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Heard Any Good Jokes Lately?: Difference between revisions
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** Because he wanted to go where no man has gone before.
* A conservative minister walks into a hotel and goes to the desk. He walks up to the receptionist and says "Excuse me, have you disabled adult movies?" The receptionist replies "No. We just have the regular kind."
* How do you know you're being prank-called by a [[Canada, Eh?|Canadian]]?
** The first thing they say is, "I'm sorry, is this a bad time?"
* So the stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer brings in a new one. Once he's arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says' Listen here Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!" The old rooster says "C'mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We'll stay in the back?" The new rooster is adamant "No way! All the hens
** That's when the farmer looks up form the front porch and sees the two rooster; he takes out his gun, shoots the new rooster in the head, and says "Damn! Third gay rooster this week!"
* Once upon a time, a group of people were brainstorming about what they should call their new country. One person said, "I think our new country should begin with a C, eh." Another person said, "I think our new country's name should contain an N, eh." Yet another person said, "Don't you think our country's name should end with a D, eh?"
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* One day a new chicken was introduced to the farm. The duck, who was the main bird in charge, shows the new chicken around. "This is were you go to get fed, this is the water trough and that is the coop. Chickens hang out near the fence, us ducks near the pond and the geese near the gate. We're pretty friendly but we keep to our own. Oh but whatever you do, DON'T cross that road. You'll never hear the end of it."
* What did Megatron say to The Fallen at the end of [[Transformers (film)|ROTF?]]
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** [[Reverse the Polarity]] of its terminals!
** ''Alternative'': Take away its credit card.
* What did the 0 say to the 8?
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** What should you yell when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
*** "C sharp, or B flat minor!"
* What's black and white and holds your boobs?
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* What do you call a native American who just graduated med school?
** A doctor, you [[Unusual Euphemism|frakking]] racist!
* What goes "clip-clop clip-clop bang clip-clop clip-clop"?
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* '''Doctor:''' Six months! Why id you wait so long?
* '''Woman:''' [[Annie Hall|We needed the eggs]].
* A lady crab is walking along the beach one day when she sees a man crab. He's not walking sideways like the other crabs—he's walking in a straight line. Impressed with his talent, she asks him out on a date. However, when they meet the next evening for their date, he's walking sideways, like a normal crab! When she asks him why he's not walking forward any more, he says: "Oh, baby, I can't drink that much every day!"
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* And what if the envelop doesn't fit?
** Take out the stamp and try again.
* Four die-hard Major League Baseball fans climb a mountain. As they climb, they argue incessantly about which one of them is most dedicated to his respective team. When they get to the top, the Yankees fan yells, "This is for the New York Yankees!" and throws himself off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone by a Yankees fan, the Red Sox fans screams, "This is for the Boston Red Sox!!" and throws himself off the mountain. Not about to be outdone by a Yankees fan and a Red Sox fan, the Cardinals fan shouts, "THIS IS FOR THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS!!!" and shoves the [[Acceptable Lifestyle Targets|Chicago Cubs fan]] off the mountain.
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* What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?
** Ba-nah-nah-nah!
* How do you keep a violin from being stolen?
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The other says "Are you sure?"
The first one says "Yeah, I'm positive!" }}
* Two muffins are in an oven. One of them says "Boy, it sure is hot in here." The other one says "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
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* In a recent telephone poll, when asked if they would have an affair with former president Bill Clinton, 70% of American women replied, "Never again."
* One fine summer's day, [[Sherlock Holmes]] and his companion, Dr. John Watson, decide to take some time off from life in the city and go for a camping trip in the countryside. After an invigorating hike, the two pitch their tent and get some shut-eye.
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** "Astronomically," Watson mused, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." He smiles and finishes, "And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." He looks at Holmes, now puzzled. "Er... and why do you ask?"
** Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
* How many babies does it take to paint a house?
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* [[Ice Cream Koan|Does a cow have the Buddha-nature?]]
