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Line 1: {{~~work~~Just for Fun}} Imagine what would happen if ~~<s>Luna Lovegood</s>~~ [[Skippy's List\|Skippy]] went to [[Harry Potter\|Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry]]. Inspired by the antics of the infamous Skippy and the equally infamous [[Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG\|Mister Welch]], several different sets of Internet denizens took it upon themselves to generate useful guidelines for proper student behavior at the premiere institution for Magical education in the British Isles. At least three such lists exist, and probably more; they most commonly number around 150 rules of thumb, instructions and exhortations to the young spellcaster of... less than normal mindset. Since there is no single definitive set of Things Not Allowed At Hogwarts, All The Tropes has, as a public service, selected one of these lists and leavened it with items ~~<s>cherrypicked</s>~~ carefully gleaned from its compatriots, and has presented the assembled wisdom here for your enjoyment. Naturally, opinions may vary as to what the best items of any of the lists actually are, so tropers should feel free to <s>poach</s> add their own favorites to the list below. ~~----~~ == The List == * I will not call Lucius Malfoy [[Labyrinth\|"Jareth"]]. * Calling Lucius Malfoy "[[Sluggy Freelance\|Luscious]] Mouthful" is just plain gross. * Adding the name [[Ferris Bueller's Day Off\|"Bueller"]] to Professor Binns' roster is not funny. * I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort. * Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege". * I will not teach the first years to sing [[Discworld ~~(Literature)~~\|"A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End"]]. * I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy. * I shall not give Professor Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas. Line 24 ⟶ 23: * I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as [[The Powerpuff Girls\|"Blossom," "Buttercup," and "Bubbles."]] * I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as [[Iron Chef\|"Kitchen Stadium"]]. * "Potter 6, Voldemort 0", is not a valid [[Fun T-Shirt\|T-shirt slogan]]. * I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute. * Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not [[Sluggy Freelance\|use guns against the Death Eaters]]. * Telling Luna Lovegood that ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]]'' is a documentary is an unkind thing to do. * If Professor Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, [[The Three Little Pigs\|"Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"]] Line 37 ⟶ 36: * Tricking the school house-elves into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Pwned!" * "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell. ** Neither is "Hold my butterbeer and watch this!" * I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha. * Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. [[A Date with Rosie Palms\|"Polishing my wand"]] in the common room is not. Line 42: * There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every year. * I am not to owl copies of the [[Evil Overlord List]] to suspected Death Eaters. * I am not [[Xena: Warrior Princess\|Xena, Warrior Princess]] and I shall not use war cries to [[~~Dramatic~~Dynamic ~~Entrance~~Entry\|signal my entrance]] into any classroom. * I am not [[Red Dwarf\|the King of the Potato People]] and I do not have a flying carpet. * I shall not aim an angry dragon at the Whomping Willow and take bets on which comes out the victor. Line 51: * First years are not to be fed to Fluffy. * I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is. * I will stop asking when we will learn to make [[The Clovers\|"Love Potion Number Nine"]]. * I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing. * I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book. Line 82: * I will not detonate Squibs. * Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept. * "[[Never Heard That One Before\|I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name]]" is not a challenge. * I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey. * I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas. * I will not offer to prepare [[Sluggy Freelance\|tandoori owl]]. * [[The Producers\|''Springtime for Voldemort'']] is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play. * When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout [[Highlander\|"There can be only ONE!"]] Line 95: * If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to cast it. * I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort. * I will not [[Toad Licking\|lick Trevor]]. * I will not sing the entire [[Schoolhouse Rock\|Multiplication Rock]] series during Arithmancy exams. * It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back." Line 123: * I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order [[Too Dumb to Live\|just to see what happens]]. * I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in the common room. * I will not transfigure Ron ~~Weasly~~Weasley into a levitating snake. * I will not draw [[Red Dwarf\|an "H" on Percy