Frickin' Laser Beams: Difference between revisions

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{{quote|"''You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have [[Everything's Even Worse with Sharks|sharks]] with '''[[Trope Namer|frickin' laser beams]]''' [[Weaponized Animal|attached to their heads]]! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here.''"|'''Dr. Evil''', ''[[Austin Powers]]: International Man of Mystery''}}

{{quote|''"Cooool! You mean I actually have frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads?!"''|'''Dr. Evil''', a few movies later.}}

There actually are "real lasers" in weapons research and development -- likedevelopment—like the [[wikipedia:Boeing YAL-1|Airborne Laser]] and [[wikipedia:Tactical High Energy Laser|THEL]]. These lasers are supposed to burn through targets (like missiles) and cause their fuel/warhead to explode or their airframe to disintegrate when it hits, although this is also a continuous beam and requires some time to work. Solid-state pulsed lasers are also in development, which fire bursts of energy and are lighter than fluid-based lasers, but harder to cool. Not to mention that the heat from a powerful laser wouldn't just burn through clothing or make a neat, bloodless, pin-sized hole. There's a common misconception that laser beams cauterize wounds, but real laser wounds are every bit as bloody as knife wounds. It can also cause the water in the body to boil, expand and rip the surrounding tissues apart, much like a high velocity bullet impact. There are also electrolasers under development, which ionize the air so that electric current can be sent along the beam's path. Ironically, all of these characteristics make lasers far more effective as weapons than their portrayal in most fiction, which is in fact the main reason that the military is developing them in the first place. It's also probably the main reason we're not likely to see realistic laser weapons in children's shows.

For those keeping score, the title of this trope comes from an otherwise unrelated line in the first ''[[Austin Powers]]'' movie. For ''really frickin '''big''''' laser beams, see [[Wave Motion Gun]]. For real handguns [[Bowdlerise|Bowdlerised]]d into energy guns, see [[Family-Friendly Firearms]]. If it's [[Raygun Gothic]], it's probably a [[Death Ray]]. When such weapons are used [[Spam Attack|excessively]], see [[Beam Spam]]. Often overlaps with [[Hand Blast]] for the user's convenience.

** Also, the main way beam weapons destroy ships is by overheating the entire target ship past their capacity to vent (instead of causing localized damage as with all the other weapons systems) until it blows up from said heat.

* You'd think that a series like ''[[One Piece]]'' would be void of any beams of the sort, but through [[Light Is Not Good|the powers of one of]] [[The Government|The World Government's]] [[Light Is Not Good|three Marine admirals]], and technology 500 years ahead of the current time, even pirates can face off against [[Frickin' Laser Beams]].

* ''[[Super Atragon]]'': The enemy gigantic black cylinders' [[Wave Motion Gun|powerful laser shots]]; bonus points for the "gravity lens<ref> a giant orange ring</ref>" that bends the lasers, aiming them at targets.

* The blasters of ''[[Star Wars]]'' are not actually lasers ([[Retcon|retconnedretcon]]ned into plasma-casters) and neither are the [[Laser Blade|lightsabers]], nor the ship-to-ship turbolasers, nor the Death Star's superlaser. That said, ''[[Attack of the Clones]]'' shows off some lasers that do act like lasers, a constant beam that appears just about instantly.

* Not long after ''[[Goldfinger]]'', the [[Mad Scientist]] in ''[[Help!]]'' had his flunky turn a laser on the Beatles...but seconds later a fuse blows. The flunky stammers "...wrong plug. Just give me five minutes..."

** However, as portrayed through all ''Star Trek'' series, Phasers are not actually lasers but phased particle beams (called nadions) that occasionally look like lasers. [[Word of God]] is that [[Gene Roddenberry]] realized shortly into TOS that people who saw the show in 20 years would say "Lasers don't do that" and retconned all weapons into "phasers" instead (after briefly toying with calling them "Lasser" [sic] weapons, presumably after a hypothetical inventor).

