Top Gear/Funny: Difference between revisions

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== Series 1 ==

* In the fifth episode of the first season, when Jeremy tried to program numbers into the telephone located on the newest (at the time) Mercedes S-Class.

{{quote| '''Car:''' Dial Number~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Car:''' Dial Number

'''Clarkson:''' No, don't dial that. I don't know who it is, it might be the Queen. }}

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* Series 4, Episode 6: Hammond harvests methane from cow manure to run a Rover - which then loses a drag race to a petrol Rover ''and'' a "human poo" methane Rover. After which James May gets out a calculator and starts calculating to see if it'll really save money as Richard tries to convince him [[I Was Just Joking|it was a just a joke]].

** After Hammond has convinced May that the cow program was a joke, and wouldn't work:

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== Series 6 ==

* Series 6, Episode 4: James May's advertisement for a used BMW, written purely in classified-car-ad abbreviations.

{{quote| '''Clarkson:''' ...The essence of it is that, from now on, small car ads are going to be impossible. We're not going to know what on earth they're written about.~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Clarkson:''' ...The essence of it is that, from now on, small car ads are going to be impossible. We're not going to know what on earth they're written about.

'''May:''' I've written one, for a BMW. "For sale, BMW 528. 19k, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC, £15,000."<ref>As far as [[User:Robin Zimm]]'s research can tell: DSC & DTC are two proprietary BMW traction control systems, Dynamic Stability Control and Dynamic Traction Control; PDC is Park Distance Control; EBD is Electronic Brakeforce Distribution; ABS is Antilock Brake System; ICE is In-Car Entertainment; OBC is On-Board Computer; AAC is probably Advanced Audio Coding - .m4a music files; PAS is probably Progressive Activity Sedan, another BMW proprietary idea; FSH is Full Service History; TNT is Taxed aNd Tested; VGC is Very Good Condition; and 19k is the mileage. BMW 528 is, of course, a model number of a Bayerische Motoren Werke AG (Bavarian Motor Works) 5-series (E39) from 1995-2000 with the 2.8 litre inline-six engine.</ref>

'''May:''' I've written one, for a BMW. "For sale, BMW 528. 19k, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC, £15,000."<ref>As far as [[User:Robin Zimm]]'s research can tell: DSC & DTC are two proprietary BMW traction control systems, Dynamic Stability Control and Dynamic Traction Control; PDC is Park Distance Control; EBD is Electronic Brakeforce Distribution; ABS is Antilock Brake System; ICE is In-Car Entertainment; OBC is On-Board Computer; AAC is probably Advanced Audio Coding - .m4a music files; PAS is probably Progressive Activity Sedan, another BMW proprietary idea; FSH is Full Service History; TNT is Taxed aNd Tested; VGC is Very Good Condition; and 19k is the mileage. BMW 528 is, of course, a model number of a Bayerische Motoren Werke AG (Bavarian Motor Works) 5-series (E39) from 1995-2000 with the 2.8 litre inline-six engine.</ref>

[''general laughter.'']~~ ~~

[''general laughter.'']

'''Hammond:''' Nice.~~ ~~

'''Hammond:''' Nice.

'''May:''' "ONO." <ref>And ONO is Or Near Offer.</ref> }}

** And, before that, there's the conversation about Jeremy Clarkson's [[Cool Car|Ford GT]], that he had just gotten the previous week. Or, to be more specific, Jeremy Clarkson's [[The Alleged Car|Ford GT]], that [[My Car Hates Me|he had just gotten the previous week]]. ''[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnUPS3sLXhQ Classic].''

* An episode has Hammond, Clarkson and May's mothers testing three cars. Cue the usual sequence of senior citizens knowing nothing about advanced car mechanics ... except when [[Badass Grandpa|Mrs. May]] starts discussing her dislike of low-profile tires as they generate more noise when driving. The expression on James' face was ''priceless''

** Not to mention the fact that ''Captain Slow's'' mom of all people has gotten two speeding tickets.

** Then there's James' claim that its her driving style that traumatized him at an early age.

* When Clarkson interviewed [[Christopher Eccleston]], they got into a brief argument about who was [[Oop North|more Northern]]:

{{quote| '''Eccleston:''' Well, you don't really count, Jeremy: you're from Yorkshire. You're actually part sheep.}}

{{quote|'''Eccleston:''' Well, you don't really count, Jeremy: you're from Yorkshire. You're actually part sheep.}}

== Series 7 ==

* Hammond's car in the Budget Supercars challenge in Series 7 was a yellow Ferrari 308 -- a model which was originally sold as a Dino. Clarkson spends the whole series pronouncing it "not a Ferrari" while Hammond insists that it is ... and then [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSQENCXWHXc Clarkson combines it with Hammond's long-term Berserk Button about getting his teeth whitened]:

{{quote| '''Hammond:''' ...and so far we've learnt that James's Lamborghini is rubbish, Jeremy's Maserati is slow, and my Ferrari is...~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Hammond:''' ...and so far we've learnt that James's Lamborghini is rubbish, Jeremy's Maserati is slow, and my Ferrari is...

