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{{trope}}
[[File:TheyHaveNoUsesm 6010.jpg|link=Cave Story|
{{quote|''Ness used the Protractor!''
''Now, he can fairly easily figure out the angles of various things.''
|''[[EarthBound]]''}}
Finally! You braved the [[Bonus Dungeon]], beat the [[Bonus Boss]], and now you can claim the ultimate reward: the... ''Golf Club of Hilariously Low Damage''? Seriously?
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For the surprisingly powerful equivalent of the first type, see [[Lethal Joke Item]] and [[Nerf Arm]]. Characters that fill this role are [[Joke Character]]. Compare [[Improbable Weapon User]], [[Useless Useful Spell]]. Contrast [[Infinity+1 Sword]] (which is [[Purposefully Overpowered]]). Not to be confused with [[Weapons That Suck]]. Also not to be confused with [[The Killing Joke]]. If the item's name is a misspelling of a more useful item's name, it's a [[Poison Mushroom]].
{{examples}}
== [[Live-Action TV]] ==▼
* In ''[[Kamen Rider Decade]]'', the eponymous Rider has the ability to [[Mega Manning|use the powers of his nine predecessors]] [[Card Battle Game|via special cards slotted into his belt]]. However, since [[Kamen Rider Den-O|Den-O]] relied on his own strength and weapon skill rather than special attacks, Decade quickly learns that all his Den-O cards allow him to do is repeat Den-O's [[In the Name of the Moon|various catchphrases]].▼
** He does eventually get an honest-to-goodness special attack, but it proves useless mostly because he's fighting an insanely strong opponent.▼
* In ''[[Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger]]'', the Gokaigers learn that the Greater Power of the [[Gekisou Sentai Carranger|Carrangers]] they obtained is actually the Carrangers' [[Super Sentai Stance|pose]].▼
** Also the [[Bakuryuu Sentai Abaranger|Abare Pink]] Ranger Key, since rather than being an actual powered warrior it's just a homemade costume—and a particularly silly-looking one at that. It's used once, roundly mocked, and then promptly forgotten.▼
* ''[[Mortasheen]]'' has the Garbage Monsters, the Mons version of this. They're basically what happens when you screw up making a monster, or what happens to some of the spare biomass when you're creating one of the more powerful monsters. They're nigh mindless and pointless creatures, although some of them [[Magikarp Power|can eventually become the immensely powerful Garbage Beasts]]▼
==
* The easy to find Alucart equipment—easily confused for your lost scattered Alucar'''d''' equipment—in ''[[Castlevania]] [[Symphony of the Night]]'' have terrible stats, except if you equip ''all'' of them, you get a huge bonus to Luck.
** Joke item in more ways than one - [[Fridge Brilliance|It sounds close, if not exactly, to the phrase ''A La Carté'', usually in reference to taking only pieces of an entreé or set.]]
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** The developers of the game were also smart enough to hide it. The game's graphical assets are a bunch of [[PN Gs]] that are readily viewable by any image program. However, one of them, which contains the entire tileset for your reward, is scrambled in a horrible mess. You probably piece together what it is faster than it would take to complete Hell Temple, if you wanted to.
▲== Adventure Game ==
* ''[[Space Quest]] IV: Roger Wilco and the Time Rippers'' allowed you to pick up an Unstable Ordnance for 25 points, then put it back where you found it at a 20-point penalty, for a net gain of 5 points. If you did not put it back, you would explode when you dropped into the sewers.
▲== Fighting Game ==
* The ''[[Soul Series]]'' has "Joke" weapons for every character, ranging from paper fans to [[The Legend of Zelda|mighty Bug Nets.]]
** These may count as [[Lethal Joke Item]] : In ''Soul Calibur 2'', joke weapons were unblockable and made funny noises. In ''Soul Calibur 3'', they were weak, but provided more skill points than ultimate weapons.
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** It actually has a use; it refills the meter that leaves you vulnerable to a [[One-Hit Kill]] if it's empty. Meaning your opponent can't instantly kill you next round.
* In ''[[Super Smash Bros.|Super Smash Bros. Brawl]]'', certain items can [[Poison Mushroom|backfire]] or just simply fail to work. For example, there's a small chance the otherwise highly destructive Golden Hammer item will end up instead being a Golden ''Squeaky'' Hammer, which deals no damage to those it strikes.
