View source for How to Invade An Alien Planet

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''So you're traveling the space lanes, looking for some ripe planet to [[Alien Invasion|invade]] and [[Planet Looters|loot]]. Here are some tips to ensure you don't end up like all the others out there who've [[Easily-Thwarted Alien Invasion|tried and failed]]. All we request for giving you this information is, should you successfully invade a planet, that you give us some of the fruits of your labor and possibly positions of power on the planet you invaded. Preferably far away from the planet in question.''

== Phase One: Motivation and Planning ==
# If you're looking for some ridiculously common substance like helium, water, oxygen, etc., there are ''millions'' of lifeless rocks where you can get the stuff essentially for free, without the need to fight off pesky hostile natives. Aluminum? Uranium? Go mine an asteroid and leave the [[Puny Earthlings]] alone.
# Free advice: water is ''bulky''. Even a fleet of a thousand mile-wide spaceships [[Sci-Fi Writers Have No Sense of Scale|can't hold enough]] to make a significant impact on a planetary biosphere. [[Battle: Los Angeles|If you need it for reaction mass]] and not to drink, see #1. In fact, if you don't need it for reaction mass and do need it to drink, also see #1 (sure, it's dirty, but you can clean it up with simple distillation—and probably get some nice salts, hydrocarbons, etc., in the bargain).
# If you're [[Sufficiently Advanced Aliens|sufficiently advanced]] to cross interstellar space in the first place, consider investing some research into basic technologies like food replication. [[To Serve Man|Harvesting native intelligent beings as cattle]] is dreadfully inefficient, and they tend to object. And if you ''are'' looking for a bite to eat, you might want to try [[Aliens Steal Cattle|abducting large, meaty animals]] instead of wasting your time with the boniest, least nutritious species on the planet—to say nothing of the only species on the planet capable of understanding what you're doing and taking exception to it. With guns.
# Similarly, unless [[Sliding Scale of Robot Intelligence|your robots are really dumb]] and only sentients can do a job you can't or won't, [[We Will Use Manual Labor in the Future|don't bother going to other planets to enslave the population]]. Better yet, buy/steal their automation technology instead! ([[Fridge Logic|By the way]], [[Insufficiently Advanced Alien|how did your species get into space]] ''[[Insufficiently Advanced Alien|without]]'' [[Insufficiently Advanced Alien|it?]])
# Check the air and water first to make sure they aren't [[No Biochemical Barriers|toxic to your kind]]. [[Signs|If you're invading a Class M planet but your species has a lethal reaction to H2O]], [[Too Dumb to Live|natural selection hasn't been doing its job]].
# Take samples of the plant, animal, and microbe life and do controlled studies to make sure your mighty invading army won't be [[War of the Worlds|killed by a bacterium]]. Further, test all of these samples to ensure that they don't have [[Alien Catnip|non-lethal but disabling or embarrassing effects on your biology]] like [[Worldwar|ginger making your troops horny]] or [[Alien Nation (TV series)|sour milk making you drunk]]. Lastly, cross-check your and the invadees' relative ''scale''. There's nothing more embarrassing to the average galactically-feared alien conqueror than commanding your vast battlefleet across the interstellar void and into a screaming dive upon your target planet with all weapons blazing, only for it to be [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|swallowed in its entirety by a small dog]].
# Bring a fully-equipped scientific staff to deal with any unexpected issues that may crop up (and they will). Treat them with respect so they don't [[Mistreatment-Induced Betrayal|revolt on you]].
# If the [[Death World|air, water, or biota are hostile]], and you can't find a solution that doesn't involve covering your people with inch-thick environment suits, ''leave''. Corollary: If the ecosystems are hostile, and you're after something underground, consider burning the offending biospheres off with an orbital bombardment. Your guys will still be in life support suits, but you'll save money on security.
# Do some basic research on the history of your target planet—you shouldn't even need to make contact for this as any planet technologically advanced enough to be a threat to you is going to be broadcasting information like crazy. If they've got a history of thwarting invasions and bringing unstoppable galactic juggernauts of destruction to heel? ''[[Know When to Fold'Em|Run right the fuck away]],'' or if your diplomats are skilled enough, and you can offer a big enough bribe, [[Humans Are Warriors|point them at your enemies]]. Naturally, if the inhabitants of your target planet appear to possess [[Rule of Cool|implausible levels of martial prowess]], be sure that the information you're observing [[Aliens Steal Cable|is non-fiction]].
# ''Never'' make assumptions of how rapidly the native species advances. If you come to a planet [[Worldwar|assuming that they'd still be wielding sticks]] and they're actually developing the atomic bomb, you're in real trouble. [[Warhammer 40000|Especially if they are now arguably more advanced than you]].
# If your research is performed from a distance such as your home planet using high-powered telescopes, note that you observe light patterns as they were when they were projected from the alien planet. If you are doing your recon from two hundred light years away, even if your travel time was zero, the data would be two hundred years out of date.
# If the only threat to your rule is isolated or tied down somehow to a single geographic area such as a city or country, ''take care of them last'' - get entrenched first. Conquer everything out of their range of protection first, then lay siege to the remaining area. Use your now-superior amount of the planet's resources to overpower them with sheer numbers ''and'' superior weapons. Both, not either.

