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{{trope}}
{{quote|''"If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak."''|'''Neal Page''', ''[[Planes, Trains and Automobiles]]''}}
 
If I wanted to describe [['''If I Wanted XIX, I Would Y]]''' here, I would go to [[TVAll The Tropes]]... [[Oh, Wait!|wait a minute]].
 
A [[Stock Phrases|common put-down]] of a work/activity/food/etc., by naming a prominent aspect of that thing, and claiming that aspect is better in another thing, usually in the form of "If I wanted (aspect), I would (other thing with that aspect)."
 
Can [[Sister Trope|often overlap]] with [[Better Byby a Different Name]] and [[Deadpan Snarker]].
 
Compare [[X Called. They Want Their Y Back.]].
 
NotSeparate tovariations be confused withare "[[If I Wanted You Dead...]]" and "[[If I Want Your Opinion]]".
 
{{examples}}
== [[Comic Books]] ==
* One ''[[Red Dwarf (TV)|Red Dwarf]]'' comic strip has them listening to an [[Apocalyptic Log]] [[In the Style Of]] ''[[The Canterbury Tales (Literature)|The Canterbury Tales]]''. Rimmer's criticism sounds like it's going to be one of these, but [[Subverted Trope|subverts]] it.▼
{{quote| '''Rimmer''': I don't want to sound like a wet blanket, Lister, but if I wanted to attend an amateur poetry reading, I'd be mad.}}▼
 
== Comics[[Fan Works]] ==
▲* One ''[[Red Dwarf (TV)|Red Dwarf]]'' comic strip has them listening to an [[Apocalyptic Log]] [[In the Style Of]] ''[[The Canterbury Tales (Literature)|The Canterbury Tales]]''. Rimmer's criticism sounds like it's going to be one of these, but [[Subverted Trope|subverts]] it.
▲{{quote| '''Rimmer''': I don't want to sound like a wet blanket, Lister, but if I wanted to attend an amateur poetry reading, I'd be mad.}}
 
 
== Fan Works ==
* In a ''[[Dragon Ball Abridged]]'' video, Nappa says he likes ''[[Naruto]]'', and Vegeta says, "If I wanted to watch a hundred episodes of [[Filler]], I'd watch ''[[Inuyasha]]''."
* ''[[Vision of Escaflowne Abridged]]''▼
{{quote| '''Van:''' "If I wanted to sleep through half of the episode, I would have watched..."<br />▼
List of series flashed rapidly: [[Wolfs Rain|Wolf's Rain]], [[Gungrave]], [[Ghost in Thethe Shell: Stand Alone Complex|GitS: SAC]], [[Paranoia Agent]], [[Mushishi]], [[Boogiepop Phantom]], [[Odd Name Out|Hi, Mom!]], [[Serial Experiments Lain]], [[Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick|squirrels do it]], [[Samurai 7]], [[Soul Taker (Animeanime)|Soul Taker]], [[Casshern Sins]], [[Kino's Journey]]<br />▼
'''Van:''' "''[[Witch Hunter Robin]]''." }}▼
 
== Radio[[Film]] ==▼
 
* From ''[[Planes, Trains and Automobiles]]'':▼
== Films -- Live-Action ==▼
{{quote| '''Cab Dispatcher:''' Where are you going?<br />▼
▲* From ''[[Planes Trains and Automobiles]]'':
'''Neal:''' Yeah, Chicago.<br />▼
▲{{quote| '''Cab Dispatcher:''' Where are you going?<br />
'''NealCab Dispatcher:''' Chicago.<br />?
'''Cab DispatcherNeal:''' Yeah, Chicago?<br />.
'''Cab Dispatcher:''' You know you're in St. Louis?<br />▼
▲'''Neal:''' Yeah, Chicago.<br />
'''Neal:''' Yes I do.<br />▼
▲'''Cab Dispatcher:''' You know you're in St. Louis?<br />
'''Cab Dispatcher:''' Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal.<br />▼
▲'''Neal:''' Yes I do.<br />
'''Neal:''' If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?<br />▼
▲'''Cab Dispatcher:''' Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal.<br />
''([[Talk to Thethe Fist|the cab dispatcher punches him in the face]])'' }}▼
▲'''Neal:''' If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?<br />
* ''[[GoldeneyeGoldenEye (Filmfilm)|GoldeneyeGoldenEye]]'':▼
▲''([[Talk to The Fist|the cab dispatcher punches him in the face]])'' }}
{{quote| '''Bill Tanner:''' Seems your hunch was right, 007. It's too bad the Evil Queen of Numbers wouldn't let you play it...<br />▼
▲* ''[[Goldeneye (Film)|Goldeneye]]'':
''(M walks in)''<br />▼
▲{{quote| '''Bill Tanner:''' Seems your hunch was right, 007. It's too bad the Evil Queen of Numbers wouldn't let you play it...<br />
'''M:''' You were saying?<br />▼
▲''(M walks in)''<br />
'''Bill Tanner:''' No, no, I was just... just um...<br />▼
▲'''M:''' You were saying?<br />
▲'''Bill Tanner:''' No, no, I was just... just um...<br />
'''M:''' Good. Because if I want sarcasm, Mr Tanner, I'll talk to my children, thank you very much. }}
* From ''[[Dragonheart]]'', after Draco wonders about the ethics of their scam:
{{quote| '''Bowen:''' If I wanted my conscience pricked, I would've stayed with the priest!}}
* From ''[[X-Men (Film)|X-Men: The Last Stand]]'', after Professor Xavier is believed to have died, Magneto tells Pyro that, if he[Magneto] wanted Xavier dead, he[Magneto] would have killed Xavier himself.
 
