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''Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed To Do In An RPG'' is [[Exactly What It Says on the Tin]] — a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for [[The Loonie]], has been banned from doing in [[Tabletop Games]]. It is ''long'' (2,050 items at last count), imaginative, full of [[Averted Trope|aversions]], and often really funny.
The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of ''[[Dungeons
{{Sidemenu}}
Line 51 ⟶ 30:
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/405093.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in Dr. Who
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/404339.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[Dragon Age]]
* [[Dungeons
** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/263534.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in 1st Ed. D&D
** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/270201.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Oriental Adventures
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/403627.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[Wraith: The Oblivion|Wraith]]
{{sidemenuend}}
Read the full list here:
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html Numbers 1 - 500]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/89715.html Numbers 501 - 1000]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/131998.html Numbers 1001 - 1500]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/282764.html Numbers 1501 - 2000]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/389635.html Numbers 2001 - 2375]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/390307.html 2026-2050]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/396406.html 2051-2075]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/398668.html 2076-2100]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/401077.html 2101-2125]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/407783.html 2126-2150]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/413994.html 2151-2175]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/415387.html 2176-2200]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/429495.html 2201-2225]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/431079.html 2226-2250]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/431710.html 2251-2275]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/438322.html 2276-2300]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/440403.html 2301-2325]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/441379.html 2326-2350]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/443081.html 2351-2375]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/450906.html 2376-2400]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/454230.html 2401-2425]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/455260.html 2426-2450]
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/456477.html 2451-2475]
Compare ''[[Skippy's List]]''. Compare and contrast the ''[[Evil Overlord List]]'', which is more about becoming [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is ''[[Werewolf: The Apocalypse]]'' specific.
Line 131 ⟶ 136:
798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
1695. Can't [[Truth in Television|load the shotgun just with rock salt]] because I'm feeling mean.
1815. Can't have [[Catapult to Glory|a gun capable of]] [[Fastball Special|using other PC's as ammo]]. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people.
2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers.
Line 167 ⟶ 172:
{{quote|1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual.}}
* [[As Long as It Sounds Foreign]]:
{{quote|2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his [[Warhammer
* [[Attack Its Weak Point]]:
{{quote|
Line 177 ⟶ 182:
731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause [[Highlander|a cool pyrotechnics display]]. }}
* [[Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny]]:
{{quote|1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not [[Mission: Impossible|disavow knowledge of him]] until after the mission is over.}}
* [[Awesome McCoolname]]:
{{quote|1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is [[Testosterone Poisoning|a bit much]].
Line 207 ⟶ 212:
* [[Battle Cry]]:
{{quote|
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer
74. My thief's battle cry is not "[[Dirty Coward|Run And Live]]".
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps".
Line 234 ⟶ 239:
1183. No it won’t help if we put a silencer on the bazooka.
1216. I can’t have a gun that treats buildings as light cover.
1265. Heavy bolters don’t come with a pistol grip. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1587. There is no way the [[Mage: The Ascension|Iteration X mage]] is going to make it through airport security.
1598. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative.
Line 245 ⟶ 250:
{{quote|312. I am not the son, father, husband, ex-roommate, former professor or retired garbage man of the villain.
1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person.
1810. Even if the rules allow it, can't be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
}}
* [[Biggus Dickus]]: Possibly implied.
Line 308 ⟶ 313:
* [[The Casanova]] / [[Really Gets Around]]:
{{quote|362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town's population.
1849. [[Language Equals Thought|There is too an elven word for "monogamy".]]
1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out. }}
Line 328 ⟶ 334:
476. The alignment of [[Kids Are Cruel|2 years olds]] is not automatically [[Neutral Evil]].
863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding [[Technology Levels|TL]]1 tribes [[Technology Levels|TL]]12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong.
1592. If the Solar cringes, it's time to reassess my alignment.
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.
1929. [[Ayn Rand]] has no affect on my alignment. }}
Line 345 ⟶ 352:
* [[Coast Guard]]
{{quote|61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.}}
* [[
{{quote|
1901. Even if my Jedi has a Scottish accent, can't have a plaid lightsaber. }}
Line 351 ⟶ 358:
{{quote|
233. If I am the medtech [[Not That Kind of Doctor|it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine]].
271. [[Instant Drama, Just Add Tracheotomy|Tracheotomies]] are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood.
520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed [[Not What It Looks Like|a groin-mounted rectal thermometer]].
