The Alleged Car: Difference between revisions

Paradoxically, in both fiction and sometimes in real life, a person who operates any such alleged vehicle for any length of time can often become quite emotionally attached to it. Sometimes a person gets in touch with all the car's little quirks, such that [[Only I Can Make It Go|only he or she can keep the heap running]].

 

 

If it's a horse that gets this treatment, then you're dealing with [[The Alleged Steed]]. If the car looks like this, but is secretly a [[Cool Car]], see [[What a Piece of Junk!]]. A [[Chronically Crashed Car]] may become one of these if it gets repaired one too many times.

 

== Comics ==

{{quote|'''Insurer''': What model is your car?

'''Archie''': Uh, let's see...It's a Ford, Chevy, Plymouth, Pierce Arrow, Packard, De Soto, Hudson-

* Brad's perpetually worked-on Chevy Nova in ''[[Luann]]''.

* The 1962 VW Microbus Jeremy and Hector are "restoring" in ''[[Zits]]''. It has wildlife living in the engine compartment and creates its own smokescreen as it drives.

* Harold Harold's car in ''[[The Tomb of Dracula]]''.

 

* A common [[Everything Is Big in Texas|Texan joke]] involves a Texan bragging about the size of his ranch by explaining that it takes him all day to drive from his house to the end of his property, getting the reply "Yeah, I've had a car like that too..."

* "Once you start driving a Toyota, you won't be able to stop." It certainly doesn't help that their motto is "moving ''forward''".

* Jeremy Hotz's routine about his diesel-powered Chevette with a trailer hitch.

* "How do you get a Yugo up to 60 mph? Push it off a cliff."

* [[Bill Cosby]]'s bit from his 'Why is There Air' album about his first car, a 1942 Dodge he bought for $75, which wouldn't go over 50 mph.

* Scott Faulconbridge had a routine where he talked about his car. It was worth about twenty bucks. After he filled it with gas.

 

 

** A third main character, Anathema Device, has an Alleged ''Bicycle'' possibly made of drainpipes. All three vehicles get better over the course of the book. Anathema's bicycle and Newton's Wasabi get ''better than new'', with the Wasabi gaining ridiculous gas mileage and its warning system changing to pleasant-voiced haikus.

* ''[[American Gods]]'' has a ton of bad (and bad-smelling) cars.

** There's also "a lumbering and ancient Winnebago, which smelled non-specifically but pervasively and unmistakably of male cat".

** An a 1970 VW bus that "smelled of patchouli, of old incense and of rolling tobacco."

** Shadow also ends up buying another vehicle that is painted (poorly) a very ugly shade of purple. It's described as a color that a person would only choose while under the influence of many drugs.

* [[Jasper Fforde]]:

* ''[[Green Acres]]'':

** Not a car per se, but Oliver's Hoyt-Clagwell tractor should count.

* Steve Urkel's Isetta "microcar" on ''[[Family Matters]]''

{{quote|'''Steve:''' Boy, I'm glad I paid the extra four dollars for that sunroof!}}

** The presenters build their own alleged car in one episode: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfNfwNWWphI Hammerhead Eagle i-Thrust], an electric vehicle that, despite being a death trap, is fully street legal. It even got a proper review in ''Autocar''; which noted that there were two ways it could take a corner: sliding out of control, or sliding out of control backwards.

** One episode features the creations of the British Leyland company. James May's actually does fairly well; Jeremy Clarkson's... loses a door. ''Twice.''

*** Richard got very attached to the car he bought in the Botswana episode; [[I Call It Vera|he dubbed it "Oliver"]] and took it with him back home to England; when the car was in a later episode put under threat, he forfeited the challenge. (It's actually an exception: while dirt cheap and bought in Botswana it survived totally unmodified and only broke down once because Hammond accidentally sank it in a river. It's a 1963 Opel Kadett A, if you're wondering.)