** The ''[[Godzilla]]'' franchise also sported freezing lasers. Large weapons mounted on vehicles fired blue laser beams that would lower the temperature of the target hit to several thousand degrees below 0&nbsp;°C, creating ice even out of thin air (presumably the water in the air freezing). Note that this does not happen anywhere else along the laser beam, not even on the gun's muzzle. Ice crystals should be forming along the whole length of the beam, causing a a cold fog to fall along it, but this doesn't happen.

* In Disney's ''[[Condorman]]'', the hero's [[Cool Boat]] comes equipped with a small turret-mounted laser cannon. Oddly, the non-instantaneous beams it fires do indeed [[Reflecting Laser|reflect off of water]] -- choppy—choppy ocean water. In order to accept it, you pretty much need to be working on [[Rule of Cool]].

* Subverted in ''[[Toy Story (franchise)|Toy Story]]'': "It's not a laser! It's a light bulb that blinks!"

* Laser weapons in ''[[Artemis Fowl]]'' are considered obsolete -- theobsolete—the Lower Elements Police long ago switched to the more powerful and flexible neutrino weapons (which can be used as a [[Stun Guns|Stun Gun]] or to make precise cuts in a material)). {{spoiler|[[Rock Beats Laser|As a result, it's been years since LEP suits were made laser-proof]]... which turns out ''very bad'' when a [[The Chessmaster|Chessmaster]] arms some disgruntled goblin triads with lasers and disables all neutrino weapons in Haven}}. The obsolete "softnose" lasers work by using an inhibitor to slow the beam down and increase power, justifying the trope.

* Sam in [[Gone (novel)]] seems to have this as his main [[Light'Em Up|light power]], although he can also make regular, non-lethal light as well.

* In the [[Adaptation Displacement|obscure picture book]] [[Shrek]], Shrek uses his microwave vision to cook a pheasant.

* ''[[Stargate SG-1]]'' takes this over the top. The beam weapons of the Ori Motherships are so ridiculously slow that any ship can easily dodge them, while Humans railguns (and machine guns) are almost instant traveling, of course.

* Not only are the blasts of the [[V (TV series)||Visitors']] sidearms slow enough to dodge, if you're in good shape you could probably ''outrun'' them.

** The GROPOS use [[Magnetic Weapons|railguns]], PPG only get used when they have to worry about accidental damage like being on a ship or station like Babylon 5.

* The 1980s television show ''[[Buck Rogers in Thethe 25th Century]]'' has the characters using hand-held laser guns that fire a visible light laser that is a continuous beam that is instantaneous...although it still makes the 'zap' sounds.

* In [[Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|the original ''[[Battlestar Galactica Classic]]'']], both the hand-held guns and the viper-mounted guns were "lasers". The little [[Color Coded for Your Convenience|red or blue]] bolts they fired travelled with visible slowness.

* If you dare, watch "The Return of the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman," in which the newest operative of the OSI undergoes bionic augmentation. ''His'' frickin' laser beam--inbeam—in his eye, of course--cancourse—can [[Did Not Do the Research|stun!]]

* Japanese [[Girl Group]] [[Perfume (band)|Perfume]] has a song called "レーザービーム" <ref> Laser Beam</ref>

* Clerics in 4e [[Dungeons and& Dragons]] like to shoot these.

* In ''[[Warhammer 4000040,000]]'', the [[Redshirt Army|Imperial Guards]]' standard "lasguns" are the ''weakest'' of all guns actively used by the series' factions, and even then they can blow body parts off. How realistically the weapons are portrayed varies.

** Lascannons and other larger laser weaponry are generally portrayed more realistically, although the beam is usually visible (which would only happen with lots of dust in the air -- whichair—which, granted, is a fairly common battlefield condition).

** 40k also has plasma weapons, which are typically depicted as behaving more like particle beams -- firingbeams—firing discrete bolts of magnetically contained plasma (essentially, tiny stars) at a range comparable to an assault rifle (and color-coded in ''[[Dawn of War]]'', with blueish for imperial forces and red for Chaos). Curiously, 40k also has ''melta'' weapons, which behave closer to how a "real" plasma weapon would: they fire an extremely short-ranged column of super-hot petrochemical vapor, designed to melt through armored targets. In a token nod to realism, melta weapons are more common and easier to build and maintain than plasma weapons are in the Imperium.

