Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (novel)/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


  • Professor Lockhart's Valentine's Day celebration:

Lockhart: Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a love potion!
Snape was looking as if the first person to ask him for a love potion would be force-fed poison.

    • Made funnier by the fact that Love Potions are banned at Hogwarts.
  • "Make way for the heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through!"
  • "Soon the air was thick with flying gnomes."
    • "... the gnome, sensing weakness, sank its razor-sharp teeth into Harry's hand. He had a hard job shaking it off until- 'Wow, Harry! That must've been fifty feet!'"
  • After Snape fails to get Harry and Ron expelled, he's described as looking "as though Christmas had been canceled."
    • But... wouldn't Christmas getting canceled make Snape happy?
    • Christmas was canceled for Snape.
  • Oh my god, I can't believe that nobody has mentioned the Kwikspell thing from Chamber of Secrets. Seriously, I was laughing so hard at it, mainly because it was so easy to imagine it as an extremely Narmy infomercial complete with Bad Bad Acting and Too Incompetent to Operate a Wand.
  • "*referring to getting Moste Potente Potions via telling a teacher they're "just interested in the theory" of Polyjuice Potion* "Come on, no teacher's gonna fall for that. They'd have to be really thick..." *Gilligan Cut to Lockhart's class*
  • Not in the book, but on the Headscratchers page:

I can't remember if it was stated in the book, but where did the basilisk come from?
Salazar Slytherin hatched it a thousand years ago. It's been waiting all this time for the Heir of Slytherin to come and say "Wanna play fetch? Go get the mudblood! Go get it! Good giant snake thing! Atta boy!"

  • The Howler. All of it.
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