All the Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Vows: Difference between revisions

Extensions to the [[Evil Overlord List]]. They're written by the editors here, so don't expect sanity.

 

Sanity may not be expected, but remember... '''[[Dangerously Genre Savvy|DANGEROUSLY GENRE SAVVY!]]''' (Seriously, I got a short way down and had to come up here to add this. Apparently, many tropers are not as genre aware as they think they are.)

 

 

Also, don't just add things villains have done that annoy you unless they're actually counterproductive to the [[Evil Scheme]].

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** All my mooks will be instructed to take cover behind the red non-lethal barrels and to avoid the rusty-brown ones if they are under attack by the hero.

** He will also eagerly waste ammunition on the red barrels, as my minions take cover behind them, in an attempt to blow them up.

* If the Hero mowing down my [[We Have Reserves|Legions]] of [[Redshirt Army|Terror]] wouldn't last five minutes against my own [[Authority Equals Asskicking|unholy]] [[Sorcerous Overlord|might]], [[Orcus on His Throne|I will invest those five minutes]].

* I will not use [[We Will Use Manual Labor in the Future|slave labor]] for any task [[No OSHA Compliance|better suited]] to machinery.

** However, in an urban or industrial setting, I should be cautious so as not to over-mechanize my society, particularly if this would render a large population of citizens unemployed. Keeping plebs downtrodden and impoverished is fine, but if there are no jobs or no ways to make ends meet then heroes are always more likely to emerge or find sympathy. People in these slums or towns are far less likely to revolt if they're too busy working all day.

* If I have a monster [[Made of Iron|too]] [[Invincible Minor Minion|tough]] for the Hero's weaponry to hurt, I will never put it in a room with [[Boss Arena Idiocy|weapons, devices or explosives which CAN hurt it]]. If possible, the room shall be as bare as possible with no possible implements that could be extracted from the ground or wall. After all, [[MacGyvering]] is becoming an increasingly-common hero talent.

* I will not use a [[Black Magic|ritual]] to [[Instant Expert|grant]] [[Upgrade Artifact|great]] [[Super Empowering|power]] to [[Elite Mooks|a few select]] [[Super Soldier|Doom Troops]] when I can use the same ritual to [[Mass Super-Empowering Event|grant great power]] to [[Badass Army|ALL my Doom Troops]].

** The moment I'm sure it's safe I'll also grant this power to myself. Twice if possible.

* I will constantly have several useful, but superfluous plans in motion, with much less security than my actual plans. [[Xanatos Gambit|If they succeed I shall turn a profit, if not then the hero has just wasted valuable time stopping them]].

** I shall also remember to give these plans just enough security that the hero never says "This is too easy."

* I shall [[Conservation of Ninjitsu|always attack the heroes with one or two of my best men.]] That, or screw [[Mook Chivalry]] and mob him.

* I will remember that any [[Redshirt Army|enemy soldiers]] that are not the hero or in the hero's company are incapable of reliably capturing me, killing me, or otherwise doing anything that could jeopardize my health or my ability to be an [[Evil Overlord]]. Therefore, I will face an entire army of tanks, snipers, choppers, and [[Cool Plane|planes]] instead of facing [[The Hero]] if I am given the alternatives.

* I will read Machiavelli's ''The Prince'', before taking over anything, country, world, or otherwise. I will remember that Machiavelli never took over the world, nor built an empire that would last forever. Therefore, I will need to make some improvements to his ideas. I will also consider the possibility that Machiavelli's ''The Prince'' is satire.

* I will know that the best defence is the [[Status Quo Is God|status quo]] so i will use it against the hero and do everything in my power to maintain it.

* If I have, indeed, taken over the world and wish to secure my presence, I will supplement my Machiavelli with some Foucault.

* I will not name my [[Right-Hand-Cat|feline companion animal]] something frilly, feminine, starting with 'Mr.' or even something remotely good and TOTALLY NOT EVIL, like Sir Fluffernutter. No. Instead, I will name it something dangerous, menacing, and most definitely evil, like [[Warrior Cats|Hawkfrost]]. Better yet, [[Everything's Worse with Bears|I'll have a trained bear]]. Or perhaps I will use swans instead. The Hero and most other people seem to believe swans are graceful and innocent, so they'll be quite shocked when the swans reveal their [[Ax Crazy|true nature]] and attack them anyway. Furthermore, If I should lose my companion animal, I will immediately plan and implement revenge, and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES sob, shout "[[Big No|'NOOOOOOOOOO!!!]]" or otherwise enter a state of dramatic denial that could distract me from current developments. Being evil means I can have no strong emotional attachment to anyone, animals included.

** Nah. Even my most trusted can still [[Heel Face Turn|be turned]]. Just me.

* I will NOT be a [[Blood Knight]]. It makes no sense to drag out fights against the hero just so I can enjoy the fight. That's what gets foolish overlords killed.

** Likewise I will not send them [[Failure Is the Only Option|on impossible missions]]. Nor will I become incensed and kill them if they fail, if such a mission is ever necessary.

** Additionally, if minions fail or decide to leave (and submit their resignation rather than just running), they will be debriefed first. Even if they are to be shot later, I might as well get some final use out of them.

* My mooks will be taught to get along with each other to the point that they can use [[The Power of Friendship]] against a more heroic group of [[True Companions]].

* No matter how much it helps the atmosphere, my harem will not have a bunch of cushions everywhere, candlelight for its only light source and curtains for doors. It will be set up like a hotel, with real doors that lock, and security outside. Curtains, candles, and cushions are for ''inside''.