Addendum: Some particularly [[Half Life|hardy specimens]] will continue with guerilla warfare even after this point. Carpet-bomb the area when you've got him pinned down. Try rodding them first, so you can go in immediately afterwards. If you have sufficient quantity and shielding, try using free-neutron emitters. If either of those don't work or are unavailable, ''then'' go to [[Nuke'Em|nukes]]. Preferably from orbit.
# If the planet's defenders are low in number and ill-protected civilians, don't try to take them out in open combat. Local assassins and mob hit contracts work much better due to sheer experience in killing their own, and can't be stopped or detected by anything specialized to fight or detect you, so, before doing anything else, just bribe an amoral greedy native to take out his own defenders first, and make sure they finished the job. ''Then'' invade properly, again beginning with areas the defenders couldn't access if they were still alive (assume that they survived just in case, it won't hurt).
# If for [[The Masquerade|some reason]] you [[Animorphs|can't identify the defenders]], just carpet-bomb the area once you reach the "invade properly" stage. Once again, try unleashing the neutrons, then rodding, then [[Nuke'Em|nuking]]. No need to make the planet uninhabitable for yourselves.
# If your plan is to [[Terraform]] the world into a climate or environment more suitable for your own kind, once ''again,'' step one is to see if some uninhabited rock will do. If you're ''sure'' it won't, then exterminate the aboriginals before commencing operations - you'll be destroying their civilization regardless, and aboriginals are often shockingly adaptable and determined to survive terraformation.
# If your plan is to, by one means or another, [[Terraform]] the planet ''before'' you arrive, take the time to scan the hopefully-hospitable planet before approaching. The [[Command & Conquer|locals may have interfered with the terraforming process]], and at least a few have probably survived, and if - or more likely, ''when'' - they figure out you were responsible for [[The End of the World as We Know It|the end of the world as they knew it]], they will be ''pissed''.
# If you have an insatiable desire to eat souls, have you considered manufacturing them? Souls are software objects: investing in the mass simulation of innocents is both cheaper and safer than eating out.<ref>Call Microserf for a meeting in your star system.</ref>
# If your civilization has a piece of [[Lost Technology]] that was lost in this sector of space, always ''always'' '''always''' assume that the natives have found it, reverse-engineered it, or know how to use it, and plan accordingly. If you believe that your invasion will be utterly destroyed if the natives use this technology, just don't bother.
# If you are biologically compatible to any degree with the aboriginals, even if it's just being able to consume one another's flesh for nutrients, then make sure not to ignore the issue of germ warfare. If you can eat one another, it means their bacteria can kill you and yours them, and neither of you will have any immunity. Send robotic or [[We Have Reserves|expendable]] scouts in first to collect samples (see the abduction recommendations in the Meeting the Locals section for details), and run a thorough vaccination program on anyone who will come into contact with the natives.

