Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: Difference between revisions

{{quote|''"Locksley! When I get my hands on you, I'm going to carve your heart out with a '''spoon'''!"''|'''[[Alan Rickman|Sheriff of Nottingham]]''', ''[[Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]''}}

This trope is when a threat -- usually a death threat -- is played for laughs by being a bit, well, odd. This can include a threat that's unnecessarily long and convoluted, and the one making it gets a bit lost; or a threat that simply [[Noodle Implements|incorporates some really bizarre elements]]; or a pathetically nonthreatening sort of threat ("Do X, or I'll... [[Poke the Poodle|give you some really evil looks when your back is turned]]!").

Sometimes, [[Fridge Logic]] makes the more bizarre elements [[Fridge Horror|even more terrifying]]. It's one thing to threaten someone with a sharp knife; those cut pretty quickly and can be almost painless (at first). However, goingthreatening afterto someone'''Cut His Heart Out with a spoonSpoon''' dictates hours of potential digging into a person very crudely to get the same effect.

== [[Anime]] and [[Manga]] ==

* ''[[Fullmetal Alchemist (manga)|Fullmetal Alchemist]]'': [[The Napoleon|Ed]] says some random things whenever someone hits his [[Berserk Button]]. "I'll break off your legs and stick them on your head!"

* ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series|Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series]]'' mixes this, the [[Cluster F-Bomb]] and [[Sound Effect Bleep]], for:

{{quote| "I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR [Beep] AND SHOVE THEM RIGHT UP YOUR [Beep][Beepbeep][Beeep], AND THEN [Beeepbeepbeepbeeep][Beep] ON YOUR [Beepbeepbeep][Beeep] WITH [Beeep beep][Beeep] IN THE [Beep][Beeepbeeep] AND [Beepbeepbeepbeepbeep] YOU'LL [Beeepbeepbeep] SO THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO [Beep] SIDEWAYS!! [Beep]"}}

*:* Don't forget:

{{quote| '''Kaiba:''' Time for a trip to the recycle bin, Phantom. And then once you're in the recycle bin, I'm going to right click on it and select "empty recycle bin". Because otherwise, you'll just be taking up unnecessary space. In other words, I'm going to kill you.}}

*:* And:

{{quote| '''Kaiba:''' Oh, there'll be food, all right. So much food that you'll be STUFFED.<br />

'''Joey:''' Was that supposed to be a threat?<br />

*:* Also:

{{quote| '''Kaiba:''' Look, I don't know what the [beep] is going on here, but you're on notice. I don't take kindly to kidnapping and attempted murder. But since you have a God card, I suppose I can allow you to be in my tournament finals. However, try anything funny and I'll probably issue you a stern warning and wag my finger at you. ''Then'' you'll be sorry.}}

{{quote| '''Haruhi:''' "Anyone accepting defeat will be punished by running 10 laps around the school! '''[[Fan Service|Naked!]]''' And you'll have to yell '[[Space Alien|Green martians]] are chasing me' for the whole 10 laps!"}}

{{quote| '''Haruhi:''' "First, you are to leap up a wall with a dry salted fish in your mouth and fight for territory with other wild cats! And you have to wear cat ears while doing it!"}}

{{quote| '''Inu-Yasha''' (to Sesshoumaru): I'm gonna rip your guts out and put them in a bowl!}}

{{quote| "I'm gonna fuck that bitch, shoot her in the head, and ''fuck her there!!''}}

* ''[[Full Metal Panic!]] Fumoffu'': when Tessa was spending some R&R in Jindai disguised as a US transfer student, Mardukas gave an ultimatum to Sousuke: if anything happens to her or he tries to take advantage of the situation by doing something dirty, he'll be loaded in the TDD-1's torpedo tube and launched. The Hungarian dub also mentions something about being thrown into the submarine's reactor until he glowed.

{{quote| '''Rosette''' (to The Elder): I'll kill you with this spoon! }}

* In one of the latest chapter of ''[[Sket Dance]]'', Agata was threatened by Saaya's "kidnapper" that if he doesn't come within the time limit for the next puzzle, 'he'll make Saaya rap'.

{{quote| '''Old Geezer''': You step one foot out that door and I'll be standing by your pillow every night.<br />

''(class returns to their seats)''<br />

{{quote| '''Jakita Wagner''': You're going to tell me what your problem is, or I will find a ''very small'' hole and reenact your birth.}}

{{quote| "If I ever see you again, I'm going to shove my pointer-finger into your piss-hole, Dante Hicks!!! I'll tear your fucking scrotum off and your heart out and shove one into the other and feed them to you before you die, you sick fucking pervert!!!"}}

** Jody from ''[[Preacher (Comic Book)|Preacher]]'' threatens a [[Mook]] by saying he will "rip off yore head and have T.C. shit down the neck stump". Then he rips the guy's head off. Then T.C. shits down the neck stump.

* In the ''[[Goof Troop]]'' fanfic ''[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6434038/1/Teaching_Respect Teaching Respect]'', PJ tells his father Pete what will happen if he starts abusing Peg and Pistol:

{{quote| '''PJ:''' And if you even ''try'' swapping me for them, I'll punch you so fucking hard you'll be shitting your own teeth!}}

* In ''[[Oh God Not Again (Fanfic)|Oh God, Not Again]]'', when Harry and Lockhart reach an agreement of sorts regarding the whole ''Obliviate'' thing, Harry adds that if he tries to steal one of his accomplishments, he'll beat him to death with a paper napkin.