'''Clarkson:''' Is not a Ferrari.~~ ~~

'''Clarkson:''' Is not a Ferrari.

'''Hammond:''' It ''is!''~~ ~~

'''Hammond:''' It ''is!''

'''Clarkson:''' It is not a Ferrari -- Teeth, be quiet!~~ ~~

'''Clarkson:''' It is not a Ferrari -- Teeth, be quiet!

'''Hammond:''' [[Angrish|It -- I -- It]] ''[[Angrish|is]]'' [[Angrish|a--]]

'''Clarkson:''' Let's get back to the action! }}

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** Or as Biggles and Algy or as [[Top Gun|Maverick and Iceman]]

* In Series 7, Episode 3, Clarkson annouced to the audience that [[Top Gear]] has won an Emmy Award for Best Non-Scripted Entertainment Show Not Made in America. Then Hammond asks Clarkson why he didn't go along to the ceremony to pick it up in person.

{{quote| '''Clarkson:''' Well, 'cause I was writing the script for this week's show.}}

{{quote|'''Clarkson:''' Well, 'cause I was writing the script for this week's show.}}

* In Series 7, Episode 5, Hammond and May reach the end of the race between their Cessna 182 plane and Clarkson's Bugatti Veyron, and enter the restaurant serving as their meeting place. They initially think that they won... until they find Clarkson tucked in the far back, behind a wall. May's reaction is priceless.

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*** Immediately followed, of course, by {{spoiler|a bit of the old Scandinavian ''flip'' as he puts it right on its side.}}

* May races a pair of free runners through Liverpool. He thinks he's won, is giving his victory speech and then he looks up at the clock tower... {{spoiler|to see the free-runners have climbed almost to the very top of it.}}

* The [http://www.topgear.com/uk/videos/camp-fire?VideoBrowserMode=categories&VideoCategory=OtherStuff caravan holiday], even before Clarkson set their caravan on fire.

{{quote| '''Clarkson''': It's not a pan fire anymore, it's a ''van'' fire.}}

{{quote|'''Clarkson''': It's not a pan fire anymore, it's a ''van'' fire.}}

** That [[Ho Yay|one segment]] after the train was heard in the distance made this troper almost cry laughing.

** More minor one here, but also in the same segment. Despite being bored, the three guys try there best to have some fun in the caravan site, so they head off to engage in some twitching... Top Gear Style.

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* Hammond's return to the show after his life-threatening accident: Awesome. Getting a bearhug from Clarkson on stage: Heartwarming. Negotiating a jetway flanked by showgirls to the tune of "Upside Down": Priceless.

* Stolen directly from [[Top Gear/Quotes|the quotes page]], from Episode 1, after viewing the footage shot of Hammond's successful runs in the Vampire dragster:

{{quote| '''Hammond:''' We weren't trying to set records, I just wanted to go really, really fast.~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Hammond:''' We weren't trying to set records, I just wanted to go really, really fast.

'''Clarkson:''' So you did 314 [mph]?~~ ~~

'''Clarkson:''' So you did 314 [mph]?

'''Hammond:''' Yeah.~~ ~~

'''Hammond:''' Yeah.

'''Clarkson:''' And you wanted to know what it was like to go really fast?~~ ~~

'''Clarkson:''' And you wanted to know what it was like to go really fast?

'''Hammond:''' Yeah.~~ ~~

'''Hammond:''' Yeah.

'''Clarkson:''' So you'd found out. Why didn't you just get into your car and go home?~~ ~~

'''Clarkson:''' So you'd found out. Why didn't you just get into your car and go home?

[''Hammond looks sheepish.'']~~ ~~

[''Hammond looks sheepish.'']

'''Hammond:''' I don't know really. The thing is, that run that you just saw, that was at 5 o'clock, and we had the runway until 5:30, and...~~ ~~

'''Hammond:''' I don't know really. The thing is, that run that you just saw, that was at 5 o'clock, and we had the runway until 5:30, and...

[''general laughter.''] }}

* The scene in the tractor episode where Richard Hammond is trying to round up a field of sheep.

** From the same episode...

{{quote| '''Clarkson''': [''chasing after May with a pitchfork''] May, you're gonna die! I'm gonna feed you into your own machine!}}

{{quote|'''Clarkson''': [''chasing after May with a pitchfork''] May, you're gonna die! I'm gonna feed you into your own machine!}}

** The "Starship Enterplough" crack from Clarkson about Hammond's machine had this troper in utter hysterics.

* The expressions of Richard Hammond and James May during the successful launch of [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b4WzWFKQ20 a Reliant Robin they had turned into a Space Shuttle]...{{spoiler|followed shortly by their expressions when the failure of an explosive bolt led to the creation of a large crater in the English countryside.}}

{{quote| '''May''': {{spoiler|That's why--..}}~~ ~~

{{quote|'''May''': {{spoiler|That's why--..}}

'''Hammond''': ''{{spoiler|How are you gonna use it again?!}}'' }}

* Everything about the series nine episode where they go to Scotland, play golf (and get thrown off the course), and try to convince some modern art critics why their cars should considered works of art.

