Private Eye Monologue: Difference between revisions

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{{quote|''"The rain was comin' down like all the angels in heaven decided to take a piss at the same time. When you're in a situation like mine, you can only think in metaphors."''|'''Dick Justice''', protagonist of a show within ''[[Max Payne 2]]'' which is an [[Affectionate Parody]] of the monologues of its predecessor}}

{{quote| ''"She walked through my door like a tigress walks into a Burmese orphanage -- [[Heroes Want Redheads|strawberry]] [[Blondes Are Evil|blonde]] and legs for hours. No dame her age could afford a coat like that, and the kinda makeup she had on gave me a good idea how she got it. She had bad news written on her like [[The Great Depression|October of '29]]."''}}

The [['''Private Eye Monologue]]''' is characterized by certain pronunciation and speech patterns that make it immediately recognizable and utterly [[Rule of Cool|cool]]. The most basic rule to remember is that it is a ''monologue'', so it is ''spoken'' (not written), preferably in a deep chain-smoker baritone. The last (or second last) word in the sentence is emphasized, to make clear where it ends. Short, choppy sentences in past tense with little conjunction (buts, howevers, and therefores) between them are preferred, and the lexicon mainly consists of [[Beige Prose|short, simple words]]; that's why such monologues are so super quotable. [[Purple Prose]] and [[Big Words]] are taboo.

The most important aspect is [[Talks Like a Simile|thinking-in-metaphors]]. Metaphors and similes are the alpha and omega of a good [['''Private Eye Monologue]]''', which it wouldn't be without them. They demonstrate the relatively good education of the speaker without estranging him from the audience by sounding [[Geek|geekygeek]]y. References to popular culture and politics are pure win. [[Weather Report Narration|Mentioning the climate and the current weather is often a must.]] Even more impressive are [[What Do You Mean Its Not Symbolic|religious (Judeo-Christian) symbolism]] and mythology, just don't overdo it. Repeating a metaphor or simile is a faux pas.

[[Dead Horse Trope|Nigh impossible]] to play straight these days. The tough [[First-Person Smartass]], of course, is far from dead.

* ''[[Darker Than Black (Anime)|Darker Thanthan Black]]'' sees Gai Kurasawa start one of these, complete with cigarette smoking, window blinds and other private detective trappings but he gets interrupted by his [[Genki Girl]] assistant.

* The [[Film Noir]] episode of ''[[The Animatrix (Anime)|The Animatrix]]'', ''Detective Story'', is told entirely in this style.

* Roger Smith of the film noir-esque ''[[The Big O (Anime)|The Big O]]'' is a "negotiator" who often ends up investigating the cases of his clients in a manner similar to a Private Eye. He does the [[Private Eye Monologue]] frequently, especially during the first season.

{{quote| "My name is Roger Smith. I perform a much-needed job here in this city of amnesia..."}}

* Shido from ''[[Night WalkerNightwalker]]'' does this often.

* Episodes of ''[[Durarara (Literature)|Durarara!!]]'' are narrated by various characters and sometimes evoke this, especially the one narrated by [[Intrepid Reporter]] Shuuji Niekawa.

== ComicbooksComic Books ==

* As a result of Frank Miller and Alan Moore's influence this trope has almost become the industry standard, with internal narrative caption boxes becoming the standard over the more traditional thought bubbles.

{{quote| "My name is Wilson. '''Wade Wilson'''. I'm a dick. A private dick. A '''detective!''' Never mind..."}}

* Milo Garrett in ''[[One Hundred100 Bullets (Comic Book)|One Hundred Bullets]]''.

{{quote| ''It's about seven o'clock in the evening. Mid January. The sun nothing but a cigar cherry, as an old man's weak piss of rain gives an oily shine to Tinsletown. This morning I woke up in a hospital.''}}

* Rorschach's journal in ''[[Watchmen]]'' is an insane version of this.

