Warning! Readers' Advisory: Difference between revisions

{{work}}

 

Derek the Bard is the keeper of the greatest library in the world. Here, he shares his findings from the bottom of the stacks, reviewing strange, odd, and awful novels.

 

 

----

* [[Acting for Two]]: Or four or five.

** In Cloak & Dagger, the same actor plays both David's hallucinatory mentor Jack Flack and David's father. This never has any attention drawn to it in the movie.

* [[Ad Bumper]]: Conan: The Adventurer has the best ad bumpers in cartoon history.

* [[Adults Are Useless]]: In Cloak & Dagger, the adults either just don't understand, or are actively evil and plotting against the children.

* [[Affably Evil]]: Shewan Khan may plan to [[Mind Rape]] the world into submission and rule the planet, but he politely compliments Lamont Cranston's outfit. Plus, he's an admirer of Cranston's mentor and offers him a chance [[We Can Rule Together|to join him in world domination via brainwashing.]]

* [[And I Must Scream]]: Matt Frewer's state in the ''[[Generation X]]'' movie, after the dream machine is unplugged.

* [[Angrish]]: The Bard is stunned into a nonverbal state after reading ''[[Crooked Little Vein]]''.

** Stuart from Wolf. Rather than finishing an epic werewolf battle with Jack Nicholson, Michelle Pfeiffer shoots him.

* [[Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking]]: "I let you have porn! Why is The Omega here? WHAT'S THIS LOBSTER DOING HERE?"

** The writer of G-8.

** Apparently being bitten by nuclear snakes means the venom from the snakes bonds to one's T-cells and alters their genetics so they turn into snakes with whole brains and scales and everything. Oh, Curse II.

* [[Audio Erotica]]: The Toxic Avenger's voice, post-transformation.

** Funny version: Lloyd Kaufman himself complimented the Bard on his voice.

* [[Author Filibuster]]: Monsters. The plot is blah blah blah US foreign policy blah blah immigration blah blah blah. Oh, and somewhere in the background, there are Cthulhu elephants wrecking Mexico, but that's not important.

* [[Awesome McCoolname]]: DEATH HAWKINS, one of the Spider's undercover aliases.

* [[Bacon Addiction]]: [[Jesus|Joshua]], of all people, in Lamb.

* [[Badass Bookworm]]

* [[Badass Creed]]: The opening narration. Also recites the [[Dark Tower|Gunslinger's Creed]] in episode 5.

** Recites the [[A Song of Ice and Fire|Night Watch oath]] in episode 12

* [[Badass Spaniard]]: Apparently, according to Monsters, everyone in Mexico is completely cool with giant fungi-squids running around and handle it completely calmly.

** [[The Film Renegado]] goes off for lunch with Godzilla.

* [[Bad Santa]]: Sinterklaas in Sint... who is not a kindly bishop with punisher-elves following him around, but a violent zombie pirate who beheads people with his crozier. And has zombie pirate punisher-elves following him around.

* [[Battle Couple]]: The Spider and his wife (later nicknamed the Black Widow).

* [[Because Destiny Says So]]: The recurring theme of SF Shinseiki Lensman, much to the Bard's annoyance.

* [[Beethoven Was an Alien Spy]]: Nikola Tesla and Carl Sagan are among the science-heroes appearing in Atomic Robo to battle evil.

** Don't trash information science! It's just as SCIENCEY as any other science!

* [[Big Bad]]: The Collector

** The giant bee monster in The Bumble Beast.

** Mars is largely populated by them, and the inhabitants use them for everything from gladitorial games to transport to yogurt dispensers.

* [[Big Damn Heroes]]: Carl Sagan (of all people!) in Atomic Robo and the Shadow From Beyond Time.

* [[Bilingual Bonus]]: In the Toxic Avenger review, [[The Film Renegado|Film Renegado]] appears and rants in Spanish. It's subtitled "I love the Monster Hero!" What he's really saying is... not so much.