Corollary- try infecting the local population with a disease that your own people are either mostly immune to or only mildly inconvenienced by- although this tactic is one best done ''after'' inoculating your own troops against the indigenous pathogens to avoid a massive backfire. If you're lucky, their population will be devastated and their civilization in utter chaos, making conquering quite easy and leaving large swaths totally unoccupied.
# Check the enemy for signs of a [[If I Am Ever Head of an Alien Monitoring Agency/Just For Fun|Alien Monitoring Agency]] '''BEFORE''' you invade. If they have a [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]] [[If I Am Ever Head of an Alien Monitoring Agency/Just For Fun|one]], don't bother. If however the agency is non-existent or is [[A Half Dozen Guys in A Basement]], you may be okay. If one of its agents is a certain [[The X-Files|Fox Mulder]], your chances are about 50/50: although [[Agent Mulder|he knows exactly]]--''exactly''—what you're doing, there's a good chance [[Cassandra Truth|nobody will believe him anyway]].
# You may think it brilliant to simply [[Time Travel|go back to an earlier time in history]]; before your target victims [[Star Trek|discovered warp-speed, phaser guns, and teleporters]], and the height of their technology are [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|snazzy digital wrist-watches]]. Just remember, chances are you won't be the only one trying to alter history. And folks won't be pleased that you're trying to destroy their ancestors. In addition, be aware of the tendency of primitive humans to have access to magic. Nothing breaks morale more than having half your fleet taken down by a wizard on a hill.
# Can you [[Abusing the Kardashev Scale For Fun and Profit|trade]] with the locals instead of conquering? Many planets even practice slavery, and they certainly will like your new technology. Just remember to trade them microwave ovens, not death rays.
** Might want to be careful with the microwave oven tech, unless you fancy the risk of being toasted with MASER weaponry.

== Phase Two: Meeting the Locals ==
# Hire a really good cultural interpreter to help you get around those [[My Hovercraft Is Full of Eels|unfortunate]] [[Either World Domination or Something About Bananas|misunderstandings]] that occur when you are dealing with [[Starfish Language|alien language]] and customs. It really damages any occupation attempt when the first thing thing the locals hear you say is [[My Hovercraft Is Full of Eels|how your hovercraft is full of eels]] rather than how your spacecraft is full of orbital-bombardment cannons.
# If you wish to [[Playing with Syringes|"learn"]] about the anatomy/biology of the locals before destroying them (and still wish to remain hidden), make sure you abduct specimens who either won't be missed or won't be reported missing, i.e. a homeless local or someone who lives in the middle of nowhere.
# Unless you implant some sort of mind control device into the specimen without killing them, never, ''ever'' release them back into the general public if you don't want your cover blown. Although, depending on the species, the others may or may not believe the abductee. [[What Could Possibly Go Wrong?|It still doesn't hurt to not]] [[Tempting Fate|take a chance.]]
** Also, be ''absolutely certain'' that the abductee isn't an associate of a future [[La Résistance]] leader and/or member.
** The way to tell is that female leaders of [[La Résistance]] are always irresistible to young male members of the human race. Male members are always skilled in all forms of combat, so you considering how you were able to carry out the abduction in the first place might be wise.
** Alternatively, just try and steal some of the native's own studies on their biology, they've spent much longer than you at learning their own anatomy.
# If you really do [[I Come in Peace|come in peace]], expect the locals to speak a ''[[Starfish Language|very]]'' different language from [[Indo-European Alien Language|yours]]. There will have to be a [[You Fail Linguistics Forever|great deal of time invested in decoding and learning]] the mode of communication well enough to establish diplomatic relations.
# If you [[We Come in Peace, Shoot to Kill|don't come in peace]], don't even bother and just start invading. Any time you spend learning about and infiltrating ''them'' via subterfuge and public relations is time you are giving them to learn about ''you'' and your weaknesses and limitations via spying, ill-conceived dropped factoids, and basic behavioral habits.
# Don't pretend to be "[[I Was Just Passing Through|just passing through]]" when you have clearly studied the native culture well enough to look exactly like them, speak the language fluently, and understand their societal and cultural issues.
# Helpful hint: appearing out of nowhere [[Independence Day|over dozens of cities at once in giant ominous spacecraft]] is not good for public relations. Figure out how the natives communicate and [[I Come in Peace|talk to]] [[Take Me to Your Leader|their leaders]] a bit first. Give them time to prepare for the culture shock. The exception is if you immediately start obliterating said cities. See Phase Three.
# Don't try to look too much like the natives. [[Hugh Mann|Uncanny resemblances]] breed suspicion. Unless there's some kind of weird universal [[Human Aliens|convergent evolution]] going on, in which case ''explain this ahead of time''.
# If you are really [[V|reptilian monsters]] underneath those disguises, have a contingency plan for when the natives figure this out. Better yet, come as yourselves. The natives will get over it faster than if they find out you're hiding something.