{{quote| '''Lockhart:''' CAN''Can'' you beat someone to death with a paper napkin?<br />

* The ''[[Naruto]]''/''[[The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time]]'' cross-over parody fic Ocarina of Konoha (found [http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2958594/1/Ocarina_of_Konoha here]), Kyuubi's weapon of choice is a spoon. Until it is later upgraded after the timeskip to a spork.

* The ''Naruto'' fanfic ''[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3721427/1/Being_Found Being Found]'' has at least one of these in each of the last three chapters.

** In chapter 13, after Naruto nearly kills himself while using a dozen exploding clones to utterly disintegrate the revived first and second Hokages:

{{quote| '''Tsunade:''' "And if you ever, ever, try something like what you pulled on the roof again, I'll rip out your spleen through your armpit, and shove it back in through your nose."}}

** In chapter 14, a female Haku (who was involved with Naruto) threatens Temari:

{{quote| '''Haku:''' "And while I do not enjoy hurting people, if you ever do anything adverse to Naruto-kun, know that I will freeze the blood in your veins, and shatter your bones."}}

** And in chapter 15, Naruto and Shikamaru have this exchange:

{{quote| '''Naruto:''' "It's not your fault, Shika, so stop blaming yourself before I punch you in the face so hard you crap out your eyeballs."<br />

'''Shikamaru:''' "That's not physically possible."<br />

* Another ''Naruto'' fanfic, ''[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5288868/1/Uprooted Uprooted]'', has this little gem from Tsunade (directed at the Third Hokage):

{{quote| "But, as the Head Iryo-nin of Konoha Hospital, I can override you in medical matters. I will declare you unfit for duty, make you eat hospital food until Naruto-kun comes back, make you attend therapy where you will have to keep daily diary of your innermost feelings and play with a pink, squishy ball and wear green paper gown the whole time, carry out painful rectal examinations on you, let my interns use you as a practice dummy when they first learn acupuncture, confiscate all contraband literature and the new, experimental medication just might have the unfortunate side effect of erectile dysfunction."}}

* ''[[Axis Powers Hetalia]]'' darkfic ''[[Mistakes (Fanfic)|Mistakes]]'' has a [[Shout-Out]] to the far darker [[Gorn]] fic ''Debt''. when China tells America to leave him alone or "[[I Will Tear Your Arms Off|I will rip your arms off with my bare hands]] and beat you to death with the wet ends".

== [[Film]] ==

* The [[Trope Namer]], from ''[[Robin Hood]]: Prince of Thieves]]'': "I'm gonna cut his heart out with a spoon!" Exclaimed by the Sheriff of Nottingham. The Sheriff's [[The Dragon|Dragon]] [[Lampshade Hanging|lampshades]] the trope, asking why he doesn't use a more suitable implement. The Sheriff snaps, "Because it's ''dull'', you twit! It'll ''hurt'' more!"

* ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean]]'':

{{quote| '''Pirate Lord''': "Shoot him [Barbossa]!" <br />

'''Another Pirate Lord''': "Cut out his tongue!"<br />

{{quote| Uh, betray us, and I will fong you, until your insides are out, your outsides are in, your entrails will become your extrails I will w-rip... all the p... ung. Pain, lots of pain.}}

* ''[[Airheads]]'': "I'll stab off your neck... With my dick!"

* ''[[Team America]]: World Police]]'': "If you don't [comply], we [The UN] will be very angry. And we will [[Strongly Worded Letter|write a letter]], telling you how angry we are."

** Parodied in ''[[The Simpsons (animation)|The Simpsons]]'' by an angry tow-truck driver; "If I catch you on my turf, I'll rip off your head, vomit down your neck, rip out your heart, show your heart to your head, and shove 'em both down your neck-hole, to which I previously alluded."

*** Double Parodied in ''[[The Simpsons]]'' BY the aforementioned [[Drill Sergeant Nasty]] Sergeant Hartman actor R. Lee Ermey playing a "Colonel Hapablap" threatening to "tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party", and then "corpse you up and mail you to mama."

{{quote| '''Grocer''': I'm gonna put a bullet hole in your fuckin' forehead, and I'm gonna ''fuck the brain hole!''}}

{{quote| '''Payne:''' I will put my foot so far up your ass the water on my knee will quench your thirst!}}

* In ''[[Cars]]'', Doc's first lines consist of ranting about how he'll throw Lightning in jail for so long the jail will rot on top of him, then build a new jail and let that one rot -- consideringrot—considering the characters are cars and the jail is an open-air impound lot, this would be impressive, to say the least.

{{quote| '''Troublemaker:''' Do you got any idea what we're gonna do to you if we find one itty bitty scratch on them? Any idea?<br />

'''Shep:''' Let me guess, you're gonna pound my face, break every bone in my body, then you're gonna drag my body down a gravel road, and feed my remains to a wart hog. Is that about right?<br />

* In ''[[State and Main|Stateand Main]]'', the movie producer Marty ends a phone call with "I'm gonna rip out your heart and piss on your lungs through the hole in your chest. And my best to Marion."

