A Date with Rosie Palms: Difference between revisions

{{trope}}

 

 

* It's aimed at or about teenagers (usually [[Played for Laughs]]) and the character is either a horny teenage boy, or another character, usually the parents, think that he's masturbating when he is very obviously ([[Innocent Innuendo|or sometimes not so obviously]]) ''not''.

* The character masturbating is [[Hollywood Dateless|sexually frustrated]], disturbed, perverted, or is a [[This Loser Is You|nerd/has no social life]].

 

 

 

And now, I'd like to introduce you to my girlfriend [[Stealth Pun|Jill (Shakes hands)]].

And because this page wouldn't be complete without her: In Ankh-Morpork on [[Discworld]], Rosie Palm, the head of the [[Unusual Euphemism|Seamstresses']] [[Band of Brothels|Guild]], is named as a [[Shout-Out]] to this, derived from an old British euphemism, "Rosie Palms and her five lovely daughters".

 

 

* [[Breaking in Old Habits]] - A character receives a replacement hand and immediately uses it to masturbate.

* [[Caught with Your Pants Down]] - A character is caught masturbating.

* [[I'll Be in My Bunk]] - A character who steps off-stage is humorously portrayed as leaving to masturbate.

* [[Jizzed in My Pants]] - Yeah, self explainable.

* [[Porn Stash]] - A character has a personal collection of pornography, and can usually be assumed to use it as an aid to masturbation.

* [[Poor Man's Porn]] - A character gets off to something not strictly intended to be used for that purpose.

 

 

 

* In the film ''[[Real Genius]]'', the [[Cool Loser|plucky charismatic underdogs]] implant a radio in the braces of the pompous, sycophantic Kent. Kent thinks he's being addressed by the voice of God. At the end of one transmission, [[Cool Loser|Mitch]] adds, "And Kent? From now on, stop playing with yourself!" Kent wonderingly murmurs, "It ''is'' God."

* ''[[But I'm a Cheerleader]]'': While poking fun at the ridiculous notion of a camp for curing homosexuality, the movie shows a couple of girls releasing their sexual frustration. The girls are all given small electric prods to punish themselves when they have "impure" thoughts; one girl gets creative with hers. And a short scene of the main character rubbing herself through her nightgown almost got the film an NC-17 rating.

* The title character in ''Saint Ralph'' does this in a pool while looking at a naked woman's buttocks, without any hands. The water jet in the pool causes him to have an accident.

* In the action-comedy ''[[The Big Hit]]'', one of the assassins doesn't even seem to know what masturbation is; he explains that he has been sleeping with women since he first entered puberty, and never had to resort to gratifying himself. One of the other characters explains it to him, and from that point on in the movie, he's shown using a grip-strengthener, deciding between bottles of lotion, and at the end [[Brick Joke|there's a poster of him as "Customer of the Year" in the Adult Video section of a video store]].

* ''[[Cthulhu (film)|Cthulhu]]'' (2007). A flashback shows the protagonist and his friend as teenagers jerking off together under a pier while talking of the female movie stars they fancy; ironically it's a [[Ho Yay]] scene as both of them are gay, but presumably have not admitted this at that stage in their lives.

* The teenage boy in ''[[Serial Mom]]''. While his parents are being murdered, no less.

* The memorable 1979 sex-education film ''[[Am I Normal]]?'' is all about this. Hilarious in its well-meaning ineptitude, the film combines typical earnest sex-ed material with the story of Jimmy, a lad going through puberty. As just one illustrative example of the painful "comedy" in Jimmy's story, at one point he's at the library, where he has to ask a hard-of-hearing librarian for help by loudly exclaiming "I want to know about the male penis!" One patron is so shocked by this that his [[Dodgy Toupee|toupée]] does a flip-take, flying several feet up off his head.<ref>In case you're curious, the answer given to the titular question is "Yes" - you're normal if you do, and normal if you don't.</ref>

 

* In ''[[Tales of the Otori]]'', sexuality in general is given generally pragmatic treatment: occasionally it's an important part of the plot, but for the most part it's just in the background of the characters' lives. As such, masturbation is mentioned, but only... [[Incredibly Lame Pun|off-handedly]].

* In [[Robert A. Heinlein]]'s ''[[To Sail Beyond the Sunset]]'', a wife, who has an open relationship with her husband, asks him over the phone if he's going to pick up a woman that night, and he admits he's too tired, it will just be "mother thumb and her four daughters."

* Apparently Jewish men aren't supposed to masturbate. That was ''[[Portnoy's Complaint|Portnoys Complaint]]''.

 

 

** Nina, Fez's co-worker and later girlfriend {{spoiler|whom he finally loses his virginity to}}, lampshades this by noticing that Fez's right hand is "stronger" than the other. Fez just says he's taken up fencing.

** It's also mentioned, that Donna does it too, but she "makes an evening of it", with music and candles. Hyde wonders whether Jackie masturbates also, but he reasons that she doesn't, because "she won't even go to a self-serve gas station."

** Kelso gets a job donating sperm at a sperm bank. The gang is in the basement sharing a bowl of popcorn, when he comes back from his job. He takes the bowl, dips his right hand in to take a handful then asks, "Who else wants some?" Everyone yells, "NO!"

** In one episode, someone has been breaking into the record store, so they set up a camera, and they find out Fez has been living there.

'''Hyde:''' I've known Fez for a long time. And if he thought he was alone, we need to turn this off ''right'' now. }}

* Sid from ''[[Skins]]'' is shown masturbating in the pilot episode, although it's debatable whether he falls into the 'nerdy loser' version of this trope. Knowing ''[[Skins]]'', there are probably definitely a million other *ahem* meetings with Rosie Palms within the show.

