All the Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Vows: Difference between revisions

Extensions to the [[Evil Overlord List]]. They're written by the editors here, so don't expect sanity.

 

Sanity may not be expected, but remember... '''[[Dangerously Genre Savvy|DANGEROUSLY GENRE SAVVY!]]''' (Seriously, I got a short way down and had to come up here to add this. Apparently, many tropers are not as genre aware as they think they are.)

 

 

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** All my mooks will be instructed to take cover behind the red non-lethal barrels and to avoid the rusty-brown ones if they are under attack by the hero.

** He will also eagerly waste ammunition on the red barrels, as my minions take cover behind them, in an attempt to blow them up.

* Before starting any conquest, plot to claim the world, or the like, I will evaluate the world I am in, considering the setting, genre, and overall environment, both in-universe and out. I will then begin writing my own list of rules dictating what I should or shouldn't do. This list will be divided into sections on every conceivable topic, to be added to as I find, learn, or make up more rules. Then I will go through this list and find anything that applies to me that I don't already have and add it. As soon as I get any advisers, I will assign them to the task of making their own personal lists and adding onto mine (with all additions to be approved by me, of course) Above all, I will remember that the rules in these lists- both the in-universe ones and the online ones- will not apply in every situation, open to modification (after lengthy consideration), and, above all, are guidelines.

* If I am facing down a [[Religious Bruiser|Heroic Priest or Monk]] I will never, ever, pause just before killing him and tempt fate with such words as "Let your God smite me if you cannot," or "Where is your God now, hero?" In the best case scenario this will only serve to infuriate religious peasants and start an uprising. In the case of [[Acceptable Religious Targets]] I may make an exception.

* If the Hero mowing down my [[We Have Reserves|Legions]] of [[Redshirt Army|Terror]] wouldn't last five minutes against my own [[Authority Equals Asskicking|unholy]] [[Sorcerous Overlord|might]], [[Orcus on His Throne|I will invest those five minutes]].

* I will not use [[We Will Use Manual Labor in the Future|slave labor]] for any task [[No OSHA Compliance|better suited]] to machinery.

** However, in an urban or industrial setting, I should be cautious so as not to over-mechanize my society, particularly if this would render a large population of citizens unemployed. Keeping plebs downtrodden and impoverished is fine, but if there are no jobs or no ways to make ends meet then heroes are always more likely to emerge or find sympathy. People in these slums or towns are far less likely to revolt if they're too busy working all day.

* If I have a monster [[Made of Iron|too]] [[Invincible Minor Minion|tough]] for the Hero's weaponry to hurt, I will never put it in a room with [[Boss Arena Idiocy|weapons, devices or explosives which CAN hurt it]]. If possible, the room shall be as bare as possible with no possible implements that could be extracted from the ground or wall. After all, [[MacGyvering]] is becoming an increasingly-common hero talent.

* I will not use a [[Black Magic|ritual]] to [[Instant Expert|grant]] [[Upgrade Artifact|great]] [[Super Empowering|power]] to [[Elite Mooks|a few select]] [[Super Soldier|Doom Troops]] when I can use the same ritual to [[Mass Super-Empowering Event|grant great power]] to [[Badass Army|ALL my Doom Troops]].

** The moment I'm sure it's safe I'll also grant this power to myself. Twice if possible.

* I will constantly have several useful, but superfluous plans in motion, with much less security than my actual plans. [[Xanatos Gambit|If they succeed I shall turn a profit, if not then the hero has just wasted valuable time stopping them]].

** I shall also remember to give these plans just enough security that the hero never says "This is too easy."

* Whenever I take over another nation or country, I won't force them to give up their beliefs and follow mine; Instead, I'll simply introduce my customs and they will catch on soon enough, like Rome did. It worked well enough for them, after all.

* I shall immediately inquire into the all possibilities concerning [[Breaking the Fourth Wall]], and delivering a [[Hannibal Lecture]] to the author. [[Creator Breakdown]] is almost always more detrimental to the heroes than me.

** Amendment: I shall make as many well timed (not in the heat of battle) Hannibal Lectures in the hopes that I get at least a few to my writers. And possibly that I can convert some of my enemies. Or at least make sure my own troops know why we are fighting.

* I shall [[Conservation of Ninjitsu|always attack the heroes with one or two of my best men.]] That, or screw [[Mook Chivalry]] and mob him.

* I will remember that any [[Redshirt Army|enemy soldiers]] that are not the hero or in the hero's company are incapable of reliably capturing me, killing me, or otherwise doing anything that could jeopardize my health or my ability to be an [[Evil Overlord]]. Therefore, I will face an entire army of tanks, snipers, choppers, and [[Cool Plane|planes]] instead of facing [[The Hero]] if I am given the alternatives.

* I will read Machiavelli's ''The Prince'', before taking over anything, country, world, or otherwise. I will remember that Machiavelli never took over the world, nor built an empire that would last forever. Therefore, I will need to make some improvements to his ideas. I will also consider the possibility that Machiavelli's ''The Prince'' is satire.

* I will know that the best defence is the [[Status Quo Is God|status quo]] so i will use it against the hero and do everything in my power to maintain it.

* If I have, indeed, taken over the world and wish to secure my presence, I will supplement my Machiavelli with some Foucault.

* I will not name my [[Right-Hand-Cat|feline companion animal]] something frilly, feminine, starting with 'Mr.' or even something remotely good and TOTALLY NOT EVIL, like Sir Fluffernutter. No. Instead, I will name it something dangerous, menacing, and most definitely evil, like [[Warrior Cats|Hawkfrost]]. Better yet, [[Everything's Worse with Bears|I'll have a trained bear]]. Or perhaps I will use swans instead. The Hero and most other people seem to believe swans are graceful and innocent, so they'll be quite shocked when the swans reveal their [[Ax Crazy|true nature]] and attack them anyway. Furthermore, If I should lose my companion animal, I will immediately plan and implement revenge, and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES sob, shout "[[Big No|'NOOOOOOOOOO!!!]]" or otherwise enter a state of dramatic denial that could distract me from current developments. Being evil means I can have no strong emotional attachment to anyone, animals included.

** Nah. Even my most trusted can still [[Heel Face Turn|be turned]]. Just me.

* I will NOT be a [[Blood Knight]]. It makes no sense to drag out fights against the hero just so I can enjoy the fight. That's what gets foolish overlords killed.

* Note to self: schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist. Upon reading back over my list, some parts of it directly contradict each other, and in fact read as though two or more distinct personalities were having an argument.

** Never mind. [[Hive Mind|We're]]—,I mean I'm fine.

** I will still, however, see a psychiatrist, or at the very least a memory expert. I seem to be making the same points twice on these lists.

** If I '''DO''' have split personalities, I shall go back and check all items in which I reassure myself of trusting only me, and make a point of doubting myself until I am sure of the my other personalities' agendas, however I must not reveal this to others, or seem unsure at any moment, lest [[The Hero|my enemies]] take advantage of this.

** Likewise I will not send them [[Failure Is the Only Option|on impossible missions]]. Nor will I become incensed and kill them if they fail, if such a mission is ever necessary.

** Additionally, if minions fail or decide to leave (and submit their resignation rather than just running), they will be debriefed first. Even if they are to be shot later, I might as well get some final use out of them.

* My mooks will be taught to get along with each other to the point that they can use [[The Power of Friendship]] against a more heroic group of [[True Companions]].

* No matter how much it helps the atmosphere, my harem will not have a bunch of cushions everywhere, candlelight for its only light source and curtains for doors. It will be set up like a hotel, with real doors that lock, and security outside. Curtains, candles, and cushions are for ''inside''.

** All the girls in the harem will be kept in separate rooms so that they cannot conspire against me. The rooms will be well furnished and have basic cable, so that they will be content.

** I may consider putting all the girls in the harem in one large room with a lot of soft surfaces and no TV. Bored harem girls could well be a [[Girl-On-Girl Is Hot|good thing]]. I will keep the room under surveillance, of course. If they to conspire against me, I'll know. If they get bored... hey, bonus.

** I will never make any comments that include the term PMS near a woman, or imply that there is a time when it is best to stay away from her, or that her current mood (any mood) might be due to this. I will ''not'' patronize her in any way, even if it is my suspicion. Such things ''makes'' them angry. They will remember that conversation. They will ''not'' let me live it down. If I slip, she should be [[Released to Elsewhere|discreetly removed]] from the harem before she has time to report this information.

** I will always use protection, and all the harem members will be on the pill. The last thing I need is bastard offspring trying to kill me and take my place. Or syphilis. That's no fun, either.

** If I need to have a harem, for whatever reason, I will hire a mix of those aforementioned hot amazons (doubling as bodyguards) and regular prostitutes. They still would be required to occasionally have (protected) sex with me, but they will be allowed to come and go as they please, sleep otherwise with whoever they like (in secret), get lavished with gifts, and most importantly, their families will be well taken care of. Helping their sickly little sisters become healthy will be the real loyalty winners. The baubles will just be bonuses.