▲== Films -- [[Live-Action TV]] ==
 
* ''[[Real Time Withwith Bill Maher]]''▼
== Live-Action TV ==
{{quote| "Technology businesses must cut the baby talk. It's 2007. You're a rapacious, multi-billion-dollar corporation, not a stuffed animal. This week, Yahoo! announced a deal with Bebo, which will help it compete with Google. I had to Wiki Bebo to find out it's kind of like Friendster and Woofy. Gosh, I hope they can all band together and save Fuzzleton Village from the evil Snorgs! Grow up! If I want to see uncaring money-making machines with cutesy names, I'd go to a strip club."}}▼
▲* ''[[Real Time With Bill Maher]]''
▲{{quote| "Technology businesses must cut the baby talk. It's 2007. You're a rapacious, multi-billion-dollar corporation, not a stuffed animal. This week, Yahoo! announced a deal with Bebo, which will help it compete with Google. I had to Wiki Bebo to find out it's kind of like Friendster and Woofy. Gosh, I hope they can all band together and save Fuzzleton Village from the evil Snorgs! Grow up! If I want to see uncaring money-making machines with cutesy names, I'd go to a strip club."}}
** Another one:
{{quote| "If China is going to be the world's most dominant superpower, they must figure out a better way to package soy sauce. Seriously, you've had thousands of years to work on this, and this is the best you could come up with?! [[Crosses the Line Twice|If I want to spend my night cleaning up after a thin, leaky bag of chemicals, I'll date]] [[Amy Winehouse]]."}}
** Bill does this ''a lot'' in his book, ''New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer''.
* ''[[Firefly (TV series)|Firefly]]'', "Objects in Space":
{{quote| '''Mal:''' If I want medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor.<br />
'''Simon:''' You are talking to a doctor. }}
** Also, quoth Jayne, "Hell, if I had wanted schooling, I would have gone to school!"
* In one episode of ''[[Friends]]'', Phoebe is dating two men at once -- aonce—a teacher and a fireman. She's out with the teacher when they see a car catch fire, and he's confused when her response to the sound of sirens is to run away (so he doesn't find out about the fireman).
{{quote| '''Phoebe:''' If I wanted to see a fireman I would date one!}}
* In the ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]]'' episode "Out of My Mind", Riley thinks Buffy won't want to be with him if he's just a normal man, and she responds with, "Do you think that I spent the last year with you because you had super powers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike." (This becomes [[Hilarious in Hindsight]] about a year later.)
* Parodied in ''[[Fist of Fun]]'': During a discussion about water pollution Stuart Lee asks Richard Herring if he wants to swim in raw sewage. Herring replies "Stuart, if I wanted to swim in raw sewage I'd..." and then details a highly developed plan to break into the local sewage works. Lee quickly realises that yes, he really does.
* In the ''[[Star Trek: theThe Original Series]]'' episode "That Which Survives", after major seismic tremors and loss of contact with the ''Enterprise'':
{{quote| '''Sulu:''' Could it be the ''Enterprise'' hit the planet? [[The Tunguska Event|Once in Siberia, a meteor flattened whole forests]]--<br />
'''Kirk:''' If I wanted a Russian history lesson, I'd have brought along Mr. Chekov. }}
 
 
== [[Newspaper Comics]] ==
* ''[[Calvin and Hobbes]]'', where Calvin explains why he does not like organized sports:
{{quote| "I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want that, I'll join the Army and at least get paid."}}
 
== [[Radio]] ==
 
* In one episode of ''[[I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue (Radio)|I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue]]'', Jack Dee introduces the Pick-Up Song round by saying he can't see the point of karaoke. ▼
▲== Radio ==
{{quote| "If I wanted to see some hopeless drunk ruining an [[Amy Winehouse]] song, I'd go to an Amy Winehouse concert."}}▼
▲* In one episode of ''[[I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue (Radio)|I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue]]'', Jack Dee introduces the Pick-Up Song round by saying he can't see the point of karaoke.
▲{{quote| "If I wanted to see some hopeless drunk ruining an [[Amy Winehouse]] song, I'd go to an Amy Winehouse concert."}}
** Also, in another episode, there was a round of Closed Quotes which specialized on comebacks. Among these comebacks was the lovely "If I wanted to hear from an arse, I would have farted."
 