** James calls Richard's Mazda "chintzy" and looks like a golfer's car, so Richard gets his golf bag and dumps all of his clubs out.

{{quote| '''James:''' Now that's just childish! And doesn't solve the argument!}}

{{quote|'''James:''' Now that's just childish! And doesn't solve the argument!}}

** At the Gallery of Modern Art in Edinburgh:

{{quote| '''Jeremy:''' Richard, you went to art college, you should be good at this!~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Jeremy:''' Richard, you went to art college, you should be good at this!

'''Richard:''' If you've ever been to art college, you would know that what you do there is drink and pursue women! }}

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** And don't miss the lead-in: May presenting [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNyidq8iWD4 alternate uses for tampons], Hamster getting [[Squick|Squicked]] out, and illegal use of kryptonite by Jeremy Clarkson.

* Crossing the English Channel. More specifically, trying to get out of the harbor ''into'' the English Channel.

{{quote| '''Hammond''': I can just see sky, sea, sky, ''SEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA''!!!}}

{{quote|'''Hammond''': I can just see sky, sea, sky, ''SEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA''!!!}}

* During the race across London: Jeremy Clarkson calls [[The Voiceless|the Stig]] to check on his progress.

** To clarify, Stig stares at his ringing phone like it's a bomb about to go off. The fact his ringtone is the ''[[Coronation Street]]'' theme makes it doubly funny. The episode also "reveals" that The Stig sees every vehicle as a car, and is confused by most mundane actions such as reading the paper.

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* ''[[Top Gear]]'' did a challenge on [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtTnfFH2Hjc alternative] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwoUxeTWsA police cars] that forced [[User:Silent Hunter|this troper]] to leave the room for a bit to recover.

** High points included the sirens (James May's ice cream truck, at one point playing the ''[[Monty Python's Flying Circus]]'' theme); the effects of Clarkson's [[Spiked Wheels|Boadicea wheels]] on handling (Hammond: "I'm hearing a lot of noise but not a lot of movement; it's very much like Jeremy, that car"); James May in a hot pursuit situation (Clarkson: "How long have you got until you have to go home tonight?"), and then everyone's car-stopping techniques backfiring spectacularly:

{{quote| '''Clarkson, narrating''': Sadly, there was one invention James hadn't considered. (The Stig turns on the wipers to remove May's layer of paint)~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Clarkson, narrating''': Sadly, there was one invention James hadn't considered. (The Stig turns on the wipers to remove May's layer of paint)

...~~ ~~

...

(Hammond's doormat-and-nail construction fails to stop, or for that matter reach, the Stig's BMW)~~ ~~

(Hammond's doormat-and-nail construction fails to stop, or for that matter reach, the Stig's BMW)

'''James May''': Oh dear, he's gone round it. (Cracks up)~~ ~~

'''James May''': Oh dear, he's gone round it. (Cracks up)

...~~ ~~

...

'''Hammond''': (watching the Boadiceas in action) I presume at some point there's going to be a simply ''hideous'' accident.~~ ~~

'''Hammond''': (watching the Boadiceas in action) I presume at some point there's going to be a simply ''hideous'' accident.

(Clarkson's [[Free Wheel|wheel comes off]])

'''Clarkson''': Something's gone wrong with the handling! }}

* Season 11, Episode 5, the [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVDKztQ-n1U Old Car Challenges]: James May's response [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVDKztQ-n1U#t=01m56s when Jeremy Clarkson showed his automatic boot lid]. One of the finest moments of [[Deadpan Snarker|Deadpan Snarkery]] [[User:Robin Zimm|this troper]] has ever seen.

** I'm partial to them racing their cars... by pushing them.

{{quote| ''* Clarkson and May attempt to push their cars, with no success* ''~~ ~~

{{quote|''* Clarkson and May attempt to push their cars, with no success* ''

Several days later~~ ~~

Several days later

''* The cars start to move* '' }}

** Clarkson spends most of the challenge claiming that his horn is incredibly loud. When May causes a bunch of other drivers to start honking their horns at him, Clarkson finally proves that he wasn't kidding. It gets them kicked out of the parking garage and ''can be heard from across the city''.

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* Who could forget the Lorry challenge? Far too many funny moments to list.

** At the start of that episode, well...

{{quote| Tonight, James races a man in wellies, Richard crashes some motorhomes, and I [[Stuff Blowing Up|close down Manchester Airport.]]}}

{{quote|Tonight, James races a man in wellies, Richard crashes some motorhomes, and I [[Stuff Blowing Up|close down Manchester Airport.]]}}

** And from that same challenge, how they [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj_rPSgTPSY#t=2m51 decorated said lorries].

* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDlMLqdvHzI The V8 Meat Blender. ]

{{quote| '''May''': I've got the name for it: the Bloody Awful!}}

** Not to mention the V8 rocking chair later in the same season. When Clarkson fires it up, the shop mannequin being used as a test subject falls apart, followed by the chair itself, in less than five seconds. Clarkson declares the test a failure... because the engine noise would make it impossible for the person in the chair to hear the television.

