Wall Banger/Literature: Difference between revisions

* [[Forgotten Phlebotinum|Side-Along Apparation.]] This is introduced in the sixth book so that Dumbledore could take Harry places ''via'' apparation. Even when you take into account that this is likely harder than normal Apparation -- this could've made a difference in earlier books. Dumbledore could've spared Harry the need to use the Knight Bus in book five. The teachers could've apparated their students to Kings Cross or to the outskirts of Hogwarts - yes, this would take some time, but they know where everyone lives, and it's inconsiderate to send students south to London just so they can take the magic train north to Scotland. And for sufficiently important events, side-along Apparation would make a good, reusable substitute for portkeys.

** Why didn't Dumbledore come up with alternate transportation? Harry Potter is perhaps the most important person in the Wizarding World in the sixth book -- the good guys can't afford to lose him, or at least don't think they can. "Is this trip really necessary?"

* In Book Five, Dumbledore reveals that he kept the prophecy hidden from Harry to preserve the boy's childhood. Seemingly fine and good -- until you remember that, when Harry was thirteen, Dumbledore sent him and his two friends to rescue a fugitive from a hundred dementors, on a night where an uncontrolled werewolf was loose. Also, it is implied in Book One that Dumbledore meant for ''eleven''-year-old Harry and his friends to save the Stone from Quirrel, resulting in the man's death. [[Sarcasm Mode|These events are sure to guarantee anyone a sheltered, happy childhood.]]

** There are no inherent negatives to being a vampire. Most stories give them at least one [[Weaksauce Weakness]]; and most of them make sure that there's still the need to drink blood, with the inevitable downward spiral into murder that this causes, making it difficult to be a ''good'' vampire. But in this book, that need is immediately dismissed by "Vegetarian vampire" -- the need for blood can be satisfied with animals alone. This isn't a new spin on old ideas; it's Mary-Sue-esque "All of the strengths, none of the weaknesses, and they SPARKLE!"

** Even giving Meyer the benefit of the doubt and agreeing that she never said that vampires couldn't mate with humans (and ignoring all the biological mess outlined above), it still makes no sense that none of the vampires even know that it's possible and that there's only one or two other half-vampires running around. Most of the vampires are bad people--you can't tell me that not one vampire ever raped a human and wanted the resulting child or even that Edward is the only vampire to ever fall in love with a human and vice versa. And even if we go with the idea that most of the human victims either aborted the pregnancies or died from them, the vampire community should still know that mating with humans is possible as long as vampires are around to restrain the mothers and perform teeth C-sections.

* In the first ''Twilight'' book, Bella repeatedly mentioned that she had already read everything on the reading list and done essays on the books. She repeatedly says how she got blank stares from the other students when she tells them her paper topics, and so forth. She might as well jump up and down and say, "Hey look at me! I'm smart and everyone else here is an idiot!" And the narration -- oh God. Listen, people are reading the books for the fantasy and the vampires and the romance! No one cares what the temperature is, nor what the weather's like, nor how many clouds are in the sky, nor what Bella's wearing, nor what she's fixing for dinner, nor what her carry-on is.

** It might not have been so bad if there hadn't been a huge set-up describing {{spoiler|all the different vampires showing up to help and how they all had [[X-Men (Comic Book)|X-Men]] powers and how they were all training}} -- and then, in the end, all they needed was {{spoiler|for Bella to mind-protect them almost effortlessly.}}

** Wait. Bella is the ''narrator.'' We only learn about her hobbies because Edward asks about them -- we never get to see her do them? Talk about [[Informed Attribute|Informed Attributes]]...

** This is topped off by Meyer making the Cullens an eternal fountain of wealth. They literally buy their way out of everything. What do characters like Esme do all day? She doesn't have to cook or fix meals -- humans and animals are pretty much puncture and eat for vampires. She probably wouldn't do laundry because the Cullens have more than enough money for dry cleaning; this sort of vampire could probably even get to the dry cleaner before closing time. She never sleeps. All of her "children" are physically and mentally adults. The younger Cullens are shown to be utterly disdainful of almost everyone and everything in the town. Do they just have bed-breaking sex all day? Even that has to get boring eventually... No wonder most vampires are [[Omnicidal Maniac|Omnicidal Maniacs]].

* In ''New Moon,'' Bella [[Wangst|Wangsts]] over her ''birthday'', of all things. And then she [[Wangst|Wangsts]] ''more'' when the Cullens throw her a birthday party and have the audacity to give her some sweet gifts. What an ungrateful, unlikeable, whiny, self-obsessed ''brat.''

