Baldur's Gate/Funny: Difference between revisions

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'''Desharik''': A parrot?

'''Minsc''': Certainly! As I have my Boo, so too must you have your parrot! Boo likes parrots. They could wrassel.

'''Desharik''': I've seen enough. Congratulations, you are on your way to Spellhold. You are clearly a danger to the general community. By the gods, I think I'm stupider for just talking to you. }}

'''Desharik''': I've seen enough. Congratulations, you are on your way to Spellhold. You are clearly a danger to the general community. By the gods, I think I'm stupider for just talking to you.}}

** "Evil, meet my sword. SWORD! MEET! EVIL!"

** Another good one, when a boy named Delon asks him if he's a warrior:

{{quote|'''Minsc''': Minsc and Boo are the greatest warriors, small one! I will crush your foes into little foe-shaped chunky bits! Who dares pick on you? Just point the way!

'''Delon''': I... I don't have any foes, sir...

'''Minsc''': No foes? I am relieved. I trust those who prey on children no farther than they can be thrown, even if I manage to throw them pretty far, [[Metaphorgotten|and throw them I shall!]] }}

'''Minsc''': No foes? I am relieved. I trust those who prey on children no farther than they can be thrown, even if I manage to throw them pretty far, [[Metaphorgotten|and throw them I shall!]]}}

** Minsc and Sarevok:

{{quote|'''Sarevok:''' Ranger! Turn your rodent's gaze another direction! I will not be scrutinized as though by some ridiculous divining rod!

'''Minsc:''' Boo has an uncanny judge of character, but you...you give him trouble.

'''Minsc:''' Boo has an uncanny judge of character, but you... you give him trouble.

'''Sarevok:''' I shall give him more than that if this continues! I nearly conquered a nation! I will not be judged by a creature that stores nuts in its cheeks!

'''Jan:''' (If present) Hey! I resemble that remark.

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'''Sarevok:''' I'm still in hell, aren't I? [[Only Sane Man|This is insanity]].

'''Minsc:''' Ah, finally a calming look across your face. Boo's handywork, no doubt. Doesn't that feel better?

'''Sarevok:''' Let's...let's go kill something. Soon. }}

'''Sarevok:''' Let's...let's go kill something. Soon.}}

* And Jan Jansen. Especially that one time where you can actually play along with Jan's stories to annoy Viconia.

{{quote|'''Jan:''' So Viconia, I suppose [[Captain Obvious|you must be a drow]], eh?

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'''Protagonist:''' [choosing the second dialogue option] Truthfully, it all goes back to the time that Jan's cousin, Plooty Paladin-piper, got caught in a nasty flesh golem eating contest...

'''Jan''': Aye, Plooty had a way of attracting golems. Brilliant, really. You start with a saucer of milk - golems are suckers for milk...

'''Viconia''': I refuse to listen to this. }}

'''Viconia''': I refuse to listen to this.}}

** Also, this epic [[Hurricane of Puns]]:

{{quote|'''Jan:'''"Well... I had an Uncle Richard that tried to bring nude theater to a festival in Waterdeep... Exposure is usually good for an actor's career, but even so, a cold reception for the play caused the cast to shrink steadily. Blackballed, my uncle tried to recruit from the thieves' guild, but they wouldn't let their nick-ers go. 'Just bare with me,' he would say, but they were afraid of being stripped of their dignity. He gave up the lead to attract new members, and eventually the production's genius was uncovered, even with his part left out."}}

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'''Sarevok:''' I will not be mocked, gnome! This is your last warning!

'''Jan:''' Of course, they say that Duke Eltan had already had a bit of Auntie's pie and enjoyed it immensely. Rather than become hypnotized, he just became rather pleasantly obsessed with silken undergarments. This, of course, led to the first Great Underwear Shortage. It's also known as the Three-Year Wedgie Drought, but that's another story completely.

'''Sarevok:''' AUUUUGHHH!! How maddening! How you can put up with such impudence, <CHARNAME>!! }}

'''Sarevok:''' AUUUUGHHH!! How maddening! How you can put up with such impudence, <CHARNAME>!!}}

*** Heaven help Sarevok if you put him in a party with Minsc '''and''' Jan.

** You can't go back to any of the places recruitable party members are found (e.g., the Copper Coronet) in the expansion, but you ''can'' use your power to teleport any of them <ref>~~(who~~ are still alive)</ref> across the continent and into your Pocket Plane to join you. While they don't get any warning whatsoever and some of them aren't happy at being yanked away from whatever they were doing, Jan is surprisingly unsurprised.

