Evil Lawyer Joke/Quotes: Difference between revisions

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{{quote|''People always ask me how come the newspaper prints so much bad news? How come the front page always has negative headlines like "Freak Espresso Machine Explosion Destroys Crowded Starbucks?" Why don't we print stories with a positive slant, like "Destroyed Starbucks Was Popular Gathering Place for Lawyers?"''|'''[[Dave Barry]]''', "A leap in cow control"}}

 

{{quote|''Do you have any idea how many lawyers are in hell?''|'''[[Ghost Rider]]''' to [[Ace Attorney|Phoenix Wright]], ''[[Marvel vs. Capcom 3]]''}}

 

* What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a low-life bottom-feeding scum sucker; the other's a fish.

* Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.

* What do you call a lawyer with an 80 IQ? Your Honor!

* An [[Older Than Radio|old legal puzzle]] concerns the different rules on marriage in various U.S. states in the early 20th century. James, who is white, marries Emily (also white) in South Carolina, which refuses to recognize divorce. He then separates from Emily and gets a divorce in New York, so that he can marry Susan, who is black. He then separates from Susan, ''without'' getting divorced and moves to Georgia (which does not recognize inter-racial marriages) where he marries Lucy (white again). Then he goes on a sea cruise and drops dead. Under South Carolina law, the widow is Emily, and only Emily. Under New York law, the widow is Susan, and only Susan. Under Georgia law, the widow is Lucy, and only Lucy. Federal law (at the time) refused to endorse any state's marriage laws over the other. So who gets his inheritance? {{spoiler|You needed a spoiler for this? THE LAWYERS.}}

* Jack Strange, Esq, an elderly lawyer, once asked a funeral director to prepare a tombstone for him. The wording he wanted was simply "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man." The funeral director reminded him that there was no name on the tombstone. "No need," said the lawyer, "anyone who reads the words 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man' will instantly think 'That's Strange!' "

** A joke on Prairie Home Companion had a young boy asking his mother "Do they ever put two people in the same grave?", his mother saying "No, why?" and the boy saying "Because that one there says 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

* A classic cartoon from the 18th century was entitled "Litigation." It showed a cow, with "The Plaintiff" pulling on the horns, "The Defendant" pulling on the tail, "The Judge" watching them and "The Lawyer" milking it.

* Recently, scientists have started replacing lab rats for lawyers, for three reasons:1) Lawyers have less rights than actual rats. 2) The scientists grow less attached to lawyers. 3) There are certain things rats would never do.

** However, they soon after switched back to rats, as rats are closer to human beings.

* A woman is going to see her doctor about a rather unusual occurrence. "You see doctor...well, this is awfully embarrassing, but last night, well, my husband, he....I mean, I.....well, we had anal sex." "I see. Do you find it painful?" "No, actually, it was quite different. Are there any special precautions we need to make?" "No, as long as you make sure not to get pregnant" "Of course - wait, I can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course my dear, where do you think Lawyers come from?"

* There is a book called ''Lawyers and Other Reptiles''. An anonymous quote on the jacket is "It was so cold that a lawyer had his hands in his own pockets."

** How do we know God, who created the world out of chaos and darkness, is a lawyer? He created chaos and darkness first.

** An elderly, nearly blind woman hired a lawyer to draft her will. When it was completed, the lawyer charged her one hundred dollars. She handed the lawyer a hundred-dollar bill but failed to notice that a second hundred-dollar bill was stuck to it. Immediately the lawyer realized he was faced with a vital ethical question: "Should I tell my partner?"

** "They all laid their heads together like as many lawyers when they are gettin' ready to prove that a man's heirs ain't got any right to his property"~Mark Twain

** God laughs. "The really good ones didn't just [[Like a Badass Out of Hell|argue their way out of Hell]], they [[Karma Houdini|argued their way straight to Heaven.]]"

* Whether he was an ''evil'' lawyer or not depends on your point of view, I guess; but a Scottish public defender was once overheard telling his client, "Laddie, it's no' my job to get you found innocent; it's my job to make sure your guilt is proven beyond any reasonable doubt."

* A man goes to the doctor and is told that he will die soon. The man on his deathbed asks for his lawyer to be present. When the lawyer arrives he asks his client what legal advice he may need, the man replies that he doesn't need that. When asked why he is here by his side the man responds saying, "Jesus died with a thief by his side, I just wanted to go out the same way."

* A lawyer died in poverty and friends and family decided to collect money for a funeral. One of the persons asked to donate offered twenty times the asked value and told the collectors to bury 20 lawyers.

* A young lawyer died and protested, claiming to be too young to die. Upon verifying the lawyer's claim, St. Peter found out that the lawyer charged his clients by the hour and, according to the number of hours he claimed to have worked for his clients, he was 105 years old.

* Questions lawyers often ask their clients: 1) How much money do you have? 2) Where can you get more? 3) Is there anything you can take from somebody?