Heard Any Good Jokes Lately?: Difference between revisions

* The square root of negative one walks into a bar. He meets this lovely woman and asks the bartender to order a drink for her. He starts talking to her and really finds her to be quite an 'interesting' person. When he asks her if she wants to come to his apartment, what does she say? {{spoiler|"With you? Get real."}}

** {{spoiler|[[Memetic Mutation|"I find your lack of face disturbing."]]}}

* '''Woman:''' Six months.

* '''Doctor:''' Six months! Why id you wait so long?

* A rabbi, a Boy Scout, and the President of the United States all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

* A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve strings in here!" So he goes back out, loops his neck into itself, musses up his hair and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

** Someone who makes you an offer [[Mind Screw|you can't understand]].

** To stamp out flaming ducks.

* It was autumn, and the [[Braids, Beads, and Buckskins|Indians]] on the [[Injun Country|reservation]] asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. [[Noble Savage|Raised in the ways of the modern world]], the chief had never been taught the old secrets and has no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter. A few days later, as a practical afterthought, he contacted the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forecasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The chief advised the tribe to stock even more wood. A couple of weeks later, the chief checked in again with the weather service. "Does it still look like a cold winter?" asked the chief. "It sure does," replied the meteorologist. "It looks like a very cold winter." The chief advised the tribe to gather every scrap of wood they could find. [[Rule of Three|A couple of weeks later]], the chief called the Weather Service again and asked how the winter was looking at that point. The meteorologist said "We're now forecasting that it will be one of the coldest winters on record!" "Really!?" said the chief. "How can you be so sure?" The meteorologist replied "[[Magical Native American|The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!]]"

* What kind of artillery does a priest use?

* A Buddhist monk comes to the master and says, "Your stone bridge is widely renowned. But all I can find is a heap of rocks." The master says, "You see only the stones and not the bridge." The student asks, "What is the bridge?" The master says, "What do you think we are standing on?" So the student picks up one of the stones and throws it at the master. The master says, "I guess I deserved that."

* [[The Matrix|Mr.Anderson]] walked into the bar, [[Mind Screw|or did he]]?

* [[Dire Straits]] and Chris Rea have teamed up to form a new band. They're called DireRea.

* During the [[Cold War]], the US and the USSR each launched a pair of satellites that would pass each other at odd intervals. When they pass each other the first time, over the USA, the American satellites says "Howdy; how are ya?" and the Russian satellite replies ''"Very well; thank you!"'' ...as they pass each other again, this time over Russia, the Russian satellite starts with ''"Dobre denjee, tovarich!"'' and the American satellite replies. Then, they pass each other a third time, this time at night behind the Earth. ''"Guten Tag! Wenn wir jetzt hinter der Erde sind, koennen wir gut alle Deutsch sprechen, ja?"''

* A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are taking a road trip together when suddenly their car breaks down. "It must be the transmission!" The mechanical engineer says. "I'll have it fixed in no time!" The electrical engineer says, "No, no, it must be the battery. I can get it sorted out no problem." The software engineer says, "You're both wrong. We just have to close all the windows, get out of the car, get back in, and restart it."

** Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

** Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.

* No, seriously, how many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?

::: Interrupting Falcon.

:: Interrupting F-

* Knock Knock.