** ''[[Western Animation/Inhumanoid|Inhumanoid]]''s' "Primal Passions".

** "G-8 and his Battle Aces: 110 Big-Lipped Alligator Novels!"

* [[Bloody Hilarious]]: Several incidents in ''[[The Toxic Avenger]]''... except for the deep fryer scene.

* [[Boring Invincible Hero]]: G-8... who kicks all kind of ass throughout The Skies of Yellow Death and doesn't seem to even take much notice of the fact that he has life-threatening pneumonia.

* [[Boring Return Journey]]: Basically the plot of Monsters.

** [[Conan the Barbarian|BY CROM!!]]

* [[Brain Food]]: The Brain Bug thinks for its species. It also eats brains.

* [[Breaking the Fourth Wall]]: The side-characters all do it in episode 27.

** A special short episode in which he reads a children's book about books.

* [[Broomstick Quarterstaff]]: The Spider uses one to beat up giant wolves in New York City.

* [[By-The-Book Cop]]: The random 80s cop wandering around through Witchboard. The Bard calls him a reject from Last Action Hero.

** By the book, but his detective work could use some, well, work.

* [[Call Back]]: The Bard theorizes that Nikola Tesla hates Thomas Edison because Edison invented the Death Machine (as seen in a prior episode of the show).

* [[The Call Knows Where You Live]]: After the Lensman anime review, the Bard teleports to Bermuda... only to be found two episodes later and given another terrible book to review.

** The Vampires in their Own Words review was loaded with cameos from con-goers, including Mike Dodd and Doctor Holocaust.

** The Toxic Avenger features a cameo from Lloyd Kaufman, president of [[Troma]] Studios!

* [[Camp Gay]]: Lord Akeldama in Soulless.

* [[Canada, Eh?]]

** Helmuth in the Lensman anime is referred to as a Power Rangers villain. Which isn't much better.

** The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes' villain is at about this level.

** Innis: "Until the next time I have to fill in for the librarian, my name is Herr Doktor Innis du par Nachtetaffen, and one day, you will march to the beat of MY drums!"

** The Red Chef: "I'm the Red Chef, and if you can kill it, I can cook it!"

* [[Coat, Hat, Mask]]: The Shadow's incredibly simple but cool costume.

* [[Cool and Unusual Punishment]]: For allowing Diamanda Hagan to infiltrate the dream archives, the Bard is forced to read The Scent of Shadows.

* [[Crapsack World]]: Tromaville, from The Toxic Avenger.

** Also the New York City of The Spider and the Slaves of Hell.

* [[Critical Research Failure]]: Everything about ancient Greece during GI Joe and the Golden Fleece. Yeah, sure the ancient Greeks didn't know about bandages or healing wounds. It's not like Hippocrates was Greek or anything!

* [[Crossover]]: With [[Diamanda Hagan]], the [[The Film Renegado]], Andrew Dickman, and [[Mikey Insanity]].

* [[Darker and Edgier]]: The Spider and the Slaves of Hell. Dear god, the Spider.

** As well as the Extreme Ghostbusters, a [[Darker and Edgier]] upgrade over the somewhat more lighthearted Real Ghostbusters.

* [[Demonic Possession]]: Part of Witchboard. The evil ghost from the ouija board wants to possess someone.

** Warlock has the most utterly redundant foreign title ever. In the Philippines, it's called "Warlock: The Magic Wizard." Do you get it yet? He's a magic bad guy!

* [[Did Not Do the Research]]: Not the Bard; he always shows his work. The people that made SF Shinseiki Lensman, on the other hand... either this or they just didn't care.

** Also in Starship Troopers. The director stated he quit the book after the first couple of chapters. However, it still had more agreeable results than SF Shinseiki Lensman.

* [[Distress Ball]]: Tossed between Clarissa and Buskirk in the SF Shinseiki Lensman anime.

