View source for Riff Trax/Funny/Film Franchises

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== Film Franchises ==
=== Batman ===
==== Batman Forever ====
* This one's notable for being done not by the usual group, but by [[That Guy With The Glasses|Doug Walker]], his brother Rob, and Brian Hines, with plenty of good lines including the following:
* "Everytime I meet a guy, he's either gay or Batman." "Sometimes both!"
* "Harvey, you need help." "Yes, listen to the man in the Bat suit."
** Doubles as a [[Shout-Out]] to The Critic's review of ''[[Batman and Robin (film)|Batman and Robin]]''.
* "Why is no one undressing Comissioner Gordon with their eyes?"
{{quote|'''Later:''' "[[Brick Joke|I wonder what Commissioner Gordon is wearing right now...]]"}}
* "How do you sneak ''acid'' into a court house?" "And isn't it a conflict of interest to have Batman on the jury?"
* "Ronita, Roberto, and Robespierre" "And I'm Dick!"
* "I'm Batman!" [[I Am Spartacus|"I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!"]] [[Monty Python's Life of Brian|"I'm Batman, and so's my wife!"]]
* "In honor of the Graysons, send in the clowns..." (scene changes to outside Wayne Manor) "...Aaand a horse humping a rock. Way to ruin the moment, thank you Joel Schumacher."
* ''[After Batman is buried under a pile of sand]'' And to add insult to injury, Catwoman will now take a dump on him.
* "Is this a robin?" "No, it's a helmet, you dumbass."
* "I shall be the Green Lightbulb!"
* This:
{{quote|'''Two-Face''': "Heads, we accept, and tails, we blow your damn head off!" (''throws coin into the air'')
'''Doug, Rob & Brian''': '''''"TAILS! TAILS! TAILS!"''''' }}
* "[[Mystery Science Theater 3000|Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank]], they're not."
* "Oh God, they're not even trying anymore." "Even the [[The Muppet Show|Electric Mayhem]] wasn't ''this'' electric." "Looks like board game night at Elton John's house."
* "Tell me your fantasies." "Oh. Oh, that's just nasty." "Tell me your secrets." "Oh, ew, [[Noodle Implements|with a kumquat?]]"
* "I'm going to tell her... everything." "Even the sex change." "What?" "Nothing!"
* "Which one should I steal? Adam West, Michael Keaton... Clooney? What the...?"
* "Wayne Manor..." "...he killed ''how many'' prostitutes this time?"
* "Trick or treat!" "I'll unleash the hounds."
* "This is the douchiest way to do your laundry ever."
* "Mom, why are we walking through [[David Lynch]]'s brain? It's so foggy and scary and empty in here!"
** "Hey, look, the first Batman movie is on!" "Have you ever frolicked with a fox in a flickering fire? ...no, wait, that's terrible; wait there, kid, I got a couple more I want to try..."
* "It's happening again..." "I'll have Alfred get the rubber pants."
* ''[in a campy, lisping voice]'' Hi! This is Joel Schumacher. Allow me to explain this sudden change in style, location, and lighting.... I'm a bad director. The explanation is over.
* (On the Riddler's light-up suit) "Guess where he hid the battery."
* (In response to a close-up of a very... unfortunate... place...)"Why is there a zipper there?!"
* ''(After Batman enters Riddler's very cheesy lair)'' Ugh... I miss the Joker.
* "Hey, it's [[Two and A Half Men]]."
* "Edward Nigma has been screaming for hours that he knows the true identity of Batman." "Who is this 'Adam West' he speaks of?"
* [[Ho Yay|"Uh... are they holding hands?]] "There's nothing ambiguous about it anymore..."
* "Tommy Lee Jones ''IS'' Billy Dee Williams ''IN'' the role Aaron Eckhardt made famous!"
* "I think Commissoner Gordon has entered his second childhood." "Hee hee hee, hahaha! I WANT COTTON CANDY! I WANT A CANDY APPLE! BRUCE, GET ME SOME COTTON CANDY!"
* The [[Running Gag]] about the [[Dawson Casting]] of Dick. "I'm 15, really" "Oh God, I'm an orphan. A 28-year-old orphan" "I wish I was never legally made your ward at the age of 34"
* "I gotta save that booty, and Dr. Meridian."
* "HI! I'M YOUR DESTINY!"

==== Batman and Robin ====
* A choice selection can be found [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqLaBO5IcjA here]. But for specifics...
{{quote|'''Mr. Freeze''': I hate it when people talk during the movie!
'''Bill''': Uh, hey guys, can he hear us?
'''Mike''': Could be worse...[[Mystery Science Theater 3000|he used to be able to see us, too.]]<br />
'''Bill''': Good point. }}
** I'm [[George Clooney]] and I'm...sorry.
{{quote|'''Robin''': I want a car!
'''Mike''': I gave you a bus pass; wasn't that good enough?
'''Robin''': [[Call Back|Chicks dig the car!]]<br />
'''Batman''': This is why Superman works alone.<br />
'''Bill''': Actually it's because of his crippling Asperger's Syndrome. }}
** "Sorry we didn't get there in time to prevent the murder of thousands, Commissioner Gordon! We were waiting for the car to slowly spiral out of the floor!"
** "The ice-man cometh!" "The audience goeth!"
** "So where did [Mr. Freeze] get [[Mook|these guys]], anyway? Was there an ad that said, {{smallcaps|"WANTED: THUGS. Must Be Skilled in Hockey and Stunt Skating. Obedience Required -- Enthusiasm A Plus!"}}?
{{quote|'''Mike''': ''(during the opening [[Lock and Load Montage]])'' You didn't accidentally rent ''Butt-Man & Robin'', did you?
'''Kevin''': Come on, Mike; I wouldn't make that mistake a third time! }}
** [[Mishmash Museum|And thus ends the Greek artifact / dinosaur / big freaking diamond exhibit]].
{{quote|'''Poison Ivy''': First...I'll rid myself of the fur and feathered pests...
'''Bill''': She's gonna bomb [[Acceptable Lifestyle Targets|AnthroCon]]? }}
**
{{quote|'''[[Mad Scientist]]''': I have created viaducts into the most primitive part of his brain --
'''Mike''': The gonads! }}
**  "[[MythBusters|PHYSICS!]]"
{{quote|'''Poison Ivy:''' I am Nature’s arm! Her spirit! *crash* Her will! *crash*
'''Bill:''' Her PMS! }}
*  About Mr. Freeze's pointy-mobile:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': It looks like a [[Doctor Who|Dalek]] that went to Hot Topic.}}
*  (Frozen phonebooth) "NO! Not [[Doctor Who|the TARDIS]]!!!
*  Don't forget this little exchange:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': Okay, spiky gloves?
'''Bill''': Check.
'''Kevin''': [[Combat Stilettos|Impractical heels]]?<br />
'''Bill''': Check.<br />
'''Kevin''': ''Gorgeous'' ass?<br />
'''Bill''': Check.<br />
'''Kevin''': And of course, the rubber nipp--''hey''!<br />
'''Bill''': ''Booo...''[[Double Standard]]! }}
* "Quick Robin, he's heading into [[The Chronicles of Narnia|Narnia!]]" "[[This Is Your Premise on Drugs|We're seeing the clouds of cocaine that fueled the script-writing session behind this movie.]]"
* "Bat Skates, Bat Bombs, what's next, [[Batman (TV series)|Shark Repellant]]?"
* Also, this bit:
{{quote|'''Bruce''': Is it always my way or the highway?
'''Alfred''': Why yes, actually.
'''Bill''': PWNED!
'''Mike''': Uh, actually, you don't pronounce the P, it's just "Owned".
'''Bill''': ...And how do you know that, Mike?
'''Mike''': I-I was guessing...
'''Bill''': Yeah right! NERD! (laughs) PWNED!
'''Mike''': Okay, now you're just doing that on purpose! }}
* "Uh oh, they're gonna start humping the aquarium..."
* At the auction:
{{quote|'''Poison Ivy:''' Some lucky boy's about to hit the honeypot.
'''Bill:''' [[Winnie the Pooh|Oh bother!]] }}
* [[Mystery Science Theater 3000|"Yes! Now to fulfill my lifelong dream of shooting a man into space and forcing him to watch really bad movies!"]]
{{quote|'''Kevin''': ''(as the rocket smashes through the museum's skylight)'' [[Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory|If you want to view paradise~]]}}
* We simply can't forget this little [[Homestar Runner|homage]] after Bane is first created: "Now we'll put boxing gloves on his hands, sit him in front of a computer and force him to answer emails!"

==== The Dark Knight ====
* ''(Alfred enters a shipping crate to get to the new Batman lair)''
{{quote|'''Kevin''': ''(as Alfred)'' Mr. Nolte, your morning litre of drug store vodka sir.
'''Mike:''' ''(as Nick Nolte, in a deep gravely voice)'' Just put it next to my early morning litre of drug store vodka...
'''Kevin:''' ''(as Alfred)'' The empty one sir?
'''Mike:''' ''(as Nolte)'' Yeah, you got it.
'''Bill:''' Nick Nolte sounds like Batman!
''(Mike and Kevin laugh)''
'''Mike:''' .... You don't think?...
''(all gasp)'' }}
*  [[Running Gag|Jokes]] made at the expense of Aaron Eckhart's "chin ass."
{{quote|"His chin ass is obscene!"
"Bet his chin butt raises food safety issues."
"His hatchet-jaw easily cuts through the thickest crowds." }}
*  During Batman's Hong Kong mission: [[Die Hard|"A hostage situation has developed at Nakatomi Plaza."]]
*  "Judge Grandma, serves brownies and justice piping hot."
* Bruce Wayne knocks out Harvey Dent:
{{quote|'''Rachel''': What are you doing?
'''Bill''': [[Ho Yay|He's mine, damn it]]! }}
* When Bruce Wayne encounters one of [[The Joker|Joker's]] thugs:
{{quote|'''Joker Mook''': Hands up, pretty boy!
'''Bill''' (as Bruce takes down the [[Mook]]): [[Punctuated Pounding|Don't]] '''[[Punctuated Pounding|hate]]''' [[Punctuated Pounding|me because I'm]] '''[[Punctuated Pounding|beautiful]]'''! }}
*  "Then you're gonna love me... people say I have a puckish sense of feistiness that's irresistible."
*  Bill's overjoyed exclamation of [[Prince of Space|Krankor!]] when the Joker's sarcastic laughter interrupts the mob meeting.
*  From Batman's interrogation of Maroni:
{{quote|'''Batman''': [[Large Ham|"SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS!"]]<br />
'''Bill''': "RAWR!" }}
*  When Harvey claims to be Batman:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': "Don't act so surprised, after all that ''was'' part of his campaign slogan."
'''Mike''': "And what did you think the 'B' in Harvey B. Dent stood for? Milhouse?" }}
*  During the street chase:
{{quote|"What the hell is that?"
"It's a windshield, Bob!"
As the Tumbler smashes through a wall: "OH YEAH!" }}
*  The RT crew chuckling during Batman's "WHERE ARE THEY!?" screams as they literally feel the effects of [[Narm]]. Results in a running gag throughout the rest of the commentary.
{{quote|"You ever wonder if Batman ever gets lost on the road and has to ask On-Star 'WHERE ARE THEY!?'"
When Harvey Dent wakes up in the warehouse: "I wonder if he's thinking 'WHERE AM I?'" }}
*  "...and I won't kill you, because I liked [[Christian Bale|you]] in ''Newsies''."
*  The Joker explaining his madness:
{{quote|'''Joker:''' Do you know why I use a knife?
'''Mike (as Joker):''' Because soup tastes better when it's difficult. }}
*  When the Joker slides down that massive mountain of moolah:
{{quote|'''Bill:''' He's the first [[DuckTales (1987)|non-duck]] to amass enough wealth to do that.}}
* The annual Police vs. Firemen softball ends horribly again.
*  When the title appears at the end, and the trio presumes the movie was filmed backwards, wondering [[Christopher Nolan|what kind of crazy director would]] [[Memento|film their movie backwards]]...
* The Movie Referee.
{{quote|'''Harvey''': "...You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."
[Whistle!]
'''Bill''': "Foreshadowing penalty; clumsy sentence; seating plot point; makes no sense; fifteen yards; repeat third down." }}
* During the scene with Rachel and Harvey tied up.
{{quote|''(Close up on the bomb countdown.))''
'''Rachel''': "Harvey, calm down."
''Will counting down from forty help?" }}
** Also:
{{quote|'''Rachel:''' Can anybody hear me?!
'''Kevin:''' For the last time, NO! }}
* "During the scene on the ferries:
{{quote|'''Passenger (a woman with dreadlocks):''' Go ahead, do it!
'''Mike:''' Ms. Cleo commands you! }}

===  Harry Potter ===
==== General ====
*  The Harry Potter series as a whole has a ''long'' [[Running Gag]] of referring to Hogwarts as a Satan-worshipping [[Death Trap]], given all the accidents, attacks, teachers being evil, etc.

==== Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone ====
*  After Hagrid breaks down the door
{{quote|'''Bill''': [[Spider-Man (film)|Bonesaw]] is ready....to be the father you never had}}
*  "His jammies show that he means business."
*  "And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore."
*  "Now shut up and kiss me." Made even funnier by Bill's pitch-perfect Alan Rickman impersonation.
*  "[["Somewhere" Song|Somewhere out there,]] [[An American Tail|beneath the paaaale moonliiiight...]]"
* After Hermione cast a full body-bind curse on Neville
{{quote|"Anyone else want to be a hero?"}}
* '''Mike:''' [[Pink Floyd|WE DON'T NEED NO wizard EDUCATION!]]
* Upon meeting Hagrid:
{{quote|'''Harry:''' Excuse me...
'''Bill:''' Could you please kill these horrible people? }}
* '''Bill:''' [[Troll 2|Gringotts spelled backwards is "Sttognirg"!]]
* The first Quidditch match:
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' On my signal, untether Purgatory!}}
* When McGonagall turns from cat to human in the classroom:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' ''Mrowr''ning, class!}}
* "Join us, son... join ussss..."
* Draco summoning his broomstick:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' Sieg heil--I mean, up!}}
* '''Quirrell:''' TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!<br />'''Kevin:''' [[Deep Purple|Troll in the dungeon and pumpkins in the sky!]]<br />'''Mike:''' More like "gin in the teacher."
* During the life-size wizard chess game:
{{quote|'''Ron:''' The queen will take me.
'''Bill:''' A phrase uttered nightly by [[George Michael]]. }}
* During the [[Finger-Poke of Doom]] scene:
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' (as Voldemort's face) "What's going on? Are we winning? What's that smell?"}}
* When Hermione is moping in the restroom
{{quote|'''Bill:''' It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying.}}

==== Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets ====
*  "Bet you can't guess how drunk we are!"
*  "Ron! Fred! George!" [[The Beatles (band)|"Ringo!"]]
*  When Harry is escaping from the window
{{quote|'''Mike (as Uncle Vernon)''': * ''gasp''* Bacon sandwiches, is that you?
...
'''Mike''': Pork where you are, in the name of gravy!
'''Kevin:''' ''(falling out the window)'' Tell sausage I love iiiiiit! }}
*  On Gilderoy Lockhart's introduction:
{{quote|'''Mike''': Yes, treat your family and friends to the flavor of traditional [[Large Ham|Northern Irish ham]].}}
*  "[[Charlotte's Web|Charlotte's]] funeral service just let out."
* Upon finding Mrs. Norris petrified:
{{quote|'''Filch''': You've murdered my cat.
'''Mike''': You shall become my new cat. }}
*  (on Harry speaking parseltongue) "I believe that translates to "[[Eegah|Watch out]] [[Running Gag|for snakes]]."
*  The disclaimers about Quidditch:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' Quidditch: it's like the WNBA divided by curling!
'''Kevin:''' Quidditch: it's what your wife sees when you make her watch baseball!
'''Bill:''' Quidditch: there's actually videos of people trying to play it on Youtube!
'''Bill:''' Quidditch: take NASCAR, subtract the drunks, sunburn, and Confederate flags, but yet still somehow make it much, ''much'' worse. }}
*  (of Malfoy) "Boy, is my face punchable!"
*  When Snape hurls Lockhart to the ground during the duel session:
{{quote|'''Hermione''': Do you think he's all right?
'''Ron''': Who cares?
'''Mike''': I came for blood! }}
*  Harry, Ron, and Hermione run into Harry's room to find everything messed up.
{{quote|'''Mike''': (as Hedwig, perched nonchalantly on the nightstand) Okay, I did it. I was bored. Hoo.}}
*  "Check, pleeease."
** "For God's sake, CHEEEEECK."
*  "The [[Justice League]] of Hogwarts answers the call!"
*  As Harry flails wildly with his sword during the battle with the basilisk.
{{quote|'''Mike''': (laughs) Nice sword work, Harry. Skip fencing, too, I see.
'''Kevin''': Oh no, he went, but his instructor was [[Mr. Bean]]. }}
*  As Harry stabs the [[Soul Jar|diary Horcrux]]:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': (as Tom Riddle) Ooh, when I turned myself into a book, I never imagined for a moment that books could be damaged.
'''Bill''': I should have laminated myself! }}
*  "[[The Karate Kid|Sweep the leg,]] Draco."
*  Any time any of the riffers mimic's Dumbledore's wheezing.
* Commentary on the general cruelty of the wizarding world, such as
{{quote|McGonagall: "Today we will be transforming animals into water-goblets."
Kevin: "Why? Because we can! [[Evil Laugh|Mwehehehehe!]]" }}
* On the enchanted diary:
{{quote|Bill: "Buy the new bestseller by [[Tom Clancy]], "Dangerous Fearful Danger." It will literally BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!"}}
* Dumbledore: [Raspy] In the past few hours...
{{quote|*WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE*
"Did he just die right there?" }}
* Dumbledore: "All exams have been canceled."
{{quote|Bill: "Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin-shilling. That's right, whoop it up. You RETARDS!" }}
* Harry opening the snake door with Parseltongue:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' For God--you just said "Door the open!" Your snake is terrible!
'''Kevin:''' You know, we had a screen door just like this at our cabin, my mom must have told me a hundred times, "Don't slam the ''(makes Parseltongue sounds)''!" }}
* The endless round of applause that closes the film is taken to its logical conclusion: [[Inferred Holocaust|the whole hall has been cursed to applaud for eternity, or at least until their deaths.]]
* After Hermione freezes the pixies Lockhart let loose:
{{quote|'''Neville:''' ''(hanging from the chandelier by the collar of his shirt)'' Why is it always me?
'''Mike:''' Biddle-ee-bink-dee-bink, boing! And now can we PLEASE HAVE A STORY?! }}
* Ron's curse:
{{quote|'''Ron:''' Eat slugs!
'''Mike:''' Magic words: they're Latin except when they're not. }}
* About Moaning Myrtle:
{{quote|'''Bill:''' It's Harry in a wig, isn't it?}}
* After the spider scene:
{{quote|'''Harry:''' "Hagrid didn't open the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent."
'''Mike:''' "We have the word of a hideously giant spider that tried to eat us and that's good enough for me." }}
* "I'm a faucet, I actually don't understand any language."
* '''Hagrid:''' "The owl carrying my release papers got all lost and confused..."
{{quote|'''Bill:''' "Accidentally released a half-a-dozen unrepentent serial killers instead."}}

==== [[Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban]] ====
*  "If you bring me flesh I will do your bidding."
*  "Hermione casts the 'give Ron a boner' spell."
*  Mike's Dementor song.
*  The whole song scene, but especially Bill's riff on the toad at the end.
* '''Bill:''' ''[as a student]'' Aw, were going to have so much fun! Which classes are you taking- '''AAAH MY SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!'''
* The boggart scene.
{{quote|'''Lupin''': Picture your grandmother's clothes, ''only'' her clothes.
'''Mike''': Now imagine them crumpled in the corner of my bedroom, hehehe. }}
* The truth comes out:
{{quote|'''Hermione:''' ''(pointing at Lupin)'' He's a werewolf! That's why he's missing classes!
'''Mike:''' ''(as Lupin)'' Well, I'm a werewolf who smokes a ''lot'' of dope, and ''that's'' why I've been missing classes. }}
* When bowing to Buckbeak:
{{quote|'''Hagrid:''' Nice and low...
'''Mike:''' OH GOD, not THAT low! }}
* After Hermione punches Malfoy:
{{quote|'''Hermione:''' That felt good.
'''Ron:''' Not good: BRILLIANT!
'''Bill:''' [[Sarcasm Mode|Yes, truly a masterful work of genius.]] Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a small pool of vomit! }}
* '''Lupin:''' I've looked worse; believe me.<br />'''Mike:''' I don't; sorry.
* During a shot of Sirius in prison:
{{quote|'''Kevin''' (as Sirius): I'm gonna get out of here, [[Actor Allusion|change my name to Gordon,]] and ''[[The Dark Knight|commission!]]''}}
* Mike's mix of the Dementors and [[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory|Oompa-Loompas.]]
{{quote|'''Mike''' (quietly and sinisterly): E-vil, E-vil, Learn to be E-vil, Evil is fun and Doompity-Doo...''}}
* While Harry is flying on Buckbeak: "Meanwhile, sitting at home in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played [[Inheritance Cycle|Eragon]] hurls a whisky bottle at his TV."
* Comments on the horrifically dangerous Quidditch match:
{{quote|"Ah, so you need parent's permission to visit the local tea shop but Quidditch? The less parents know the better."}}

==== Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire ====
*  When Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson) shows up the first time:
{{quote|'''Mike''':"Ahh! [[Twilight (novel)|Undead]]!"<br />
'''Bill''':"Quick! Fall in love with it! Ahh!"<br />
'''Kevin''':"Make that love codependent and brooding! Ahh!"<br />
'''Mike''':"I'm very mumbly and pause-filled! Ahhhhhhhhhh!" }}
* ''[Moody transforms Draco into a ferret]''
{{quote|'''Moody:''' I'll teach you to curse someone while their back is turned!
'''Mike:''' [[Hypocritical Humor|By cursing you while]] ''[[Hypocritical Humor|your]]'' [[Hypocritical Humor|back is turned.]] }}
* After the ferret episode:
{{quote|'''Malfoy''': "My father will hear of this!"
'''Kevin''': "Yeah, when he sees the headline "Douche Humiliated"." }}
* "CSI: Burwick-Upon-Tweed"
* Bill (as Dumbledore): "I will now fight the big lady to the death!"
* As Moaning Myrtle flirts shamelessly with a bathing Harry:
{{quote|'''Harry''': "Myrtle..."
'''Bill''': "Why aren't you in Hell?" }}
* Bill: "The collective might of the Wizarding World is helpless against six bad guys."
* David Tenant appears on screen:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': Hey, it's Doctor... Uh...
'''Mike''': Who.
'''Kevin''': I'm trying to remember, give me a second. }}
* Kevin's interpretation of Roger Lloyd Pack's appearance of Barty Crouch Sr. looking like Hitler and then proceeding to act as such.
{{quote|'''Barty Crouch Sr.''': The rules are absolute
'''Kevin''': WE MUST ANNEX DAS SUDETENLAND!!!
'''Barty Crouch Sr.''': The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract.
'''Kevin''': Like the Munich Agreement
'''Barty Crouch Sr.''': Mr. Potter has no choice! He is...as of tonight...
'''Kevin''': OUR NEW FUHRER!!! }}
* Cedric Diggory's memorial service
{{quote|'''Dumbledore''': I think therefore you have the right to know how he died.
'''Mike''': Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, bucked-toothed man holding an evil baby.  }}
* Alastor Moody's first Defense Against the Dark Art's Class
{{quote|'''Alastor Moody''':YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST, YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED...
'''Mike''': YOU NEED TO OVERACT, YOU NEED TO PUSH.THE LIMITS.OF HAMINESS!!! }}
* Before the second task
{{quote|'''Bill''': Longbottom's transformation into Oscar Wilde is right on schedule.
'''Mike''': There's a schedule for that does it?
'''Bill''': Very rigorous. }}
* When Harry is having a nightmare (he's lying in bed, eyes closed, sweating and shifting):
{{quote|'''Mike''': I get it, he's lonely! [[Mistaken for Masturbating|We don't need to see how he deals with it!]]}}
* During Moody's class on the Unforgivable Curses:
{{quote|'''Moody''': Give us a curse.
'''Bill (as Ron)''': Uh...Sugartits? }}

==== Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix ====
* '''Dumbledore:''' Albus... Percival... Wulfric... Brian... Dumbledore.
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' The third... Esquire... Jr.......Mrs.}}
* ''[During Fudge's press interview]''
{{quote|'''Fudge:''' The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts-
'''Bill:''' Yes, but what about the rumors of gas shortages?
'''Kevin:''' Mr. Minister do you have a comment on the wizard genocide in Africa?
'''Mike:''' ''[as Fudge]'' Please keep all questions to the matter of staffing the local boarding school. }}
* '''Mike:''' The Floo Network, it's like The Food Network but instead of cooking it's people shivering and running to the bathroom.
* ''[In Dumbledore's office]''
{{quote|'''Harry:''' ''LOOK AT ME!''
'''Bill:''' A phrase that sums up the life of Paris Hilton.
'''Harry:''' What's happening to me?
'''Kevin:''' A phrase that sums up the life of Lindsay Lohan. }}
* ''[After the climatic battle in the Ministry of Magic]''
{{quote|'''Mike:''' ''[as Dumbledore]'' So Harry, how are your classes going?}}
* "Good morning, evil grandma!"
* This bit:
{{quote|'''Ron''': Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?
'''Mike''': I AM THE DEMON BELTHAGORE!!! Wha - whoops! I mean - I mean no one! Nothing! }}
* They have a lot of fun with [[Cloudcuckoolander|Luna]] [[Ensemble Darkhorse|Lovegood]].
{{quote|'''Mike:''' "Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins."}}
** "If the kitchens ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school."
** "I only eat moonbeams."
* As Harry enters Umbridge's office:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' (as a kitten plate) "Hi. Welcome to Hell."}}
* Harry puts on his glasses
{{quote|'''Mike:'''(As Harry) Dumbledore, shouldn't we have a spell that fixes eyesight? It seems like that...
'''Kevin:''' MORE CHOCOLATE FROGS AND BOOGER FLAVORED JELLY BEANS! }}
* "And somewhere on the internet a new [[No Yay|fanfic]] pairing is born"
* "Sometimes you just need a good burp to get out the Dark Lord"
* When Fred and George suddenly aparate right next to Harry:
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' "Gah! Avada Kedavra!" }}
* A small, but great bit comes when they suddenly have Umbridge ''hiss'' at Fred and George.

==== Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince ====
* '''Hermoine''': "If I were you, when he's around, I'd keep the snogging to a minimum."
{{quote|'''Mike''': "And stop wearing that shirt that says 'Doing Ron's sister.'"}}
* '''Dumbledore''': "Harry do as I say."
{{quote|'''Mike''': "The [[Harry Potter]] series summed up in five words.''}}
* Any time in the series Mike shows off his Snape impression but especially later in the series:
{{quote|'''Snape:''' Retrieve . . your . . wand.
'''Mike: (as Snape):'' And . . do it . . quickly. }}
** "Dragon.........''balls?''"
* "Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner."

===  Indiana Jones ===
==== Raiders of the Lost Ark ====
*  A lot of it can be found [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTJ1jsDxFg4 here].
**  "Gestapo Pizza!"
**  "They've seig-heil'd so many times, the words have lost all meaning."
**  "The gasoline! What will power our Nazi go-karts?"
**  "Private Otto has burnt the bratwurscht again, shoot him!"
**  "The idol is mooning us with full cheek spread!"
**  "So it's one tug for ''I found it,'' two tugs for ''The mummy is real and absorbing my soul.''"
**  "Please, sir, that is our only horse!" "Cram it, Osama!" "That is our only means of bringing water to the village! Without him, we will all die, sir!"
***  "And thus, Al Qaeda is born."
**  "Indiana Jones, meet '''Dusseldorf Strauss!'''"
**  "Goinonbreaknowbye!"
{{quote|'''Dietrich''': I am uncomfortable with the thought of this Jewish ritual.
'''Bill''': I ''like'' my foreskin! }}
**  "The funeral of Gary Coleman was a sad affair."
**  During the bar fight: "Oh good, a... pirate".
**  "Forgive me, father, I killed, like, eight guys today...hey, kid! Get out of my confessional!" "This is our kitchen." "No, ''you're'' drunk!" "Daddy!"
**  "Its filled with Skittles!"
**  "Grandpa tried to light the grill again."
**  "Hey boss! Guess what? (THUD) I'm dead."
**  "All these people do is get stoned out of their gourd and laugh like the ''[[Predator]]''!"
**  "Oh great, fanboys! Look, I've told you: I don't give a damn [[Star Wars|who shot first]]!"
** *WHAM* "[[AAAAAAAAAAAG Ghh]]" "GO PACKERS!"
** "Hitler, crazy? That's a reach."

==== Kingdom of the Crystal Skull ====
* As soon as the film starts, we get: "And we're back with Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Fire."
*  The grand marshal of this year's gay pride parade, Shia LaBeouf!
*  Man, that guy is begging for suicide by ent!
* On Cate Blanchett's accent:
{{quote|'''Indy:''' You're not from around here, are you?
'''Spalko:''' Where is it you would imagine I am from, Dr. Jones?
'''Kevin Murphy:''' I'm guessing the Bullwinkle Show.
'''Indy:''' Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wubble-u's, I should think maybe Eastern Ukraine.
'''Mike Nelson:''' Hm, I was thinking Fake-istan. }}
* Sung to the classic Indiana Jones theme as Indy "runs" on top of crates escaping gunfire:
{{quote|'''Bill''': Here we go now! Really sloooow! Nearly limping! 'Cause he's old, old, old! Old, old, old, old, old, old oooooold! }}
* Any of the cracks the guys make about Oxley being insane and smelly.
* After the logic-and-physics raping "Nuke the fridge" scene, Kevin wisely observes: "Okay, I guess for the rest of the movie, Indy battles bone cancer."
* When [[Fridge Logic|Dr. freaking Jones]] pronounces the word "nuclear" as "nu-cue-ler", Kevin says: "Nu-cue-ler: you might as well put it in the dictionary!"
* After Indy pulls the classic (read: stupid) blowing-the-dart-back-at-the-native trick:
{{quote|'''Bill''': ''(as the native)'' Oh! Loading the darts in backwards was a poor decision! }}

===  Lord of the Rings ===
==== The Fellowship of the Ring ====
*  "Uh-oh. They've invented the tank--pack it in, boys."
*  During Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party:
{{quote|'''Bilbo''': I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
'''Mike''': But I like half-and-half twice as much as whole milk and half as much as skim. }}
*  When the Ringwraiths attack Bree:
{{quote|'''Aragorn''': I know what hunts you.
'''Mike''': And his name is [[Looney Tunes|Fudd]]. }}
*  During Galadriel and Frodo's mirror conversation:
{{quote|'''Galadriel''': I know what you saw.
'''Mike''': You dirty little man. }}
* Gandalf's arrival:
{{quote|'''Frodo:''' You're late.
'''Mike:''' [[Winston Churchill|And you're short, but tomorrow I'll wake up and I won't be late anymore.]] }}
* This exchange:
{{quote|'''Saruman''': Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind.
'''Bill''' (in a stoner voice): So I like to wake and bake, what of it, man? }}
* During a sweeping shot of The Shire:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' You should see that place now...hobbit massage parlors, tacky billboards, little hobbit streetwalkers with shaved feet...}}
* '''Gandalf:''' Bilbo...the ring is still in your pocket.<br />'''Mike:''' Along with two pistachio shells, a breadbag tie, and some lint. HA HA, you see, I'm magic!
* Legolas' first appearance:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' And all the teen girls say "He's a boy, but he looks like me and he's safe! I love him!"}}
* Kevin, at the very beginning, talking about how rapt with anticipation he is to see one of his favorite characters of all time - Tom Bombadil, perpetrator of the novel's infamous [[Non Sequitur Scene]] who was never at any stage of production to be included in the film.
* One of Disembaudio's sync lines, delivered in a complete monotone: "You. Shall not. Pass."

==== The Two Towers ====
*  "[[Shout-Out|They're gonna]] [[You Don't Mess With the Zohan|mess with the Rohan]]?!"
*  The first time Frodo and Sam meet Gollum, and Gollum throws himself onto Frodo:
{{quote|'''Mike''': Any girl whose ever worn a [[Sailor Moon]] [[Cosplay|costume]] at [[Comic Con]] knows ''exactly'' how he feels.}}
*  When Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli meet the exiled Riders of Rohan:
{{quote|'''Eomer''': What business do a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?
'''Mike''': And shouldn't you be [[Stock Shticks|walking into a bar]] somewhere? }}
*  Turning "Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew" into a [[Stupid Statement Dance Mix]].
*  (As the Elves enter Helm's Deep) "Hey, can you point the way to [[300|Thermopylae]]?"
* "And his tombstone will be on a post-apocalyptic college campus."
*  Before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
{{quote|'''All (as orcs stomping their spears, in unison)''': Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot. }}
** Similarly, as Haldir's elves prepare for battle:
{{quote|'''All:''' ''(turning) Hey, look over there. ''(placing swords on ground)'' Boy, don't these things get heavy.}}
* Again, before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
{{quote|'''Mike (singing)''': And all the little orcs are marching, red and black helmets waving...
'''Kevin''': Uh, Mike, what did I tell you about singing Dave Matthews?
'''Mike''': Oh, uuuh...you know what? I wrote it down, hang on. "If I ever sung him in your presence, I would find my head rolling down a filthy alley and...wow." }}
* "I don't know, but I been told...Orc strong, but they not smart."
** "[[Shout-Out|Who leader of club]] [[Full Metal Jacket|made for you and me]]? Orc can't spell, but it [[Mickey Mouse]]."
* About the aftermath of the impending battle:
{{quote|'''Theoden:''' Crops can be regrown. Homes rebuilt."
'''Mike:''' Cows recowed! }}
* Aragorn returns:
{{quote|'''Legolas:''' You look terrible.
'''Mike:''' Terrib-ly rugged and sexy, right? }}
* To Faramir:
{{quote|'''Sam:''' Will you not help him?
'''Mike:''' Yes, I will not. }}
* Theodred's death:
{{quote|'''Bill:''' The death of [[Hanson]].
'''Kevin:''' Which one?
'''Bill:''' The one that looked like a girl and then turned ugly.
'''Kevin:''' [[Take That|Again, which one?]] }}
* The impaled Uruk head's possible last words:
{{quote|'''Bill:''' Hey, throw me a grape, I'll catch it in my mouth...what's that? ...Look out for what behind me?}}
* At the Wargs of Isengard attacking the Rohirrim: "They smell ''[[Bacon Addiction|bacon]]!''"

