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{{work}}
{{quote|''"Grignr slipped his right hand to his thigh, concealing a small opaque object beneath the folds of the g-string wrapped about his waist. Brine wells swelled in Grignr's cold, jade squinting eyes, which grown accustomed to the gloom of the stygian pools of ebony engulfing him, were bedazzled and blinded by flickerering radiance cast forth by the second soldiers's resin torch."''}}
 
Described as "the worst fantasy novella ever", ''[http://ansible.co.uk/misc/eyeargon.html '''The Eye Ofof Argon]''''' by Jim Theis, who was 16 when he wrote it, is the tale of Grignr, a foul-mouthed barbarian warrior who is trying to escape the dungeons of [[Evil Overlord]] Agaphim and rescue a young woman named Carthena from a pagan cult who want to sacrifice her to their idol - a statue with one eye called "The Eye of Argon" (a "scarlet emerald", complete with some interesting plumbing).
 
The story is well known for its abundant cliches, shoddy spelling, [[Flat Character|flat characters]], wooden dialogue and [[Purple Prose|overly colourful writing]]. Every woman is a "wench", eyes are "emerald orbs". [[Said Bookism|Nothing is ever "said"]] - instead it is "queried" or [[That Came Out Wrong|"ejaculated"]] or "husked" or "stated [[Perfectly Cromulent Word|whimsicoracally]]". There's an extended scene involving elderly priests groping Carthena, and a scene where Grignr has sex with (or possibly just hugs) a "half-naked harlot... with a lithe, opaque nose". One cult member [[Deus Ex Machina|randomly faints by an epileptic fit in battle]], and another suffers a savage, multi-paragraph [[Groin Attack]].
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The most widely-known and -circulated copy of the story comes to an abrupt and unsatisfactory halt, and for many years it was believed that the ending was lost forever (or even, in some quarters, that the story was never completed). Recent years have seen the separate discoveries of two intact copies of the fanzine in which ''The Eye of Argon'' debuted, so it is now known how the tale ends. (With multiple exclamation marks, it turns out.)
 
At science fiction conventions, ''The Eye Ofof Argon'' is now a sort of parlor game. All participants sit in a circle with a hard copy of the story, and the first one starts reading aloud--pronouncing every word as it's misspelled, and including every adjective. When he or she finally bursts into laughter, the copy is passed to the next person. If a person manages to make it through more than a page, the copy is sometimes passed anyway, on the grounds that the reader must have special training as a news anchor.
 
A [httphttps://ansible.co.uk/misc/eyeargon.html nicely-retyped transcription], not perfect but quite a bit better, has long been in circulation, with a transcriber's note apologising for its inability to reproduce the original's typesetting and illustrations. ItAn ebook edition with the illustrations is nowavailable from the [https://taff.org.uk/ebooks.php?x=EyeArgon Trans-Atlantic Fan Fund]. It is also possible to view a [httphttps://ansible.co.uk/misc/eyeargon.pdf facsimile copy] of the original publication, in all its strangely-set and oddly-illustrated glory(?). This facsimile ''does'' include the lost ending.
 
As reading it raw may cause brain damage, you can settle for [https://web.archive.org/web/20130517120248/http://www.bmsc.washington.edu/people/merritt/books/Eye_of_Argon.html the MST'd version], or this [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikM_Lh8Q0xo Dramatic Reading of Chapter One on You Tube]. For those whom are unable to read it sober, we have the [[Drinking Game]] over [[The Eye of Argon/Drinking Game|here]].
 
Compare ''[[Atlanta Nights]]'' and ''[[My Immortal]]''.
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* [[0% Approval Rating]] - Agaphim only stays in power because he has such a [[The Horde|vast army]].
* [[Accidentally Accurate]] - There is in fact such a thing as [[wikipedia:Red beryl|scarlet emerald]]. It's not known if the author knew this, however.
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=== [[Adam Cadre]]'s ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'' fan-[[MS TingMSTing]] presentation has examples of: ===
 
* [[Fate Worse Than Death]] - The straight lines from the original story is not left un-riffed. It happens so frequently it's lampshaded.
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* [[Heroic BSOD]] - The abrupt, non-existent ending leaves Crow utterly broken, and the others are forced to leave him behind in the theater. [http://keithpalmer.ca/mst3k/favourites/book-ads.txt Fortunately], he recovers.
* [[Magic: The Gathering]] - "Tor Giant?"
* [[MST]] - [https://web.archive.org/web/20130517120248/http://www.bmsc.washington.edu/people/merritt/books/Eye_of_Argon.html One of the classics], written by [[Adam Cadre]] in 1996.
{{quote|'''Theis''': '' The paunchy noble's sagging round face flushed suddenly pale,...''
'''Crow''': ''It flushed pale? Did it blanch red after that?''
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** And more also...
{{quote|'''Mike''': [[Never Say That Again|Never say [word used in previous extract] again]].}}
** And [[Overly Long Gag|more]] ''[[Overly Long Gag|also'']]''...
{{quote|'''Story''': [Grignr displaying some character trait, e.g. logic, wisdom, deep psychological insight]
'''Mike''': When I think of [character trait], I think of three names: [two noted names in the field of said trait], Grignr. }}
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[[Category:Thud and Blunder]]
[[Category:The Eye of Argon]]
[[Category:Novella]]
{{DEFAULTSORT:Eye of Argon, The}}
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