Line 381 ⟶ 388:
* [[Cool and Unusual Punishment]]:
{{quote|604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.}}
* [[Covers Always Spoil]]:
{{quote|2419. I am required to tell the DM if the secret villain of the adventure is revealed on the back synopsis of the module screen. }}
* [[CPR: Clean, Pretty, Reliable]]: Minus the Clean, Pretty, and Reliable part, of course.
{{quote|1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks.}}
Line 389 ⟶ 398:
* [[Crowd Song]]:
{{quote|940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.}}
* [[Curious as a Monkey]]:
{{quote|374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again.}}
* [[Cutting the Knot]]: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw.
Line 435 ⟶ 444:
{{quote|
580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn't very practical. }}
* [[Dungeon Bypass]]: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to...
{{quote|
38. When investigating evil [[
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin' asteroid.
Line 504 ⟶ 513:
676. My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP.
1132. There will be no more debating how much XP Mr. Tumnus would be worth.
1177. I will stop asking [[NPC
1215. If I'm just a few XP from 16th level, I can't just cast fireballs at random forests until I hit something. }}
* [[Expy]]: The #1 entry prevents him from basing characters on [[The Who|Keith Moon]].
Line 515 ⟶ 524:
== F ==
* [[Failed a Spot Check]]:
{{quote|722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play [[Tomb of Horrors]] again.}}
* [[Fan Disservice]]:
{{quote|366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.
Line 530 ⟶ 539:
* [[Fat Bastard]]:
{{quote|53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.}}
* [[Follow the Leader]]: Similar in style to ''[[Skippy's List|Skippys List]]'' of the "[https://web.archive.org/web/20131109164111/http://skippyslist.com/list/ 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army]", though Mr. Welch has claimed repeatedly the resemblance was not intentional. This list has also inspired people to make threads in forums, which are quickly filled up by other people being [[The Loonie]].
** [http://axelslist.blogspot.com/ This blog] is a variant containing things that have one of the aforementioned inspired people wrote, specifically referencing Mr. Welch and Skippy.
* [[Football Hooligans]]:
Line 539 ⟶ 548:
{{quote|1768. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they're easy to beat up later.}}
* [[Funny Afro]]:
{{quote|1852. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for [[Warhammer
* [[Furry Fandom]]:
{{quote|1786. Albanians do not count as furries.
Line 547 ⟶ 556:
== G ==
* [[Gag Boobs]]:
{{quote|1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1. (''D&D 3.0'')}}
* [[Game Breaker]]: Numerous times In-Universe.
{{quote|69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. (''D&D 3.0'')
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') }}
* [[Gangsta Style]]: The page quote.
{{quote|1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check. (''D&D 3.0'')}}
* [[Gaslighting]]"
{{quote|1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies. (''D&D 3.0'')
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things.}}
* [[Gatling Good]]:
Line 569 ⟶ 578:
{{quote|1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out.}}
* [[A God Is You]]:
{{quote|158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. (''2nd Ed. D&D'')
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
575. Even if I'm a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad's away without permission.
Line 576 ⟶ 585:
{{quote|1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention.}}
* [[Godzilla Threshold]]: Extra care must be taken not to cross it with this guy around...
{{quote|1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. (''2nd Ed. D&D'')}}
* [[Going Commando]]:
{{quote|88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.}}
Line 584 ⟶ 593:
967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem. }}
* [[GMPC]]:
{{quote|13. Must not murder canon [[NPC
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super [[NPC]] to foot the bill. (''2nd Ed. D&D'')}}
* [[Gratuitous Disco Sequence]]:
{{quote|43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
Line 592 ⟶ 601:
* [[Gratuitous Foreign Language]]: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding [[As Long as It Sounds Foreign|gibberish]])...
* [[Grievous Harm with a Body]]:
{{quote|106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. (''2nd Ed. D&D'')
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
Line 599 ⟶ 608:
1963. If I can't use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that includes beating him against the dwarf. }}
* [[Groin Attack]]:
{{quote|
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. (''D&D 3.0'')
541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice. (''Cyberpunk 2020'')
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis.
1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if it's just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels.
Line 634 ⟶ 644:
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
890. Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial weapons.
964. Elves aren't marsupials.
1368. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons.
1369. Elves do to have nipples.
1616. Despite what the math says, elves do not gestate for an entire decade.
1958. Dwarven breast milk is not 180 proof.
2121. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened.
2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.