* If I ever decide to [[No, Mr. Bond, I Expect You to Dine|have dinner with the hero]], I will not attempt to [[Poisoned Chalice Switcheroo|poison him]]. There are ''far'' too many things that could go wrong. Instead, I will hide several syringes full of poison in his chair. A blade will also pop out of his end of the table and impale him. Then, a sixteen-ton weight will drop on his head. If he decides to use his last action to shoot me (if he somehow managed to sneak a gun through 5 different searches), he will still fail because I will not actually be there; it will be a hologram, robotic double, or other kind of fake.

* I will make sure to have ''two'' dining halls, and only rig one like this. Having something like this happen to my trusted lieutenant just because I'm paranoid and he forgot which seat it was isn't just a setback, it's bloody ''embarrassing''.

** As an added bonus, if Evil Overlording proves not to be my style, this will allow me to seamlessly reinvent myself as a harem anime protagonist.

* My default battlefield policy will always be "take no prisoners". This especially applies to the heroes. The only cases where I will even consider capturing the hero will be:

** 2. He is the only person who knows some information that is essential to my plan.

* I will keep in mind that if my plan is dependent on knowledge that only the hero has, I have screwed up somewhere along the line. I will NOT however, mention that this is the policy, nor will it be implied. I will find someone disposable to say this, as mentioning the words "Take no prisoners" is assured death.

* If, for some reason, I do need to take [[The Hero]] alive, I will ensure that he does not pose a threat to me by amputating all his limbs and keeping him in a box.

** Unless I, for some reason, need the hero to keep his limbs. Then I will fill the box with sharp objects and turn off the lights. Guards who can see in infrared or ultraviolet will be used to guard him, and will be equipped with the appropriate flashlights. These guards will also have buttons allowing them to turn on the lights if necessary. The lights will emit only in the visible spectrum and will be very bright. I never said those guards had to see in the visible spectrum.

* I will [[Bread and Circuses|foster happiness]] in my Empire. My interest is in power, not being a dick. Failing all else this will allow me to counter a heroic [[Combined Energy Attack]] with one of my own.

* I will foster communal wealth. Flat screens in the public park. All channels will include lessons on how to kill the Hero, his army, and any traitors. I will keep in mind that this could allow [[The Hero]] to prepare for such things.

* I will not rape anyone, ever. Doing so is a [[Moral Event Horizon|one-way ticket]] to a [[Karmic Death]], and those are ''never'' pleasant. Besides, if I want to be a competent overlord, I have to be able to control my desires.

** I will not tolerate rape on the part of any of my subordinates. Anyone caught doing so will be executed. [[Stuffed in A Fridge|Brutally]], [[Bloody Hilarious|slowly]], and [[Forced to Watch|in full view of the public.]] I mean, like ''horribly''. What's [[Rumble in The Bronx|that movie where someone gets stuffed into a woodchipper]]? Like that, only worse.

* If I have a wife, girlfriend, or significant other, I will remain faithful. The wrath of a [[Woman Scorned]] is probably the most powerful force in the universe (or at least right up there), and I'd rather not face it. I'm not having my plans shot to hell because I couldn't keep my pants on.

* If things between the wife and me go sour, I'll do my best to end things amicably and leave her with a decent alimony, to make her less tempted to help the hero. Or just quietly kill her.

* If I am in a fantastic setting, troops riding on winged bears would practically be a [[Game Breaker]], because the result could be achieved through magic instead of science and would be much cheaper and more reliable. The flying bears are the air force, the land force would be gorilla-wolves, and the navy would be [[Everything's Squishier with Cephalopods|tentacle]] [[Everything's Even Worse with Sharks|sharks]].

* If I do use animals in my schemes, I will have all their backgrounds checked. Nothing is worse than finding out that [[The Hero]] [[Androcles' Lion|once saved the monsters from a rockslide]] and now they owe their lives to him.

** However, I will also try to obtain some bad land as well as all that nice land and stuff, use the good land for vital resources and put cities on the bad lands that should always be razed by a different villain so nobody will give me a massive civilian uprising to deal with because of razing the land the cities are on.

** If am successful, I will not then order the victim to kill themselves unless I have a good reason. Why waste resources for temporary thrills?

** Nor will I place too much trust in so recently-brainwashed a follower. There's such a thing as [[Psychic Static]], and a good chance they're hiding that, like Topol did in ''[[Flash Gordon (film)|Flash Gordon]]''.

* I will not disregard any potential threat simply because it's [[Just a Kid]]. Instead, I will keep tabs on any kids who might turn out to be a [[Kid Hero]], ''especially'' skinny spiky-haired preteen boys and those who wear [[Rollerblade Good|rollerblades]] and speak in [[Totally Radical|antiquated '80s slang]].

* There is a time and a place for my [[Evil Laugh|maniacal laugh]], and that is right after my adorable little granddaughter does something cute (such as pulling the lever on the trap door under an incompetent minion) because she thinks my special laugh is cute and she will start laughing herself and very few Heroes will attack a doting grandfather while his 6 year-old granddaughter laughs with him. I will not, however, engage in maniacal laughter at an inappropriate time, such as when I am ordering my troops into battle or when my Grand Master Plan has nearly come to fruition, because any hero worthy of the name will choose that moment to attack.

* I will use robot guards programmed to kill any human on sight. Anyone loyal to me will have a special transmitter implanted in their brain, indicating to these robot guards that they are not targets. These transmitters will also deactivate on the death of their owner, and make their owners completely loyal to me, so the hero cannot exploit such an implant, allowing them access to my Evil Fortress.

** Or I will offer a raise for guards if they volunteer to become eunuchs (or for women whatever the female version is). Not only will it remove the want to chase tail but it also helps built muscle to kick tail instead. I will remember steers are stronger and bigger than bulls because "they focus on grass instead of ass".

** Alternately, I will ensure that my guards are provided with the opportunity to regularly visit brothels, or return home on leave to their significant others. After all, a sexually satisfied guard is less likely to fall for the hero(ine)'s charms.

* I could just use robots, of course. But make sure that the robots are ''actually'' robots, and don't [[Do Androids Dream?|dream]]. And I'll make sure they can't be reprogrammed without retinal clearance from my top roboticist, my head of security, and myself.

* I will have the retinal scanner disguised as a finger-print scanner. If anyone puts, say, the severed hand of my head of security up against it, it will spectacularly explode.

* Never, under any circumstances, will I take on a name like "Vincent the Invincible", or anything involving [[A God Am I|godhood]]. Even if it's deserved. ''Especially'' if it's deserved. [[Tempting Fate|Do I really]] [[Karmic Death|want to find out]] [[Not So Invincible After All|how invincible I am]] [[The Worf Effect|the hard way]]?

* If I am the Overlord of a video game, I will have my Legions of Evil track down any and all [[Save Point|saving]]/[[Trauma Inn|healing]] points and either remove them or [[Everything Is Trying to Kill You|rig them to]] [[Stuff Blowing Up|violently self-destruct]] or otherwise attack the hero if he ([[No Man of Woman Born|or she]]) tries to use them. Except for one, which will be moved to my personal quarters and restricted to my own use. [[Save Scumming]] may be cheating, but then again, [[Fighting Dirty|I am an Evil Overlord.]]

** Removing said monsters and bandits will also [[Villain with Good Publicity|improve my reputation among the populace]] and reduce the chances of poverty-induced discontent.

* If I develop a superweapon to use against the heroes, [[You Can't Thwart Stage One|its first public use will be against the heroes]]. Any tests will be made in out-of-the-way locations against people that will never be missed (and that's only if totally-unpopulated targets aren't an option), so the heroes will have no warning and no chance to develop a counter-measure.

* I will never depend on a superweapon that has its complete design specs easily available in any library or on the Internet. Ideally, any superweapon I use will have been designed by my own scientists anyway, and if I've been reading this far I wouldn't have put them on the Internet anyway. Or ever connected any computer that the designs have ever been on to the Internet.

* I will put my most sensitive information in an obscure format only readable by my own software, [[Hidden in Plain Sight]] as a derelict terminal not connected to the Network and without any external ports or removable disc drives whatsoever, placed somewhere where no-one will bother to look for it, such as a museum.

** I will, along with this, make sure that the said terminal is readily accessible to myself and whoever must be in on it by the Need to Know Basis' requirements, and in a way that will not attract attention. Me and/or my trusted lieutenants paying visits to nondescript terminals will have great significance to the hero, as it signals that the nondescript terminal in question has some significance to me.

* I will not listen to the princess/heroine/love interest when she says [[The Scarpia Ultimatum|she'll marry me if only I spare the hero's life.]] The fact that she was not willing to entertain the idea when his life was ''not'' on the line suggests her priorities are elsewhere.

* I will have him executed out of her sight, dress up a similar looking minion dress up in his clothes, "release" the minion in front of her, and marry her.

* Although it's normally standard policy to remind myself that there are lots of other women in the world, I must consider the possibility that she may be a princess and I could need her politically. Under these circumstances, I will instead marry whichever heir is the weakest of will, regardless of her personal appearances. Nobody ever said I had to be faithful.

* If for whatever reason I do agree to let the hero go, I will let her go as well. I will also make sure that either the offer is made in private or that I can get her to sound like she's ''betraying'' him. That should make a useful wedge for driving them apart.

