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Heard Any Good Jokes Lately?: Difference between revisions
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* A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby." The Doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a gun, he [[Improbable Weapon User|picked up an umbrella by mistake]]. When a [[Everything's Worse With Bears|bear]] suddenly charged at the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it." The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear". The doctor said "My point exactly".
* It was autumn, and the [[Braids, Beads, and Buckskins|Indians]] on the [[Injun Country|reservation]] asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. [[Noble Savage|Raised in the ways of the modern world]], the chief had never been taught the old secrets and has no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter. A few days later, as a practical afterthought, he contacted the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forecasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The chief advised the tribe to stock even more wood. A couple of weeks later, the chief checked in again with the weather service. "Does it still look like a cold winter?" asked the chief. "It sure does," replied the meteorologist. "It looks like a very cold winter." The chief advised the tribe to gather every scrap of wood they could find. [[Rule of Three|A couple of weeks later]], the chief called the Weather Service again and asked how the winter was looking at that point. The meteorologist said "We're now forecasting that it will be one of the coldest winters on record!" "Really!?" said the chief. "How can you be so sure?" The meteorologist replied "[[Magical Native American|The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!]]"
* As you all know, children tend to associate colors with flavors, thanks to artificially flavored candy. A first grade teacher brought a bag of colorless honey-flavored candies to school, and no child could figure out what the flavor was. Teachers says, "I'll give you a hint, it's something your mommy may call your daddy sometimes." A little girl looks shocked and screams, "My God, they're assholes!"
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:: The preacher was quite pleased with this turn of events so he decided to enter the donkey in the race again and this time it won.
{{quote| The newspaper headline the next day read, '''"Preacher's ass out front."'''}}
:: The bishop was rather unhappy that the church was getting [[Stop Helping Me!|this kind of publicity]] so he commanded the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
{{quote| The newspaper headline the next day read, '''"Bishop scratches preacher's ass."'''}}
:: After some careful thought, the preacher agreed to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.
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* A Violist parked his car on 42nd street - leaving his Viola on the back seat - while he ran into a store. Not a smart thing to do in New York City! When he came out he found the side window was smashed, his car stereo ripped out of the dash, his cellular phone was gone ... and there were two Violas on the back seat.
* [Loud party in the background] "Why [[Hello Again, Officer]]... Come on in! When you left an hour ago, I thought you [[The Alcoholic|shaid]] you didn't wanna come back here again tonight!"
* What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
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:: Who's there?
::: Doctor.
:: [[
::: Optional Reply: Precisely.
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* Knock, knock!
:: Who's there?
::: [[Doctor Who
* Knock knock!
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[[Category:Just for Fun]]
[[Category:Heard Any Good Jokes Lately]]
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