** All the girls in the harem will be kept in separate rooms so that they cannot conspire against me. The rooms will be well furnished and have basic cable, so that they will be content.

** I may consider putting all the girls in the harem in one large room with a lot of soft surfaces and no TV. Bored harem girls could well be a [[Girl-On-Girl Is Hot|good thing]]. I will keep the room under surveillance, of course. If they to conspire against me, I'll know. If they get bored... hey, bonus.

** I will always use protection, and all the harem members will be on the pill. The last thing I need is bastard offspring trying to kill me and take my place. Or syphilis. That's no fun, either.

** Better yet - I just [[Take a Third Option|won't have a harem at all.]] Anything that requires this much effort to keep safe just isn't worth it.

*** If I need women that badly, I will just buy Pay-Per-View, or if such technology does not exist, a "Gold Pass" to the local Brothel (Preferably one on the payroll, or at least one who keeps track of who's working for them). They won't want one of their prime customers dead, and I will enter and leave while disguised.

** If I need to have a harem, for whatever reason, I will hire a mix of those aforementioned hot amazons (doubling as bodyguards) and regular prostitutes. They still would be required to occasionally have (protected) sex with me, but they will be allowed to come and go as they please, sleep otherwise with whoever they like (in secret), get lavished with gifts, and most importantly, their families will be well taken care of. Helping their sickly little sisters become healthy will be the real loyalty winners. The baubles will just be bonuses.

* I will make sure to have ''two'' dining halls, and only rig one like this. Having something like this happen to my trusted lieutenant just because I'm paranoid and he forgot which seat it was isn't just a setback, it's bloody ''embarrassing''.

* My jail/prison/dungeon/gulag will be as far away from my primary base as physically possible. The base will have cells for temporary confinement, but all prisoners will be transferred to the main dungeon as quickly as possible. Their equipment will be sent to a different facility, preferably at least 20 miles or more from the prison.

** As an added bonus, if Evil Overlording proves not to be my style, this will allow me to seamlessly reinvent myself as a harem anime protagonist.

* My default battlefield policy will always be "take no prisoners". This especially applies to the heroes. The only cases where I will even consider capturing the hero will be:

* I will keep in mind that if my plan is dependent on knowledge that only the hero has, I have screwed up somewhere along the line. I will NOT however, mention that this is the policy, nor will it be implied. I will find someone disposable to say this, as mentioning the words "Take no prisoners" is assured death.

* Alternately I will follow closely to the Geneva Conventions. Enemies will be more likely to surrender if they know they will be well treated. My own troops can take comfort in that should they surrender they will not be falling in to the hands of those whose compatriots they have tortured or executed. Additionally, circumstances allowing, enemy armies may be given the choice to join me, or destroy their arms and return home.

* If, for some reason, I do need to take [[The Hero]] alive, I will ensure that he does not pose a threat to me by amputating all his limbs and keeping him in a box.

** Unless I, for some reason, need the hero to keep his limbs. Then I will fill the box with sharp objects and turn off the lights. Guards who can see in infrared or ultraviolet will be used to guard him, and will be equipped with the appropriate flashlights. These guards will also have buttons allowing them to turn on the lights if necessary. The lights will emit only in the visible spectrum and will be very bright. I never said those guards had to see in the visible spectrum.

* I will [[Bread and Circuses|foster happiness]] in my Empire. My interest is in power, not being a dick. Failing all else this will allow me to counter a heroic [[Combined Energy Attack]] with one of my own.

* I will foster communal wealth. Flat screens in the public park. All channels will include lessons on how to kill the Hero, his army, and any traitors. I will keep in mind that this could allow [[The Hero]] to prepare for such things.

* I will not rape anyone, ever. Doing so is a [[Moral Event Horizon|one-way ticket]] to a [[Karmic Death]], and those are ''never'' pleasant. Besides, if I want to be a competent overlord, I have to be able to control my desires.

** I will not tolerate rape on the part of any of my subordinates. Anyone caught doing so will be executed. [[Stuffed in A Fridge|Brutally]], [[Bloody Hilarious|slowly]], and [[Forced to Watch|in full view of the public.]] I mean, like ''horribly''. What's [[Rumble in The Bronx|that movie where someone gets stuffed into a woodchipper]]? Like that, only worse.

* If I have a wife, girlfriend, or significant other, I will remain faithful. The wrath of a [[Woman Scorned]] is probably the most powerful force in the universe (or at least right up there), and I'd rather not face it. I'm not having my plans shot to hell because I couldn't keep my pants on.

* If things between the wife and me go sour, I'll do my best to end things amicably and leave her with a decent alimony, to make her less tempted to help the hero. Or just quietly kill her.

** Nor will I place too much trust in so recently-brainwashed a follower. There's such a thing as [[Psychic Static]], and a good chance they're hiding that, like Topol did in ''[[Flash Gordon (film)|Flash Gordon]]''.

* I will not disregard any potential threat simply because it's [[Just a Kid]]. Instead, I will keep tabs on any kids who might turn out to be a [[Kid Hero]], ''especially'' skinny spiky-haired preteen boys and those who wear [[Rollerblade Good|rollerblades]] and speak in [[Totally Radical|antiquated '80s slang]].

* There is a time and a place for my [[Evil Laugh|maniacal laugh]], and that is right after my adorable little granddaughter does something cute (such as pulling the lever on the trap door under an incompetent minion) because she thinks my special laugh is cute and she will start laughing herself and very few Heroes will attack a doting grandfather while his 6 year-old granddaughter laughs with him. I will not, however, engage in maniacal laughter at an inappropriate time, such as when I am ordering my troops into battle or when my Grand Master Plan has nearly come to fruition, because any hero worthy of the name will choose that moment to attack.