====  The Matrix Trilogy ====
{{smallcaps|The Matrix}}:
* When Mr. Anderson is being admonished by his boss:
{{quote|'''Boss''': You have a problem with authority--
'''Bill''': [[Hypocritical Humor|No I don't! Go to hell]]! }}
* When he's fleeing the Agents for the first time:
{{quote|'''Mr. Anderson''': This is insane...!
'''Kevin''': No no, [[Sequelitis|the next two movies are insane]]; this one was somewhat rational. }}
* When Mr. Anderson gets his mouth sealed shut:
{{quote|'''Mike''': Amazing it doesn't [[Dull Surprise|impair his acting talent]].<br />
'''Bill''': Oh, no! I have more to shave! }}
* "We melt down [[Terminator]]s to make our mirrors.
* "''I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT!!!'' '''''Short and stout.'''''"
*  During the scene where Morpheus explains The Matrix to Neo:
{{quote|'''Morpheus''': How did I beat you?
'''Kevin''': Quite soundly, thank you.
'''Morpheus''': You think that's air your breathing?
'''Mike''': Its wild rice. }}
* Trying to discuss what [[The Matrix]] is...
{{quote|'''Mike''': Okay, okay, so let me see if I understand The Matrix now...
'''Kevin''': Okay, give it a try.
'''Mike''': Uh...we all started shaved, and punctured, and immersed in pods full of KY...
'''Kevin''': Right.
'''Mike''': And we live in [[Crapsack World|a bland, unsatisfying]] [[Lotus Eater Machine|dream world]]...[[Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking|that's Linux-based]]...<br />
'''Kevin''': Uh-huh...<br />
'''Mike''': And [[Laurence Fishburne|Larry Fishburne]] [[Mushroom Samba|offers us drugs]] and rids our body of shrimp...<br />
'''Kevin''': Right.<br />
'''Mike''': And we pull the tendril timer out of our skull, put on greasy clothes, and head right back into the dream world!<br />
'''Kevin''': I think you got it!<br />
'''Mike''': Hey~! I know "What is The Matrix?"!<br />
'''Kevin''': ''That's'' [[The Matrix]]! }}
* "Okay, so weaponry, travel, computers, they're still super-advanced...but [[Tech Marches On|pornography, of all things, is still stuck in]] [[The Fifties]]?
* "And when you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last? Do you suck them very slowly, do you crunch them very fast?"

==== The Matrix Reloaded ====
* Their introduction:
{{quote|'''Mike''': Before your favorite franchises were afflicted with "[[The Godfather|Godfather's]] Syndrome" and let you down with number ''three'' in the trilogy...<br />
'''Bill''': ''[[Terminator]]''!<br />
'''Kevin''': ''[[X-Men (film)|X-Men]]''!<br />
'''Bill''': ''[[Shrek]]''!<br />
'''Kevin''': ''[[Spider-Man (film)|Spider-Man]]''!<br />
'''Bill''': ''[[Pirates of the Caribbean]]''!<br />
'''Mike''': ...''[[The Matrix]]'' was there, boldly flaunting convention, ''[[Sequelitis|and sucking in Part Two]]!'' }}
* "''[[Akira|TETSUO!!!]]''"
{{quote|'''Trinity:''' (on the phone) I'm in.
'''Kevin:''' ''(mimicking a typical dudey pizza delivery guy)'' You want what on your pizza? }}
* "The passionate dialog crackles with [[Star Wars|Anakinian]] lust!"
{{quote|'''Trinity''': What is it?
'''Neo''': ...I don't know.
'''Mike''': ''(chuckles)'' A tower of insight, this one. }}
*  Link is returning home to his wife
{{quote|'''Link''': Where's my puss...
'''[realizes that children are in the room]
'''Link''': Eeeeeeeey...
'''[The riffers chuckle]
'''Cas''':: C'mon kids, time to go.
'''Mike''': [as the kids]: But we wanna help Uncle Link find his cat! }}
*  During the infamous dance scene/sex scene
{{quote|'''Kevin Murphy''': This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in ''[[The Deer Hunter]]''.}}
...
[Later]
{{quote|'''Kevin Murphy''': Okay, now it's lasted longer than the '''entirety''' of ''The Deer Hunter''.}}
*  When Smith starts cloning himself:
{{quote|'''Bane''': Oh god!
'''Agent Smith''': [[Answers to The Name of God|Smith will suffice]].<br />
'''Mike''': ''(imitating Smith)'' I love it when they set me up like that!<br />
'''Kevin''': I think he likes the zinging almost as much as the killing.<br />
''(Bane's mutation into an Agent Smith clone is complete)''<br />
'''Mike and Kevin''': ''(both imitating Smith)'' My god, you're handsome! Thank you. Okay, knock it off! }}
*  "Father Reeves, Action Priest!"
*  "Pop goes the Agent~!"
*  "Big deal; [[Jackie Chan]] did this stuff [[Drunken Master|drunk]]."
{{quote|'''Smith''': Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, some part overwritten or copied...It is at this point irrelevant."
'''Bill''': ''(imitating Smith)'' We'll fill it in in a later rewrite, whoops." }}
*  The ten-second chorus of "Mr. Anderson" from Mike, Kevin, and Bill upon the arrival of all the Mr Smith clones.
* This exchange:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': So the nature of the universe is a date rape drug slipped to us by some pervy frog?
'''Mike''': I want a new universe! }}
*  "[[wikipedia:Saint Valentinechr(27)s Day massacre|The St. Valentine's Day Mass...]][[Epic Fail|ive failure!"]]
*  During the big fight in the parlor:
{{quote|'''Mike''': Uh oh, guys. I...I just had a horrible thought, and I need to share it...
'''Bill''': Aw, you really need to, strictly--
'''Mike''': ''Here it is''...I thought that it'd be nice to see [[Harry Potter (film)|a long Quidditch scene]] right now...''(Kevin gasps)''...or even, god help me, some [[The Phantom Menace|pod-racing]]! ''(dissolves into anguished laughter)''<br />
'''Bill''': There, there, Mike...<br />
'''Kevin''': It's okay, buddy.<br />
'''Bill''': Damn it, ''Matrix: Reloaded''! See what you've done to Mike?! }}
**  Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' Huh. My thorazine's kicking in- do things seem slow to you right now?
'''Bill:''' Nnnnnoootttt aaaat aaaaaaaall, Keeeeeeviiiiiiiin. }}
*  During the highway chase scene:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': Ah~ a little car crash porn!
'''Mike''': [[David Cronenberg]] needed a cold shower after this scene. }}
**  Later:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': Just when David Cronenberg was lighting up a cigarette, relaxing, this starts him up all over again!}}
***  And later still:
{{quote|'''Mike''': ''(chuckling)'' David Cronenberg will have to check into a hospital tonight; he's no spring chicken anymore!
'''Kevin''': You mean in terms of his stamina for [[Refuge in Audacity|masturbating repeatedly at slow footage of car crashes]]? Just to clarify?<br />
'''Mike''': ...I didn't think we needed to be so on-the-nose about it there, Kevin, but, uh...[[Sure, Let's Go with That|yeah, okay]]. }}
*  "[[Laurence Fishburne]] fires his agent!"
**  Along the same lines:
{{quote|(a guy in a car gets hurt, who looks like...) "Will Ferrell!"
(next glimpse of the man shows he's an agent now) "Will Ferrell's agent!" }}
* ''(sung to the tune of the [[Superman]] theme)'' "It's [[Keanu Reeves]], he's going so fast~! It's [[Keanu Reeves]], he's trailing some garbage~! It's Keanu, flying Keanu, going to save the hot chick and then smoke up a bowl~!"
*  "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, serious, people; I think the machines started it!"
*  "Hey, you in the back, this is an ''anti-''machine rally, quit doing the robot!"
* (Random black man jumps towards to screen) HI MOM!
*  During Neo and Trinity's [[Fan Disservice|sex scene]]: (sing-songy) "Neo likes Trinity, Neo likes Trinity!"
*  Pretty much every reaction to [[Mister Exposition|the Architect's]] long-winded [[Info Dump|speech]]:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': [[Meaningless Meaningful Words|Words wordswordswords words…words words words]].<br />
'''Mike''': (whenever Neo asks a question) No, don't ask! Oh god, he's gonna go on for like ten minutes…''No, don't encourage him!''<br />
'''Bill''': Well good, we're done, can we– (He starts talking again) ''Gah!'' The guy's like a [[Polly Wants a Microphone|parrot in a cracker factory.]]<br />
'''Kevin''': That's right, folks, the '''''ACTION FLICK OF THE SUMMER!'''''<br />
'''Kevin''': The instruction manual for my snow blower is ''gripping'' compared to this clown!<br />
'''Mike''': Oh look, [[Shut UP, Hannibal|bite my nuggets, Colonel Sanders]].<br />
'''Kevin''': Look, Jack Perkins, could you sum up, my car's doubled-parked!<br />
'''Kevin''': Our priority, the next film will be two solid hours of fighting robots.<br />
'''Bill''': ''OH DEAR GOD, get off the screen!''<br />
'''Kevin''': [[Running Gag|Words words wordswordswords words words]]. }}

==== The Matrix Revolutions ====
*  Lets get ready to '''''[[Retcon|RETCOOOONNN!!!]]'''''
* During Smith's [[Villainous Breakdown]]:
{{quote|'''Bill''': He's having a total eclipse of the heart!}}
**  And then during his death:
{{quote|'''All''': ''(as the Smith clones are staring to explode, in unison)'': [[Brick Joke|Turn aroouunnnnd, briiiiiiight eyyeess]]...}}
*  Comenting on [[Ominous Latin Chanting|the]] [[Crowning Music of Awesome|music]] during the final battle:
{{quote|'''Bill''': I like to play this soundtrack when I mow the lawn, makes me mow the ''hell'' out the the lawn! Sometimes the lawn actually bursts into flames...}}
*  "Lizard people... somehow responsible... must warn David Icke!"
*  "Remember guys, these movies are ''philosophical." ''
{{quote|"Yes, I actually do find myself drifting to thoughts of Socrates...[[Genius Bonus|IN that I want to drink hemlock and die.]]"}}
*  Counts as both a [[Genius Bonus]] and a [[Take That]] against a bit part played by Cornell West:
{{quote|'''West''': We can't treat this as a hopeless cause.
'''Mike''': Hey, the guy who voted for Ralph Nader has no right to talk about hopelessness. }}
*  During Trinity's death scene:
{{quote|Ow, ow, ''ow, OW!''
Ow, you're leaning on the poles that skewered my liver, OW!
My god you have driven that one pole DEEPER IN MY LEFT VENTRICLE AND IT HURTS ABOUT FIVE TIMES AS MUCH!
Apparently you didn't have the pleasure of KNEELING ON A POLE STICKING OUT OF MY ''LUNGS,'' AND YOU JUST HAD TO TRY, OW OW OW OH GOD OW OW!!
And yet you still have your elbow PUSHING AGAINST THE ''THING'' THAT TORE MY SPINE OUT, AM I NOT BEING ''CLEAR?!''
It had nothing to do with you SITTING DIRECTLY ON MY SHATTERED PELVIS LIKE YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!!! }}