* ''[[Kinnikuman: Muscle Fight]]''
** Kinnikuman has the Gyudon Ondo as a super. It barely does any damage, but switches the BGM to a version of Kinnikuman Sensation.
** Stecasse King has the "Kinnikuman from 3 years ago" tape as a reference to his loss to Kinnikuman in the ''[[Kinnikuman]]'' manga. When Stecasse King uses it, he becomes a coward and becomes a complete joke.
=== First Person Shooter ===▼
▲== First Person Shooter ==
* The ''Star Trek Voyager: [[Star Trek Elite Force|Elite Force]]'' Virtual Voyager mode allows you to pick up ''nothing but'' useless items - mostly Star Trek memorabilia.
* ''[[Call of Duty]] 2'', in the first single player level, has you chucking potatoes as practice grenades to save money. You can later throw them at the attacking Germans, which does nothing except confuse them.
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** The Dual Elite Pistols: Basically only included for [[Rule of Cool]], they usually aren't worth wasting money to purchase except in situations where you want to look cool.
▲== Hack And Slash ==
* ''[[Diablo]] II'' has Wirt's Leg, though this is not necessarily worthless as {{spoiler|(it is used to gain access to the [[Bonus Dungeon|Secret Cow Level]], and Cows provide very good drops for whatever difficulty level you're playing in at the time.)}}
** Not so in the original ''Diablo'', where [[Memetic Mutation|there is no cow level.]]
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* ''[[Sengoku Basara]]'' or "Devil Kings" had several joke items as top-level weapons for the characters. Some of them were [[Shout-Out]] to other games ([[The Hero|Yukimura]] using two [[Devil May Cry|Sparda swords]]), but others were totally ridicolous, including a set of Tambourines for [[Highly-Visible Ninja|Kasuga]], a ''Swordfish'' for [[Hot Uncle|Toshiie]], leeks for [[Older Sidekick|Kojuuro]] and oversized fork&knife set for [[Ax Crazy|Mitsuhide]].
=== [[Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game]]s ===
== [[MMORPGs]] ==▼
* ''[[Final Fantasy XI]]'' has a bunch of fireworks and costumes that do nothing but look pretty. Thankfully, they only come from events and [[Item Crafting]], not any endgame boss.
** Creating and completing mazes in Moblin Maze Mongers will earn you Moblin Marbles, which can be traded for things like a shovel or toy hammer, neither of which has anything remotely similar in the game. Oh, and the toy hammer actually makes squeeking noises when hitting targets :D
* In ''[[
* ''[[Kingdom of Loathing]]'' has the items from the Summon Hilarious Objects spell, which include "yellow snowcones," "clown hammers," and "fake hands." The vast majority of these are detrimental, though a couple can be useful.
* One ''[[Guild Wars]]'' quest rewards you with a scythe with a banana for a head. It's actually a decent weapon for a starting dervish (no attribute requirements and better damage than starting scythes), but by time you get a hold of it, even if you have a use for a scythe at all, you've probably got a much better weapon.
** At the end of the first bonus dungeon added after the release of the game you had to fight an enemy called "The Darkness". After defeating it it would drop a few unique items, most of them very good and useful. And an [https://web.archive.org/web/20100227193049/http://www.cybermoonstudios.com/8bitDandD.html Ogre-Slaying Knife. Damage: +9 (vs. Ogres)]. There aren't even many ogres in the game, and the base damage is 1-4, to simulate rolling a d4. For reference, ''starter swords'' in GW deal 3-5 base damage.
* ''[[World of Warcraft]]'' has scores of these, many of which are gained through the TCG spinoff. Some also fall in the category of [[We Buy Anything|Vendor Trash]] but some players keep them for pure entertainment. The probably most straight example is an epic item from a daily quest in Wrath of the Lich King, the Pa'Trolla Badge. While the item has an "equip" (Shows everyone how awesome you are) atttribute, it does absolutely nothing.
** Most notable of these vendor trash items are Pitchfork, Kobold Mining Shovel, Farmer's Broom, "The 1 Ring" (+1 to each primary stat) and of course "The Stoppable Force" which name is a pun of an epic weapon. Players have been seen putting expensive enchantments on them.