*** The best part of this one is probably seeing Jeremy and Richard ''struggling'' not to corpse in the immediate aftermath.

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*** "I am now breaking the speed limit, INDOORS!"

*** Even funnier with the Beach assault. Especially when the Royal Marines beach, to the soundtrack of the [[Crowning Music of Awesome|1812 Overture]], complete with explosions filled in where the original piece was [[What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?|supposed to have cannons]]. It provides such gems as :

{{quote| '''[[Deadpan Snarker|Jeremy Clarkson]]''': "The kids are being annoying, ''shoot them.''

{{quote|'''[[Deadpan Snarker|Jeremy Clarkson]]''': "The kids are being annoying, ''shoot them.''

'''[[Deadpan Snarker|Jeremy Clarkson]]''': "Ah look at that!" ''points downward.'' "The smoke grenades fit perfectly in the cupholders!" }}

*** "Is it green?" "Yes. Very." Over a shot of a green Ford Fiesta.

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** James May being so disgusted with his muscle car (it grows on him later) that he tries to win a motorbike in a Reno casino to ride instead...while American bystanders ask him if he's from Australia. (It's something of a memetic [[Running Gag]] among Britons that Americans will always assume any British accent other than an old-fashioned BBC English one is Australian instead).

** Partway into the episode, "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers comes onto the radio..better known to fans of the show as [[Theme Tune Cameo|the opening theme.]]

{{quote| '''James''': *points at radio, looks at camera* I wasn't expecting that!~~ ~~

{{quote|'''James''': *points at radio, looks at camera* I wasn't expecting that!

'''Jeremy''': On tonight's program...*laughs* }}

* Jeremy Clarkson's [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYMljuEbiHc interview with Will Young]. That is all. (And frankly, I am disappointed they never did do that show.)

{{quote| '''Clarkson''': Maybe we should start a program.~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Clarkson''': Maybe we should start a program.

'''Young''': "Jeremy and Will Do up Surrey Houses", eh?~~ ~~

'''Young''': "Jeremy and Will Do up Surrey Houses", eh?

'''Clarkson''': Oh, I'd love to do up Surrey houses.~~ ~~

'''Clarkson''': Oh, I'd love to do up Surrey houses.

'''Young''': Us fighting over shagpile carpet. I can see it.~~ ~~

'''Young''': Us fighting over shagpile carpet. I can see it.

'''Clarkson''': I don't like shagpile.~~ ~~

'''Clarkson''': I don't like shagpile.

'''Young''': [''a little too quickly''] Neither do I.~~ ~~

'''Young''': [''a little too quickly''] Neither do I.

[''awkward pause while audience laughs''] }}

** And then when Clarkson is trying to decide how to mark the strip for the track condition:

{{quote| '''Clarkson''': I'll put a D on it. Or an M. Which do you want: do you want a 'moist' or a 'damp'?~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Clarkson''': I'll put a D on it. Or an M. Which do you want: do you want a 'moist' or a 'damp'?

[''beat'']~~ ~~

[''beat'']

[''general laughter'']~~ ~~

[''general laughter'']

'''Young''' [''shaking his head'']: We got to do that show, you know, it'll be brilliant. }}

** Add to that all the times Richard's teased Jeremy about it.

* The expressions on poor [[Formula One|Mika Häkkinen's]] face when James May drove him around Finland.

* Episode 1: the road test of the Porsche GT2.

{{quote| '''Clarkson''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!}}

{{quote|'''Clarkson''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!}}

* Also in the first episode, Clarkson made a [[Too Soon]] joke about truck drivers killing prostitutes (an allusion to [[wikipedia:Steve Wright (serial killer)|a serial killer recently in the news]]) and received [[Dude, Not Funny|quite a lot of complaints]]. So, naturally, in the news from the next episode:

{{quote| '''Clarkson:''' Now, the time has come, I fear. Lots of complaints after last week's program - Internet kind of awash with hate, people demanding an apology - and I am only too happy to give one. I am very sorry that I didn't put the [Porsche] GT2's time on the board ... [''laughter''] ... really, I don't know what to say.}}

{{quote|'''Clarkson:''' Now, the time has come, I fear. Lots of complaints after last week's program - Internet kind of awash with hate, people demanding an apology - and I am only too happy to give one. I am very sorry that I didn't put the [Porsche] GT2's time on the board ... [''laughter''] ... really, I don't know what to say.}}

* The Race to Blackpool, where the presenters have to drive all the way from Basel in Switzerland, whoever gets there first gets to turn on the Blackpool Illuminations but they have to ration their fuel to make sure they make it, and if none of them arrive then the Stig is on hand to do it in their place...

** Clarkson declares the whole thing impossible and gets a fuel-thirsty Jaguar with the intention of running out of fuel outside his front door in the Cotswolds. {{spoiler|He not only reaches Blackpool but with petrol left in the tank!}}

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*** His guilty look to the camera is the thing that really sells it, though.

** Finally, when they are adding up the totals at the end and May needs 4 points from the judges to win.

{{quote| '''Clarkson''': So if you've got four-- The girls gave you four poi-- they did, didn't they? They did. What did they give you?~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Clarkson''': So if you've got four-- The girls gave you four poi-- they did, didn't they? They did. What did they give you?