Corollary: The great thing about being up front about your non-nativeness is that no one will ever imagine you can use spies, moles, saboteurs or [[Battlestar Galactica|sleeper agents]]. Won't the natives be surprised when anyone from the janitor to their [[Take Me to Your Leader|supreme leader]] [[They Look Like Us Now|can be one of you?]]
# Don't try to lure the natives with the [[Interspecies Romance|promise of sex]]. Sooner or later they'll actually want some and; (a) figure out you can't provide; or (b) do it and end up giving birth to some weird [[Half-Human Hybrid]] with magical powers that will be turned against you.
# Don't try to supplant the natives' religion. It never goes well. Instead of friendly natives, you've now got a bunch of mindless grovelling sycophants and a bunch of violently outraged fanatics who will stop at nothing to kill you.
# If you're sending scouts down to the planet, make sure none of them are the type to [[Avatar (film)|sympathize with the natives]] and either [[Defector From Decadence|defect]] or [[Battle for Terra|sabotage your plans]].

Corollary: don't mistreat or kill your own workers. They will defect and they will tell the natives exactly how to crush you.
# Analyze all native government and military databases, especially [[Government Agency of Fiction|small or little-known organizations]]. Also look into [[All Myths Are True|native legends and myths]]. If they indicate that your intended conquest has an [[Doctor Who|alien protector]], a [[Stargate SG-1|secret project that has already made contact with alien species]], a [[Torchwood|stockpile of alien artifacts]], or some other [[Sealed Good in a Can|recurring righter of wrongs]], run. [[Know When to Fold'Em|Just run.]]
# Any infiltrators should be closely monitored for defection. Should there be strong or conclusive evidence of such, they should have their security clearance revoked ''immediately'' and be detained in a holding facility, preferably far away from the target planet, ''not'' guarded by anyone they could ever possibly have met, and certainly not anyone sympathetic. And by ''immediately'', we mean "have that changed in the system ''now''." [[Babylon 5|Just because you took away their key- and identification cards does not mean that they don't have another stashed away somewhere]].
# If normally objective scientists suddenly claim an ostensibly supernatural phenomenon, such as [[Avatar|the natives' version of God]], is both real and scientifically verifiable, do not dismiss them out of hand, no matter how much easier ignoring it would be. Halt all operations that might be affected, have their results verified by independent scientists, and tested by another group of scientists, with full procedures observed as much as possible. If they are correct, modify or cancel operations accordingly.

== Phase Three: Conquering the Locals ==
# Study the native technology to make sure that your super-advanced weaponry isn't [[Cool but Inefficient|startlingly]] [[Awesome but Impractical|inferior]] to its [[Rock Beats Laser|mundane equivalent]].

Corollary: ''Never'' underestimate the enemy's ability to [[Star Wars|improvise]].