'''Anya:''' Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us? }}

::Xander tells the others he's taking Anya to the prom:

** Buffy's not the only Slayer to do this. In ''Chaos Bleeds,'' upon finding a stake Faith might comment on keeping it under her bed as a dildo. Ya gotta pity whoever that thing's used on after she's put it Lord knows where.

** Then of course there was the episode 'Hushed'' where it looks like Buffy's idea of beating the Gentlemen is to beat them off.

* Junior manages to "sprain" his penis from overuse on one episode of ''[[My Wife and Kids]]''.

* An episode of ''The Hughleys'' had D.L.'s wife remark that their son's been taking two to three showers a day now, and must be "the cleanest boy in the neighborhood." D.L. and their neighbor exchange knowing looks, and the neighbor replies "or the dirtiest." The two men then use a series of artful euphemisms to gently explain to the mother what's ''really'' going on. Hilarity ensues through the episode, as with every appearance, their son says or does something suggestive of his new hobby, like furiously pumping a bottle of mustard to wring out the last few drops.

* [[The Secret Life of the American Teenager|Just Say Me!]]

* In ''[[The Young Ones]]'', Rick has accidentally killed Neil. He buries the body in the garden, then can't sleep as his conscience reproaches him. He imagines himself on trial, then imagines some pretty girls in the courtroom pleading for him to be spared, then imagines them taking their clothes off, then he starts wanking off until his conscience yells at him to stop it.

* ''[[Degrassi]]'' as it already tackled [[No Periods, Period]] back in Season 1, had a plot in Season 8 over self-gratification. Jane admits to Clare and Alli she does own a vibrator, acting in a [[Big Brother Mentor]] fashion that being interested in sexual gratification isn't a bad thing, and it's a good thing to seek it from yourself. Eventually Clare gets 'the talk' she wanted from her mother over these subjects. She called it awkward.

* In ''[[Black Books]]'', Fran's subplot in the episode "The Big Lockout" basically involves her having a wank while listening to the shipping forecast because she finds the voice of the guy who's delivering it irresistibly arousing.

 

 

* The [[Web Original]] Spanish [[Superhero]] spoof ''Calico Electronico'' has a [[Running Gag]] about every time [[Ms. Fanservice]] character "La Ladrona" appears, the title character goes to the bathroom, where some... particular sounds... are covered by Calico singing (badly) opening themes of several old cartoons, the one from the Spanish dub of ''[[Captain Tsubasa]]'' being the most favored.

* In [[Look a Vlog]], Will is dragged out of the bathroom by Emily. When she asks what he was doing, he says, "Masturbating." Then goes back in.

 

 

* ''[[Beavis and Butthead]]'' has ''lots'' of masturbation jokes, mostly from Beavis, particularly in [[The Movie]].

** It becomes a significant plot point: The Feds can't find Beavis because he's off whackin' in Tom Anderson's trailer.

* In the [[Family Guy]] episode "Barely Legal", when Meg becomes obsessed with Brian:

'''Chris:''' Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this. }}

** In "Stewie Kills Lois", Meg brings a pack of hot dogs to her room, and says: "I'm gonna pretend you're the ''New York Knicks!''" Peter later mentions that he has to buy hot dogs because "we keep running out for some reason".

 

 

* In ''[[Neon Genesis Evangelion|The End of Evangelion]]'', Shinji does this {{spoiler|[[Dude, She's Like, in a Coma|over Asuka's comatose body.]]}} With an indiscretion shot of his creamed hand... yeech!

** [[Precision F-Strike|"I'm so fucked up..."]]

* ''[[Code Geass]]''. Nina Einstein, the local [[Shrinking Violet]], to a picture of her crush, using the edge of a table. Though she is quite [[Yandere]], she was perfectly sane at the time, and she doesn't actually have the massive [[Freak-Out]] until later, after {{spoiler|said crush's very unfortunate death}}. The fandom's reaction to the scene? [[Squick]], [[Memetic Mutation]], [[The Scrappy|Hate]].

** There's a sort-of running joke about her being interrupted by Nunnally: it's questionable who's luckier, [[Harmful to Minors|Nunnally because she's blind]] or [[Caught with Your Pants Down|Nina because Nunnally's blind.]] Otherwise, Nunnally would probably need [[Brain Bleach]] in the form of her brother [[Laser-Guided Amnesia|Geassing her into forgetting it]].

* In ''[[Gankutsuou]]'', Héloise is shown masturbating while thinking about the Count and the poison ring he gave her. [[Squick]].

* ''[[Yami to Boushi to Hon no Tabibito]]'' has one of the only scenes where this isn't played for [[Squick]], comedy, or both. Hazuki gets herself off twice thinking of her best friend/adoptive older sister Hatsumi, whom she is madly in love with. The second time is more subtle, but she does it ''on Hatsumi's bed''...

* Farnese in ''[[Berserk]]'' is shown to be turned on by people burning alive to the point where she spends some "alone time" thinking very hard about that. ''Berserk'' is like that.

* Konuma Ryuuko of ''[[Wolf Guy Wolfen Crest]]'' is a nymphomaniac middle-schooler with what appears to be profound psychological damage from repeated rapes in her past, but she's such a nihilistic sociopath that even this isn't enough to make her sympathetic. Notable acts include breaking into the protagonist's apartment to masturbate and (unsuccessfully) seduce him, and climaxing on a school rooftop after a bloody shooting.

* ''[[Ichi the Killer]]'' has one of the most [[Squick]]-tastic examples ever. Ichi cuts his palm with a knife and masturbates to the sight of his favorite prostitute being beaten and raped by her husband.

* ''[[Serial Experiments Lain]]'': Lain's friendship with Alice breaks down when one of the Lains spreads rumours around school that she likes to fantasize about a certain teacher while "playing with herself".