'''May''': [''after holding out and looking smug for as long as he can''] Nothing. }}

* Steam train v. car v. motorbike. Captain Slow triumphs!

{{quote| '''May''': [''to an exhausted, soot-covered Clarkson''] You have permission to say "Oh, cock."}}

{{quote|'''May''': [''to an exhausted, soot-covered Clarkson''] You have permission to say "Oh, cock."}}

* The [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLCrwxLzyy0 Return of the Cool Wall]. After one short joke too many, Hammond brings out a scissor lift. Too bad it has an emergency stop button that's easily accessible from the ground....

* 13x01: The belated Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car lap: {{spoiler|"MICHAEL SCHUMACHER IS '''LOST'''!"}}

* The [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtyZnceZVPE second Stephen Fry interview], where Fry shows off his new iPhone application, Grindr, to a mildly [[Squick|Squicked]] but quite amused Clarkson.

{{quote| '''Clarkson''': You can find the nearest cruising homosexual with one of those?}}

{{quote|'''Clarkson''': You can find the nearest cruising homosexual with one of those?}}

* The [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhR4RZXOToA news segment] of Season 13 Episode 1. Just one [[Refuge in Audacity]] moment after another.

{{quote| '''Clarkson''': If you had a pistol, you'd have shot yourself by now?~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Clarkson''': If you had a pistol, you'd have shot yourself by now?

'''May''': Oh, years ago. }}

** '''Note''': Since it [[Gallows Humor|shamelessly jokes about animal cruelty]], it might be a case of [[Dude, Not Funny]] for some.

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*** And Clarkson talking about his cycle thing as Hammond comes round a corner with his electrically-powered skateboard and almost falls off. Then they race and Clarkson almost falls off ''his'' vehicle.

* Also the news section in episode 6, when the Trio suggest useless items to put car-manufacturer-badges on. Jeremy starts off with a plate of vomit (with a BMW badge), Richard suggests a wizard's sleeve... and then James pulls out a ''literal'' pork sword.

{{quote| '''Jeremy''': James, don't do the pork sword. ''(Pulls out a stuffed rooster)'' This cock...~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Jeremy''': James, don't do the pork sword. ''(Pulls out a stuffed rooster)'' This cock...

'''Richard''': Has it got four rings on it?~~ ~~

'''Richard''': Has it got four rings on it?

'''Jeremy''': Yes, it has. ''(Turns it to reveal an Audi badge glued to it)'' }}

* From the Romania trip (looking for the best driving road... [[Catch Phrase|in the world]]). Clarkson gets James an actual Dacia Sandero to drive. It's then wrecked when a semi hits it.

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*** As a former design student Jeremy's 'Mood Room' cracked me up; "Big cats, jet fighters... the actor Peter Bowles."

* The segment of the Twingo Renaultsport 133, which is [[Blatant Lies|done in a serious manner.]] This includes Clarkson making a metaphor about how driving the car is like driving a mosquito (then saying "Not literally" because the segment is for a guy that wrote in about how the show wasn't serious) then Jeremy driving it on a hockey rink in the middle of a team's practice, him trying to catch the ferry by ''jumping'' (and failing miserably) and then the fact that they put a cameraman in the back, who gets abused constantly throughout the time he's in the back. Then there's one question that asks "Is it green?" Jeremy's response?

{{quote| '''Jeremy''': ''(as the camera shows the bright red 133)'' No. It's red.}}

{{quote|'''Jeremy''': ''(as the camera shows the bright red 133)'' No. It's red.}}

** Being a callback to the ''last'' time they did a 'sensible' car test, which involved a (green) Ford Fiesta. And some terrorists. And a shopping centre. And the Marines.

** That's no cameraman they stash in the boot. That's Ross "[[Ultimate Force]]" Kemp!

* Episode 5: Jeremy sprays himself in the face with minicab perfume. "MY EYES!! I'M BLIND!"

* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99Rjbulr8ew This] from Episode 7's news segment.

{{quote| '''James''': Between now and whenever you're watching this, anything could've happened: we might've invented a car that, errr, I dunno, runs on jelly, we might've declare war with France... *[[Slasher Smile]]*}}

{{quote|'''James''': Between now and whenever you're watching this, anything could've happened: we might've invented a car that, errr, I dunno, runs on jelly, we might've declare war with France... *[[Slasher Smile]]*}}

== Series 15 ==

* Season 15 with James' Mercedes that [[Damn You, Muscle Memory!|put first gear and reverse on backwards]], making James back up when he wanted to go forward

{{quote| '''Jeremy''': ''(in a poor German Accent)'' "''Vorwarts!''"~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Jeremy''': ''(in a poor German Accent)'' "''Vorwarts!''"

'''James''': ''(accidentally backing the car up)'' "''Scheisse!''" }}

** This troper as someone who's driven that exact model of car would like to testify that the gears are indeed shit.

* Staying the night in the hotel that now occupies Colditz. Hammond and May stage their own Great Escape.