Second Corollary: Analyze their technology from every possible angle. Is there anything seemingly harmless that [[Superweapon Surprise|could be used as a powerful weapon]]? Be sure not to overlook [[Weaponized Exhaust|easily-weaponized non-weapons technology]] when making a threat assessment! (See those [[Known Space|big cats]] over there? Ask them about this one; will ''they'' have stories to tell). Keep in mind that [[Proud Warrior Race Guy|depending on]] [[Humans Are Warriors|the species]], an effective [[Lotus Eater Machine]] and an [[I Know Mortal Kombat|advanced military training simulator]] may turn out to be [[Warrior Heaven|the same thing]].

Third Corollary: Make sure they can't use your weapons or [[X-COM|easily reverse engineer them]]. Your technological advantage in combat exists only as long as you and your allies are the only ones using said technology.

Fourth Corollary: Don't be too proud to steal ideas. If it works well against you, it might work well against others.
# Rig any of your technology that the natives could possibly capture with a [[Failsafe Failure|foolproof]] remote-controlled [[Self-Destruct Mechanism]].

Corollary: Make sure the enemy is not skilled in [[Hollywood Hacking]] first. Nothing quite compares to your invasion force dramatically exploding moments from final victory.

Second Corollary: Make sure that you have an override code to execute this destruct in the event your people try to use the equipment they were issued against you.
# Make sure your infantry weapons don't have [[Bottomless Magazines|infinite ammunition]]. If the natives capture them, it will come back to haunt you. The best course of action is (if you can give them bottomless magazines in the first place) to use [[District 9|gene-locking to limit them to your troops]].
# If your invasion armada has [[The Mothership|a mothership]], make sure it's indistinguishable from the rest of the fleet. [[Keystone Army|Doubly so if its destruction would disable your armed forces]].

Corollary: it might be worth it to invest into telecommunications and keep the mothership in orbit where it can't be taken out by [[Starcraft|12 marines with rifles]].

Corollary: Expect the best native tactician to [[Ender's Game|spend hours studying recordings of your maneuvers]] searching for weak points. You mothership should not be recognizable even under this level of scrutiny.

Corollary: If you absolutely ''have'' to have an ostentatious mothership, have at least one class of ship that is bigger and more obvious, or make it part of a regular class of ships. To many civilizations, [[Bigger Is Better]] is usually an indicator of major firepower or command, and will tend to focus efforts on them.

Corollary: A single small ship hanging back from the main engagement is ''also'' an obvious target and therefore a bad place to command your operations from, especially since actions against it will tend towards using a [[Ragtag Bunch of Misfits]] who may well be more effective than the regular enemy force.
# If your objective is to conquer the planet and [[Kill All Humans]], just ''do it''. Don't beat around the bush—if you've traveled across light-years to get here, you've gotta have some pretty decent weaponry. The longer you wait under the [[We Come in Peace, Shoot to Kill|pretense of being friendly]], the longer the natives have to organize a resistance and find your weaknesses... or [[Summon Bigger Fish|call for help]].

Corollary: If you are going to [[Kill All Humans]], damn well finish the job. Those scattered bands of pitiful survivors may look pathetic and harmless ''now'', but give them a few generations to build up their numbers and you have a bunch of [[Battlefield Earth|determined]], bitter opponents who are very good at not dying.

