The Eye of Argon: Difference between revisions

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Described as "the worst fantasy novella ever", ''[http://ansible.co.uk/misc/eyeargon.html The Eye Of Argon]'' by Jim Theis, who was 16 when he wrote it, is the tale of Grignr, a foul-mouthed barbarian warrior who is trying to escape the dungeons of [[Evil Overlord]] Agaphim and rescue a young woman named Carthena from a pagan cult who want to sacrifice her to their idol - a statue with one eye called "The Eye of Argon" (a "scarlet emerald", complete with some interesting plumbing).

* [[Fat Bastard]] - Agaphim.

* [[Fate Worse Than Death]] - Agafnd persuades Agaphim that sentencing Grignr to a life of slave labor would be more of a punishment than being tortured to death.

* [[Fiery Redhead]] - Grignr.

* [[Gorn]] - Grignr takes a quarter of a chapter to rip a rat in half, and no grody detail is spared.

* [[Green Eyed Red Head]] - Grignr.

* [[Groin Attack]]

* [[Heroes Want Redheads]] - Grignr falls for Carthena.

* [[Hooker with a Heart of Gold]] - Carthena turns out to be the prostitute who serviced at the start of the story.

* [[Moral Dissonance]] - Grignr and Carthena both exhibit this in spades.

* [[Noble Savage]] - Gringr claims to be one, although by this point in the story he's gone out of his way to steal a petty bauble.

* [[No Ending]] - The most widely-circulated copy of the story ends abruptly during Grignr's final battle. Some people continue to believe that this is how the original version actually ended.

* [[Produce Pelting]] - Agaphim is "often assaulted by hurtling stones and rotting fruits" when he leaves his palace.

* [[The Stoner]] - The illustration on Page 32 of the facsimile (presumably of Agaphim the evil prince) shows him smoking something that looks like a joint.

* [[Talking Is a Free Action]]

* [[Thong of Shielding]] - Grignr wears a G-string. How it manages to have folds is anyone's guess.

* [[Thud and Blunder]] - An example of the depths that this subgenre can sink to.

* [[Vampiric Draining]] - The blob at the end sucks blood like a leech.

* [[Vomit Indiscretion Shot]] -

* [[Wanton Cruelty to the Common Comma]]

* [[What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?]] - The following describes Grignr's wine being kicked over:

** He also spends about six long sentences describing a guy falling over after being [[Groin Attack|kicked in the crotch]].

* [[Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe]] - "sayeth the king" would be correct, except that it's the wrong tense.

 

* [[Fate Worse Than Death]] - The straight lines from the original story is not left un-riffed. It happens so frequently it's lampshaded.

'''Crow''': Insert joke about having to read THE EYE OF ARGON here. }}

* [[Heroic BSOD]] - The abrupt, non-existent ending leaves Crow utterly broken, and the others are forced to leave him behind in the theater. [http://keithpalmer.ca/mst3k/favourites/book-ads.txt Fortunately], he recovers.

* [[Magic: The Gathering]] - "Tor Giant?"

* [[MST]] - [http://www.bmsc.washington.edu/people/merritt/books/Eye_of_Argon.html One of the classics], written by [[Adam Cadre]] in 1996.

'''Crow''': ''Hold me.'' }}

* [[Running Gag]] -

'''Mike''': "Let's not jump to conclusions." }}

** And anytime the word "slut" is used:

** And the first few times Grignr's name is mentioned, Tom remarks on the absurdity of his name ([[Wheel of Fortune|"I'd like to buy a vowel!"]]). [[Overused Running Gag|Then the others persuade him he's getting tiresome, and he stops]].

*** And, also:

'''Mike''': Vesuvius! [a different mountain each time] }}

** And ''also''...

'''Mike''': "Albert's cousin from [American state]." }}

** This message brought to you by the Booze Council.

*** Later replaced by the Death Council.

** And ''also'' also...

'''Tom''': --a 17-year-old Senate page. }}

*** There are also repeated references to Clarence Thomas.

** And more also...

** And [[Overly Long Gag|more]] ''[[Overly Long Gag|also]]''...

'''Mike''': When I think of [character trait], I think of three names: [two noted names in the field of said trait], Grignr. }}

** "You tell me, you're the writer!"