** You can't go back to any of the places recruitable party members are found (e.g. the Copper Coronet) in the expansion, but you ''can'' use your power to teleport any of them <ref>Who are still alive.</ref> across the continent and into your Pocket Plane to join you. While they don't get any warning whatsoever and some of them aren't happy at being yanked away from whatever they were doing, Jan is surprisingly unsurprised.

{{quote|'''Jan:''' Oh, is it that time already?

'''CHARNAME:''' That's all you have to say? Did you know you were coming?

'''Jan:''' Well, it's like my Uncle Spanky used to say...there's just no point in wetting your pants and screaming if you suddenly find yourself on another plane. Especially if you're dead. What kind of a start to the afterlife would that be? Better to just look like you know what you're doing and impress the hell out of everyone. Of course, Uncle Spanky didn't often follow his own advice. He was once laughed off of Mount Celestial by a pair of mischievous planetars, I hear. (bastards!)

'''Jan:''' Well, it's like my Uncle Spanky used to say... there's just no point in wetting your pants and screaming if you suddenly find yourself on another plane. Especially if you're dead. What kind of a start to the afterlife would that be? Better to just look like you know what you're doing and impress the hell out of everyone. Of course, Uncle Spanky didn't often follow his own advice. He was once laughed off of Mount Celestial by a pair of mischievous planetars, I hear. (bastards!)

'''CHARNAME:''' Alright, alright, enough. I need your help, Jan.

'''Jan:''' Time for a little adventure, is it? I figured as much. I saw some ogres down in Amn capture a poor Bhaalspawn...a kobold, that one, my but that Bhaal got around, didn't he? Anyway, they were stewing him in a big iron pot and I thought to myself, "Jan, my boy, that's adventure you're smelling."

'''Jan:''' Time for a little adventure, is it? I figured as much. I saw some ogres down in Amn capture a poor Bhaalspawn... a kobold, that one, my but that Bhaal got around, didn't he? Anyway, they were stewing him in a big iron pot and I thought to myself, "Jan, my boy, that's adventure you're smelling."

'''CHARNAME:''' That's horrible!

'''Jan:''' Not as horrible as the stew. [[I'm a Humanitarian|Very bland. No salt.]]

'''CHARNAME:''' That reminds me of that turnip beer-cake you foisted on me at Ma Jansen's place.

'''Jan:''' Well, that happens to be Aunt Petunia's special recipe, my dear (man/woman), and I'll thank you not to disparage it. I bet she could make something a mite tastier out of a Bhaalspawn kobold too, given the chance. Now are we going, or what? }}

'''Jan:''' Well, that happens to be Aunt Petunia's special recipe, my dear (man/woman), and I'll thank you not to disparage it. I bet she could make something a mite tastier out of a Bhaalspawn kobold too, given the chance. Now are we going, or what?}}

* Edwin, too. Especially his reaction to meeting the girl in the tavern in the Athkathla Docks District...

** Not to mention Edwin's reactions to ''becoming'' a girl.

{{quote|'''Salvanas''': Ahhh...I have not seen you here, before, lovely creature. How do you do?

{{quote|'''Salvanas''': Ahhh... I have not seen you here, before, lovely creature. How do you do?

'''Edwina''': Why...I'm just fine, you -- (aargh! Hold your tongue, fool!) Begone, you slithering eel!

'''Edwina''': Why... I'm just fine, you -- (aargh! Hold your tongue, fool!) Begone, you slithering eel!

'''Salvanas''': Ah, yes...the eel...I slither about your loveliness because you draw me to you. You...with your dark lashes and come-hither eyes...

'''Salvanas''': Ah, yes... the eel... I slither about your loveliness because you draw me to you. You... with your dark lashes and come-hither eyes...

'''Edwina''': I said begone! Can you not understand the simplest of common, you lumbering piece of filth!

'''Salvanas''': Salvanas understands you. He hears your words and feels your passion. Your fire ignites my own, my sweet...come to me...

'''Salvanas''': Salvanas understands you. He hears your words and feels your passion. Your fire ignites my own, my sweet... come to me...

'''Edwina''': My, but you are a flatterer! (Gah!) I mean...stop it, get lost! A fireball in your gullet would dampen your mood, lizard!

