or triggers a [[Doomsday Device]] which will detonate immediately after my [[Video Will]] / [[Nice Job Breaking It, Hero]] gloat ends, and my death means [[The End of the World
* Rather than booby traps that kill outright, I will have booby traps that do character assassination as well. For example; a bookshelf full of [[Distracted
** I will have a large ammount of said poison waft into the air when the shelf opens, just in case wonderboy happens to be one of those bloody [[Chaste Hero|chaste heroes]]. I will aslso have a vaccum chamber just after the poison porn, just in case he packs a gasmask. I can simply plant a naughty book on him afteward.
** I will make sure never to read the stuff myself where others can see me. If I need "adult" entertainment, it will be stored in a secure place, with an anti-eavesdropping EMP curtain and vault doors coded to my fingerprints, eyescan, voiceprint, DNA, and psychic information, and with at least one combination lock and two key-type locks.
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* I will have minions search out every weapon merchant in the land and either employ him or buy out all his stocks. With any luck the heroes will have no acess to equipment above the starters.
** This also applies to [[Anti-Villain|Anti Villains]] who are playing my security for fools. If this fellow can out-smart / out-plan my Inner Circle and I, We can probably put him to good use. [[Mouse|Especially if he's stealing out of my trophy case]].
* I will refrain from using the [[Stock Phrase|standard supervillain insults]]. "Imbecile" and "[[You Fool!]]", A) Lower minion self-esteem, and B) while they get the point across, are cliche'.
** I will never directly insult the Minion's culture or race. The individual is weak, the whole is insurmountable.
* If I am the Villain in a [[Porn
** I will also never expect someone to sleep with me, or so much as [[Lap Pillow|rest their head in my lap]], to prove their loyalty.
** If I have a creepy fetish, such as [[Bondage Is Bad|black leather and chains,]] [[Catholic School Girls Rule|schoolgirl uniforms]], or [[Furry Fandom|animal costumes]] (or even worse, [[Turned Up to Eleven|all three at once]]), I will get my personal psychologist to invert my kink into a "don't go there" to take advantage of [[Good People Have Good Sex]]. Exceptions for [[Conveniently-Common Kink]] or actually being a humanoid animal.
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* I will train regularly with my (most loyal) troops (using blunted weapons) and will ''not'' expect them to always lose to me. Instead, I will concentrate on genuinely improving my own abilities, until I am able to use [[The Dragon]] as my sparring partner on a regular basis. Not only will this improve our working relationship, but it will mean that in the event that he dies or [[Heel Face Turn|Heel Face Turns]], I am capable of holding my own against him and/or his killer. On a similar note, I will suggest to [[The Dragon]] that he teach an apprentice, or at the very least, train [[The Brute]] and any [[Psycho for Hire|Psychos For Hire]] we may contract. This will help to increase group cohesion, and will also ensure that in the event that any one of the above [[Heel Face Turn]], I will have ''at least'' one individual on staff capable of killing, or at least seriously injuring them.
* I will make myself look as human as possible, looking demonic/[[Light Is Not Good|Angelic]], or like any sort of [[Beast Man]] will, while it makes me look intimidating, will, ultimately, [[What Measure Is a Non-Human?|make it easier for the heroes to kill me when/if the time comes.]]
* I will make sure that [[The Dragon]] is ''not'' my only capable servant. [[The Brute]] will be a [[Genius Bruiser]] ''and'' a remorselessly loyal sociopath; if arrangeable he will also be good friends (or at least ''friendly'' rivals) with [[The Dragon]], so that I can send them ''both'' after the heroes at once. If he is the leader of the [[Mooks]] he will also either forgo some of his cruelty in order to be a [[A Father to His Men]], or (if totally evil) will at least be a competent strategist and leader, who the men can trust, and follow bravely; while the lowest ranking member of my inner circle, he will be kept up to date on plans so that he does not [[Spanner in
* I will plan according to my budget. If I do not have the money to design and mass produce the kind of technology required for many of the above precautions or if I don't have the good managers required to supervise my minions and make sure they actually follow protocol at all times, I will try to find a less expensive option and fix what I can.