===  Spider-Man ===
==== Spider-Man 2 ====
*  "Whooo! Yay ledge!"
*  "And her entire skeletal system was pulverized."
*  "BOOOOOONESAW IS READY! To be left out of this picture, and feel really depressed about it. Seriously, BONESAW was seeing a therapist for a while. But now, BONESAW IS REAAADY... to get on with his life." (After he appears in the retelling of the first film during the opening credits.)
*  Introducing the robotic arms.
{{quote|'''Reporter''': But Dr. Octavius, if the artificial intelligence of these arms is as advanced as you suggest, wouldn't that leave you vulnerable to them?
'''Octavius''': How right you are.
'''Bill''': KILL HER, ARMS! }}
* [[Bruce Campbell]]'s cameo
{{quote|'''Bruce:''' "And you might want to..."
'''Mike:''' "...Be as awesome as me." }}
*  When an image of Norman Osborn appears in the mirror.
{{quote|'''Harry''': "Dad, I thought you're..."
'''Willem Dafoe''': "I'm in art film hell." }}

==== Spider-Man 3 ====
* During Harry and Peter's climactic fight:
{{quote|'''Harry''': I protected you in high school. Now I'm gonna kick your ass!
'''Peter''': Ooh!
'''Bill''': The five-minute follow up of them shouting "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" was wisely cut for time.  }}
* During the first Peter and Harry fight scene:
{{quote|'''Harry''': You knew this was coming, Pete!
'''Kevin''': I sent you an email about it! }}
* When Peter is trying to resuscitate the unconscious Harry:
{{quote|'''Peter''': HARRY!
'''Kevin''': I need you for the third act! Live, dammit, live!  }}
* A wonderful bit of [[Crosses the Line Twice]] humor after Peter gets the symbiote suit:
{{quote|'''Bill''': He can jump really high and he now "gets" Tyler Perry.}}
* After Black Suit Spidey breaks Eddie's camera:
{{quote|'''Eddie''': What the ''hell?!''
'''Kevin''': The pictures of my cat on an invisible bike!  }}

===  Star Trek ===
==== Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan ====
* When Khan lifts Chekhov by his spacesuit
{{quote|'''Mike:''' Chekhov, now with E-Z-Grip handle!}}
*  On the rendering of the Genesis Effect
{{quote|'''Mike:''' This is like we took the game [[Sim Earth]], and remove anything fun and interesting from it. In other words, exactly like [[Sim Earth]].
'''Kevin:''' Rifftrax! Some two-decade-old computer games have it coming! }}

==== Star Trek: Generations ====
* "Onscreen." (A group of Klingons appear) "Aah! Offscreen! Offscreen!"
* Then there's that priceless moment when Bill asks about the female Klingons "Do you think we're seeing the only hairless part of their breasts?" and Mike can't help but scream.
{{quote|'''Picard:''' Warp One, engage!
'''Kevin:''' Go that way! }}
* [[The Wizard of Oz (film)|"Romulan, Breen, and Klingon!" "Oh my!"]]
* "Doctor... Sauron..." "[[The Lord of the Rings|The Dark Lord?]]" "...Doctor Tarien Sauron..." "Oh, ''Doctor'' The Dark Lord."
* The scene opens on an 18th century frigate with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wearing period appropriate naval uniforms.
{{quote|'''Kevin Murphy:''' Okay, I might be jumping the gun here but this may be the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.
'''Mike Nelson:''' Hm, you know what, that's easy enough to figure out, let me just get out my tricorder here, punch in a few settings, "beep", "beep, beep, beep", adjust for fluxating magnetic fields, "beep", "beep, beep", take a residual stupidity reading, "nee-re-re-re-re-re-re", Kevin I'm getting very high readings indeed, sir!
'''Kevin Murphy:''' There must be emanations of asininity fouling your readings. Let me take my own, "click, click, buzz, whir, click". Yes, our data sets correspond, "click".
'''Mike Nelson:''' Well, okay. There you have it: scientific proof that this is the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.
'''Kevin Murphy:''' Click, buzz, whir.
'''Mike Nelson:''' Nee-re-re-re-re-re-re. }}
* Interestingly, during Picard's tearful anguish over Renee and Robert's death, the crew become more or less silent and allow the scene to play through without mockery.
** Which could be considered a [[Crowning Moment of Awesome]] for Patrick Stewart.

==== Star Trek (2009) ====
*  "No one's gone here before! Permission to boldly go?"
*  "And now: the haunting, lyrical, kind of Samuel Barber-ish 'Husband Killing' theme."
*  "The Kelvin is also known as the USS [[Red Shirt]]."
*  (Pretending to be baby Kirk:) "[[William Shatner|Wah... wahwah. Goo... googahgah.]]"
* This exchange:
{{quote|'''Sarek:''' (to young Spock) Emotions run deep within our race.
'''Bill:''' No, they don't— GO TO HELL, Dad!  }}
*  About the Romulans:
{{quote|'''Bill''': There's a Blue Man Group missing a couple of drummers!}}
*  During Kirk's academic cheating trial:
{{quote|'''Kirk (to Spock)''': Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to.
'''Mike''': Why did ''[[Heroes (TV series)|Heroes]]'' suck so bad after Season 1? }}
*  As the [[Soundtrack Dissonance|inappropriate funk music]] kicks in at the end of Spock's refusal of the Vulcan Science Academy:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': Funky Spock! Funky Spock! Gimme some of that funky Spock! Uh!}}
*  At the abrupt end of Kirk's trial:
{{quote|'''Starfleet Academy Headmaster''': I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger 1 immediately. Dismissed.
'''Mike''': ...Oh, and Kirk, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Bye! }}
*  "[[The Incredible Hulk|She-Hulk]] is pleased!"
*  On the bridge, where we meet...
{{quote|'''Sulu (played by John Cho):''' I'm Hikaru Sulu.
'''Mike (as George Takei):''' No, you're not. }}
*  "AH!!!! We went to Detroit by accident!!!"
*  "Has anyone seen my hamster?"
*  When Nero introduces himself to the ''Enterprise'':
{{quote|'''Nero''': Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero.
'''Everyone (in AA-meeting-style voices)''': "Hi, Nero." }}
*  On the drill landing scene:
{{quote|'''Mike''': So if I understand their plan correctly, it was: "Fall out of ship."
'''Kevin''': I think you gave it a lot more thought than they did. }}
*  "Tell my bald wife and bald kids how bald I think they are!"
*  After {{spoiler|planet Vulcan is destroyed}}
{{quote|'''McCoy''': Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!
'''Bill''': No-no, more phlegm; let's hear those giant throat nodes and smoker's hack!
'''Kevin''': ''('''extremely''' gravelly)'' Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a human grizzly bear!
'''Bill''': There you go! }}
*  When Kirk gets ejected onto the ice-planet in an escape pod:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': Kirk is ejected along with a dog-eared copy of ''[[Twilight (novel)|Twilight]]''.<br />
'''Mike''': Ah, they packed him [[Take That|toilet paper]]--that was thoughtful. }}
*  "What the hell? Is that a [[Star Wars|tauntaun]]?! You guys marooned me in the wrong franchise, you idiots!"
*  (in regards to the first appearance of {{spoiler|Spock!Prime}}) "[[Money, Dear Boy|Alright, let's get this over with...Vulcan sign; 'Live Long and Prosper'; where's my check?]]"
*  "It nice seeing the Creature from the Black Lagoon getting work again."
*  When Kirk and {{spoiler|Spock!Prime}} meet Scotty:
{{quote|'''Scotty''': I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel.
'''Bill''': Meaning "I slept with his wife."
* A little later*
'''Scotty''': Are you from the future?
'''Kevin''': Yes, but we pronounce it: '''{{smallcaps|"THE FUTURE!!!"}}''' }}
*  "Nobody knows when it's appropriate to do impressions of Spock roaring."
*  As Scotty dries the insides of his ears, one of the trio makes a little squeaky sound.
*  When Kirk sees {{spoiler|Spock and Uhura making out}}:
{{quote|'''Bill (as Kirk)''': I'm not sure which one I'm jealous of.}}
*  Their faces don't look like OUR faces! SHOOT THEM!
*  When the drill attacks San Francisco:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': It's the vengeful laser-ghost of Harvey [[Milk]]!}}
*  "Well, I guess it's time to summon [[Star Wars|Lord Vader]]."
*  "[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles|Master Splinter?...Raphael?]]...anybody?"
*  "How many people are gonna choke me (Kirk) today?"
*  "[[Boy Band|Backstreet's]] [[Shout-Out|back, alright!]]"
*  "Only one brave sperm penetrates the egg's outer wall. Brave little sperm!"
*  When victory is achieved:
{{quote|'''Mike (as Spock)''': Nice.
'''Kevin (as Kirk)''': Nice.
'''Bill (as Sulu)''': Nice.
'''Mike (as Chekov)''': Neee-YIIIIIce. }}
*  At the end:
{{quote|'''Kirk''': Scotty, how we doin'?
'''Mike (as Scotty)''': Still Scottish and whimsical, sir! }}
*  "Scotty and his wife have a weird relationship."

=== [[Star Wars]] ===
==== Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace ====
* The opening with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan:
{{quote|'''Qui-Gon:''' Be mindful of the living Force, young padawan.
'''Obi-Wan:''' Yes, master.
'''Mike:''' But the screenplay! I sense disaster! }}
* Any and all riffs pertaining to Jar Jar, but particularly when just resort to cursing him:
{{quote|'''Jar Jar:''' We've no nuttin' moola to trade (or something stupid like that).
'''Mike:''' Look, GO TO HELL. }}
** And this one:
{{quote|'''Jar Jar:''' WEESA GOIN HOOOOOOME!
'''Kevin:''' Oh, do so COMPLETELY shut up. }}
** Kevin actually [[Nausea Fuel|vomits for five minutes]] while Jar-Jar talks.
** One scene has an unfortunate angle of Jar-Jar as well, as Jar Jar swims away from the camera for a few minutes.
{{quote|'''Mike:''' Ah, thank you for giving us an unhindered look at the business end of America's most loathed character. }}
** And this surprisingly classy discussion of just ''how'' Jar-Jar annoys people:
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' See, my opinion, the Jar-Jar thing isn't so inherently racist as it is more broadly offensive.
'''Mike:''' Really?
'''Kevin:''' Yeah, he's more annoying in a metaphysical sense.
'''Mike:''' I see, so, he bugs your ''soul''?
'''Kevin:''' Actually, yes. }}
* This exchange:
{{quote|'''Yoda:''' Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.
'''Mike:''' Um, Yoda, load of crap biggest ever heard I is that. }}
** Also "Hey, Yoda, up the hell shut!"
* Mike's reaction to Captain Panaka's rapid [[Info Dump]]:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' Wh-who's everyone? Resistance to what? Leaders of what? What's the Federation? What the HELL is going on!?}}
* This exchange:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' Remember when [[Macbeth]] said that life was a tale told by an idiot? I actually think he meant to say ''Star Wars Episode One'' is a tale told by an idiot.
'''Kevin:''' Must've been a misprint in [[William Shakespeare|the First Folio edition.]] }}
* [''as a battle droid''] "{{smallcaps|[[Patton|Rommel, you magnificent son of a bitch, I read your book.]]}}"
* The [[Running Gag]] of Kevin mispronouncing the names of both Padme and Naboo. This eventually turns into a game of coming up with [[Star Wars]] names more horrible than the real ones, which they end up accomplishing in the middle of the climax.
* "Every fanboy's dream: take [[Natalie Portman]] to their room and show her their robot."
* On C-3PO meeting R2-D2:
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' And so begins Hollywood's most enduring gay couple.}}
* On Jar Jar stealing food with his tongue.
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' [[If You Know What I Mean|Stop tonguing my fruit!]]}}

==== Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones ====
* This exchange:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' R-4 is the Windows ME of the Astromech droids.
'''Kevin:''' Form a nerdier sentence! No, don't try! You can't! }}
* This scene in the [[Greasy Spoon]] with the slovenly cook Dex:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': Mike, I invite you to think about that lizard guy's underpants.
'''Mike''': OH! ''(dry-heaving)'' OH! ''(gagging)'' [[Brain Bleach|WHY, Kevin?!]]<br />
'''Kevin''': Hey, it took your mind off this whole thing for a minute, didn't it?<br />
'''Mike''': You're right. Why, thank you, Kevin! Ah, That guy's underpants... }}
* When Anakin kisses Padme:
{{quote|'''[[Chad Vader]]:''' Ah, he's using the Jedi Tongue Technique. His training is now complete.}}
* As C3PO and R2D2 watch their marriage.
{{quote|'''Mike (as C3PO):''' Someday that will be you and me, R2, as soon as they get rid of that silly law.}}
* After one of the "wittier" lines:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' The dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding!}}
* This exchange:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' Uh, do we have any idea who's fighting who?
'''Kevin:''' Yes, the director is fighting the audience, and the audience is fighting back.
'''Mike:''' Ah. And who's winning?
'''Chad Vader:''' Twentieth Century Fox. }}
* After Anakin finds his dead mother:
{{quote|'''Yoda''': Anakin is in pain...''terrible'' pain...
'''Mike''': Hey, what about us, Muppet boy?!
''([[Wipe Cut]] away)''
'''Mike''': Hey, don't you wipe cut when I'm talking to you! }}
* Taking Padme's "I love the water" and turning it into a [[Running Gag]]. Example:
{{quote|'''Padme:''' I love you.
'''Mike:''' Not as much as the water. }}
* When Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': Nuclear silly-string!}}
** Later...
{{quote|'''[[Chad Vader]]''': I'm a master of the lightsaber and even ''I'm'' bored. Let's get it on, people!}}
* The scene where they gush about Padme's bedroom. A description simply cannot do it justice.
* Kevin's opinion of the [[Romantic Plot Tumor]]:
{{quote|(Shot of the Clone Army)
'''Kevin:''' Have you ever seen something more of an affront to ''all that is holy?!?''
([[Wipe Cut]] to Anakin and Padme having a picnic in a field.)
'''Kevin:''' Except, you know, the last time we saw these two. }}
* And of course from this point forward through the remaining 4 movies (and Holiday Special), the [[Running Gag]] about how much Anakin/Vader hates sand.
* After a scene featuring much whining from Anakin (I forget which one)
{{quote|'''[[Chad Vader]]''': My brother was a puss.}}

==== Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith ====
* ''[During the scrolling letters]''
{{quote|'''Bill:''' Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Cameltoeians. How's that?
'''Mike:''' I think you've got the hang of this whole Lucas thing. [[No Indoor Voice|Here, have TWENTY BILLION DOLLARS!]]<br />
'''Bill:''' Oh, much obliged. }}
* Kevin finally cracks during the space pod battle:
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' Oh. Oh no. Tell me this movie won’t have Podracing will it. ‘Cause, ‘cause if so, Mike, I’ll pay yah good money to let me out of here now. I will sign the deed to my house over to you!
'''Mike:''' Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of Jar Jar Binks doing funny stuff.
'''Kevin:''' ''(screams)'' [[Anything But That|No, no! Mike, please! Let me out! Seriously. I will kill all your enemies. Please!]]<br />
'''Mike:''' Here, breath into this paper bag. }}
* Continuing the gag of not caring about the battle scenes:
{{quote|'''Bill:''' ''[during the opening Battle of Coruscant]'' Bad thing: I don't know who is fighting who, where, about what. Good thing: I don't care!}}
* This particular exchange after one of Yoda's, um... yeah:
{{quote|'''Yoda''': I hope right you are.
'''Michael J. Nelson''' [as Yoda]: Or predicate will I put again before subject [[Cloudcuckoolander|and gibberish shall I spout]].<br />
'''Kevin Murphy''': True that is, Mike. An idiot sounds he like.<br />
'''Bill Corbett''': And yet by many sci-fi geeks beloved he is, though Muppet he is also, and tiring his use of anastrophe is.<br />
'''Michael J. Nelson''': Also true that is. Annoying it very is. Off it pisses me. }}
* This exchange:
{{quote|'''Mace Windu:''' I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi
'''Mike:''' That's funny; we can't sense ANY plot whatsoever! }}
* This exchange:
{{quote|'''Anakin:''' From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!
'''Bill:''' From my point of view, a monkey wrote this script with his PENIS! }}
* As [[Samuel L. Jackson|Mace Windu:]]
{{quote|'''Bill:''' I have had it with these [[Snakes on a Plane|motherf**kin Sith on this motherf**kin planet!]]}}
* Any and all jabs at Hayden Christiansen's talent...or rather, lack thereof.
{{quote|Bland?}}
* On Anakin's transformation into [[James Earl Jones]]:
{{quote|'''Bill:''' He can't do it all at once, or it'll kill him! He's gotta work his way up the manly scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett--
'''Mike:''' --then Scott Stapp, David Duchovny, Wesley Snipes, Russell Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell, and THEN James Earl Jones. }}
* This exchange:
{{quote|'''Palpatine:''' NO...no, no YOU WILL DIE!
'''Bill:''' NO! [[Of Mice and Men|I don't wanna go to tha big place!]] }}
* On Palpatine's last line following Anakin's becoming of a Sith lord:
{{quote|'''Palpatine:''' ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RUUUUUULE THE GALAXY... ''(voice lowering with each word)'' ...aaand...weee...shall have...peeeeeeeeeeaaaace.
'''Riffers:''' (clapping) Oh lovely, marvelous, Darth Actor, ladies and gentlemen, Darth Actor. }}
* Upon the reveal of Darth Vader via mechanical moving table:
{{quote|'''Bill:''' If this slowly rotates him facedown into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it.}}
* As the Empire watches the Death Star under construction:
{{quote|'''Kevin Murphy:''' ''(as Tarkin)'' Yeah, so Darth, a couple of weeks we'll start building it, then we can take that decal off the wall of the window. Until then, looks cool, eh?
'''Bill:''' ''(as Vader)'' So, where are the ladies on this ship?
'''Mike:''' ''(as Palpatine)'' [[Ho Yay|Ah, my son. You have much to learn about the Dark Side.]]<br />
'''Bill:''' ''(as Vader)'' [[Big No|NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!]]<br />
'''Kevin:''' Ah, you see, Bill? That one seems kind of warranted. }}
* When the Wookies are preparing to charge:
{{quote|[[Punctuated! For! Emphasis!|THIS! IS! THE TEDDY BEAR PICNIC!]]}}
* Any and all Palpatine Old Man jokes.
{{quote|I want a muffin.}}
* The [[Running Gag]] about R2 being a droid serial killer.
* This:
{{quote|'''Padme:''' Ani...I'm pregnant.
'''Bill:''' I'm pretty sure it's Watto's. I can feel its wings moving around. }}
* "I believe I have the right to know if you are ''pants-crapping insane!"''
* The [[I Am Very British]] persona they give Obi-Wan.
* Mike decides to take advantage of the Palpatine/Mace Windu fight and uses the time to share a (surprisingly detailed) recipe for dip with his friends and the listeners. Made funnier by Bill and Kevin trying to listen to him and pay attention to the film at the same time.
{{quote|'''Bill:''' ...Uh, Samuel has the guy ''pinned down now,'' Mike.}}

==== Star Wars IV: A New Hope ====
*  "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, [[George Lucas|a film maker]] said, 'I WILL create a character named Kit Fisto!'"
*  "Door. Guys. Door! Guys! DOOR! GU-ah, crap."
*  "Good guys are dropping left and right, the Stormtroopers have no idea how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened to them before!"
*  "It's the Council of Lousy Haircuts!"
*  "....when did we let an American in?"
*  "Can't we have just ''one'' nice meal together?"
*  "My pants are plastic/My helmet's tight/My balls are swinging left to right!"
**  "Chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe..."
*  [[Doctor Who|"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"]]
*  One of [[Gallows Humor|the most callous and hilarious one-liners]] in the entire series riff:
{{quote|'''C-3PO''': I'm C-3P0, human cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2.
'''Luke''': Hello.
'''Kevin''': ''(as R2D2)'' I stood next to your mother as she ''died''. }}
**  Bill's reaction, a dark little chuckle and an understated "Utini" makes it the funniest thing to ever happen.
* Absolutely [[Ensemble Darkhorse|EVERYTHING]] regarding the unfortunately named Porkins.

==== Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back ====
*  "Oh, man. Oh, Luke, you okay? I was out cold there for a few minutes, I got this broken nose, blood everywhere, really embarrassing. Hey, my seatbelt's a little stuck, can you, uh, help me with it? Uh, Luke, where the hell are you going? This isn't funny, man. Don't take my wallet, you piker! When I get out of here I swear to God I'm gonna OHGAAAAA!"
* On the probe droid on Hoth:
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' Look out, it's a probe droid. [[Anal Probing|Don't let it see your]] '''''[[Anal Probing|ass]]'''''!}}
* When Chewie giggles at Leia's jibe at Han.
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' ''(as Chewie)'' Pwned!
'''Han:''' Laugh it up, fuzzball.
'''Kevin:''' ''(as Chewie)'' Don't mind if I do, skin tube! }}
* After Leia kisses Luke:
{{quote|'''Bill:''' ''(as Leia)'' Now, if you don't mind, I have to go make out with my Dad.}}
*  "A KLANSMAN!"
*  "Hm. Tripping balls I am, right now!"
*  "Lando?" [[Running Gag|"Cerebro?" "Magneto!"]]
*  "Down boy, quit humping my leg!"
*  "Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass."

==== Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi ====
* Pretty much anything relating to the Ewok/Stormtrooper battle:
**  "[[The Hurt Locker]] as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
**  "Today's the day the teddy bears have their ''murder''!"
**  "Remember: these are the Empire's ''best'' troops."
**  "My God, they're eating them."
**  "It's like a scene from '[[Harry and the Hendersons]]: Harry Goes to Iraq.'"
* '''Imperial Officer:''' You rebel scum.
{{quote|'''Bill:''' You Imperial slut!}}
* ''[Watching the rebels being massacred outside the Death Star]''
{{quote|'''Emperor:''' The Alliance will die. As will your friends.
'''Mike:''' [[Harry Potter|Ron, Hermione,]] [[The Lord of the Rings|Merry, Pippin,]] [[Transformers|Bumblebee,]] all of them! }}
* "And now they're visited by Porkins the White."
* "It's a trap!" "This is no time to quote tired Internet memes, sir!"
* "Fifty thousand, no less." "What, do I look like I'm made of money?" "No, you look like you're made of expired Crisco!" "WHO SAID THAT?!"
* On the famous Leia gold bikini:
{{quote|"There it is, the outfit that singlehandedly makes Comic Con bearable."
"And occasionally much, much worse."
[[Cross Playing|"You saw that guy too, huh?"]] }}

