All-Natural Snake Oil: Difference between revisions
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In the foods and medical industries, this is one of the more common forms of [[Polish the Turd|turd polish.]]
It is worth noting that for something to be described as natural, it must simply have been produced without direct human intervention. Technically, a solution of [http://scienceblogs.com/insolence/2006/05/ah_the_irony_of_it.php arsenic and mercury] in deadly nightshade sap could be sold as a natural substance because arsenic, mercury and deadly nightshade all occur in nature. In fact, the vendors could claim it reduces frequency of death due to
It should also be borne in mind that in food, the difference between natural and artificial colours and flavourings refers to how the molecules were made, and not what those molecules actually are. In truth, natural and artificial flavours are exactly the same molecules - the only difference is that one is extracted from plants using a variety of chemicals, while the other is made by reacting chemicals together in a test tube. Food chemists will tell you that "all natural colors and flavorings" just means "we made them the hard way". Just remember that rattlesnake venom is all-natural too.
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** [[Cool, Clear Water|Spring water]] isn't even good for you. According to the Discovery Health show ''Dr. Know'', there are chemicals naturally found in water that can be harmful when regularly ingested. Those chemicals are filtered out of tap water, but not out of bottled spring water. The only real problem with tap water was that the chlorine tastes terrible if you're not used to it, otherwise it's better for you.
*** Large parts of the world have better methods of cleaning tap water than chlorinating it. In the Netherlands and New York City, for example, tap water rated better in double blind taste tests.
** The main exception to this rule is if your local tap water is heavily polluted. This problem isn't restricted to developing areas of the
*** In UK most tap water is marked as drinkable (read - if it kills you/harms you it is not your stupidity) but at least in central London it is not what I'd like to drink every day. Similary in Warsaw - with the difference that there taps are not marked as drinkable but at least after boiling it does not kill you (taste is IMHO similar). Even if tap water is not polluted it still may have different taste or be not suitable for tea (or cats). One British tea company markets a special blend designed to give better results in the hard (calcium- and magnesium-rich) tap waters common in many parts of the UK.
** Dasani was a victim of this in the UK - between the embarrassment of the marketing campaign (in which they [[Did Not Do the Research]] about British English<ref>In case you're wandering, they advertised it as "Bottled spunk", unaware that spunk is a slang term for semen. Naturally this was a bit offputting.</ref>) and the revelation that it came out of a tap in Sidcup, Kent, it was essentially laughed off the shelves.
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* And who can forget Enzyte Bob, with his herbal supplements for "natural male enhancement"?
** This is true for a lot of [[Spammer|spam]] advertisements for "male enhancement" products, often tauting "all-natural [[Spice Rack Panacea|herbal forumla]]" and further stating that it was "[[Irony|developed for years by a team of dedicated scientists]]."
* The Irish government has recently commissioned an ad campaign about investment in renewable fuel, which tries to portray solar and wind power as better than coal and oil because it's natural. In fact, such renewable power is exactly as natural as non-renewable power; sunlight, wind, oil, and coal all occur in nature, and all require artificial power plants to generate electricity. Somewhat hypocritically, the government refuses to consider nuclear power, despite the fact that it's even more
** Amazingly, a well-built, properly ran nuclear facility is safer and more environmentally friendly than coal power. Chernobyl was partially due to poor construction, but the direct cause was a particularly egregious case of human error; scientists ''[[Too Dumb to Live|intentionally disengaged all fail-safes and safety protocols]]'' in the reactor and put massive strain on it ''to see if it could safely shut down under those conditions'', while the actual accident was caused by a design fault exposed when it did.