Second Corollary: If your interest is not specifically in wiping out ''only'' the dominant race, consider [[Death From Above|orbital]] [[Colony Drop|kinetic]] [[Apocalypse How|bombardment]] that will reduce your target planet to, at best, a blasted wasteland and at worst a pile of molten slag.
# Put a firewall on your [[Master Computer]] so they can't disable your [[Deflector Shields]] [[Independence Day|with the Melissa virus]].
# If an older model scout ship that you lost contact with decades ago suddenly shows up in the middle of your invasion and wants to dock with your mothership, don't let it. Quarantine it and make sure that it's not the natives [[Dressing as the Enemy|pulling some trick on you]]. In fact, [[No-Nonsense Nemesis|just shoot it]]; even if it ''is'' the pilot that was shot down, they've probably either gone native or developed Stockholm Syndrome by now.
# If you are the kind of aliens who prefer to seed planets with [[The Virus]] rather than land and conquer, when you do follow up in person, don't just [[What Could Possibly Go Wrong?|assume that your virus worked perfectly]] and [[Too Dumb to Live|come without any kind of defenses]].
# Don't try to break up the inevitable [[La Résistance]] with heavy handed police state tactics. Ignore them—if your [[Masquerade]] is good enough, nobody will believe them.
# Don't commit your entire force to the first wave. Keep reserves, including your high command, at a safe distance. If the natives are pushovers, you haven't lost anything. If they're tougher than expected, you've got [[The Cavalry]] to turn the tide. If they find an [[Achilles' Heel]], the second wave can figure out how to counter it. If all else fails, [[Know When to Fold'Em|you've got a way to retreat]].
# Recall that [[Planetville|a planet is not a city]], and thus any attempt to conquer one [[Sci-Fi Writers Have No Sense of Scale|is roughly equivalent to a world war]] and not a small battle, and that planets, unlike cities, can be and usually are entirely self-sufficient. Make sure that you have either sufficient technological superiority/firepower to render any of the natives' numerical and logistical advantages useless, or get yourself a billion-soldier army, a million-man planning department, and get ready for several years of potentially fruitless hard slog.

''Corollary'': Congratulations! You've just [[Space Battle|destroyed the defending fleet in orbit around the planet]]! One problem: there's still the planet itself. Remember this military maxim: "You can bomb it, you can strafe it, you can cover it with poison, you can turn it into glass, but you don't own it unless your infantry's on it and the other guy's isn't." In other words, despite your victory in the void, you probably don't have a single boot on the ground; the planet is thus still entirely in the hands of your enemy, and therefore ''not'' conquered and still hostile. Now you have do decide: Do you even want the planet? If so, do you have to keep the surface intact and the natives alive? If you think that the answer is "yes" to either question, see immediately above. Is it worth it given the cost? (Don't succumb to the [[Sunk Cost Fallacy]]!) If you don't want it or if the cost is too high, just bombard it from space [[Homeworld|before the locals send their stockpile of ICBMs your way]].
# Make sure you didn't [[Universe At War|wake up other alien groups]] while duking it out or provoke feint attacks. If the planet is capable of supporting carbon lifeforms, there's the potential of precursor civilizations coming and starting a two-way war with you.
# If your goal is to [[Puppeteer Parasite|take over the natives' bodies]] [[Animorphs|to use as your own]], then your ''entire'' invading force is [[The Mole|Moles]]. You are in the perfect position to conquer without anyone even knowing you're there until it's too late; overt acts of conquest, however, ''[[Animorphs|Esplin 9466-alpha]]'', will just alert the natives to your presence and get them to mount a defense/resistance. On the other hand, you're in an ideal situation to use a [[Humans Are Warriors|sufficiently xenophobic and violent]] host species to do the dirty work of eliminating your interstellar enemies for you.
# Remember that hackers may [[Hollywood Hacking|break into your computers]] and destroy them with a [[Computer Virus]]. Sometimes it's because [[ET Gave Us Wi Fi|because their technology was reverse engineered from yours]], and sometimes... [[Magical Computer|well, sometimes they just get lucky]].