* In the beginning of ''[[Midori Days]]'', Seiji bemoans this being his fate, as his [[Badass]] Delinquent status actually seems to make it ''harder'' to get a girlfriend. He specifically says being stuck "with his right hand for a girlfriend", then it happens literally. Ironically, having Midori on his hand effectively ''prevents'' him from masturbating, as she throws out all his porn. A few chapters are dedicating to Seiji attempting to relieve the built-up pressure, but [[Failure Is the Only Option]].

 

 

* Mentioned several times in the comic series ''[[Y: The Last Man]]'' seeing as virtually the entire male population has died. One women casually mentions the difficulty of finding replacement AA batteries for vibrators, and titular last man Yorick tells of one extensive 'session' where the government installed open-air showers outside a hotel he was staying in.

 

 

* The 1994 film ''Spanking the Monkey'' used masturbation as a thematic and symbolic plot device (as the title suggests). The young protagonist's sexual frustration as he cares for his convalescing mother is compounded by the fact that he never gets to successfully masturbate.

* Lester in ''[[American Beauty]]'' is obviously depressed, and more than once mentions masturbation in contrast with all he hates about his life. His unloving [[Stepford Smiler]] wife catches him in bed doing what he calls [[Hurricane of Euphemisms|"choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying 'hi' to my monster"]] because it's [[Sexless Marriage|literally been years since she's deigned to have sex with him]]. The one time in the film they get close to, um, getting close, she stops it because she's afraid he'll spill beer all over her precious, precious furniture.

* The feature film ''[[Serenity]]'' (based on the ''[[Firefly]]'' series) has a scene where a frustrated Kaylee gripes that "going on a year now, I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!" Much to the dismay of most of the crew, who were standing near her when she mentioned this:

'''Jayne:''' I could stand to hear a little more. }}

* There's a scene in ''[[Mulholland Drive]]'' where [[Naomi Watts]] masturbates angrily while crying. She's spiralling into depression and a mad jealousy, after a roller-coaster romance with another woman ( {{spoiler|which may all have been a paranoid delusion anyway}}) leaves her feeling emotionally abused.

 

 

* Masturbating due to a lack of social life is a running gag in ''[[The Areas of My Expertise]]''.

* In the novel and movie ''Little Children''; Ronnie, who is a registered sex offender and pedophile, goes on a date with a cohort to suppress his urges, then he feels so awkward being with her that he drives to a playground and masturbates in front of her.

 

 

* An episode of [[Rob Brydon]]'s comedy-drama series ''Human Remains'' has Rob playing a man whose compulsive masturbation apparently stems from the loss of his mother.

* There are constant jokes at Richard's expense in ''[[Bottom]]'' to show how pathetic he is (he is, in fact, a wanker). He even called his autobiography: "Richard Richard: I Did it My Way. On My Own. Quite a Lot. Now I've got a Sore Hand."

* In a ''[[30 Rock|Thirty Rock]]'' episode, Frank mentions he has plans for Valentine's night. When asked with who, he replies "nobody".

* ''[[Firefly]]'': "I'll be in my bunk." It must be *ahem* hard for Jayne, being trapped on that ship with Inara, Kaylee, Zoe, and River, and not able to touch any of them.

* When a character on ''[[Bones]]'' swears off men, her unsatiated libido compels her to hit on any male she meets. To quell her advances, one of her co-workers brings his psychiatrist girlfriend to the lab, who quite sensibly recommends some solitary release as an alternative.

** When Mr. Fisher the depressed assistant gets in trouble for sleeping with a suspect, he replies:

* Near the end of his dementia-ridden father's life, Mark Greene on ''[[ER]]'' had to stop his dad from engaging in public masturbation.

* [[Played for Laughs]] in ''[[The Big Bang Theory]]'' when Howard, after seeing how good his robotic hand was and how real it felt while massaging his back, decided to gave the hand another use. That was until it jammed.

* ''[[Brass Eye]]'' reported a story about American senator Dale Lee Aggsby "Extracted his genitalia at a rally and manipulated them to issue" "Several quarts of reproductive mucous were expelled rhythmically into the crowd". It seemed he suffered from Prestodidwick's Congina, a rare blood disorder which causes involuntary erective pressure.

* The crew of ''[[Red Dwarf]]'' generally don't have much choice about this, there seldom being any women around:

'''Rimmer:''' Well, why break the habit of a lifetime? }}

* In ''[[Mad Men]]'', Betty Draper leans against a running washing machine and orgasms while fantasizing about a door-to-door salesman who had visited the day before. (She's sexually frustrated because her husband is rarely home, and when he is he often claims to be too tired. The real reason? Like any self-respecting early-'60s executive, he has [[Your Cheating Heart|multiple girls on the side]].)

** During the time between Steve and Jefferson, Marcy made a reference to "doing her taxes". Which is odd, as she has shown more than once that she can "get a refund" without even being touched.

* ''[[Better Off Ted]]'''s obligatory sexual harassment episode nods at this:

'''Ted''': Veronica, I work full-time and I have a eight-year-old daughter. I don't even have the energy for a onesome. }}

* In ''[[Oz]]'' Alvarez once masturbates in his prison cell and Ryan O'Reilly, a [[Stalker with a Crush]] [[Yandere]] for Dr. Nathan, does this while thinking of her.

 

* The [[Dresden Dolls]] song "Shores of California" says that "The girls are crying and the boys are masturbating" because guys want sex and girls want romance.

** On the subject of the Dolls, the song "First Orgasm" is about a lonely girl masturbating on a Thursday morning and eventually declaring, "I think I could last at least week without someone to hold me".

* From "Telepathy" by Swans: "I saw you through the window/Masturbating to the violence" (by the standards of M. Gira's work, this is a fairly tame example)

* "Longview" by Green Day includes the line "When masturbation's lost its fun/You're fucking lonely" to fit in with the song's theme of boredom.