** ''Electro''lasers actually fire [[Shock and Awe|balls of lightning]], using the laser to make it go where you want it to. These work a lot more like conventional weapons--orweapons—or blasters.

* ''[[Rifts]]'' does better than most in this regard. The books state in more than one instance that laser weapons do not make a sound, apart from the click of the trigger being pulled. However, they remark that many buyers ''[[Reality Is Unrealistic|want]]'' [[Reality Is Unrealistic|laser guns that go "pew pew,"]] so a lot of companies include sound effect-generating noisemakers in their guns, which can be turned off if the user decides. Laser guns are also more accurate than other energy weapons, presumably because they have no recoil. Plasma weapons are also a common form of [[BFG]], both in the classic bolt ejectors and even the more realistic plasma flamethrower. Plasma is also a common warhead type for missiles.

* The focus laser from [[Battle Machines]]. if it hits, it will keep on hitting, its like a ranged chainsaw.

* In the DLC of ''[[BioshockBioShock (series)]]'' 2 Minerva's Den, the new Big Daddy "The Lancer'' uses one called an Ion Laser. You are also able to use one, as well as the security bots now use them.

* Averted in ''[[Unreal Tournament 2004]]'' in the Lightning Gun. It is not a laser weapon at all, but rather a sophisticated weapon that shoots electricity. Description of the Lightning Gun from the GameSpy [https://web.archive.org/web/20131020125032/http://planetunreal.gamespy.com/View.php?view=UT2003GameInfo.Detail&id=8&game=5 Weapons Guide:] "Once the target has been acquired, the operator depresses the trigger, painting a proton ?patch? on the target. Milliseconds later the rifle emits a high voltage arc of electricity, which seeks out the charge differential and annihilates the target."

* ''[[X-COM]]'' has lasers, which are slower than light and pulse, but are impossible to dodge -- ondodge—on account of being in a [[Turn-Based Strategy]] game.

* The Brotherhood of Nod in ''[[Command and& Conquer]]'' is in ''love'' with laser weapons, with everything from laser rifles and laser tanks or their iconic Obelisk of Light. GDI, on the other hand, just uses conventional cannons--''very, very large'' conventional cannons.

** Then there's ''Red Alert''. In ''Red Alert 2'' and ''[[Command and& Conquer: Red Alert 3]]'', the Allies were in love with laser weapons. While many people believe the Empire loves them too, [[Did Not Do the Research|this is wrong]]. The Empire uses Particle Accelerators and Superheated Slugs. The only lasers in Red Alert 3 are of the [[Laser Sight]] kind.

** The first-person shooter ''[[Command and& Conquer]]: Renegade'' has perhaps one of the most realistic instances of lasers. They are instant, they fire in short pulses (with gattling lasers being able to saturate the target more), and their blooming effect causes the air to be translucent rather than opaque. Perhaps one of the few unrealistic effects of the laser is that on Easy mode, auto-aiming will cause the lasers to turn slightly from a direct line to hit targets.

** There is also "Flash beam" weapon in Battlezone 2 (for some reason available only in mutliplayer, along with several other weapons), which fires a (nearly) constant beam of concentrated microwaves, damaging target by extreme heat.

* Space sims vary somewhat, usually for gameplay reasons more than anything else -- forelse—for shooters, players are expected to have to lead their targets in addition to lining them up, so nearly everything is a (pretty) projectile, lasers included. [[4X]] games vary, since the player isn't the one doing the lining up and shooting.

** A different kind of space sim, the [[4X]] game ''[[Master of Orion]] II'' used lasers as its most basic ship-mounted beams -- bigbeams—big red beams, of course. They traveled as quickly as every other beam, and only traveled instantaneously with the "continuous" upgrade, which several other weapons could also use.

** ''Undefined Fantastic Object'' adds Shou Toramaru, whose entire ''theme'' seems to be [[Frickin' Laser Beams]]. She uses her magic for such niceties as slow accelerating lasers, spinning laser crosses, ''lasers that curve in midair to hit you''...

* ''[[EveEVE Online]]'' has lasers, used primarily by the ships of the Amarr Empire. ''EVE'' lasers are visible as solid beams, but do strike the target instantly.