** Episode 27: Did We Just Review a Movie with Cthulhu?

* [[Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?]]: {{spoiler|Averted! The Bard's not crazy enough to try it.}}

* [[Doomed Hometown]]: Buenos Aires in the Starship Troopers movie.

* [[Doomsday Device]]: The steampunk robot dragon and dinosaurs from The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes.

** Combined with a [[Bavarian Fire Drill]] worthy of Hogan's Heroes.

* [[Drill Sergeant Nasty]]: Clancy Brown in Starship Troopers.

* [[Dumb Blonde]]: Yvonne, from The Toxic Crusaders. The dumbest of blondes.

** In fact, a good deal of the Bard's show could be described as "edutainment," as he does seem to enjoy dispensing interesting facts about a wide variety of subjects.

* [[Et Tu, Brute?]]: The Omega serves as a distraction for Diamanda Hagan to kidnap the Bard and harvest his DNA for a new race of minion.

* [["Everybody Laughs" Ending]]: SF Shinseiki Lensman.

** "''BEES. MY GOD.''"

* [[Evil Gloating]]: Tim Curry in The Shadow, although it's more like "evil sidekick gloating."

* [[Evil Twin]]/[[Evil Genius]]: "Thorpe" Holmes in The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes.

* [[Exposition Fairy]]/[[Mr. Exposition]]: "Mohinder" in Wolf, who explains all the rules of the movie and a bit of plot.

* [[Fake Nationality]]: Several different ones, when reading aloud from the books

* [[Fake Russian]]: Nachzehrer

* [[Fallen Hero]]: "Thorpe" Holmes.

* [[Fantastically Indifferent]]: The title character in The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes. Dinosaur attack? Sure, whatever. Dead brother mysteriously come back to life as a mad scientist villain? Huh, fancy that. Robot woman who turns into a bomb intend on blowing up the palace? Huh.

* [[Flat Earth Atheist]]: Originally, everyone but Kylie and Egon in Extreme Ghostbusters. Which is especially weird, because it shares a continuity with the movies AND the Real Ghostbusters cartoon...

* [[For Science!]]!!: Everything in Atomic Robo, because science is awesome.

* [[Frame-Up]]: Stuart framed Jack Nicholson's character for murder in Wolf.

* [[Friendly Neighborhood Vampire]]: Nachzehrer is lonely and wants to be friends with everyone.

* [[Fur Against Fang]]: A fairly common feature of some of the novels he reviews. He also comments that this is becoming something of a genre on its own.

* [[Gag Dub]]: Since Tim Curry's dialogue in The Shadow is so clunky, the Bard replaces it with dialogue/songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

** Apparently the rest of G-8's world is populated by such generic men that anyone on the planet can be mistaken for him easily!

* [[Glass Cannon]]: Sinterklaas' zombie minions in Sint can silently sneak up and cut veteran SWAT officers in half, but you can apparently bring them down by tapping them with a stick. They're very breakable.

* [[Government Conspiracy]]: The Norwegian government is trying to cover up the existence of two-hundred-foot-tall trolls.

* [[Green Aesop]]: The Toxic Crusaders cartoon, though it presented them in a funny and endearing way, rather than an over-the-top preachy and obnoxious way.

** A big fan of the Generation X comics. The movie, however...

** The Bard quite liked Soulless.

** Half of the time, Better off Read turns up movies that make the Bard smile, such as Confessions Of a Dangerous Mind or [[The Toxic Avenger]].

* [[Heel Face Turn]]: Headbanger from Toxic Crusaders. Turned to good because bad guys don't get chicks.

** Psyko from the same show *would* do it, but seems to be too lazy.

** Experienced by Billy over a B grade in The Bumble Beast.

* [[Hero Stole My Bike]]: Toxie commandeers a bulldozer from a Radiation Ranger.

* [[Heterosexual Life Partners]]: Josh and Biff in Lamb.

