Jack Handey/Quotes

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the Earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me.

If you ever drop your keys in a river of molten lava, don't try to go after them because, man, they're gone.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!"

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You". After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger.

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.