* [[Valkyria Chronicles|I will not, under any, ANY ciricumstances, squander a superpowerful female soldier, loyal to me due to love and capable of one-shotting tanks by looking at them funny, by having her destroy herself in an effort to kill the entirety of my enemy's military.]] ''Especially'' if the enemy has one more or less just like her. I shall find a way to keep her in the field. Superpowerful women - loyal ones particularly - are extremely hard to come by. I'll make sure to... reward her as I (and, quite importantly, she) sees fit. This takes care of both my powerful superweapon ''and'' lovelife departments.
* Any idea which crosses my mind which seems to only be there because I think it would be cool, regardless of practicality or good sense will be ignored. Yes, developing bands of minions to act to [[Five-Man Band|popular character types]] would be pretty neat, but I wouldn't want to be distracted from my overall plans by the little things.
** That's what lieutenants exist for. If the Overlord finds out there's no underlings [[Surrounded
* If a minion or civilian suggests something that is halfway decent, I will give him the credit for a good idea, rather than [[Glad I Thought of It|just stealing it]]. That way, if it fails, [[Blame Game|I can finger-point.]]
* I will offer top-notch dental and medical benifits, as well as a GI's Grant. [[Signed Up for
** As a corollary to all the benefits I will offer, I will make sure that everyone knows about these benefits. That way when I tell [[The Hero]] that [[We Can Rule Together]], he can't say something clever like "[[No Hero to His Valet|Yeah right, I know the way you treat your minions.]]"
* I will invest in [[BFG|man portable]] [[Gatling Good|miniguns]], and make them standard issue. That way, I've got [[More Dakka]] and [[Everything's Better
* If, for whatever reason, I need to talk with the hero while holding him at gunpoint, I will not use 500 Mooks pointing pistols at him. This not only consumes space, but makes it more likely that the bullets will hit other mooks or myself, as per [[Conservation of Ninjutsu]]. I will not use a single highly trained marksman, as the hero will most likely be able to dodge bullets. Instead, I will use three highly trained marksmen. One to shoot at him from the front where he expects it, one to shoot him after he dodges the first bullet, and one with a machine gun to completely obliterate the corpse.
* If I know of a possible hero beginning his quest, I will make sure to fill his group of [[True Companions]] with my minions. The [[Non-Human Sidekick]] will be the [[Sleep Mode Size]] of one of my hulking guard-beasts. [[The Obi-Wan]] will follow my [[Religion of Evil]], and will surreptitiously leave details out, like the fact that the Seven Prismic Jewels, when put in the altar, will give me ultimate power instead of summoning my weakness. Not only will the [[Ms. Fanservice|scantily-clad]] [[Action Girl]] be a [[Horny Devil]] in my employ, the [[White Mage]] will be one, too. [[Betty and Veronica]] as [[Morton's Fork]], plus a subversion of [[Sensible Heroes, Skimpy Villains]]. I'll even have the travelling shopkeeper giving the hero weapons that will self-destruct on my command. None of these will be implemented until the hero had defeated my weakest form, and I pretend to die instead of going [[One-Winged Angel]]. They will also all have anti-[[Heel Face Turn]] measures taken. In the event that the hero is able to fight off the entire rest of his [[Five-Man Band]], plus all his quirky allies, they will all be "revealed to be evil copies," and the hero will "free the real ones." These will all be clones with the exact same powers and programming as the originals, but that will be a little sneakier this time.
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** My donors will be [[Happiness in Slavery|treated very well]], and compensated for their service. They will most certainly not be treated [[Blade|like cattle]]. The more I put into making them loyal, the more power I have. They will not only ''not'' help any misguided heroes slay me and end the good thing we've got going, they might recruit friends.