* ''[[Kabuki (Comic Book)|Kabuki]]'' - "I feel the burning of their gaze and it keeps me warm. I hold onto it and proceed. I find myself thinking of my sensei again...and of a little girl training her body to perform beyond built in psychological taboos. I think of this as I bite off my finger."

== Fan FictionWorks ==

* In the ''[[Sailor Moon Expanded]]'' [[Fan Verse]], Magnesite lives to embody this trope. While a mid-ranking baron in the Dark Kingdom, he had his agents bring him earth video equipment so that he could watch old videos of [[Humphrey Bogart]], to whom [[Rule of Funny|he bears a remarkable resemblance]]. He was eventually trapped in a crystal prison by the Sailor Senshi and his former subordinate Calcite, and the only way for him to pass the time for the next 800 years was to replay every Bogart movie he's ever seen. Line by line, scene by scene, from memory. After he is released and placed on parole by Neo-Queen Serenity, he seeks employment in his idol's footsteps as a seedy detective. Unfortunately, Crystal Tokyo is a utopia, which clashes with his desired dingy atmosphere. In addition, because of his prolonged confinement and means of passing the time, he constantly thinks to himself in terms of the [[Private Eye Monologue]]. Sometimes, though, in accordance with the [[Rule of Funny]], he will accidentally monologue out loud; usually when the "dizzy dame with legs that could wrap around my waist with room to spare" standing in front of him is a Senshi looking for a reason to inflict harm.

* The ''[[Mass Effect]]'' fanfic [[Exactly What It Says Onon the Tin|"''Noir Tali Is Noir"'']] got its start as one of these from the perspective of the eponymous engineer, before being developed into an actual story.

* [[Humphrey Bogart]], originator of [[Hardboiled Detective]], used a few of these in some of his lesser-known works, for example ''Dead Reckoning'', and in ''[[Film/The Barefoot Contessa|The Barefoot Contessa]]''. The trailer for ''[[The Big Sleep (Filmfilm)|The Big Sleep]]'' had one, but the movie itself didn't.

* ''[[The Naked Gun (Film)|The Naked Gun]]'':

{{quote| <Walking through the city streets>"The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but, somehow, I didn't entirely trust him, either. Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? <Looks around to see dense jungle> And where the hell was I?"}}

* [[Steve Martin]]'s Rigby Reardon, in ''[[Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (Film)|Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid]]'', takes these to new heights of comic absurdity.

{{quote| "Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell 'trouble' T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you try to correct them, they kill you."}}

* The first, movie theater version of ''[[Blade Runner]]'' came with a voice-over narration by Deckard (Harrison Ford), the main character and titular Blade Runner, who was indeed both a Private Eye and a government assassin of rogue replicants. All of Deckard's voice-overs were removed from the Director's Cut, because they had been added against Ridley Scott's wishes, due to [[Executive Meddling]], in the hopes that the narration would provide some explanation of Deckard and his world for the audience (it didn't). Reportedly, Ridley Scott and Harrison Ford hated them, a sentiment echoed by many moviegoers and critics. According to some, Ford tried to do as bad a job with the voice-overs as possible, an accusation Ford denies.

* "The Girl Hunt" in ''[[The Band Wagon]]'' is half [[Private Eye Monologue]], half ballet. (It should be noted here that the monologue's writer was Alan Jay Lerner.)

* ''[[The Element of Crime]]'', a film both homaging and deconstructing [[Film Noir]], offers an interesting variation: the whole movie is a hypnosis induced flashback, and the [[Private Eye Monologue]] actually consists of a dialogue between the detective undergoing the hypnosis and his therapist. It is also done is the present tense, instead of the past tense.

* Lazlo Woodbine, from Robert Rankin's books, as a character is a parody of the [[Private Eye Monologue]], and he only works in the first person even when he appeared in ''The Suburban Book of the Dead'', where everything else was simple third person, and when the characters met, the story ended up ''mixing'' third person prose and first person monologue.