== Phase Four: Ruling the Locals ==
# Once you've conquered your planet of choice, begin reading up on [[Evil Overlord List|the proper]] [[The Prince|governing documents]].
# If you do end up having to fight [[La Résistance]], consider using your advanced technology to build some decent, reliable ranged weapons. [[Never Bring a Knife to A Fist Fight|Hand to hand combat]] is ''so'' last century, and the natives will probably [[Zerg Rush|outnumber you]]. Exception: If [[Deflector Shields|shield]] technology has developed [[Dune|in such a manner that only slow objects can penetrate them]], [[Guns Are Useless|guns are, of course, useless]], and you may freely ignore the above advice. However, [[Dune|should there be situations where the enemy is not using/cannot use shields]], be sure to have ranged weapons in reserve.
# For Xenu's sake, if you ''have'' conquered the populace, [[Battlefield Earth|don't take one of your enslaved locals to a preserved library full of technical manuals, scientific journals, treatises on military history, and inspiring historical documents]], [[Just Between You and Me|just so you can gloat about how none of it will help them]]. They always seem to stumble upon their version of the Declaration of Independence, and then you might as well just bring out the white flag.
# If you keep any of the locals alive, don't tell them ''anything'' about you, or ''especially'' your technology. Even if it's for one of your [[Zany Scheme|zany schemes]], or you feel like gloating, or if you plan on killing them afterward. There's just too much potential for things to go wrong.
# For that matter, don't take the aboriginals as [[Battlefield Earth|slaves or pets]]. They may look cute and/or harmless, but it's just not safe in the long run. On the other hand, providing good living conditions, health care, and good pay (in currency worthless to you) can work quite well so long as your own people don't have obviously superior living conditions. As slaves, aboriginals are nothing but trouble. As valued employees (or so they think), [[Known Space|aboriginals may prove surprisingly useful]].
# ''[[Battlefield Earth|Pay attention]]'' to your conquered territory. If you're not going to administer it yourself, at least garrison it with your own people. [[Star Control|Assigning one set of slaves to keep an eye on another]] is just asking for trouble.
# Keep a close eye on any [[The Quisling|turncoats]] that have joined your side. If they're willing to betray their own species, their words of loyalty aren't worth squat; [[Rewarded as a Traitor Deserves|reward them appropriately.]] [[Reverse Mole|And some of them aren't really working for you at all.]]

Corollary: On the other hand, don't ''entirely'' distrust your turncoat lackeys. They can be used to [[Vichy Earth|mask your rule with a "local" face]]. The more you keep the same under your rule as when the planet was independent, the less the locals will even notice that you're there, and the more likely they'll dismiss [[La Résistance]] as paranoid lunatics.
# While brutal dictatorship is the most obvious and well-tested method of governing an occupied planet, have you considered [[Brave New World (novel)|unlimited freedom to indulge]] in [[WALL-E|consumption]], booze, [[Government Drug Enforcement|drugs]], [[Eternal Sexual Freedom|sex]], food, gewgaws, games, [[Silly Love Songs|idiotic music]], and other forms of entertainment? ([[Tropes Will Ruin Your Life|Internet access is particularly good for this purpose]].) While possibly more expensive than the alternative (on the other hand, perhaps not—guns, [[Secret Police]], and torture chambers can be awfully expensive), it will pay off by ''utterly pacifying'' the populace, who will be so busy buying, eating, drinking, playing, and [[Precision F-Strike|fucking]] that the few people who might have the will to stand up against your regime will be a couple of scattered, self-righteous egghead intellectuals. If you play your cards right, [[Brave New World (novel)|even they will be at a loss at how to overthrow you, consoling themselves with simply being unhappy as a small act of rebellion]].
#Use [[The Quisling|quislings]] well. They work great for putting a native face on your policies, and sentients take orders better from their own kind. Some native will be willing to help the occupation for luxury for their family and very little real power.