* In ''[[The Presidio]]'', Lt. Col Caldwell states quietly that he's going to beat up a drunk blowhard in a pool hall with his thumbthumb—this -- this RIGHT''right'' thumb... because the left is too powerful for him. Of course, since Our Intrepid Hero is an army man, the ensuing smack down is [[Exactly What It Says on the Tin]]. In the same movie, Sgt. Major MacLure tells someone to shut up, on pain of "I'll shove your head so far up your ass, you'll be talking out of your armpit."

* In [[Mel Brooks]]' remake of ''To Be or Not to Be'', Frederick Bronski, after learning that his wife and a dashing Polish flier were having an affair before the war started, and about to go and potentially give his life by pretending to be a Nazi spy he'd killed, forgives the pair -- inpair—in the event that he doesn't return from Gestapo headquarters. "However if I ''do'' come back, you're in a lotta trouble!"

{{quote| --"''I gonna taika you doo-ork, I gonna nail it to dawall! I gonna crusha you boils inna meat grinda! I gonna chopoffa you ahms... I gonna shuvemupa you icehole!''"}}

{{quote| "Let me make this perfectly clear. If Cora D escapes, I will ''personally'' rip your heart out of your ass, and shove it back down your throat."<br />

{{quote| '''Mook:''' You broke my nose!<br />

{{quote| '''Darwin:''' I'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom! <br />

{{quote| '''Prince Humperdinck:''' First things first, to the death.<br />

'''Westley:''' No. To the pain.<br />

'''Prince Humperdinck:''' I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.<br />

'''Westley:''' I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.<br />

'''Prince Humperdinck:''' That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.<br />

'''Westley:''' It won't be the last. 'To the pain' means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.<br />

'''Prince Humperdinck:''' And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.<br />

'''Westley:''' I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.<br />

'''Prince Humperdinck:''' And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it.<br />

'''Westley:''' WRONG. Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain' means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.<br />

'''Prince Humperdinck:''' I think you're bluffing.<br />

'''Westley:''' It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all.<br />

[slowly rises and points sword directly at the prince]<br />

'''Westley:''' ''Drop. Your. Sword.''<br />

{{quote| '''Nebuloso:''' But it must look realistic. Anyone caught overacting I will personally scare to death!}}

{{quote| '''Marsellus:''' What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggers, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass.}}

{{quote| '''Jesus Quintana''': Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click." <br />

'''The Dude''': ...Jesus.<br />

{{quote| '''Stitch''': This babe is whack. She doesn't know what's twelve inches long and white. Nothing! Hey man, no offense, I'm just working on my routine.<br />

{{quote| "All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob."}}

* In ''[[Reno 911!]]'' [[The Movie]], a Homeland Security agent threatens Jones & Garcia with "...I'm gonna fill a tube sock with oranges, then I'm gonna beat you with it until I juice them! Then I'm gonna drink the juice in front of you! And you're gonna ask me "Why?", but I'm not gonna answer you!"

* From ''[[Twenty21 One(game show)||21]]'': Cole Williams: "If I see you in here again, I will break your cheekbone with a small hammer. And then I will kill you."

* ''All OVERover'' ''[[Pineapple Express]]'':

{{quote| '''Robert''': You assholes do exactly as I say, or I will take you outside and fuck you in the street!<br />

{{quote| '''Ken''': War is upon you! Prepare to suck the cock of karma! }}

{{quote| '''Matheson''': You know you gonna die, right?<br />

'''Saul''': Yeah.<br />

{{quote| '''Bartender''': Ahh, perhaps you don't understand. Ahh... if you don't pay me now, I'm going to uhh... take this swizzle-stick, and uhh... I'll be shoving that right up your pee-hole. }}

* In [[The Seventies]] spoof ''[[J-Men Forever!]]'', one of the <s>G-Men</s> J-Men indignantly turns down a bribe.

{{quote| "I'm going to have you wrapped in the U.S flag and burned personally by the President, in high-octane American gasoline!"}}

* This is actually hinted at in the ''[[Dark Knight Trilogy]]''. I ''really'' don't want to know [[Noodle Implements|what the Joker uses that potato peeler for...]]

{{quote| "I'm gonna keep the Coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door."}}

{{quote| '''Grosman''': My fist is going to be so far up your ass that every time you have a fart it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring.}}

{{quote| '''Capitaine Charles Patenaude, waving around a discarded blender''': Brad, pull something like that again, and I will cut you to pieces, I will put you in this blender, I will press "Smoothie" and [[ThisPunctuated! IsFor! SpartaEmphasis!|I. WILL. DRINK. YOU.]]}}

* In ''[[The Emperor's New Groove|The Emperors New Groove]]'', Yzma's initial plan to kill Kuzco is as follows:

{{quote| '''Yzma''': I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea. Then, I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself. And when it arrives ([[Evil Laugh]]), I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!}}

{{quote| '''Eve''': If any of you wolves have hurt my daughter, I will personally RIP out your eyes, and SHOVE them down your throat so you can see my claws '''TEAR YOUR CARCASS OPEN!''' }}

{{quote| '''Jimmy Bond''': You do know of course that this means an angry letter to the ''Times''?}}

{{quote| '''Miles:''' You sit here. I'll go find us something, and don't try anything funny while I'm gone, 'cause you know what you'll get.<br />

'''Luna:''' What?<br />

* The infamous 'French Taunting' from ''[[Monty Python and Thethe Holy Grail]]'' sometimes dips into this trope.

