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The Bible/Awesome: Difference between revisions
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*** In addition, the ark is sent back in a cart led by two cows that have never been tamed and were separated from their calves. The cows ditched their babies willingly for service to God, and headed straight back to Israelite territory.
** The showdown between Elijah and the prophets of Baal. The challenge: to prove whose god is legit, both parties will pray for a pyre to burn. Elijah stacks the deck against ''himself'', ''on purpose'', by soaking his pyre in water and letting them go first. God still sets it fully aflame regardless, proving who's in charge.
*** Soaks the pyre so much that water is filling the runoff trough. And the fire leaves a crater.
*** Not only that, Elijah [[Kick Them While They Are Down|taunts the priests of Baal when they can't deliver]], suggesting that their god is sleeping, away on a trip, off taking a leak, etc. He gives them a whole day to cavort about.
*** Then The Isrealites, in their rage at the realization of their fallacy, killed all of them.
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== Jesus ==
* {{spoiler|He gets better}}. It's a Moment of Awesome, [[
** Ever want to know what the Son of God is like when [[Unstoppable Rage|you thoroughly piss Him off]]? Turn one of His Father's temples into a black market bazaar.
** In The ''Inferno'' -- both the original by Dante and [[Adaptation Distillation|the remake]] by [[Larry Niven|Niven and Pournelle]] -- He spends His time between the Crucifixion and {{spoiler|the Resurrection}} by ''going down to Hell''. To rescue people. According to Niven and Pournelle, when He got to the city of Dis, the Infernal bureaucrats tried to get Him to fill out their forms before they let Him in. So [[Took a Level
** The Pharisees confront Him with the supposedly impossible: condemning an adulteress to be stoned and thus certainly ending up in jail for violating Roman law, or, by letting her go, allowing for claims that he is not the Son of God by not upholding the Jewish law. As the [[Guile Hero]] that he is, Jesus simply replies "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." To which, everyone simply walks away as the realization of his words sinks in. Especially as He is the only one who can actually throw the first stone. After they all go, He asks the woman whether anyone remains to condemn her. Reply? "No one, Lord". His answer to that is "Then neither do I condemn you. Go, and leave your life of sin."
** Any time somebody gets raised from the dead counts, but when it's a little girl...
** Moments before, a lady with chronic bleeding healed herself merely by touching Jesus' clothing -- and He realized at once that someone had done it. Interesting note: she had been bleeding for the same years as the girl's life (12 years).
** A Roman centurion begs Jesus via messenger to heal his sick servant, humbly claiming to be unworthy of the Messiah's personal attention and confiding that Jesus' mere word will be sufficient. Impressed, Jesus does indeed say the word, and lo, it sufficeth mightily.
** That whole "turn the other cheek" thing? It's a lot more [[Badass]] that it sounds. "Backhanding" someone<ref> (striking a person across the face with the back of the hand)</ref> was used in that day and age to humiliate and devalue ones' inferiors--to "put them in their place", so to speak. Because using the left hand was socially taboo, the right hand was always used for this purpose; so if the person who had just been backhanded turned his head so that the opposite cheek faced his opponent, the aggressor would be forced to hit him with the front of his hand, or his fist...the way that '''only equals''' fought. It told the person abusing you, "I am a human being, and I ''refuse'' to be treated as your inferior--and if you're going to continue beating me, you '''''will''''' acknowledge that."
** John 18:1-9. Judas gets a "band of soldiers" (estimated by Biblical scholars to be around 200) to arrest one guy. Jesus asks them who they seek, and they say "Jesus of Nazareth." Jesus says "[[A God Am I|I am]]" and the soldiers fall to the ground. Oh, and he does this to them twice. Clearly showing that he could have pwned all of them if he wanted to. What makes it even better? YHWH (pronounced "Yahweh"), one way of saying God, can be literally translated to mean "I am."
** Peter, rather understandably, tries to come to Jesus's aid when he's arrested by drawing a sword and slashing the nearest enemy. Jesus berates him, picks up the guy's ear and heals it back on. Then goes with them of his own accord.
** The Apostles see him with the spirits of Moses and Elijah. They described him as glowing white with otherworldly energy like he was a [[Dragonball Z|super saiyan]] or something.
* '''Mary''': It takes alot of guts for a woman to accept the responsibility of being the Mother of God and '''the Mother of all men''' so its very impressive that she chose to beocme this by Her own will and without being forced. And following the will of Her Son and our own needs, She '''let Him be crucified for us''' and according to Saint Alphonsus, Mary loves us so much that had the executioners been lacking, She'd have crucified Him herself to redeem us! Plus, unlike the apostles who doubted in Jesus, Mary never felt the least doubt in her Son, as proven by the fact she was present at the foot of the cross and that Jesus Himself trusted her so much that He gave her to us as our spiritual Mother.