2196. When listing the advantages of elves to the new player, I will leave off "shatter proof".
2226. The concept of vowels are not alien to dwarves.
2251. No calling a city councilman to settle an argument about dwarves.
2252. When a dwarf goes to the surface for the first time, I can't cast levitate on him.
2254. Covering myself in mud doesn't [[Predator|make me invisible to the elf]].
2274. I am not transelven.
2287. We are not using the dwarf's back hair to make any of the following: rope, sweater, quilt, hot air balloon.
2303. I can't bribe the dwarf with an offer of putting him up for stud.
2373. The name for a group of elves is not the fagot.
2376. The Dwarven work ethic is not just "[[Dug Too Deep|Dig until we hit evil]]."
2388. No matter how high my damage resistance is, I can't name my dwarf [[Meaningful Name|Tanky McTankitytank]].
2390. The plan is not just let the villain beat on the dwarf until his arm gets tired.
2393. The natural enemy of the elf is not the common cold.
2438. Not starting the adventure until we have exactly one elf in the party is not [[Incredibly Lame Pun|Tolkienism]].
2461. There is no such thing as the Dwarvish Poetry Guild. }}
* [[Hit Points]]:
{{quote|31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
Line 653 ⟶ 679:
* [[Hoist by His Own Petard]]:
{{quote|612. Every time [[Yet Another Stupid Death|a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity]] does not let me sing [[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory|the Oompa-Loompa song]].}}
** Elaborated [//theglen.livejournal.com/219007.html later]:
{{quote|Oompa Loompa
Doompity Doo
I've got another puzzle for you.
What do you get when you cut the wrong wire?
A face full of steel and a body on fire!
Why don't you defer to somebody with the skills?
It won't get...it won't get...it won't get you killed...}}
* [[Hong Kong Dub]]:
{{quote|9. My monk's lips must be in sync.}}
Line 666 ⟶ 701:
{{quote|268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person.
506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
1455. Like a cow who goes to the well too often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors.
1784. Some grizzfarb says I have to stop making up gnomish profanities. }}
Line 673 ⟶ 708:
{{quote|73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
524. I will not ask my gun for advice.
1359. I can't call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it's the one that the game suggested. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
2209. My techpriest will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordnance. }}
* [[I Know Your True Name]]:
Line 685 ⟶ 720:
1433. [[Macross|Zentradi]] are not good eating.
1649. I can't free the cannibals' prisoners by starting a food fight with them.
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty -->" tabard.
2125. No matter how close to lunch is it, halflings don't have to save vs. cannibalism. }}
** Although there are some limits:
{{quote|855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.}}
Line 710 ⟶ 746:
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach".
783
1277. No I can’t have an H. R. Giger Counter.
1458. The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon.
Line 716 ⟶ 752:
1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean [[All Your Base Are Belong to Us|all their base belongs to us]].
1855. Using a barber's razor as a weapon does not make me a barbarian.
2449. Even if my musketeer just tore Richelieu from the French throne, I didn't just break the Cardinal rule.
}}
* [[Inescapable Ambush]]: Even if he casts Glassee on the door.
Line 727 ⟶ 764:
{{quote|1333. I will tell the noob [[Twilight 2000|the game]] is about post nuclear Europe and not [[Twilight (novel)|love struck vampires]] before we start.}}
* [[It Makes Sense in Context]]: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example:
{{quote|346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a [[Terminator|Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range]].}}
** Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. And theoretically compatible "d20 Future".
== J-K ==
* [[Jackass Genie]]:
{{quote|568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.'
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.}}
* [[Karma Meter]]:
{{quote|174. There is no use of [[William Shatner|Shatner]]'s spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
Line 745 ⟶ 783:
1212. Even if they’d never suspect it, my Jedi can’t have a flamethrower.
1460. Even if the rules allow it, can't fish with a flamethrower.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')<ref>[[Bifurcated Weapon|Exterminator]] cartridge. They even added errata for this.</ref>
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse.
Line 753 ⟶ 791:
2187. No matter how many examples I can give, a flamethrower cannot boost morale.
2332. When asked why the Feywild isn't in the campaign, "self inflicted nuclear holocaust" isn't the right answer.
2467. If we have to hide our weapons, no dumping the napalm into the fire sprinkler reserve tanks.
2470. If ordered to see if anybody is in a building, no setting it on fire and seeing if anybody runs out.
}}
* [[Kill It with Water]]:
{{quote|1071. I will go take out the villain’s dungeon the old fashioned way, and not use magic to reroute a river into it instead.
1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn't work.
1900. [[Mage: The Ascension|Verbena]] are not [[The Wonderful Wizard of Oz|water soluble]]. }}
* [[Knife Nut]]:
{{quote|1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda.}}
* [[Konami Code]]:
{{quote|403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.
