Heard Any Good Jokes Lately?: Difference between revisions

{{tropeJust for Fun}}

* So the stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer brings in a new one. Once he's arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says' Listen here Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!" The old rooster says "C'mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We'll stay in the back?" The new rooster is adamant "No way! All the hens reare mine!". The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he'll leave and let the new rooster take over. The only catch is that since the old rooster isn't in very good shape, he needs a head start. So the rooster's line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off. As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is ''just'' i front of him. He is ''so'' close to beating him. He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.

{{quote| One says "Wait, stop! I dropped an electron!"<br />

The other says "Are you sure?"<br />

* A child and his father driving in glorious Soviet-made automobile were struck by evil capitalist scum hit-and-run driver. The father dies, and the son is seriously injured. With excellent efficiency and proud spirit, medical personnel of the Motherland arrive for take boy to hospital. When he arrive at surgical room, however, the doctor says "I cannot operate on child here, he is son of mine."<br />Obviously, the doctor was his mother. Soviet Union not have capitalist sexism, for we are great and progressive nation serving all the workers!<br />[[In Soviet Russia, Trope Mocks You|The doctor was shot for refusal to carry out duty to Motherland.]]

* An old man goes to the doctor for his checkup. <br />"I've got some bad news," says the doctor. "You've got Alzheimer's and you've got cancer." <br />"Well," says the old man, "at least I don't have Alzheimer's!"

* A man was walking around the MIT campus one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.<br />The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.<br />The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.<br />The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.<br />Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"<br />The man said, "Look, I'm an engineering student. I don't have time for a girlfriend right now, but a talking frog is cool!"

* Two engineers were traveling when one asked to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?" <br />He replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." <br />The other engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

* A doctor, a lawyer and a Troper were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.<br />The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."<br />The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."<br />The Troper says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when you're away, the wife will assume that you're with the mistress and the mistress will assume you're with your wife, giving you plenty of time to edit [[TV Tropes]]!"

* A ship was sailing through the sea at night when the captain spotted a light on a collision course. He went to his signal light and sent: "Change your course, ten degrees west."<br />The distant light signaled back: "Change ''your'' course, ten degrees east."<br />The captain gets upset. He signals: "I'm a US Navy captain. Change your course, sir."<br />The distant light signals a response: "I'm a Seaman Second Class. Change ''your'' course, sir."<br />Now the captain is furious. He signals: "This is a battleship. I'm not changing course."<br />The distant light sends one last response: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

* Due to a scheduling mix-up, Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso and George W. Bush all get to the Pearly Gates around the same time. Picasso is the first one to arrive, and St. Peter considers him for a moment. "You know," he says, "We've had people coming up here ever since Picasso died claiming to be him. How can you prove you're the real Pablo Picasso?" Picasso asks for a canvas and paint, then whips up a brand-new masterpiece, as good as any of his other work. "Wonderful!" says St. Peter. "Sorry for the inconvenience, Pablo, welcome to Heaven."<br />Five minutes later Albert Einstein arrives. St. Peter again tells him that numerous others have claimed to be him. Albert asks for a chalkboard and chalk, then plots out an entirely new improved Theory of Relativity. "Amazing!" St. Peter says. "Sorry for the inconvenience, Albert, welcome to Heaven."<br />Five minutes later George W. Bush arrives. St. Peter looks at him and says, "You know, already today I've had to make Pablo Picasso and Albert Einstein prove their identities to me. I have to admit, I'm curious to see what you'll come up with to convince me."<br />Bush looks up at St. Peter and frowns. "Who are Pablo Picasso and Albert Einstein?"<br />St. Peter sighs. "Go on in, George."

* The Oconee River near Athens, Georgia overflows its banks. A retired preacher is sitting on his porch, with the river flooding into his front yard, headed for the deck.<br />Two men pull up in an SUV. One says, "Preacher, you need to come with us; the river's rising fast and there ain't much time." The preacher says, "Boys, you don't understand. I have faith. If I need help, the Lord will take care of me." So the men drive off.<br />An hour later the river has risen even more and the preacher is now sitting on his roof, with the water flooding up to the gutters.<br />A rowboat comes up and one of the men inside says, "Preacher, the river's rising faster. You gotta come with us." The preacher shakes his head and says, "Boys, you don't understand. I have faith. If I need help, the Lord will take care of me." So the rowboat leaves.<br />An hour later the flooding river has covered the roof of the preacher's house, and he is sitting on his chimney.<br />A helicopter hovers overhead and a voice issues from a loudspeaker, "Preacher, the river's rising fast, there ain't no time left. Grab the rope, we'll pull you up." The preacher shakes his head again. "Boys, you don't understand. I have faith. If I need help, the Lord will take care of me." So the helicopter flies off.<br />An hour later, the preacher reaches the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at him and says, "What are you doing here? It's not your time yet."<br />"I don't know," the preacher replies. "I had faith that the Lord would help me."<br />"Help?" St. Peter says, "We sent an SUV, a rowboat and a helicopter, what did you want?"