** Summation: Inferior species or not, my particular food source has thoughts and feelings. I'd do well to remember that.
** I will consider the benefits and the disadvantages of [[Twilight (
* I will never wait with renewing whatever it is that sustains my life, but will do it as early and as often as possible. If my unlife requires that I sacrifice a virgin every full moon then there will be a harem of virgins kept well fed and treated but always prepared in different locations. Holding off the search until the last minute will just make me do something really stupid, like go after the hero's girlfriend merely out of desperation.
* If my pet [[Mad Scientist]] manages to cook up a group of [[Frankenstein's Monster|Frankensteins Monsters]] or non-human-based [[Super Soldier|Super Soldiers]] that happens to have full sentience, with all the emotions and capacity for grudge-holding that entails, I will make sure to post a non-discrimination clause in the next set of Edicts. It would be disastrous if they turned on [[The Empire]] (or worse yet, sided with [[The Hero]]) because I let them be treated as sub-human.
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* Before I turn myself to the Dark Side I will at least confirm that it does in fact have the overhelming power that it promises. If it turns out that with greater power comes a price that will leave me at a huge disadvantage, or that it it can not actually defeat Light at its purest, or that possessing it carries with it a croppling vulnerabity towards all things Good, then I will choose instead some other means to make my Reign of Evil a reality.
* Facing [[The Hero]] is of course preferable to avoid, but if am driven to do so, and if I/My [[Humongous Mecha]]/whatever I use to fight [[The Hero]] happens to be [[Made of Indestructium|almost invulnerable]], but possesses a [[Attack Its Weak Point|weakness]] [[Tactical Suicide Boss|only revealed when a particular attack is used]], it goes without saying this attack shall NOT be used (unless he somehow manages to attack through the armor anyways), even if I have to punch the sucker to death. This sounds pretty obvious, but you wouldn't believe how many [[Nigh Invulnerable]] [[Evil Overlord|Evil Overlords]] lose their lives because they decided to put their precious time before their safety and blast the hero down with their special attack, leaving themselves [[For Massive Damage|wide open]].
** It also goes without saying that I shall not stand inside a [[Boss Arena Idiocy|room full of deadly traps that can kill me]]. Even if I think they will kill the hero. I just WON'T. They WILL be turned against me instead, heroes know how to do that. There's cautious, and then there's [[What an Idiot!|bloody retarded.]] Mooks in my room (ones able to aim, obviously) is OK, in fact it's GOOD. [[Super Mario Bros.|Standing on a bridge over lava with a button/axe to fling the whole thing down into the lava right behind me is NOT]].
*** If for any reason I actually do want to create such a room, I will start a rumor that it is my real hideout and have a copy/hologram/illusion of me standing on the bridge, so that when the hero goes ahead and steps on it, the whole thing collapses with him and falls into the lava, while I watch this through a security camera/crystal ball from a safe distance. And by safe, I mean a few dozen kilometers.
* I will always remember the motto: "[[There Is No Kill Like Overkill|Overkill is good]], overconfidence is not." If I kill a hero, I will not relax until I detonate his body to pieces, incinerate the bieces, fling the ashes into outer space (or better, into another dimension), and exorcise the site.
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* Just in case a hero has someone to take the bullet for them, I will always have an extra bullet more than I need to execute heroes. Furthermore, I will capitalize on the time it takes the hero to hear the rescuers last words to line up my next shot and kill him.
