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{{Useful Notes}}__NOTOC__
British pubs are
===Pub vs Bar===
{{quote|''Oak and brass -- a touch of class.
If you would feel uncomfortable spending all day there, then you're probably in a bar. Most uses of the word "bar" from here on will refer to the bar in a pub; ie. the wooden surface over which drinks and money are exchanged (and under which copied DVDs/bootleg cigarettes and money are exchanged... sometimes).
===Pub Exteriors===
If the pub is open for business, the front door will be open, with another interior door closed to keep out the draft. Very old pubs may not have this airlock system and so may have the door closed, but these are relatively rare. If in doubt give the door a bit of a push.
===Pub Interiors===
As described above, pubs will generally have a more relaxed, comfortable, worn-in atmosphere compared to trendy bars.
===Smoking===
===The Round System===
The practice in buying rounds is for someone to offer to buy the first round; the others in the group will then state what drinks they
Once everyone's drinks are getting
The trick to the round system is to not get too wound up about whether you are ahead or behind the pack in terms of beers bought and drunk. If you spend your time worrying about how well you are doing then you're not having the proper pub experience. The general belief is that it all evens out in the end; if you're down this time you might be up next time. Think of it as alcohol karma.
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* A standard concept in British comedy is The Guy Who Doesn't Buy A Round, a mild version of [[The Scrooge]].
===Getting To The Bar===
If the bar is packed (usually only happens in clubs and bars as opposed to pubs) then get ready to weave. Do not push or jostle, but instead make your way towards the crowd. The outer
Put one hand on the bar the first chance you get, unless it means seriously reaching past people or through close-knit people. Wait until you can get close enough to put both hands on the bar. You are now ready to try to get the bar staff's attention.
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Occasionally the staff will ask the people in the second row if they want to be served. This is rare and relies upon the people in the front row all ordering so many drinks that they take ages to pour, but be aware and keep your ears open.
===You First===
===Getting Served===
Instead, be quiet and accept that you will be served, if not straightaway. Most bar staff do pay attention to the order of people at the bar and will make an effort to follow that order, but people who annoy them may be bumped back a bit to teach them a lesson. Be aware, however, there is a hierarchy that may come into play, particularly with barmen: You < attractive girl < attractive girl with cleavage < regular. Regulars are the only people who are allowed to shout out and cajole the bar staff. Do not follow their lead. If you are an attractive regular with cleavage then congratulations, you've won! Just don't sleep with any of the bar staff, because that can only lead to complications in the
For the rest of us, the trick to getting the bar staff's attention is to stand up straight and try to make eye contact with them without being ostentatious. Follow the person who is serving your section of the bar with your eyes. If you make eye contact, merely raise your eyebrows briefly, or slightly raise your chin as if to say "yes, I have acknowledged your presence and you have acknowledged mine. I'm not making a big thing out of it, though." They will also give a little bit of a gesture to let you know that they see you. They may say "be with you in a minute" or something similar if you are behind a couple of people in their mental queue and have made eye contact early. Do
===Beers===
▲{{smallcaps| Beers}}<br />Most British pubs will feature a number of beers and lagers. It's a good idea to have a glance at what's available (there will be signs on the pumps, or in the case of brands like Guinness, specially-designed pumps) before you order. Try experimenting - there are often a few house beers that are brewed locally and there can be some real gems amongst these. If you want a US/European-style beer, ask for a lager -- unless that lager is Foster's, because that tastes like horse piss. Alternatively, there may be US or European beers behind the bar in refrigerators at ground level; take a glance before you order. And then stop being just a big jessie and order some British booze. You didn't go abroad to pretend you were at home, did you? US visitors are further cautioned that the only beers your fair country exports to Britain in quantity are Budweiser, Coors and Miller Light; this has done very bad things to British perceptions of the quality of your beer. Expect much commentary on this.
Look out for anything for the CAMRA (Campaign For Real Ale) logo if you are unsure, If you cannot spot this look for the beer with the Double Entendre name: chances is it will be Real Ale. Bitter and ale are much darker and less carbonated, and should be served at about the temperature of red wine. They're also generally quite a bit more powerful than a typical lager.