* A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench looking at the house across the street. They see two people walk into it, and, some time later, see three people walk out.<br />The biologist says, "They must have reproduced while they were inside."<br />The physicist says, "No, our initial observation must have been in error."<br />Finally, the mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, then the house will be empty."

* A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a computer programmer were each asked to "prove" that all odd numbers are prime.<br />The mathematician says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, and seven's a prime. Therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime."<br />The physicist says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine... well, we'll just throw that one out as experimental error, eleven's a prime, and thirteen's a prime. Therefore, empirical evidence suggests that all odd numbers are prime."<br />The engineer says, "Well, three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine's a prime, eleven's a prime, thirteen's a prime, fifteen's a prime..." He goes on for a while until the other three shut him up.<br />Finally, the computer programmer says:

* An American, a Russian, and a Frenchman are all up for punishment by 40 lashes. The warden comes up to them and says "You may each have one wish before you are lashed."<br />So the American says "I want a pillow strapped to my back." He gets a pillow, they do 20 lashes, the pillow breaks, and he gets 20 lashes to the back.<br />The Frenchman says he wants 2 pillows on his back. They give him the pillows, he gets through scot free.<br />The Russian says "I want the Frenchman on my back."

{{quote| '''Doctor''': Mr. Smith, I'm sorry, but you don't have long to live.<br />

'''Mr. Smith''': Well, how long do I have, Doc?<br />

'''Doctor''': Ten.<br />

'''Mr. Smith''': I don't understand. Ten weeks? Ten months? Ten what?<br />

* Paul McCartney was being chauffeured back to his home in a stretch limo. "You know", he said to the driver, "I've never driven a limo before, so could I try it out?". The driver said yes, so Paul settled behind the wheel, and the chauffeur got in the back. Then Paul started to accelerate until the limo was topping 100 &nbsp;mph. Then he saw that a police car was coming and pulled over to the side of a street. A police officer came out, looked at Paul, and asked, "Excuse me Sir." Soon after he said, "I'd better call this one in." The policeman called the headquarters and said, "Listen Chief, I've just pulled over a really important person and I`m not sure what to do." "Who is it?" asked his chief, "Not the governor again?" "No, this man is much more important," said the officer. "More important than the governor?" yelled the Chief, "Who is it then?" "I'm not sure," said the officer, "but his chauffeur is Paul McCartney!"

{{quote| '''Patient''': What happened?<br />

{{quote| '''First Cannibal:''' Enjoying yourself?<br />

'''Second Cannibal:''' Yep! I'm having a ball.<br />

{{quote| The newspaper headline the next day read, '''"Preacher's ass shows."'''}}

{{quote| The newspaper headline the next day read, '''"Preacher's ass out front."'''}}

{{quote| The newspaper headline the next day read, '''"Bishop scratches preacher's ass."'''}}

{{quote| The newspaper headline the next day read, '''"Nun has best ass in town."'''}}

{{quote| The newspaper headline the next day read, '''"Nun sells ass for $10."'''}}

{{quote| The newspaper headline the next day read, '''"Nun announces ass is wild and free."'''}}

{{quote| '''God:''' ''For your great works and dedication, I will grant each of you one wish.''<br />

'''Priest:''' ''I'd like a great big church, so that I may continue to spread the Good Word!''<br />

And God makes a beautiful Cathedral.<br />

'''Rabbi:''' ''I would like there to be peace in the Middle East!''<br />

And God makes it so.<br />

'''Minister:''' ''God, I'd like a long bridge from my house to the beach, so I can easily get there and back whenever I want.''<br />

'''God:''' ''That seems a bit selfish. Isn't there ANYTHING else you want, my son?''<br />

'''Minister:''' ''Well, now that You mention it...I have a wife and two daughters, and I'm having trouble connecting with them. Could you help me better understand women?''<br />

* There's this old butler, right? And he's retired, and lives on a farm with his two reindeer. One day he hears a knock at the door, and he opens it to see two beavers. The beavers say to him "Hi. Our house got knocked down in a flash flood, and we're looking for some money to rebuild it. Would you like to make a donation?" The butler just shakes his head, and goes to turn away. The beavers yell "Hey!" and throw a glass of water at him, slamming the door in his face. He goes to his reindeer. The first one, named Lee, says "Why don't you just give them some money?" His second deer, Frank, asks him the same question. "Why not give them a little money to rebuild?"<br />The wet butler says "Frank, Lee, my deers, I don't give a dam."