== [[Recorded and Stand- Up Comedy]] ==▼
 
▲== Stand-Up Comedy ==
* [[Lewis Black]] on the tax code:
{{quote| "If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read ''[[War and Peace]]'' four times."}}
 
 
== Web Original ==▼
* A [[Mad Libs Catchphrase]] of ''[[The Cinema Snob (Web Video)|The Cinema Snob]]''. Subverted once when he realized he didn't like even the other thing.▼
* ''[[Zero Punctuation (Web Animation)|Zero Punctuation]]'', dismissing ''[[Mass Effect 2 (Video Game)|Mass Effect 2]]'''s resource-gathering: ▼
{{quote| '''Yahtzee:''' If I wanted to be a space quantity surveyor, I'd play ''[[Eve Online]]''.}}▼
▲* ''[[Vision of Escaflowne Abridged]]''
▲{{quote| '''Van:''' "If I wanted to sleep through half of the episode, I would have watched..."<br />
▲List of series flashed rapidly: [[Wolfs Rain|Wolf's Rain]], [[Gungrave]], [[Ghost in The Shell Stand Alone Complex|GitS: SAC]], [[Paranoia Agent]], [[Mushishi]], [[Boogiepop Phantom]], [[Odd Name Out|Hi, Mom!]], [[Serial Experiments Lain]], [[Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick|squirrels do it]], [[Samurai 7]], [[Soul Taker (Anime)|Soul Taker]], [[Casshern Sins]], [[Kino's Journey]]<br />
▲'''Van:''' "''[[Witch Hunter Robin]]''." }}
 
 
== Webcomics ==
* Schlock Mercenary: When I want your opinion I'll mind-rip it out of your shattered skull, thank you
 
▲== [[Web Original]] ==
▲* A [[Mad Libs Catchphrase]] of ''[[The Cinema Snob (Web Video)|The Cinema Snob]]''. Subverted once when he realized he didn't like even the other thing.
▲* ''[[Zero Punctuation (Web Animation)|Zero Punctuation]]'', dismissing ''[[Mass Effect 2 (Video Game)|Mass Effect 2]]''{{'}}s resource-gathering:
▲{{quote| '''Yahtzee:''' If I wanted to be a space quantity surveyor, I'd play ''[[EveEVE Online]]''.}}
* The ''[[Jargon File]]'' uses a [http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/I/If-you-want-X--you-know-where-to-find-it-.html variation]: "If you want PL/I, you know where to find it."
* This very wiki, over on "[[All The Tropes:So You're a TV Tropes Refugee|So You're a TV Tropes Refugee]]" (our welcome page for folks who are used to how TVT works):
{{quote|If we wanted to do things the TV Tropes way, we would have never forked from them in the first place.}}
 
== [[Western Animation]] ==
* ''[[American Dad (Animation)|American Dad]]'':
{{quote| '''Steve:''' Dad, can we go to Graceland?<br />
'''Stan:''' Steve, if you want to pay your respects to a fat man who died on the toilet, we can visit your Aunt Mary's grave. }}
** A variant on "Not Particularly Desperate Housewives": When Francine wants to adopt Fussy the dog, Stan says, "Forget it! We already have something girly and annoying in this house. It's called Roger."
* This was a frequent trope in [[Hanna-Barbera]] cartoons of the early 1960s. For instance, in one episode of ''[[The Flintstones]]'', Fred says, "If I want laughs, I'll call [[Yogi Bear (Animation)|Yogi Bear]]."
* ''[[Archer (Animation)|Archer]]'':
{{quote| '''Archer:''' Don't you want a grandkid?<br />
'''Malory:''' Well, if I did I'd just scrape all your previous mishaps into a big pile and knit a onesie for it.<br />
'''Archer:''' [[Crosses the Line Twice|Jesus Christ!]] }}
** And another:
{{quote| '''Archer:''' If I wanted to look at your bare feet, I'd sneak in and do it when you were asleep.}}
*** One more:
{{quote| '''Malory to her chauffeur:''' If I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd become a ''teacher''!}}
* ''[[The Simpsons (animation)|The Simpsons]]'': after Bart is caught shoplifting at Try 'N' Save, the security guard dismisses his offer to pay for the stolen video game with "If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose!"
 
{{reflist}}
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[[Category:Insult Tropes]]
[[Category:Stock Phrases]]
[[Category:If I Wanted XI Would Y{{PAGENAME}}]]
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