* Stella Artois, BTW, does not look sophisticated. It has become known as "wife-beater" in the UK due to its high alcohol content, and the fact that [[Exactly What It Says
** As long as you treat it as the young [[Gargle Blaster]] it is, Stella is nevertheless rather pleasant.
* The thing to look out for is the beer engine, the tall pump handles on the bar, generally with the name of the beer on a clip-on badge. This isn't an infallible guarantee of
The standard units of measurement in the UK are pints (equivalent just over half a litre, or around 1/6th more than an American pint) and half-pints. Half-pints are for ladies and children. If you are neither, drink pints. It can be acceptable to take a half should you be drinking appreciably slower than others, or if you have to leave shortly, for the purpose of "topping up" a current drink. The lower levels of carbonation in most traditional Real Ale allows this to be done quickly and easily from the new glass to the half-full old one with a deft flick of the wrists. Those unpracticed are warned that the classic error beginners make is to fail to satisfactorily empty their previous drink. This can lead to embarrassment. The standard way of ordering is to say "I'll have an X, please", where X is the beverage of your choice. To order a half-pint, say "I'll have half an X, please", but remember you may be misheard as having said "I'll have an X" as half-pints are not that common in most pubs, so be prepared to correct them quickly if you see them getting out a pint glass.
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Cider is treated much the same way beer is, though ordering / drinking it can also result in light-hearted mockery and questioning of masculinity by beer-drinkers. Do not take this personally, as the beer-drinkers are just trying to compensate for their lower alcohol-content. Perry (a.k.a. Pear Cider), on the other hand, really is a girly drink.
In [[The West Country]] Cider is, or at least was, the traditional drink of choice, and as a result you are far more likely to see a good selection of Cider in [[The West Country]] and Cornwall than elsewhere. West Country Pubs are also more likely to stock Scrumpy and [[Blatant Lies|interesting and pleasant cider aficionados who will be more than willing to chat to you]] and who are [[Suspiciously Specific Denial|most certainly not all mad toothless old men who may or may not be part of some strange mutant race of cider-fuelled west-country owl-people bent on our destruction and/or the collecting of vintage traction engine memorabilia.]] Scrumpy is a cloudy, low-carbonation Cider of around 6-8.5% alcohol by volume, and the combination of high alcohol content and citric acid does strange things to your [[Gargle Blaster|mind,]] [[Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking|teeth]] and [[Brown Note|bowels]] if taken in over-large amounts: the “Scumble” in Terry Pratchett’s [[Discworld]] books is loosely based on his memories of real Scrumpy when he was growing up in the west country. Try it though, it's fun.
There is also the matter of Snake-Bite: a combination of beer, cider and blackcurrant cordial that looks girly but will do more liver-damage than the sum of its parts. Needless to say it is quite a bit more popular these days than by any rights it should be.
===Wine, Spirits and Miscellaneous===
Spirits of one sort or another can be had in all pubs. A single measure of whiskey or vodka will set you back about the price of a pint, mixers are a small amount extra but ice is invariably free. It's extremely bad form to order the truly classy stuff any way but neat, however.
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A small number of pubs, usually those offering food, sell hot beverages as well as the usual selection of fizzy drinks. Bar staff won't usually mind pouring in a shot of spirits, but if you're ordering the fortified beverage to go this is a technical violation of any local laws against drinking alcohol in a public place, albeit one the police are unlikely to kick up a fuss over.
===Food===
Most pubs will ask you to pay for the food upfront, but some go for the usual restaurant style of bringing the bill later. You can then return to your table and wait for your food to be brought over. This is a one-time thing; do not treat the person who brought you the food as a waiter or waitress. If you want to order more food or drinks, you will have to go to the bar again.
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Condiments will either be brought to your table in a basket or holder, or else will be made available on some kind of table or dresser somewhere in the pub; the bar staff should tell you where it is if the latter rule is in effect.
Pubs do not usually offer food all day
Food quality, of course, varies. Most pubs with food will offer standard menu items such as most food you could conceivably find eaten with chips, while more food-oriented places will have a wider selection. Note that in places with less of an emphasis on food, it may be difficult to find vegetarian items other than a plate of
===Pissed===
===Regulars===
Usually there will be seating on high stools at the bar, with wooden tables dotted around the pub and booths on the walls. If you are new to a pub and there are seats elsewhere available, it is probably not a good idea to drink at the bar, unless the barman has engaged you in conversation. This is because the bar itself is generally reserved for regulars. If someone says you are sitting on their stool, you probably are.