* "Touch of my Hand" by [[Britney Spears]] is about appreciating self-love in the absence of one's partner.

* "Oops (Oh My)" by Tweet; she admires herself in the mirror while touching herself

 

 

* ''[[Grand Theft Auto|Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]]'' has a gag where one of the Brit junkies starts "having an appointment with Dr. Hans Jerkov" in Madd Dogg's studio.

 

 

* In the musical [[Spring Awakening]], it's mostly played for laughs when Hanschen is masturbating to a post card of a girl, but he is also sexually disturbed as he dreams of raping her.

 

 

** Then there's the one where Faye's new shrink suggests it as an outlet for sexual frustration. [http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=808 It's no longer doing the job for Faye.]

* Honeybee Samuel's curse afflicting Candi in the [[Ciem Webcomic Series]] makes it so that masturbation is the only thing (never explicitly mentioned in the comics) that keeps Candi sane when she begins having [[Erotic Dreams]] about Denny. When she decides she doesn't like resorting to that, especially after she gets Donte back, she has actual sex with him regularly to avoid the need. The books intend to give a little more mention to her issue.

* There's a weird example (which isn't actually masturbation) in ''[[El Goonish Shive]]''. Elliot completely fails at fantasizing about women (Imaginary Bikini Model: I'm someone's daughter, you ''bastard''), which his girlfriend Sarah and her friend Susan discuss at length. Susan thinks he should be praised for his restraint, while Sarah thinks it isn't healthy.

'''Susan:''' I try not to. }}

* In ''[[Jet Dream (webcomic)|Jet Dream]]'', while Marlene claims a lack of interest in romance of any sort after [[Gender Bender|her sex change]], she also makes several veiled references to using "the science of vibration" or her "Jet Dream Vibrostick" to deal with her new feminine urges.

 

* Mackenzie, the protagonist of ''[[Tales of MU]]'', masturbates in her sleep due to her nature as a repressed [[Horny Devil]].

* Happens on a single occasion in ''[[Survival of the Fittest]]'' (it's of the 'sexually frustrated') variety. The character, Beth Vandelinder was subsequently [[Caught with Your Pants Down|Caught With Her Pants Down]].

 

 

* An episode of ''[[Moral Orel]]'' deals with Reverend Putty's private shame over his masturbation.

** ''God's Baker'' runs with it to disturbing extremes.

* The whole plot in the ''[[American Dad]]'' episode "A Smith In Hand". Stan tries to teach Steve to sublimate the "urge" with arts and crafts, like he does. However, Stan [[Groin Attack|gets hurt]] and the doctor prescribes an ointment; in the process of applying it, he accidentally masturbates and, realizing for the first time in his life how good it feels, gets addicted

 

 

 

* In the ''[[Aliens vs. Predator]]'' comic book, a Marine left to guard the base is told there's some petroleum jelly in the supplies "in case he gets lonely".

 

 

* Mentioned very matter-of-factly in both the book and [[The Film of the Book|movie version]] of ''[[Jarhead]]''.

* Lawrence Waterhouse from Neal Stephenson's ''[[Cryptonomicon]]'' spends one chapter complaining to himself about how his sex drive is inversely connected to his math skills. He comes up with a technological euphemism: "Manual Override".

** There are even ''graphs''.

* Mentioned in ''[[All Quiet on the Western Front]]''. Notably, how all the impoverished Russian POWs had even stopped masturbating.

* Mentioned in the novel ''[[Flight of the Intruder]]''

* Mentioned in the [[Black Hawk Down]] novel, but I don't remember if it's in the movie or not.

* When [[Ciaphas Cain]] and his aid Jurgen get stuck on an escape pod for three weeks, Ciaphas spends time at sword practice and Jurgen locks himself in the cockpit and entertains himself in ways Ciaphas [[Brain Bleach|prefers not to muse over]]. Hint: Jurgen is an established connoisseur of porno slates.

 

 

* This is briefly seen (with a [[Peek a Boo|wall as a censor bar]]) and interrupted in HBO's ''[[Generation Kill]]''.

** One of the episodes is named "Combat Jack" for the Marines' masturbating after the adrenaline rush of a firefight.

 

 

* A character in ''[[Full Metal Jacket]]'' was [[Exactly What It Says on the Tin|nicknamed "Hand Job"]] for his habit of masturbating at least ten times a day. It's also an example of the "mental health/sexual frustration" variety of masturbation in that the other recruits referred to him as a "crazy fucker" and that it ultimately got him scheduled for a Section 8 discharge<ref>a military discharge for those deemed mentally unfit for service</ref> when he was caught doing it in the waiting room after being sent to see a Navy psychologist, and he ultimately would have gotten shipped out if not for him {{spoiler|getting killed by a VC booby trap}}.

* Not exactly the "military setting" described above, but: In ''[[The Right Stuff]]'', the astronauts have to provide a sperm sample. The [[Battleaxe Nurse]] tells them, "the best results seem to be from fantasization, followed by masturbation, followed by ejaculation." So they head to the bathroom stalls, and the [[Semper Fi|Marine]] starts humming ''From the Halls of Montezuma'', and the Air Force guy joins in with ''Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder''...

* ''[[Survival of the Dead]]''. The female member of the National Guard unit masturbates openly in front of her fellow soldiers, because there [[Sorry, I'm Gay|aren't any women available]].

 

* ''[[Half-Life]]'': One of the rewards offered to Combine grunts appears to be some sort of 'alone time' - especially useful given the [[No Sex Allowed|suppression field preventing natural sex]].

* When ordering a Riflemen squad to move something in ''[[Company of Heroes]]'', the unit leader may reply to your order with: "Drop your dicks and move out!"