* Clarkson's look at the Reliant Robin three-wheeler/tribute to South Yorkshire in episode 1 of Series 15. Along with James May possibly setting off the Icelandic volcano.

{{quote| '''Clarkson:''' James, have you been working on any oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico recently?}}

{{quote|'''Clarkson:''' James, have you been working on any oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico recently?}}

** Especially Clarkson crashing a meeting of a Reliant Robin owner's club. Emphasis on 'crashing'.

*** Made better in the next episode, when a Reliant Robin enthusiast sends a letter claiming Clarkson's many crashes and flips are due to his being a terrible driver. The boys accept his challenge and attempt a lap around the studio track in a different Robin only to flip it on the first turn. Who was driving this time? The Stig.

* The Caravan challenge and Jeremy proving [http://www.topgear.com/uk/videos/series-15-episode-4-motorhomes-challenge-part-1?VideoBrowserMode=categories&VideoCategory=Challenges why you shouldn't put a three story building on your car.]

* Episode 4: When Jeremy Clarkson mocks James May for not even passing a bus.

{{quote| '''May:''' That's because, Jeremy, the bus said "Guilford" on the front and that's where I wanted to go.}}

{{quote|'''May:''' That's because, Jeremy, the bus said "Guilford" on the front and that's where I wanted to go.}}

* The British sports cars. Not just the bare-faced lying throughout the show. [[Getting Crap Past the Radar|THAT]] [[Country Matters|anagram....]]

** Having windows that won't shut is a safety feature in a British sports car. As well as the really uncomfortable seats that have you keep on taking breaks.

** The Stig drives his non-British non-sports car into a car wash, and when he comes out he's underwater.

* While Hammond is looking at muscle cars, particularly the Chevy Camaro.

{{quote| '''Hammond''': If you haven't noticed by now, this is Bumblebee from the ''[[Transformers Film Series|Transformers]]'' movies. And any minute now it's going to stand up and throw an oil tanker at my face.}}

{{quote|'''Hammond''': If you haven't noticed by now, this is Bumblebee from the ''[[Transformers Film Series|Transformers]]'' movies. And any minute now it's going to stand up and throw an oil tanker at my face.}}

* While discussing the Stig revealing his identity (which was treated as a [[Face Heel Turn]])

{{quote| '''May:''' Well at least we know now what his real name is. ([[Beat]]) ''Judas Iscariot!''}}

{{quote|'''May:''' Well at least we know now what his real name is. ([[Beat]]) ''Judas Iscariot!''}}

* The Christmas episode, where Jeremy takes the lights out with the little remote control plane, so they light candles to great "romantic" effect, then Hammond lights his notes on fire, Jeremy tries to put it out but instead sets the tree on fire, and then James calmly suggest they "Pour some pussy on it." (Pussy being the name of an energy drink they'd been discussing previously.) How he managed to say that with a straight face is just BEYOND me.

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* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDV6dZaS7U0 Jeremy on helium].

* James May picking up (who he thinks) is Cher in Las Vegas:

{{quote| ''{{[[[Beat]] Long, uncomfortable silence}}]''~~ ~~

{{quote|''{{[[[Beat]] Long, uncomfortable silence}}]''

'''May:''' Er... are... are you a bloke?~~ ~~

'''May:''' Er... are... are you a bloke?

'''Cher {{spoiler|Male Impersonator}}:''' [[Dropped a Bridget On Him|Yeah.]] }}

* In Albania, Jeremy warned that they can't say the word "car" or "peach" because both words are slang for private parts there. Richard decides to play with this.

{{quote| '''Hammond:''': And I have ''never'' experienced a car this big and so powerful.}}

{{quote|'''Hammond:''': And I have ''never'' experienced a car this big and so powerful.}}

== Series 17 ==

* Marauder test drive in Johannesburg:

{{quote| '''Richard:''' ''(driving a humongous military vehicle)'' Oh, that gap's big enough.~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Richard:''' ''(driving a humongous military vehicle)'' Oh, that gap's big enough.

''*Crashes through wall*''~~ ~~

''*Crashes through wall*''

'''Richard:''' Well, it is ''now''. }}

** Try ordering a cheeseburger in one of those bad boys.

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* Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you, [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLp4FhDAfQk The Interceptors!]

* Episode 5: Due to a sports broadcast, the boys have had to cut the broadcast short, to 59 minutes. As the deadline approaches, Jeremy keeps rambling...

{{quote| '''May:''' We really must finish.~~ ~~

{{quote|'''May:''' We really must finish.

'''Clarkson''' What are they going to do? Cut us of- }}

** Even funnier in the original broadcast, since:

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* From the Arctic challenge, one of the trio's guides has his face pixelated. Jeremy repeatedly [[Lampshade Hanging|remarks]] [[Breaking the Fourth Wall|on the effect]].

** James May voicing the opinion of everyone who hates winter:

{{quote| '''James:''' Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to ''push my body to find the limit,'' I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that velcro thing and I hate the stupid truck.}}

{{quote|'''James:''' Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to ''push my body to find the limit,'' I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that velcro thing and I hate the stupid truck.}}

** Soon afterwards, Clarkson commenting to May that this means he's the first person to go to the North Pole ''who didn't want to go''.