* I will use robot guards programmed to kill any human on sight. Anyone loyal to me will have a special transmitter implanted in their brain, indicating to these robot guards that they are not targets. These transmitters will also deactivate on the death of their owner, and make their owners completely loyal to me, so the hero cannot exploit such an implant, allowing them access to my Evil Fortress.

** Or I will offer a raise for guards if they volunteer to become eunuchs (or for women whatever the female version is). Not only will it remove the want to chase tail but it also helps built muscle to kick tail instead. I will remember steers are stronger and bigger than bulls because "they focus on grass instead of ass".

** Alternately, I will ensure that my guards are provided with the opportunity to regularly visit brothels, or return home on leave to their significant others. After all, a sexually satisfied guard is less likely to fall for the hero(ine)'s charms.

* I could just use robots, of course. But make sure that the robots are ''actually'' robots, and don't [[Do Androids Dream?|dream]]. And I'll make sure they can't be reprogrammed without retinal clearance from my top roboticist, my head of security, and myself.

* I will have the retinal scanner disguised as a finger-print scanner. If anyone puts, say, the severed hand of my head of security up against it, it will spectacularly explode.

* Never, under any circumstances, will I take on a name like "Vincent the Invincible", or anything involving [[A God Am I|godhood]]. Even if it's deserved. ''Especially'' if it's deserved. [[Tempting Fate|Do I really]] [[Karmic Death|want to find out]] [[Not So Invincible After All|how invincible I am]] [[The Worf Effect|the hard way]]?

* If I am the Overlord of a video game, I will have my Legions of Evil track down any and all [[Save Point|saving]]/[[Trauma Inn|healing]] points and either remove them or [[Everything Is Trying to Kill You|rig them to]] [[Stuff Blowing Up|violently self-destruct]] or otherwise attack the hero if he ([[No Man of Woman Born|or she]]) tries to use them. Except for one, which will be moved to my personal quarters and restricted to my own use. [[Save Scumming]] may be cheating, but then again, [[Fighting Dirty|I am an Evil Overlord.]]

** Removing said monsters and bandits will also [[Villain with Good Publicity|improve my reputation among the populace]] and reduce the chances of poverty-induced discontent.

* If I develop a superweapon to use against the heroes, [[You Can't Thwart Stage One|its first public use will be against the heroes]]. Any tests will be made in out-of-the-way locations against people that will never be missed (and that's only if totally-unpopulated targets aren't an option), so the heroes will have no warning and no chance to develop a counter-measure.

* I will never depend on a superweapon that has its complete design specs easily available in any library or on the Internet. Ideally, any superweapon I use will have been designed by my own scientists anyway, and if I've been reading this far I wouldn't have put them on the Internet anyway. Or ever connected any computer that the designs have ever been on to the Internet.

* I will put my most sensitive information in an obscure format only readable by my own software, [[Hidden in Plain Sight]] as a derelict terminal not connected to the Network and without any external ports or removable disc drives whatsoever, placed somewhere where no-one will bother to look for it, such as a museum.

** I will, along with this, make sure that the said terminal is readily accessible to myself and whoever must be in on it by the Need to Know Basis' requirements, and in a way that will not attract attention. Me and/or my trusted lieutenants paying visits to nondescript terminals will have great significance to the hero, as it signals that the nondescript terminal in question has some significance to me.

* I will not listen to the princess/heroine/love interest when she says [[The Scarpia Ultimatum|she'll marry me if only I spare the hero's life.]] The fact that she was not willing to entertain the idea when his life was ''not'' on the line suggests her priorities are elsewhere.

* I will have him executed out of her sight, dress up a similar looking minion dress up in his clothes, "release" the minion in front of her, and marry her.

* Although it's normally standard policy to remind myself that there are lots of other women in the world, I must consider the possibility that she may be a princess and I could need her politically. Under these circumstances, I will instead marry whichever heir is the weakest of will, regardless of her personal appearances. Nobody ever said I had to be faithful.

* I will strike a happy compromise. She might be [[Beautiful All Along]], and/or end up aiding the heroes, if I am unfaithful. Even if she does not, she may conveniently take me out after my utter defeat, which should not happen if I have read this list. Or it might be in my moment of triumph.

* I will not keep a gigantic, man-eating beast that is likely to eat just anyone who happens to dump into its moat or dungeon. If it can't be trained into never trying to eat ''me'', it's not worth the risk.

* When a noble hero convinces another, less noble hero not to kill me, it is not the right time for me to push my luck. In a situation like that, I will not mock them for being so naive and promise that eventually I'll kill them both. Instead, I will act humble and remorseful for as long as they've got me dead to rights.

* I will not suddenly start acting evil again once they've no longer got me, either. I will at least wait until they're out of both sight and earshot.

* If I hear a suspicious sound coming from somewhere in my fortress or just outside my camp, I will send out three henchmen to investigate: one in the direction from which the sound was coming, two in the opposite direction.

* I will strive to avoid healing techniques that drain life from one person to heal another. It will only be considered if I have condemned criminals for execution; let their wasted lives be spent to save others.

* I will encourage my soldiers to bring their children to work. The children will learn from common mistakes that are made, and be more likely to work as soldiers. Also, the hero will be less likely to attack my soldiers, in fear that they might hit a child, or leave a child without a father or mother. Also, children could make good back-up soldiers, due to their [[Infant Immortality|surprising resistance to bullets and cuts.]]

* I will make the first Friday of every month "Funny Hat Day". Not only will it raise morale of my Legions of Evil but the hero will think twice about [[Dressing as the Enemy|posing as one of them]] when they have to wear a hat made out of fake fruit.