** Billy West himself DOES show up to voice Slimer in Extreme Ghostbusters, however.

* [[Hippie Jesus]]: Jesus (referred to as Joshua) is a very kind-hearted, sensitive, peace-loving guy in Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff.

* [[Hollywood Science]]: Generation X runs on science so soft it could be used as a pillow.

* [[Hulk Speak]]: Red Lantern Bard, during Troy.

* [[Hyperspace]]: One of the Lensman anime's many glaring errors. It's an inertialess drive, not a hyperspace warp!

* [[Hypocritical Humor]]: The Bard complaining about nerds at Con Bravo.

* [[Idiot Ball]]: Tossed between the two main characters of Monsters constantly. Leading to...

* [[I Love Nuclear Power]]: The only reason given for the mutant snakes biting people and turning them into mutant snakes is... because some people in Arizona were setting nuclear weapons off underground. Yeah.

* [[Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy]]/[[A-Team Firing]]: In The Shadow, upon hearing someone coming across a bridge, the bad guys fire wildly into the air, at everything, including lamps and the street. They aren't even trying to shoot the Shadow. They just hear someone coming and start shooting lamps.

** One of The Shadow's talents given to him during his training in Tibet, apparently.

** Witch-hunters are apparently all javelin champs, apparently able to chuck huge un-aerodynamic weathervanes over buildings and into warlocks' spines.

** He prays for a drink trolley out in the hallway once Trollhunter is over with and he's escaped from [[Diamanda Hagan]]'s clutches. {{spoiler|No such luck.}}

* [[In Name Only]]: The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes... and not even then, because his name isn't "Sherlock," it's "Robert"!

* [[Insistent Terminology]]: Toxic Crusaders' Killemo -- "THAT'S ''DOCTOR'' KILLEMOFF TO YOU!"

* [[Instant Expert]]: The anime version of Kim Kinnison suddenly and randomly goes from "regular guy" to "ninja" in the space of about two scenes.

* [[Jesus Was Way Cool]]: Josh during Lamb. The book goes through a lot to humanize Him.

* [[Jewish Mother]]: Toxie's Mom in Toxic Crusaders.

* [[Katanas Are Just Better]]: One of the Bard's pet peeves. Dante Valentine in Working for the Devil and Johnny in Edison Death Machine randomly had them for no reason.

* [[Kindhearted Cat Lover]]: Derek's cat (Kitteh, short for Kit-Kat) occasionally cameos on his show for one reason or another.

* [[Knife Nut]]: The Bard has a gigantic dagger as a letter-opener and shows it off in the Let's Read.

* [[Library of Babel]]

* [[Living Statue]]: Metlar's true love, The Statue of Liberty. ''Yeah.''

* [[Load-Bearing Boss]]: Helmuth, in the Lensman anime.

* [[Loan Shark]]: Mobster [[Phelous]] in the Edison Death Machine movie.

* [[Mad Scientist]]: Matt Frewer's character in Generation X. Who apparently attended the same school as Dr Insano.

** Also, the villains in Soulless. {{spoiler|They're mad scientists experimenting with vampires and the supernatural!}}

** "Thorpe" Holmes in The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes. Possibly a predecessor of the Insano School of Science.

* [[Mars Needs Women|The Earth's Core Needs Women]]: Inhumanoids. In Primal Passions, they each get hit with a love potion and fall in love with a surface woman (and, in one case, a robot).

** Also the Spider.

* [[Medal of Dishonor]]: His praise for the giant war-fireballs being the best actors in Troy.

* [[Most Definitely Not a Villain]]: The Central Empire in Operator #5 has a flag with a decapitated head and two crossed bloody swords. And people are surprised they're an evil empire!

* [[Multiple Head Case]]: Headbanger in Toxic Crusaders.

* [[Must Have Caffeine]]: Josh in Lamb. He loves His coffee!

** The Bard loves tea and cocoa as well.

* [[Nice Hat]]: The Bard has a really sweet top-hat.