** Of course; it answers "Mu" to any question!
* What do you get when [[David Lynch]] directs a remake of ''[[The Godfather]]''?
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* A man bumps into another man. The other man says "Hey! Watch where you're going!" The man says "Sorry, I've been seeing spots." The other man says, "Oh, have you seen a doctor?" So, the first man says, "Nope. Only spots."
* What do you call a bear with no teeth?
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* What do you call a cow with no legs?
** Ground beef.
* What do you call a deer with no eyes?
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* Did you hear that [[Richard Nixon]] went to see ''Deep Throat'' ten times?
** He wanted to get it down Pat.
* Why did the [[Crossover]] writer cross the road?
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** those who don't,
** and those who also know trinary.
* Why don't blind people skydive?
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* How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony?
** It ain't hard.
* A young student is failing math. All other options failing, his parents finally enroll him in a private Catholic school. The boy immediately starts studying furiously every night, and finally hands over his report card: straight A's. So his proud but confused parents ask him, "What did the nuns do to motivate you so much?" His reply: "When I saw that poor guy nailed to the plus sign in the lobby I knew they weren't fooling around!"
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* A doctor, a lawyer and a Troper were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems." The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health." The Troper says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when you're away, the wife will assume that you're with the mistress and the mistress will assume you're with your wife, giving you plenty of time to edit [[TV Tropes]]!"
* What do you call it when a male bovine has swallowed an explosive?
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* Did you hear about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard.
* Why can't Anakin and Padme have a serious conversation?
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* An American, a Russian, and a Frenchman are all up for punishment by 40 lashes. The warden comes up to them and says "You may each have one wish before you are lashed." So the American says "I want a pillow strapped to my back." He gets a pillow, they do 20 lashes, the pillow breaks, and he gets 20 lashes to the back. The Frenchman says he wants 2 pillows on his back. They give him the pillows, he gets through scot free. The Russian says "I want the Frenchman on my back."
* A farmer needs some help with his chickens. It seems they aren't laying like they used to. So, he goes to the local university and enlists three scientists to help him out. He explains his problems to a Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist.
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* There was a man who accidentally drank Tipp-Ex instead of liquid Viagra. He woke up the next morning with an enormous correction.
* What do you call a nosy pepper?
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* A scientist named Berade had managed to create a giant, twenty-foot-tall pig. The problem was that the pig's breath was horrible. He had also, however, managed to create over seventy gorilla clones, and as he tried to replicate his pig experiment, he had the clones feed the pig over a hundred Cloret breath mints. One day, the gorilla on mint duty spilled the mints, so Berade began to beat it with a cane... at which point the clones [[Turned Against Their Masters|rebelled]]. The police report said... [[The Music Man|"Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Berade, with a hundred and ten Clorets close at hand..."]]
* Two hikers have been walking through the
* A scientist has perfected a [[Cloning Blues|clone]]. Unfortunately when he takes it to show the university board, it starts swearing at them. The outraged board throw them out, and the scientist does some more tests and realises the clone has [[Tourette's Shitcock Syndrome|Tourette's]]. He's stumped with what to do, and eventually he decides to take it to the top of the university carpark, and chuck it off. He does so, but is seen, and later the police arrive. He insists that killing the clone [[What Measure Is a Non-Human?|wasn't murder]], but nonetheless gets arrested. The charge is "making an obscene clone fall".
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* What do you call a guy without a shovel in his back?
** Douglas
== A joke walks into a bar ==
* A man walks into a bar in Montana. He gets drunk, stands on a table, and screams "Every last Democrat is a horse's ass!" Enraged, everyone else in the bar beats him up and throws him out into the street. The next week, he returns to the same bar, gets drunk again, stands on a table, and screams "Every last Republican is a horse's ass!" Again, the crowd beats him up and throws him out into the street. As he staggers away, he asks a passerby "Who are those people?" The response? "You don't understand, sir. This is horse country."