** I will also grant rewards for the funniest hats. Forcing my minions to humiliate themselves is not good for morale.

** Crawling through a ventilation shaft makes a lot of noise. So when the hero tries to escape, I can just have my men shoot at the sound.

** In a realistic setting, the air ducts will simply break under his weight, providing ample amusement as he tries to spy on my plans.

* A third alternative to [[Evil Overlord List|Rule 2]], I will, if at all possible, avoid having ventilation ducts in my evil fortress. I will instead make sure that all areas are well ventilated by other means. The only air ducts will be in the prison, and those will be dead ends after two turns and about 20 feet. They will also be trapped to seal anyone inside them, and then fill with a non-lethal paralytic toxin. My guards will immediately inform me by radio of their attempt, and I will enjoy a brief yet hearty chuckle. While they are moved to another cell, they will be kept under heavy guard, and they will be shackled, bound, gagged, and any other means I have of keeping them immobile will be applied.

* I will not wear my badass sunglasses at night, unless I'm working on something brightly lit for my [[Evil Plan|EvilPlans]], I have [[Resident Evil|demonic glowing cat eyes]] that allow me to see in such darkness, [[Artemis Fowl|confronting someone who can mesmerize me by eye contact]], and/or I'm in Alaska or Antarctica around the time of year when the sun is out all the time. They will impair my vision otherwise, though [[Rule of Cool|they do look awesome.]]

*** If I don't need access to the item, I'll either leave it sitting in my own vault or break it. Even a health potion sitting in the dungeon will help anyone going through it. Hell, I'll put it in my vault if I do need it.

* I will hire my lieutenants based on their knowledge of Sun Tzu's "The Art of War".

*** But they should have plenty of field experience. Ruperts that learned all they know from books tend to think everything goes exactly as planned.

* If I'm fighting a hero whose family, friends, or loved ones I murdered, I will not taunt them by telling them "[[Would You Like to Hear How They Died?|so-and-so begged me to spare his/her life]]". That's more than just flirting with death, that's raping him.

** Plus, it just drives the rebellion underground. If they start stating their goals publicly, I can refute them publicly.

* I will not allow minions to [[Action Bomb|strap explosives onto themselves for when things go south]]. This just leads to trouble when I'm trying to execute them, and makes them more vulnerable.

** I will also make sure to actually treat her as a [[Morality Pet]]. [[Nice Job Breaking It, Hero|That way, if I die,]] the heroes might suddenly have to deal with a [[Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds]].

* If I decide to make a giant mech to smite my enemies, I shall make a hidden button that activates a [[Weak Point]]. I shall not press this button untill my enemies try to override my mech, at which point I will press the button, eject out of the cockpit, wait untill the heroes get into the mech... and then blast the [[Weak Point]] with a rocket launcher/[[Laser/BFG|BFG]] (Whichever is the best avalible.)

* If the hero has a One-Winged Angel form and attempts to use it on me, during the stage in which he goes "HRAAAAARGH" with a deep red glow i will immediately smash him to the floor with a swift haymaker punch.

*** I will first see what my universe's view of transhumanism and such are. If even slight deviations from the human pattern are a sign of Irredeemable Evil, I will stay clear of modding my guards because that is a good way to have insane monsters trying to kill me. If robots and mutants are people too, I will do this carefully and make sure the changes are temporary. If the heroes are allowed to use the power I'm giving the guards, I'll go right ahead. If the author's a transhumanist, odds are I'm opposed to this kind of stuff on principle anyway.

* All weapons will be equipped with fingerprint scanners that will explode if touched too heavily, along with a voice recognition program that also tests for breath, heat, and moisture before starting. If weapon requirements aren't met, it will release an electric shock and explode.

** While one can always dream, refitting every mook's equipment with such devices probably costs more than what the whole soldier is worth to me. Therefore, I will apply this solution for my personal elite units, AND for a number of random soldiers - about 1 in 20 sounds enough. I will ensure that equipment with recognition hardware is indistinguishable from regular gear. People will learn to be vary about stealing my men's stuff either way. (If this solution is still too expensive, I will simply make mooks with fixed weapons that cannot be separated from them. This will also help to prevent those annoying [[Dressing as the Enemy]] situations.)

* If a certain personality keep suggesting an idea while holding the [[Idiot Ball]], <s>I</s> we will consider removing it from the [[I Am Legion|legion mind]] or at least let it handle non-overlord functions only.

** That being said, so are [[The Virus|bio-weapons of any sort]]. Except for the kind you get by letting blood/excrement stagnate on a bayonet. Because it's ''easily controlled.''

* I will not use minions who [[Slave Mooks|desert, defect, or out-and-out panic]] when [[Decapitated Army|their leader dies]]. If my mooks can't be loyal in the first place, putting them under control of a slave driver is just going to make trouble.

** Minions will be specially trained to utilize their mutations effectively in and out of combat. [[Clipped-Wing Angel|Clipped Wing Angels]] just don't cut it.

** I will also avoid mutating the Hero's friend, lover, or relative. They'll break my mind control and attempt to kill me with the mutation that I've inflicted upon them. Even if they don't, it tends to cause [[Unstoppable Rage]].

* Female minions will be given more protective equipment than [[Breast Plate|metal lingere']].

** [http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6550847/female-armor-sucks detailed here]

* When assembling teams, I will go through everyone's backstories to check for possible sources of conflict. If one of the potential members happens to blame another for the tragedy that ruined his life, they ''do not'' work together.