** The Bard comments on Rath-Amon's headdress in Conan: The Adventurer.

** [[The Film Renegado]] has a cool hat during the Monsters review as well.

* [[Nightmare Fuel Station Attendant]]: Nachzehrer

** In the ''[[Lensman]]'' anime, Kim rides a "space-motorcycle-jetski-plane-thing."

** Also from the Lensman anime: Worsel the lasergun-toting telepathic space pterodactyl Lensman!

** Sint's main villain: Zombie pirate Santa Claus (well, the Dutch St Nicholas if you want to get technical) and his zombie pirate blackface minions! What the hell.

* [[No Celebrities Were Harmed]]: Everyone raised by the Edison Death Machine.

* [[Ouija Board]]: The central focus in Witchboard is an evil demon-possessed Ouija board.

* [[Our Souls Are Different]]: The world of Soulless.

* [[Paper-Thin Disguise]]: The Cobra troops attacking West Point in The Viper Comes. You'd think the Joes would notice the distinctive helmets.

* [[Perky Goth]]: Kylie from Extreme Ghostbusters.

* [[Pineal Weirdness]]: A minor plot point in ''[[Generation X]]'' and why Dr Tresh is suddenly superpowered at the end.

* [[Pit Trap]]: The Spider is dropped into a pit full of wolves during his battle with the Slaves of Hell.

* [[Poltergeist]]: "David," the evil spirit in Witchboard.

* [[Prop Recycling]]: In Princess of Mars, Tracy Lords wears an honest-to-god Slave Leia outfit for the entirety of the movie, and the Bard is almost certain that her ship was Jabba's barge.

* [[Rube Goldberg Hates Your Guts]]: The way that the ghost kills people in Witchboard seems kind of... overcomplicated.

* [[Rummage Sale Reject]]: The Extreme Ghostbusters' costumes. Especially Kylie, who appears to be dressed like a crossing guard with a trashcan lid on her back.

'''"...yeah, that's not gonna get old quick."''' }}

''*scene of Buskirk flipping out*'' }}

*** This one makes a return in Warlock.

''*Kassandra screams in frustration*'' }}

** "Godlike aliens... Man, do I HATE godlike aliens!"

*** Also from Witchboard: SCAAAAAAAARY CLOSE-UP!

** In Wolf: Making up random superpowers for Jack Nicholson's character. "SHADOW-FIGHTING OF THE MONGOOSE!" "CANNIBALISM OF THE MAN!" "SKEEVINESS OF THE PERVERT!" "VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER OF THE HIPPOPOTAMUS!"

* [[Sarcasm Mode]]: Bard's pretend-crying at Gary Kinnison's death in SF Shinseiki Lensman.

* [[Saving the Orphanage]]: Part of the Joes' mission in Once Upon a Joe is fixing up an orphanage after it's been burned to the ground by Cobra. Because Cobra is just that evil.

* [[Scaled Up]]: The creatures bitten by the snakes in Curse II, whose hand turns into a snake... along with the rest of him later.

* [[Science Hero]]: Atomic Robo! A hero FOR SCIENCE!

* [[Self Deprecating Humor]]: "I should fire my scriptwriter! ...I am my own scriptwriter."

* [[Shaggy Dog Story]]: GI Joe: The Viper Comes. Entirely pointless and riddled with completely unanswered questions.

** Innis apparently has a history similar to Dr Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb.

** To Pig With the Face of a Boy's "Complete History of the Soviet Union" song in episode 22:

''Then I drink their cerebellum for tea!'' }}

** In a fit of anger, the Bard uses Merlin's "BLOW ME TO BERMUDA!" spell.

** Gives a shout-out to [[Demoversi]]'s series ''Irreverent Edutainment'' and ''Let's Survey!'' in The Toxic Avenger.

** Robo and Stephen Hawking also have this kind of relationship.

* [[Sophisticated As Hell]]

* [[Special Effects Failure]]: The animatronics and the wolf makeup in Wolf.