{{quote| '''Robin:''' If you don't tell me where your little brother is, I'm gonna beat the ''BLACK'' off you, and you're gonna look lighter than Michael Jackson!}}

{{quote| I'm gonna fuckin' take your leg off, and I'll... fuckin'... the shin bone! I'm gonna take the shin bone, I'm gonna break it in two and I'm going to fucking stab you to fucking death with it...}}

{{quote| '''Larabee:''' I'm a trained killer, you know. I can kill you with anything in this office. You wanna die by Post-Its? 'Cause I can make that happen.<br />

** When Susan Sto Helit has a stint as a [[Magical Nanny|nanny]] in ''[[Discworld/Hogfather|Hogfather]]'', she threatens her charges with things like "If I catch you being twee again, I'll knot your arms together behind your head." She finds that these actually worked better than believable threats.

** Also, when the Great God Om found himself [[Brought Down to Normal]] in ''[[Discworld/Small Gods|Small Gods]]'', he took a while to abandon the over-the-top threats that had always worked before: "Your intestines to be wound around a tree until you are sorry!" and "May your genitals sprout wings and fly away!"

** Another fine example, from Sergeant Jackrum in ''[[Discworld/Monstrous Regiment|Monstrous Regiment]]'': "...there's no rule to stop me beating seven kinds of crap out of you... And that may take me some time, sir, because until now I've only ever discovered five types of crap."

** A two-parter from <s>Sam Vimes</s> John Keel in ''[[Discworld/Night Watch (Discworld)|Night Watch]]'': "...you try it on one more time and you'll need to use both hands to pick up a spoon and you'll need to pick up a spoon, Ned, 'cos of living off soup by reason of having no damn ''teeth''!"

** One of the dire threats of the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night in ''[[Discworld/Guards Guards|Guards! Guards!]]'' involves toasting the offender's figgin on a spike. The power of this threat mostly hinges on not finding out that a figgin is a (fictional) type of pastry containing raisins.

** In ''[[Discworld/Lords and Ladies|Lords and Ladies]]'' Granny Weatherwax tells Nanny Ogg's bratty grandson "If you don't shut up, I will personally rip your head off and fill it with snakes." The little boy is merely amused by this threat.

*** Interestingly, in "The Sea and Little Fishes" later on in the time line, Nanny Ogg tells her grandson--probablygrandson—probably the same one--thatone—that if he doesn't stop crying, she'll never give him candy again. The shock shuts him right up.

** In ''[[Discworld/The Last Continent|The Last Continent]]'' one of the "ladies" whose float Rincewind hides on at the Galah screams at a troublemaker: "I'll stick my hand down yer throat and pull yer trousers up!"

** In ''[[Discworld/Men At Arms|Men Atat Arms]]'', Carrot threatens Dr. Whiteface, head of the Fools Guild. He threatens to follow Sargent Colon's orders to the letter, the orders Carrot got just before going to the guild. When Whiteface threatens to call his guards, Carrot calmly informs him that that will only make it easier for him to obey those orders. He then adds that, if it helps, he'll feel slightly ashamed to do so. Whiteface backed down. The orders? "If there's any trouble, we're leaving right away." Colon had seen people bluff with bad hands, he'd never seen someone bluff with no cards.

** In ''[[Discworld/Interesting Times|Interesting Times]]'', the Red Army are not very good with making effective threats, to the point where Rincewind summarizes their threats as "Slightly bad things please happen to our enemies!"

{{quote| '''Lasaraleen''': No one is to be let out of the house today. And anyone I catch talking about this young lady will be first beaten to death and then burned alive and after that be kept on bread and water for six weeks. There.}}

{{quote| Soon as I'm on my feet, your asses are mine. You all might as well just go practice falling down for a while so you'll be used to it. Just order the body bags now 'cause when I'm done, you're going to look like piles of chocolate pudding. They'll be cleaning you up with shovels.}}

{{quote| "He's going round telling the world you're nothing but a cleaned-out rabbit's head, stuffed with sauerkraut, and if you're lucky enough to get back from the front he's going to see to it you get deported to a cowshit-stinking hole in South Bavaria where the entire population consists of village idiots."}}

* In the ''[[Redwall]]'' prequel ''Martin the Warrior'', Captain Clogg throws a fit of rage when Badrang sets fire to his ship, and screams "I'll cut yer 'ead off an' throw it in yer face!" (Technically possible if one assumes he doesn't mean that head, but since this is a children's book it's unlikely that was the intended meaning. [[Getting Crap Past the Radar|Then again ...]])

* Near the end of [[Mary Stewart]]'s ''[[Heirs of Alexandria|This Rough Magic]]'', a teenage girl is raging about the escape of the villain, who'd almost succeeded in murdering her brother. She shouts that she wishes she could eat the man's heart in the marketplace, and someone comments that although the girl may never have read Shakespeare, her threat is nearly word for word from one of the plays. Then the young{{spoiler|villain's fellowescape whovehicle plansblows toup, marryand herthe revealsone {{spoiler|thatperson he'''not''' arrangedsurprised forby the villain'sexplosion, escapethe vehicleyoung tofellow blowwho up,plans andto hemarry her, tells her, "You wanted to eat his heart.... I have cooked it for you."}}

{{quote| "Your fate will be whispered by mothers in dark places to frighten their young," said Hastur, and then felt that the language of Hell wasn't up to the job. "You're going to get taken to the bloody ''cleaners,'' pal," he added.}}

* In the [[Wind on Fire]] trilogy [[White Prince|Princess]] [[Spoiled Sweet|Sirharasi]] has a few good ones, mostly involving eye-gouging of some form or other, but also this gem: "If you tell anything you've heard here, I'll have your tongues pulled out, and rabbits' heads pushed into your mouths, and your lips sewn up...[[It Got Worse|and your eyes will be burned out by red-hot skewers]]."

