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Steven Wright/Quotes: Difference between revisions
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{{quote|I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.}}
{{quote|I went to the movies, and the prices were adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."}}
{{quote|It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.}}
{{quote|I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... "Boy With Pail"... "Kitten On Fire".}}
{{quote|I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.}}
{{quote|I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...}}
{{quote|Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone. It had no five on it. I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My phone has no five." He said, "That's really weird. How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... My calendar has no sevens."}}
{{quote|I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!}}
{{quote|I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious.}}
{{quote|I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.}}
{{quote|My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.}}
{{quote|Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.}}
{{quote|I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.}}
{{quote|The other day I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.}}
{{quote|The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.}}
{{quote|I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of [[Harry Houdini|Houdini]] locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of [[Norman Rockwell]] beating up a child.}}
{{quote|In [[Las Vegas]], I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.}}
{{quote|I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.}}
{{quote|I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.}}
{{quote|I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.}}
{{quote|I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.}}
{{quote|If you had a million [[Shakespeare]]s, could [[Monkeys on a Typewriter|they write like a monkey]]?}}
{{quote|I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.}}
{{quote|Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.}}
{{quote|Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.}}
{{quote|I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.}}
{{quote|Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.}}
{{quote|A friend of mine has a [[Trophy Wife|trophy wife]], but apparently, it wasn't first place.}}
{{quote|One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said "Hi," and she said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said, "Yeah, I guess." I said, "What do you mean 'you guess'?" She said "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you, I don't even know you." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane." I said, "Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein."}}
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