'''Edwina''': My, but you are a flatterer! (Gah!) I mean... stop it, get lost! A fireball in your gullet would dampen your mood, lizard!

'''Salvanas''': Nothing could keep me away from your exotic grace...those hands...those lips...that throat...that, er, Adam's apple?

'''Salvanas''': Nothing could keep me away from your exotic grace... those hands... those lips... that throat... that, er, Adam's apple?

'''Edwina''': GAAAAAHHHH!! (pig) NOW YOU DIE!! }}

'''Edwina''': GAAAAAHHHH!! (pig) NOW YOU DIE!!}}

** When the transformation happens, Edwin is upset that he's a woman but is particularly horrified when he realizes that his penis has disappeared. If you have Cernd in the party, he apparently makes a note of this and later on remarks offhandedly...

{{quote|'''Cernd''': Are the flowers not beautiful this time of year? Perhaps a little late in the blooming, but still...

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'''Edwina''': Yes, yes, yes, now will you please [[I Need You to Shut Up|cease your prattle]]!

'''Cernd''': Poor, Edwin. When nature casts aside an appendage, she is confident it will return in the proper season. My heart weeps for your insecurities. [[Worlds Smallest Violin|Weep, weep.]]

'''Edwina''': (I wonder what his nature would say about the cleansing power of [[Kill It with Fire|fire]]. I wonder.) }}

'''Edwina''': (I wonder what his nature would say about the cleansing power of [[Kill It with Fire|fire]]. I wonder.)}}

* Then, of course, there's [[Talking Weapon|Lilarcor]].

* Anything out of Xan's mouth in the first game did it for this guy. "We delude ourselves to think that our pitiable band will stand up to our enemies."

* "Bondari reloads"

{{quote|'''Bondari''': (I'm telling you we can take CHARNAME. Nanoc, you are unfettered by the weaknesses of the civilized world! Tim, you can cast magic missile! I will backstab. I bet she has all kinds of great treasure!)

'''Bondari''': Thanks. It was a good quest. I found a dagger and Tim here got a scroll of identify. In a couple of days he'll be able to tell me about my dagger. }}

'''Bondari''': Thanks. It was a good quest. I found a dagger and Tim here got a scroll of identify. In a couple of days he'll be able to tell me about my dagger.}}

* CESPENAR. His quotes + his voice + his usefulness = the best butler ever.

{{quote|"Ooooo... you like this one, maybe... like little smack on the tush, heh heh..."

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('''To anyone other than the protagonist:''')"Uhhh...Cespenar only serve the Great One. You is nice and all, but you is still a nobody."

"Oooo...big weapon, this (referring to the Ravager halberd). [[Compensating for Something|You over-compensating, maybe?]]"

"A glove? Only one? What is you, a [[Michael Jackson|rock star]]? }}

"A glove? Only one? What is you, a [[Michael Jackson|rock star]]?}}

* Even the normally [[Wangst|Wangsty]] Aerie Romance has one gem of funny. What can the protagonist answer when Aerie said everyone seems to be so down and needs to cheer up like in the circus?

{{quote|''Whatever, just don't go around turning everyone into chickens.''}}

* If you have the Expanded NPC mod for the first game, and Minsc is in your party when you encounter a pickpocket at the fair...

{{quote|'''Minsc:''' Its not nice to steal!

'''Pickpocket:''' Er...but I ''am'' a world famous pickpocket, after all, and, uh...you're kind of crushing my arm.

'''Pickpocket:''' Er... but I ''am'' a world famous pickpocket, after all, and, uh... you're kind of crushing my arm.

'''Minsc:''' IT'S NOT NICE TO STEAL! }}

'''Minsc:''' IT'S NOT NICE TO STEAL!}}

** Made better by Imoen playfully commenting to the same pickpocket how Minsc one killed a monster with his bare hands.

* Imoen's constant <s>weedling</s> requests for Dynahier to tutor her in magic.

* If you listen to [[Motor Mouth|Noober]] long enough, Imoen and Minsc will eventually snap and scare him off with some...''colorful'' threats.

* If you listen to [[Motor Mouth|Noober]] long enough, Imoen and Minsc will eventually snap and scare him off with some... ''colorful'' threats.

* Jaheira vs. Haer'Dalis:

{{quote|'''Haer’Dalis:''' Ah, my hound, this city be the great world of commerce! Perhaps we can sell Jaheira?