*** Actually and very much ironically, the experiment which led to the Chernobyl disaster (due to various reasons, including the fact that the experienced crew trained to perform the experiment was rotated due to a delay, which meant a different, inexperienced crew had to do the experiment, which is just another "dumb" on the huge heap that led to the accident on its own and its consequences worldwide) was meant to improve the safety of the plant. You see, the problem the engineers brought up was that in a case when external power was not available (ie. the power grid fails, which was not all that uncommon and wouldn't be helped in the least by suddenly losing 3200MW from the nuclear power plant itself) the pumps that made the coolant flow would not function and the lack of cooling (even after the core is shut down, it would retain a lot of waste heat before stabilizing) would lead to core damage (not dangerous, but very expensive and putting the plant out of order for quite a long time). The experiment was meant to allow the braking turbines to power the pumps before the backup diesel generators could kick in (about a minute or so, which is quite a problem when the core still produces 200MW or so). The reasoning behind the experiment was sound, the accident itself was very unfortunate. Yeah, it couldn't happen in a properly built nuclear power plant (by today's standards), but that argument is so easy to make in hindsight. Even then, it required a lot of failures in order to bring the plant down (like say, a Tsunami wiping out the backup plan, the backup-backup plan, and destroying all the infrastructure for emergency responders use to respond). It's just that lots of them aren't even possible in a modern plant. However, most of them were only a result of trying too hard.
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*** Not just that, the fact that it is liquid makes it easier to add to many products. Although simple syrups can be made from sugar to do the same thing it is more of a hassle and is even more expensive than adding just sugar, and corn syrup is easier to use in most cases.
*** Still, anyone who thinks that "all sugars are pretty much the same" should talk to someone who is lactose intolerant.
* [[Inverted Trope|Inverted]] example: In Australia, some of the engine oil ads sing the virtues of synthetic oils over the "natural" oils, since "natural" oils has things in it that cause wear in engine parts. Of course, both varieties of engine oil are synthetic in some
** It's not just Australia; several of the brands selling "synthetic" engine oils here in the States make similar claims.
*** There's actually a very, very good reason for this: There are two methods of producing oil. One is through a process called the Fischer-Tropsch Process, which is expensive, but allows you to produce any hydrocarbon you want. This process uses a gas called "synthetic gas" (It's carbon monoxide and hydrogen gas produced from natural gas) and is very efficient; this, or a similar process, is most likely the source of the "synthetic" oil. The second method is the refining of crude oil, which always has some impurity in it. (Sulphur is a big one.)
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* One should also be careful, because "natural flavor" does not mean "made with what it sounds like it's made with". As [http://www.cracked.com/article_15982_5-horrifying-food-additives-youve-probably-eaten-today.html this ''Cracked'' article] sarcastically but correctly points out, if it says "natural flavor" on your orange candy, it wasn't made with oranges; if it had been, that would be a selling point. It also points out that natural flavor could be ''anything'' provided it wasn't made in a lab. Cat urine and goat jizz are two examples they list. They hasten to point out that these probably aren't in your foods (yet), but all the same, maybe it's time to start being horrified.
** Buttered popcorn is a bit better, where "natural flavor" usually means "we took the ingredients for butter, we just didn't turn them into actual butter".
* The advertising for many "natural" products makes a big deal about not using "refined sugar"; but are instead "fruit juice sweetened". The problem with this claim is that the "fruit juice" used is actually [http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0813/is_n8_v18/ai_11450786/ ''deionized'' fruit juice]. This is essentially bland-tasting
** Juice blends also tend to slide into [[Asbestos-Free Cereal]] territory here. A common trick is to splash "Blueberry" or "Pomegranate" or a similar expensive juice on the label and add "100% juice." Which it is, but the bulk is a cheaper juice as a base, usually apple. The expensive juice merely provides a little flavor.
* Many manufacturers of snack chips (we're looking at you, Frito-Lay) like to point out that their products are "all natural." They do have a better claim than much of this list - most chips are just potato slices/batter or cornmeal, fried in plant oil and salted. The problem is that there's more than enough oil to be fattening - Fritos in particular are so soaked in it that they ''quick-burn''.
** Having seen Fritos used as kindling, it's surprising they've never marketed it as having more practical uses than as a snack.
* Providing the second quote for this page is ''[[Cracked.com]]'''s list of [http://www.cracked.com/article_18549_8-health-foods-that-are-bad-your-health.html "8 Health Foods That Are Bad For Your Health"], which puts herbal supplements squarely at Number One. The article points out that, unlike pharmaceutical medicines, alternative and herbal remedies aren't regulated by the FDA, which means that some of them can be downright dangerous. In addition to herbal supplements, the article notes the dangers of such "health" foods as fast food salads
** The non-regulation of "supplements" is a major problem for athletes who use protein powders, as they fall into this regulation category even though they're definitely food, and used in much larger amounts.
