Polish the Turd: Difference between revisions

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So what do you do? You try your best to [[Worse Than It Sounds (Darth Wiki)|make it look better than it is]] and hope that it's effective enough to sell a few million copies.

Incidentally, the ''[[~~Myth Busters~~]]'' have proven that you can indeed polish a literal turd to a high shine without resorting to additional coatings if you dry it, pulverize it, reconstitute it and pat it until very smooth. Bless those boys. There's also that giant shiny golden...thing [[wikipedia:Asahi Beer Hall|on the roof of Asahi Breweries]] in Tokyo. Officially it's named "''Flamme d'Or''", or "Golden Flame" and should represent a "burning heart of Asahi Beer" (even corporate lickspittles can be creative... sort of), but '''nobody''' who ever saw the thing has called it anything other than simply "Golden Turd". ThinkGeek also sells tiny golden turds as necklaces.

Incidentally, the ''[[MythBusters]]'' have proven that you can indeed polish a literal turd to a high shine without resorting to additional coatings if you dry it, pulverize it, reconstitute it and pat it until very smooth. Bless those boys. There's also that giant shiny golden...thing [[wikipedia:Asahi Beer Hall|on the roof of Asahi Breweries]] in Tokyo. Officially it's named "''Flamme d'Or''", or "Golden Flame" and should represent a "burning heart of Asahi Beer" (even corporate lickspittles can be creative... sort of), but '''nobody''' who ever saw the thing has called it anything other than simply "Golden Turd". ThinkGeek also sells tiny golden turds as necklaces.

There are numerous ways of doing this, many of which are Tropes on their own. And yes, all examples are [[Truth in Television]].

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'''Female:''' "Hey, if I buy that shampoo, I'll have a great body like hers!" }}

** Conversely, in visual media, [[Walking Shirtless Scene|buff men]].

{{quote|'''Male:''' "He's wearing just a loincloth, [[Rated "M" for Manly|but he's killing lots of people]], so [[Armoured Closet Gay|I'm more straight for watching it]].

'''Female:''' "He's hot." }}

* [[Crunchtastic|Euphemize, euphemize, euphemize!]] You're not selling a movie ticket, you're selling [[Stock Review Phrases|a riveting, thought-provoking cinematic Tour de Force that will leave you on the edge of your seat!]]<ref>By which we mean it will rivet your jaw open in disbelief; the thoughts it will provoke are "what a terrible movie", "what an incredibly shitty movie", and "No. Just...no."; it's a a tour de force of incredible crap; and it will leave you on the edge of your seat vomiting into your still-full bag of popcorn.</ref> It's not selling white bread, it's potassium-bromate-treated, high-energy LactoFlour produced as per the ancestral Babylonian recipe transmitted from father to son over five millennia (complete with [[All-Natural Snake Oil|all-natural]] Microflora-based leavening agents!), guaranteed to fuel your body for up to eight hours!<ref>By which we mean it's plastic we left in a warehouse in Iraq in 1952 and only just now managed to retrieve thanks to the war. It was in one of Saddam's abandoned nuclear research facilities, so it's technically full of energy. Also, it's been growing mold. ''Bon appetit''.</ref> It's not calorie-laden, it's a great source of energy!<ref>By which we mean that a calorie is a unit of energy--which it is. Not actually being smartasses this time.</ref>

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* [[Laugh Track|Laugh Tracks!]]

* [[Astroturf|Hire a bunch of puppets to pretend to be ordinary consumers while singing your product's praises in public.]]

* [[~~Myth Busters~~|Soak it in water and work it with your hands]].

* [[MythBusters|Soak it in water and work it with your hands]].

* In fiction, make it a [[Darker and Edgier]] of an existing product.

* When all else fails, [[Blatant Lies|lie outright about the product]].

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[[Category:Show Business]]

[[Category:The Shades of Fact]]

[[Category:~~Polish the Turd~~]]

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