* [[Vast Bureaucracy|Everyone will be accountable for their movements, and everyone must be accounted for at all times]]. Besides my closest advisors, everyone's whereabouts must be kept tracked. Therefore, I will use a hidden finger scanner on all doors and before all traps, to allow for easy access for me and my close advisors, so safe escape is possible. I will also implement a non-hidden two key card system for anyone else. Any guards that have to pass through a trapped area must clock in before their shifts before being allowed clearance to go anywhere. They will be given a key card with a certain number of allowances. Each allowance, when swiped through the scanner, disables one trap or opens one door one time. Each guard will be given exactly how many allowances they need for any particular shift. Guards will travel in groups, each guard in a group will get a portion of the total amount their group needs, so if at any point a guard is killed and their key stolen, they will not get far. Allowances are specific to one area and must stay within that area. The second card will be the safety card. Each guard will be required to frequently and regularily swipe their safety card at a specified time and at specified intervals, the schedule of which is to be kept a personal secret, different for each guard. Should these intervals not be punched, or punched at the wrong time, an alarm will immediately be triggered. If a guard does not punch in or out for the day, an alarm will be triggered. If a person is out of allowances and tries to use more, an alarm will be triggered. If allowances are used in the wrong area, an alarm will be triggered. With all of these steps in place, it is literally impossible to kill a guard and eventually not trigger an alarm.
* Local bands will be screened for [[Grail in
* If the history of my world follows a [[Eternal Recurrence|series of cycles]], especially those of a metaphysical nature, I'll establish a special team of experts to find a way to break the cycle without losing my empire. If they insist that the end of my rule is inevitable, I'll search for a way to A) fake my death, B) establish a cult promising my messianic return, and C) preserve my body until the world is once again ready for me to take over.
* I will order all copies of this document, and all subsequent derivatives, to be destroyed with the exception of a master copy which will remain in my safe deposit box for reference.
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** Excuse me, I shall clarify. I shall do no evil laughing in a situation where some [[Woman Scorned|pissed off heroine]] whose leaning on the fence on whether I need to be shot [[Heroic Resolve|gets the resolve to do the deed]] while I'm [[Kick the Dog|laughing in her face.]] An [[Evil Laugh]] is perfectly fine as long as I have (A) suckered her into believing me and I'm later by myself or (B) after I shot her and I'm positive that she's dead. Then, I'll laugh all I want.
* [[Evil Overlord List|Rule 4]] will be not only my personal guideline, but also an official policy for my troops and guardians. There will also be a policy to always employ [[Double Tap]].
** [[Fallout: New Vegas|Or, since even that might not be enough, I might as well empty an entire clip into my enemy, just to be safe.]]
* Rather than use the evil fortress approach, I will base my activities out of a reasonably-sized office suite that hosts a variety of offices for more legitimate businesses. The heroes will be unable to attack my fortress that way without being guilty of slaughtering every other innocent person that works there.
* I will not employ large, slavering, black three-headed dogs who can be won over with honey to guard my [[Doomsday Device|Ultimate Weapon]]. Rather, I will employ small, fluffy squirrels, who just so happen to eat meat and travel in carnivorous packs, and will massacre the hero before he realizes his folly.
* I will never, ever tell any of my minions or henchmen "I don't pay you to think." Yes, it's true that people who think too much might be a threat to my authority, but if I wanted a mindless robot, I'd make or hire a mindless robot.
* If my incredible power was gained at the discretion of another being, [[Aladdin (Disney film)|say a genie,]] and I have some number of wishes left, when the hero tells me that something (the genie/the nix/whatever I am currently forcing to do my bidding) is more powerful than I am, instead of flying into a jealous rage and wishing to become a more powerful version of that being without any regards for the consequences I will thank the hero for his concern, proceed with killing him, and then carefully weigh the pros and cons of becoming said being.
* [[Care Bears|If I encounter a life-form able to naturally weaponize the greatest weakness of both myself and my minions]], I will ascertain if they intend to kill me or simply drive me off. If the former, I will have one captured and have my pet [[Mad Scientist|Mad Scientists]] tailor a plague to them. If the latter, so much the better, as I now have a way to build up an immunity, just pick on them every few days. However, if they act to impede me to a significant degree, and my sibling keeps dumping his/her incredibly loud and bitchy problem child on me, I will assume he/she's using me to permanently dispose of the kid and use it in a virgin-child sacrifice to call forth an entity (or entities) able to dispose of the first group of life-forms. If my sibling keeps his/her brat home, I will use [[You Have Failed Me|my most incompetent minion]].