* A man goes into a pet shop and asks for something unusual. The owner shows him a rabbit-like animal, and says, "This is a Rary. They only move about by rolling around, and to get one started you have to give it sort of a pat, but they're cleanly." So the man buys the Rary, but after it's been home for a while, it starts rolling about uncontrollably and breaking his things. The shop owner won't take it back, so he drives 100 &nbsp;km out of town to a tall cliff, intending to give it a push off. He meets someone there, and after hearing the story, the fellow remarks, "That's a long way to tip a Rary!"

* A blind man and his equally blind wife decide to go for a walk. It's a pretty cold day, and the weather forecast predicts some kind of precipitation, but the temperature will determine whether it's rain or snow. Sure enough, while the man and his wife are walking, it starts... precipitating. But neither of them is sure what. <br />"I think it's raining," said the man's wife.<br />"I think it's snowing," said the man. "It's too cold to rain."<br />They bicker about this until they hear someone hail them: "Hello!" The man turns to his wife and says, "Oh! It's Olph the Communist! He'll know which it is." <br />The man calls out: "Comrade Olph! Is it raining or snowing?" <br />"Raining, you idiots!" Olph calls back, unpleasently.<br />"See, I told you," the blind woman said. <br />Grumpily, the man replied, "I still think it's too cold. It must be snowing."<br />At that, the woman shook her head, and said...<br />"Rude Olph the Red knows rain, dear."

* Two hikers have been walking through the AustralianAustralia for days when they come across a small town called Mercy. Seeing as they're tired and thirsty, they stop by the bar and ask for a drink. What the bartender gives them tastes amazing, but is very thick and chunky. The hikers ask what it's made of and the bartender replies that it's a tea that they make by mashing up koalas. The hikers are understandably put off by this, but the drink tastes so good that they ask for another, and strained this time. The bartender replies "Oh, no sirs. The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."

* A scientist has perfected a [[Cloning Blues|clone]]. Unfortunately when he takes it to show the university board, it starts swearing at them. The outraged board throw them out, and the scientist does some more tests and realises the clone has [[TourettesTourette's Shitcock Syndrome|TourettesTourette's]]. He's stumped with what to do, and eventually he decides to take it to the top of the university carpark, and chuck it off. He does so, but is seen, and later the police arrive. He insists that killing the clone [[What Measure Is a Non-Human?|wasn't murder]], but nonetheless gets arrested. The charge is "making an obscene clone fall".

{{quote| A grazing Mace<br />

How sweet the hound<br />

{{quote| "We're almost done" the level-headed electrician says to the other. "All you have to do is to reach out and cover the cables with this protective covering."<br />

The other electrician tries to do this, but backs away at the last minute, concerned that he'll fall to the ground if he leans out any further.<br />

{{quote| One day the younger brother says to the older brother "I want to open a bar, but I don't have the cash to do so. Surely you can give me some of your money."<br />

"I'll lend you the money you need," says the older brother. "But I expect you to pay it back, with interest". The two agree to this arrangement, so the older brother lends a sizable chunk of his savings to the younger brother, who opens his bar.<br />

The bar is an instant success, making the younger brother rich beyond his wildest dreams. During the same time, a thief steals all the money saved by the older brother, leaving him and his family with nothing. Years pass, and the younger brother fails to pay back any of the original loan to his sibling.<br />

One particularly harsh winter, the older brother begs his sibling to make good on his promise to repay the loan. "You have more than enough money now to pay me back, and my wife and children are hungry!"<br />

The younger brother glances at him and says "I'd rather pay you back later."<br />

By this time the older brother is desperate "Please! Just pay me back the interest then! Give me enough to feed my family! If you don't, I'll get the police!"<br />

The eternally ungrateful younger brother smirks and says "I don't think you're in any position to be demanding anything." With that, he closes the door to his manor, leaving the older brother alone in the cold.<br />

* How many [[NPC|NPCs]]s does it take to change a light bulb?

::: [[Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny|Oh, look, a pigeon! * runs off* ]]

{{quote| "Knock knock."<br />

"Who's there?"<br />

"Argo."<br />

The reporter doesn't know any Argo jokes, so he says, "Argo who?"<br />

"Arr, go fuck yourself!"<br />

The reporter is fired. Five years later he has managed to work his way back up and is hosting the same show again, but he's had five more years to memorize even more jokes and he's sure he won't be fooled again. The same drunk calls in again: "Knock knock."<br />

"Who's there?"<br />

"Harold."<br />

This time the reporter is confident. He knows 133 Harold jokes, and all of them are above reproach. "Harold who?" he says.<br />

{{quote| Who's there?<br />

I know kung<br />

{{quote| {{spoiler|Sound it out}}}}

[[Category:Heard Any Good Jokes Lately?]]