 

 

* In the ''[[Family Guy]]'' episode "Saving Private Brian", when Brian and Stewie join the army, they're talking at night, and one guy yells, "You know, you guys are really making it hard to masturbate!" prompting another guy to yell, "Not for me!"

 

 

* In the fourth episodes of the second season of [[Rozen Maiden]], the dolls said, that Jun is in the toilet, reading "magazines".

* The manga ''[[Onani Master Kurosawa]]''. In translation: Kurosawa, the Master of Masturbating.

 

 

* During [[Neil Gaiman]]'s run on ''[[The Sandman]]'' in the early 90's, he was explicitly told by the editors that nobody masturbates in the DC Comics universe. In Gaiman's own words, "''actually, that explains a lot. That’s probably why the characters all dress in tight costumes and go around thumping the shit out of each other.''"

* The plot of the porn comic ''[[Small Favors]]'' opens with lesbian Annie being informed by an aspect of herself that she's exhausted her lifetime allotment of masturbation time. The photographic evidence supplied is a stack of photographs at least a foot tall... all of her masturbating at different times, all taken on ''the same day''.

* ''[[Empowered]]'' does this a lot, as does her best friend Ninjette. In Emp's case,it's because her super-suit massively enhances sensation and increases libido; she mentions that she never even bothers with "Mr. Shower Head" since she got it.

* My name is [[Transmetropolitan|Spider Jerusalem]]... I masturbate constantly and fling my steaming poison semen out the window onto your hair and food.

 

 

* A humourous fanfic by the creators of ''[[Bag Enders]]'' featured an adolescent Pippin being upset because his mother had told him kittens would die if he masturbated and he'd found a dead kitten in the garden and been convinced she was right. Merry gave him a kitten so he could watch it and stop if the kitten started looking ill to prove it wasn't true. Unfortunately, Pippin couldn't bring himself to do it with the kitten staring at him, so Merry ended up spending several evenings sitting in the next room and watching the kitten for him.

 

* Vincent of ''[[Pulp Fiction]]'' spends some time in the bathroom psyching himself up to not give into the temptation to have sex with Mia Wallace (because she's the wife of his boss), and mentions masturbating to relieve the tension and "get over it" once he gets back home. But given Vincent's general track record of bad things happening when he goes to the bathroom during the movie, things do not end well.

* In the movie ''[[Dogma]]'', Rufus the Apostle attempts to prove to Jay and Bob that he's really from heaven:

'''Jay:''' ... Dude, [[Ho Yay|not all the time]]! }}

* In ''[[Young Frankenstein]]'', as Gene Wilder's Victor boards the train from New York he overhears a married couple arguing behind him:

'''Man:''' Let him! Let him! }}

** When Victor arrives in Transylvania via train, he overhears another couple having the same argument...in German.

** Later in the film, Victor is disconsolate after his attempt to re-animate the Monster is (he believes) unsuccessful.

'''Igor:''' "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?" }}

* In ''[[Idiocracy]]'', pornography is now common on normal TV. The channel is fittingly named ''[[Exactly What It Says on the Tin|The Masturbation Channel]]''

* Comes up in ''[[There's Something About Mary]]''. Mary tells her friends she doesn't need a man, she has a vibrator. Later, Ted's friend encourages him to "spank the monkey" before his big date. This doesn't lead to the main character getting caught with his pants down, but to the movie's signature hair gel scene.

* In ''[[Being There]]'', Eve tries to seduce [[Chance the Gardener]]; when he tells her "I like to watch" - he's referring to television - she proceeds to pleasure herself on the floor.

* There is much pitch-black comedy in the viciously depressing Korean movie ''[[Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance]]'' (from the director of [[Oldboy]]). Of note here is a scene where four young men are seen masturbating together, their ears pressed to the wall to hear what they believe to be the moaning of a woman nearing climax. What they are hearing is in fact groans of pain from a young woman suffering from kidney failure.

* In ''[[Zack and Miri Make a Porno]]'', the two title characters have a discussion about male versus female masturbation:

* In ''Kinsey'', several people study a video of a woman masturbating to learn more about human sexuality.

* In ''[[Human Nature]]'', a man masturbates in front of another person, which is meant to show that he is unaware of society's taboos.

* In [[Woody Allen]]'s 19th-Century Russian Lit parody ''[[Love and Death]]'', his character meets a gorgeous countess. After a room-wrecking bout of sex she compliments his abilities - he shrugs and says "Thanks...I practice a lot when I'm alone."

* In ''[[Annie Hall]]'', [[Woody Allen]]'s character Alvy and Annie are arguing and he focuses on a pretentious school course she's taking:

'''Alvy:''' Hey, don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love. }}

* ''[[Clerks]]'' had an elderly customer ask Dante for a restroom, some soft toilet paper, and a girlie magazine. It didn't end well.

* ''[[Clerks II]]'' had an inebriated {{spoiler|Elias}} turned on by {{spoiler|the donkey show}}. "I'm sorry, Jesus..."

* Played for laughs in ''[[Brain Donors]]'':

'''Flakfizer:''' Whatever you call it. Flogging the carrot, polishing the cuestick, choking the chicken, clearing the snorkel... }}

* ''[[Crazy Stupid Love]]'': Robbie does it while thinking of Jessica his babysitter that he loves.

 

 

* In [[Stephen King]]'s ''[[The Stand]]'' (the book, not the miniseries), Lloyd masturbated so he could sleep after the Captain Trips superflu killed everyone in the prison but him.

** Harold Lauder has a couple of even more disturbing and squick-inducing scenes along these lines. Squick-inducing even for unrepentant masturbators.

* Mother's Younger Brother does this in E.L. Doctorow's ''[[Ragtime]]''.

* Rabbit and his wife do this together in John Updike's ''Rabbit Redux''.