* ''Shakespeare Without the Boring Bits'' presents ''[[Macbeth (Theatre)|Macbeth]]'' from the point of view of Macbeth in this manner. "Call me Mac."

* Lampshaded and averted in ''Kiln People'' by [[David Brin]]. The protagonist is a private eye who uses ''dittos'' (avatar golems you upload yourself into) with a built-in recorder and a compulsion to narrate everything that happens. But the results are precise and dry.

* Frequently parodied on ''[[Whose Line Is It Anyway? (TV)|Whose Line Is It Anyway]]''

{{quote| "I'm a mob hitman... They call me Jimmy the [[Mr. Exposition|Exposition]]!"}}

{{quote| "I noticed that...every time he said somthing, he'd turn and face the wall for several seconds...it was kinda disturbing..."}}

* Spoofed on ''[[Sabrina the Teenage Witch]],'' where Sabrina interrupted several times.

* In ''[[NCIS (TV)|NCIS]]'', when Tony reads a brief excerpt of McGee's mystery novel aloud, he gives it the full film noir treatment.

* Both subverted and used straight in the ''[[Star Trek Deep Space Nine (TV)|Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]]'' episode "Necessary Evil", which was done in a [[Film Noir]] style. Constable Odo is making his first [[Captain's Log|Federation log]] entry, which consists of a long rant on the tendency of humans to accumulate useless information, ending with his one sentence report: "Everything's under control." But as Odo investigates an attempted murder which is linked to his past the log entries begin to take on the form of the more traditional narrative. (Odo, it's later revealed, is a fan of ''[[Mickey Spillane]]'' novels.)

* ''[[Magnum, PIP.I.]]'': Thomas Magnum did this in just about every episode.

* ''[[Burn Notice (TV)|Burn Notice]]'': Michael Weston sounds like he's giving a lecture.

* ''[[Married... Withwith Children (TV)|Married With Children]]'' had an episode where Al became a private eye and they spoofed the usual monologues, especially by having him monologue while other characters are talking so that he misses important information.

* ''[[Boy Meets World (TV)|Boy Meets World]]'' parodies this in the [[Noir Episode]].

{{quote| I am the big shot. You heard me right the first time -- name of bachelor Johnny Cool. Occupation -- big shot. Occupation at the moment, just having fun...what a party that was, the drinks were loaded and so were the dolls. I poured a stiff Manhattan and then I saw...Hotsy. What a dame, a big boundiful babe in the region of 38-44-48. ...One hell of a region. She had the hottest lips since Hiroshima and I had to stand back for fear of being burnt. "Whisky wow-wow," I breathed -- she was dressed as Buffo the Bear. In that kind of outfit, she could get rolled at night...''(music stops)'' ...and I don't mean at a craps table.}}

* Calvin of ''[[Calvin and Hobbes]]'' delivers dead-on parodies of the [[Private Eye Monologue]] as Tracer Bullet, one of his alter egos.

{{quote| "I keep two magnums in my desk. One's a gun and I keep it loaded. The other's a bottle and it keeps '''me''' loaded. I'm Tracer Bullet. I'm a professional snoop."<br />

"I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop and I pack a revolver."<br />

"Suddenly, a gorilla dragged me into an alley, folded me into an accordion and played a polka on my spine."<br />

{{quote| "''She was tall and long-legged and her blonde hair hung down sort of like what Beethoven had in mind when he wrote the Moonlight sonata. She wore a knit sweater and jeans so tight it looked as if she'd been poured into them and forgot to say When. When she moved, she seemed to undulate under her clothes in ways that took a man's mind off the state of the economy.''"}}

* ''[[Firesign Theatre|Nick Danger: Third Eye]]''.