* I will make it clear that anyone caught [[Metal Gear Solid|browsing a dirty magazine]], [[Metal Slug|playing a videogame, talking on his mobile phone]], or [[The Guards Must Be Crazy|napping]] while on duty will be fired. Out of a cannon. Negligence is what allows heroes to slip in.

* Only I will have the control to the magnetized chambers of my lair, I can't let anyone of my organization have such a device in their hands on the off chance they join my enemy; and possibly that they will muck around with it to make some damned faux hockey rink out of something I spent a lot of money on.

** Also: All of my minions will have implanted microchips used to repel the magnetization, which will destruct after their death to prevent usage.

** Alternatively, minions will wear suits with individually unique built-in computer system that is required to open locks, operate their weapons, etc. Each minion will have a unique microchip put either under their skin or under a flesh-colored patch, the absence of which will lock down the suit, trigger an alarm, and issuing a paralyzing electric shock if used on a lock, weapon, etc.

** If possible, I will also look into instead making a performance booster/healing serum for the suits that is toxic/caustic/acid/venom/poison/against the hero's personal code to use. If it one of the deadly options I will have all mooks either implanted/bio-engineered for resistance or develop and immunity. This way resources in the suit are still helpful, but also serve as a method from keeping it from being worn.

** If, by any chances, they are stored underground / in deep caves / some elaborate structures (which seems to be a lot), I'll just collapse the whole place and bury all those artifacts, dump a whole lot of concrete over the area, and set some people to watch over the area in case of heroes coming in to investigate the area.

*** Also, if possible and won't end up in a large disaster, such as the monsters in area dig up the cement, even if nobody blames me for it or it won't lower my public PR, I will use my resources to build a prosperous city on top of the cement filled area after I make sure there are no barracks that have accidentally formed somehow. On top of the most likely area that the item will be and dug down to, I will build a very good hospital that takes care of all diseases or issues, magical or biological, and have it that the basement will be needed for the proper running of the hospital. This way, the hero cannot/will not/doesn't think of digging down in that area to get the item. This hospital, payed for by me and my technology/magic, will not only be good for my PR, but a person will indeed get it into his head to dig down into basement and I will have guards in the hospital. If it's the hero then they will have to waste time trying to explain to everybody why in hell they were doing something that could possibly take down a very effective hospital that is, in fact, run by the very person they are getting the weapon to take that person down.

** But make sure to [[Genocide Backfire|absolutely destroy them, or else]] [[Titan A.E.|they'll bit you back, HARD]].

*** It [[Shaped Like Itself|pretty much answers itself.]]

* All protagonists who attempt to kill me will be given a computer with Internet access as a reward. And [[Main Page|this]] will be the [[Home Page]]. That ought to give me enough time to reach my Escape Vehicle and start the self-destruct sequence.

* I will found, christen, donate to, and attend charity events of an animal hospital and adoption center regularly. This will not only boost my PR, but the heroes will waste time trying to find out what sort of sinister reason there is that would justify my involvement. If the heroes try to bring it down, not only will they find that there wasn't anything suspicious happening there, but also makes them look much less heroic in the eyes of the public for destroying the place that takes care of all those helpless animals.

* Unless I am SURE that this universe has a [[Lost Aesop]], I will refrain from [[Not So Different|pointing out any contradictions]], [[What Is Evil?|grey areas]], [[Hannibal Lecture|or other weaknesses in the hero's moral code]]. [[The War On Straw|Odds are that the author put more thought into rebutting my complaints than the complaints themselves.]]

* If I'm aware that my death will triggers whatever nonsensible force to [[Collapsing Lair|collapse]] my [[Supervillain Lair]], I will make sure this also applies with all [[The Empire]] public structures such as aqueduct and mine shaft (just like my lair, I built most of them anyway). And I will remind the heroes that killing me mean years of drought and mineral shortage to millions people.

** That, or triggers a [[Doomsday Device]] which will detonate immediately after my [[Video Will]] / [[Nice Job Breaking It, Hero]] gloat ends, and my death means [[The End of the World as We Know It]].

* Rather than booby traps that kill outright, I will have booby traps that do character assassination as well. For example; a bookshelf full of [[Distracted by the Sexy|porn]] swing open when the hero steps through the laser sensor. All magazines will be coated in poison, so once he flips through his favorite naughty puplication, he drops dead. I merely need to display his corpse with a deathgrip on a [[Hentai]] for the ire of the masses over his death to fade into "I can't beleive we idolized that perv".

** I will make sure never to read the stuff myself where others can see me. If I need "adult" entertainment, it will be stored in a secure place, with an anti-eavesdropping EMP curtain and vault doors coded to my fingerprints, eyescan, voiceprint, DNA, and psychic information, and with at least one combination lock and two key-type locks.

* If the hero has a particularly [[The Cutie|gentle, nice, and sweet companion]], I will not [[Break the Cutie|torture]] or otherwise [[Beware the Nice Ones|provoke him/her]]. I will, however, attempt to keep some genuinely nice, gentle people around who are loyal to me personally.

*** However, if this is a [[Safe, Sane, and Consensual]] [[Author Tract]] where the villain is expected to have boring sex, I'll nail whoever I want however I want (''if'' my partner/s agrees to it and is at least 18, of course).

** No using genetic engineering for said creepy fetishes. If I've got to go through such waste for sex toys, I should step down.

* If I have other means to gain control of the kingdom then force a princess to marry me, I'll go with this plan instead. Also, I'll make sure to remember that "princess" is not synonym to "first beauty in the country" or to "perfect wife for evil lord."

** If the hero does manage to kill me, I will use the hidden weapon, I have on my person, not on the hero (he will probably dodge it any anyway,) but at the said backstabbing wife. My [[Final Speech]] will be: "Did you a favor." Then die.