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'''Haer’Dalis:''' Well, my frumpy ptarmigan, I must protest-

'''Jaheira:''' "Methinks thou dost protest too much." Aya, I can quote the poets too. If you must protest, I respond only to hunger strikes and, even then, too late.

'''Haer’Dalis:''' Oh <CHARNAME>, raven of sympathy! Yon woman is stifling my creativity and stealing thunder from my wit! I swear I cannot work amidst the lashings of her tongue! }}

'''Haer’Dalis:''' Oh <CHARNAME>, raven of sympathy! Yon woman is stifling my creativity and stealing thunder from my wit! I swear I cannot work amidst the lashings of her tongue!}}

** If you have the expanded banter pack, Haer'Dalis fires back if you have Jaheira and Edwin together in a party:

{{quote|'''Haer’Dalis:''' He'll strike you dead with magician's flair

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'''Edwin:''' She would never live through the first act. I would find myself simply unable to slip out of character when asked by the script to stay my hand. (I am finding it hard to resist even now.)

'''Jaheira:''' Don't flatter yourself, Edwin. You would be fortunate to walk away with a permanent limp after the first rehearsal.

'''Haer’Dalis:''' Magnificent. Truly magnificent. }}

'''Haer’Dalis:''' Magnificent. Truly magnificent.}}

* Journal entry for one of the island quests in the first game:

{{quote|"We have agreed to retrieve Farthing's dolly should we come across it on the island. She has allowed us to play with the doll on the way back."}}

* The second time your party's thief teams up with Narlen and Rededge to burglarize a house, she or he has to think quickly when the owner (a jeweler named Gantolodran) starts to wake up.

{{quote|'''Gantolodran:''' Zzz*cough...wha...who's...who's there?

{{quote|'''Gantolodran:''' Zzz*cough... wha... who's... who's there?

'''Thief:''' Meow-w-w.

'''Gantolodran:''' Grrmble...blasted cat. Hrmph...snork...zzzzzz

'''Gantolodran:''' Grrmble... blasted cat. Hrmph... snork... zzzzzz

'''Gantolodran:''' Zzzzz...wha...wait a minute. I don't own a cat. Who's there?

'''Gantolodran:''' Zzzzz... wha... wait a minute. I don't own a cat. Who's there?

'''Thief:''' I'm a stray, go back to sleep. Shhhhhhhhhh

'''Gantolodran:''' YAWN...that makes sense...g'nite kitty...zzzzzz

'''Gantolodran:''' YAWN... that makes sense... g'nite kitty... zzzzzz

'''Gantolodran:''' Zzzz*Grumble...noisiest talking cat I ever heard...wha..what did I just say? Noisiest talking ca...Guards! Guards!

'''Gantolodran:''' Zzzz*Grumble... noisiest talking cat I ever heard... wha.. what did I just say? Noisiest talking ca... Guards! Guards!

'''Thief:''' The jig's up! Out, we must get out! }}

'''Thief:''' The jig's up! Out, we must get out!}}

* Tales of the Sword Coast has an encounter that lets you introduce yourself in a rather hilarious fasion:

{{quote|'''Player:''' I am Dinklemus Littlelog and I have come in search of the holy groundhog!}}

* When wandering around the Bridge District in the second game, you're treated to this exchange if you speak to a certain little girl:

{{quote|'''Girl:''' MY MOTHER SAYS THAT DARK ELVES SHOULD BE HANGED UNLESS THEY'RE NAMED DRIZZT!

'''Viconia:''' (sigh) So what else is new? }}

'''Viconia:''' (sigh) So what else is new?}}

* There's something deliciously narky about Jaheira's responses in the following conversation:

{{quote|'''Baron Ployer:''' Jaheira, you and your claims brought me shame and suffering, and today I am going to exact payment. For your slanderous accusations I am going to...

'''Jaheira:''' Well, the slander is going a bit far. You actually were a slaver, you know. It's not slander if it's proven. }}

'''Jaheira:''' Well, the slander is going a bit far. You actually were a slaver, you know. It's not slander if it's proven.}}

* One of Xzar's 'clicked-on' quotes is "STOP TOUCHING MEEEEEEEE!" in a very goofy-sounding voice.

* Jan has quite a few, though his attempt to steal Boo from Minsc might be the topper.