** The Budget Supercar special has a ton of these. Clarkson's Maserati Merak lost when its engine actually ''disintegrated'' into a fine cloud of metal bits. Richard's Ferrari<ref>'''Jeremy:''' It's not a Ferrari!</ref> from the same episode had all the engine electronics fail; James' Lamborghini kept running out of electricity, though it WAS the only car that actually ran out of fuel rather than fail. However, following the episode, the Lamborghini was bought by a supercar enthusiast who restored it to working condition, and Richard restored the Ferrari himself; meanwhile, Jeremy's Maserati was so far gone that it had to be broken up for scrap, so it definitely wins the Alleged Car crown for the episode.

** Top Gear once arranged a ''[[Pimp My Ride]]'' episode to turn a Lada into a Lotus.

'''Kelly:''' Why, did you hit it?

'''Cowboy:''' No. I'm just sorry about. }}

* Most cars on ''[[The Red Green Show]]''. Many of these were repurposed on the "Handyman's Corner" segment. For instance, [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh5XVPSx9Dk in this clip] two alleged cars were combined to make [[Blatant Lies|a luxury mid-engine car]]. Red's own Possum Van was a prime example. Numerous references were made to the crappy cars driven by many of the other Lodge members, to the point where one of the books written by the show's creators noted that having an "old car that barely runs" pretty much confirms its driver as a member of Possum Lodge.

** Another episode, on the Handyman's Corner, showed Red cutting two cars in half and interconnecting the steering to make a car with front and rear steering. It actually moved several feet.

{{quote|'''The Master:''' Overweight, underpowered museum piece... Might as well try to fly a second hand gas stove.}}

* The Ghostmobile MK-I as seen in ''The Ghost Busters''. It's a 1929 Willys Whippet that always has something wrong with it (usually the brakes).

* The whorehouse-on-wheels in ''[[Tin Man (TV series)|Tin Man]]'' that Cain "borrows" from DeMilo to get [[True Companions|DG, Glitch, Raw and himself]] to the North from "Central City." It breaks down in the middle of a snowstorm, then probably suffered a permanent breakdown {{spoiler|after getting Glitch and Cain back to the Witch's Tower}}, since it is never seen again.

* One of the "contestants" on the fifth season of ''Canada's Worst Driver'' was nominated for owning ''several'' Alleged Cars. He proudly declared having never paid more than 400$ for a car.

* In ''[[I Love Lucy]]'', Fred is put in charge with buying a blue Cadillac convertible. The first tip-off is that he bought it for $300.

* The Bluth Company's stair-car from ''[[Arrested Development (TV series)|Arrested Development]]''. While it runs perfectly well, it's slow, very large (wrecking banners and signs suspended high up); hitchhikers hop onto the back of the car whenever it stops, and the driver has to start braking several minutes before they need to get to a full stop.

* Greg's first car in ''[[The Brady Bunch]]''.

* On ''[[Red Dwarf]]'':

* On ''[[Saturday Night Live]]'', Seth Meyers quipped: "A highway safety spokesman said that if you have a Toyota, you should just stop driving it. Toyota owners said 'We're trying!'"

* ''[[The Now Show]]'' talked about how they're saving money with the high-speed rail connection from London to Scotland by running it from London to Birmingham and having Toyota supply the brakes.

* Barney Fife buys an alleged car (with a transmission full of sawdust) from an alleged sweet little old lady on ''[[The Andy Griffith Show]]''.

* ''[[Saturday Night Live]]'' also gave us the parody ad featuring ''The Adobe''. "The sassy new Mexican import that's made out of clay!"

== Music ==

* Adam Sandler's "Ode To My Car" is a [[Cluster F-Bomb|profanity-laced]] Rastafari-esque ballad with a chorus of "Piece of shit car".

* Sir Mix-a-Lot (he who cannot lie about liking big butts) has a track called "[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkvq-20sC0U My Hooptie]."

* "Two Ton Paperweight" by Psychostick.

{{quote|''My. Car. Is a '''PIECE OF SHIT!!'''

* "My Chevette" by Audio Adrenaline.

{{quote|''Zero-to-60: sometimes.''}}

* Then there's the parody Christmas Carol based on "Jingle Bells", [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50IgzksUqpQ "Rusty Chevrolet"] by [[Da Yoopers]].