* Should I discover an alien planet with sentient life hostile to my goals, I will genetically engineer a plague that works on them (and ONLY on them) and kills after 24 hours as well as a temporary cure. This plague shall be carefully engineered and tested to ensure that it cannot, under any circumstances, infect humans. Still, I will ensure that my minions (and myself) wear special bio-hazard suits outside of a few sterilized area into which aliens cannot go. After the population is infected and enough have died for them to be worried, I'll offer the 24 hours worth of antidote every day in return for a lifetime of free slave labor. Any who refuse will, obviously, be left to die.

* I will watch [[Burn Notice]] religiously and take notes on everything that Michael Westen does, including what details to research that are left out of the show. That information is invaluable for either setting up plans and/or counters of my own, or anticipating wht the hero might do and take the appropriate actions.

* The architect who planned my top-secret dungeon, its traps, and its escape routes is doomed from the moment he signed on. As are any external service personnel I absolutely must hire to provide upgrades, such as the poor sod who put in the central A/C.

* I will make myself look as human as possible, looking demonic/[[Light Is Not Good|Angelic]], or like any sort of [[Beast Man]] will, while it makes me look intimidating, will, ultimately, [[What Measure Is a Non-Human?|make it easier for the heroes to kill me when/if the time comes.]]

* I will make sure that [[The Dragon]] is ''not'' my only capable servant. [[The Brute]] will be a [[Genius Bruiser]] ''and'' a remorselessly loyal sociopath; if arrangeable he will also be good friends (or at least ''friendly'' rivals) with [[The Dragon]], so that I can send them ''both'' after the heroes at once. If he is the leader of the [[Mooks]] he will also either forgo some of his cruelty in order to be a [[A Father to His Men]], or (if totally evil) will at least be a competent strategist and leader, who the men can trust, and follow bravely; while the lowest ranking member of my inner circle, he will be kept up to date on plans so that he does not [[Spanner in the Works|inadvertently sabotage them]] (and after all, he's likely to be my most loyal follower to boot, so why risk offending him?). My [[Evil Genius]] will be allowed to comment on any aspects of the plan that he thinks needs work (why have an [[Evil Genius]] otherwise?) and will also be given any cybernetic upgrades, [[Powered Armour]], [[Super Serum]], biological modifications, or [[Mecha-Mooks]] that he feels are necessary to give him combat abilities similar to those of [[The Brute]] and [[The Dragon]]. The [[Dark Chick]] will be a Chick. Specifically, she will be my [[Victorious Childhood Friend]] who has been playing Risk with me and helping me plan to conquer the world since we were five years old. She will be able to hold her own with the boys, and will have eyes only for me. As we are absolutly made for one another, I will of course listen to her advice (and adding a female viewpoint might not be a bad idea). At least one of the above will be a suitably [[Cold Sniper]] who can take [[The Hero]] down, ''without'' having to close in physically. If I am a [[Magnificent Bastard]], other members of the [[Five-Bad Band]] will have [[Manipulative Bastard]], [[The Chessmaster]] and [[The Trickster]] characteristics spread out among them. Not only will it prevent me from having to do all the work, but it will mean that there are ''multiple'' people who can point out problems with my plans. None of them will be a [[Smug Snake]], or if they are they will be of [[Pirates of the Caribbean|Lord Cutler Beckett]] level effectiveness, meaning that they are still useful to me, and will have plans only ''slightly'' less brilliant than my own. They will all be [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]], and know that betraying me will only ensure their own defeat in the long run.

* If I take up playing an instrument, I will stay away from the [[Ominous Pipe Organ]].

* I will familiarize myself with the technique known as [[Obfuscating Stupidity]], and I will use it frequently. If the hero is [[Genre Savvy]], he or she will be afraid and think twice before attacking. If not, I get an easy kill.

** This elite force will not be the first enemy the heroes face in a large-scale battle. On the contrary, I will arrange my armies with the least capable soldiers in the front and have the most [[Badass]] soldiers as my personal bodyguards. By the time the heroes reach them, they will have exhausted their energy on my immense army.

** If the [["Stop Having Fun!" Guys]] bitch about you "cheating" if you beat them while using a tactic, it becomes SOP.

** I will consider the benefits and the disadvantages of [[Twilight (novel)|sparkling.]] It draws a lot of [[Fan Girl|fangirls]] to me that can be used to form my army (see above) while convincing almost everybody else that [[Hatedom|I am not a real vampire]] and thus not a threat. On the other hand, it ravages my credibility.

* I will never wait with renewing whatever it is that sustains my life, but will do it as early and as often as possible. If my unlife requires that I sacrifice a virgin every full moon then there will be a harem of virgins kept well fed and treated but always prepared in different locations. Holding off the search until the last minute will just make me do something really stupid, like go after the hero's girlfriend merely out of desperation.

* Any secret agents or otherwise heavily trained soldiers from a distant land will be considered threats to my power.

* If I have to poison someone with a drink, I should have a drink that is a different color than the person I'm trying to poison. Or alternatively, use a poison I am already immune to, or barring that, have an anti-toxin ready ahead of schedule. The latter two cases have the added advantage that I can poison both drinks so the hero can't [[Poisoned Chalice Switcheroo|switch them]].