* If there is a hero that has repeatedly foiled my plans in the past, and I have the resources for it, I will consider building a fake stronghold, whether this be an underground lair, floating fortress or orbital space station. I will make it seem as if this fake stronghold is actually the base of my operations, and put a few token guards outside for appearances sake. When the hero attacks the [[The Very Definitely Final Dungeon|"stronghold"]] in expectation of a [[Final Boss|climactic showdown]] with [[Big Bad|me]], they will instead find the place utterly deserted - save for the ton of explosives set to go off the moment they step inside.
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* I will not have long hair, because it is so very difficult to maintain properly, and because it gets in the way in the same mannerisms as capes. Should I persist in the long hair, I must secure it properly, so that it may not snag or be grabbed by the hero.
* I will ensure that birthdays are celebrated adequately, and that there is at least one fun thing every week (eg, Funny Hat Fridays, Sunday Charades, etc). This will improve morale and keep everyone happy and amused. There will always be prizes for anything that could be humiliating. Also, if the hero walks in on a group of people playing charades where someone is impersonating a goose, he will think twice about it being his nemesis's fortress.
* I will not create my hideout to look as such, tempting as a large black fortress on a hill with its own weather would be. It will look very normal outside and mostly in, except it will be quite large ([[Bigger
* If a person carrying an oddly-coloured sword walks into my kingdom, I will take a vacation elsewhere until that sword is out of my kingdom and not make any friendly or unfriendly overtures to the wielder. If the sword is black, I will move to another dimension and never return.
** If that person is albino and a [[Defector From Decadence]], I'll kill myself and save him the trouble. And count myself lucky to have got away so lucky.
* I will be aware that many of the suggestions on this list are a way of digging my own grave, such as the giant robot that is totally invulnerable (the hero will find some way to turn it on me at some point, taking control of it and leaving me with no way to fight back), and by the same means if there is a weak point the hero will find it. Therefore, I will never invest too much in one thing, and instead diversify, to keep him guessing.
* Furthermore, I shall note that as nice as it would be to have a perfect plan with no possible way of going wrong, I will keep in mind that nothing kills my credibility like a case of [[Orcus
* If ever at the mercy of the Hero, I will play up any and all unpleasant childhood experiences I had, whether that involves [[Rape
** I will not, however, taunt the Hero as I escape by explaining to him just how little my childhood had to do with my evil choices; I may need to exploit this again in the future.
* Above and beyond the warning about ventilation ducts, I will not include any structure, area, or design in any of my installations that serves no obvious architectural or aesthetic purpose besides allowing the heroes an alternate path -- no catwalks that go nowhere but provide footholds, no entirely pointless machinery to climb, no convenient handholds that serve no obvious purpose besides being convenient handholds.
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* A valid alternative to the prior rule on prison keys is to place the Hero in a dungeon filled with loyal mooks disguised as horribly tortured and scarred prisoners. If we are operating on a tight budget, I will simply find very ugly townspeople (Preferably deaf too, Heroes always have a way of getting people to convert over...) who think the hero is a [[Complete Monster]] and give them a Savings Bond to be cashed in when I take over the world if they stay in a jail cell for a few hours. I will also be leaving the heroes' key and their keys within view of the hero. Odds are the Goody-Goody is going to try to free all of those poor souls, only to get shanked in the back the second he turns around. This WILL NOT work if we are dealing with a [[Blood Knight]], [[Anti-Hero]], or a Jerkass
* If I realize I exist in a video game (particularly a JRPG). I will not:
** [[Final Fantasy I
** [[Final Fantasy II (Video Game)|make a deal with the powers of hell. (It's HELL.)]]
** [[Final Fantasy III
** [[Final Fantasy IV
** [[Final Fantasy VI
** [[Final Fantasy VII
** [[Final Fantasy VIII
** [[Final Fantasy IX
** [[Final Fantasy X
** [[Final Fantasy XI
** [[Final Fantasy XII
** [[Final Fantasy XIII
** ALL of this has been done in the past, and none of them ended well for the Evil Overlords running the show thanks to a combination of [[Save Scumming]], [[Designated Heroes]], [[The Power of Friendship]]/[[The Power of Love|Love]], et cetera. At best, they should be referenced has lessons on what NOT to do. If Necromancy exists in my Universe, it might be prudent to have a word with these individuals, they may have failed, but they still might have some useful pointers as more experienced Overlords...Except the Clown...(The information will be taken with a grain of salt, after all, they are DEAD).
* Even if all my advisors agree that [[No One Could Survive That|no-one could survive the blow]] I have just dealt to the hero, I will still chop his head off for good measure.
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* If I catch a case of the [[Idiot Ball]] and accept the hero's love interests' offer to become my consort, I shall never stop being suspicious of her, no matter how much time passes. Should she ever ask me the location of my [[Soul Jar]], source of power, or one weakness, I will lie. She should not be able to find out that I have pointed her to a fake easily, lest I lose her loyalty if she is loyal. However, if she attempts to destroy or steal the fake [[Soul Jar]] or source of power, it will instantly detonate, taking her down with it.
* If one of my Lieutenants turn out to be a Starscream, I will kill him, cut off his head, impale his head on a stake, and nail a sign on said stake that reads: "I do not tolerate [[Chronic Backstabbing Disorder|double-crossing-back-stabbers]]", for such people tend to be more trouble then they're worth.
* I will Never Ever try to take over the world by using a '''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!:
* If I ever start a [[Monster Protection Racket]], the [[Super Soldier|Super Soldiers]] assigned to it will be mentally conditioned to react to [[Trigger Phrase|certain words]] so they never cross me. These phrases will be taught to [[The Handler|their handlers]], who will be trained to only use them in the most direst of circumstances, in absolute private if at all possible. [[Claymore|They will also be extensively studied if they are prone to horrible mutations from over-using their superpowers.]]
* The public will be made fully aware of any genetic engineering attempts, and assured that all subjects are clones of volunteers who are able to successfully be experimented upon, and are not tortured in any way. If this is a lie, any civilian that attempts to enter a testing facility will be escorted out under the lie that the facility workers need absolutely unchanging work environments, or, if unable to be removed, executed. If not a lie, tours through facilities will be permitted following thorough background checks. Said tours are to be reserved no less than one week in advance, so as to improve security of facility, and plan out route to avoid crucial locations within the facility that could be applied to an attack plan.
* I will never write an autobiography based entirely in truth.
* If I use [[Gas Mask Mooks]], I'll spring for air-supply type masks, rather than filter-cartrige. I mean, as long as we're giving our minions the best equipment we can...
* [[Chrono Trigger
* If I don't by default, [[Evil Cannot Comprehend Good|I will treat understanding love, kindness and altruism as mission-critical]]. If I just can't get it, I will know to quit while I'm ahead.
* I will resist building any [[Humongous Mecha]], even if the [[Applied Phlebotinum]] required to make them work under the laws of physics is cheap. Chances are it can be used on my smaller, relatively [[Boring but Practical]] weapons such as tanks, missiles, jet aircraft and helicopter gunships just as well, rendering them once again vastly superior.
* If my primary enemies are a bunch of [[Mahou Shoujo|female minors with powers based on love, purity and such]] I will keep in mind that they are specialized in dealing with demons, warlocks, general wickedness and [[Eldritch Abomination|any assorted horrors beyond normal human comprehension]] but may be completely vulnerable to a bullet (or a missile) in the face. There is no need to meet them on their own terms, though making it appear that way by sending a demonic decoy with my hit squad is certainly an option. I'll also keep in mind that if my enemies are of this descriptions, I am in fact vulnerable to their powers for some reason, and any way of removing this vulnerability will be seriously considered, no matter my [[Evil Overlord]] status.