{{quote|''Bouncing through the snowdrifts,

People laugh as I drive by,

''I wonder what's the joke?'' }}

{{quote|''When things are looking good there's always complications,

I can't be with you so I'm at the railway station'' }}

Well, I'm gonna tell you 'bout the car that I now own.

Well it doesn't go nowhere, it just stays all alone.'' }}

* [[Weird Al]] Yankovic's car in "Stop Dragging My Car Around".

* The guys at [[Car Talk]] have been collecting these for some time now. [http://www.shamelesscommerce.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=ROADSONGS Have a look.]

The wipers don't work and the horn don't blow

But there ain't nothin' wrong with the radio'' }}

* ''One Piece At A Time'' by [[Johnny Cash]] is a variation: He's put together a Cadillac by collecting parts over more than a decade. The car looks very strange by the time he's done; how it ''runs'' is not stated.

* The 1957 Chevy pickup truck from the C.W. McCall song (which is really more of recitation set to music) "Classified":

* The second line in "Beverly Hills" by [[Weezer]].

{{quote|"My automobile is a piece of crap."}}

** The chorus thranslates roughly to:

{{quote|Carcacha, go step by step, don't stop "limping" forward.

* Subverted in ''[[Warhammer 40000|Warhammer 40,000]]'': anything the Orks build or salvage will be the alleged buggy, but thanks to the crude-but-effective nature of Ork tech [[Clap Your Hands If You Believe|combined with the fact]] that [[Xtreme Kool Letterz|red wunz go fasta]] means that they're surprisingly serviceable.

* ''[[Chez Geek]]'' from Steve Jackson Games includes, as one of the things you can spend your money on, a card representing "Harold the Hoopty Car". It's worth a lot of Slack (points), but it's very expensive, reduces your effective Income for each turn by 1, and every turn it has a one-in-six chance of breaking down beyond repair.

 

 

* In ''[[Scary Go Round]]'', Esther de Groot drives [http://www.scarygoround.com/sgr/ar.php?date=20080916 a car like this].

{{quote|'''Esther:''' "I have a surprise for you," says my dad. "You know [[wikipedia:Volkswagen Beetle|that car Hitler liked so much]]? I made you one out of rust."}}

* Eric Remington's, as seen in [http://bukucomics.com/loserz/go/200 this strip] of ''[[Loserz]]''.

* In ''[[Drive (webcomic)|Drive]]'', the Machito is one of these, until the Emperor has it upgraded.

* The Rambler on ''[[Life With Louie]]''.

* ''[[Wacky Races]]'' has a [[Cool Car]] or two but mostly ridiculous cars.

** Mumbly, a clone of ''[[Wacky Races]]'''s Muttley, is a parody of ''Columbo'' right down to the car which literally fell apart into a pile whenever he parked it.

* ''[[The Venture Brothers]]'' has Henchman #24's powder blue Nissan Stanza.

* The five-part ''[[DuckTales]]'' that introduces Gizmoduck sees Scrooge and Launchpad acquire an alleged ''spaceship''.

{{quote|'''Salvation Armed Forces Employee:''' We only received one car donation today, and it was not in drivable condition.

'''Dan:''' Yes! That's the one! }}

** The [[wikipedia:Austin Allegro|Austin Allegro]], one of the more popular cars from British Leyland, would later become one of its most infamous. Aside from including the lax standards of quality control of typical 1970s British-built cars, it had a squared-off steering wheel and was more aerodynamic going backwards than forwards. The [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/2730673/Model-ideas-some-highs-and-lows.html?image=2 Daily Telegraph wrote] that "the most charitable explanation for how this car entered production is that it was part of a successful Communist plot to destroy Britain's motor industry."

** Many British Leyland cars exported to America - most notably Jaguars - were typically fitted with Lucas Industries electric components that were prone to malfunctioning. This led to Lucas being nicknamed the "Prince of Darkness" in America.