* The tenth book, ''Phantom'', consists almost entirely of lengthy (two to five--yes, ''five''--page) monologues in which the various characters reiterate every event in the series so far; it contains very few new events. The final book, ''Confessor'', also suffers from this to a degree, but nowhere near as much as in the tenth book.

* ''[[The Wheel of Time]]'' series is a rather enjoyable [[Doorstopper]] series with a few frustrating views on the dynamics between men and women. This became much more than an irritation at the end of ''The Dragon Reborn'' when, upon hearing some female friends of his had been captured (by ''Black Ajah'' and a ''Forsaken''), [[Loveable Rogue|Mat Cauthon]] rides all the way to Tear, breaks into The Stone of Tear (a nigh impenetrable fortress), beats his way past many well armed guards and a High Lord to the prison cells, and breaks open the cell where they are kept, only to have the three [[Straw Feminist|powerful, self-assertive women]] tell him that they have everything in hand and give him the impression that he should be grateful to ''them'' for some reason. Books later, two of their friends [[What the Hell, Hero?|finally call them on this]] and ''force'' them to apologize, which they do -- with ''more'' veiled insults, looking the whole time at their friends for approval. Granted, they'd have [[Jerkass|behaved the same way]] if a ''woman'' had rescued them... but in these books, women only treat women that way if there isn't a male around.

** She outright mocks him for it. The entire Tylin storyline was stupid: it involves the "ruler" (she only controls Ebou Dar) of a weak nation basically raping Mat (one of Rand's lead Generals!) while everyone else does nothing but frown -- mostly at Mat.

*** Unlike standard unions where everyone is a cog in the wheels of some organization or industry, the members of Galt's "union" are in different industries or professions and the leaders of those industries and professions (actual or, like the truck driver, potential). In short, that's no union -- that's a Chamber of Commerce. Also, it's explicitly a way of defeating collectivism by turning its internal contradictions against itself. Various corporate PACs have tried this in real life; the problem here, like with any other sort of temporary socialism, is that people (both human and corporate) have trouble pulling off the "temporary" part.

* Philip Pullman's ''[[His Dark Materials|The Northern Lights]]'': This excellent, exciting story full of magic and mystery and suspense gets abruptly paused so the ''villain'' can [[Anvilicious|Anviliciously]] [[Character Filibuster|lecture the reader]] about the evils of Christianity. This stays the theme for the next two books: God = evil, sin = good, church = lie, childhood = sucks. Considering how awesome the first book started, all this griping seriously ruined the mood.

** And then there's [[Diabolus Ex Machina|the ending]], where we learn where Spectres come from and why Dust is in peril. Every part of it [[Ass Pull|comes out of nowhere]], and it's riddled with so many [[Plot Hole|Plot Holes]] that it looks like Swiss cheese. The origin of Spectres is not foreshadowed breaks the rules of magic given elsewhere in the series. The author and the angels go out of their way to prevent a [[Happy Ending]].

* The ''[[Anita Blake]]'' series was originally about a morally-healthy necromancer detective and her fight against mythical beasties in St. Louis. She eventually got into a funky [[Love Triangle]] with the leaders of the city's top Vampire and Werewolf clans; that was okay, since they themselves were not evil and would help her in her fight against their own kind...as long as the ones they were hunting was a legitimate threat against the humans or other creatures in the city. It helped flesh out her mission and made her realize the fine line between the normal, pedestrian critters that just want to live in peace and the true monsters in the world. The [[Wall Banger (Darth Wiki)|Wall Banger]] comes shortly after her return from New Mexico, when we learn she's turned into an unholy [[Horny Devil]] [[Soul Jar]] for the [[Eldritch Abomination]] she's sworn to keep locked up (with both vampirism and at least ''six'' different strains of therianthropy in her blood, to boot), making her a ''bigger'' threat to the world as we know it than nearly ''every single evil creature she's fought before or since''. Unfortunately, [[God Mode Sue|Anita]] will be too busy [[Deus Sex Machina|having sex with anything with legs]] for the issue to ever be seriously addressed for long -- unless you count the sex as addressing the issue, since her being chaste is what would release the abomination in question.