* One of the most famous and egregous modern-day "snake oil salesmen" is infomercial star [[wikipedia:Kevin Trudeau|Kevin Trudeau]], who was convicted of credit card fraud and grand larceny in the past and had to pay a fine in 1999 for making dangerously erronenous health claims in the past before restarting and publishing his same old flim-flam under the ''[x] "They" Don't Want You To Know About'' series of books. The ''Natural Cures'' one was shown to feature "cures" for such things as '''cancer and diabetes'''. You know, illnesses that will ''kill'' you if you don't get proper medical care for them. Trudeau has no medical expertise or a medical background at all. None.
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* In Australia there is an ad for Raid (Bug spray) that claims that mums will like it cause it's all natural. As if that makes the poison any better.
** Made worse by the fact the plant-based extract is the same core ingredient as ''every other insecticide on the domestic market''. Anything more powerful would be farm- or industrial-grade and require hazmat suits and fumigation procedures to use "safely".
* One of the easiest signs is to count the number of health claims on a food product and correlate it positively to the number of calories. (For instance, Three Musketeers have less fat, but more calories, than Hershey's.) Some of these are particularly socially irresponsible, such as all-natural margarine,<ref>Made from palm oil, almost as much a source of Colombian unrest as cocaine.</ref>
** Most oils use the hexane process to get as much out of the oil seeds as possible, to the point that "expeller pressed" is practically synonymous with natural oil.
* Played shamelessly straight in a commercial for Herbashine hair care products. "The only one made with bamboo extract. Bamboo, like naturally strong." Yeah, I'm fairly certain that's not how it works.
* Spoofed in a sketch on ''A Bit of Fry and Laurie'' in which a brand of cocoa is advertised as containing "nature's own barbiturates and heroin".
** Another sketch features a doctor prescribing cigarettes, reassuring his patient that tobacco is a herbal ingredient.
** Or rather, a white-coated man masquerading as a doctor - the punchline is that he's a tobacco salesman. "Doctor? Whatever gave you that idea?"
* The same idea is used in an episode of ''[[House (TV series)|House]]'' in which the eponymous
** Of course, his serious argument was that 3 cigarettes a day was the most cost-effective and fun treatment for the patient (a [[Mall Santa]]) who had [[Fartillery|extreme flatulence]]. Dr. Cuddy (his boss) begged to differ, but no matter.
* Parodied in the first episode of ''[[The Sarah Jane Adventures]]'' with BubbleShock! The advertisements all say, "Contains Bane. It's organic!" Nobody ever asks what Bane ''is''. {{spoiler|It's an alien mind-control parasite; organic, sure, but also very much alive, and pure evil to boot.}}
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*** He also has a chest warmer made of goose grease and bread pudding. Apparently he stuffs that down his shirt instead of down his throat but it keeps him going so whatever works.
** Numerous of his books refer to a drink called Scumble, which, as is innocently said, is made of apples - well, mostly apples. However, it is [[Gargle Blaster|one of the most strongly alcoholic liquors known on the Disc.]] Nanny Ogg's cooking contains numerous variations.
** And ''[[Discworld/Making Money|Making Money]]'' features Splot, a hot drink that picks people up,<ref>[[Footnote Fever|By their testicles, and throws them through the roof]]</ref>
** The Discworld Companion has an entry on Jimkin Bearhugger's Homeopathic Sipping Whisky. Jim failed to understand why the slogan 'Every Drop Diluted 1 Million Times' failed to attract customers even though, in theory, even being in the same room as an uncorked bottle should have gotten you riotously drunk.
* An episode of ''[[Eureka]]'' revealed that all the victims had eaten the chicken which came from a chicken farmer (who actually ''cloned'' the birds because it was less cruel that way) who fed the poultry a certain nutrient solution. She had no problem using the nutrient because it was natural, and therefore safe to use. At least until a doctor pointed out it was known to ''degrade people's brains''. Note that this was an ''organic'' chicken farmer who cloned only ''parts'' of the chickens for human consumption. Yes, ''organically'' cloned chicken parts.