* Of course, if I have been reading this, I have taken precautions necessary to avoid having to use a [[One-Winged Angel]] form anyways - this is a last resort. But if I happen to have a [[One-Winged Angel]] form I am aware of, I will make sure, if possible, to actually test it for combat performance BEFORE taking on [[The Hero]]. If the form ends up [[Clipped-Wing Angel|hindering me instead]], it shall NOT be used. Similarly, I shall make sure to check if my [[One-Winged Angel]] form is compatible to fight the hero. So, if I can transform into a shadow demon immune to nigh all harm, but who covers at the mere mention of a holy spell, and my enemy happens to be a holy paladin, this form shall NOT be used.

* Before I turn myself to the Dark Side I will at least confirm that it does in fact have the overhelming power that it promises. If it turns out that with greater power comes a price that will leave me at a huge disadvantage, or that it it can not actually defeat Light at its purest, or that possessing it carries with it a croppling vulnerabity towards all things Good, then I will choose instead some other means to make my Reign of Evil a reality.

** It also goes without saying that I shall not stand inside a [[Boss Arena Idiocy|room full of deadly traps that can kill me]]. Even if I think they will kill the hero. I just WON'T. They WILL be turned against me instead, heroes know how to do that. There's cautious, and then there's [[What an Idiot!|bloody retarded.]] Mooks in my room (ones able to aim, obviously) is OK, in fact it's GOOD. [[Super Mario Bros.|Standing on a bridge over lava with a button/axe to fling the whole thing down into the lava right behind me is NOT]].

*** If for any reason I actually do want to create such a room, I will start a rumor that it is my real hideout and have a copy/hologram/illusion of me standing on the bridge, so that when the hero goes ahead and steps on it, the whole thing collapses with him and falls into the lava, while I watch this through a security camera/crystal ball from a safe distance. And by safe, I mean a few dozen kilometers.

* You know those things that Firefigters wear that sounds an alarm when they don't move for more than a minute, or fall flat? The mooks should have those too.

* As an alternative to [[Evil Overlord List Cellblock B|fark.com's Rule 19]], I will offer a bounty for the hero's capture. However, it will be made clear that if the capture was a collective effort, then each participant will be well rewarded. It'll be a little pricier, but who cares. With the hero out of the way, I'll have all the money I want. It's an investment.

* If the setting allows, I will turn myself into a powerful, free-willed undead who can ressurect after being killed again, such as a Lich. This way, I'll just keep coming back. My [[Soul Jar]], will of course, be under heavy guard in an unbreachable room, with doors that only be opened from inside. If possible, I will construct multiple Phylacteries.

** Disguise is also very effective at keeping one's Phylactery safe. Making them out of simple bricks and throwing them into the construction materials will ensue that they are never found.

* I will never, ever tell any of my minions or henchmen "I don't pay you to think." Yes, it's true that people who think too much might be a threat to my authority, but if I wanted a mindless robot, I'd make or hire a mindless robot.

* If my incredible power was gained at the discretion of another being, [[Aladdin (Disney film)|say a genie,]] and I have some number of wishes left, when the hero tells me that something (the genie/the nix/whatever I am currently forcing to do my bidding) is more powerful than I am, instead of flying into a jealous rage and wishing to become a more powerful version of that being without any regards for the consequences I will thank the hero for his concern, proceed with killing him, and then carefully weigh the pros and cons of becoming said being.

* If there is a hero that has repeatedly foiled my plans in the past, and I have the resources for it, I will consider building a fake stronghold, whether this be an underground lair, floating fortress or orbital space station. I will make it seem as if this fake stronghold is actually the base of my operations, and put a few token guards outside for appearances sake. When the hero attacks the [[The Very Definitely Final Dungeon|"stronghold"]] in expectation of a [[Final Boss|climactic showdown]] with [[Big Bad|me]], they will instead find the place utterly deserted - save for the ton of explosives set to go off the moment they step inside.

* If I hear of a prophecy that says a certain person shall defeat me, I will NOT command my army to go out and kill every person that matches that description. I might end up missing one who'll get mad at my needless slaughtering and [[Nice Job Breaking It, Herod|come to defeat me]].

* I will not have long hair, because it is so very difficult to maintain properly, and because it gets in the way in the same mannerisms as capes. Should I persist in the long hair, I must secure it properly, so that it may not snag or be grabbed by the hero.

* I will ensure that birthdays are celebrated adequately, and that there is at least one fun thing every week (eg, Funny Hat Fridays, Sunday Charades, etc). This will improve morale and keep everyone happy and amused. There will always be prizes for anything that could be humiliating. Also, if the hero walks in on a group of people playing charades where someone is impersonating a goose, he will think twice about it being his nemesis's fortress.

* If a person carrying an oddly-coloured sword walks into my kingdom, I will take a vacation elsewhere until that sword is out of my kingdom and not make any friendly or unfriendly overtures to the wielder. If the sword is black, I will move to another dimension and never return.

** If that person is albino and a [[Defector From Decadence]], I'll kill myself and save him the trouble. And count myself lucky to have got away so lucky.

* If ever at the mercy of the Hero, I will play up any and all unpleasant childhood experiences I had, whether that involves [[Rape as Backstory|sexual abuse]] or that my parents got me a different breed of pony than I had asked for. That way, the Hero will be forced to believe that my evilness is only because of my [[Freudian Excuse|upbringing]] and not really my fault at all, giving me the opportunity to escape.

** I will not, however, taunt the Hero as I escape by explaining to him just how little my childhood had to do with my evil choices; I may need to exploit this again in the future.

** I WILL however employ such installations as long as they lead into unavoidable death traps.

** I will also avoid adding any area to my installations that cannot be accessed by my guards if needed.

** [[Final Fantasy XII|try to wreck half the planet just to piss off the gods (Preferably, one should get on their good side if they are JerkassGods).]]

