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Line 1: {{trope}} {{cleanup\|This trope has only a Self-Demonstrating description. It needs a plain-English description.}} # Now behold, it did come to pass that in the city of Los Angeles, the writers of science fiction and fantasy did begin to wax exceedingly fat off of the labors of their hands.▼ <tabber>Self-Demonstrating= # Yea, they did profit exceedingly from their craft, insomuch that they did pen all manners of diverse scripts and movie treatments.▼ ▲# {{quote\|{{verse\|1\|1}}Now behold, it did come to pass that in the city of Los Angeles, the writers of science fiction and fantasy did begin to wax exceedingly fat off of the labors of their hands. # And behold, many of their stories did deal with [[Chosen One]] protagonists, insomuch that these writers did spend much labor crafting [[Sophisticated As Hell\|phony-baloney scriptural prophecies]] to flesh out the protagonists' back-stories.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|2}}Yea, they did profit exceedingly from their craft, insomuch that they did pen all manners of diverse scripts and movie treatments. # Now it came to pass that these prophecies were contained in sacred texts, which [[Fictional Document\|the writers did toil exceedingly to invent]].▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|3}}And behold, many of their stories did deal with [[Chosen One]] protagonists, insomuch that these writers did spend much labor crafting [[Sophisticated As Hell\|phony-baloney scriptural prophecies]] to flesh out the protagonists' back-stories. # And behold, the writers did send forth a law, yea even an exceedingly strict law, by which these texts would be known.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|4}}Now it came to pass that these prophecies were contained in sacred texts, which [[Fictional Document\|the writers did toil exceedingly to invent]]. # And the law did read thusly:▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|5}}And behold, the writers did send forth a law, yea even an exceedingly strict law, by which these texts would be known. # Behold, the text that thou shalt write shall be exceedingly ancient and obscure, insomuch that thy audience might have no expertise on the culture of origin, and will just have to take thy word for it.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|6}}And the law did read thusly: # Ancient shall be thy text, and ancient and exotic shall be the language in which it first appears.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|7}}Behold, the text that thou shalt write shall be exceedingly ancient and obscure, insomuch that thy audience might have no expertise on the culture of origin, and will just have to take thy word for it. # Behold, thy text shall be written in Aramaic, or in Chaldean, or in proto-Mongolian, or in Sanskrit, or in Mayan or Sumerian or [[Fictionary\|some demonic language that thou hast invented on the spot]].▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|8}}Ancient shall be thy text, and ancient and exotic shall be the language in which it first appears. # Though the potential origins of thy text shall be many and diverse, thou shalt always generate an English version of thy text, which thy protagonist or his lackeys shall translate from the original in an unrealistically brief amount of time.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|9}}Behold, thy text shall be written in Aramaic, or in Chaldean, or in proto-Mongolian, or in Sanskrit, or in Mayan or Sumerian or [[Fictionary\|some demonic language that thou hast invented on the spot]]. # And it shall come to pass that when thy text is translated to English, it shall be written in [[Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe]].▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|10}}Though the potential origins of thy text shall be many and diverse, thou shalt always generate an English version of thy text, which thy protagonist or his lackeys shall translate from the original in an unrealistically brief amount of time. # Yea, thy verb conjugations shalt be incorrect, even to the point of meaninglessness.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|11}}And it shall come to pass that when thy text is translated to English, it shall be written in [[Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe]]. # Thy sentence structure and writing style shall be based on the King James translation of the Bible, regardless of the culture and language of origin.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|12}}Yea, thy verb conjugations shalt be incorrect, even to the point of meaninglessness. # Thou shalt not use all the styles of the King James Bible, which are diverse and many. Instead, thou shalt focus on those bits for which thou hast read the Cliff's Notes.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|13}}Thy sentence structure and writing style shall be based on the King James translation of the Bible, regardless of the culture and language of origin. # Thou shalt begin as many sentences as possible with the words, "Thou Shalt" or "Behold".▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|14}}Thou shalt not use all the styles of the King James Bible, which are diverse and many. Instead, thou shalt focus on those bits for which thou hast read the Cliff's Notes. # For behold, if it is good enough for the Ten Commandments, it shall be good enough for thee.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|15}}Thou shalt begin as many sentences as possible with the words, "Thou Shalt" or "Behold". # Thou shalt frame all of thy prophecies in the language of the [[Book of Revelation (Literature)\|Book of Revelation]], particularly the parts about rivers turning to blood, seven headed dragons, and women riding monsters or wearing crowns of stars.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|16}}For behold, if it is good enough for the Ten Commandments, it shall be good enough for thee. # Thy prophecy shall sound exceedingly [[Rule of Cool\|cool]], and shall mirror events transpiring in the plot thus far.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|17}}Thou shalt frame all of thy prophecies in the language of the [[~~Book of Revelation (Literature)\|~~Book of Revelation]], particularly the parts about rivers turning to blood, seven headed dragons, and women riding monsters or wearing crowns of stars. # Thy prophecy shall not be so specific as to preclude a [[Prophecy Twist]].▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|18}}Thy prophecy shall sound exceedingly [[Rule of Cool\|cool]], and shall mirror events transpiring in the plot thus far. # Thou mayest include a Nostradamus-style cryptic timetable.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|19}}Thy prophecy shall not be so specific as to preclude a [[Prophecy Twist]]. # Insomuch as thou includest this time-table, it shall always work out to the prophecy being fulfilled within three weeks of its being read on-screen (or at least no later than the season finale).▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|20}}Thou mayest include a Nostradamus-style cryptic timetable. # The location for the fulfilling of thy prophecy shall invariably be within four score furlongs<ref>ten miles</ref> of the protagonist's house. Thus endeth the law.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|21}}Insomuch as thou includest this time-table, it shall always work out to the prophecy being fulfilled within three weeks of its being read on-screen (or at least no later than the season finale). # And behold, it came to pass that the writers did name this law "[[Hollywood Apocrypha]]," and did use it to generate diverse sacred texts and fake scriptures.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|22}}The location for the fulfilling of thy prophecy shall invariably be within four score furlongs<ref>ten miles</ref> of the protagonist's house. Thus endeth the law. # And they did look upon their labors, and see that they were good. Well, no, not really good. But they did look upon their labors and see that they were not so horrible that people stopped watching their shows.▼ ▲# {{verse\|1\|23}}And behold, it came to pass that the writers did name this law "[[Hollywood Apocrypha]]," and did use it to generate diverse sacred texts and fake scriptures. ~~# And they did go shopping.~~ ▲# {{verse\|1\|24}}And they did look upon their labors, and see that they were good. Well, no, not really good. But they did look upon their labors and see that they were not so horrible that people stopped watching their shows. --{{verse\|1\|25}}And they did go shopping.\|''The Gospel according to Hollywood'', \|chapter 42, verses 1-25}} \|-\|Plain English= {{examples\|Examples:}}▼ There is currently no plain-text version. You can help this wiki <span class="plainlinks">[{{fullurl:{{FULLPAGENAME}}\|action=edit}} by providing one]</span>. </tabber> ~~== Comedy ==~~ ▲{{examples~~\|Examples:~~}} * [[Rowan Atkinson]]'s [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KN-8G0HCD5U "Amazing Jesus" sketch"] combines this with [[Sophisticated As Hell]].▼ {{quote\| And they brought to him on a stretcher a man who was sick of the palsy, and they cried unto him, "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy." And the Lord said, "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, [[Incredibly Lame Pun\|I'd be pretty sick of the palsy too!]]" And they were filled with joy, and cried out, "Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks; thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer."}}▼ == [[Comic Books]] == * The Crime Bible in [[The DCU]], which even spawned its own mini-series, ''Crime Bible: Five Lessons of Blood'', each issue of which opened with a passage from the Crime Bible. == [[Film]] == * ''[[Monty Python and ~~The~~the Holy Grail]]'' has a reading from the Book of Armaments (Chapter 2, verses 9-21), which gives the history and the correct usage of the [[Holy Hand Grenade]] of Antioch. ** Hilariously averted in ''[[Monty ~~Pythons~~Python's The Meaning of Life]]'', where (after a reading from the "St. Victor" sketch mentioned below) a chaplain leads the school in a prayer consisting of uninspiring ass-kissing ("Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you"), then in a hymn begging God not to cook them in various specific ways. * Invoked by the title characters of ''[[The Boondock Saints]]'' in the sequel. When asked if they say a prayer before executing someone, they decided to have a little fun, point their guns at the guy who asked them the question, and dramatically make up "verses" about the Vengeance of the Lord using [[Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe]]. * ''[[Pulp Fiction]]''. About a third of Jules's speech is pretty close to [http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ezekiel+25 the real Ezekiel 25:17], the rest is a pastiche of other Biblical phrases inspired by old Sonny Chiba movies. * The Shepherd's Journal from ''[[Atlantis: ~~the~~The Lost Empire]]''. * The Hell Bible in ''[[~~Constantine (Film)\|~~Constantine]]'', which has a different Book of Revelation. Seasons 4 and 5 of ''[[Supernatural]]'' delve into this as well, with the show's [[Designated Hero\|designated heroes]] consulting a "special" version of the Book of Revelation. ''[[The Prophecy (~~Film~~film)\|The Prophecy]]'' uses the exact same idea for a Bible found on a dead angel. * [[Woody Allen]], in ''Love and Death'': {{quote\| "Moses was right. He that...he that abideth in truth will have frankincense and myrrh smeared on his gums in abundance, and he shall dwell in the house of the Lord for six months, with an option to buy. But the wicked man...the wicked man shall have all kinds of problems. His tongue shall cleave to the roof of his upper palate, and he shall speak like a woman, if you watch him closely. And he shall...he shall...the wicked man shall be delivered into the hands of his enemy, whether they can pay the delivery charge or not. And...wait, I have more about the wicked man. I shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death...In fact, now that I think of it, I shall run through the valley of the shadow of death, 'cause you get out of the valley quicker that way. And he that hath clean hands and a pure heart is okay in my book. But he that fools around with barnyard animals has gotta be watched."}} * The classic Giant Bug movie ''[[Them]]'' has a character mutter such a verse: {{quote\| "And there shall be destruction and darkness come over creation~~<br />~~ "And the Beasts shall reign over the earth." }} == [[Literature]] == * This is parodied in ''[[~~Good Omens (Literature)\|~~Good Omens]]'', where Agnes Nutter's book and the ''Buggre Alle This Bible'' are both written this way. {{quote\| 25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying Where is the flaming sword which was given unto thee?~~<br />~~ 26 And the Angel said, I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.~~<br />~~ 27 And the Lord did not ask him again. }} * The ''[[Discworld]]'' novel ''[[~~Discworld (Literature)/Small Gods\|~~Small Gods]]'' pokes fun at this, where everything the Great God Om says {{spoiler\|after a sudden influx of worshippers}} is a scriptural passage. {{quote\| "Will you help?"~~<br />~~ ''V. You Don't Even Believe In Me!''~~<br />~~ "Yes, but I'm a practical man."~~<br />~~ ''VI. And Brave, Too, To Declare Atheism Before Your God.'' }} ** In the same book, a scribe jotted down Cut-Me-Own-Hand-Off Dhblah's eyewitness account of {{spoiler\|Om's ascension and Brutha's reaction}}, and it's written like this as well. Except that Dhblah's still trying to shift his very old produce, and tries to sell it to the scribe. * As explored by Bob Price in the non-fiction book "The Paperback Apocalypse," this is a frequent feature of apocalyptic/anti-christ related fiction. * The [[Tome of Eldritch Lore\|Necronomicon]] is often portrayed this way. * [[Dave Barry]]'s column "He Knows Not What He Writes" had this mysterious religious anecdote of the sort best explained by broadcast preachers: {{quote\| "And Bezel saideth unto Sham: 'Sham,' he saideth, 'Thou shalt goest unto the town of Begorrah, and there shalt thou fetcheth unto thine bosom 35 talents and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, provideth that they are nice and fresh."}} * The "Smokey the Bear Sutra" by Gary Snyder is a Buddhist variation on this theme. * Borderline example is the "Book of (insert Israeli leader name here)" in ''[[Private Eye]]'', which presents contemporary events in the Middle East in a parody of the King James Bible style. Line 71 ⟶ 69: * Similarly to the Rowan Atkinson version above, there was ''[[The Bible]]...According to [[Spike Milligan]]''. == [[Live -Action TV]] == * The Book of Origin for the Ori in ''[[Stargate SG-1]]''. * [[Joss Whedon]] is one of the most blatant abusers of this trope. Line 87 ⟶ 85: * "You talk about your psalms, you talk about your John 3:16. Well, [[Stone Cold Steve Austin\|Austin]] 3: 16 says I just kicked your ass!" == [[~~Real~~Recorded ~~Life]]~~and /Stand ~~[[Truth~~Up ~~in Television~~Comedy]] == ▲* [[Rowan Atkinson]]'s [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KN-8G0HCD5U "Amazing Jesus" sketch"] combines this with [[Sophisticated As Hell]]. * The U.S. Court of Appeals ruling in ''Zim v. Western Publishing Co.'', 573 F.2d 1318 (5th Cir. 1978) ([http://cases.justia.com/us-court-of-appeals/F2/573/1318/123615/ transcript here]) starts out with a parody of the first chapter of Genesis ("In the beginning, Zim created the concept of the Golden Guides") and continues in biblical fashion for a short while:▼ ▲{{quote\| And they brought to him on a stretcher a man who was sick of the palsy, and they cried unto him, "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy." And the Lord said, "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, [[Incredibly Lame Pun\|I'd be pretty sick of the palsy too!]]" And they were filled with joy, and cried out, "Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks; thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer."}} {{quote\| Then there rose up in Western a new Vice-President who knew not Zim. And there was strife and discord, anger and frustration, between them for the Golden Guides were not being published or revised in their appointed seasons. And it came to pass that Zim and Western covenanted a new covenant, calling it a Settlement Agreement. But there was no peace in the land. Verily, they came with their counselors of law into the district court for judgment and sued there upon their covenants.}}▼ * [[The Book of Mormon (Literature)\|The Book of Mormon]] is near-universally agreed to have errors and phrasing consistant with this trope indicative of a man of Joseph Smith's education emulating the King James Bible's style. Whether this is an indicative and an artifact of him ''writing'' it whole-cloth or of him ''translating'' something given from on high to the best of his ability is largely a matter of faith.▼ ** Pretty much ''any'' religious text of any religion translated into English will have numerous translations going out of their way to pretentiously imitate the King James Version's antiquated English for no reason whatsoever--even if the translation is from, say, the 1970's. The Koran in particular gets it bad.▼ == [[Web Comics]] == * ''[[Homestuck]]''. [http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=005996 This page] combines KJV-esque English with [[Sophisticated As Hell]]. {{quote\| And with righteous pap and blessed shoosh he did quell his brother's fury. For the Knight looked upon his Bard all acting up and completely losing his shit and he did resolve to calmeth his juggalo ass right the fuck down.}} == [[Western Animation]] == * Let's not forget the [[Beast Wars ~~(Animation)~~\|Covenant of Primus]], the Transformers equivalent of [[The Bible]]...or at least [[Apocalypse How\|those bits at the end]] (that is to say, the parts we ''hear'' are equivalent to the bits at the end). {{quote\| '''Megatron:''' ''"...and there came a hero who said: 'Hurt not the Earth, nor the sea, nor the trees, nor the very fabric of time,' but the hero would not prevail!"''~~<br />~~ '''Optimus:''' ''Finish the quote, Megatron. "Nor would he surrender!"'' }} == [[Real Life]] == ▲* The U.S. Court of Appeals ruling in ''Zim v. Western Publishing Co.'', 573 F.2d 1318 (5th Cir. 1978) ([http://cases.justia.com/us-court-of-appeals/F2/573/1318/123615/ transcript here]) starts out with a parody of the first chapter of Genesis ("In the beginning, Zim created the concept of the Golden Guides") and continues in biblical fashion for a short while: ▲{{quote\| Then there rose up in Western a new Vice-President who knew not Zim. And there was strife and discord, anger and frustration, between them for the Golden Guides were not being published or revised in their appointed seasons. And it came to pass that Zim and Western covenanted a new covenant, calling it a Settlement Agreement. But there was no peace in the land. Verily, they came with their counselors of law into the district court for judgment and sued there upon their covenants.}} ▲* [[The Book of Mormon (~~Literature~~literature)\|The Book of Mormon]] is near-universally agreed to have errors and phrasing ~~consistant~~consistent with this trope indicative of a man of Joseph Smith's education emulating the King James Bible's style. Whether this is an indicative and an artifact of him ''writing'' it whole-cloth or of him ''translating'' something given from on high to the best of his ability is largely a matter of faith. ▲** Pretty much ''any'' religious text of any religion translated into English will have numerous translations going out of their way to [[Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe\|pretentiously imitate the King James Version's antiquated English]] for no reason whatsoever-- — even if the translation is from, say, the ~~1970's~~1970s. [[The ~~Koran~~Qur'an]] in particular gets it bad. {{reflist}} [[Category:~~Trope~~{{PAGENAME}}]]▼ [[Category:Fictional Media]] [[Category:Religion Tropes]] [[Category:Artistic License Linguistics]] [[Category:Self -Demonstrating Article]] [[Category:Hollywood ~~Apocrypha~~Style]] ▲[[Category:Trope]]