{{quote| '''Nick Danger:''' "That reminded me: how had she gotten herself involved with that slimy weasel Rococo? and... how do I make my voice do this?"<br />

* The ''[[Doctor Who (TV)|Doctor Who]]'' audio dramas (as well as several of the books and comics, but never the series) have featured a companion of the 6th Doctor named Frobisher. He's a shapeshifter private eye who prefers to spend his time in the shape of a penguin. The audio drama "The Maltese Penguin" pretty much is full of monologues, many of which are entirely [[Unreliable Narrator|inaccurate]].

{{quote| '''Frobisher (narrating):''' 'I dived out of sight into an alleyway gracefully. ''[sound of trash cans crashing and [[That Poor Cat|a cat yowling]]]''}}

* Also played straight with the Philip Marlowe radio series, naturally -- atnaturally—at least, the excellent version with Gerald Mohr.

* Lovingly parodied in the ZBS Foundation's [https://web.archive.org/web/20121106043505/http://www.zbs.org/catalog/product_info.php?cPath=2_24&products_id=34 ''Ruby 1: The Adventures of a Galactic Gumshoe''] series:

{{quote| '''Ruby (narrating):''' ". . . Who really wanted him dead? . . . Yeah, [[Medium Awareness|the Author.]] Authors--they create characters just so they can blow them away. Writing is a dirty business."}}

* The first episode of [[The Burkiss Way (Radio)|The Burkiss Way]] finishes with a sketch spoofing this:

{{quote| '''Harry Nelson:''' "My name is Harry Nelson, private investigator. I operate on the East Side of Manhattan, where private eyes keep their eyes out for loose women, and private dicks keep getting arrested. The story you're about to hear is true, only the facts have been changed to make it sound better. It was a dismal, thick kind of evening in late November. I was in my office, thinking about no naked girl in particular. Outside, the darkened city was all quiet, just the occasional song and dance number from a jerk splashing about in rain puddles. The door opened, and in walked a dame. She was a redhead, with blonde hair."}}

* Played straight in the [[Film Noir]] [[Show Within a Show]] in the musical ''[[City of Angels (musical)|City of Angels]]''.

== VideogamesVideo Games ==

* Played straight in both gamesinstallments of the ''[[Max Payne (Video Gameseries)|Max Payne]]'' series. In fact, the entire story is provided with a voice-over by the titular character (who has every right to be more than a little grumpy).

{{quote| '''Max''': [''in a dream, when it is revealed to him that he's in a graphic novel''] The truth split my skull open, a glaring green light washing the lies away. All of my past was just fragmented still shots, words hanging in the air like balloons. I was in a graphic novel. Funny as Hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of.<br />

{{quote| '''Mankin:''' "Say, I do like your 'ard-boiled dialogue. 'Ow long d'you boil it?"}}

* Both played straight and parodied in the [[Tex Murphy]] games.

* No voice work, but ''[[Hotel Dusk: Room 215]]'' does this stylistically, especially in the post-chapter summaries. The main character's a former NYPD looking for a friend who apparently betrayed him.

* ''[[In FamousInfamous (Videovideo game Gameseries)|In Famous]]'' character Cole McGrath uses this in every comic-style cutscenes.

* ''[[LA Noire (Video Game)|LAL.A. Noire]]'' being a Noir game has this at the beginning of every case.

== WebcomicsWeb Comics ==

* Featured in [http://nonadventures.com/2006/12/09/sin-derella/ this strip] of ''[[The Non -Adventures of Wonderella]]'', as part of the ''[[Sin City]]'' parody.

* Jip does this in ''[http://www.nobmouse.net/2009/07/10/the-squeeze-part-one/ The Squeeze]'', a film noir parody strip from ''[[The Life of Nob T. Mouse]]''.

* Gabriel narrates the fourth chapter of ''[[Evil Diva (Webcomicwebcomic)|Evil Diva]]'' like this. He appears to be writing a film noir novel based on the events happening around him (then again, maybe he just writes his diary entries in the hard-boiled detective voice). It's not ''spoken'' dialogue, but it's [[The Speechless|as close as Gabe can come]].