*** "Lucas invented the three position switch -- dim, flicker, and off."

** Another notable example was the Triumph TR7, and not necessarily for reliability reasons. Auto designer Giorgetto Giugiaro — who created the bodywork for iconic cars like the Lotus Esprit, De Lorean DMC-12, Maserati Ghibli and Volkswagen Golf — had a memorable reaction upon seeing Triumph's notoriously ugly TR7 during the 1975 Geneva Motor Show. After viewing the profile of the car, with the sculpted curve running along the side, he took on a puzzled expression, slowly walked around the car and exclaimed in startlement: "My God! They've done it to the other side as well!"

** As a further illustration of the incompetence of American auto manufacturers of the time, the exploding gas tank was not a problem until the ''second year'' of production. The first production year automobiles were perfectly safe; which makes sense, since most of the car was by Lotus, with a Ford body dropped on it. It wasn't until 1972, when they started doing everything themselves, that the problems started. Interestingly, the problems that plagued the Pinto did not necessarily translate to the Mercury Bobcat or Ford Mustang 2; both of which were nothing more than a modified Pinto chassis with a different body dropped on top.

* The [http://www.carlustblog.com/2009/02/chevrolet-chevy-citation.html 1980 Chevy Citation] and its Pontiac, Oldsmobile, and Buick derivatives, intended as GM's world-beating answer to the Honda Accord, was instead a world-beating mashup of poor engineering and atrocious build quality. Among its many flaws were over-enthusiastic rear brakes that would lock up and cause an "atomic death-skid" at the slightest provocation. [[Unfortunate Implications|Having the same name as a term for a parking ticket probably didn't help, either.]]

** With Honda motorcycles you can occasionally encounter the 'Friday Afternoon Design': a part from one model that ''almost'' fits earlier or later models, but is subtly different for no apparent reason.

** This typifies the whole post-war British car industry, resulting in Morgan being the only remaining wholly national car company, the rest either having gone under or being bought out.

* [[wikipedia:Devrim|Devrim]], the first Turkish-produced car, had this reputation although it was the result of a botched public display rather than a genuine fault with the car. Four prototypes were built and two were brought to the capital for display. The engineers left the fuel tanks mostly empty for safety while the cars were transported. So, when the then-President Cemal Gürsoy got in one of the cars to drive around the Parliament, the car only went for a hundred meters [[Crowning Moment of Funny|before stopping]]. The other car, now fully fueled, was brought and driven around with no trouble but the damage was already done and the newspapers had a field day mocking the hell out of the car's performance. Its successor, Anadol, had better luck and became fairly popular in the following years until being discontinued in 1991.

* [[wikipedia:Folkrace|Folkrace]] is a Scandinavian pastime, resembling rallycross, but with participating vehicles required to be The Alleged Car. This is enforced by a rule disqualifying any racer who refuses to sell their car for the fixed price of 6500 SEK (approximately $1000 US).

* Thanks to some incidents involving malfunctioning gas pedals, Toyota's cars have started to take on this reputation, putting a huge black mark on their once world-class record for reliability. The nature of the problems has also caused their slogan, "Moving Forward," to become [[Funny Aneurysm Moment|a bit uncomfortable]]. Though [[Only in America]].

* Fords with cruise control have an ongoing issue that causes them to spontaneously combust when sitting idle without being on.

* In Russia, Alleged Cars are still commonly called "Antilopa Gnus" [[wikipedia:Lada|What]] [[wikipedia:Volga (automobile)|does it]] [[wikipedia:ZAZ|take to]] [[wikipedia:Moskvitch|stand out]] as an Alleged Car in Russia? Those, for all their shortcomings, at least were the popular production models, with parts widely available, and their simple and sturdy construction meant that everybody and their dog could fix them anywhere.

* The Hispanias in the 2011 season Formula One, compared to the rest of the cars in the series, definately count as this.

* In China, the worst are the Xiali (based on a Toyota design) and Suzuki Alto, two of the first to enter market. The latter is often joked to have been designed to drive on sidewalks. The former is joked for its design's 2-decade production without major change.

* The Lancia Beta, which rusted to point of scrap, ruined the reputation of Lancia (a manufacturer of otherwise decent cars) in the United Kingdom, forcing the company to pull out of the UK entirely, much to the chagrin of ''[[Top Gear]]'''s presenters years later.

