Heard Any Good Jokes Lately?: Difference between revisions

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* A conservative minister walks into a hotel and goes to the desk. He walks up to te receptionist and says "Excuse me, have you disabled adult movies?" The receptionist replies "No. We just have the regular kind."

* How do you know you're being prank-called by a [[Canada Eh|Canadian]]?

* How do you know you're being prank-called by a [[Canada, Eh?|Canadian]]?

** The first thing they say is, "I'm sorry, is this a bad time?"

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* What's the best part about sleeping with twenty three year olds?

** [[Dude Not Funny|There's twenty of them]]

** [[Dude, Not Funny|There's twenty of them]]

* A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but cling wrap, and the doctor says "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

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** It broke the h-bar!

* A child and his father driving in glorious Soviet-made automobile were struck by evil capitalist scum hit-and-run driver. The father dies, and the son is seriously injured. With excellent efficiency and proud spirit, medical personnel of the Motherland arrive for take boy to hospital. When he arrive at surgical room, however, the doctor says "I cannot operate on child here, he is son of mine." Obviously, the doctor was his mother. Soviet Union not have capitalist sexism, for we are great and progressive nation serving all the workers! [[In Soviet Russia Trope Mocks You|The doctor was shot for refusal to carry out duty to Motherland.]]

* A child and his father driving in glorious Soviet-made automobile were struck by evil capitalist scum hit-and-run driver. The father dies, and the son is seriously injured. With excellent efficiency and proud spirit, medical personnel of the Motherland arrive for take boy to hospital. When he arrive at surgical room, however, the doctor says "I cannot operate on child here, he is son of mine." Obviously, the doctor was his mother. Soviet Union not have capitalist sexism, for we are great and progressive nation serving all the workers! [[In Soviet Russia, Trope Mocks You|The doctor was shot for refusal to carry out duty to Motherland.]]

* Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

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** To stamp out flaming ducks.

* A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby." The Doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a gun, he [[Improbable Weapon User|picked up an umbrella by mistake]]. When a [[~~Everythings~~ Worse With Bears|bear]] suddenly charged at the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it." The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear". The doctor said "My point exactly".

* A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby." The Doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a gun, he [[Improbable Weapon User|picked up an umbrella by mistake]]. When a [[Everything's Worse With Bears|bear]] suddenly charged at the man, he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it." The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear". The doctor said "My point exactly".

* It was autumn, and the [[Braids Beads and Buckskins|Indians]] on the [[Injun Country|reservation]] asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. [[Noble Savage|Raised in the ways of the modern world]], the chief had never been taught the old secrets and has no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter. A few days later, as a practical afterthought, he contacted the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forecasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The chief advised the tribe to stock even more wood. A couple of weeks later, the chief checked in again with the weather service. "Does it still look like a cold winter?" asked the chief. "It sure does," replied the meteorologist. "It looks like a very cold winter." The chief advised the tribe to gather every scrap of wood they could find. [[Rule of Three|A couple of weeks later]], the chief called the Weather Service again and asked how the winter was looking at that point. The meteorologist said "We're now forecasting that it will be one of the coldest winters on record!" "Really!?" said the chief. "How can you be so sure?" The meteorologist replied "[[Magical Native American|The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!]]"

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** PP

** ATR

* Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. [[Wondrous Ladies Room|Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this]]. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button... Two weeks later he woke up in hospital. He buzzed for the nurse.

* Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. [[Wondrous Ladies' Room|Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this]]. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button... Two weeks later he woke up in hospital. He buzzed for the nurse.

{{quote| '''Patient''': What happened?

'''Nurse''': You pushed one too many buttons. The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow. }}

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*** "Pass the [[Tear Jerker|soap]], please."

** And the spoon says:

*** "What do you think I am, a [[Timey Wimey Ball|microwave]]?!"

*** "What do you think I am, a [[Timey-Wimey Ball|microwave]]?!"

* A [[Good Shepherd|preacher]] wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately the going price for a horse at the local auction house [[Adam Smith Hates Your Guts|was too high]] so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He decides that, because he has it, he might as well try his luck so he enters it in the horse race and, to his great surprise, it comes in second place.

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* Two hikers have been walking through the Australian for days when they come across a small town called Mercy. Seeing as they're tired and thirsty, they stop by the bar and ask for a drink. What the bartender gives them tastes amazing, but is very thick and chunky. The hikers ask what it's made of and the bartender replies that it's a tea that they make by mashing up koalas. The hikers are understandably put off by this, but the drink tastes so good that they ask for another, and strained this time. The bartender replies "Oh, no sirs. The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."

* A scientist has perfected a [[Cloning Blues|clone]]. Unfortunately when he takes it to show the university board, it starts swearing at them. The outraged board throw them out, and the scientist does some more tests and realises the clone has [[Tourettes Shitcock Syndrome|Tourettes]]. He's stumped with what to do, and eventually he decides to take it to the top of the university carpark, and chuck it off. He does so, but is seen, and later the police arrive. He insists that killing the clone [[What Measure Is a Non Human|wasn't murder]], but nonetheless gets arrested. The charge is "making an obscene clone fall".

* A scientist has perfected a [[Cloning Blues|clone]]. Unfortunately when he takes it to show the university board, it starts swearing at them. The outraged board throw them out, and the scientist does some more tests and realises the clone has [[Tourettes Shitcock Syndrome|Tourettes]]. He's stumped with what to do, and eventually he decides to take it to the top of the university carpark, and chuck it off. He does so, but is seen, and later the police arrive. He insists that killing the clone [[What Measure Is a Non-Human?|wasn't murder]], but nonetheless gets arrested. The charge is "making an obscene clone fall".

* Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.