==== The Star Wars Holiday Special ====
* During the intro:
{{quote|'''Announcer:''' Introducing Chewbacca's family!
'''Mike:''' [[Nightmare Fuel|And many a scream yourself awake nightmare!]] }}
* When Malla contacts Luke Skywalker:
{{quote|'''Luke:''' Oh, look, R2, it's Chewbacca's family.
'''Mike:''' What I meant to say is, "'''''RUN''''', it's Chewbacca's family!" }}
* During the scene where Lumpy watches a [[Buffy-Speak|holographic circus thing]] with obnoxious music in the background, every riff is a [[Crowning Moment of Funny]]:
{{quote|''(Mike, Bill and Kevin all scream in terror when the first acrobat appears.)''
'''Bill:''' Well, it was inevitable. [[Brain Bleach|Someday I knew the moment would come when I had to gouge my own eyes out.]] This is it!<br />
'''Mike:''' No! Bill, stay your hand! There'll be plenty of ''other'' moments coming up. Be a shame to let ''those'' go to waste.<br />
'''Bill:''' Good point.<br />
(Mike laughs in amazement at the acrobats.)<br />
'''Bill:''' ''(sarcastic)'' Wookies ''love'' this. <br />
'''Kevin:''' Like his single leather boot there. ''(pause)'' This is the very same scene that is playing on a ''constant'' loop in Ryan Seacrest's brain. ''([[Beat]])'' Explains the smile, y'know.<br />
''(The lead acrobat vanishes and reappears life size next to Lumpy playing some [[Dr. Seuss]]-like trumpet.)''<br />
'''Mike:''' Elton John would give ''everything he owned'' if this were only a real device. <br />
''(The acrobats swing into full steam on the table.)''<br />
'''Bill:''' Even Rip Taylor thinks this goes way overboard on the camp.<br />
'''Kevin:''' Oh, no, are we going to find out why they call him "Lumpy"?<br />
'''Bill:''' [[Sanity Slippage|Music to go]] ''[[Sanity Slippage|mad]]'' [[Sanity Slippage|by!]]<br />
'''Mike:''' ''(on the lead acrobat)'' I'd ''love'' to have been there the day this guy told the all other Keebler Elves what he ''really'' wanted to do with his life.<br />
'''Bill:''' "No, seriously?!"... ''(a few seconds pass)'' Circe du Suck... oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill me, because I really don't think I could take another second of this, guys.<br />
'''Kevin:''' If I watch any more of this, am I gonna get a letter in the mail informing me that I'm now legally gay?<br />
'''Bill:''' ...''yes.''<br />
'''Mike:''' You know, it might be a funny joke if you played this music if you knew someone was going to ask for your hand in marriage. "Rebecca, my dearest love, would you WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE WEEDEE WEEDEE-wee-wow!"<br />
'''Bill:''' [[Captain Obvious|Kinda kill the moment.]] ''(a few seconds pass)'' I hate to say it, 'cause I know this is on the up-and-up, but... it all seems kinda weird.<br />
'''Kevin:''' Ah! Ah, good, the bright fuschia fish acrobats are here! It wouldn't be a Life Day without 'em!<br />
'''Bill:''' No sirree. <br />
'''Mike:''' ''(exasperated by the lead acrobat)'' Look, would you and Bryce please move to Palm Springs, buy matching Speedos and get jobs in retail and just ''leave us alone?!'' <br />
'''Bill:''' ''(noticing Lumpy's avid grin)'' There's murder in his eyes! I like where this is headed!<br />
'''Kevin:''' ''(as the lead acrobat)'' And that was the introduction, folks! Now let's get on with the show!<br />
'''Mike:''' ''(as Malla)'' Would you turn off that stupid video game?!<br />
'''Bill:''' ''(as Lumpy)'' It's not a video game, Mom. It's a video game ''system''! }}
* During the first scene with Chewbacca's family, Bill gets the most obvious joke out of the way:
{{quote|'''Bill:''' Well, terrifying thought, but I'm charging ahead with it anyway: If you're a [[Furry Fandom|furry]], and you're watching this right now. are you turned on?<br />
'''Kevin:''' ([[Brain Bleach|horrified]]) Ohh! Can I be excused to have a good cry?<br />
'''Mike:''' Stay ''right'' where you are, Murphy! }}
* While watching the...ahem, "cooking show":
{{quote|'''Mike''': You know, sure, this makes me wanna drive a masonry chisel into my kneecap, but on the bright side, [[Take That|at least it's not Rachael Ray]].}}
** And later:
{{quote|'''Mike''': Uh, you sure this aired during the ''family'' hour? Far more stirring and whipping than the FCC likes to see before ten...}}
* When Stormtroopers show up at the Wookiees' home:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' (as Itchy) Don't worry, son, [[Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy|they can't shoot straight, and they're easy to kill!]]}}
* Mike [[Mondegreen|misinterprets the lyrics]] to Jefferson Starship's song:
{{quote|'''Jefferson Starship:''' ''Will you light the sky on fire?''
'''Mike:''' Will I light this guy on fire? No, sir, I will not! }}
** Bill insisting that Mike light the sky and/or that guy on fire already, in order to shut the band up.
** Turns into a [[Brick Joke]] during the Wookiee gathering near the end.
{{quote|'''Bill:''' This is it, Mike! They're finally ready to light this guy on fire!}}
* This exchange:
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' So after this aired, the deep shame and mockery from the ordeal forced [[George Lucas]] underground and his creation ''[[Star Wars]]'' was never heard from again, right?
'''Mike:''' Uh, actually, it went on to shatter records for money made (''breaking sound is heard''), and it has more devotees than many major religions.
'''Bill:''' Ooh, Mike, that inconsistency caused a logical [[Our Wormholes Are Different|wormhole]] that broke Kevin's mic! }}
* During one commercial bumper:
{{quote|'''Announcer:''' The Star Wars Holiday Special will continue in a moment!
'''Bill:''' Despite the growing number of protesters outside our office! }}
* This little addition to Princess Leia's song:
{{quote|'''Leia:''' ''That one day we'll be free…''
'''Mike:''' (as Leia) "To [[The Empire Strikes Back|mouth-kiss]] [[Brother-Sister Incest|our siblings]] with impunity!" }}
* During the obligatory commercial for Star Wars toys:
{{quote|'''C-3PO:''' ''Star Wars'' - you and your children loved it!
'''Bill:''' Then tonight happened. }}
* When Ackmina is trying to get her customers to leave.
{{quote|'''Ackmina:''' Aren't you listening to what I'm saying? The Empire has SHUT US DOWN! You've got to GO now!
'''Bill:''' '''[[The Golden Girls|THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!]]''' }}
* During a CBS newsbreak:
{{quote|'''Bill:''' This just in: Christmas has been cancelled due to sadness caused by The Star Wars Holiday Special.}}
* Mike: "[[All Your Base Are Belong to Us|All your base are belong to Lumpy.]]"
* After Mala first expresses concern for her husband's safety:
{{quote|'''Bill:''' (as Itchy) There, there. If he's dead, we can still celebrate Life Day. We'll just call it ''Death'' Day! And instead of eating turkey and opening presents, we can bury his body before it rots.}}
* When the first commercial appears.
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' ''(on seeing Willie Rawles, GE employee)'' ...Wuh-wait? Is that Darth out of uniform?}}
* The Fruit of the Loom commercial:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' ''(as lady)'' What the hell are you, ''tobacco''?!}}

===  Transformers ===
==== Transformers (2007) ====
*  When the [[Fan Nickname|Popeye robot]] is after Sam:
{{quote|'''Sam''': He's gonna kill me!
The robot pulls his pants down
'''Kevin''': [[Black Comedy Rape|I think he has something else in mind..]] }}
*  When the Sector 7 cars pull up outside the Witwicky residence and [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivfvoqBiG04 the various agents pile out]...
{{quote|'''Kevin''': [[The Matrix|Mr. Anderson]]...<br />
'''Bill''': ...Mr. Anderson...<br />
'''Mike''': ...'''MR.''' Anderson...<br />
'''Bill''': ...Mr. ''Anderson''...<br />
'''Kevin''': ...MIS-TER Anderson... }}
*  When the various character groups meet up at the Hoover Dam:
{{quote|'''Tom Banachek''': Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here.
'''Mike''': If we really put our minds to it, people could die here. }}
*  The Decepticon role call turned into something out of Thomas the Tank Engine.

==== Revenge of the Fallen ====
* The first thing out of 'Sam's mouth after meeting the Primes and returning to life:
{{quote|"God is a bunch of robots!"}}
* Bumblebee's reaction upon seeing Sam apparently die.
{{quote|"I'm free! I'm finally free!"}}
* '''Bill''' General Motors would like to remind its many former employees not to think about how much all the product placement cost.
* On the appearance of [[The Scrappy|the twins]].
{{quote|'''Mike''': Oh good; twin mechanical Jar Jars.
'''Mudflap''': That hurt, man.
'''Skids''': It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kickin'.
'''Mike''': I believe that was actually the movie poster tagline for Transformers 2. }}
* When a poster for ''Bad Boys II'' appears on screen.
{{quote|'''Bill''': The movie Transformers 2 would like to take this moment to remind you Michael Bay sucked 14 years ago too. We now return you to your noisy mayhem.}}
* During the opening:
{{quote|'''Optimus Prime''': ...a species much like our own: capable of great compassion...
'''Bill''': Hey take that back [[Hypocritical Humor|or I'll kill you!]] }}
* ''Everybody Shea!''
** Wawawawabubububububbababababababa!
** Nonononononon!

==== Dark of the Moon ====
* Mike's gotten the hang of naming Transformers.
{{quote|'''Mike''': "Arise, Decepticons! [[Luke Nounverber|Starchunk]]! [[Toilet Humor|Thunderbucket]]! [[Dope Slap|Slaptimus]]! [[Alien|Bughunt]]! [[Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot|Snaketocopter]]! And [[What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?|Mortimer W. Clankitybritches!]]"}}