* A female example in the [[Night Huntress]] books. Cat is just beginning to accept her own sexuality. A few hours after making out with her love interest, she takes a bath and accidentally touches herself. Then she does it on purpose, and ''then'' she starts to get really into it.

* A weird version in ''[[The Red Tent]]''. In the time that the book takes place, when girls get their first period their female relatives have a ceremony for them and uses a goddess statue to break their hymen. The main character Dinah actually has an orgasm.

 

 

* Tuvok rather guiltily uses a holodeck when he Ponn Farrs in ''[[Star Trek: Voyager]]''. He balked at first and had to be talked into it. He did not go blind.

** It was not mentioned when Reginald Barclay got into trouble for using the holodeck with simulated other members of the crew who (in his holodeck simulation) practically worshiped Barclay. It was merely mentioned that it was wrong of him to simulate them, but no mention was made of the obvious potential there.

* ''[[Seinfeld]]'' infamously built an entire episode around a bet over who could go the longest without masturbating, [[Not Using the Z Word|without actually using "masturbate" or any of its slang terms]]. That episode, "The Contest" made popular the meme "[[Unusual Euphemism|Master of your own domain]]".

* ''[[Farscape]]''. In "Sons and Lovers" Aeryn Sun suggests sex would be a practical means of relieving the [[Unresolved Sexual Tension]] between her and John Crichton, without all this weird human emotional-attachment stuff he's into.

'''Aeryn''': "And I don't need your emotions. But we can have sex if you want." }}

** In "Look At The Princess", John is pointing Braca's gun at different parts of his own body. Including, at one point, his hand:

* Chewbacca's dad Itchy is clearly cracking one off to Diahann Caroll during [[The Star Wars Holiday Special]]. [[Squick|While his grandson and daughter in law are in the other room]].

* A subplot of an episode of ''[[Black Books]]'' features Fran attempting to get off on the Shipping Forecast (no, not ''that'' kind of ''[[Shipping]]'') because she finds the announcer's voice irresistibly sexy.

** Also when J.D. says to Turk "Why don't you take care of yourself?" Turk responds he's only ever done that twice in his life. J.D. says the same but his monologue adds "If by "in my life" you mean "since dinner".

** Dr. Cox also gives this advice to Turk:

'''Dr. Cox:''' Lowers the heart-rate, releases the endorphins. It's basic physiology. }}

** Elliot also discovers the joy of masturbating in one of the earlier episodes (thanks to Carla's advice about washing machines).

* A reference was [[Executive Meddling|explicitly removed]] from an episode of [[Monty Python's Flying Circus]]: during the [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwAOc4g3K-g#t=2m15s "All-England Summarize Proust" competition], Graham Chapman lists his favorite hobbies as "strangling animals, golf and masturbation", which forces the host to kick him out seeing as 'golf's not very popular around here'. The BBC forced them to remove the word from reruns, despite objections from the cast. "Everybody masturbates!" Terry Jones apparently retorted to the head of quality control. "Don't you masturbate, sir?" Unfortunately that didn't work, and most home video copies contain the [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hx8Qc6Lv_7w#t=2m58s clumsily edited version] (though notice the subtitles include 'masturbation')

* From a Hoedown on ''[[Whose Line Is It Anyway?|Whose Line Is It Anyway]]'':

** Appears to be true, and not just a House snark. At least we know from Cameron that he keeps his porn in the second desk drawer.

** There's also a rather squicky clinic scene where House deduces that a toddler's symptoms are result of this.

** When Wilson was staying with House he arrives at his apartment to find a stethoscope on the doorknob:

'''House''': Well, I need a lot of foreplay. And then there's the cuddling afterwards. }}

** As of season six, we now also have House freaking Wilson when he walks into the living room to find House is "picking lint out of his belly button." Which he later happily admits he wasn't actually doing. In addition, in Private Lives his answer to Wilson's question about what he's doing that night is simply a gleeful "Masturbating!"

* In ''[[How I Met Your Mother]]'', Marshall was worried about "reading a magazine" at work. Barney answered that he (Barney) "reads a magazine" several times at work. Barney was talking about masturbation, whereas Marshall was talking about taking a deuce at work.

** Also in chapter 13 of sixth series, he's asked to do it in order to get his sperm checked by a doctor. However, it becomes quite difficult to carry out...

'''Johnny Vegas:''' ''(surprised)'' "You're Joking!" }}

* The UK's Channel 4 attempted as series of documentaries under the banner "Wank Week". [[Moral Guardians|This was met with the inevitable response]].

 

 

* A lot of people thought the song "Holdin' My Own" by [[The Darkness]] was about masturbation, though the band themselves denied this.

* The song "Unglued" by Stone Temple Pilots is about masturbation.

* Ska band Desorden Publico has a song, "Manuela", who is half [[Intercourse with You]], half this trope, down to the title (who is a transparent allusion to the way "Rosie Palms" is known in Spanish). To add controversy to the mix, part of the lyrics are taken from real letters that the Liberator Simon Bolivar sent to his lover Manuela Saenz.

* Mexican Hard Rock band Cuca also has a song called "Manuela". Translated loosely, the first verse has the singer bragging that because of his ...habit, he "is a being incapable of being manipulated, because he's self-sufficient, and even believes he's intelligent"

* "Blister in the Sun", by Violent Femmes. ("Big Hands, I know you're the one...")

* "Pictures of Lily", by [[The Who]].

* "She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper.

* "Touching Me Touching You" by Squeeze. "I'm always touching myself/ I've got nothing else to do/ And when I'm touching myself/ I'm always thinking about you...."

* "It's Only Me (the Wizard of Magicland)" by Barenaked Ladies.

* "Later Tonight" by the [[Pet Shop Boys]] is subtler than some examples here but still unambiguous.

