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Ciaphas Cain/Funny (view source)

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** '''Cain''': "Bribery and threats are popular methods for getting what you want, but the Inquisition is better at both and tend to resent other people using them." '''Amberley''': Entirely untrue. [[I Take Offense to That Last One|The Inquisition is most definitely above such petty emotions as resentment]].
** Cain and Jurgen are saved from genestealers by a mysterious figure in golden [[Power Armor]], and Cain admits he was stupefied to discover it was Amberley.
{{quote| '''Cain:''' With all due modesty, I have to say I recovered remarkably fast under the circumstances. <br />
'''Amberley:''' So he says. I recall a distinct resemblance to a stuffed fish for quite some time. }}
** Not to mention, the footnotes are chilly enough to sprout icicles whenever Amberley comments on Cain's [[Really Gets Around|experience with women]].
* 'Then the prophet spake: saying "Frak this, for my faith is a shield proof against your blandishments".' Just the fact that a splinter cult worships Cain as the living embodiment of the God-Emperor's will at all...
* Even in the grim darkness of the far future, people stepping on rakes is good for a laugh.
{{quote| ''Medicae records for the district show no fatalities among the anchorites, although several were subsequently treated for minor injuries apparently related to treading on hastily-discarded gardening tools.''}}
* [[Drives Like Crazy|Anytime Jurgen gets behind the wheel]]. ''Duty Calls'' has some of the best moments, such as when Jurgen and Cain are idling outside of a landing shuttle, and Jurgen is ordered to "get aboard as fast as you can" and proceeds to drive the Salamander ''up the shuttle's ramp at full speed.'' Keep in mind, the Salamander is a ''forty ton tracked scout tank.''
** In ''The Traitor's Hand'', Jurgen and Cain are running late and stuck in traffic, so Jurgen whips the Salamander around, drives it up a line of nearby stairs, past a horde of shocked Administratum drones, across a food court, and ''through a subway tram terminal'', before slamming it into place in the parking space at their destination with a few inches to spare. As far as Jurgen is concerned, the Commissar ''can never be late.''
* Also in ''Duty Calls'', Cain has to lay out the basics to a shocked civilian woman quickly and concisely:
{{quote| ''Ciaphas Cain, regimental commissar, Valhallan 597th. My aide, Jurgen. Terrorist attack.''}}
* Cain's tailing-off rebuttal of Penlan's [[Dojikko|accident-prone nature]], and her resultant nickname, "Jinxie":
{{quote| "She's not nearly as accident prone as she's supposed to be. I'll grant you [[Continuity Nod|she fell down an ambull tunnel once]], and there was [[Urine Trouble|that incident with the frag grenade and the latrine trench]], but things [[Cursed with Awesome|tend to work out for her]]. The orks on Kastafore was as surprised as she was when [[No OSHA Compliance|the floor in the factory collapsed]], and we'd have walked into right into that [[Noodle Incident|hrud ambush on Skweki if she hadn't triggered the mine by chucking an empty food tin away]]..." I trailed off, finally listening to what I was saying.}}
* ''Caves of Ice'' has an excerpt from a children's book about promethium, with a footnote by Amberley saying she still finds the pictures of Pyrus the Flame immolating heretics to be amusing.
* "The Wheels on the Bus" isn't quite [[Grimdark]] enough to teach to Imperial children:
{{quote| ''"The tracks on the Land Raider crush the heretics, crush the heretics, crush the heretics. The tracks on the Land Raider crush the heretics all day long..."''}}
* This little gem from a pre-chapter quote in ''For The Emperor'', popular among commissarial cadets:
{{quote| When in mortal danger,<br />
When beset by doubt,<br />
Run in little circles,<br />
Wave your arms and shout. }}
* In ''Caves of Ice'', the notes taken of the meeting, which, Amberley observes, the functionary obviously thought would never be read.
** His notes of the second meeting weren't at all helpful, since they were mostly concerned with how the light shone through Colonel Kasteen's hair.
* Cain and his squad meet a witch, who uses her powers to appear as whoever they care about the most. He sees Amberley. Once he figures out it's a fake...
{{quote| '''Cain:''' [[Pre-Mortem One-Liner|Impersonating an inquisitor is a capital offense]].}}
* ''Cain's Last Stand'':
{{quote| '''Cain:''' Cadet Maklin. What do you know of the Ruinous Powers?<br />
''([[Beat]])''<br />
'''Maklin:''' ...[[Captain Obvious|They're really, really bad?]] }}
** Probably the safest answer one can give.
* ''Dead In The Water'':
{{quote| "Who's been drinking all my bloody amasec... Cain's been here."}}
* In ''The Traitor's Hand,'' a techpriest guides Cain through [[Wire Dilemma|disarming a car bomb]].
{{quote| '''[[Creepy Monotone|Techpriest]]''': Simply cut the red wire. <br />
'''Cain''': They're both purple!<br />
'''Techpriest''': [[Not So Stoic|*breaks out swearing*]] }}
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