Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do At Hogwarts: Difference between revisions
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Imagine what would happen if
Since there is no single definitive set of Things Not Allowed At Hogwarts, All The Tropes has, as a public service, selected one of these lists and leavened it with items
== The List ==
* I will not call Lucius Malfoy [[Labyrinth|"Jareth"]].
* Calling Lucius Malfoy "[[Sluggy Freelance|Luscious]] Mouthful" is just plain gross.
* Adding the name [[Ferris Bueller's Day Off|"Bueller"]] to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.
* I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort.
* Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".
* I will not teach the first years to sing [[Discworld
* I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
* I shall not give Professor Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.
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* I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as [[The Powerpuff Girls|"Blossom," "Buttercup," and "Bubbles."]]
* I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as [[Iron Chef|"Kitchen Stadium"]].
* "Potter 6, Voldemort 0", is not a valid [[Fun T-Shirt|T-shirt slogan]].
* I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute.
* Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not [[Sluggy Freelance|use guns against the Death Eaters]].
* Telling Luna Lovegood that ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]]'' is a documentary is an unkind thing to do.
* If Professor Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, [[The Three Little Pigs|"Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"]]
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* Tricking the school house-elves into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Pwned!"
* "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
** Neither is "Hold my butterbeer and watch this!"
* I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
* Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. [[A Date with Rosie Palms|"Polishing my wand"]] in the common room is not.
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* There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every year.
* I am not to owl copies of the [[Evil Overlord List]] to suspected Death Eaters.
* I am not [[Xena: Warrior Princess|Xena, Warrior Princess]] and I shall not use war cries to [[
* I am not [[Red Dwarf|the King of the Potato People]] and I do not have a flying carpet.
* I shall not aim an angry dragon at the Whomping Willow and take bets on which comes out the victor.
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* First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
* I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
* I will stop asking when we will learn to make [[The Clovers|"Love Potion Number Nine"]].
* I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.
* I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
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* I will not detonate Squibs.
* Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
* "[[Never Heard That One Before|I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name]]" is not a challenge.
* I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
* I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
* I will not offer to prepare [[Sluggy Freelance|tandoori owl]].
* [[The Producers|''Springtime for Voldemort'']] is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
* When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout [[Highlander|"There can be only ONE!"]]
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* If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to cast it.
* I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
* I will not [[Toad Licking|lick Trevor]].
* I will not sing the entire [[Schoolhouse Rock|Multiplication Rock]] series during Arithmancy exams.
* It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."
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* I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order [[Too Dumb to Live|just to see what happens]].
* I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in the common room.
* I will not transfigure Ron
* I will not draw [[Red Dwarf|an "H" on Percy Weasley's forehead]].
* I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
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* I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
* I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as [[Monty Python and the Holy Grail|"Tim the Enchanter"]].
* I am not allowed to [[Locked in a Room|lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet]] to see if [[Ho Yay|hot gay sex will occur]].
* I am not allowed to make [[Star Wars|lightsaber]] sound with my wand.
* I am not allowed to [[Avatar (film)|paint the house-elves blue]].
* I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.
* I am not allowed to set up a first year on a blind date with Moaning Mrytle.
* I am not allowed to sing my own [[Background Music|personal spy music]] while wandering the hallways.
* I am not allowed to try attacks from ''[[Sailor Moon]]'' to see if they work since I am in a more magical environment.
** I will be held responsible for any damage I cause.
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* There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.
* There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
* There is no such thing as a were-[[w:Thylacine|thylacine]].
* I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
* I will not start [[Food Fight|food fights]] in the Great Hall.
* If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and [[Face Doodling|draw the Dark Mark on their arm]].
* I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
* [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|"42"]] is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s.
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* The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
* I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
* The [[Easter Bunny]] is not Jesus' Animagus form.
* No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate [[Steve Irwin]] during Care of Magical Creatures class.
* The Ravenclaws are not "[[Dune|Mentats]] in training".
* [[wikipedia:Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab|Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab]] does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".
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* I am not one of the 110 types of Rhinovirus Animagus; even if I were, it would be cheating [[The Sword in the Stone|to win a Wizard's Duel by transforming]].
* ''[[Doctor Mordrid]]'' is not an educational film.
** ''[[Doctor Strange (2016 film)|Doctor Strange]]'', on the other hand...
* I will not attempt to repel Dementors by coating myself in chocolate body paint.
* I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new professors are introduced.
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* That glowing green potion I mixed up does not re-animate the dead.
* I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Professor Lupin's office door.
* [[Oingo Boingo|"Dead Man's Party"]] is a kickass song but probably not appropriate for a Deathday celebration. Ditto "No One Lives Forever".
* Hermione, Luna and Ginny are not my [[Charlie's Angels|Angels]].
* [[Clarke's Third Law|Sufficently advanced technology]] is ''not'' indistinguishable from magic.
* I will not address Hagrid as [[The Simpsons (animation)|"Groundskeeper Willie"]].
* I will not ask Firenze if he can get me [[Mr. Ed]]'s autograph.
** Further, I will keep all "hung like a horse" jokes to myself in Diviniation class.
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* Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" in Potions class will not get me extra points.
* Screaming "VOLDEMORT!" in crowded hallways is not in good taste.
* I will not raise my wand and shout [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|"By the Power of Hogwarts!"]] in Transfigurations class.
* And lastly, I will not use a time turner to go into the past and seduce my father, thereby ceasing to exist, which means I could not have gone into the past and seduced my father, which means I do exist, which means I can go back and . . . oh, nevermind.
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