* If I have the ability to [[Taken for Granite|turn people into stone]], it will only be used if absolutely necessary in the heat of combat. It will never be used as a punishment for dissenters. That would just let any old hero who comes along with the ability to free them amass a large army of people who are pissed off at me for the final battle.

** In order to avoid [[Conservation of Ninjitsu]] and [[What Measure Is a Mook?|make my troops more sympathetic to the audience]], I will also encourage them to address one another by name, pursue individual hobbies on their own time, and show off their personalities when the hero is nearby.

** In fact, I will seriously consider just doing away with the armor and the uniforms altogether. Heroes never seem to be hindered by the lack of helmets and incomplete armory, or have any difficulty differentiating between friend or foe in battle. Mooks will instead be encouraged to dress casually under the supervision of a hired fashion expert to weed out anyone about to make himself into an [[Acceptable Targets|Acceptable target]]. It's a proven fact that the right outfit with the right accessories can increase a person's fighting power well above the norm.

** On a related note, I will remember that the deathtrap will be just as funny if I throw in a corpse instead of a living hero.

* If I'm having audio-only contact with one of my minions, and the connection is suddenly broken, I will treat the situation like a full-scale emergency. It doesn't matter if contact is reestablished right afterwards and a voice assures me that everything is all right and that it was just a minor glitch; I will nevertheless assume that there's now an enemy at the other end of the line.

** I will require all minions to have a set of [[Trust Passwords]], unique to each individual, and kept in a binder within my reach at all times. If a connection breaks, I will ask for the password the moment it's reestablished. On a related note, no minion is to write their password down and I will ask a ''random'' minion for the password instead of just whoever's holding the phone.

* I will not keep a gigantic, man-eating beast that is likely to eat just anyone who happens to dump into its moat or dungeon. If it can't be trained into never trying to eat ''me'', it's not worth the risk.

* I will not suddenly start acting evil again once they've no longer got me, either. I will at least wait until they're out of both sight and earshot.

* If I do not get updated on the situation within a reasonable timeframe, I will have the area under heavy guard, with powerful weapons prepared in case of sudden hero encounters.

* I will build hospitals, improve medical funding, and equip many of my soldiers with first-aid kits, or employ [[White Magic|healers]]. The hospitals and [[The Medic|the medics]] will treat soldiers first, and civilians second. This means I'll lose less soliders, civilians will have more incentive to join my forces, and my soldiers and civilians will be far more loyal. It isn't evil in nature, but it allows me to further my evil cause(s) more easily.

* I will strive to avoid healing techniques that drain life from one person to heal another. It will only be considered if I have condemned criminals for execution; let their wasted lives be spent to save others.

* I will encourage my soldiers to bring their children to work. The children will learn from common mistakes that are made, and be more likely to work as soldiers. Also, the hero will be less likely to attack my soldiers, in fear that they might hit a child, or leave a child without a father or mother. Also, children could make good back-up soldiers, due to their [[Infant Immortality|surprising resistance to bullets and cuts.]]

* I will make the first Friday of every month "Funny Hat Day". Not only will it raise morale of my Legions of Evil but the hero will think twice about [[Dressing as the Enemy|posing as one of them]] when they have to wear a hat made out of fake fruit.

** I will also grant rewards for the funniest hats. Forcing my minions to humiliate themselves is not good for morale.

* I will not hire a busty bombshell as my second in command. It may seem nice, but my minions would be pissed that I chose someone based solely on appearance rather than merit.

** However, if I have the option of hiring a busty bombshell who is ''competent'' as my second in command, I will do so. This will encourage loyalty among troops and [[Male Gaze|distract the hero]]. She will ''not'', however, dress like a [[The Baroness|Russian]] [[Torture Technician]], as this allows my enemies visual verification that she is evil. Instead, I will encourage her to [[Dumb Blonde|die her hair blonde]], if it isn't already, and [[Obfuscating Stupidity|act stupid]]. The heroes will [[Dumb Is Good|never]] [[Beauty Equals Goodness|suspect]] that she's really on my side if they encounter her, allowing her to trick them into capture, or just knock them out with a surprise attack.

* Incentives will be offered should someone find a legitimate flaw in the system, be it from a minion or civilian.

* Should the hero somehow enter my realm, and is detected. I will NOT allow him and his party to carry on while I plot his demise. He shall instead be greeted by an airstrike. As soon as he's a good distance from a population center, of course. The LAST thing I need is a second hero showing up because I leveled his hometown.

** Crawling through a ventilation shaft makes a lot of noise. So when the hero tries to escape, I can just have my men shoot at the sound.

** In a realistic setting, the air ducts will simply break under his weight, providing ample amusement as he tries to spy on my plans.

* I will not wear my badass sunglasses at night, unless I'm working on something brightly lit for my [[Evil Plan|EvilPlans]], I have [[Resident Evil|demonic glowing cat eyes]] that allow me to see in such darkness, [[Artemis Fowl|confronting someone who can mesmerize me by eye contact]], and/or I'm in Alaska or Antarctica around the time of year when the sun is out all the time. They will impair my vision otherwise, though [[Rule of Cool|they do look awesome.]]

** I will suspend this rule if it is ever necessary to keep track of the visions in my eyes. If someone is deceiving me, it will definitely cut my security.

** On a related note, I will have the neurosurgeon executed so that he can't use the implant to control me. This will be a standing order, and my mooks will be authorized to both ignore my commands and restrain me while killing the good doctor if I say anything even close to "don't kill him".

*** If I cannot suppress my conscience when I see fit, then why would I try to be an evil overlord? I clearly need to get my priorities straight here. I will always, however, keep a facade of having a conscience up. That way, when the hero tries to get me to suffer a [[Villainous BSOD]] I can fake it, and take advantage of it when he lets down his guard if he tries to kill me. If he tries to be friends, I will accept, infiltrate his close circle of friends, and kill all of them in their sleep. I will make sure I do this without any chance of detection, and after I have tricked the suspicious one.

*** Note 2: If I can still be an [[Evil Overlord]] while the hero's friends are accepting me, why kill them? I'll just use my influence over them to keep them pointed at someone else's plans and save "kill them all in their sleep" for when they start getting suspicious.

* Before my rise to glory, I will kill all of my past mentors/teachers and replace them in their schools with substitutes and explain that said mentor/teacher went abroad to study. I will kill any friends of these mentors, any family members, but most importantly, any of his students who go out looking for him.

** As a corollary, nobody in my organization will make their password their lover's name. It is too easily broken. Should I hear that such a thing happened, I will suspend them immediately without pay. If [[The Hero]] cracked security because of the password in question, because of it's simplicity, the moron that chose the password will be anywhere from long-term suspension to death based on how badly [[The Hero]] screwed up my plans.

*** As another corollary, nor will I.

** I will use easy to crack passwords for decoy systems and plans.

*** I will also rig my password systems to automatically lock down and trigger an alarm after a few dozen tries. This will prevent the hero from deducing the password through brute force. Particularly stupid password attempts, like [[The Password Is Always Swordfish|"swordfish,"]] will trigger the alarm immediately.

** Whether or not I choose to make an example of them, anyone who thinks that people do not survive impossibly long falls is clearly not [[Genre Savvy]] enough to be in a leadership position in my Evil Army, a fact that I will make sure is remembered during their next performance review. The same policy applies to comments such as: "He's [[Just a Kid]]"; "[[Conservation of Ninjutsu|We outnumber him 10 to 1]], [[No Escape but Down|he can not escape]]" and "[[Evil Overlord List|My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?]]". (However, I will be fair in commending any soldier who approaches a situation with due caution or sticks to regulations during a crisis. Natural born talent such as recognizing that regular rules probably do not apply for the [[BFS|giant sword]] — wielding maniac who just slaughtered half of your platoon with ease, taking precautions without me ordering it, and [[The Guards Must Be Crazy|being able to identify the sound of a thrown pebble]], will earn a promotion on the spot.)

* I will maintain a healthy sense of humor about all aspects of my life. Then, if the hero attempts to goad me into making a rash mistake by mentioning something that might be a sore topic for me, I will simply laugh, say "You got me there!" and shoot him. Between the eyes. ''Twice.''

** If I don't need access to this item later on, I will store the key to the chest, along with the item, inside the chest. If I will need the item, the key will remain on my person, and will not be left elsewhere in the dungeon. Alternately, I'll just keep the item on my person in the first place.

*** If I don't need access to the item, I'll either leave it sitting in my own vault or break it. Even a health potion sitting in the dungeon will help anyone going through it. Hell, I'll put it in my vault if I do need it.

* I will hire my lieutenants based on their knowledge of Sun Tzu's "The Art of War".

*** But they should have plenty of field experience. Ruperts that learned all they know from books tend to think everything goes exactly as planned.

* If I'm fighting a hero whose family, friends, or loved ones I murdered, I will not taunt them by telling them "[[Would You Like to Hear How They Died?|so-and-so begged me to spare his/her life]]". That's more than just flirting with death, that's raping him.

* None of my officers will be professional [[Tennis Boss|tennis-players.]]

** If in a game of tennis with my foe with the ball being an orb of energy, I will just shoot him immediately after he hits the ball and dodge the attack.

