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Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG: Difference between revisions
Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG (view source)
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1902. Playing a Gamorrian doesn't violate anybody's religion. }}
* [[Aint No Rule]]: Mr. Welch loves to try this. The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules. <ref>Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.</ref>
{{quote|
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.<br />
311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.<br />
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.<br />
Line 65 ⟶ 66:
1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence. }}
* [[Ambiguous Gender]] / [[Elfeminate]]:
{{quote|
550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.<br />
1207. There is no such thing as "ambiguously elven".<br />
1218. Elves do not have to go to the bathroom in groups.<br />
Line 79 ⟶ 81:
{{quote| 1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual.}}
* [[Attack Its Weak Point]]:
{{quote|
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.<br />
388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.<br />
517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.<br />
Line 94 ⟶ 97:
1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker. }}
* [[Ax Crazy]]: On a number of occasions.
{{quote|
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.<br />
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in [[Chainsaw Good|chainsaw]] is vetoed.<br />
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.<br />
Line 115 ⟶ 119:
{{quote| 1369. Elves do too have [[Nipple-and-Dimed|nipples]].}}
* [[Battle Cry]]:
{{quote|
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer 40000|Good for the Good God]]".<br />
74. My thief's battle cry is not "[[Dirty Coward|Run And Live]]".<br />
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps".<br />
Line 128 ⟶ 133:
* [[Beethoven Was an Alien Spy]]
{{quote| 1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peak at the future. [[Noodle Incident|Again.]]}}
* [[BFG]]:
{{quote|
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.<br />
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.<br />
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.<br />
Line 152 ⟶ 158:
{{quote| 1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.}}
* [[Blatant Lies]]:
{{quote|
1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell.<br />
1179. No matter how well I make my bluff check, the Star Destroyer crew isn't going to believe I'm the new captain.<br />
1818. Can't make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him.<br />
Line 159 ⟶ 166:
{{quote| 616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.}}
* [[Bondage Is Bad]]:
{{quote|
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.<br />
302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.<br />
1904. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing spells and buying gear, not coming up with a [[Safe Word|safety word.]] }}
Line 169 ⟶ 177:
{{quote| 1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check.}}
* [[Brick Joke]]
{{quote|
502. If my name isn't [[Transformers|Grimlock]], can't start every sentence with "[[Hulk Speak|Me Grimlock]]".<br />
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.<br />
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.<br />
Line 206 ⟶ 215:
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not [[Gears of War|a substitute for a bayonet]]. }}
* [[Character Alignment]]: .
{{quote|
122. The paladin's alignment is not [[Lawful Stupid|Lawful Anal]].<br />
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.<br />
413. The [[Chaotic Neutral]] alignment [[Chaotic Stupid|is forever closed to me]].<br />
Line 224 ⟶ 234:
{{quote| 61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.}}
* [[Combat Medic]]: Plan A — don't get hurt.
{{quote|
233. If I am the medtech [[Not That Kind of Doctor|it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine]].<br />
271. [[Instant Drama Just Add Tracheotomy|Tracheotomies]] are best left to characters with skills in medicine.<br />
498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood.<br />
Line 230 ⟶ 241:
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks. }}
* [[Combat Pragmatist]]:
{{quote|
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.<br />
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.<br />
363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.<br />
Line 258 ⟶ 270:
{{quote| 940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.}}
* [[Cutting the Knot]]: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw.
{{quote|
367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.<br />
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.<br />
417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.<br />
Line 468 ⟶ 481:
* [[Hulk Speak]]: Banned
{{quote| 502. If my name isn't [[Transformers|Grimlock]], can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock".<br />
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
* [[Human Shield]]:
{{quote| 376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech.<br />
Line 497 ⟶ 510:
{{quote| 855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.}}
* [[Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy]]:
{{quote|
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.<br />
431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot."}}
* [[Impossibly Cool Weapon]]:
{{quote| 1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages.}}
* [[Improbable Weapon User]] / [[Improvised Weapon]]:
{{quote|
425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.<br />
1680. The point of the Improvised Weapon Skill is not to see how many different things I can kill people with.<br />
1915. The following are not acceptable specialties for a weapon master: Mustard Gas, Cheese Grater, Sardonicism. }}
Line 508 ⟶ 524:
786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet. }}
* [[Incredibly Lame Pun]]: Guilty so many times.