{{quote| Tell that mustached fool that by nightfall this place shall be known as the Grave of the Britons. Tell him that I shall snip off his whiskers and make them a plaything for my daughter's cats. Tell him that I shall carve a drinking cup from his skull and feed his belly to my dogs.}}

{{quote| "Anatomically impossible, Mr. Garibaldi... but you're welcome to try, any time, anywhere."}}

{{quote| "On your way back, I'd like you to practice the Babylon 5 Mantra: Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will ''personally rip your lungs out!'' Babylon Control out. [''to herself''] Civilians. [''glances upward''] Just kidding about the God thing. No offense?"}}

* Moriarty, in the 1st episode of the second season of ''[[Sherlock]]'', says, "I will turn you into shoes!"

* Jayne, from ''[[Firefly (TV series)|Firefly]]'', makes one of these when he talks about the "chain of command" being the one he beats you with if you argue with him.

{{quote| If you take sexual advantage of that girl, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for [[Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking|child molesters, and people who talk at the theater.]]}}

{{quote| '''Zoe:''' If they take the ship they will rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins in to their clothing, and if we're very, very lucky, they?ll do it in that order.}}

{{quote| '''Dawn:''' I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all... touch her... you're gonna wake up on fire. }}

{{quote| '''Lilah:''' One more excuse from you and I am gonna bury you alive next to my house so I can hear you screaming.}}

{{quote| '''Harper:''' You do that to one of my boys again, Obadiah, and I'll shove that pointy thing you're carrying up your arse until it picks your nose.<br />

{{quote| '''Baines:''' We'll blast them into dust, then fuse the dust into glass, then shatter them all over again!}}

{{quote| '''Irongron:''' I'll chop him up so fine, not even a sparrow will fill its beak!}}

{{quote| '''Doctor:''' If you do that one more time, Duggan, I'm going to take very, very severe measures.<br />

'''Duggan:''' Yeah, like what?<br />

{{quote| '''Noel Fielding:''' Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow...<br />

'''Simon Amstell:''' With a pair of scissors made of glitter?<br />

{{quote| "You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day... well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week... or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week..."}}

{{quote| '''[[Ben Foster|Glen]]:''' I'm gonna wear you like a puppet, on my fist, and then get into a punch-fight '''WITH A MAN MADE OF RAZOR BLADES!'''}}

{{quote| '''Michael:''' He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them!<br />

'''Angela:''' Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue!<br />

'''Jerry:''' Let me rephra-<br />

'''Angela:''' I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head! (Elaine walks in)<br />

'''Jerry:''' Hi Elaine, this is Angela.<br />

'''Angela:''' I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth!<br />

{{quote| '''Newman:''' All right, but hear me and hear me well. The day will come - oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning will come, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face! And I will be there, in all my glory. Watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!}}

{{quote| '''Burkhalter:''' Klink, you will be court-martialed, shot, and sent to the Russian front.<br />

'''Klink:''' But General Burkhalter, you can't do all of those to me!<br />

* In one episode of ''[[MASHM*A*S*H (television)|M*A*S*H]]'', Charles Emerson Winchester III had a good one:

{{quote| I want him drawn and quartered, and then I want the pieces arrested!}}

{{quote| I'll break his leg, set it and break it again.}}

* Earl Sinclair's [[Meaningful Name|B.P.]] Richfield in ''[[Dinosaurs]]'' seemed to be rather fond of this trope.

{{quote| "If you tell anyone, I'll rip out your spinal cord to play '''jump rope with'''!"}}

{{quote| '''Buck:''' You better cure her or I'll?<br />

'''Doctor:''' Or you'll what?<br />

{{quote| ''I'm gonna rip out his wind-pipe and beat him to death with the tonsil end!''<br />

{{quote| '''Death''': We're gonna cut you up so fine the worms won't even have to chew.}}

{{quote| '''Bruno''': We will work hard. We will work well. We will work together. Or so help me, mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses, you will, quite simply, be dead.}}

{{quote| '''C.J.''': I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that web site. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there, I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass...What?<br />

'''Josh''': Well... technically, I outrank you.<br />

{{quote| '''Republican Senator''':You told him: they take on finance campaign reform, I roll out a legislative agenda that will make his boss sit down and cry? [...] I'm gonna reach down [Josh's] throat and take out his heart with an ice-cream scoop.}}

{{quote| '''Leo:''' If the President's wearing a hat, or that thing's wearing a Bartlet button, [[Snakes Are Evil|I'm hiding snakes in your car]].<br />

'''CJ:''' Come on, don't say that! Not even as a joke!<br />

{{quote| '''Philip:''' (To Will) Will, calm down. Now I've trained as a lawyer for many years. I was trained in the art of negotiation. Okay? Observe.<br />

[Philip walks up to the man] <br />

'''Philip:''' Sir? <br />

[Grabs the man by the lapels] <br />

{{quote| '''Igor''': I am going to kill you in a very inventive way! I am going to pee in a paper cone, freeze it, remove the paper and STAB you with my own ice-cold URINE!}}