* [[Shout-Out|Remember, boys and girls, there's no shame in the]] [[Groin Attack]]. [[Inheritance Cycle|You are a bad guy, after all, nobody expects you to play fair.]]

* If the hero steals "my thing" and starts to go [[One-Winged Angel]], or starts rambling on, I will ignore the "[[Transformation Is a Free Action|Transformation]]/TalkingIsAFreeAction" thing and shoot him while he's quite probably incredibly vulnerable.

** We cannot stress this enough, apparently.

* My Legions of Doom will '''not''' in any way, shape, or form, use torches, knives, and pitchforks if there are guns and chainsaws around that are in perfect working condition and have ammunition/gasoline in them, particularly if [[The Hero]] is using guns without mercy. It's just dumb and suicidal otherwise.

** Plus, it just drives the rebellion underground. If they start stating their goals publicly, I can refute them publicly.

* I will not allow minions to [[Action Bomb|strap explosives onto themselves for when things go south]]. This just leads to trouble when I'm trying to execute them, and makes them more vulnerable.

** I will also make sure to actually treat her as a [[Morality Pet]]. [[Nice Job Breaking It, Hero|That way, if I die,]] the heroes might suddenly have to deal with a [[Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds]].

* If I decide to make a giant mech to smite my enemies, I shall make a hidden button that activates a [[Weak Point]]. I shall not press this button untill my enemies try to override my mech, at which point I will press the button, eject out of the cockpit, wait untill the heroes get into the mech... and then blast the [[Weak Point]] with a rocket launcher/[[Laser/BFG|BFG]] (Whichever is the best avalible.)

* If the hero has a One-Winged Angel form and attempts to use it on me, during the stage in which he goes "HRAAAAARGH" with a deep red glow i will immediately smash him to the floor with a swift haymaker punch.

*** I will first see what my universe's view of transhumanism and such are. If even slight deviations from the human pattern are a sign of Irredeemable Evil, I will stay clear of modding my guards because that is a good way to have insane monsters trying to kill me. If robots and mutants are people too, I will do this carefully and make sure the changes are temporary. If the heroes are allowed to use the power I'm giving the guards, I'll go right ahead. If the author's a transhumanist, odds are I'm opposed to this kind of stuff on principle anyway.

* All weapons will be equipped with fingerprint scanners that will explode if touched too heavily, along with a voice recognition program that also tests for breath, heat, and moisture before starting. If weapon requirements aren't met, it will release an electric shock and explode.

** While one can always dream, refitting every mook's equipment with such devices probably costs more than what the whole soldier is worth to me. Therefore, I will apply this solution for my personal elite units, AND for a number of random soldiers - about 1 in 20 sounds enough. I will ensure that equipment with recognition hardware is indistinguishable from regular gear. People will learn to be vary about stealing my men's stuff either way. (If this solution is still too expensive, I will simply make mooks with fixed weapons that cannot be separated from them. This will also help to prevent those annoying [[Dressing as the Enemy]] situations.)

* If a certain personality keep suggesting an idea while holding the [[Idiot Ball]], <s>I</s> we will consider removing it from the [[I Am Legion|legion mind]] or at least let it handle non-overlord functions only.

** On the other hand, that sort of camo ensures that the heroes never get the drop on the minions. Hm...

*** Have the Mooks wear Infrared goggles/equipment.

* If I am [[Dark Action Girl|female]], then I should not overuse the privlige of claiming the hero is [[He-Man Woman Hater|misogynistic]], and under no means will I objectify myself.

** If the universe I happen to live in [[Fight Woosh|shunts fights into an alternate timestream that does exactly this]], I will make equipment that allows multiple attacks (or more attacks than usual) per "turn", as well as allowing the first hit in combat, standard issue. Said equipment will melt down when the user's lifesigns terminate. I will also make it illegal for civilians to obtain or sell this item. The [[Arbitrary Headcount Limit|Arbitrary Army Size Barrier]] will be studied exhaustively until I find a way to get around it. This includes the [[Lazy Backup]] Effect.

* If the hero falls over, Minions will shank the SOB. He'd get them if they fell down, so why be so fucking nice?

** Once the heroes have worked that out, the external battery pack will have the spikes removed, and be repurposed to be easily removable so it can be used to power defibrilators, fire and rescue equipment, ice cream makers and automatic lollipop dispensers. Power to operate the [[Mecha Mook]] will be supplied by beaming it from a secure location.

** And a solar panel on the head

** I will not use stock or well-known horror themes. Who Are You? (that tune in [[Final Fantasy VII]] where you find J.E.N.O.V.A.'s stasis pod) and Bach, Toccatta, and Fugue in "D" minor (the original [[Ominous Pipe Organ]]), while classics, have lost their edge.

** If possible, I will find out the hero's most cherished [[Ironic Nursery Rhyme|nursery rhyme]] or [[Soundtrack Dissonance|upbeat song]], distort it horribly, and use that for a [[Player Punch]].

** If I do use a tower, I will start a rumor that my office is on the top floor. Said office will have a booby-trapped floor that plunges the hero all 83 stories down into the Biochemical waste dispsal in the sub-subbasement. I will be in an [[Elaborate Underground Base]] on the other end of town.

* Combat uniforms will have no [[Highly-Conspicuous Uniform|eye-catching colors]], regardless of how good red-on-black or Florecent green on black looks. Camouflage was invented for a reason. [[Highly-Conspicuous Uniform|Eye-catching colours]] will be reserved for dress uniforms, and half the soldiers in each battalion will wear dress uniforms at all times while the rest deploy around them in aforementioned camouflage.

** That being said, so are [[The Virus|bio-weapons of any sort]]. Except for the kind you get by letting blood/excrement stagnate on a bayonet. Because it's ''easily controlled.''

* I will not use minions who [[Slave Mooks|desert, defect, or out-and-out panic]] when [[Decapitated Army|their leader dies]]. If my mooks can't be loyal in the first place, putting them under control of a slave driver is just going to make trouble.

** Minions will be specially trained to utilize their mutations effectively in and out of combat. [[Clipped-Wing Angel|Clipped Wing Angels]] just don't cut it.

* As an alternative to Rule 67, should we have a security system that shorts out so often that my guards begin to become jaded to it, I will enquire after something more robust.

* I will carefully weigh the benefits of wearing a cape to not wearing one. While the impressive effect of a grand billowing cape cannot be underestimated and saves minutes of oration when cowing the easily swayed masses, wearing a cape is asking for it to become a deadly liability.

** If I do choose to wear a cape, there will be no less than three clasps or buttons worked into it that will allow me to instantly get rid of the cape. Style is important, but survival is paramount.

** Also, any cape I wear will be made out of a cheap and flimsy fabric that tears easily. Thus, if it gets caught on anything then it will tear without inconveniencing me. Any flight, invisibility, or other powers I have will be built into less cumbersome articles of clothing is possible.

* If I learned that hero was raised in a certain orphanage that he still considers home, I will not send my legion to run it down. Instead, I will "offer" to fund the place and reorganize it - using my [[Ear Worm]] theme song as orphanage's anthem is the very first step.

* I will upgrade the [[Quirky Miniboss Squad]] to [[Ragtag Bunch of Misfits]], [[Five-Bad Band|including]] [[Optional Party Member|but not]] [[Sixth Ranger|limited to]] a [[Villain Protagonist]], a [[Lancer]], a [[Smart Guy]], a [[Big Guy]] and a [[Dark Chick|Dark]] [[White Magician Girl]]. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

* Female minions will be given more protective equipment than [[Breast Plate|metal lingere']].

** [http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6550847/female-armor-sucks detailed here]

* When assembling teams, I will go through everyone's backstories to check for possible sources of conflict. If one of the potential members happens to blame another for the tragedy that ruined his life, they ''do not'' work together.

* I will make it clear that anyone caught [[Metal Gear Solid|browsing a dirty magazine]], [[Metal Slug|playing a videogame, talking on his mobile phone]], or [[The Guards Must Be Crazy|napping]] while on duty will be fired. Out of a cannon. Negligence is what allows heroes to slip in.

* Only I will have the control to the magnetized chambers of my lair, I can't let anyone of my organization have such a device in their hands on the off chance they join my enemy; and possibly that they will muck around with it to make some damned faux hockey rink out of something I spent a lot of money on.

** Also: All of my minions will have implanted microchips used to repel the magnetization, which will destruct after their death to prevent usage.

** Alternatively, minions will wear suits with individually unique built-in computer system that is required to open locks, operate their weapons, etc. Each minion will have a unique microchip put either under their skin or under a flesh-colored patch, the absence of which will lock down the suit, trigger an alarm, and issuing a paralyzing electric shock if used on a lock, weapon, etc.

** If possible, I will also look into instead making a performance booster/healing serum for the suits that is toxic/caustic/acid/venom/poison/against the hero's personal code to use. If it one of the deadly options I will have all mooks either implanted/bio-engineered for resistance or develop and immunity. This way resources in the suit are still helpful, but also serve as a method from keeping it from being worn.

* If there are any hostages important to the hero I will execute them immediately instead of stowing them somewhere they could be found, If confronted by the hero. I will lie and say that they are alive somewhere dangerous, luring the sod into a deathtrap or ambush. On the off chance that [[Berserk Button|rage empowers or motivates the hero and he escapes to confront me]], I will be well prepared with an escape route which will be destroyed upon my escape.