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* ''[[Phantasy Star Online]]'' has this in spades. A frying pan, a paper fan, a wok and ladle, and a toy hammer to name a few. It's spiritual successor ''[[Phantasy Star Zero]]'' also has these.
* In ''[[The Lord of the Rings Online|Lord of the Rings Online]]'' game there are some weapons like Shovel and Butter Knife are gained after a player gets high enough standing with some factions or enough tokens from high-level instance.
* ''[[City of Heroes]]'' has an annual Halloween event that involves "trick or treating" at doors. Generally, this results in either a "treat" (a minor but genuine goodie) or a "trick" (monsters come out to attack you.) Occasionally, in an homage to ''[[It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown]]''... [[I Got a Rock|you get a rock]]. The rock can be thrown (once) at an enemy to do [[Cherry Tapping|a very small amount of damage]].
* ''[[Twilight Heroes]]'' has weapons that give bonuses to the wrong type of damage (ranged vs. melee, for example) and computer programs that would make your computer more effective, if you could use your computer for anything else but running that program.
* ''[[Billy vs. SNAKEMAN]]'' has Novelty Bullcrap, which gives "+0 Gen Levels, +0 to All Ranges, +0 Stamina per day."
▲== Platform Game ==
* ''[[Earthworm Jim (video game)|Earthworm Jim]] 2'' had the bubble gun, a toy that just shot ordinary soap bubbles.
* ''[[Prince of Persia]]: The Two Thrones'': had a few of these you could unlock with codes or playthroughs - including a telephone and a swordfish.
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** ''[[Mega Man 10]]'': The Thunder Wool, which only hit a precise area in front of where it was launched, and anything hitting the cloud before it struck would cause the cloud to disperse.
=== Real Time Strategy ===▼
▲== Real Time Strategy ==
* The final Alliance mission in ''[[Warcraft]] 3: The Frozen Throne'' had "Wirt's other leg".
=== Roguelike ===▼
▲== Roguelike ==
* ''[[Ancient Domains of Mystery]]'' has the Potion of Stun Recovery and Scroll of Cure Blindness. Too bad you can't drink potions while stunned or read scrolls while blind. It also has the Potion of Uselessness, which [[Lethal Joke Item|rewards you with a random artifact if you find its one and only (super obscure) use]].
* ''[[Nethack]]'' has the Cheap Plastic Imitation of the [[MacGuffin|Amulet of Yendor]]. Sadistically, they're actually called "Amulet of Yendor" until identified (thankfully {{spoiler|they stack with other fakes}}).
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** They're also a nutritious snack for a laughably low amount of HP recovery.
=== [[Role Playing Game]]s ===
▲== Role Playing Game ==
* ''[[Final Fantasy]]'' appreciates the softness of gold by making gold swords have exactly one attack, making them the weakest weapon in the game; however, it notes the other property of gold by making the gold swords [[Vendor Trash|sell for a huge amount.]]
** ''[[Final Fantasy VII]]'' had a gag weapon for each character. Their stats were actually very high for that stage in the game, but the trade off was that they had no materia slots, meaning that if you used them, you'd actually be less powerful in the long run. Cloud had a [[Batter Up|nail bat]], Aeris had an umbrella, Barrett had a [[Rocket Punch]], Yuffie had a rubber ball, Vincent had a squirt-gun and Cid had a push mop. Cait Sith had a conch, but then his weapons were [[Improbable Weapon User|megaphones]] anyway.
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** The [[Poison Mushroom|"Potoin" and "Exilor"]] (sic) from ''[[Dirge of Cerberus]]''.
* Mother series:
** The Insignificant Item in ''[[
** ''[[
** ''[[Mother 3]]'' has a ''[[Brick Joke]]'' item. It's the doorknob that came off of Flint's house in Chapter 1. You acquire it after you beat the game.
* The HK droid Pacifist Package in ''[[Knights of the Old Republic]] 2'' is a completely useless waste of several thousand credits, but you get some awesomely hilarious dialogue when you install it in HK-47. It also gives him a small stat boost, so not completely useless.
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* ''[[Chrono Trigger]]'' has the mop, a weapon for Crono with an attack power of 1.