== L ==
Line 787 ⟶ 829:
* [[Logic Bomb]]: Back to the genie.
{{quote|199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.'
1871. No tricking the techpriest into dividing by zero. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')}}
* [[The Loonie]]: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition.
{{quote|
1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at [[Vampire: The Masquerade|Malkavians]], [[Dungeons
1385. Even if I couldn't attend the session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault.
1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing." }}
* [[Loophole Abuse]]: '''CONSTANTLY.''' The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules.
{{quote|
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
Line 813 ⟶ 855:
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')<ref>The result of [[Damage Typing]] and taking damage from failed attempts at medicine</ref>
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber toothed walrus.
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability.
Line 820 ⟶ 862:
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of halfings<!-- sic --> in his pack without penalty.
1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster.
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head [[Villainous Demotivator|does not improve morale]]. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists.
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking [[Mad Scientist]].
2155. Getting multiple entries in a game's first errata is not a badge of honor.
2409. My wish cannot include the words "and, additional, furthermore" or any synonyms thereof.
2423. If the party is black tie only, that doesn't mean just painted on the power armor.}}
{{quote|423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.
1914. Can't abuse the boggan's weakness to get free babysitting. }}
Line 854 ⟶ 898:
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish'.
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
653. [[Only Sane Man|Cannot wish]] [[Sanity Ball|for the party]] [[
745. Can't wish I was the GM.
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?"
Line 942 ⟶ 986:
1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to help fill out wikipedia articles.
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed.
1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1568. Werewolves normally do not have access to the 'Sonnet' Specialization.
1621. No using the Reduce spell to only to buy a child's ticket at the movies.
Line 958 ⟶ 1,002:
* [[My Friends and Zoidberg]]:
{{quote|219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".}}
* [[Mystery Meat]]: Remains a mystery.
{{quote|1976. The identify spell doesn't work on mystery meat.}}
== N ==
Line 998 ⟶ 1,044:
* [[Off the Rails]]: He's tried. The DMs don't like it.
{{quote|
38. When investigating evil [[
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
Line 1,036 ⟶ 1,082:
693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome's contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring.
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection.
1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods.
2386. There is no such thing as gnomeophobia.
2387. I will not give anybody an unreasonable fear of gnomes.
}}
* [[Overused Copycat Character]]: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these.
{{quote|
13. Must not murder canon [[NPC
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.
Line 1,062 ⟶ 1,111:
{{quote|1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.}}
* [[Playing Against Type]]: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot to allay suspicions, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario.)
{{quote|1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character.
2068. If my character's name is not an anagram, I will tell the DM before he spends 30 minutes rearranging letters. }}
* [[Plot Armor]]:
{{quote|447. If the [[NPC]] is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round.
Line 1,068 ⟶ 1,118:
* [[Politically-Correct History]]: Sort of.
{{quote|146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
1459. Even if the game is set in 1912, the female characters get a vote on the party's action.
* [[Post-Modern Magik]]:
{{quote|1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, [[wikipedia:Silver halide|no matter what we all know it's made out of.]]}}
Line 1,098 ⟶ 1,148:
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place.
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer.
* [[Recoil Boost]]:
{{quote|
Line 1,155 ⟶ 1,205:
1055. I will also not simply refer to the elf druid as that dirty, dirty hippie.
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.
1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male.
1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II.
1410. Bleaching the drow won't help.
Line 1,200 ⟶ 1,250:
25. The green elf [[Gauntlet (1985 video game)|does not need food badly]].
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to [[Knights of the Dinner Table|sit on the same side of the table]].
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
124. I cannot insert the words [[Shaun of the Dead|"Kill Phil, Sorry Phil"]] into any list of instructions.
Line 1,206 ⟶ 1,256:
132. There is no such feat called "[[The Last Starfighter|Death Blossom]]".
143. [[The Mummy Trilogy|Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.]]
168. I was also not recruited by [[The Hobbit (novel)|12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon]].
180. [[Transformers: The Movie|I have neither the touch nor the power.]]
252. I can not order the Druid to [[Transformers|transform and roll out]].
Line 1,226 ⟶ 1,276:
1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "[[Monkey Island|How appropriate]], [[You Fight Like a Cow]]".
1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops [[Operation Mindcrime|Operation: Mimecrime]].
1356. Before we start, let's make sure whether everybody blows up if I [[Dune|shoot a shield]] with a lasgun. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|his dire tiger green and orange]].