*** Really, Mary was destined to do awesome things. The Latin Vulgate translation of Genesis 3:15 says that the woman 'shall crush the head of the serpent' who is obviously Satan.
*** Guess who usually gets the credit for Catholic military victories? [[Action Mom|Mary]].
* Jacob wrestles all night with ... well it's not clear who, but one translation of the name he's given, Yisrael, is "he struggles with God."
** The text implies it's Jesus. Speaking of which, every time Jesus appears prior to His Incarnation, He's doing something awesome. Then again, so is most of the stuff He does after His Incarnation.
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** The three are named. As a group. David's Three Mighty Men. They ''each'' have their moments of awesome, all involving being a [[One-Man Army]] against however many Philistines they faced that day. They are also a part of a group of 37 men, two others are also named with awesome [[One-Man Army]] exploits attached to them, and the rest are just named. But named out of all the armies of King David.
*** One killed 800 Philistines with his [[Blade on a Stick|spear]], another got his hand so cramped after a battle that ''he can't let go of his sword'', and another survived a booby trap, a lion, and slain two great Moabite warriors.
** The three sons of David's sister Zeruiah: Joab, Abishai, and Asahel.
*** Joab was David's military commander through most of his rebellion and later kingship. He was pragmatic, charismatic, and ruthless, which earned him many military victories over far stronger foes. He was also kind of a dick. However, he did have one moment, when David got cocky and ordered a count of all his fighting men to show how Badass he was. Joab told to reconsider, knowing it was a bad idea. Forced to do it anyways, Joab refused to count the tribe of the priests, Levi, and the tribe that encompassed Jerusalem, Benjamin.
*** Another time, he got wind that David was loudly weeping for his traitorous son Absalom, whom Joab had just killed, possibly knowing that David would have been too soft on him. The soldiers that just risked their necks for the king are now demoralized because he seems to care more about the guy who just tried to rebel against them than his own men. So Joab goes over to his king and then delivers a [[What the Hell, Hero?]] speech, snapping his boss out of it.
*** Abishai killed 300 enemy soldiers in a single engagement, as well as commanding many other battles alongside his brother Joab. He is also one of the ones who broke through enemy lines to get the king some water. His exploits were so great that he was not only recognized to be as great as the three mightiest of David's warriors, ''he was put in charge of them''.
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** Some years earlier he had another: when Belshazzar calls him to interpret the handwriting that appeared after he had an impious feast with gold sacred cutlery, he basically tells him "God says [[You Suck]], milord, and tonight you'll know why..."
** Daniel, as a youth, hears about some shenanigans along these lines: A pair of elders have trapped Susanna, a beautiful Jewess, making her an offer she can't refuse by threatening to jointly accuse her of adultery. With each to corroborate the other's lies, things look bleak, until Daniel arrives and cross-examines them on a point of detail: "Under what kind of tree was the act being carried out?" Not having rehearsed their answer to this, [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|unable to tell different types of trees from quite a long way away]], and being questioned separately, they give conflicting accounts, at which it's not only a Not Guilty verdict but summary execution for bearing false witness.
*** Even better, in the original Hebrew text he delivers their sentences in the form of [[A Worldwide Punomenon|puns]] based on the names of the trees they claimed Susanna was under.
** There's another time when a bunch of people are worshiping a dragon. God tells Daniel that this ain't cool, because dragon-worship isn't a real religion. [[Feed It a Bomb|So Daniel gets a bunch of bitumen and pitch and things and...]]
*** Note: The above two stories are only found in the Catholic Bible. For the Protestants, they're Apocrypha, but no less awesome for it.
* Saul of Tarsus, later known as the Apostle Paul. Early in life, he was [[Knight Templar|fanatically opposed to the Christian faith]], having as many Christians as he could jailed and executed. After his [[Heel Face Turn|conversion experience]] on the road to Damascus, he applied the same fanatical devotion to [[The Missionary|spreading the Christian message far and wide]]. By his own account, this caused him to suffer "far more imprisonments [than other Christian preachers], with countless beatings, and often near death. Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one [the maximum punishment the Jews were allowed to hand out under Roman law]. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure." Yet he kept on going. The man [[Determinator|just]] '''[[Determinator|could not]]''' [[Determinator|be stopped]].
** Another CMoA for Paul was during one of his arrests (it was a recurring theme in the book of Acts). He was sentenced to a flogging and was being chained by a centurion when he spoke up: "Excuse me, I'm a Roman Citizen. I was ''born'' a Roman Citizen. You ''cannot'' flog me, ''especially'' without a trial." The authorities [[Oh Crap|realized what they were about to do]], and they stepped back.
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