{{quote| '''Sue:''' I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I'll steal away into your home and punch you in the face.}}

{{quote| '''Sybil:''' If I find out the money on that horse was yours, you know what I'll do, Basil.<br />

{{quote| '''Lily''': Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you’re trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard that your eyes pop out and then I’ll feed them to you like grapes.<br />

'''Barney''': Wait, my eyes or my testicles?<br />

{{quote| "If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms."}}

{{quote| '''Anne Boleyn''': What if I were to agree to the divorce, but invoke the blessing of the pope?<br />

{{quote| '''Angela:''' I have a hypothetical question.<br />

{{quote| '''Dalia:''' You know what’s going to be painful? When my mother remarries your father and I’m your new sister and Dad likes me best. And then we send you away to an all-girls boarding school where you find true love. And on visiting day I come up and steal your new girlfriend. ''(sips her drink)''The following spring we marry in a civil ceremony which you are forced to cater. And everyone hates your catering. And you get a bad review on Yelp, which pretty much sinks your organic lesbian catering venture. }}

{{quote| '''O'Malley:''' I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!}}

** Also, when Caboose gets in touch with his "angry side" in order to fight off the [[Noob|noobsnoob]]s, he shouts threats and insults like "I will eat your unhappiness!" and "Your toast has been burned, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts!"

{{quote| '''Oscar:''' **To a [[Breaking the Fourth Wall|curious fanboy]]** If you dare finish that sentence, I swear to God that I'll [[Eye Scream|gouge your eyes out]] with a screwdriver. Then I'll [[Groin Attack|cut your dick off]] and sharpen it until I can ''stick it on your neck'' to give you a tracheoechtomy. Finally, I'll scrape your skin off with a potato peeler and I'll ''squeeze'' it so I can send threatening letters to your whole family written '''''with your own BLOOD'''''!! }}

== [[Professional Wrestling]] ==

{{quote| "If you ever say that to me again, I will force feed you your own spleen."}}

{{quote| "[[Full Metal Jacket|And I will rip off your head and spit down your neck!]]"}}

{{quote| "''I'll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled... until... until... until you've had enough! And then I'll do it again! And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them! And I will carry on jumping on them until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even more unpleasant to do, and then...''"}}

{{quote| '''Slartibartfast:''' Come now or you will be late!<br />

'''Arthur Dent:''' Late? What for?<br />

'''Slartibartfast:''' Late, as in the late [[Surname FirstThe Name SurnameIs Bond, James Bond|Dentarthurdent]]. It's a sort of threat, you see. I've never been very good at them myself... }}

== [[Video Games]] ==

{{quote| "If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR?!"}}

{{quote| '''Edwina:''' (I will kill ALL of them. Slowly. With...with HOT...pokey things and...and coals and...and prods. Yessssss, prods. Many, many prods.)}}

{{quote| "Mortal fool! Release me from this wretched tomb! I must be set free, or I will haunt you forever! I will hide your keys beneath the cushions of your upholstered furniture, and NEVERMORE will you be able to find socks that match!"}}

{{quote| '''Murray:''' You may call me Murray! I am a powerful demonic force! I am the harbinger of your doom! And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I STRIDE through the gates of hell ''carrying your head on a pike!''<br />

'''Guybrush:''' "Stride?"<br />

{{quote| '''Guybrush:''' Now listen here, ya fleshy sack of chum, you'd better be handin' that golden sea turtle or I'll be handin' ya yer liver on the pointy end of me hook!}}

{{quote| '''Winslow:''' ''[under the influence of the Pox]'' Listen here, you poor excuse for a prissy privateer! Any more lip out of you, and the Captain'll be sending yer carcass on a tour of the small intestine!}}

{{quote| '''Grindstump:''' The defendant will cease his inane histrionics, or the court will be forced to ''[growls a bit before he becomes Pox-enraged]'' [[Large Ham|YANK OUT HIS TONGUE WITH A RUSTY SHRIMP FORK! ARRR!]]}}

* Somewhat demonstrated by Sheogerath in [[The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion]].

{{quote| "I'm so happy, I could just... tear out your intestines and strangle you with them!"}}

{{quote| [[Final Fantasy I|"I! Garland! Will KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!"]]}}

* In ''[[Duke Nukem 3D]]'', Duke homages ''[[Full Metal Jacket]]'' as he tells the second boss "I'll rip your head off and shit down your neck!" After you win the fight, Duke does exactly that. While reading the newspaper. [[ThemeDiegetic TuneTheme Cameo|And whistling the game's theme.]]