* Even ''[[Castlevania]]'' is not free from this trope, despite all but two of the games taking place pre-scifi. Orlox and the Nova Skeletons in ''Symphony of the Night'', Joachim in ''Lament of Innocence'' (and how!), those wall-eyeball things in ''Bloodlines'' -- even—even '''Dracula''' gets in on it in ''Castlevania III'' (with more [[Beam Spam]] for your buck in the American version than the Japanese... [[Nintendo Hard]] indeed) and ''Curse of Darkness'', and that's all before Soma gets his hands on the beam gun-type weapon in ''Aria of Sorrow''. Wheeee!

* The ''[[Fallout]]'' games feature laser weaponry in the mid- to late game areas. In the first two games, they're not terribly effective since even plain metal armour reduces laser damage by 75%. On the other hand, the laser weapons family does include a [[Gatling Good|Gatling Laser]].

** One of [[Final Fantasy VIII|Quistis]]'s [[Limit Break|Limit Breaks]]s is actually called [[Exactly What It Says on the Tin|Laser Eye]].

** [[Final Fantasy III|Cloud of Darkness]] in ''[[Dissidia Final Fantasy]]'' constantly fires off laser beams and energy blasts of various types for her attacks, but they're called "Particle Beams", not lasers. In the same game [[Final Fantasy IV|Golbez]] both averts the trope and plays it straight -- Gravitystraight—Gravity System, Float System and Sector Ray fire out continuous lasers that appear instantly, but Attack System fires out a barrage of small laser projectiles.

* The Falken and Morgan superjets from the ''[[Ace Combat]]'' series mount laser weaponry. However they act more like [[Laser Blade|Laser Blades]]s, as a beam is "pumped" continuously for a short period that can be swept around to cut enemies up. The Excalibur superweapon mounts a similar laser "blade", only [[Memetic Mutation|Xbox hueg]]. The unenhanced Meson Cannon fires "pulse" lasers, whereas the MBSR-enhanced version creates what are best described as large laser tripwires.

* There's an arcade [[Shoot 'Em Ups|shoot-em-upUp]] called ''[[Strikers 1945]].'' As the title suggests, it ostensibly takes place during [[World War II]]. You have a choice of six or so planes to fly against the ostensible Axis powers. I say ostensibly because the only thing I've ever noticed about the game, even while ''playing'' it, is that ''these are WWII-era planes in 1945 shooting [[Frickin' Laser Beams]] at transforming [[Humongous Mecha]].'' A clear adherence to the [[Rule of Cool]] if I've ever seen it.

* [[Mega Man 2|Quick Man's]] [[That One Level/Platform Game|stage]] [[Nintendo Hard|says]] [[Cluster F-Bomb|hi]].

* Several games in the ''[[Nineteen Forty Two1942]]'' series have lasers. ''In [[World War II]].''

* The Kha'ak in the [[X (video game)|X]] series use this as their only weapons. It makes it suicidal to attack the with a smaller ship or missiles.

* ''[[Portal 2]]'' features the [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFRbGppLaUI "Thermal Discouragement Beam"]. It behaves exactly like a real laser save for being highly visible, passes through glass, and can be redirected with "Discouragement Redirection Cubes". It's also one of only two ways (in the player's control) to actually destroy a turret, but it's surprisingly non-fatal when the player touches it -- itit—it won't kill you but it hurts enough that you can't simply walk through it.

* ''[[Little Big PlanetLittleBigPlanet]] 2'' has the creatinator power-up which can fire different kinds of elemental lasers among other things.

** Actually, they are not. The Soldier gains something more reminiscent of plasma weaponry; one, those are clearly not light-based weapons, and two, they do not reach their target instantly.

* ''[[Star Ruler]]'' has lasers as a weapon choice. They use continuous beams, are instant-hit and do not need ammo, unlike kinetics. It gets ridiculous when you research them to where their range is measurable in AU (~[[8 light-minutes/~]]500 light-seconds) and [[Faster-Than-Light Travel|STILL hit instantly!]]

* Khrima in ''[[Adventurers!]]'' loves laser beams.

** [https://web.archive.org/web/20100701183908/http://www.adventurers-comic.com/d/20020520.html A little bit too much...]