** After Clarkson takes advantage of the lack of drink driving laws in international waters, Hammond starts referring to Clarkson and May as "Team G&T" as opposed to his own "Team Dog".

* Let's not forget the American roadtrip episode. All of it.

** Best of all: the Don't Get Shot Or Arrested challenge.

{{quote| '''Clarkson''': James, what I reckon you've done there is, you've killed your friend.~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Clarkson''': James, what I reckon you've done there is, you've killed your friend.

'''Clarkson''': [[Ax Crazy|They've shot their own sign.]] What're they gonna do to us?

'''May''': Here we are, Sweet Home Alabama. (Starts making ricochet noises). }}

* Also the African Roadtrip. '''OLIVER!!!!!'''

** While trying to put a dead horse's head in James' tent, they end up trapped there because a hippo has come into the camp. And then...

{{quote| '''Hammond:''' Hang on- That's ''my'' bag! What is my bag doing in James' tent? ...''This is MY tent!!''}}

{{quote|'''Hammond:''' Hang on- That's ''my'' bag! What is my bag doing in James' tent? ...''This is MY tent!!''}}

** In the episode after that, it's revealed Richard bought "Oliver" and was having "him" shipped to England. The [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7AnfPZcAig following exchange] takes place:

{{quote| '''May''': Are you sure it's not just a typical holiday romance? You'll get him home, and he'll be horrid!~~ ~~

{{quote|'''May''': Are you sure it's not just a typical holiday romance? You'll get him home, and he'll be horrid!

'''Clarkson''': Richard. He only wants a British passport.~~ ~~

'''Clarkson''': Richard. He only wants a British passport.

'''May''': Or an [[wikipedia:MOT test|MoT]].

'''Hammond''': Listen, [[Companion Cube|it's]] ''[[Companion Cube|real!]]'' He [[Cargo Ship|loves me]], and he's coming home! That's a fact. [''audience goes 'awwwwww'''] This is happening.

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** "There's a man over there with the best comb over i've ever seen."

** After Hammond sinks Oliver, he's told it's probably never going to run again. Next morning, Hammond shows up in Oliver, running better than ever. Clarkson and May are at a complete loss for words.

{{quote| '''Clarkson:''' Is that even technically possible?!~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Clarkson:''' Is that even technically possible?!

'''Hammond:''' Probably not. }}

* The Vietnam episode. I couldn't stop laughing even after watching it a third time.

** BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN IN THE USAAAAAAAA

{{quote| '''Clarkson''': Children, if you're watching this at home, and you don't know [[The Vietnam War|why this is inappropriate]], ask your parents.}}

{{quote|'''Clarkson''': Children, if you're watching this at home, and you don't know [[The Vietnam War|why this is inappropriate]], ask your parents.}}

*** Becomes even more funny when one learns the song was an anti-war song that did not portray being born in the USA as a necessarily ''good'' thing.

*** However, the DVD edition uses "The Star-Spangled Banner" instead, so that makes it a little confusing.

** Or more specifically, every single second that Jeremy Clarkson was on a motorbike.

{{quote| '''Jeremy:''' '''''{{smallcaps|I am the most MISERABLE human being ALIVE!!!}}'''''}}

{{quote|'''Jeremy:''' '''''{{smallcaps|I am the most MISERABLE human being ALIVE!!!}}'''''}}

** The [[Running Gag]] of the presenters cheering each other up with "We've bought you ''a present!''" - which inevitably turned out to be something huge, bulky and hard to get on the back of a motorbike.

*** Although after the sheer amount of bonding and hardship they go through, they all seem to get quite depressed when their presents are subsequently ruined, and if that's really a spoiler you haven't been watching this show very long (especially James May) and so there's a quite nice scene where they try and stitch everything back together while on a train. And no, it doesn't really make sense in context either.

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** By the middle as three middle aged English men ride motorcycles through Vietnam in brightly colored suits being comical at every end you'll start to wonder when this episode of Top Gear became a very good [[Wes Anderson]] movie.

** After learning the last part of the challenge where {{spoiler|they have to make their bikes amphibious to reach the finish line.}}

{{quote| '''Clarkson''': How hard can it be?~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Clarkson''': How hard can it be?

'''Hammond''': DON'T SAY THAT! }}

** Jeremy's closing monologue, which ends with most surprising things ever to come out Jeremy's mouth: "Vietnam: You don't know, man! You weren't there!"

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** From the same episode, the opening moments of their first drive through the jungle, complete with [[What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?|dramatic music and exciting action shots]], only for it to stop abruptly because Clarkson forgot his phone at the river bank. {{spoiler|Which was still within literal shouting distance.}} Who knew the Top Gear guys could make the act of drinking water epic?

** ''Even earlier'', Jeremy Clarkson sinking into the river.

{{quote| '''Clarkson''' [''narrating'']: As I sank into the ooze, my colleagues became increasingly concerned.~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Clarkson''' [''narrating'']: As I sank into the ooze, my colleagues became increasingly concerned.

