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Polish the Turd: Difference between revisions
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So what do you do? You try your best to [[Worse Than It Sounds (Darth Wiki)|make it look better than it is]] and hope that it's effective enough to sell a few million copies.
Incidentally, the ''[[Myth Busters]]'' have proven that you can indeed polish a literal turd to a high shine without resorting to additional coatings if you dry it, pulverize it, reconstitute it and pat it until very smooth. Bless those boys. There's also that giant shiny golden...thing [
<!-- %% The Japanese expression for the Asahi logo is presumably 黄金の糞 / "ogon no kuso", can anyone confirm? -->
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'''Female:''' "Hey, if I buy that shampoo, I'll have a great body like hers!" }}
** Conversely, in visual media, [[Walking Shirtless Scene|buff men]].
{{quote| '''Male:''' "He's wearing just a loincloth, [[Rated "M" for Manly|but he's killing lots of people]], so [[Armoured Closet Gay|I'm more straight for watching it]].<br />
'''Female:''' "He's hot." }}
* [[Crunchtastic|Euphemize, euphemize, euphemize!]] You're not selling a movie ticket, you're selling [[Stock Review Phrases|a riveting, thought-provoking cinematic Tour de Force that will leave you on the edge of your seat!]]<ref>By which we mean it will rivet your jaw open in disbelief; the thoughts it will provoke are "what a terrible movie", "what an incredibly shitty movie", and "No. Just...no."; it's a a tour de force of incredible crap; and it will leave you on the edge of your seat vomiting into your still-full bag of popcorn.</ref> It's not selling white bread, it's potassium-bromate-treated, high-energy LactoFlour produced as per the ancestral Babylonian recipe transmitted from father to son over five millennia (complete with [[All-Natural Snake Oil|all-natural]] Microflora-based leavening agents!), guaranteed to fuel your body for up to eight hours!<ref>By which we mean it's plastic we left in a warehouse in Iraq in 1952 and only just now managed to retrieve thanks to the war. It was in one of Saddam's abandoned nuclear research facilities, so it's technically full of energy. Also, it's been growing mold. ''Bon appetit''.</ref> It's not calorie-laden, it's a great source of energy!<ref>By which we mean that a calorie is a unit of energy--which it is. Not actually being smartasses this time.</ref>
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* [[Quote Mine|"Creatively rearrange"]] negative reviews. Mixed reviews work best for this. Keep the positive bits, and edit out the negative comments.
* Use a back-handed compliment. For example, trailers for ''Blind Side'' in 2010 included the quote "Sandra Bullock's best performance ever!".
* [[Take That, Critics!|Turn on the critics]] who panned your show. This almost never succeeds at making the show actually [[Critic Proof]], but the temptation to try it is often irresistible.
* Sound engineer: "You can't polish a turd..." Lighting engineer: "...but you can [[Kesha|roll it in glitter]]."
* Bribe a critic to write a good review. A somewhat less controversial alternative is to pay a critic to retract a negative review, or not review it at all... [[Not Screened for Critics|Or just don't let them get hold of it]].
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* Claim that it was "Too [positive adjective here] to show in theaters!" when it goes [[Direct to Video]] because no studio will give it the dignity of a theatrical release.
* Pay Jeff Craig from Sixty Second Preview to say something nice about it...although note that it's {{spoiler|a marketing company, not a review publication}}.
** Sony went the extra mile by creating a ''fake'' critic, [
** In all fairness, their other [
* Print "The best film of [the current year]!" on the cover. Don't attribute it. Hope no one notices it isn't actually in quotation marks.
** Bonus points if you do this one in January.
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[[Category:Show Business]]
[[Category:The Shades of Fact]]
[[Category:Polish The Turd]][[Category:Pages with comment tags]]
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