Gag Nose/Quotes: Difference between revisions

{{quote|CYRANO: Ah no! young blade! That was a trifle short!<br />

You might have said at least a hundred things<br />

By varying the tone ... like this, suppose, ...<br />

Aggressive: "Sir, if I had such a nose<br />

I'd amputate it!" Friendly: When you sup<br />

It must annoy you, dipping in your cup;<br />

You need a drinking-bowl of special shape!"<br />

Descriptive: " 'Tis a rock! ... a peak! ... a cape!<br />

--A cape, forsooth! 'Tis a peninsular! "<br />

Curious: "How serves that oblong capsular?<br />

For scissor-sheath? Or pot to hold your ink?"<br />

Gracious: "You love the little birds, I think?<br />

I see you've managed with a fond research<br />

To find their tiny claws a roomy perch!"<br />

Truculent: "When you smoke your pipe ... suppose<br />

That the tobacco-smoke spouts from your nose--<br />

Do not the neighbors, as the fumes rise higher,<br />

Cry terror-struck: "The chimney is afire"?"<br />

Considerate: "Take care, ... your head bowed low<br />

By such a weight ... lest head o'er heels you go!"<br />

Tender: "Pray get a small umbrella made,<br />

Lest its bright color in the sun should fade!"<br />

Pedantic: "That beast Aristophanes<br />

Names Anticonceptionnelles<br />

Must have possessed just such a solid lump<br />

Of flesh and bone, beneath his forehead's bump!"<br />

Cavalier: "The last fashion, friend, that hook?<br />

To hang your hat on? 'Tis a useful crook!"<br />

Emphatic: "No wind, O majestic nose,<br />

Can give THEE cold!--save when the mistral blows!"<br />

Dramatic: "When it bleeds, what a Red Sea!"<br />

Admiring: "Sign for a perfumery!"<br />

Lyric: "Is this a conch? ... a Triton you?"<br />

Simple: "When is the monument on view?"<br />

Rustic: "That thing a nose? Marry-come-up!<br />

'Tis a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize turnip!"<br />

Military: "Point against cavalry!"<br />

Practical: "Put it in a lottery!<br />

Assuredly 'twould be the biggest prize!"<br />

Or ... parodying Pyramus' sighs ...<br />

"Behold the nose that mars the harmony<br />

Of its master's phiz! blushing its treachery!"<br />

--Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said,<br />

Had you of wit or letters the least jot:<br />

But, O most lamentable man!--of wit<br />

You never had an atom, and of letters<br />

You have three letters only!--they spell Ass!<br />

And--had you had the necessary wit,<br />

To serve me all the pleasantries I quote<br />

Before this noble audience ... e'en so,<br />

You would not have been let to utter one--<br />

Nay, not the half or quarter of such jest!<br />

I take them from myself all in good part,<br />

{{quote|All right, twenty something betters. I start with the obvious:<br />

Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?<br />

Meteorological: Everybody take cover, she will blow!<br />

Fashionable: You could de-emphasise your nose if you wore something larger... like Wyoming. <br />

Personal: Well, here we are... Just the three of us.<br />

Punctual: Okay, your nose was on time, but you were 10 minutes late. <br />

Envious: Oh, I wish I were you... to be able to smell your own ear!<br />

Naughty: Some of the ladies have asked if you would put that thing away.<br />

Philosophical: It is not the size of a nose that is important... it is what is in it that matters.<br />

Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you... sneeze and it is goodbye,Seattle.<br />

Commercial: Hi, I am Earl Scheib and I can paint that nose for $100!<br />

Polite: Would you mind not bobbing your head? The orchestra keeps changing the tempo.<br />

Melodic: Everybody. He has got the whole world in his nose.<br />

Sympathetic: What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? <br />

Complimentary: You must love the birdies... to give them this to perch on.<br />

Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides?<br />

Obscure: Whoa, I would hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it.<br />

Inquiry: When you stop and smell the flowers... are they afraid?<br />

French: The pigs have refused to find any more truffles... until you leave.<br />

Pornographic: Finally a man who can satisfy two women at once. How many is that?<br />

- Fourteen, Chief.<br />

All right, religious:The Lord giveth ...and He just kept on giving, did he not? Fifteen.<br />

Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Sixteen.<br />

Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine! Seventeen.<br />

Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee...in Brazil. Eighteen.<br />

Appreciative: Oh, how original.Most people just have their teeth capped.Nineteen.<br />