* In another example of [[Video Game Movies Suck|Video Game Books Suck]]: the ''[[Baldur's Gate|Baldurs Gate]] II'' [[Novelization]]. The main character is a stupid, unsympathetic thug who sleeps with any woman; [[The Eeyore|Xan]] - the intelligent cynic - died because he argued with a ghoul; the author did not get the point of Minsc being an [[Affectionate Parody]] of [[Boisterous Bruiser|Boisterous Bruisers]]; [[Lovable Traitor|Yoshimo]] became a fat, cowardly turncoat who was only useful for the magic sword he has... The thug-hero just killed people because he was told to, and then there was [[The Woobie|Imoen]]'s [[Suddenly Sexuality|sudden lesbianism]] around a drow female. Oh yeah, and [[Did Not Do the Research|drow eat spiders]], which is like Hindus eating cows. And [[Big Bad]] [[Badass]] [[Magnificent Bastard]] Irenicus isn't even in four-fifths of the book and [[Smug Snake|wasn't even close to magnificent]].

** And The Other Wind is even worse. In the first three books, the Dry Land is presented as a relatively dreary afterlife that's been there since as long as anyone can remember, a place that it makes sense to want to avoid except that doing so is messing with the laws of nature and has too many consequences. In The Other Wind, it's revealed that {{spoiler|it used to be a pleasant place for dragons only, but the earliest wizards stole it, but in the process [[Nice Job Breaking It, Hero|accidentally made it a dry land, and prevented humans from reincarnating, which was their former fate-after-death]].}} [[The Reveal|Dark secrets and lost knowledge]] like that are often a good plot device, but then LeGuin turns the Roke Wizards into [[Straw Character|Straw Characters]] defending the actions of these people and calling it the crowning achievement of humanity, ''when according to continuity they shouldn't have even known about it''.

** The funny thing is, the book's characterizations and ideas are internally consistent. The villains weren't [[Straw Feminist|Straw Feminists]]. The protagonist wasn't a [[Kavorka Man]], just [[Mr. Fanservice]]. The [[Humans Are White|complete lack of nonwhites]] wasn't intended as racist -- after all, why should a fantasy world mimic our own in racial diversity? Then the main character's sister {{spoiler|[[Face Heel Turn|joined the villains]] and promptly turned into a [[Depraved Bisexual]]}}. Arrgh! And this is the first of a series, and the sequel is out now...

** Just when we thought it was getting better: if it wasn't the entire [[Laser-Guided Amnesia]] sequence, the last book—what with {{spoiler|[[Retcon|retconning]] the setting's entire history}} and all, much ''less'' Cherijo {{spoiler|forgiving Duncan for managing to ''entirely'' out-douchebag himself}} while {{spoiler|Xonea}} starts randomly being a [[Yandere (disambiguation)]] again—pretty much tore it.

* The ''[[Redwall]]'' books have had some bad ones, mostly concerning the treatment of [[Always Chaotic Evil|vermin.]]

** From ''Triss'': You know who [[Evil Albino|Princess Kurda]], is, don't you Triss? The [[God Save Us From the Queen|black-hearted princess]] whose father murdered your father and enslaved your family? The person who killed old Drufo--your father's oldest and closest friend--in front of you [[Heroic Sacrifice|when he tried to get you to freedom?]] The girl who travelled halfway around the world to hunt you down like an animal? You remember? Good. Then explain what, providing that Kurda [[Hoist by His Own Petard|had watched where she was going at the battle's end]], you were doing to do with her, since you wouldn't kill the now-weaponless Princess "in cold blood". Were you just going to let her go, thereby making Drufo's death [[Senseless Sacrifice|unnecessary and pointless]] and enabling Kurda to keep coming at you?

* James Patterson also ended ''The Lake House'' with one. In the final chapter, the [[Big Bad]] -- who for most of the book was quite intelligent and was even on the verge of pulling off a [[Karma Houdini]] -- suddenly gets the urge to send the hundreds of heavily armed [[Mooks]] he has at his beck and call out for a smoke break so he can pursue the hero alone, unarmed, and with no backup. Talk about picking up the [[Villain Ball]] and bludgeoning yourself to death with it.

