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Line 33: * [[Americans Hate Soccer]] / [[Acceptable Hobby Targets]]: [[In-Universe]]. "[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xLn-X8YJRg Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay]". [https://web.archive.org/web/20130621022207/http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/ In the Onion Sports Network's main page], if you look at the list of sports categories, "[[Soccer]]" is lumped in the same category as "Women's Sports". ** "[http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/video/suffering-cleveland-bans-all-professional-sports,19701/ Suffering Cleveland Bans All Professional Sports]". * [[Anachronism Stew]] / [[Timey-Wimey Ball]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/historical-archives-civil-war-preenactors-have-sta,6356/ Historical Archives: Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd Battle Of Bull Run]". Line 85: * [[Canon Discontinuity]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/mans-life-riddled-with-continuity-errors,20492/ Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors]". * [[Canon Welding]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/disney-reveals-that-every-disney-movie-takes-place,28141/ Disney Reveals That Every Disney Movie Takes Place In Single, Unified Universe]". * [[Captain Space, Defender of Earth!]]: Crash Comet, Space Commander from the Year 2000, the recurring enemy of [[Evil Overlord]] columnist [https://web.archive.org/web/20120131154307/http://www.theonion.com/personalities/gorzo-the-mighty,1026/ Gorzo the Mighty]. * [[Captain Obvious Aesop]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/third-amendment-rights-group-celebrates-another-su,2296/ Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year]". * [[Casanova]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/content/news/7_million_people_direct?utm_source=c-section 7 Million People Direct Descendants Of Single Smooth-Talking Ancestor]". Line 94: * [[Children Are a Waste]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/department-of-education-study-finds-teaching-these,18461/ Department Of Education Study Finds Teaching These Little Shits No Longer Worth It]". * [[China Takes Over the World]]: "[https://web.archive.org/web/20100218222333/http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/well_ive_sold_the_paper_to Well, I've Sold The Paper To The Chinese]". "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-china-to-overtake-us-as-worlds-biggest-assh,17277/ Report: China To Overtake U.S. As World's Biggest Asshole By 2020]". ** From the week which featured the header article, "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/china-strong,2756/ China Strong]". * [[Church of Happyology]]: "[https://web.archive.org/web/20090115091433/http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31006 Scientology Losing Ground To New Fictionology]". * [[Circles of Hell]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28898 Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly-Growing Hell]". * [[Clap Your Hands If You Believe]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/obama_warns_he_may_cease_to Obama Warns He May Cease To Exist Unless America Believes In Him]". Line 107: * [[Cluster F-Bomb]]: Oy. "[http://zorak.best.vwh.net/toc/fuckingmoon.html Holy Shit: Man Walks On Fucking Moon]". "[https://web.archive.org/web/20100314110501/http://www.theonion.com/content/video/sony_releases_new_stupid_piece_of Sony Releases Stupid Piece of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work]". "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/supreme-court-upholds-freedom-of-speech-in-obsceni,17372/ Supreme Court Upholds Freedom Of Speech In Obscenity-Filled Ruling]". The whole week of articles directly after [[The War on Terror\|9/11]] was called "The Holy Fucking Shit Edition". Line 235: * [[The Grim Reaper]]: Frequently appears in the cartoons. * [[Hand Puppet]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30192 Local Puppet Ignores Repeated Audience Dragon Warnings]". * [[Harmful to Minors]]: "[https://web.archive.org/web/20100223085304/http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30883 U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially-Exposed Breast On TV]". * [[Heavy Metal Umlaut]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/united-states-toughens-image-with-umlauts,4230/ Ünited Stätes Toughens Image with Umlauts]". * [[Heroes Want Redheads]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33324 I'm Certain That Sex With A Redhead Will Be More Fulfilling Than Other Sex]". Line 283: * [[Lowest Common Denominator]]: [[In-Universe]]-- "[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmCjJ0VBjjU Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall]". * [[Mad Scientist]]:http://www.theonion.com/articles/rat-fancy-magazine-fails-to-catch-on,4259/ "[https://web.archive.org/web/20100223091257/http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38877 Corpse-Reanimation Technology Still 10 Years Off, Say MIT Mad Scientists]". "[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29346 Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted by Budget Cuts]". * [[The Magazine Rule]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/star-wars-gamer-magazine-boldly-claims-to-be-the-l,3698/ Star Wars Gamer Magazine Boldly Claims To Be The Leading Magazine For Star Wars Gamers]". Line 349: * [[Parenting the Husband]]: [http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-girlfriend-boyfriend-achieve-perfect-motherso,2714/ Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship]. * [[Periphery Demographic]]: [[In-Universe]]. "[https://web.archive.org/web/20070711085209/http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28009 Children, Creepy Middle-Aged Weirdos Swept Up In 'Harry Potter' Craze]". "[http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/man_not_belonging_to_movies?utm_source=a-section Man Not Belonging To Movie's Target Demographic Escorted From Theater By Hollywood Officials]". "[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KV32uLQGFR8 Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series]". Line 402: All the [[George W. Bush]] injury articles (see [[Butt Monkey]] and [[Take That]]) end with "Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital." * [[Sampling]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/nations-rappers-down-to-last-two-samples,793/ Nation's Rappers Down to Last Two Samples]". * [[Samus Is a Girl]]: "[https://web.archive.org/web/20100219135230/http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31739 Hotshot Test Pilot Removes Helmet, Reveals Female Status]". * [[Sapient Cetaceans]]: Parodied this with the article "[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28315 Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: 'Oh, Shit,' Says Humanity]". The article is then filled with stories of the Dolphins' incredibly rapid technology development, and marine biologists committing suicide or preparing to serve the Dolphin overlords. * [[Sarcasm Failure]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/muscleman-put-in-charge-of-worlds-fifthlargest-eco,877/ Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy]", filled with legit facts and news due to being so unbelievable at the time. Line 452: ** Also present in [http://www.theonion.com/personalities/jean-teasdale,1021/ Jean Teasdale's column] (with lines like "Osama bin Laden should take a chocolate pill!") and some of the cartoons (when they're not full of [[Patriotic Fervor]] and [[You Can Panic Now]]). * [[So What Do We Do Now?]]: [http://www.theonion.com/articles/voice-inside-cheering-libyan-rebels-head-oh-fuck-n,21204/ Voice Inside Cheering Libyan Rebel's Head: 'Oh, Fuck, Now What?']". * [[Spoiler]]: [[In-Universe]], "[https://web.archive.org/web/20080110080422/http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/final_harry_potter_book Final Harry Potter Book Blasted For Containing Spoilers]". * [[Stalking Is Love]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29546 Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested]". * [[Start of Darkness]]: "[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMzyI6cIbek Cheadle Planned Darfur Genocide to Create Role]".

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