*** [https://web.archive.org/web/20100628012042/http://www.adventurers-comic.com/d/20060204.html make that ''far'' too much]

{{quote| ''' "Elsie" 113''': Auditory response: Moo.}}

* This type of laser [https://web.archive.org/web/20110816205848/http://www.jaydenandcrusader.com/2010/02/22/page-149/ recently appeared] in Jayden and Crusader which moves slowly enough for one character to leap in front of it yelling a [[Big No]]

** [https://web.archive.org/web/20110810114748/http://www.jaydenandcrusader.com/2010/05/24/page-153/ Shooting out her frickin' arm!]

* [[Derelict (webcomic)|Derelict]] [http://derelictcomic.com/?strip_id=23 A UV weapon] -- that—that glows in the visible range, similar to the ultraviolet anti-vampire bullets in ''[[Underworld (film)|Underworld]]''.

* ''[[Galactic Maximum]]'': [https://web.archive.org/web/20141102050026/http://maximumcomic.com/?strip_id=0 The opening fight]

* In ''[[Minion Comics]]'' the minions are given a plan: [https://web.archive.org/web/20120904142100/http://www.meetmyminion.com/?p=621 "Run in there and shoot lasers everywhere."]

{{quote| {{spoiler|'''Epsilon Church:'''}} I am not a thing! My name is {{spoiler|Leonard Chuch}} and YOU WILL FEAR MY LASER FACE!}}

** Also, Superman in "Kid's Stuff":

{{quote| '''Kid''': What are you gonna do? You're just a kid. <br />

* In ''[[Monster Buster Club]]'' the kids have [[Frickin' Laser Beams]] as well, but they don't work like conventional lasers. Instead, when hit, the enemy would then be sucked up into the gun, into a little cartridge thing the kids could remove and place in something that looks like cold storage until the authorities come to take them away.

{{quote| '''Tallest Purple''': Why is everything lasers with you? }}

** Liquid chemical lasers exist and work. There's one mounted in a 747 intended to kill [[ICB Ms]]ICBMs, though it isn't quite ready for prime-time yet. A similar device has been toted for an AC-130 mounted "super sniper weapon" to perform silent, long range pinpoint kills. Ground-based systems are also being tested to shoot down incoming artillery shells and missiles.

** If completed, the Extreme Light Infrastructure can even outperform NIF, since it can have its peak power in exawatt range, and should be powerful enough to ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20131101061517/http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/8857154/Worlds-most-powerful-laser-to-tear-apart-the-vacuum-of-space.html tear apart the vacuum of space-time itself]''!

* Lawrence Livermore laboratories used to have a [https://web.archive.org/web/20120915212555/https://www.llnl.gov/str/Petawatt.html Petawatt laser], which could produce over 10¹⁵ Watts of power at the instant of its peak output. The pulse was so brief, however, it only produced about 600 Joules of total energy.

* The [https://web.archive.org/web/20131018090148/http://www.dailytech.com/WickedLasers+Unveils+Lightsaber+Powerful+Enough+to+Set+People+on+Fire/article18681.htm Spyder III Pro Arctic]. The world's first consumer hand-held laser weapon. Made from a cannibalised laser projector, it packs enough power to ignite flesh and cause permanent blindness instantly. The emitter also looks exactly like a lightsaber handle!

* In 2010 the BBC posted a story linked to the first public video of [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-10682693 a laser weapon] destroying a large target.

* There actually are laser weapon system being actively used today, such as the [https://web.archive.org/web/20131110115822/http://www.defense-update.com/products/t/thor-IED.htm Thor] and [[wikipedia:ZEUS-HLONS (HMMWV Laser Ordnance Neutralization System)|ZEUS-HLONS]], but they are primarily for explosive disposal, not for shooting people.

* [http://www.laser-gadgets.com/ This guy] makes frickin' laser beams as a hobby! The demonstrations show two pistols and what can only be considered a [[Doctor Who|Sonic Screwdriver]] burning through discs and sunglasses, popping balloons, and setting matches on fire from across the room. Granted, being [[Too Dumb to Live]] and looking into the beam emitter directly will blind you permanently even with a welder's shield. But still, laser pistols!