** As an added note, if said female minors turn out to be [[Magical Girl Warrior|absurdly powerful]] and said love-based powers include [[Wave Motion Gun|giant energy beams capable of vaporizing multiple city blocks at once,]] I will ensure that all of my operations from now on are covert, especially if they take the [[Defeat Means Friendship|Nanoha method of befriending people.]] Chances are, if they make friends by beating the hell out of people, what they'd do to a bad guy is NOT pretty to think about.
*** To add on to the "vaporizing multiple city blocks at once" thing, it might be interesting to [[Hero
*** That said, if I am to vaporize multiple city blocks at once, I'll make sure to do it with faction-neutral (or even better, captured enemy) equipment to make it easier to pass off as being the enemy, [[Command and Conquer Tiberium|instead of burning down city blocks with weapons that are clearly of my faction's manufacture and then trying to pass it off as the opposing faction's.]]
* I will create a centralized licensing and registration system for all blacksmiths/gunsmiths/whoever makes weapons or stuff that can be used as weapons. I will make it illegal for ordinary smithies to sell swords, polearms, pikes, maces, crossbows, guns, and other such weapons. All arms sales will be registered and tracked. They must be done through weapons makers I personally approve of and have licensed and registere. They must pass loyalty and psychiatric tests.
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** In general, tacticool implies that something is very superfluous and is unneeded. Therefore, when I and my people are reviewing potential new weapons and models for my army, every single part will have to be labeled and given a purpose. If the part is impractical or extravagant, then it comes off, no questions asked.
*** Alternatively, I can issue a few [[Awesome but Impractical]] guns to lure the hero to get one and wield it, and subsequently prove no match for the more practical weapons of my minions. However guns that simply explode when fired are and will always be a more effective method.
* Above all, I must come across as a [[Necessary Evil]], or I must be a [[Villain
* I will consider the pros and cons of sending a loved one into the field where dying is a possibility.
** The cons: [[Villainous BSOD]], either from depression or by going into a blind rage at an innoportune time, a single burst of anger can make every precaution on this list moot.
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* If I beat the heroes to any sort of [[McGuffin]] that doesn't involve my own plans, I'll destroy the thing on the spot, not throw it into my dungeon in an easily accessed spot, the only exception will be if destroying the artifact will remove my powers.
* I should note the heroes rarely if ever disrupt my plans [[You Can't Thwart Stage One|as soon as they're getting off the ground.]] If I delay my plans I can take my sweet time fortifying my fortess, training my legions of evil, [[Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking|and kicking as many kittens as I want.]]
** Which reminds me of the opposite extreme, if the heroes are [[Take Your Time|wandering aimlessly]] or [[Sidetracked
* If [[The Power of Love]] is an actual, meta-physical phenomenon in my universe, I will have my mooks [[Unholy Matrimony|paired off]] and sent out as [[Battle Couple|Battle Couples]].
* Before I start conquering the world, I shall watch ''[[The Simpsons]]'' episode "You Only Move Twice". Hank Scorpio may seem like a stereotypical Bond villain, but he knows how to treat his <s>minions</s> employees and so should I.
Line 766:
* If I have a monster or spell that can [[Taken for Granite|turn my enemies into stone]], I will not put all of [[Wax Museum Morgue|my statues on display]] [[The Chronicles of Narnia|in my lair where the heroes can bring them back to normal.]] I will either [[Literally Shattered Lives|destroy the statues so my victims are]] [[Deader Than Dead]], or sell them to art connoisseurs across the globe so I can make a profit out of my enemies' demise.
** If I sell them though, I'll cut the heads off, just in case the museum owner gets curious about if they're real under there or not.