{{quote| '''Redman:''' I'mma rip your tongue out...''and lick my ass with it!''}}

{{quote| '''The Soldier:''' I am going to claw down your very throat and tear out your very soul!<br />

'''The Soldier:''' I am going to strangle you with your own frilly training bra!<br />

{{quote| '''The Soldier (in Robotic Monotone):''' My foot will transform into a foot with your ass wrapped around it. }}

{{quote| '''Soldier''': "Then I guess you'd better take me out to that gravel pit and '''''shoot''''' me, lady. 'Cause if you ever ask me to kill my best friend again, I will put my '''''boot so far up your ass''''' it will be on the '''''news!'''''"}}

{{quote| '''The Demoman:''' I'm going to stick my thumbs in your eyes and hang on until you're '''dead'''!<br />

{{quote| '''Odette (speaking to Oswald)''': "I will scrape out your bowels until you ''beg me'' for mercy."}}

{{quote| I'm gonna kill you both, drain all your blood, take out your bones, put your body in a big chair with some elves and reindeer, sit on your lap, and tell you all the cool shit I want for Christmas!}}

{{quote| '''Nefarious''' When I've finished killing you, I think I'll rewind time..so I can do it again. And ''again''. And ''AGAIN!'' Hahahahaha!}}

{{quote| '''André''': '''''I'LL SLURP UP YOUR INTESTINES LIKE A PIECE OF SPAGHETTI'''''<br />

'''André''': '''''GET ME OUT OF HERE OR I'LL START CHEWING'''''<br />

* A disturbing, if no less comical example lies in [[ConkersConker's Bad Fur Day]], where a boss threatens to finish Conker off by [[Ass Shove|shoving the squirrel up his butt]]. The boss just happens to be a giant, talking mountain of feces.

== [[Web Comics]] ==

* A ''[[Cyanide and& Happiness]]'' comic had the delightful; "Touch me again, and I will kill you so hard you will ''die'' to death".

* The quote formerly atop the page came from* Belkar Bitterleaf, of ''[[The Order of the Stick|Order of the Stick]]''. In it, he was threatening a horse that had tackled him when the party was attacked. "I owe you a world of hurt, horse, and I always pay my debts. One day, when you least expect it, you're going to wake up as glue. And not the good stuff either, the cheap white paste that the weird kids eat!"

** "''Tell us what we need to know, OR - I'll cry. You heard me. I'll start bawling like a toddler who dropped their ice cream on the sidewalk. In front of your friends, your teachers, any girls you like. And I'll tell them it's because YOU won't be my friend.''"

** "Xykon, when he gets ''seriously'' annoyed - "If I ever see you with more eyes than assholes, I'm going to shove one into the other and give your cloak to that hobgoblin.''"

** Also, when Digger gets angry she says " [http://www.diggercomic.com/?p=211 "I'll kill it! I'll break its face and feed it gravel through a straw! I'll- I'll- <(I will construct its dwelling with inferior materials!>)]".

* ''[[Girl Genius]]'''s has moments when Krosp I seems to let his [[Talking Animal]] instincts [http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20080516 take over], as he warns, "I'm serious. Mess with me and your ''shoes'' are ''mine''."

** The fans loved it so much, the Penny Arcade website now has a hoodie you can buy with the entire threat printed on the back. [https://web.archive.org/web/20130918040802/http://store.penny-arcade.com/products/pah070071 And it is awesome.]

{{quote| '''Helen:''' Talk, or I'll drop you into an oil drum full of shaved gerbils and Jell-O.<br />

* From ''[[Picatrix]]'': [https://web.archive.org/web/20100822094248/http://www.picatrix.net/index.php/2008/04/25/page-188/ "And the third one, ooooooh, I still daydream about that one. About how much I would love to disembowel him with a rusty spoon."] The dreamy sparkle in Winnie's eyes as she says this (about her horrible luck with boyfriends) is [[Nightmare Fuel Station Attendant|truly disturbing]].

* ''[[Something *Positive]]'' has many examples:

* In ''[[Cwen's Quest]]'' a young Cwen in a moment of full on freak out threatens to [https://web.archive.org/web/20110402000949/http://www.drunkduck.com/Cwens_Quest/index.php?p=413930 "eat" a raccoon to death].

** And in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160130123202/http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=030105 another strip]:

{{quote| '''Torg:''' My New Years resolution is to avoid having Gwynn stick a fork in my head.<br />

* ''[[Checkerboard Nightmare]]'' [https://web.archive.org/web/20110809013602/http://www.checkerboardnightmare.com/retro/20041022.shtml makes itself relevant again.] The Secret Lawyers Society is so disappointed with Lyle that they're going to slowly decrease the temperature of the room until he has to put his hands in his pants pockets.

** While Hoffmanites may be able to make good on the spoon threat thanks to their great strength, there's probably only one race in the galaxy that considers [https://web.archive.org/web/20150428210003/http://www.airshipentertainment.com/buckcomic.php?date=20080717 "I'll floss his teeth!"] to be a viable threat.

{{quote| '''Kestrel:''' Angela's one of my best friends, and [[If You Ever Do Anything to Hurt Her...|if you do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to hurt her?]] I will rip your heart out. [[Groin Attack|Via your urethra]].<br />

'''Seamus:''' Ha! Yeah, I know, I... You aren't joking, are you?<br />

{{quote| '''Dan:''' Oh you sons of sea cows will wish you'd never been born with '''limbs''' on your bodies! Because I'm going to come on that ship and '''show''' you how many delicious '''stocks''' and '''braises''' I can '''make with them!'''}}

{{quote| '''Lothar''': Thats it, I'll just kill them... with a spork!"}}

{{quote| ...so you better get one thing straight in those whimpering skunk fetuses you twice-inbred Sasquatches dare call brains. If even one of you hemorrhaging shit-apes so much as blinks wrong, I'll see to it personally that you're lapping rat bile off an AIDS-infested twat rag by the end of the week. Got it?!}}

* [[Bug (webcomic)Martini|Bug]] shows us some [https://web.archive.org/web/20130519144621/http://www.bugcomic.com/comics/execute/ discontinued methods of execution], which were discontinued for good reason.