* [[The Decemberists]]' "[[Billy Liar]]." "[[Unusual Euphemism|Decked by a Japanese geisha with a garland of pearls]]," indeed.

* [[Bawdy Song]] "Masturbation", to the tune of "Alouette":

* "Never Enough" by [[The Cure]].

* Subverted with "Jizz in my Pants" by [[The Lonely Island]].

* [[Elton John]]'s "Jamaica Jerk-Off".

** More subtly, "Tiny Dancer in my hand..."

* "The Big 'M'" by Lust Control

* "Depuis que tu n'es plus là" by the French comedian Max Boublil sounds like a romantic song at first but it really is about masturbation. He even says that he is going to marry his right hand.

* "You're Makin' Me High" by Toni Braxton is mostly [[Intercourse with You]], but the song begins with "I'll always think of you inside of my private thoughts/I can imagine you touching my private parts/With just the thought of you/I can't help but touch myself." It doesn't help that she starts moaning in the background towards the end of the song.

* Joan Jett's "I Still Dream About You" says "It's all I can do to keep my hands of my pie when I think about the things we've done."

 

* In [[Egyptian Mythology]], this was how the world was ''created'', by the god Atum masturbating the universe into existence.

* Speaking of Mythology, guess what [[Greek Mythology|Zeus]], his brother Poseidon and his son Hermes did simultaneously onto a bull skin in order to create the hero Orion.

** Most versions say they urinated into it, actually. The name Orion means "the urinated one"

* It's the very same god Hermes who, according to Diogenes, taught the trick to his son Pan pining for the nymph Echo, to relieve his suffering. Pan, in turn, learned the habit to the shepherds.

 

 

 

 

* Regent Fokuf in ''[[Exalted]]'' is regarded as a completely boneheaded puppet leader for the Realm for two reasons. One is that he rubber stamps anything that comes past his desk without a care for the contents. The other is that he spends the rest of the day getting off on the saucier passages in the Realm's religious documents.

 

 

 

 

* ''[[Mass Effect]]'' has a ''very'' subtle mention of this if a male Shepard decides to rebuff Ashley's advances toward the end of the game. She shrugs and says she'll head back to her own bunk to "find my own entertainment". A specific dialog choice when asking Kaidan about his past will have Shepherd indirectly, but pretty obviously, ask if he and the other teenagers in biotics training coped with boredom, loneliness and home-sickness with mutual masturbation; Alenko replies that it's not the sort of thing he does "lightly".

** That is a possible interpretation, though Occam's Razor would suggest Shepard thought they were hooking up and having rather than engaging in ''mututal masturbation''...

** In ''[[Mass Effect 2]]'', there's a quarian on Ilium who mentions that she's had a neural stimulator (which "every responsible adult has") installed on her suit, capping off a background conversation about her breaking it off with her human boyfriend. Her turian friend (and probably the player) goes "[[Flat What|what]]" at this knowledge. Sadly, it's only ''then'' that they notice that you're listening in...

* In an optional (and hysterical) scene, [[Metal Gear Solid|Snake]] can call Otacon on his CODEC while playing... with his "Solid Snake" during the Tanker Mission. Raiden can be indirectly accused of doing this later.

** Snake's response removes all doubt. "You were watching?!"

** Lovely Rod: Makes a nice present for your girlfriend.

* In [[Dragon Age II]], Isabela notes that since she's usually the only female on her ship and doesn't typically let her crewmen touch her, she makes sure they get plenty of "alone time."

* In [[No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle]], pay attention to Travis after Henry wakes up from his dream fight with Mimmy. He's sitting in his chair jerking off, and freaks when Henry wakes up. It gets even funnier when you hear the Bizarre Jelly theme in the background.

 

* The webcomic ''[[Sexy Losers]]'' had an entire storyline, "Mike's Left Hand", where the title character was a shameless, guiltless chronic masturbator. He even wrote books and taught classes on how to masturbate. His sister was later shown to be exactly the same way. Mike's roommate, unable to avoid him, steadily went insane (though he eventually recovered).

* ''[[Wonderella]]'' shows [http://nonadventures.com/2006/09/30/a-flash-of-despair/ here] that she'd rather play "''[[Hello Kitty]] The Home Game if you know what I mean''" than save the city from monsters and stuff.

* In ''[[Sabrina Online]]'', the title character gets walked in on by her roommate during a "hands-on" cybersex session with her (as yet unseen) online boyfriend, "RC". (Whom Amy dubs "Sticky Fingers").

* In ''[[Sparkling Generation Valkyrie Yuuki]]'', as Yuuki is coming to grips with his [[Gender Bender|Gender Bent]] status, (s)he finds himself getting heated up by his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. After a brief self-[[Squick]] over this, he decides that a quick [[Man, I Feel Like a Woman|"hand-check"]] couldn't hurt. [http://www.sgvy.com/archives/Edda1/Issue5/Page3.html It swiftly turns not-so-quick.]

'''Hermod''' (walking away): Not going near there for the rest of the night... }}

* ''[[Order of the Stick]]'' had Belkar recommend to a half-naked implied sex partner that, while he finished his sandwich(es), she should start a "solo adventure" until he could join the quest. This did not go over entirely well with the entire audience, or the [[What Do You Mean It's Not for Kids?|presumed audience]].

** Belkar also made an onanistic reference when one of his party-mates was turned into a female by a cursed belt. Upon seeing that character restored to his proper form, he asked where the hot chick had gone off to; when told that 'she would never be coming back,' he responded with "[[Squick|that's okay, I can always preserve the memory of her for when I'm... alone]]." Of course, he's merely trying to [[Squick]] out Roy, who he knows was the girl during a moment of [[Gender Bender]].