* If I have to create a computer virus, I will also create a program to circumvent the use of it on my own machinery, and if the enemy reverse engineers it by modifying the coding, the very same program will be based on the same source code to neutralize all assaults from that computer virus in general.

*** They should be kept in confinement cages in a hallway and then set upon the hero at once when he enters, said cages must be durable enough so that they do not injure my henchmen. Said henchmen will not be allowed to feed or interact with them; there will be tubes for food and water above each cage. Henchmen who tease and anger them will be reprimanded as a warning and executed by me if they repeat their mistake. I will have alternate hallways and exits for henchmen if the Chimeras are loose.

*** I will not make one strong enough that it will break free and run amok in the base, destroying everything and attacking my men, nor will I let it free myself. It will be kept under lock and key with a keycode and a piano and will only be released as a last resort. Before creating it though there must be a way how to kill it on the off chance it turns on me or joins the hero.

* I will keep careful records of all the towns I pilliage, and will do so only when nescessary. Nothing pisses the hero off like finding out that the [[Doomed Hometown|complete massacre of his hometown]] was [[But for Me It Was Tuesday|an average weekend out for me.]]

* I will make sure to keep my priorities in order:

** Priority number 3: My reign of terror, also maintaining my Legions of Doom.

*** For that matter, switch 2 and 3. I can always come up with another [[Evil Plan]] if my current one fails, but if I lose what power I have already, it'll take a ''lot'' of planning just to get back to square one. My [[Evil Plan|EvilPlans]] should be for the purpose of maintaining and expanding my life and reign of terror, not the other way around.

** To summarize all these lists into something easy to remember: I will not be a damned fool. I will not be overly prideful. I will not side with or attempt to control anything bigger, better, or more powerful then I am. I will take reasonable and reliable precautions whenever available. I will NOT be a damned fool. I will do everything in my power to stop the hero or heroes, and I will make sure I don't give them any advantages. I will make sure my Legions of Doom are loyal, intelligent, and skilled (And Equal Opportunity employment.) I will be attentive and careful at all times. I will not have any moral or ethical code that might inhibit me from taking every advantage I can get my hands on. I will stay up to date on any important development. Most importantly, I will keep in mind the fact that I am not Immortal, Invincible, or in any way unstoppable, because I am, in fact, unfortunately mortal.

* I call them "mooks", but really, they will all be highly-trained badasses.

* In the event that I am ever [[Sealed Evil in a Can|bottled]], I will ensure that I am either unconscious or have some outside means of entertainment, (or better yet, can leave the universve altogether until the release). Also, if someone has released me demanding power, I will not kill him/her immediately, instead I will use his knowledge of the different time period, and give him a high position when I regain my authority.

* I will make sure that any mercenaries or bounty hunters I hire do not have [[Bunny Ears Lawyer|any odd quirks to get in the way of their objectives]]. Noting is more dissapointing than learning that they didn't do their job because there was a [[Beet The Vandal Buster|wounded animal nearby and he "had to nurse the poor thing back to health"]].

* If I offer to pay someone, I will keep the vow, and NOT kill them once they are no longer useful. It worked for [[X-Wing Series|Warlord Zsinj.]]

* If my R&D team invents a bomb that can't be defused, I will get them to develop an ICBM that can't be retargeted.

* My fortress will not have bad muzak (like there's such a thing as ''good'' muzak). I will also make sure to get suggestions for the background music, and not have it all pop or [[Three Chords and the Truth]], but rather a mix of all genres we can all live with. People are less effective when thinking "I hate this friggin' song". Minions also fight harder to [[Power of Rock|Metal]] than Teenybopper, so when the alarm goes off, the background music instantly switches to a sufficiently awesome [[Heavy Mithril]] album, for example, Gods of War. Or anything from a Command & Conquer soundtrack.

* I will keep all new weapons top secret until I develop armor that protects against it.

** If, by any chances, they are stored underground / in deep caves / some elaborate structures (which seems to be a lot), I'll just collapse the whole place and bury all those artifacts, dump a whole lot of concrete over the area, and set some people to watch over the area in case of heroes coming in to investigate the area.

*** Also, if possible and won't end up in a large disaster, such as the monsters in area dig up the cement, even if nobody blames me for it or it won't lower my public PR, I will use my resources to build a prosperous city on top of the cement filled area after I make sure there are no barracks that have accidentally formed somehow. On top of the most likely area that the item will be and dug down to, I will build a very good hospital that takes care of all diseases or issues, magical or biological, and have it that the basement will be needed for the proper running of the hospital. This way, the hero cannot/will not/doesn't think of digging down in that area to get the item. This hospital, payed for by me and my technology/magic, will not only be good for my PR, but a person will indeed get it into his head to dig down into basement and I will have guards in the hospital. If it's the hero then they will have to waste time trying to explain to everybody why in hell they were doing something that could possibly take down a very effective hospital that is, in fact, run by the very person they are getting the weapon to take that person down.

** But make sure to [[Genocide Backfire|absolutely destroy them, or else]] [[Titan A.E.|they'll bit you back, HARD]].

*** It [[Shaped Like Itself|pretty much answers itself.]]

* All protagonists who attempt to kill me will be given a computer with Internet access as a reward. And [[Main Page|this]] will be the [[Home Page]]. That ought to give me enough time to reach my Escape Vehicle and start the self-destruct sequence.

* I will found, christen, donate to, and attend charity events of an animal hospital and adoption center regularly. This will not only boost my PR, but the heroes will waste time trying to find out what sort of sinister reason there is that would justify my involvement. If the heroes try to bring it down, not only will they find that there wasn't anything suspicious happening there, but also makes them look much less heroic in the eyes of the public for destroying the place that takes care of all those helpless animals.

* Unless I am SURE that this universe has a [[Lost Aesop]], I will refrain from [[Not So Different|pointing out any contradictions]], [[What Is Evil?|grey areas]], [[Hannibal Lecture|or other weaknesses in the hero's moral code]]. [[The War On Straw|Odds are that the author put more thought into rebutting my complaints than the complaints themselves.]]

** That, or triggers a [[Doomsday Device]] which will detonate immediately after my [[Video Will]] / [[Nice Job Breaking It, Hero]] gloat ends, and my death means [[The End of the World as We Know It]].

* Rather than booby traps that kill outright, I will have booby traps that do character assassination as well. For example; a bookshelf full of [[Distracted by the Sexy|porn]] swing open when the hero steps through the laser sensor. All magazines will be coated in poison, so once he flips through his favorite naughty puplication, he drops dead. I merely need to display his corpse with a deathgrip on a [[Hentai]] for the ire of the masses over his death to fade into "I can't beleive we idolized that perv".

** I will make sure never to read the stuff myself where others can see me. If I need "adult" entertainment, it will be stored in a secure place, with an anti-eavesdropping EMP curtain and vault doors coded to my fingerprints, eyescan, voiceprint, DNA, and psychic information, and with at least one combination lock and two key-type locks.

* If the hero has a particularly [[The Cutie|gentle, nice, and sweet companion]], I will not [[Break the Cutie|torture]] or otherwise [[Beware the Nice Ones|provoke him/her]]. I will, however, attempt to keep some genuinely nice, gentle people around who are loyal to me personally.

* I will have minions search out every weapon merchant in the land and either employ him or buy out all his stocks. With any luck the heroes will have no acess to equipment above the starters.

** This also applies to [[Anti-Villain|Anti Villains]] who are playing my security for fools. If this fellow can out-smart / out-plan my Inner Circle and I, We can probably put him to good use. [[Mouse|Especially if he's stealing out of my trophy case]].

** I will never directly insult the Minion's culture or race. The individual is weak, the whole is insurmountable.

* If I am the Villain in a [[Porn with Plot]], I will not be one of those idiots who screws 24 /7. The body has enough blood to fuel the brains or the nether regions, not both.

*** However, if this is a [[Safe, Sane, and Consensual]] [[Author Tract]] where the villain is expected to have boring sex, I'll nail whoever I want however I want (''if'' my partner/s agrees to it and is at least 18, of course).

** No using genetic engineering for said creepy fetishes. If I've got to go through such waste for sex toys, I should step down.

* If I have other means to gain control of the kingdom then force a princess to marry me, I'll go with this plan instead. Also, I'll make sure to remember that "princess" is not synonym to "first beauty in the country" or to "perfect wife for evil lord."

* Should I discover an alien planet with sentient life hostile to my goals, I will genetically engineer a plague that works on them (and ONLY on them) and kills after 24 hours as well as a temporary cure. This plague shall be carefully engineered and tested to ensure that it cannot, under any circumstances, infect humans. Still, I will ensure that my minions (and myself) wear special bio-hazard suits outside of a few sterilized area into which aliens cannot go. After the population is infected and enough have died for them to be worried, I'll offer the 24 hours worth of antidote every day in return for a lifetime of free slave labor. Any who refuse will, obviously, be left to die.

** If the universe I happen to be in also has [[Animate Dead|necromantic magic]], I will also make burying or incinerating the corpses of the dead slaves punishable by death. That way, I have a group of meat-puppets to use in gas-filled parts of the mines.