== Phase Five: Worst-Case Scenarios ==
# If you are not really strong enough to conquer the planet, but are instead faking superiority in order to hide a [[Weaksauce Weakness]] or [[Achilles' Heel]], have a plan for the natives figuring this out. Even if it involves begging for mercy, it's better than ''dying''. Who knows, they might even help you willingly.
# If there's a stronger alien race out there that you're fleeing from because they are [[Always a Bigger Fish|even nastier than you]], ''[[V|don't]]'' [[Sins of a Solar Empire|go out of your way]] to [[Iji|antagonize the natives]] [[Justice League|if there's any chance they could help you]].
# If there's a stronger alien race out there that you're fleeing from because they are hunting you down for the [[Horde of Alien Locusts|planet-looting vermin]] that you are, finish your work quickly before they show up and [[Enemy Mine|recruit the natives to their side]]. Don't count on your [[Propaganda Machine]] working.
# If, despite all your preparation and technology, you're losing the invasion, be sure to wipe your starmaps. The last thing you want to do is give those little bastards directions to your homeworld so they can [[Ender's Game|launch a punitive invasion]].
# Above all, ''[[Know When to Fold'Em]]''. Know when to walk away. Know when to run. Sometimes, it's just not worth it.
# Also, keep this in mind. If your ship's sensors do a scan of the planet's surface and detect [[Doctor Who|a small, blue box innocently sitting there]], then the only option is to turn tail and run. Run like an angry god is chasing you... because, frankly, one is. (Sure, there's lots of non-Tardis Police boxes. Can you afford the consequences of not identifying the one you have to worry about?)

Exception: If you can trick the governments of the world into doing something [[Moral Event Horizon|horrific enough to cause this guardian to turn away in shame]], you only need to deal with [[Torchwood|some Welsh bisexuals]]. Still an unpleasant fight, but it's better odds. Likewise, if your surveillance of the planet below reveals a long history of [[Super Sentai|giant]] [[Power Rangers|robots]], then don't even waste your time, because there is ''no way'' this will end well for you.

Corrollary: Run ''constant'' sweeps for any and all potential threats at all times; nothing is more embarrassing than someone you know can and ''will'' wipe your forces to a man showing up because you only swept for threats on arrival. Things to watch out for include [[Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann|mecha sporting]] [[Cool Shades]], [[Star Trek|saucer-shaped cruisers]], the [[Men in Black (film)|Men in Black]], [[Sword of the Stars|starships with ring-shaped FTL systems]], [[Metroid|Samus Aran]], [[Halo|the Spartans]] and [[Powered Armor]]-wearing [[Half Life|bespectacled physicists]] with [[Weapon of Choice|crowbars]] - any one of those (''especially'' the last ones) showing up are ''very'' prone to wrecking your shit beyond your ability to contain.
# In case of complete rout and really serious worst case scenarios, make sure you have a [[Star Wars|Death Star]] on hand or have [[Spore|bought a planet buster from a friendly empire]]. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, accept that you can never conquer Earth, and [[Earthshattering Kaboom|just blow it up]]. Of course, watch out for [[Ragtag Bunch of Misfits|small groups of plucky heroes]] in or out of spaceships - because those guys will always manage to blow up your Big Death Thing.
# If the planet you plan to invade is called [[Planet Terra|Terra]] and populated by a race called humans, reconsider your plans. Humans are [[Sociopathic Hero|incurably violent]], [[Humans Are Warriors|exceedingly fond of warfare]], and have [[HAD to Be Sharp|spent thousands of years dealing with other humans]] who are a far more formidable foe then all your wussy, over-refined, so-called soldiers. A better idea is to hire humans as [[Hired Guns|mercenaries]] to conquer other planets. This way your [[The Empire|empire]] will increase in size even more and humans will find pleasant employment in [[Humans Kill Wantonly|wanton slaughter]]. Everyone will be happy.

If you follow this policy, be sure you treat your humans nicely. Otherwise they kinda have a habit of rebelling and [[Galactic Conqueror|overthrowing empires]] in massive interstellar war, whereupon they set themselves up as [[Humans Are Leaders|rulers]] of their own [[The Empire|empire]]. Nonetheless, if you treat humans well and give them favor and the like, they'll usually become a very important part of your empire's cohesivity. [[Turned Against Their Masters|Uuuuuuuusually.]].

''If instead you want to destroy the place, go to [[Why You Should Destroy the Planet Earth]].''

{{reflist}}
[[Category:How to Guides]]
[[Category:Alien Tropes]]
[[Category:How to Invade An Alien Planet]]