'''Hammond''' [''choking with laughter'']: His plums are in the Amazon, look! }}

** And right at the start, the helicopter shots, with Clarkson's narration.

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** May getting eaten by the tow rope until you relize he's genuinely hurt.

*** The exchange when May joins them again (which also serves as [[Crowning Moment of Heartwarming]] in the usual Top Gear way):

{{quote| '''Jeremy:''' You really are better?~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Jeremy:''' You really are better?

'''James:''' Completely.~~ ~~

'''James:''' Completely.

'''Jeremy:''' Who am I?~~ ~~

'''Jeremy:''' Who am I?

'''James:''' You're a big cock.~~ ~~

'''James:''' You're a big cock.

'''Richard:''' And who am I?~~ ~~

'''Richard:''' And who am I?

'''James:''' Irritating little sod.~~ ~~

'''James:''' Irritating little sod.

'''Richard and Jeremy:''' (happily) He's better. }}

** Jeremy's delusions that he's Jesus Christ in the by the Sea of Galilee. "I've invented swimming!"

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** ...''[[Catch Phrase|in the world.]]''

* This, too, is not technically Top Gear, and not really a moment, but, [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTOfhQ_SZEg everything James May does on that Top Gear Meets Gordon Ramsay's The F-Word special].

{{quote| '''May''': [''to Gordon {{spoiler|after beating him at the recipe challenge}}''] Are you any good at driving?}}

{{quote|'''May''': [''to Gordon {{spoiler|after beating him at the recipe challenge}}''] Are you any good at driving?}}

* The entire Ground Force special. However the best moments have to be the repeated destruction of James' shed, Hammond getting stuck in the concrete, Hammond's jet powered barbecue (which set the shed on fire) and Jeremy's turbocharged water feature. Which exploded, firing off the top bit which predictably took out the green house which happened to be the one thing that actually worked.

* The Winter Olympics episode. Any given challenge (which can be said for the show as a whole), but the biathlon just starts things off. [[A-Team Firing|Jeremy Clarkson. Enough said]].

{{quote| '''May''': The thing about Jeremy's shooting is that you are perfectly safe as long as you are standing right in front of the target.}}

{{quote|'''May''': The thing about Jeremy's shooting is that you are perfectly safe as long as you are standing right in front of the target.}}

** When he has to do the shooting a second time, he claims to know how to fold the seats away, as he has one at home. He winds up having to call his wife for help.

*** And ''then'', once he gets around to the shooting, he claims to have learned his lesson from [[Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy|last time]]. After his attempt to apply [[More Dakka]] with a MP5 submachine gun on full auto, it's revealed that {{spoiler|he ''cut down a tree instead of hitting the targets''.}}

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* When Jeremy turns a car demonstration into a snuff film when he GOES AFTER THE CAMERA CREW. There's then a screen card that says something to the effect of "Due to Compliance issues with the BBC it is now illegal to involve camera crews in stunts".

* One from an episode where Jeremy pits a Range Rover against a tank. During the challenge, he starts leading the tank around a bush (complete with [[Soundtrack Dissonance|waltzing music]]), prompting this line from one of the crew.

{{quote| '''Tank Crewman''': He's turning in circles, the little [[Sound Effect Bleep|* beep* !]]}}

{{quote|'''Tank Crewman''': He's turning in circles, the little [[Sound Effect Bleep|* beep* !]]}}

* The Stig falls asleep on a roller coaster.

* During the Iceland episode: Clarkson referring to Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev as "Reaganchev" and "Gorben" respectively.

Line 427:

* Whenever May yells "Mayday!" during a challenge.

* The team [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ajyIJbk0aU talking trash about Jaguar owners].

{{quote| '''Jeremy''': ...I'm not quite sure how to sum it up, but they're the sort of person who'd go away for the weekend with his wife to a hotel, some romantic place, and spend the entire night flirting outrageously with the waitress, and it's okay because he's got a ''Jaaaaag''. ~~ ~~

{{quote|'''Jeremy''': ...I'm not quite sure how to sum it up, but they're the sort of person who'd go away for the weekend with his wife to a hotel, some romantic place, and spend the entire night flirting outrageously with the waitress, and it's okay because he's got a ''Jaaaaag''.

'''Richard''': Yeah, you can get away with anything. "I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog..." "Oh!!" "...in my ''Jaaaag''." "Oh, well, never mind."~~ ~~

'''Richard''': Yeah, you can get away with anything. "I'm terribly sorry, I ran over your dog..." "Oh!!" "...in my ''Jaaaag''." "Oh, well, never mind."

'''James''': Is it fair to say, do you think, that no ''Jag'' owner is ever entirely trustworthy, but it's in a really nice, likeable way? }}

* The "Master of the Universe" segment from 2003. It was mainly villains (with the exception of the 6th Doctor), and it went alright... up until it was the ''[[Doctor Who|Dalek's]]''' turn to drive around the test track. Upon examining it and seeing only humanoids could operate it... well, EXTERMINATE. Only a couple had left the area and were spared.