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should [[The Wizard of Oz|drop a house on the witch.]]
Line 1,240 ⟶ 1,290:
1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we [[Turbo Teen|douse him]] [[Ranma ½|with hot water]].
2105. Infravision no longer works like thermographic vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf [[Predator|by smearing myself with mud]].
2400. Just because [[The Six Million Dollar Man|I have the technology]], doesn't mean I need to make him better.
2462. My paladin does not [[RoboCop|have fourth, classified, oath known only to Omnicorp]].
}}
* [[Similarly Named Works]]
Line 1,250 ⟶ 1,302:
* [[Spare Body Parts]]: Denied.
{{quote|68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.}}
* [[Spoony Bard]]:
{{quote|
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.
343. I must remember royalty do not share the same love of parody as my bard.
867. We can't all play bards just to relive our favorite Spinal Tap moments.
1489. My bard will not stop every passing minstrel for a round of Dueling Banjos.
1643. Despite [[Monty Python and the Holy Grail|precedent]], if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard.
1826. Before we have the bard loot the dungeon, make sure he's clear on the spelling.
1974. Despite what the rules say, you don't have to be a 19th level bard to play Alice's Restaurant Massacre.
2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald's musical performances is abusing Grumfather's gift.
2385. Doesn't matter where you hit him, you can't set a bard to shuffle.
2454. My bard is now required to take a long rest between performances of Tarzan Boy.
2455. Can't name my aasimar bard Petra Stryper.
2456. Aasimar bards know more songs than just Disney tunes.
2457. My aasimar bard is not allowed to resemble any member of the Wiggles.
2460. A bard that plays like Bob Dillon is awesome. A bard that talks like Bob Dillon not so much.
2461. There is no such thing as the Dwarvish Poetry Guild.
}}
* [[STD Immunity]]:
{{quote|588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it?}}
Line 1,297 ⟶ 1,368:
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A.
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill.
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment.
Line 1,302 ⟶ 1,374:
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder.
2025.
2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.
2429. Can't apply the holy avenger traits to siege weapons.
2472. The rest of the party would like to know why I'm putting all my skill points into nuclear warhead.
2473. Even if the rules allow it, I don't get a sustained fire bonus for nuclear weapons.
}}
* [[Third Person Person]]:
{{quote|268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person.
1893. Can't take Speaks in Third person quirk just so I can use the lyrics to Battery as an attack plan.
}}
* [[Thrown Out the Airlock]]:
{{quote|159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
Line 1,317 ⟶ 1,392:
* [[Token Minority]]:
{{quote|518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow.}}
* [[
{{quote|189. Tourette's is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.}}
* [[Trojan Horse]]:
Line 1,391 ⟶ 1,466:
* [[We Need a Distraction]]: Greatly limited.
{{quote|
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. (''D&D 3.5'')
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing. (''D&D 3.0'')
739. Can't make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first. (''Cyberpunk 2020'')
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building. (''Cyberpunk 2020'')
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks. (''Cyberpunk 2020'')
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him. (''Aeon Trinity'')
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire. (''Aeon Trinity'')
1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an
1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text. (''Cyberpunk 2020'')
2206. Create a distraction doesn't mean with walruses trained in ballroom dance.
2475. When told to distract the enemy, they didn't mean with a called shot to their flamethrower.}}
* [[What Did I Do Last Night?]]:
{{quote|597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.
Line 1,415 ⟶ 1,492:
1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use.
1565. Shapechanging is an acceptable super power. Shapechanging [[Crippling Overspecialization|only into the '93 San Diego Padres is not.]] }}
* [[Whip It Good]]:
{{quote|
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip. (''D&D 3.5'')
596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them. (''D&D 3.5'')
730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip. (''Adventure'')
1648. Even if we are playing in the old west, can't spend all my money on leather, whips and barbed wire. (''Deadlands'')
2116. One does not just 'whip up' a priestess of Loviator. (''D&D 3.5'')
2494. Gaining weapon mastery in the whip and earning a venomous snake as my animal companion are mutually exclusive achievements.}}
* [[Whoring]] / [[Crippling Overspecialization]]:
{{quote|
Line 1,425 ⟶ 1,509:
* [[With Catlike Tread]]:
{{quote|1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.
1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops.
2475. When told to distract the enemy, they didn't mean with a called shot to their flamethrower.}}
* [[Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds]]:
{{quote|1751. [[Dragonlance|Lord Soth]] just does not need a hug.}}
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