* The square root of negative one walks into a bar. He meets this lovely woman and asks the bartender to order a drink for her. He starts talking to her and really finds her to be quite an 'interesting' person. When he asks her if she wants to come to his apartment, what does she say? {{spoiler|"With you? Get real."}}
* A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender notices the oddly placed gadget, and inquires, "Why do you have a steering wheel in the front of your pants?" The pirate replies, "Yarrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
* A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender how much it'll be. The bartender replies: "For you? No charge!"
* A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
** Optional subversion: The horse replies "I've got AIDS."
* A rabbi, a Boy Scout, and the President of the United States all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
* A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "I think someone committed a typo".
* Socrates walks into a bar. The bartender looks over and says, "What's your poison?"
* Shakespeare walked into a pub. The bartender said, "You can't come in here. You're Bard!"
* Two amoeba walk out of a bar. One amoeba says to the other, "Hey, is that the sun or the moon?" The other amoeba says, "I don't know, I don't live around here!"
** Wocka, wocka, wocka!
* Ladies and gentlemen, the Ultimate Geek Joke: A [[Star Wars|Jedi]], a [[Dune|Bene Gesserit]] and a [[Discworld|wizard of Unseen University]] walk into a bar just as it opens. The bartender's small child is taking the chairs down from the tables by just looking at them- he stares at each chair, it slides away from the table, flips right-side-up in midair, and slides into place at the table. Jaws drop all around.
** The Bene Gesserit exclaims, "You have the Kwisatz Haderach!"
** The Jedi, "You have [[The Chosen One]] who will bring balance to The Force!"
** The UU wizard says, "You have any Jimkin Bearhugger's whiskey?"
* A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian walk into a bar. So the rabbi says to the priest, "I think we're in the wrong joke!"
* A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve strings in here!" So he goes back out, loops his neck into itself, musses up his hair and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
* A vampire walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, "I'll have a beer." The bartender asks, "What kind?" The vampire replies "Blood Lite."
* A sandwich walks into a bar and says "I'll have some wine." The bartender says "We don't serve food here."
* Bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
* A baby seal walks into a club.
* A guy walks into a bar. He's got a carrot in one ear, a stick of celery in the other ear and a hot dog up his nose. He sits down at the bar and says, "Man, I ain't feelin' so hot." The bartender says, "Well, I know what your problem is. You ain't eatin' right!"
* A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He picks up the dogs by its hind legs and swings it in circles over his head. The bartender asks, "What are you doing?!" The blind man responds, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."
* A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, there's a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "Really? There's a drink named [[One Steve Limit|Steve]]?"
* A farmer walks into a bar, followed by his cows. The bartender kicks the cows out and says to the farmer, "We don't serve your kine here."
* So, a [[Our Dwarves Are All the Same|dwarf]] walks ''out'' of a bar...
* ''A man walks into a bar and says "Ow."''
** Then he says to the audience, [[No Fourth Wall|"Don't tell anyone I was here, my wife thinks I quit."]]
* A [[Warhammer 40,000|GW fan]] walks into a bar, buys the same drink as yesterday, [[Cash Cow Franchise|but pays more]].
* An already-drunken man walks into a bar [[Brick Joke|right as two amoeba and a dwarf leave. He is surprised to see the square root of negative one, a pirate, a neutron, a horse, two rabbi, a typoed rabbit, a boy scout, the President, a priest, a pastor, Socrates, Shakespeare, a Jedi, a Bene Gesserit, an UU Wizard, a Brit, two Frenchmen, a Russian, a Finn, a Swede, a frayed knot, a vampire, a living sandwich, a living platter of bacon and eggs, a crossover writer, a blind man with his seeing-eye dog, a grasshopper named Steve, a farmer whose cows were waiting outside, a German, a Jew, Kant, Euclid, three seemingly normal men (though one had a hot dog up his nostril),]] [[Overly Long Gag|and possibly even Mr. Anderson.]] The bartender says, "Took ya long enough!"
{{reflist}}
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