{{quote|
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond".<br />
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.<br />
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach".<br />
Line 524 ⟶ 541:
* [[It Makes Sense in Context]]: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example:
{{quote| 346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.}}
** Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. And theoretically compatible "d20 Future".
* [[Jackass Genie]]:
{{quote| 568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.'}}
Line 544 ⟶ 561:
{{quote| 262. [[Railroading|When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.]]}}
* [[Lawful Stupid Chaotic Stupid]]: He tries to make up his own alignments, but gets turned down each time. Most of the time, though, [[Chaotic Stupid]] describes him ''far'' too well...
{{quote|
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.<br />
445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with "a little less lawful, a little more good."<br />
651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.<br />
Line 563 ⟶ 581:
{{quote| 199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.'}}
* [[The Loonie]]: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition.
{{quote|
1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at [[Vampire: The Masquerade|Malkavians]], [[Dungeons and Dragons|kobolds]] or [[Dragonlance|kender]]. [[In and Out of Character|Or their players.]]<br />
1385. Even if I couldn't attend the session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault.<br />
1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing." }}
Line 574 ⟶ 593:
61. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language. }}
* [[Loveable Sex Maniac]]: Quite possibly Welch himself, given the number of sex-related things.
{{quote|
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.<br />
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.<br />
661. The line on my character sheet for 'Sex' is not for keeping score.<br />
Line 580 ⟶ 600:
1240. No matter what the dice say, I didn’t just seduce [[Street Fighter II|Chun Li. And Cammy.]] }}
* [[Ludicrous Gibs]]:
{{quote|
510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.<br />
1662. No starting a mosh pit in a leper colony.<br />
1690. I don't get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression.<br />
Line 587 ⟶ 608:
{{quote| 1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves.}}
* [[Make a Wish]]: Not with this guy.
{{quote|
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'.<br />
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."<br />
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.<br />
Line 606 ⟶ 628:
1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes. }}
* [[Make Wrong What Once Went Right]]:
{{quote|
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.<br />
1511. No using the time machine to set the "Star Spangled Banner" to anything by White Zombie.<br />
1634. If it's revealed Shakespeare was the author of Funky Cold Medina my time machine privileges are revoked.<br />
Line 622 ⟶ 645:
{{quote| 1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer.}}
* [[The Minion Master]]:
{{quote|
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.<br />
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.<br />
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.<br />
Line 635 ⟶ 659:
{{quote| 932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me.}}
* [[More Dakka]]:
{{quote|
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.<br />
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.<br />
557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it.<br />
Line 653 ⟶ 678:
{{quote| 1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.}}
* [[Mundane Utility]]:
{{quote|
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.<br />
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.<br />
544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.<br />
Line 671 ⟶ 697:
{{quote| 141. My maid does not [[I Know Karate|know kung fu]].}}
* [[Noodle Incident]] / [[Noodle Implements]]: ''All the time.''
{{quote|
63. No, I cannot buy [[Animal House|10,000 marbles even if I say please]].<br />
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.<br />
101. I am not allowed to pave ''anything''.<br />
Line 688 ⟶ 715:
1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter how much I pray. }}
* [[Off the Rails]]: He's tried. The DMs don't like it.
{{quote|
38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.<br />
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.<br />
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.<br />
Line 707 ⟶ 735:
1534. I will raise my hand if I've already heard the DM's riddle. }}
* [[Our Gnomes Are Weirder]]: His are much, much weirder.
{{quote|
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'.<br />
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.<br />
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'.<br />
Line 718 ⟶ 747:
1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods. }}
* [[Overused Copycat Character]]: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these.
{{quote|
13. Must not murder canon [[NPC|NPCs]] in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.<br />
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.<br />
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7. }}
Line 744 ⟶ 774:
{{quote| 1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, [[wikipedia:Silver halide|no matter what we all know it's made out of.]]}}
* [[Power Perversion Potential]]:
{{quote|
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.<br />
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.<br />
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.<br />
Line 786 ⟶ 817:
{{quote| 526. If an [[NPC]] is known as the "One," I cannot volunteer to be the "Two."}}
* [[Sanity Meter]]:
{{quote|
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.<br />
829. Despite the song's claim, [[Rocky Horror Picture Show|a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss]].<br />
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.<br />
Line 798 ⟶ 830:
{{quote| 339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter."}}
* [[Screw You, Elves]]: Mr. Welch seems to relish in tormenting the pointy-eared folk and their players.