===  The Twilight Saga ===
==== Twilight ====
*  Right off the bat, they start arguing about vampire [[Perfectly Cromulent Word|sparkliness]]:
{{quote|'''Mike''': Thank you, and welcome once again to ''[[Riff Trax]]'', where I am joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy.
'''Bill''': Thank you, Mike. And may I say how happy I am that our movie, ''[[Twilight (novel)|Twilight]]'', is finally telling the world something I've been saying for years: that vampires are sparkly! Ho-ho-ho, the world laughed at me and my quoteunquote "crazy ideas about vampire sparkliness", but maybe now that the truth is out, I'll get an apology! ''Kevin''.<br />
'''Kevin''': I-I-I never denied their ''sparkliness'', ''Bill'', we just happen to disagree ''very'', ''very'' strongly about whether that sparkliness is a full-body sparkliness, huh? Is it sparkly between their toes? Sparkly on the bottom of their feet? Are their ''inner thighs'' sparkly? [[Serious Business|These are important questions, and I don't think Twilight has settled them]].<br />
'''Bill''': Oh, you had to bring up the sparkly thigh thing, didn't you? When you know that it all hinges on the buttcheeks! Frankly, sir, your views on this are well outside the norm in the vampire sparkliness research community.<br />
'''Kevin''': ''(gasps)'' How ''dare'' you, sir?! <br />
'''Bill''': I dare!<br />
'''Kevin''': My contributions to the vampire buttcheeks sparkliness research are ''renowned'', and I'll not have your slander, shame on you, sir!<br />
'''Bill''': No, shame on ''you''!<br />
'''Kevin''': No, shame on-!<br />
'''Mike''': Okay, o-okay, okay. }}
*  Just before the opening credits:
{{quote|'''Bella''': And...this will be a good thing...
'''Mike''': ...like Hot Topic!
'''Bella''': ...I think.
'''Mike''': But what do I know? [[Mary Sue|I'm just your typically abnormally confident, world-weary 16-year-old female protagonist, teehee!]] }}
*  "Yeah, that's the new girl; she'll fit ''[[Sarcasm Mode|right in]]'' driving [[Sanford and Son|Fred Sanford's truck]]!
*  In the cafeteria:
{{quote|'''Girl''': ...[[It Makes Sense in Context|we're talking Olympic sized]]!<br />
'''Mike''': High school girls discussing ''[[Biggus Dickus|wang sizes]]''; [[Despair Event Horizon|we've officially hit rock bottom, gentlemen]].<br />
'''Kevin''': Shh, shh, shh! I'm trying to hear about the wang sizes!  }}
*  "'''''Llllllllllllllllllllllladies?'''''"
**  "Lllllllladies." "Bill, those are guys." "Oh, well, dudes that look like llllllladies."
*  "[[Punctuated! For! Emphasis!|THIS! IS! Forks High School, home of the SPARTAns!]]"
*  "The silver screen cannot contain the [[Blatant Lies|heated passion]] of ''[[Twilight (novel)|Twilight]]!''
*  "It's hard to look [[Badass]] posing next to a Volvo."
{{quote|'''Edward''': No one will believe you!
'''Mike''': ...quoting directly from {{smallcaps|The Abusive Guy's Handbook}} there. }}
*  [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE0fknMFFXg&feature=related Kevin's version] of Edwards song to Bella.
*  "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" [[Running Gag|"Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"]] [[Overly Long Gag|"Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"]]
*  "It's ''fun'' being eternally damned!"
*  When Edward reveals his nature to Bella for the first time:
{{quote|'''Edward''': Say it...
'''Kevin''': Alright, you're a total homo!
'''Bill''': That's not what I meant!
'''Edward''': ''Out loud...''
'''Mike''': Okay, you're a thorough-going douche...
'''Bill''': No! You're not doing it right!
'''Mike''': A tool?
'''Bill''': NO!
'''Bella''': Vampire...
'''Kevin''': Close; I'm a ''metro''pire!
'''Edward''': Are you afraid?
'''Mike''': Seriously...[[Dull Surprise|I don't know what emotion you're going for, because you always just look nauseous]]... }}
* Bella is visiting the Cullens
{{quote|'''Mike''': You like Legos? Cause I got tons of Legos ''(sic)'', I got Lego [[Star Wars]], and Power Miners, I got like a bajillion [[Bionicle|Beeonicles]] ''(sic)'' too...}}
*  "Vampires keep themselves [[Wire Fu|harnessed to the ceilings at all times]] in case a production of ''[[Peter Pan]]'' breaks out."
**  "[[Brick Joke|Is there a production of]] ''[[Peter Pan]]''? Because ''we're'' ready!"
*  "She was coached by Shia LeBeouf for this scene."
*  The scene where Edward's snuck into Bella's bedroom: "What was our math homework?"
*  Cafeteria scene:
{{quote|'''Bella:''' You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.
'''Mike:''' And that apple you bounced off your foot is giving me hookworm.  }}
*  After Edward has saved Bella and kisses her in the hospital:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' Aw, I-I'm weakening, guys. I mean suddenly feel very invested in their love. It's-It's my love, too. Them succeeding despite all odds means I succeed despite all odds. (Cut to a shot over a forest.) Look, beautiful trees, as-as beautiful as the love between Edward and Bella and me and their beauty and... ''[THUNK]'' Ow! ''You hit me with a phone book!''
'''Kevin:''' Yep. }}
*  When Bella and Edward are practicing dancing:
{{quote|'''Mike''': You mind if I slit my wrists right now, get ahead of the curve?
'''Bill''': Oh, any old time, Mike.
'''Kevin''': I'm surprised you haven't done it by ''now''! }}
*  Mike, Bill, and Kevin worrying about the taxidermy animal in science room. (I'd say [[It Makes Sense in Context]], but...it doesn't.)
*  "Typical night at [[Jack Nicholson]]'s house, circa 1975."
*  During the...well, rapidly changing scene:
{{quote|'''Kevin''': I'm having [[This Is Your Premise on Drugs|another acid flashback]], right?<br />
'''Mike''': No, that's the movie.<br />
'''Kevin''': So...you guys ''also'' see Jim Nabors riding a killer whale in space?<br />
'''Mike''': No...<br />
'''Bill''': Wish I did, though; that sounds great! }}
*  Early scene mentioning the investigation into mysterious deaths.
{{quote|'''Sheriff''': Well, another hiker got attacked by something in the woods.
'''Mike (as Sheriff)''': ... we think it was a bear because it sucked all the blood out of the corpse. }}
* Humming "Yakkity Sax" while Edward runs up the hill with Bella at superspeed.

==== Twilight: New Moon ====
*  As the movie opens...
{{quote|'''Mike:''' And we're ba--
'''Bill:''' TEAM JACOB!
'''Mike:''' (disgruntled) COULD you please...? }}
* Bill's epic [[Cluster F-Bomb]] in the opening sequence.
* Bella has a gift for Jacob:
{{quote|'''Bella''': It's a little crazy...
'''Bill (as Bella)''': It's a statue of General Custer! }}
*  This exchange:
{{quote|'''Alice''': It's just a little...blood.
'''Mike (as Bella)''': Well it ''was'' a "little blood" until Edward flayed open my brachial artery. }}
* (To Bella) BOOOO! YOU SUCK! BOOOO!
*  During the scene where Edward is walking through Italy to go ask the Volturi to kill him:
{{quote|[[Saturday Night Fever|"Ha, ha, ha, not stayin' alive, not stayin alive! Ha, ha, ha,]] [[No Indoor Voice|not stayin' ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!]] }}
*  As Bella is being led away from the Volturi, passing by a group of tourists being led into their chamber. Screams are heard...
{{quote|'''Bill''': Italian Police issued a statement today once again reiterating that, ''for the love of God'', tour groups should stop going into that Castle where all the other tour groups have been mysteriously murdered.}}
* Pretty much the entirety of the treatment the Volturi in terms of [[The Rocky Horror Picture Show|Frank n Furter]] esque moaning, mockery of their effeminate portrayal, and in particular their reactions to Michael Sheen whenever they are on screen. In particular this little line as Edward is about to ask them to kill him
{{quote|'''Bill''': [[Omniscient Council of Vagueness|The High Council of GAYness]] will see you now!<br />
'''Mike and Kevin''': (effeminate groaning and moaning) }}
*  Early on...
{{quote|'''Edward''': (To Bella) This will be the last time you ever see me.
'''Mike, Bill, and Kevin''': (Triumphant cheering) Hooray! Yay! }}
* When Jacob first [[Shirtless Scene|removes his shirt]]
{{quote|'''Kevin''': Aaaaaannnd
'''All three''': Heeyo! Hey-hey-hey-babe! Aroooogah, aroogah! Hohoho!
'''Mike''': Mom, I didn't know you wanted to see New Moon!
'''Bill''': (effeminate voice): Quiet, dear, I'm trying to watch. Th-the story! The story. }}
**  Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:
{{quote|'''Mike:''' And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination.}}
* The end, after a whole movie's worth of sending out mixed messages and crushing hearts:
{{quote|'''Bella''': [to Jacob] I do love you.
'''Bill''': [incredulous] Sh-she ''does!?''
'''Mike''': [through laughter] She's not a stable girl. }}
* Used as a [[Running Gag]], they keep trying to catch Bella actually making it through a sentence without a Shatnerian pause. Sometimes she actually manages what would count as a whole sentence only to continue the sentence after a long pause.
* Cliff-diving:
{{quote|I regret not buying more shiiiiiiiiirts!
I regret not buying Bob more shiiiiiiiiiiiirts!
I regret being named Embryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Donate my torso to Abercrombie and Fiiiiiiiiiiiiitch! }}
* And when Bella goes cliff-diving:
{{quote|Drowning: the only way she could get more pale and sad.}}

==== Twilight: Eclipse ====
{{quote|'''Jacob''': She broke her hand...punching my face.
'''Kevin (As Charlie)''': Ugh, you guys went to see [[Brick Joke|"Face Punch"]] again, didn't you? }}
* "Make as many mistakes as you can", the advice that inspired [[M. Night Shyamalan]].
* Jasper flashbacking
{{quote|'''Bella''':How do you know so much about this?
'''Mike''': Read the Twilight books, they blew.
'''Jasper''': I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings.
'''Bill''':[[Steve Martin|I was born a poor black child]] }}
* Following an awkward conversation between Bella and Charlie.
{{quote|'''Kevin (as Charlie)''': ...''[takes a swig from his beer]'' Work your dark magic, booze. }}
* Continuing the [[Running Gag]] from previous films, the guys continual irritation by Bella's inability to finish a...sentence, without pausing.
** Plus their horror at Charlie throwing in a random pause. "It's an epidemic!"
* ''[During Charlie's embarrassing marriage/sex talk with Bella]''
{{quote|'''Bella:''' Oh my God, Dad! I'm a virgin.
'''Charlie:''' Daaah-d-d-duh, okay!
'''Kevin:''' ''[laughs]'' Dad had a [[Friends|Chandler]] attack.<br />
'''Bill:''' Could my daughter ''BE'' anymore of a virgin?! }}
* The other Running Gag of "Line?", especially when Bella is freezing in the mountains: "L-l-line?"
* [[Running Gag|"Theeeres a pooooosibilityyyyyyyy"]] "Stop it!" "Come on man!"
* To the tune of "Dream Weaver," while Riley is sneaking through Bella's house:
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' Whooooooa, dreeeeeeeamcatcher, I believe you can hang there and do nothing through the ni-hiiiiiiiiiight!}}
* Who's the bad guy?
{{quote|'''Edward:''' It has to be the Volturi.
'''Bill:''' The Volturi: that's Chevy's new mid-sized sedan, right? }}
* Bella macks on Edward:
{{quote|'''Kevin:''' Mmm...you taste like Clearasil and indecision!}}
* As Jacob keeps Bella warm through the night:
{{quote|'''Edward:''' Could you at least attempt to control your thoughts?
'''Kevin:''' I'm tired of all the [[Glee]] spoilers! }}
* Any and all remarks in regards to Charlie's mustache.
** And on a related note, TEAM MUSTACHE DAD!
* A hilarious [[Shout-Out]] to [[The Room]]:
{{quote|'''A vampire:''' Don't worry about it.
'''Bill:''' Oh hai, Twilight, I'm so glad you like saying 'don't worry about it' too. }}
* Even as she tries to clear things up, Bella continues to be the master of mixed messages.
{{quote|'''Bella''': ''[to Edward]'' This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob.
'''Kevin''': Then what the hell was the point of the last two movies?!
'''Bella''': It was a choice between who I should be and who I am.
'''Mike''': ...What the holy hell does that ''mean?'' }}

==== Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt 1 ====
* Before the riff was even released the trio did a [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HX_rKaeIMMw Rifftrax announcement] of the impending riff, during which Bill leaves for a moment to pass a kidney stone just as Kevin and Mike start mocking the whole "Jacob imprints/falls in love with a baby" thing. When Bill returns holding the kidney stone in a glass jar, [[Take That|Kevin "imprints" on it much to the other's disgust]]
* Bill singlehandedly making a [[Running Gag]] of Edward not being able to fart, until the other guys start thinking it's in the actual movie.
* "We here at Rifftrax would like to remind you that for the last three years, Bella and Jacob have been the two most popular baby names, so please, stop it."
* Priest: "Ladies and gentlemen we're gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan..." "Also my bible just burst into flames for some reason."
* Talking about how the book couldn't possibly be told in one film at any especially slow moment.
* "The elderly couple in ''[[Up]]'' had hotter sex than this!"
* On Sam Uley's wolf voice: "He sounds like Darth Vader trapped down a well."
* As Bella picks up a cell phone: "She tried to play Words With Friends but all she could come up with was 'Uhh?' and 'Edward!'."
* ''Everyone'' greets Jacob with "Sorry about [http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/abduction_2011/ Abduction]."
* "So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of its mother's womb by the teeth of her vampire husband. Stephanie Meyer, get some help. You're very, very sick and deranged, you need to be hospitalized now."
{{quote|What? In dog years, she's like 14 hours!}}
* Mike & Bill's "super gay Volturi voices".
* "Oh for the love of god, do something, you apprehensive, brain damaged...mouse-haired...sea cucumber!"
* This insight into Meyer's writing:
{{quote|'''Carlisle''': We didn't think it (Bella's pregnancy) was even possible.
'''Bill''': [[Take That|It's like someone's]] [[Writing by the Seat of Your Pants|making up the rules as she goes.]]}}

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