* I will watch [[Burn Notice]] religiously and take notes on everything that Michael Westen does, including what details to research that are left out of the show. That information is invaluable for either setting up plans and/or counters of my own, or anticipating wht the hero might do and take the appropriate actions.

* The architect who planned my top-secret dungeon, its traps, and its escape routes is doomed from the moment he signed on. As are any external service personnel I absolutely must hire to provide upgrades, such as the poor sod who put in the central A/C.

* I will make myself look as human as possible, looking demonic/[[Light Is Not Good|Angelic]], or like any sort of [[Beast Man]] will, while it makes me look intimidating, will, ultimately, [[What Measure Is a Non-Human?|make it easier for the heroes to kill me when/if the time comes.]]

* I will make sure that [[The Dragon]] is ''not'' my only capable servant. [[The Brute]] will be a [[Genius Bruiser]] ''and'' a remorselessly loyal sociopath; if arrangeable he will also be good friends (or at least ''friendly'' rivals) with [[The Dragon]], so that I can send them ''both'' after the heroes at once. If he is the leader of the [[Mooks]] he will also either forgo some of his cruelty in order to be a [[A Father to His Men]], or (if totally evil) will at least be a competent strategist and leader, who the men can trust, and follow bravely; while the lowest ranking member of my inner circle, he will be kept up to date on plans so that he does not [[Spanner in the Works|inadvertently sabotage them]] (and after all, he's likely to be my most loyal follower to boot, so why risk offending him?). My [[Evil Genius]] will be allowed to comment on any aspects of the plan that he thinks needs work (why have an [[Evil Genius]] otherwise?) and will also be given any cybernetic upgrades, [[Powered Armour]], [[Super Serum]], biological modifications, or [[Mecha-Mooks]] that he feels are necessary to give him combat abilities similar to those of [[The Brute]] and [[The Dragon]]. The [[Dark Chick]] will be a Chick. Specifically, she will be my [[Victorious Childhood Friend]] who has been playing Risk with me and helping me plan to conquer the world since we were five years old. She will be able to hold her own with the boys, and will have eyes only for me. As we are absolutly made for one another, I will of course listen to her advice (and adding a female viewpoint might not be a bad idea). At least one of the above will be a suitably [[Cold Sniper]] who can take [[The Hero]] down, ''without'' having to close in physically. If I am a [[Magnificent Bastard]], other members of the [[Five-Bad Band]] will have [[Manipulative Bastard]], [[The Chessmaster]] and [[The Trickster]] characteristics spread out among them. Not only will it prevent me from having to do all the work, but it will mean that there are ''multiple'' people who can point out problems with my plans. None of them will be a [[Smug Snake]], or if they are they will be of [[Pirates of the Caribbean|Lord Cutler Beckett]] level effectiveness, meaning that they are still useful to me, and will have plans only ''slightly'' less brilliant than my own. They will all be [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]], and know that betraying me will only ensure their own defeat in the long run.

* [[Valkyria Chronicles|I will not, under any, ANY ciricumstances, squander a superpowerful female soldier, loyal to me due to love and capable of one-shotting tanks by looking at them funny, by having her destroy herself in an effort to kill the entirety of my enemy's military.]] ''Especially'' if the enemy has one more or less just like her. I shall find a way to keep her in the field. Superpowerful women - loyal ones particularly - are extremely hard to come by. I'll make sure to... reward her as I (and, quite importantly, she) sees fit. This takes care of both my powerful superweapon ''and'' lovelife departments.

* Any idea which crosses my mind which seems to only be there because I think it would be cool, regardless of practicality or good sense will be ignored. Yes, developing bands of minions to act to [[Five-Man Band|popular character types]] would be pretty neat, but I wouldn't want to be distracted from my overall plans by the little things.

* If I take up playing an instrument, I will stay away from the [[Ominous Pipe Organ]].

* I will familiarize myself with the technique known as [[Obfuscating Stupidity]], and I will use it frequently. If the hero is [[Genre Savvy]], he or she will be afraid and think twice before attacking. If not, I get an easy kill.

** This elite force will not be the first enemy the heroes face in a large-scale battle. On the contrary, I will arrange my armies with the least capable soldiers in the front and have the most [[Badass]] soldiers as my personal bodyguards. By the time the heroes reach them, they will have exhausted their energy on my immense army.

** If the [["Stop Having Fun!" Guys]] bitch about you "cheating" if you beat them while using a tactic, it becomes SOP.

** I will consider the benefits and the disadvantages of [[Twilight (novel)|sparkling.]] It draws a lot of [[Fan Girl|fangirls]] to me that can be used to form my army (see above) while convincing almost everybody else that [[Hatedom|I am not a real vampire]] and thus not a threat. On the other hand, it ravages my credibility.

* I will never wait with renewing whatever it is that sustains my life, but will do it as early and as often as possible. If my unlife requires that I sacrifice a virgin every full moon then there will be a harem of virgins kept well fed and treated but always prepared in different locations. Holding off the search until the last minute will just make me do something really stupid, like go after the hero's girlfriend merely out of desperation.

* Any secret agents or otherwise heavily trained soldiers from a distant land will be considered threats to my power.

* If I have to poison someone with a drink, I should have a drink that is a different color than the person I'm trying to poison. Or alternatively, use a poison I am already immune to, or barring that, have an anti-toxin ready ahead of schedule. The latter two cases have the added advantage that I can poison both drinks so the hero can't [[Poisoned Chalice Switcheroo|switch them]].

* Of course, if I have been reading this, I have taken precautions necessary to avoid having to use a [[One-Winged Angel]] form anyways - this is a last resort. But if I happen to have a [[One-Winged Angel]] form I am aware of, I will make sure, if possible, to actually test it for combat performance BEFORE taking on [[The Hero]]. If the form ends up [[Clipped-Wing Angel|hindering me instead]], it shall NOT be used. Similarly, I shall make sure to check if my [[One-Winged Angel]] form is compatible to fight the hero. So, if I can transform into a shadow demon immune to nigh all harm, but who covers at the mere mention of a holy spell, and my enemy happens to be a holy paladin, this form shall NOT be used.

* Before I turn myself to the Dark Side I will at least confirm that it does in fact have the overhelming power that it promises. If it turns out that with greater power comes a price that will leave me at a huge disadvantage, or that it it can not actually defeat Light at its purest, or that possessing it carries with it a croppling vulnerabity towards all things Good, then I will choose instead some other means to make my Reign of Evil a reality.

** It also goes without saying that I shall not stand inside a [[Boss Arena Idiocy|room full of deadly traps that can kill me]]. Even if I think they will kill the hero. I just WON'T. They WILL be turned against me instead, heroes know how to do that. There's cautious, and then there's [[What an Idiot!|bloody retarded.]] Mooks in my room (ones able to aim, obviously) is OK, in fact it's GOOD. [[Super Mario Bros.|Standing on a bridge over lava with a button/axe to fling the whole thing down into the lava right behind me is NOT]].

*** If for any reason I actually do want to create such a room, I will start a rumor that it is my real hideout and have a copy/hologram/illusion of me standing on the bridge, so that when the hero goes ahead and steps on it, the whole thing collapses with him and falls into the lava, while I watch this through a security camera/crystal ball from a safe distance. And by safe, I mean a few dozen kilometers.

* [[Vast Bureaucracy|Everyone will be accountable for their movements, and everyone must be accounted for at all times]]. Besides my closest advisors, everyone's whereabouts must be kept tracked. Therefore, I will use a hidden finger scanner on all doors and before all traps, to allow for easy access for me and my close advisors, so safe escape is possible. I will also implement a non-hidden two key card system for anyone else. Any guards that have to pass through a trapped area must clock in before their shifts before being allowed clearance to go anywhere. They will be given a key card with a certain number of allowances. Each allowance, when swiped through the scanner, disables one trap or opens one door one time. Each guard will be given exactly how many allowances they need for any particular shift. Guards will travel in groups, each guard in a group will get a portion of the total amount their group needs, so if at any point a guard is killed and their key stolen, they will not get far. Allowances are specific to one area and must stay within that area. The second card will be the safety card. Each guard will be required to frequently and regularily swipe their safety card at a specified time and at specified intervals, the schedule of which is to be kept a personal secret, different for each guard. Should these intervals not be punched, or punched at the wrong time, an alarm will immediately be triggered. If a guard does not punch in or out for the day, an alarm will be triggered. If a person is out of allowances and tries to use more, an alarm will be triggered. If allowances are used in the wrong area, an alarm will be triggered. With all of these steps in place, it is literally impossible to kill a guard and eventually not trigger an alarm.

* Local bands will be screened for [[Grail in the Garbage|magical instruments they just happened to find at a garage sale or the local pawnshop]]. Any band that has one, I will hire immediately to do my theme music, thus adding [[Power of Rock]] to my arsenal.

* I will order all copies of this document, and all subsequent derivatives, to be destroyed with the exception of a master copy which will remain in my safe deposit box for reference.

* You know those things that Firefigters wear that sounds an alarm when they don't move for more than a minute, or fall flat? The mooks should have those too.