{{quote|
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.<br />
89. The elf's name is not [[Bored of the Rings|Legolam]].<br />
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.<br />
Line 835 ⟶ 868:
{{quote| 1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens.}}
* [[Shotguns Are Just Better]]:
{{quote|
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.<br />
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.<br />
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.<br />
Line 841 ⟶ 875:
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns. }}
* [[Shout-Out]]: TONS of these.
{{quote|
25. The green elf [[Gauntlet (1985 video game)|does not need food badly]].<br />
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to [[Knights of the Dinner Table|sit on the same side of the table]].<br />
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer 40000|Good for the Good God]]".<br />
Line 884 ⟶ 919:
{{quote| 16. I will not beat [[Tomb of Horrors]] in less than 10 minutes from memory.<br />
1213. No, we can't see if the party can beat Temple of Elemental Evil in under an hour. }}
* [[Spare Body Parts]]: Denied.
{{quote| 68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.}}
* [[STD Immunity]]:
Line 893 ⟶ 928:
{{quote| 15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.<br />
1925. Can't disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me. }}
* [[Subverted Rhyme Every Occasion]]
{{quote| 46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.}}
* [[Summon Bigger Fish]]:
Line 917 ⟶ 952:
{{quote| 1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.}}
* [[There Is No Kill Like Overkill]]:
{{quote|
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.<br />
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.<br />
808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.<br />
Line 950 ⟶ 986:
{{quote| 1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.}}
* [[Un Entendre]]:
{{quote|
472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf", I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.<br />
555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm.<br />
1875. Before I make the seduction check, I will reread the description of the swinging knack. }}
* [[The Unpronouncable]]
{{quote|
459. The [[Vampire: The Masquerade|vampire clan]] with vicissitude is not pronounced 'Karl'.<br />
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.<br />
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce. }}
Line 964 ⟶ 1,002:
{{quote| 26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.}}
* [[Vampire Hunter]]: He hunts bloodsuckers with extreme prejudice, it seems.
{{quote|
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.<br />
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.<br />
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.<br />
Line 979 ⟶ 1,018:
1851. Can't use woodchippers as shotguns against vampires. }}
* [[Verbal Tic]]:
{{quote|
478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word "Ariba!"<br />
502. If my character is not named "[[Transformers|Grimlock]]," I cannot start every sentence with "[[Hulk Speak|Me Grimlock!]]"<br />
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. }}
Line 989 ⟶ 1,029:
{{quote| 313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.}}
* [[Wasteful Wishing]]: Over a dozen, including:
{{quote|
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."<br />
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.<br />
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish".<br />
Line 1,001 ⟶ 1,042:
{{quote| 206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.}}
* [[We Need a Distraction]]: Greatly limited.
{{quote|
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal.<br />
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.<br />
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.<br />
Line 1,012 ⟶ 1,054:
654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me. }}
* [[Whatevermancy]]:
{{quote|
334. Pinball is not a specialization [[The Who|for wizards]].<br />
578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.<br />
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats. }}
* [[What Kind of Lame Power Is Heart, Anyway?]]:
{{quote|
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.<br />
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed.<br />
1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use.<br />
Line 1,022 ⟶ 1,066:
* [[Whip It Good]]: ''Not'' the [[Weapon of Choice]] of the Goddess of Marriage.
* [[Whoring]] / [[Crippling Overspecialization]]:
{{quote|
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.<br />
381. Min/Max for combat{{=}}good. Min/Max for accounting{{=}}bad.<br />
1195. I will not min/max the appraise skill just to clean up on ''[[The Price Is Right]]''.<br />
Line 1,038 ⟶ 1,083:
1688. Just because he starts every game in a tavern doesn't mean the Barbarian needs rehab. }}
* [[You Can Leave Your Hat On]]:
{{quote|
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast.<br />
739. Can't make the Black Ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.<br />
814. Sending the villain a [[Inhumanly Beautiful Race|Nymph]] stripper only [[Brown Note|works]] once.<br />
1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it's true. }}
* [[You Can't Thwart Stage One]]:
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