{{quote| '''Superintendent:''' He'll think twice about '''that'''.<br />

{{quote| '''Ivy:''' Well, you'd better do your work and make me look good or so help me I'll... I'll... I'll be ''completely honest'' when I critique your art!}}

** "One false move from yew, sir, one word outta yore mouth wot I don't like, an' I'll cockblock yer by kickin' it till ye 'ave a falsetto wot'd make [[Justin Bieber]] jealous." In the same [[MS TingMSTing]], a reluctant riffer was threatened with being forced to hang around with resident [[Enfant Terrible]] Molly.

** "Are you aware of the number of live eel larvae the nasal cavity can accommodate? Make me listen to [[Berserk Button|one more comment about my name]] and you'll find out."

{{quote| '''Bennett:''' I say we castrate him with a fork, tie him to a cactus, and play pinata with his entrails! }}

{{quote| "I will hang you out like laundry! I will beat you like a drum! I will make your mother cry! I will make your aunt Edna from Gorfield, south of Barnaby, cry!" }}

* ''[[The Simpsons (animation)|Simpsons]]'' example: Some of Moe's reactions to Bart's prank calls qualify for this, e.g. "Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!"

{{quote| '''Filbert''': ''(as the register reads $1.50)'' And your total is... ''(The clock strikes noon, and the total promptly jumps to $150)'' one hundred and fifty dollars. Gee... Looks like you just missed our big sale... Have a nice day...<br />

''(Rocko looks on in horror, and after a few seconds, promptly flips the hell out)''<br />

{{quote| '''Stewie''': Fine, but no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, ''I shall kill you''.}}

{{quote| '''Santa-bot:''' You '''''dare''''' bribe Santa?! I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!!}}

{{quote| '''Mom:''' If I ever see that man [Prof. Farnsworth] again... I swear I'll jam a squirrel in him!}}

{{quote| '''Hermes:''' [discussing Nibbler] I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river and [[No Kill Like Overkill|hurl the river into space.]]}}

{{quote| '''Roberto'''... And the other hamburger will also be made of your lungs.}}

{{quote| '''Don Karnage''': When I catch that bothersome Baloo, I tear him into itsy-bitsy pieces of ugly bear! Then I will sew him back together with dull needles!}}

{{quote| "I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And I'll put that flea in a box. And then I'll put that box in another box. Then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives, I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this!"}}

{{quote| "Ugh! Starscream and Blackarachnia! I'll have both their treacherous hides! [[Verbal Tic|Yeeessss]]...I'll-I'll melt them down and use them for aluminum siding! Oh, yes, indeed!"}}

* ''[[The Grim Adventures of Billy and& Mandy]]'':

{{quote| '''Mandy:''' You're gonna do it, or so help me, I will pull your stupid cloak through your eyes and use it as reins to ride your bony butt back to the darkest pits of the Underworld FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!}}

{{quote| '''Grim (while he's in the "anger" stage of grief):''' I'm gonna rip Boogey's nose off and put it in a jar! }}

{{quote| '''Ren:''' Oh, what I'm gonna do to you... ''I'm so angry!'' First, I'm gonna tear your lips out! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do! And then? I'm gonna gouge your eyes out! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do... Next, I'm gonna-- TEAR YOUR ARMS OUT OF THE SOCKETS! And you wanna know what else? I'm gonna hit ya-- and you're gonna faaaaaall. And I'm gonna look down-- and I'm gonna laaaaaaaugh.}}

{{quote| "When I get back here, if I find a single dog hair I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes. Also, I need you to go buy sand. I don't know if they grade it, but...coarse."<br />

"I'm gonna pain you dearly, Wodehouse, when I peel off all your skin with a flencing knife! And then sew it into Wodehouse pajamas! And then set those pajamas on fire!"<br />

{{quote| As I ram your carcass through an impossibly small hole into a sea of flaming hot human feces, and you can't draw a breath yet your lungs are filled [[Running Gag|with that same flaming hot human feces!]]}}

* [[Hey Arnold!]]: When Lila is chosen to be Juliet for the School play with Arnold, Helga does everything talk her out of it, but eventually Lila manages to get Helga to confess the truth about ''why'' she wants to be Juliet so badly. Upon revealing this Helga threatens that if Lila ever told anyone she would pull out her tongue and wrap it around her neck.

{{quote| Peggy: Oh, I'm so glad you forgave him. I'm not sure how you were going to "Drive your truck through his ass", but you sounded serious.}}

{{quote| '''Sergei''': I will plant the seeds of revenge and let them grow, then I'll harvest the vegetables of revenge and from those vegetables, I will plant more seeds!<br />

'''Stan''': And then you'll get your revenge.<br />

* The grand battle scene against Dr. D's robot army in [[Phineas and Ferb]]: ''[[Phineas and Ferb The Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension|Across The Second Dimension]]'' is set to an original song titled ''Robot Riot'', which packs [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27AJ8QqAg0Y some choice threats in its lyrics]. Granted, they are threats against [[What Measure Is a Non-Human?|robotkind]], but they're still really colorful. Eg:

{{quote| "I'm gonna rip you up and put you back together in a new configuration just to mow my lawn."}}

[[Category:A Tortured Index{{PAGENAME}}]]

[[Category:CutA HisTortured Heart Out with a SpoonIndex]]