Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.
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  • The sequence where the (er) Real Hogfather takes over the "Mall Santa" equivalent is outstanding.

Death: It's the expression on their little faces I like.
Albert: You mean the sort of fear and awe and not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants?

    • It's sad that Death is trying so hard, and yet failing in the role so utterly:

Death: I will give you a gift. And in return you will be good. This is the arrangement.

    • The store owner talking to the Watch:

"I want you to arrest him!"
"Who, sir?"
"The Hogfather!"
"Because he's sitting up there bold as brass in his Grotto, giving away presents!"

    • And Nobby asks him for a present, acting just like any little kid intimidated by being in Santa's lap.

Have you been a good bo... a good dwa... a good gno... a good individual?

    • Death giving a sword to a little girl.

Mother: You can't give her that! It's not safe!
Death: It's a sword. It's not meant to be safe.
Crumley: She's a child!
Death: It's educational.
Crumley: What if she cuts herself?
Death: That will be an important lesson.

  • The restaurant staff making a complete menu based on boots and laces.
  • Bilius, the Oh God of hangovers. Not the god, the oh god. Because what does a person say when under his influence...?
  • Hex ceasing to work unless he is FTB-enabled.
  • Death's attempt at a Hogswatch card. (He tried to add some snow, but it melted. He tried to put a robin on it, but it flew away. It would not get into the Hogswatch spirit at all.)
  • Mr Teatime tries to be reassuring:

A violent death is the last thing that will happen to you.

  • The footnote to the origin stories of the Hogfather. On passing by a house, or so he says, a king is moved by the plight of some girls, who are unable to celebrate Hogswatch. He throws a packet of sausages through the window... concussing one of them, but there is no point in ruining a good legend.
  • Ridcully's line after the Bursar talking with Hex cures the Bursar of his insanity, but drives Hex mad in turn:

Ridcully: Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence any day.

  • Archchancellor Ridcully takes a shower. The shower was built by "Bloody Stupid" Johnson, but it works splendidly until the Archchancellor, experimenting with the various settings, discovers what the one marked "Old Faithful" does. I was lying on a bed the first time I read it, and I nearly rolled off at the words:

Ridcully: Ye gods, I've never felt so clean.