* As an alternative to [[Evil Overlord List Cellblock B|fark.com's Rule 19]], I will offer a bounty for the hero's capture. However, it will be made clear that if the capture was a collective effort, then each participant will be well rewarded. It'll be a little pricier, but who cares. With the hero out of the way, I'll have all the money I want. It's an investment.

* If the setting allows, I will turn myself into a powerful, free-willed undead who can ressurect after being killed again, such as a Lich. This way, I'll just keep coming back. My [[Soul Jar]], will of course, be under heavy guard in an unbreachable room, with doors that only be opened from inside. If possible, I will construct multiple Phylacteries.

** Disguise is also very effective at keeping one's Phylactery safe. Making them out of simple bricks and throwing them into the construction materials will ensue that they are never found.

* If possible, I will hire the [[Slender Man]] and [[Candle Ja]]... *herm* Mr Candle. {{color|white|Did somebody call my name? I'll be happy to work for you since I have become a Discredited Meme.}}

* My soldiers will immediately destroy any towers and church steeples they encounter, as these are great sniper-blinds.

* I will never, ever tell any of my minions or henchmen "I don't pay you to think." Yes, it's true that people who think too much might be a threat to my authority, but if I wanted a mindless robot, I'd make or hire a mindless robot.

* If my incredible power was gained at the discretion of another being, [[Aladdin (Disney film)|say a genie,]] and I have some number of wishes left, when the hero tells me that something (the genie/the nix/whatever I am currently forcing to do my bidding) is more powerful than I am, instead of flying into a jealous rage and wishing to become a more powerful version of that being without any regards for the consequences I will thank the hero for his concern, proceed with killing him, and then carefully weigh the pros and cons of becoming said being.

* If there is a hero that has repeatedly foiled my plans in the past, and I have the resources for it, I will consider building a fake stronghold, whether this be an underground lair, floating fortress or orbital space station. I will make it seem as if this fake stronghold is actually the base of my operations, and put a few token guards outside for appearances sake. When the hero attacks the [[The Very Definitely Final Dungeon|"stronghold"]] in expectation of a [[Final Boss|climactic showdown]] with [[Big Bad|me]], they will instead find the place utterly deserted - save for the ton of explosives set to go off the moment they step inside.

* If I hear of a prophecy that says a certain person shall defeat me, I will NOT command my army to go out and kill every person that matches that description. I might end up missing one who'll get mad at my needless slaughtering and [[Nice Job Breaking It, Herod|come to defeat me]].

* I will not have long hair, because it is so very difficult to maintain properly, and because it gets in the way in the same mannerisms as capes. Should I persist in the long hair, I must secure it properly, so that it may not snag or be grabbed by the hero.

* I will ensure that birthdays are celebrated adequately, and that there is at least one fun thing every week (eg, Funny Hat Fridays, Sunday Charades, etc). This will improve morale and keep everyone happy and amused. There will always be prizes for anything that could be humiliating. Also, if the hero walks in on a group of people playing charades where someone is impersonating a goose, he will think twice about it being his nemesis's fortress.

* If a person carrying an oddly-coloured sword walks into my kingdom, I will take a vacation elsewhere until that sword is out of my kingdom and not make any friendly or unfriendly overtures to the wielder. If the sword is black, I will move to another dimension and never return.

** If that person is albino and a [[Defector From Decadence]], I'll kill myself and save him the trouble. And count myself lucky to have got away so lucky.

* If ever at the mercy of the Hero, I will play up any and all unpleasant childhood experiences I had, whether that involves [[Rape as Backstory|sexual abuse]] or that my parents got me a different breed of pony than I had asked for. That way, the Hero will be forced to believe that my evilness is only because of my [[Freudian Excuse|upbringing]] and not really my fault at all, giving me the opportunity to escape.

** I will not, however, taunt the Hero as I escape by explaining to him just how little my childhood had to do with my evil choices; I may need to exploit this again in the future.

** I WILL however employ such installations as long as they lead into unavoidable death traps.

** I will also avoid adding any area to my installations that cannot be accessed by my guards if needed.

** [[Final Fantasy II|make a deal with the powers of hell. (It's HELL.)]]

* Even if all my advisors agree that [[No One Could Survive That|no-one could survive the blow]] I have just dealt to the hero, I will still chop his head off for good measure.

* If I'm ever seriously injured, I will fake being knocked stupid.

* I, too, will learn and master the art of "Quick Save" and "Quick Load." If the hero can manage this in the universe where I rule, surely I can figure it out as well.

* In the lobby of my fortress of evil, I will have all my gas-mask wearing, ultra-evil elite mooks stand next to bright red barrels labeled "Danger: Explosive!" The barrels will be filled with a poisonous gas which will not explode when shot, punctured, or thrown at high speed, but will fill the room with the instantly lethal gas, killing those which are not wearing gas masks.

** Should I mass produce an army of them, I will actively make them weaker, less intelligent and more instinctual than the trusted one so he or she still feels as though they're the best, and the generic ones won't see him/her and become jealous and loathesome of us. As far as the generics go, I will ''Always'' adhere to rule 48, just in case.

** Should I recieve word my trusted supersoldier has died in the field, I will request them to find their body and make sure they are, in fact, dead before I make a new trusted supersoldier, if they aren't dead and see me with their replacement, it will reveal my lies to both of them, giving me not one, but two new enemies.

** Scratch this, I will simply be an equal opportunity employer. As long as I have enough of the aforementioned categories in my army I can still play the civil rights card, but the hero will not be able to yell discrimination.

* When hiring new employees, I will tell them that their stealth ops uniform is [[Highly-Conspicuous Uniform|neon pink]]. Anyone who tells me how impractical that is will be promoted immediately.

* If I catch a case of the [[Idiot Ball]] and accept the hero's love interests' offer to become my consort, I shall never stop being suspicious of her, no matter how much time passes. Should she ever ask me the location of my [[Soul Jar]], source of power, or one weakness, I will lie. She should not be able to find out that I have pointed her to a fake easily, lest I lose her loyalty if she is loyal. However, if she attempts to destroy or steal the fake [[Soul Jar]] or source of power, it will instantly detonate, taking her down with it.

* I will Never Ever try to take over the world by using a '''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series|children's card game]].'''

* The public will be made fully aware of any genetic engineering attempts, and assured that all subjects are clones of volunteers who are able to successfully be experimented upon, and are not tortured in any way. If this is a lie, any civilian that attempts to enter a testing facility will be escorted out under the lie that the facility workers need absolutely unchanging work environments, or, if unable to be removed, executed. If not a lie, tours through facilities will be permitted following thorough background checks. Said tours are to be reserved no less than one week in advance, so as to improve security of facility, and plan out route to avoid crucial locations within the facility that could be applied to an attack plan.

* I will never write an autobiography based entirely in truth.

** As an added note, if said female minors turn out to be [[Magical Girl Warrior|absurdly powerful]] and said love-based powers include [[Wave Motion Gun|giant energy beams capable of vaporizing multiple city blocks at once,]] I will ensure that all of my operations from now on are covert, especially if they take the [[Defeat Means Friendship|Nanoha method of befriending people.]] Chances are, if they make friends by beating the hell out of people, what they'd do to a bad guy is NOT pretty to think about.

*** To add on to the "vaporizing multiple city blocks at once" thing, it might be interesting to [[Hero with Bad Publicity|run a campaign sensibilizing the general population to the ravages caused by such heroes,]] playing up the hypocrisy of declaring oneself a warrior of love/friendship/whatever while destroying everything in one's way. It could [[Villain with Good Publicity|get the population on my side]], which is always good to have.

* I will create a centralized licensing and registration system for all blacksmiths/gunsmiths/whoever makes weapons or stuff that can be used as weapons. I will make it illegal for ordinary smithies to sell swords, polearms, pikes, maces, crossbows, guns, and other such weapons. All arms sales will be registered and tracked. They must be done through weapons makers I personally approve of and have licensed and registere. They must pass loyalty and psychiatric tests.

** While I will let just about anyone buy a gun, they must pass psychiatric and [[Hero Tropes|Hero Trope]] Tests. All failing will be executed. Also, under no circumstances can any weapons shop sell arms that are as good as or better than what I give my minions. The weapons sold must be either incapable of dependably and effectively killing my minions. Any armor sold must be inferior to what I give my minions.

*** I will have the only double action firearm in the realm.

* All firearms I issue my minions must have several safety mechanisms, I do not want to have people getting hurt by accident, nor do I want for a treasonous person to be able to just lift his gun and kill me without having to take time to ready his gun.

*** #1: An external safety which prevents the slide from moving and must be manually actuated. This also may prove useful in the case of someone trying to assassinate me by stealing a gun from one of my minions.

*** #2: An external safety on the grip which forces the user to hold the gun properly. This will improve marksmanship and stop guns from accidentally going off in holsters.

* I should note the heroes rarely if ever disrupt my plans [[You Can't Thwart Stage One|as soon as they're getting off the ground.]] If I delay my plans I can take my sweet time fortifying my fortess, training my legions of evil, [[Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking|and kicking as many kittens as I want.]]