===Tipping===
However, if you are eating in a pub and it is following the restaurant rules (bill brought to the table rather than having you pay upfront) then leaving a ten percent tip is the done thing.
===Tabs===
If you are a regular in a pub and trusted by the pub staff you may be allowed a "slate", which will see them writing down your name and the amount of money you owe, which you can pay at a later date. However, to get to this point requires a great degree of dedication to your given pub, in which case why are you even reading this thing?
===Tables===
If you are sitting at a table, leave your empty glasses there and one of the bar staff will collect them sooner or later. If you are not at a table, place them back on the bar or on an out of the way empty table. On behalf of your bar staff it is only fair to mention that if you return your glasses to the bar or other collecting area when you leave and they notice (a pleasant "Thank you" as you are leaving usually suffices to draw attention but do not make a dramatic gesture of your action) they will be both pleasantly suprised and more likely to serve you ahead of your perceived position in the queue in the future should you return.
===Games===
If the table is not coin-operated, ask at the bar for balls. You may have to give a five pound deposit, or possibly pay an hourly
Many pubs will also have what Americans refer to as slot machines, but in the UK are known as fruit machines. Intricate blinking things with buttons and lights and baffling scoring systems, no explanation will be given at any point on how to play these things, nor will their exact method of operation become clear until you're already addicted. These are, of course, a waste of money unless you're the Rainman or something, due in no small part to the fact that [[The Computer Is a Cheating Bastard]].
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In country pubs, and some in inner cities, there will be two old men sitting in a corner playing cribbage. No one seems to know why. Do not disturb them.
===Sports Events===
If you are in a pub in Scotland and England are playing, cheer whichever side isn't England. If you are in a pub in Wales and England are playing ''rugby union'', cheer whichever side isn't England. If you are in Northern Ireland, do not bring up England or the concept of "Britain" at all. Ever. (This applies to anywhere in Northern Ireland, not specifically pubs.)
===Pub Quizzes and Karaoke Nights===
Pubs will also often organise pub quizzes, sometimes around particular themes (sports, rock music, movies etc) and sometimes just based on general knowledge questions. Almost every pub in a town or city will have a weekly quiz night on what might otherwise be a quiet night (Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays are usual). If you want to participate, turn up before the quiz is scheduled to start, which can be anything from 8pm to 9.30pm, buy a drink and grab a table. Sometimes the quiz papers and pens will be ready on the tables and sometimes you will have to request one from one of the bar staff who will be wandering around. Alternatively, they may come from table to table asking if you are there for the quiz and hand you a sheet and pen if you are. If the quiz is paid for, they will collect the money at the same
Each team is encouraged to give themselves a humorous or at least vaguely interesting name (prizes may be awarded for this in some pubs) and there will then follow a series of rounds announced by a DJ, usually including: naming a celebrity whose face has been crudely photocopied onto the quiz sheet, identifying a song by its intro, general knowledge questions, and identifying the year a song was released. At the end of a round the quizmaster may run through the questions quickly for those who missed them the first time around. In the event of a tiebreaker, team captains may be called up to do a quickfire round on the microphone. Prizes vary, but free drinks at the next pub quiz is usually in there, cynical though that may seem.
There's nothing to stop you from going to the toilets and using your mobile phone to find out, except that doing so would make you a horrible bastard. Not that it
===Flat-Roofed Pubs===
===Spilling Your Drink===
===Driving===
If you're pulled over by the police and found to be over the limit, you will be arrested. If convicted, you will lose your licence unless there are exceptional circumstances. If you actually ''killed'' someone then expect a heavy fine, jail and a long ban on driving.
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It should be known that there are differing regional attitudes towards drink driving, certain rural areas consider drink driving to be more acceptable simply because there is no better way to get to the pub. This does not mean it is any safer or that the law will be more forgiving should you get caught. Due to this being regional, while it may be common practice in certain rural areas of, say Yorkshire or Kent, everywhere else in the UK this is considered serious business and is more than frowned upon, for obvious reasons. If you are unable to drive, ask the bar staff for a taxi and they will call one for you. Some larger pubs may also have a dedicated phone that connects to a taxi service.
===Closing Time===
In Scotland the opening times are more flexible, and the hours depending on what the local council will permit, how many customers are likely to be there on that day of the week, and how late the staff are willing to work.
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{{reflist}}
[[Category:Useful Notes/Britain]]
▲[[Category:British Pubs]]
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