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Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG: Difference between revisions

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Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG (view source)

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Line 136:
798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
1695. Can't [[Truth in Television|load the shotgun just with rock salt]] because I'm feeling mean.
1815. Can't have [[Catapult to Glory|a gun capable of]] [[Fastball Special|using other PC's as ammo]]. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people.
2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers.
Line 239:
1183. No it won’t help if we put a silencer on the bazooka.
1216. I can’t have a gun that treats buildings as light cover.
1265. Heavy bolters don’t come with a pistol grip. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1587. There is no way the [[Mage: The Ascension|Iteration X mage]] is going to make it through airport security.
1598. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative.
Line 250:
{{quote|312. I am not the son, father, husband, ex-roommate, former professor or retired garbage man of the villain.
1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person.
1810. Even if the rules allow it, can't be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
}}
* [[Biggus Dickus]]: Possibly implied.
Line 444:
{{quote|
580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn't very practical. }}
* [[Dungeon Bypass]]: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to...
Line 539:
* [[Fat Bastard]]:
{{quote|53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.}}
* [[Follow the Leader]]: Similar in style to ''[[Skippy's List|Skippys List]]'' of the "[https://web.archive.org/web/20131109164111/http://skippyslist.com/list/ 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army]", though Mr. Welch has claimed repeatedly the resemblance was not intentional. This list has also inspired people to make threads in forums, which are quickly filled up by other people being [[The Loonie]].
** [http://axelslist.blogspot.com/ This blog] is a variant containing things that have one of the aforementioned inspired people wrote, specifically referencing Mr. Welch and Skippy.
* [[Football Hooligans]]:
Line 556:
== G ==
* [[Gag Boobs]]:
{{quote|1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1. (''D&D 3.0'')}}
* [[Game Breaker]]: Numerous times In-Universe.
{{quote|69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. (''D&D 3.0'')
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'') }}
* [[Gangsta Style]]: The page quote.
{{quote|1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check. (''D&D 3.0'')}}
* [[Gaslighting]]"
{{quote|1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies. (''D&D 3.0'')
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things.}}
* [[Gatling Good]]:
Line 578:
{{quote|1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out.}}
* [[A God Is You]]:
{{quote|158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. (''2nd Ed. D&D'')
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
575. Even if I'm a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad's away without permission.
Line 585:
{{quote|1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention.}}
* [[Godzilla Threshold]]: Extra care must be taken not to cross it with this guy around...
{{quote|1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. (''2nd Ed. D&D'')}}
* [[Going Commando]]:
{{quote|88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.}}
Line 593:
967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem. }}
* [[GMPC]]:
{{quote|13. Must not murder canon [[NPC]]s in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are. (''2nd Ed. D&D'')
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super [[NPC]] to foot the bill. (''2nd Ed. D&D'')}}
* [[Gratuitous Disco Sequence]]:
{{quote|43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
Line 601:
* [[Gratuitous Foreign Language]]: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding [[As Long as It Sounds Foreign|gibberish]])...
* [[Grievous Harm with a Body]]:
{{quote|106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. (''2nd Ed. D&D'')
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
Line 608:
1963. If I can't use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that includes beating him against the dwarf. }}
* [[Groin Attack]]:
{{quote|248103. There is no Halflingsuch godthing as a Club +3 of groinCup Checks (''D&D shots3.0'')
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. (''D&D 3.0'')
541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice. (''Cyberpunk 2020'')
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis.
1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if it's just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels.
Line 654 ⟶ 655:
2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.