Weasley's forehead]]. * I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween. Line 156: * I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing. * I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as [[Monty Python and the Holy Grail\|"Tim the Enchanter"]]. * I am not allowed to [[Locked in a Room\|lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet]] to see if [[Ho Yay\|hot gay sex will occur]]. * I am not allowed to make [[Star Wars\|lightsaber]] sound with my wand. * I am not allowed to [[Avatar (film)\|paint the house-elves blue]]. * I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor. * I am not allowed to set up a first year on a blind date with Moaning Mrytle. * I am not allowed to sing my own [[Background Music\|personal spy music]] while wandering the hallways. * I am not allowed to try attacks from ''[[Sailor Moon]]'' to see if they work since I am in a more magical environment. ** I will be held responsible for any damage I cause. * I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors. * I am not allowed to yell [[Cutey Honey\|"Honey FLASH!"]] when Tonks morphs. * I am not allowed to hire Aragog's children to spell out [[Charlotte's Web\|"Some Pig"]] in spiderweb over anyone's bed. ** Not even Pansy Parkinson. * A time turner is not a [[Back to the Future (film)\|flux capacitator]], and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars. Line 182: * There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation. * There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong. * There is no such thing as a were-[[w:Thylacine\|thylacine]]. * I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant. * I will not start [[Food Fight\|food fights]] in the Great Hall. * If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and [[Face Doodling\|draw the Dark Mark on their arm]]. * I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways. * [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy\|"42"]] is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s. Line 195: * The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball. * I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss. * The [[Easter Bunny]] is not Jesus' Animagus form. * No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate [[Steve Irwin]] during Care of Magical Creatures class. * The Ravenclaws are not "[[Dune\|Mentats]] in training". * [[wikipedia:Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab\|Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab]] does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones". Line 205: * I am not one of the 110 types of Rhinovirus Animagus; even if I were, it would be cheating [[The Sword in the Stone\|to win a Wizard's Duel by transforming]]. * ''[[Doctor Mordrid]]'' is not an educational film. ** ''[[Doctor Strange (2016 film)\|Doctor Strange]]'', on the other hand... * I will not attempt to repel Dementors by coating myself in chocolate body paint. * I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new professors are introduced. Line 221 ⟶ 222: * That glowing green potion I mixed up does not re-animate the dead. * I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Professor Lupin's office door. * [[Oingo Boingo\|"Dead Man's Party"]] is a kickass song but probably not appropriate for a Deathday celebration. Ditto "No One Lives Forever". * Hermione, Luna and Ginny are not my [[Charlie's Angels\|Angels]]. * [[Clarke's Third Law\|Sufficently advanced technology]] is ''not'' indistinguishable from magic. * I will not address Hagrid as [[The Simpsons (animation)\|"Groundskeeper Willie"]]. * I will not ask Firenze if he can get me [[Mr. Ed]]'s autograph. ** Further, I will keep all "hung like a horse" jokes to myself in Diviniation class. Line 230 ⟶ 231: * I will not teach the veela the lyrics to [[Britney Spears\|"Oops, I Did It Again"]] even if they ask nicely. * Asking Professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothes, or give you x-ray vision, is not permitted. * Asking Professor Flitwick where [[Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs (novel)\|Snow White]] is is not permitted. * I will stop charming Professor Snape's robes to bright purple (or any bright color for that matter). * Mail order dinosaurs are ''not'' good birthday presents for Hagrid. Line 255 ⟶ 256: * Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" in Potions class will not get me extra points. * Screaming "VOLDEMORT!" in crowded hallways is not in good taste. * I will not raise my wand and shout [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe\|"By the Power of Hogwarts!"]] in Transfigurations class. * And lastly, I will not use a time turner to go into the past and seduce my father, thereby ceasing to exist, which means I could not have gone into the past and seduced my father, which means I do exist, which means I can go back and . . . oh, nevermind. [[Category:{{BASEPAGENAME}}]]▼ {{reflist}} {{Harry Potter Franchise}} ▲[[Category:{{~~BASEPAGENAME~~PAGENAME}}]] [[Category:Just for Fun]] [[Category:Literature]] [[Category:Funny]] [[Category:Harry Potter]] [[Category:Pages Original to All The Tropes]] [[Category:Fan Works of the 2000s]] [[Category:Fan Works of the 2010s]]