Emo Philips/Quotes
Friday afternoon, I'm walking home from school and I'm watching some men build a new house. And the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code. |
When I went off to college, my father said, "I'm going to miss you." I said, "Sure you will, now that I filed the sights off your rifle." |
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. |
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.... They don't know I'm only using blanks. |
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. |
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists. |
New York's such a wonderful city, but at the library the guy was very rude. I said I'd like a card. He said, 'You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.' So I stabbed him. |
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!" |
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!" |
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. |
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. |
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. |
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..." |
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. |
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them. |
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problems?" |
My ex-wife called me up and told me she needed $50,000 to remodel the house to better suit her personality. I said, "Does it have to be real gingerbread?" |