2196. When listing the advantages of elves to the new player, I will leave off "shatter proof".
2226. The concept of vowels are not alien to dwarves.
2251. No calling a city councilman to settle an argument about dwarves.
2252. When a dwarf goes to the surface for the first time, I can't cast levitate on him.
2254. Covering myself in mud doesn't [[Predator|make me invisible to the elf]].
2274. I am not transelven.
2287. We are not using the dwarf's back hair to make any of the following: rope, sweater, quilt, hot air balloon.
2303. I can't bribe the dwarf with an offer of putting him up for stud.
2373. The name for a group of elves is not the fagot.
2376. The Dwarven work ethic is not just "[[Dug Too Deep|Dig until we hit evil]]."
2388. No matter how high my damage resistance is, I can't name my dwarf [[Meaningful Name|Tanky McTankitytank]].
2390. The plan is not just let the villain beat on the dwarf until his arm gets tired.
2393. The natural enemy of the elf is not the common cold.
2438. Not starting the adventure until we have exactly one elf in the party is not [[Incredibly Lame Pun|Tolkienism]].}}
2461. There is no such thing as the Dwarvish Poetry Guild. }}
* [[Hit Points]]:
{{quote|31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
Line 698 ⟶ 708:
{{quote|73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
524. I will not ask my gun for advice.
1359. I can't call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it's the one that the game suggested. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
2209. My techpriest will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordnance. }}
* [[I Know Your True Name]]:
Line 773 ⟶ 783:
1212. Even if they’d never suspect it, my Jedi can’t have a flamethrower.
1460. Even if the rules allow it, can't fish with a flamethrower.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.<ref>In (''[[Dark Heresy]]'' - )<ref>[[Bifurcated Weapon|Exterminator]] cartridge. They even added errata for this.</ref>
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse.
Line 819 ⟶ 829:
* [[Logic Bomb]]: Back to the genie.
{{quote|199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.'
1871. No tricking the techpriest into dividing by zero. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')}}
* [[The Loonie]]: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition.
{{quote|
Line 845 ⟶ 855:
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')<ref>The result of [[Damage Typing]] and taking damage from failed attempts at medicine</ref>
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber toothed walrus.
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability.
Line 852 ⟶ 862:
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of halfings<!-- sic --> in his pack without penalty.
1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster.
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head [[Villainous Demotivator|does not improve morale]]. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists.
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking [[Mad Scientist]].
Line 976 ⟶ 986:
1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to help fill out wikipedia articles.
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed.
1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1568. Werewolves normally do not have access to the 'Sonnet' Specialization.
1621. No using the Reduce spell to only to buy a child's ticket at the movies.
Line 1,138 ⟶ 1,148:
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place.
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer.<ref>Explanation: in (''[[Dark Heresy]]'' series)<ref>Explanation: "Mono" upgrade originally applied to "any close combat weapon". The errata fixed this to «primitive close combat weapon» (i.e. not chainswords, shock staves, etc) and «may be applied to any melee weapon, but when applied to close-combat weapons that do not use an edge (e.g., hammers, mauls, etc.) it is defined differently. […] For example, a hammer with the Mono upgrade is defined as having a pneumo-shock enhancement. The in-game effects remain the same».</ref> }}
* [[Recoil Boost]]:
{{quote|
Line 1,266 ⟶ 1,276:
1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "[[Monkey Island|How appropriate]], [[You Fight Like a Cow]]".
1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops [[Operation Mindcrime|Operation: Mimecrime]].
1356. Before we start, let's make sure whether everybody blows up if I [[Dune|shoot a shield]] with a lasgun. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|his dire tiger green and orange]].
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should [[The Wizard of Oz|drop a house on the witch.]]
Line 1,358 ⟶ 1,368:
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A.
1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. (''[[Dark Heresy]]'')
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill.
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment.
Line 1,456 ⟶ 1,466:
* [[We Need a Distraction]]: Greatly limited.
{{quote|
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. (''D&D 3.5'')
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing. (''D&D 3.0'')
739. Can't make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first. (''Cyberpunk 2020'')
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building. (''Cyberpunk 2020'')
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks. (''Cyberpunk 2020'')
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him. (''Aeon Trinity'')
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire. (''Aeon Trinity'')
1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an aztecAztec bar mitzvah. (''D&D 3.5'')
1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text. (''Cyberpunk 2020'')
22062183. CreateDistract athe distractionbad doesn'tguy does not mean with walrusesa trainedcalled inshot ballroomto dance.his }}appendix.
2206. Create a distraction doesn't mean with walruses trained in ballroom dance.
2475. When told to distract the enemy, they didn't mean with a called shot to their flamethrower.}}
* [[What Did I Do Last Night?]]:
{{quote|597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.
Line 1,480 ⟶ 1,492:
1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use.
1565. Shapechanging is an acceptable super power. Shapechanging [[Crippling Overspecialization|only into the '93 San Diego Padres is not.]] }}
* [[Whip It Good]]: ''Not'' the [[Weapon of Choice]] of the Goddess of Marriage.
{{quote|
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip. (''D&D 3.5'')
596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them. (''D&D 3.5'')
730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip. (''Adventure'')
1648. Even if we are playing in the old west, can't spend all my money on leather, whips and barbed wire. (''Deadlands'')
2116. One does not just 'whip up' a priestess of Loviator. (''D&D 3.5'')
2494. Gaining weapon mastery in the whip and earning a venomous snake as my animal companion are mutually exclusive achievements.}}
* [[Whoring]] / [[Crippling Overspecialization]]:
{{quote|
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