** Which reminds me of the opposite extreme, if the heroes are [[Take Your Time|wandering aimlessly]] or [[Sidetracked by the Gold Saucer|playing games at a carnival]], I shouldn't wait for them to come to me before executing the final stage of my plan, I should just do it while they act like they have all the time in the world.

* Before I start conquering the world, I shall watch ''[[The Simpsons]]'' episode "You Only Move Twice". Hank Scorpio may seem like a stereotypical Bond villain, but he knows how to treat his <s>minions</s> employees and so should I.

* My guns will look almost exactly like [[Good Guns, Bad Guns|NATO-standard weapons]] - and not the Steyr AUG, but the M16, M4, FAMAS, anything by FN Herstal, or any other typically "good" weapon. Because those are the weapons of professionals - and while I'll probably have a fair amount of conscripts, but they'll be well trained and taken care of.

** These weapons will have the safeties described above, and will also use different ammunition than their identical counterparts, and will only externally resemble them - for instance, it looks like an M14 Carbine with a STANAG magazine, but the inside is a totally different recoil/gas combination operation and it does not fire 5.56x45mm NATO, but some specialized round only my troops use and has penetration more akin to the 5.45x39mm used by the Soviets, if not 5.45mm itself. Sure, it's common, but producing my own ammo comes with a downside: I can't use everyone else's bullets.

** Also there will be several fakes dotted in my different bases with the same lethalities around them and any and all transfers of the fakes and real ones should be regarded as if we have the hero chasing us with a gigantic army of the biggest weakness we have, and given ''maximum security at all times''. This will make sure I have multiple strengths and will not be destroyed permanently if the protagonist steals a power focus of mine, I can just kill the hero and get it back in no time.

* I will improve on every other villains ideas and potential villains ideas, including but not limited to this list.

* I will not deny or undermine the effectiveness of [[Those Lacking Spines|cake-based cooking songs]] as [[Cool and Unusual Punishment|a form of torture]].

* If I an in a world where there are multiple powers other than myself and my stated goal is not to explicitly to [[Take Over the World]], I will always try to ensure that there is someone else out there who is [[Vetinari Job Security|a worse alternative than myself]]. In addition to the propaganda value for my minions and subjects, this will open up the opportunity to arrange a truce with the Hero as we [[Enemy Mine|take on a common threat]]. I can then manipulate the situation to my personal gain and relish every delicious moment of the Hero's angsty self-doubt over being forced into making such a morally questionable decision.

*** I will not accept any one-sided agreements, and I will adhere to the [[Exact Words]] of our agreement and no more if doing otherwise does not directly benefit me. If the Hero gets himself killed through his own stupidity then that's one less problem I have to deal with in the future, and if he somehow succeeds then I can rightly claim that helping him in that particular instance was not in our contract.

** No matter how tempting it may be, I will ''not'' enter into any sort of pact with said worse alternative. Such pacts inevitably end in betrayal, and I will most likely be targeted by the heroes merely by association.

* [[Mind Control]]: None of it, ''EVER'', even the most complex mind control can be broken easily with a bit of effort, [[The Power of Love|Love]]/[[Power of Friendship|Friends]] or what have you, and merely the act of doing it will send you down a very, very quick spiral to a [[Karmic Death]].

* If I absolutely must have brainwashed henchmen, I will not give them the keys to my inner chambers.

* I will keep up good PR. If I find out a child has been orphaned, I shall take him in and politely ask if any family in the land can take him in. Until such time happens, I shall teach this child and spend time with him. This puts me off as a ruler who cares for his subjects. Any people convicted of a crime, except for ones such as rape or mureder, shall be given a one time pardon, putting up a merciful mask. I will also make sure everyone can have a job, house, food, etc., and all poverty stricken areas are given immediate detection. That way, when said Hero or Rebel faction walks into the town to try and recruit, people will report him to the guards stationed nearby. After all, if your people are happy having you as a leader, why would they want to rebel against you?

* If I find out that said prophecized person has been born in a village/town/city, I will immediately give that city my full attention. I shall repair all buildings, sewers, and public buildings. I shall set it up so said Hero's father is governor of that area, and constantly send that family, along with other Governor's families so not to make them jealous, gifts or supplies. I shall take special intrest in said Hero, raising him to become [[The Dragon|one of my trusted lieutenants]], that way if he does eventually turn on me, I can distract him long enough of how I helped his entire family, and while he contemplates all I've done for him, promptly shoot him.

* I will not belive any quote on the Additional Vows, as they are all lies.

* If [[The Hero]] attempts to construct or use mecha, I will first see where my universe stands on the sliding scales of seriousness versus silliness as well as the sliding scale of scientific hardness or softness. I will then respond accordingly.

** In a silly universe, I will take advantage of the world's natural silliness. I will counter the the heroe's mecha by doing something silly like make it fall over a banana peel or bind all its legs with duct tape.

* Self-preservation will always come before the plan, if I fail and everything starts to come down around me, I ''will not'' let pride get the better of me and go down with the ship or commit suicide, I'll drop what I'm doing and escape immediately.

* I will never underestimate the advantages of good intel and high power sniper rifles. It may not be chivalrous or fair to shoot the hero in the back from miles away but I am more likely to succeed this way. If it does not work I will carry on trying at random intervals.

** I will also not sire any [[Dhampyr|half-breeds]] if procreation by reproduction is an option, I'll make my lover understand that having a half-breed son will end in my death and try to convince her to turn willingly.

* I'll keep in mind [[Guns Are Worthless|which side of the]] [[The Lethal Connotation of Guns and Others|gun usefulness spectrums]] the universe is on and train my minions accordingly.

* Refugees from anywhere will be subjected to strenuous background checks and psychological exams, but if they pass, I will make it clear to society that they are to be aided and helped, as they are now fellow citizens of the Empire.

** My council of advisors will include people from other nations and people with access to the records of other nations, to better evaluate refugees and make sure no one's smuggling in rebels or assassins.

* I will never, ever create technology that can [[A Girl and Her Fed|bypass all security and lay bare the secrets of everyone, and drive the users insane so they can be controlled more easily.]] That shit not only gets you nowhere, it usually ends with rebellions and your creations being used against you.

** All cases must have a five-year-old child on the jury. Careful attention is to be paid to everything that child says.

* I will encourage parental loyalty, but if there's nothing to be loyal to, the child or children will be placed in foster-care.

* I will give all possible aid to allied nations who need it, so that the hero will have trouble finding allies there who oppose me.

* If I must kill someone and I know that the public will inevitably hear about it, I will explain why I did it and why it was unavoidable, placing emphasis on any treason, rebellion or other detrimental aspects of the victim's life.

* I will not kill people just because they don't like me.

** Dissenters will be allowed to explain why they are dissenting. If they have a point, I will rectify the problem.

** Failing that, I will hide the statue somewhere no one would ever think to look for it, or even learn it exists. The last thing I need is my [[Eviler Than Thou]] predecessor being released by some asstarded coincidence like [[My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic|kids arguing next to it]]. I turned him to stone for a reason.

** I will never admit to subjecting people to this fate if the victim remains conscious. [[And I Must Scream]] is rather high on the list of [[Moral Event Horizon]] violations.

* My retirement plan for myself is going to have enough challenges to keep my genius occupied. Too many accomplished villains grow bored with enjoying their victory and go back to fighting battles they have already won (thus setting themselves up for defeat at the hands of a hero) purely out of nostalgia.

* I will make sure that I have one person one my evil council whose job it is to argue against anything suggested. He will not be punished for disagreeing with me.

** Even a private quiet wedding isn't a hot idea. Contraceptives are not always reliable.

** Those commemorative coins [[Evil Overlord List|in rule #79]] can be just like a fingerprint or shoeprint as a means of identification. And who knows just what the hero can do with one of those damn things?

** Likewise with basic cable, especially [[Reality Television]]. For that reason, Monday evenings ([[The Bachelor]] and [[Dancing With the Stars]]) will be a key point for any significant activity regarding my realm. On the other hand, any program on which there has been a report of [[Table Flipping]] will be subjected to the equivalent of a drive scrubbing.

* My legions of evil will not be [[Faceless Goons]] [[A Cure for Love|and they will all wear helpful "Hello, my name is..." nametags so I know who to punish if they step out of line.]]

* If I see an escape pod leaving a vessel I have just commandeered, I will destroy the escape pod, even if there doesn't appear to be anyone on board. Ammo may not be cheap, but the saying goes, "pay now or pay later."

* In the event I capture someone who appears to be a civilian, I will carefully monitor the heroes to see if one them is missing or is acting suspiciously out of character. That way I'll be able find out if the "civilian" is actually one of the heroes.

** Whenever prisoners are exchanged for ransom only half of them will be brought to the exchange site. I will then have a competent minion verify that the heroes have kept their end of the bargain (i.e. they have given us the requested items, and said items are not trapped). If they have the other half of the prisoners will be released. If the item is fake or trapped I will either release the remaining prisoners (lulling the heroes into a false sense of security), or publicly execute them.

* As good slaves are hard to come by I will ensure slaves are well fed and hydrated and properly clothed for the environment they are working in. If financially feasible I will make their living conditions better then what they were prior to becoming a slave. (Assuming they don't put undue value on their freedom).

 

{{reflist}}

[[Category:Evil Tropes]]