** "Someone actually managed to make a worse werewolf costume than Big Wolf on Campus!"

* [[Step Three: Profit]]: The core of Edison Death Machine: 1) Raise celebrities as zombies. 2) ???? 3) PROFIT!!

** Asylum Sherlock Holmes: 1) Build steampunk robot attack dinosaurs 2) Steal random shit to build more 3) ???? 4) TAKE OVER ENGLAND!

* [[Strange Salute]]: His signoff uses the salute of ''[[The Prisoner]]'''s Village occupants.

* [[Stupid Evil]]: Tendryll, from Inhumanoids.

** Light also turns trolls into stone in Trollhunter.

* [[Talking to Himself]]

* [[Techno Babble]]: There's a lot in Galactic Patrol, and the Bard gamely tries to explain it to everyone.

** There's a scene in Trollhunter where a troll doctor tries to explain why trolls turn into stone when hit with sunlight. It's an incoherent explanation involving vitamin D in their veins.

'''"WHY DO I HAVE THIS INSTALLED? Nothing good ever comes of it!"''' }}

* [[Timey-Wimey Ball]]: Stuff that happened during GI Joe and the Golden Fleece.

* [[Those Two Guys]]: Jay and Silent Bob in the Clerks cartoon, though they're also almost antagonists sometimes.

* [[Those Wacky Nazis]]: The Central/Purple Empire in Operator 5.

* [[Throwaway Country]]: Poor Maine. Destroyed by green Nazi gas. And Delaware's next in line.

* [[Trauma Conga Line]]: The poor Spider.

* [[Toilet Humour]]: In Trollhunter, of all things. You first see a troll scratching its ass, and later, there's a ten-second clip of a troll farting in a cave. Trollhunter is all class.

** Seems to run with it in the Toxic Avenger, cheering the fact that porn finally appeared in his show!

** Also gleeful at the scene where Margo Lane strips during The Shadow.

** [[Obscurus Lupa]]: Troy

** [[Internet Reviewer Trials|Judgment, The Mad Judge]]: Reviewanomicon

* [[Unfortunate Implications]]: Every single thing about the Zwartepietes in Sint, straight from Dutch Christmas traditions. They seem to put a little piece from every iteration of the myths in there, from the offensive blackface to their beating bad kids to kidnapping kids and selling them as slaves in Spain under Sinterklaas' orders. Dutch Christmas is weird.

* [[Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist]]: Biff, from Lamb.

* [[Unusually Uninteresting Sight|Unusually Uninteresting Story]]: "Robert" Holmes seems to take the sailor's story about a robot kraken attack on a treasury ship remarkably easily and does not question it even once.

** Everything in Toxic Crusaders is an [[Unusually Uninteresting Sight]]. No one really seems to notice or care that Dr Killemoff is eight feet tall, has four arms, a gas mask, and a giant machine strapped to his back... and no one really remarks on the other Hideously Deformed Creatures of Superhuman Size And Strength, either!

** While Sinterklaas is chasing Frank during Sint, his horse is shot and crashes through the roof of somebody's condo. The two occupants within stand at a bar drinking nonchalantly, look at the crashed zombie pirate Sinterklaas and dead horse, and merely comment "I thought we weren't celebrating St Nicholas this year?" This is utterly unexplained.

* [[Villainous Breakdown]]: Tim Curry, during the last part of The Shadow.

** And Skin from Generation X.

* [[Whole Costume Reference]]: Deja Thoris inexplicably wears a Slave Leia outfit. Literally. It's the exact same costume.

* [[Wunza Plot]]: The Bard describes Deja Thoris' and John Carter's romance as thus: "Suddenly he wants to fuck her brains out. Of course, that also might be because she's a porn star, and he's an underwear model..."

* [[Yellow Peril]]: G-8 and his Battle Aces fly the Skies of Yellow Death, and by that we mean they fight evil racist stereotypes of Chinese people.

[[Category:The New Tens]]

[[Category:Web Video]]