** [[Half-Human Hybrid|Therkla]] tells [[Spoony Bard|Elan]] that he's "Grade-A, lock-the-bathroom-door, 'No, Ma, I'm just taking a long shower,' fantasy material."

* [[Questionable Content]] has a full [http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1378 story arc] about Dora helping Faye to tame her libido.

* ''[[Khaos Komix]]'': quickly mentionned with Amber and her [[Homoerotic Dream]] of Nay, more relevant to the plot is Alex's habit; he borderlines [[Asexuality]], except for his masturbation habit, which apparently takes precious time he could use playing videogames. ''[[Single-Target Sexuality|And then he meets Tom]]''

* Graphically overheard in [http://wapsisquare.com/comic/me-time/ this] [[Wapsi Square]] comic.

 

 

* [[Beautiful Agony]] is full of this trope. Only, like, two or three of the video clips on that site show sexual intercourse.

** And even then they don't really ''show'' it, since all the videos are only from the neck up. The most you'd see of a second person would be mad snogging.

* Orochimaru's initial response in [[Naruto the Abridged Series]] to having his soul arms removed:

* The Flash series ''Pulp Phantom'' had the "Vincent and Mia" scene, but with Darth Maul and Queen Amidala instead. Maul is taking his time in the bathroom and talks into the mirror:

* ''[[Red vs. Blue]]''. When Tex returns as a ghost and mentions that she's beeen watching the Blue team, Tucker awkwardly asks if she had been watching ''all'' the time, while nervously glancing at a rock with the words: "Tucker's rock! Keep out!" painted on. Tex then says he ought to be ashamed of himself.

** In ''Recreation'', this exchange occurs during an argument:

'''Tucker:''' [[Your Mom|Your sister's]] name is "a rock"? }}

* From [[The Professor Brothers]] song about JFK:

* One of the constant complaints made by Los Hermanos, a member of the titular hero team in the ''[[Global Guardians PBEM Universe]]'', was that he felt an overwhelming urge to do this every time the team encountered Cheesecake, a supervillainess whose pheremone-based powers made her irresistable to all men, everywhere.

** Cheesecake couldn't turn Los Hermanos into a lovesick puppy as she did with every other male hero... all she could do was make him extremely uncomfortable.

* On ''[[The Ricky Gervais Show]]'' in a part of their ongoing series of "asking Karl questions to make him uncomfortable." They ask if he would, after [[It Makes Sense in Context|having his head transplanted onto another man's body]], he would be willing to masturbate with the other man's penis.

'''Ricky''': (riotous laughter) You're a fucking genius! So, what you're doing is watching ''someone else'' wank. }}

 

 

* In an episode of ''[[The Venture Brothers]]'', Rusty rents ''[[The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas]]'' and invites Brock to watch it with him. When Brock demurs, Rusty admits the movie was "meant to be watched ''solo a mano''." He's also deaf to warnings that the movie doesn't live up to its title.

** 24 is seen perusing porn several times due to the low chance of meeting women in his henching job.

** This is revealed to be the reason that Rusty invented the "[[Lotus Eater Machine|joy can]]". And the reason that it locks from the inside.

** "I'm practicing being a boyfriend, Pop!"

** In the Trial Of The Monarch episode, in a flashback, Dr. Girlfriend is handed her old superhero costume by her old boyfriend (Phantom Limb). She remarks that there are now "hard chunks" in the fabric, which Limb claims are tears. Monarch naturally becries this, claiming that Limb was "just pounding his invisible meat" into it, at which point he's cut off by Dr. Venture, who doesn't want the boys hearing about that. But then Hank protests it's okay because he's seen Dean do it, at which point Brock quickly gets the boys to another topic.

*** The judge didn't want to hear it either:

* In one episode of ''[[Family Guy]]'', [[Cloudcuckoolander|Mayor West]] is shown marrying his right hand (which his left tries to object to).

** In the episode "Wasted Talent", there's a flashback where Peter as a kid asks a tour guide in a museum: "Why did all the dinosaurs die out?" He responds: "Because you touch yourself at night."

** Because it's about as sexual as a potato singing "Baa Baa Black Sheep", ''Wooldoor'' masturbating is shown multiple times. It involves breaking his own finger, among other things. Go figure.

* In one episode of ''[[The Critic]]'' when Margo Sherman has to attend a debutante's ball, she wears a white dress symbolizing her virginity - except (as she points out) the ''gloves'', which are hussy white.

'''Margo Sherman:''' Yes... um, except for the gloves. }}

** Actually, this may refer to giving handjobs. Even for the ''virgo intacta'', here are [[My Girl Is Not a Slut|other venues]], you know.

* An episode of ''[[Robot Chicken]]'' had Zelda refuse to have sex with Link after saving her from Gannon. So Link says to his hand, "Then I will save you, my princess."

When you wake up in the morning, what's the first thing that you see? It's your morning wood! "Hello, I'm Bruce Campbell, and I can't start my day by waxing my morning wood." }}

* ''[[Futurama]]'' has its moments of subtle implication, and other times not so subtle. Actually a pretty surprising amount for a show on FOX at that time.

** A great one, Dr. Zoidberg laments how he will get rid of his male jelly when he fails to mate. Fry holds up his dismembered arm and says "I'll lend you this."

** From the episode "Spanish Fry," the Omicronian Emperor Lrr wants to use Fry's "lower horn" as an aphrodisiac. [[Innocent Innuendo]]' is used, which Bender points out and jokes about.

'''Bender:''' It's used to it! }}

** In one of the What-If machine episodes, a recently turned human Bender tried to "fix his antenna" down there. But Fry quickly stopped him from doing it because it'll "make God cry."

[[Category:Sex Tropes]]

[[Category:Porn Tropes]]

[[Category:Hand Tropes]]

[[Category:Older Than Feudalism]]