* done rather oddly in this''[[Pibgorn]]'': [http://fullmooncitywww.smackjeevesgocomics.com/comicspibgorn/11565182003/full-moon-city-08/27/ the-blade- guy in- the-coin-part-1/ trenchcoat].

* The series ''[[There Will Be Brawl]]'' is set in a gritty film-noir-ish version of the Mushroom Kingdom, so it's only natural that Luigi (the protagonist) narrates much of the story in this fashion. It's played completely straight though.

* Parodied in [[Stupid Mario Brothers]] with [[Max Payne (Video Gameseries)|Max Payne]] saying his out loud which makes him look weird to everyone else.

* ''[[Five 5-Second Films]]'': [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgH7z6tzRa0&feature=g-u&context=G2c84993FUAAAAAAABAA The Big Drip.]

* An entire episode of ''[[Codename Kids Next Door|Codename: Kids Next Door]]'' has Hoagie playing the part of a grade school Private Eye with an office in the janitor's closet. Not only does he use the PI dialogue, the entire episode is a parody of the film noir genre with school hallways becoming fog-shrouded streets, the hallway monitor acting like a hard-nosed police detective, and everyone using bad 30's slang.

* The ''[[Count Duckula (Animation)|Count Duckula]]'' episode "All In A Fog" had the Count playing at being a film noir private eye, and a [[Running Gag]] involving other characters asking him how he did the [[Private Eye Monologue]] without moving his lips.

* A similar joke occurs in the ''[[Bonkers (Animation)|Bonkers]]'' episode "Frame that Toon", which also uses the PI dialogue. At the end, it's revealed that {{spoiler|Bonkers isn't doing the narrating, a doppelganger is.}}

* ''[[Batman: theThe Brave And The Bold (Animation)|Batman the Brave And The Bold]]'' does this often -- ratheroften—rather appropriate, with its regular dropping of the phrase "World's Greatest Detective".

* Superman does one in ''[[Superman the Animated Series|Superman: The Animated Series]]'', in the episode "The Late Mr. Kent".

* ''[[Tom and Jerry]]'': (Animation)|Jerry's]] narration in "Blue Cat Blues" is clearly based off this.

* Spoofed in a ''[[Pinky and The Brain]]'' episode parodying [[Film Noir]]: Brain would do a [[Spock Speak]] monologue, and Pinky would suggest the standard [[Private Eye Monologue]] alternative.

{{quote| '''Brain:''' It couldn't fail. But then... ''she'' walked back into my life. Billie -- a comely female specimen of consummate genetic design.<br />

'''Pinky:''' Is that like a real swell dish with more curves than Mulholland Drive, Brain?<br />

* The 2003 version of ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2003 (Animation)|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2003]]'' ranges this in the beginning of each episode from the turtles to their enemies like Shredder ("Tales of Leo" and "Exodus Part 2"), Hun ("Hun on the Run"), and Bishop ("Worlds Collide Part 3", "Aliens Among Us", and "Outbreak"). Seasons 6 and 7 don't apply this. This is a holdover from the comics, which used this trope as a parody of [[Frank Miller]]'s writing.

* Not only does the titular Bogart/Marlowe-style robotic PI in [[Gerry AndersonsAnderson]]'s stop-motion series ''[[Dick Spanner, P.I.]]'' keep up a near-constant monologue, his narration is the ''only'' comprehensible dialogue in the entire show; everyone elseselse's lines consist of a mixture of mumbling, blah blah blahs and the odd proper sentence. The only other character who gets real dialogue is a prisoner who keeps getting pre-empted by Spanners narration anyway.

{{quote| ''"He told me he was planning to break out of this joint."''<br />

"...I'm breaking out of this joint."<br />

''"He must have had help on the outside."''<br />

"...I had help on the outside."<br />

''"It looked like a good scam."''<br />

{{quote| '''Phineas''': The sun beat down on the city like a hammer, a relentless hot beating hammer hammering down like a big metaphor that was... hot, for some reason.}}