** Failing that, I will hide the statue somewhere no one would ever think to look for it, or even learn it exists. The last thing I need is my [[Eviler Than Thou]] predecessor being released by some asstarded coincidence like [[My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
** I will never admit to subjecting people to this fate if the victim remains conscious. [[And I Must Scream]] is rather high on the list of [[Moral Event Horizon]] violations.
* Although I will make [[Staying Alive|backup plans]] [[Back From the Dead|for my possible death]], this will '''not''' [[My Death Is Just the Beginning|design this part of the plan]] [[Thanatos Gambit|to be a core element.]]
* My retirement plan for myself is going to have enough challenges to keep my genius occupied. Too many accomplished villains grow bored with enjoying their victory and go back to fighting battles they have already won (thus setting themselves up for defeat at the hands of a hero) purely out of nostalgia.
* I will make sure that I have one person one my evil council whose job it is to argue against anything suggested. He will not be punished for disagreeing with me.
* I shall remember, if I'm forced to use mind control to make my plans succeed, I will ensure only I can remove it of my own free will, I will ensure killing me will cause all the affected to die horribly, and I will make sure that only a certain state of mind, unaltered by any outside influence will enable the removsl of the mind control. I will also make sure, when the hero attempts [[Talking the Monster
* I will remember to be at least nice. That way, if an Archangel or some other similar bring tears through my minions, blows a hole in the wall, and hold his sword to my throat, I will have a valid reason for him/her nit to kill me.
* If the hero tries to sway me to the side of good, rather than outright rejecting him or lying and telling him that I will henceforth be good, I will tell him something to the effect of "Your ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter." From here, this can go a few ways: either the hero will feel extremely awkward at the thought that he has no newsletter, distracting him long enough for me to do him in; he will present me with the newsletter and leave me be in order to read it; or he will feel awkward but not be distracted and go to make a newsletter for me to subscribe to. Either way, he's out of my hair for the time being.
Line 785:
* If my plan is to conquer the world, I will ensure I have read Sun Tzu's the art of War before my military campaign.
* If I have a [[One-Winged Angel]] form, I will ensure that the process of transformation lasts a fraction of a second to ensure that I am not attacked while doing so. If I have more than one, I will immediately use the most powerful form and kill everyone before something bad invariably happens.
* After [[
* If I manage to capture and mind control/brainwash one of the heroes, I will not send them back to their companions with instructions to lead them into a trap, or backstab them. Double-or-nothing is an elementary gambling mistake. Instead, I will seize the opportunity to do some permanent damage by ordering my new slave to turn around, then executing them.
* I will never casually assume the heroes won't employ some of their more morally questionable options because they're too good for it. If all goes according to plan, there's a good chance they'll treat [[The Bad Guy Wins|my decisive victory]] as a [[Godzilla Threshold]].
Line 794:
** Internet access is a highly effective means of keeping people in a trance. Nevertheless, a young user may eventually find and make excellent use of any website where [[Pop Culture]] is not the main focus. For that reason, I shall install veteran guards in these areas to survey their activities.
** Likewise with basic cable, especially [[Reality Television]]. For that reason, Monday evenings ([[The Bachelor]] and [[Dancing With the Stars]]) will be a key point for any significant activity regarding my realm. On the other hand, any program on which there has been a report of [[Table Flipping]] will be subjected to the equivalent of a drive scrubbing.
* My legions of evil will not be [[Faceless Goons]] [[A Cure for Love
* If I eliminate anyone, I will not forbid speaking of his name. I will simply eradicate him from the public record in every available way, from removing mentions of him from microfiched newspapers to removing his presence from social networks. Ultimately, no one will mourn him, and no one will avenge him, because no one will even remember him.
* If I lay waste to a town, I will make sure that I laid complete waste to it, so that no one survives. And then I will have every surrounding town laid waste to, just to make absolutely sure. I'm a villain, after all... I'm not supposed to be nice.
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