Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do At Hogwarts: Difference between revisions

Imagine what would happen if [[Skippy's List|Skippy]] went to [[Harry Potter|Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry]]. Inspired by the antics of the infamous Skippy and the equally infamous [[Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG|Mister Welch]], several different sets of Internet denizens took it upon themselves to generate useful guidelines for proper student behavior at the premiere institution for Magical education in the British Isles. At least three such lists exist, and probably more; they most commonly number around 150 rules of thumb, instructions and exhortations to the young spellcaster of... less than normal mindset.

 

Since there is no single definitive set of Things Not Allowed At Hogwarts, All The Tropes has, as a public service, selected one of these lists and leavened it with items carefully gleaned from its compatriots, and has presented the assembled wisdom here for your enjoyment. Naturally, opinions may vary as to what the best items of any of the lists actually are, so tropers should feel free to <s>poach</s> add their own favorites to the list below.

 

== The List ==

* I will not call Lucius Malfoy [[Labyrinth|"Jareth"]].

* I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Lord Voldemort.

* Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

* I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

* I shall not give Professor Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.

* I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as [[The Powerpuff Girls|"Blossom," "Buttercup," and "Bubbles."]]

* I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as [[Iron Chef|"Kitchen Stadium"]].

* I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute.

* Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not [[Sluggy Freelance|use guns against the Death Eaters]].

* Tricking the school house-elves into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Pwned!"

* "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

* I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

* Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. [[A Date with Rosie Palms|"Polishing my wand"]] in the common room is not.

* There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop signing up for it every year.

* I am not to owl copies of the [[Evil Overlord List]] to suspected Death Eaters.

* I am not [[Red Dwarf|the King of the Potato People]] and I do not have a flying carpet.

* I shall not aim an angry dragon at the Whomping Willow and take bets on which comes out the victor.

* If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to cast it.

* I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

* I will not sing the entire [[Schoolhouse Rock|Multiplication Rock]] series during Arithmancy exams.

* It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."

* I am not one of the 110 types of Rhinovirus Animagus; even if I were, it would be cheating [[The Sword in the Stone|to win a Wizard's Duel by transforming]].

* ''[[Doctor Mordrid]]'' is not an educational film.

* I will not attempt to repel Dementors by coating myself in chocolate body paint.

* I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new professors are introduced.

* Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" in Potions class will not get me extra points.

* Screaming "VOLDEMORT!" in crowded hallways is not in good taste.

* And lastly, I will not use a time turner to go into the past and seduce my father, thereby ceasing to exist, which means I could not have gone into the past and seduced my father, which means I do exist, which means I can go back and . . . oh, nevermind.

 

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