* ''[[Morrowind]]'':
** There's the Scrolls of Icarian Flight. They grant a massive Acrobatics bonus, allowing you to jump huge heights and distances, then land safely—well, except for the land safely part, as the bonus wears off in mid-jump. You find them on the corpse of their inventor after he falls from the sky.
*** Use one scroll to jump, activate another one when you see the ground approaching. Problem solved. At 115 or more points of Acrobatics, you don't take any falling damage whatsoever, irrespective of the height you fall from. As for the distance, two scrolls (one for jumping, one for landing) will get you from the point where you procure them to the center of Balmora.
** ''Morrowind'' also has the "Fork of Horipillation" - a, well, ''dinner fork'' which the player is tasked with killing a giant netch with. Of course, the quest-giver ''is'' the god of madness...
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* In ''[[Mega Man Star Force]]'' upgrades in RJ/BA for Omega-Xis can add animal sound effects for buster shooting and humorous dialouge for the talk(L) button.
=== Survival Horror ===▼
▲== Survival Horror ==
* ''[[Resident Evil 4]]'' lets you throw eggs at the Ganados. And, if you don't want to shoot [[Damsel Scrappy|Ashley]], [[Video Game Cruelty Potential|you can throw eggs at her]].
** Doing this in ''[[Resident Evil 5]]'' gives you an achievement. And throwing a rotten egg will '''[[Lethal Joke Item|kill]]''' a Majini.
=== Third Person Shooter ===▼
▲== Tabletop [[RPGs]] ==
▲* [[Mortasheen]] has the Garbage Monsters, the Mons version of this. They're basically what happens when you screw up making a monster, or what happens to some of the spare biomass when you're creating one of the more powerful monsters. They're nigh mindless and pointless creatures, although some of them [[Magikarp Power|can eventually become the immensely powerful Garbage Beasts]]
▲== Third Person Shooter ==
* ''[[Jet Force Gemini]]'' features the Fish Food. It "provides sustenance to fish. That is all".
** Although enemies will still react to Fish Food the way they would a thrown grenade.
** And [[Goddamn Bats|"roach" enemies]] will come up and eat it... leaving them wide open. Plus, certain drones are fascinated by it. Kind of a Lethal Joke Item once you work out its uses.
=== Turn Based Strategy ===▼
▲== Turn Based Strategy ==
* ''[[Shining Force]] II'' has the Chirrup Sandals, which cause the wearer to make a funny sound when walking, allegedly makes the wearer more likely to be attacked, and if equipped then unequipped by Slade or Bowie, may learn a dummy spell known as Higins, which looks like and uses the same MP as Heal but does absolutely nothing.
** If memory serves, using Higins gives a small amount of XP, and doesn't depend on having an effect like Heal does. This hardly seems worthwhile until you consider that there are a finite number of enemy creatures in the game, limiting the amount of XP you can get... unless you have a spell like Higins.
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* ''Disgaea II'' has the Supremacy sword weapon, obtained by stealing. They also have the Almighty Armor, in which is stolen from the same person who uses the Supremacy weapon. The armor's desription says it's an armor with the word "Almighty" on it.
=== Wide Open Sandbox ===▼
▲== Wide Open Sandbox ==
* In ''''[[Just Cause (video game)|Just Cause 2]]'', if you go to the Lautan Lama Alpha Communications Outpost and look south-southwest from it, you will see a field of white-leaved trees with a bell tower in the middle. On top of this bell tower is the Bubble Blaster. It is a purple kids toy which does absolutely no damage to anything you fire at.
** However, if you fire this weapon close to a civilian, the Panauan police will [[Artificial Stupidity|take it as a crime]] [[Disproportionate Retribution|and try to kill you.]]
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** Don't forget spitting, which actually becomes lethal with the right powerup.
** Several of the Joke Items give you +Humor points when you take photographs involving them, as well.
* In ''[[Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]]'' there is a dildo you can obtain relatively easily and use as a melee weapon. It's possible to kill people with it, but it's almost as weak as punching someone with the beginning game stats. The vibrator is hard to find and does the same amount of damage as the dildo so it's more of a novelty. The last one is flowers, which can be found all over the place and only real use is to give to girlfriends like all the above items.
** The flowers are a surprisingly effective melee weapon. Not [[Lethal Joke Item|lethal]], but about as good as a baseball bat and ten times as funny to [[Every Car Is a Pinto|blow up a car with]].