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{{quote|Its alright dear, I've used fat-free fat.}}
* [http://plover.net/~bonds/atkins.html Dr. Atkins' Cholera Revolution]!
* Not exactly a parody, but an episode of ''[[Law & Order|Law and Order]]'' has a doctor fraudulently selling something like this as a breast cancer cure,<ref>which was based on the already banned "cure," [[wikipedia:Amygdalin#Laetrile|Laetrile]]
* The whole bottled water thing was mocked in the ''Mother Nature's Son'' episode of [[Only Fools and Horses]], with the bottled water coming from the tap and being bottled in a production line through their kitchen. Referenced a lot in UK media at the exact time Coca Cola's Dasani brand was also found out to be purely tap water, and made slightly more funny when it turned out that the real life example also had something in the water supply.
* In [http://www.zug.com/pranks/natural/ this article], a man puts the idea that 'all natural' is the same as 'good for you' to the test- by eating all natural soap, toiletries, pet treats and aphrodisiacs.
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{{quote|'''Idiot citizen''': What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. And syrup comes from a bush.}}
* A ''[[The Far Side|Far Side]]'' cartoon features an [[The Igor|Igor]]-like character walking into a shop selling "unnatural foods".
* In the 1920s and 1930s, there was a vogue for gland transplantation, especially procedures involving xenotransplants, or non-human tissue.
** [[wikipedia:John R. Brinkley|John R. Brinkley]] became rich and infamous by transplanting tissue from goats (mainly testicles or ovaries) into men and women. He initially promoted these procedures as treatments for impotence and infertility, but later claimed that they cured dozens of ailments, ranging from flatulence to dementia.
** [[wikipedia:Serge Voronoff|Serge Abrahamovitch Voronoff]], after experimenting with injections of testicular tissue from dogs and guinea pigs, began treating patients by transplanting thyroid glands, testicles, and ovaries from simians such as chimpanzees and baboons.
*** Little has changed since then: testosterone-supplements are STILL an important ingredient in anti-aging quackery.
* Homeopathic remedies claim to work on the principle of [[You Fail Pharmacology Forever|"like cures like"]]. The idea is that an active substance (arsenic, for example) has [[You Fail Physics Forever|"energy"]] that can be transferred to water by shaking a mixture vigorously (but homeopaths say that only they know how to do the proper kind of shaking), and the more times you repeat the mix-and-shake procedure (to the point that you'd be lucky<ref>or, in the case of arsenic, unlucky</ref> to get one molecule of the original substance in a swimming pool) the more powerful the energy gets. And water that's been energized by the arsenic that's been diluted out of it ''cures'' [[Insane Troll Logic|arsenic poisoning and any illness whose symptoms vaguely resemble arsenic poisoning.]]
The whole deal sounds even less credible when one is told how this system was "discovered" and developed. It started out with a man having the idea of "fighting fire with fire" with his patients. They came in with say, symptom x, he prescribed them something which is supposed to cause symptom x (usually one poison or another—people don't seek medical aid for benevolent symptoms). He began experimenting with different doses of said poison, to find that the less he prescribed, the faster the person recovered, and so he began diluting his "medication" to a point there was little more then simple water left in it. As a side note, any time a homeopathic fan tells you that it's better than "modern Western medicine", point out that it was invented by a German in the 1800s. It tends to blow their minds.
** Another incarnation of 'like fights like' was the doctrine of signatures. Basically: if a plant has leaves that look kinda like a human liver if you squint a bit, than that plant can be used for diseases of the liver. The theory was popular with galen and his contemporaries and was revived during the renaissance. The main 'proof' behind the idea was that god had been friendly enough to mark all beneficial herbs with a nice instruction-manual.
* And let's not forget [http://www.museumofquackery.com/devices/radium.htm Radio-Active Water] which was perfectly safe just like those natural radium sources being used as health springs at the time.
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