** The [http://www.carlustblog.com/2009/02/cimarron-by-cadillac-19811988.html 1982 Cadillac Cimarron]: An alleged luxury car -- basically a rebadged, 4-speed manual transmission Chevy Cavalier sold at Cadillac prices. Nearly killed the Cadillac brand and remains an [[Old Shame]].

* The Czechoslovak Velorex company is quite a name in motorcycle sidecars. They also built something that [http://abc.se/~m9805/eastcars/velorex/Velorex_250.jpg might be described as a car], but which is basically a motorcycle sidecar without the motorcycle. If you've looked at the pic and are unsure about what the bodywork is made of: yes, that's actually ''vinyl-coated canvas'' over steel tubing. The frame is attached to what is effectively the rear end of a motorcycle with a 125cc or 250cc two-stroke single-cylinder engine (later models had a 250cc twin) driving the single rear wheel. [[Top Gear|Tiff Needell]] took one for a spin once, and reported, yelling over the din of the engine that "braking is accomplished by writing a letter politely asking to reduce your speed, oh, sometime next week".

* The [http://www.maserati-alfieri.co.uk/alfieri33.htm Chrysler TC by Maserati].

* Arguably one of the most famous examples, the DeLorean DMC-12. Despite the Lotus Esprit inspired design and gullwing doors, the car's production run seemed to be cursed from the word go. To elaborate: the factory was located in Dunmurry (a suburb in Belfast), Northern Ireland (bear in mind that this was in 1978, and it was placed [[The Troubles|right on a religious fault line]]; word is the factory had one entrance for Catholics and one for Protestants). Making matters worse alongside budget over runs, engineering hassles and production delays was the fact that almost all the workers had never had a job in their lives, much less one producing cars. the inevitable quality control problems that resulted from this were so bad that despite each car having a 12-month/20,000km warranty, many dealerships refused to carry out any work on them because they weren't being reimbursed.<br /><br />To add insult to injury, far from being the thinking man's supercar its creator envisioned it to be, the DMC-12's performance was quite lacklustre, due to it being the victim of a watering down campaign. It was originally meant to have a rear-mounted rotary engine but this was changed to a mid-mounted 2.8 litre V6 due to fuel consumption concerns, however the change in powerplant reduced performance (it was initialy figured to have 150kw of power, but the changes resulted in the car only making 110kw in 'dirty' euro trim, the US version was an even sorrier 95kw due to requirements for catalytic converters and other emissions controls) and had a knock-on effect on the cars' already less than perfect 35:65 front/rear weight distribution. In the end the DMC-12 was too slow and sluggish to convince anybody it was the real deal, and allegations that John DeLorean had taken to drug smuggling in order to pay the bills were the final nail in the DMC-12's coffin.

* Dave Grohl told on how he and [[Kurt Cobain]] tried to drive from Seattle to Los Angeles (where they'd record [[Nirvana]]'s ''Nevermind'') in Kurt's old car. Throughout the entire journey, the car overheated to the point that needed a pause, making them quit as they just reached Oregon. So they drove back (as Krist Novoselic had rented a van to do the trip), making sure to stop at a quarry to stone the car in anger.

* The early '80's Cadillacs were saddled with the 8-6-4 engine which used a crude cylinder deactivation system, or the [[Genre Killer]] Diesel 350, which left buyers with a choice of buying a car that would leap and shake or one that wouldn't start if it was near freezing temperatures.

* Yahoo automotive contributor Tim Cernea has several of these stories, the most tropeworthy being his [http://voices.yahoo.com/the-best-car-ever-owned-11309842.html?cat=27 1965 Ford Falcon Ranchero.] In true handyman fashion, he described the car losing its fuel tank on the highway as "a minor setback".

* The G-Wiz is a very tiny electric car. Ok, technically it is legally a "Heavy Quadbike" in Britain for it's extreme lack of power. It has extremely poor acceleration, you can't use any of the electronics such as the radio, since it will kill the G-Wiz's very small battery life, and basically disintegrates in a crash.