Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG: Difference between revisions

616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.

798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.

2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers.

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1689. 1/3 of the elf homeland's GDP does not go to hair care products.

1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves.

2274. I am not transelven.

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388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.

517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.

731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause [[Highlander|a cool pyrotechnics display]]. }}

* [[Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny]]:

{{quote|1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not [[Mission Impossible|disavow knowledge of him]] until after the mission is over.}}

* [[Awesome McCoolname]]:

1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker. }}

* [[Ax Crazy]]: On a number of occasions.

{{quote|

11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.

1912. No more surprise parties for the berserker. }}

* [[Ayn Rand]]:

* [[Battle Cry]]:

{{quote|

909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry [[Lost in Space|"DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"]] }}

* [[Beard of Evil]]:

589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.

1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county.

1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun. }}

* [[Big Bad Friend]] / [[Vitriolic Best Buds]]:

* [[Brick Joke]]

{{quote|

1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II. }}

* [[Bullet Catch]]:

{{quote|781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes."}}

* [[Cameo]]:

1199. [[Stan Lee]] does not have to make a cameo appearance in every single adventure. }}

* [[Camp Straight]]:

* [[The Casanova]] / [[Really Gets Around]]:

{{quote|362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.

1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out. }}

* [[Cast Full of Gay]]:

* [[Chainsaw Good]]:

{{quote|240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.

1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.

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* [[Character Alignment]]: .

{{quote|

1929. [[Ayn Rand]] has no affect on my alignment. }}

* [[Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys]]:

* [[Combat Medic]]: Plan A — don't get hurt.

{{quote|

1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks. }}

* [[Combat Pragmatist]]:

194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.

363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.

767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in. }}

* [[Combining Mecha]]:

1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf. }}

* [[Complaining About Rescues They Don't Like]]:

{{quote|90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay.}}

* [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]: For his GMs, at least.

1046. We can’t stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain. }}

* [[Dead Guy Puppet]]:

* [[Dungeon Bypass]]: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to...

{{quote|

1744. Can't one shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense.

}}

* [[Everythings Nuttier With Squirrels]]:

{{quote|56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.

999. I can't [[Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory|train squirrel mobs]] to [[Grappling with Grappling Rules|abuse the grapple rules]]. }}

* [[Everythings Smellier With Skunks]]:

676. My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP.

1132. There will be no more debating how much XP Mr. Tumnus would be worth.

1215. If I'm just a few XP from 16th level, I can't just cast fireballs at random forests until I hit something. }}

* [[Expy]]: The #1 entry prevents him from basing characters on [[The Who|Keith Moon]].

{{quote|303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing [[Burt Reynolds]].

452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters.

1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is [[Law and Order|Lennie Briscoe]], he dies. }}

{{quote|366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.

1278. An elf wardancer chick in nothing but body paint is totally hot. A Vesten berserker in nothing but body paint not so much.

1378. We will limit the total amount of conversation on the topic of "Hot Gnome on Gnome action." }}

* [[Fanon Discontinuity]]:

* [[Gatling Good]]:

{{quote|160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.

1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun. }}

* [[Gender Bender]]: [[Hermaphrodite|Restricted to male or female.]]

967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem. }}

* [[GMPC]]:

832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super [[NPC]] to foot the bill. }}

* [[Gratuitous Disco Sequence]]:

824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT. }}

* [[Hitler's Time Travel Exemption Act]]:

1317. My character will refrain from appearing with Hitler in any history books. Especially if I'm chasing him with a wheat thresher. }}

* [[Hive Mind]]: Ninjas do not have them.

{{quote|9. My monk's lips must be in sync.}}

* [[Hulk Speak]]: Banned

516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. }}

* [[Human Shield]]:

156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.

162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.

1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty -->" tabard. }}

** Although there are some limits:

{{quote|568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.'}}

* [[Karma Meter]]:

218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation. }}

* [[Kids Are Cruel]]:

* [[The Loonie]]: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition.

{{quote|

1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing." }}

* [[Loophole Abuse]]: '''CONSTANTLY.''' The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules. <ref>Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.</ref>

713. Even if the rules allow it, can't sink a battleship with a stapler.

715. Even if the rules allow it, I can't invent the strip joint.

2155. Getting multiple entries in a game's first errata is not a badge of honor.}}

{{quote|423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.

568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish'.

569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.

1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes. }}

* [[Make Wrong What Once Went Right]]:

299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.

337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.

2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.}}

* [[Mook Horror Show]]

* [[Noodle Incident]] / [[Noodle Implements]]: ''All the time.''

{{quote|

1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly [[Total Party Kill|TPK'd]] by a jerboa. }}

* [[No Pronunciation Guide]]:

* [[Off the Rails]]: He's tried. The DMs don't like it.

{{quote|

1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn't kill the villain with the first shot of the combat. }}

* [[One-Hit Polykill]]:

* [[Overused Copycat Character]]: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these.

{{quote|

405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.

}}

* [[Paper-Thin Disguise]]:

{{quote|

1928. Nobody is going to buy the disguised wookie as a jawa with a pituitary problems.

}}

{{quote|

138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.

1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN. }}

* [[Scenery Censor]]:

{{quote|

55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.

1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. }}

* [[Sdrawkcab Name]]:

1230. It's okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can't name my Garou Namflow. }}

* [[Selectively-Lethal Weapon]]:

* [[Shout-Out]]: TONS of these.

{{quote|

1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we [[Turbo Teen|douse him]] [[Ranma ½|with hot water]]. }}

* [[Similarly Named Works]]

808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.

901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building.

2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.}}

* [[Thrown Out the Airlock]]:

* [[The Unpronouncable]]

{{quote|

716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce. }}

* [[Useless Useful Spell]]

{{quote|

478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word "Ariba!"

516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. }}

* [[Virgin Sacrifice]]:

* [[Whatevermancy]]:

{{quote|

888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats. }}

* [[What Kind of Lame Power Is Heart, Anyway?]]:

351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast.

739. Can't make the Black Ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.

1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it's true. }}

* [[You Can't Thwart Stage One]]:

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