** [[Final Fantasy XIII|or throw a suicidal temper tantrum that daddy left me and my 1 million siblings alone to run a shitty little utopia in the sky.]]

* Even if all my advisors agree that [[No One Could Survive That|no-one could survive the blow]] I have just dealt to the hero, I will still chop his head off for good measure.

* If I'm ever seriously injured, I will fake being knocked stupid.

* I, too, will learn and master the art of "Quick Save" and "Quick Load." If the hero can manage this in the universe where I rule, surely I can figure it out as well.

* In the lobby of my fortress of evil, I will have all my gas-mask wearing, ultra-evil elite mooks stand next to bright red barrels labeled "Danger: Explosive!" The barrels will be filled with a poisonous gas which will not explode when shot, punctured, or thrown at high speed, but will fill the room with the instantly lethal gas, killing those which are not wearing gas masks.

** Should I mass produce an army of them, I will actively make them weaker, less intelligent and more instinctual than the trusted one so he or she still feels as though they're the best, and the generic ones won't see him/her and become jealous and loathesome of us. As far as the generics go, I will ''Always'' adhere to rule 48, just in case.

** Should I recieve word my trusted supersoldier has died in the field, I will request them to find their body and make sure they are, in fact, dead before I make a new trusted supersoldier, if they aren't dead and see me with their replacement, it will reveal my lies to both of them, giving me not one, but two new enemies.

** Scratch this, I will simply be an equal opportunity employer. As long as I have enough of the aforementioned categories in my army I can still play the civil rights card, but the hero will not be able to yell discrimination.

* When hiring new employees, I will tell them that their stealth ops uniform is [[Highly-Conspicuous Uniform|neon pink]]. Anyone who tells me how impractical that is will be promoted immediately.

* If I catch a case of the [[Idiot Ball]] and accept the hero's love interests' offer to become my consort, I shall never stop being suspicious of her, no matter how much time passes. Should she ever ask me the location of my [[Soul Jar]], source of power, or one weakness, I will lie. She should not be able to find out that I have pointed her to a fake easily, lest I lose her loyalty if she is loyal. However, if she attempts to destroy or steal the fake [[Soul Jar]] or source of power, it will instantly detonate, taking her down with it.

* If one of my Lieutenants turn out to be a Starscream, I will kill him, cut off his head, impale his head on a stake, and nail a sign on said stake that reads: "I do not tolerate [[Chronic Backstabbing Disorder|double-crossing-back-stabbers]]", for such people tend to be more trouble then they're worth.

* I will Never Ever try to take over the world by using a '''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series|children's card game]].'''

* The public will be made fully aware of any genetic engineering attempts, and assured that all subjects are clones of volunteers who are able to successfully be experimented upon, and are not tortured in any way. If this is a lie, any civilian that attempts to enter a testing facility will be escorted out under the lie that the facility workers need absolutely unchanging work environments, or, if unable to be removed, executed. If not a lie, tours through facilities will be permitted following thorough background checks. Said tours are to be reserved no less than one week in advance, so as to improve security of facility, and plan out route to avoid crucial locations within the facility that could be applied to an attack plan.

* I will never write an autobiography based entirely in truth.

* I should note the heroes rarely if ever disrupt my plans [[You Can't Thwart Stage One|as soon as they're getting off the ground.]] If I delay my plans I can take my sweet time fortifying my fortess, training my legions of evil, [[Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking|and kicking as many kittens as I want.]]

** Which reminds me of the opposite extreme, if the heroes are [[Take Your Time|wandering aimlessly]] or [[Sidetracked by the Gold Saucer|playing games at a carnival]], I shouldn't wait for them to come to me before executing the final stage of my plan, I should just do it while they act like they have all the time in the world.

* Before I start conquering the world, I shall watch ''[[The Simpsons]]'' episode "You Only Move Twice". Hank Scorpio may seem like a stereotypical Bond villain, but he knows how to treat his <s>minions</s> employees and so should I.

* My guns will look almost exactly like [[Good Guns, Bad Guns|NATO-standard weapons]] - and not the Steyr AUG, but the M16, M4, FAMAS, anything by FN Herstal, or any other typically "good" weapon. Because those are the weapons of professionals - and while I'll probably have a fair amount of conscripts, but they'll be well trained and taken care of.

** Failing that, I will hide the statue somewhere no one would ever think to look for it, or even learn it exists. The last thing I need is my [[Eviler Than Thou]] predecessor being released by some asstarded coincidence like [[My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic|kids arguing next to it]]. I turned him to stone for a reason.

** I will never admit to subjecting people to this fate if the victim remains conscious. [[And I Must Scream]] is rather high on the list of [[Moral Event Horizon]] violations.

* My retirement plan for myself is going to have enough challenges to keep my genius occupied. Too many accomplished villains grow bored with enjoying their victory and go back to fighting battles they have already won (thus setting themselves up for defeat at the hands of a hero) purely out of nostalgia.

* I will make sure that I have one person one my evil council whose job it is to argue against anything suggested. He will not be punished for disagreeing with me.

** Whenever prisoners are exchanged for ransom only half of them will be brought to the exchange site. I will then have a competent minion verify that the heroes have kept their end of the bargain (i.e. they have given us the requested items, and said items are not trapped). If they have the other half of the prisoners will be released. If the item is fake or trapped I will either release the remaining prisoners (lulling the heroes into a false sense of security), or publicly execute them.

* As good slaves are hard to come by I will ensure slaves are well fed and hydrated and properly clothed for the environment they are working in. If financially feasible I will make their living conditions better then what they were prior to becoming a slave. (Assuming they don't put undue value on their freedom).

 

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[[Category:Evil Tropes]]