* I '''love''' [[Jane Austen]], but... Anne Elliot's "[[I Regret Nothing]]" speech at the end of ''[[Persuasion]]'' -- [[Anvilicious]], [[Values Dissonance]], [[Double Standard]], [[Broken Aesop]], and blatant [[Hypocrite|hypocrisy]]. Either Anne or [[Jane Austen]] is trying to "have it both ways." If Anne had defended her decision eight years ago on grounds such as "I now realize that Lady Russell was right for keeping us apart, but for different reasons, and it wouldn't have been safe to get married under such circumstances," it would have at least been fair and consistent. But Anne admits that her own reasoning is that the advice was wrong, but she (Anne) ''was right to yield to it for no other reason than because it's a woman's "duty" to yield to the advice of friends!'' Anne asserts she was right to take what she has since learned to be bad advice, not on the grounds that it turned out to be right in the long run or could have turned out so just as easily, but because she was yielding to persuasion period. Either Anne or Austen just can't bear to have Anne admit she was wrong, and since Wentworth agrees with her completely, and since this is completely consistent with the [[Anvilicious|anviliciousness]] of Louisa Musgrove's accident, it's not meant to be ironic. Instead of treating the theme of persuasion maturely (that may not have been Austen's title, but it ''is'' a prominent theme nonetheless), Anne turns it into a black-and-white issue: not yielding to persuasion (like Louisa) is always wrong, and yielding to persuasion (like Anne) is always right... if you're a woman. A man should be firm, or they'll suffer like Wentworth for yielding to Louisa and Mr. Smith for yielding to Mr. Elliot. I'll take my Austen novels with [[Mansfield Park|subtlety]] and my Austen heroines who [[Sense and Sensibility (novel)|actually apologize]] for [[Pride and Prejudice|their error]] and [[Emma|learn something]] besides never to doubt their own perfection, thank you very much.

* ''[[Dracula the Un-Dead]]'' -- Adaptations that reinterpret Mina's traumatic metaphorical rape as something romantic are bad enough, but to do so while claiming you're reclaiming the franchise for the original novel?! Well, Freud would have loved yet another example of support for his misogynist theory that all women are masochists. Ladies, rape is hot! If you don't agree, you're a prude! Denying your sexuality! That is not allowed!

* ''[[World War Z]]'' was a good book, but the zombies are pretty transparently engineered to overcome traditional zombie weaknesses so they can't be killed. Take a look at [http://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7-scientific-reasons-zombie-outbreak-would-fail-quickly.html this Cracked list]. Solanum zombies are poison to animals<ref>which wouldn't necessarily keep animals from ''trying'' to eat 'em, but the strange ability of every species ''except'' humanity to somehow know not to tell Zombies are toxic would</ref>, can freeze and thaw and still function, have no noticeable effects from heat, can apparently spread via black-market organ transfers<ref>Note that every infectee who dies rises as a zombie a few minutes later, regardless of how they died. Which means that people died in hospitals, yet somehow ''didn't'' rise in the middle of a crowded ward, which would provoke a health scare.</ref>(which makes sense), the barriers are all ignored(including closing and locking a standard frakking door, which will stop most people in full control of their cognitive functions, much less zombies), and the military somehow can't find it's butt with both hands, making tactical decisions a third-world militia would be too smart to make. In addition to that, zombies somehow don't need senses to see. And they can survive at the bottom of the ocean, with the interviewees pointing out that between the pressure and salt water, they should be paste<ref>They can walk along the sea floor, which is weird, cause dead bodies float.</ref>. It basically stops one bit short of declaring the zombies "magic". And if this deck-stacking weren't enough, humanity is a bunch of complete idiots who have apparently ''never seen a zombie movie in their lives''. Also, against all logic and real-world behavior, the mainstream news suppresses the news of the dead walking because they don't want to cause an economic downturn. IIRC, it was because the placebo Solanum medicine was so popular, they didn't want to reveal it didn't work. Which means that the "African Flu" was well known enough to have a large portion of the economy dependent on a medicine for it, but not enough for significant amounts of people to actually know what it is. The vast amount of legal and illegal guns circulating in the US alone? Ignored entirely. Also, one blog is mentioned before the outbreak. One blog. The entire nerdy blogosphere would crap their pants over the news that zombies were real. And then we find out that it was tearing up the message boards, but ''only in Japan''. Said otaku were members smart enough to hack the emails of gov't officials, yet none of them apparently located a news service or published it on their fricking blog. In fact, the story we hear is from an otaku who relates how the other posters just started dropping off, with the implication that they were either dying of self-neglect, trying to get to safety, or being killed. The narrator's parents had actually left for some time before he was spurred into action by running out of food. Basically, the [[NEET]]s knew exactly what was going on, but ''none of them told anybody'' until it was far too late.<br /><br />It's a good book, but Brooks had to stack the deck ''and'' put a few aces up his sleeve.

* Steven Wakefield in ''Sweet Valley Confidential''. Or, more specifically, his [[Suddenly Sexuality]]. Especially when he had married one woman (Cara), was engaged to another (Billie) until shortly after she miscarried, and had a nervous breakdown over Tricia's death (to the point where he broke up with Cara ''twice'' to pursue [[Identical Stranger|Identical Strangers]] who looked like her. It wasn't until one of them called him out on it that he snapped out of it.). This makes no sense if you followed the ''[[Sweet Valley High]]'' series.