Church: Alright, shut up; I'm on the phone Tucker Jr.: Honk! Church: And do me a favor -- kill that fucking thing, would you? Tucker Jr.: Blargh... Vic:(contact established) Hey, dudes! Church: Vic! Hey, it's Church-- Vic: This is Vic at 555-VICK, doodily-doo! I'm not in the casito right now, so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta! (Voice Mail beeps) Church: Hey, Vic, this is Church. I need-- Voice Mail:You have reached the voice mail system. Church:(disgusted sigh) Okay, okay, come on. Voice Mail:To leave a message, just wait for the tone. Church: I know how to leave a goddamn message. Voice Mail:When you are finished recording, just hang up or press pound for more options. Church: Really. Hang up. No shit! I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voice mail. Voice Mail:For delivery options, press five. Church: Just give me the damn beep! Voice Mail:To leave a call back number, press eight. To page this person, press six-- Church: Come on! Voice Mail:To repeat this message, press nine. Church:I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady! Voice Mail:To mark this message as urgent, press eleven. Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE! Doc: Oooh, language! Voice Mail:To hear these options in Spanish, press dos. Church:I HAAAAAATE YOOOOU! (Voice Mail beeps) Church: Vic! It's Church! I need-- Voice Mail:I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full.(disconnect)
Durkon: Mighty Thor, yer humble servant asks ye for aid in me hour a' need. ThorPrayer: Hello, and welcome to ThorPrayer. [...] If you know the name of the miracle you would like to request, chant "one" now. Durkon: One! ThorPrayer: Please intone the first three letters of the name of the miracle now. Durkon: Well, I want to heal ye, so... H-E-A! ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heathen Smiting". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two". Durkon: Two! ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heat Blisters of Eternal Pain". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two". Durkon: Two! TWO! ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Tumor". To choose the type of tumor with which to smite Thor's enemies, chant "three" now. Durkon: Three. No! CRAP! ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Colon Tumor". Durkon: Gaah!
Press 1 - If everything is working fine.
Press 2 - If key 3 exceeds key 5.
Press 3 - If you would like to talk to 4.
Press 5 - For support in the Azores.
Press 6 - To go further back in line.
Press 7 - To win a Hovedøya bus ride.
Press 8 - If your broadband's gotten broader.
Press 9 - If a banjo solo is in order.
—Øystein Sunde, "Sentralbord-sangen" ("the Switchboard Song", translated from Norwegian)