** ''[[Grand Theft Auto Vice City]]'' has several of these, including a screwdriver and a golf club. The golf club alone is worth it just for the animation of you hitting someone with it while they're down.
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* ''[[Terraria]]'' has the angel statue (according to the tooltip, "It doesn't do anything"), and the [[Whoopee Cushion]] (a rare drop which doesn't do anything but produce rude noises when used).
== [[Web Comics]] ==▼
* At one point in a strip of [[Sequential Art (webcomic)|Sequential Art]] Kat begins panicking and fires a pair of pistols she has at a ghost. Chances are she forgot they're Pez dispensers. Fortunately for her, one of the candies ends up poking the ghost in the eye, giving them a chance to run away.▼
* In ''[[Homestuck]]'', there are a few [[Weapon of Choice|Kind Abstratii]] that seem like they're jokes, like spoonKind, bunnyKind, and umbrellaKind, but they've all been shown to be useful in-universe and no one actually mocks them as weapons. However, the line is apparently drawn at fancysantaKind, a weaponset made entirely out of porcelain Santa figurines. One of the characters wants to see if [[Lethal Joke Weapon|fancysantaKind can actually be used effectively]], but he hasn't had any luck.▼
==
▲== Live-Action TV ==
▲* In ''[[Kamen Rider Decade]]'', the eponymous Rider has the ability to [[Mega Manning|use the powers of his nine predecessors]] [[Card Battle Game|via special cards slotted into his belt]]. However, since [[Kamen Rider Den-O|Den-O]] relied on his own strength and weapon skill rather than special attacks, Decade quickly learns that all his Den-O cards allow him to do is repeat Den-O's [[In the Name of the Moon|various catchphrases]].
▲** He does eventually get an honest-to-goodness special attack, but it proves useless mostly because he's fighting an insanely strong opponent.
▲* In ''[[Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger]]'', the Gokaigers learn that the Greater Power of the [[Gekisou Sentai Carranger|Carrangers]] they obtained is actually the Carrangers' [[Super Sentai Stance|pose]].
▲** Also the [[Bakuryuu Sentai Abaranger|Abare Pink]] Ranger Key, since rather than being an actual powered warrior it's just a homemade costume—and a particularly silly-looking one at that. It's used once, roundly mocked, and then promptly forgotten.
* The image editor GIMP offers image size templates for various standard screen resolutions and paper sizes...and then comes the "Toilet paper" template.▼
* ''[[Survival of the Fittest]]'' has this in spades. While plenty of the students get the expected guns, swords and explosives, some aren't as fortunate. A few examples of joke weapons in V4 include a plastic Poké Ball, a pool noodle, a tambourine and a set of marriage licenses.
** This is an obvious [[Shout-Out]] to [[Battle Royale]], where the weapons are completely random. The film includes a fork, a saucepan lid, and a paper fan as 'booby prizes'.
▲== Web Comics ==
▲* At one point in a strip of [[Sequential Art (webcomic)|Sequential Art]] Kat begins panicking and fires a pair of pistols she has at a ghost. Chances are she forgot they're Pez dispensers. Fortunately for her, one of the candies ends up poking the ghost in the eye, giving them a chance to run away.
▲* In ''[[Homestuck]]'', there are a few [[Weapon of Choice|Kind Abstratii]] that seem like they're jokes, like spoonKind, bunnyKind, and umbrellaKind, but they've all been shown to be useful in-universe and no one actually mocks them as weapons. However, the line is apparently drawn at fancysantaKind, a weaponset made entirely out of porcelain Santa figurines. One of the characters wants to see if [[Lethal Joke Weapon|fancysantaKind can actually be used effectively]], but he hasn't had any luck.
* One method of [[Human Sacrifice]] practised by the Aztecs was to have [[Gladiator Games]] pitting a prisoner of war armed with a [[Joke Weapon]] (such as a wooden club studded with feathers instead of the usual obsidian shards), tied to a rock, against a fully armed Aztec warrior.
▲* The image editor GIMP offers image size templates for various standard screen resolutions and paper sizes...and then comes the "Toilet paper" template.
{{reflist}}
[[Category:Truth in Television]]▼
[[Category:Video Game Items and Inventory]]
▲[[Category:Truth in Television]]
▲[[Category:Joke Item]]
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